SilverFactory Posted May 26, 2013 Share Posted May 26, 2013 Yes, he's saying "I just don't want you to think things will be easy between us," and that he's going thru a very stressful time in life, but also that I'm the love of his life & he's said clearly that he has no plans to date others and it's constantly clear that he really cares. Ok, so what are you planning to do? are you going to wait for him to sort his mess out? are you planning to date other people until that happens? Link to comment
learning112 Posted May 26, 2013 Author Share Posted May 26, 2013 I sure am. I just can't write him off completely. I feel if he had no intention of ever being with me he would've ended contact a long time ago, rather than tell me just last night why I'm the love of his life. I genuinely believe he just has too many crisis-like issues right now Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted May 26, 2013 Share Posted May 26, 2013 I sure am. I just can't write him off completely. I feel if he had no intention of ever being with me he would've ended contact a long time ago, rather than tell me just last night why I'm the love of his life. I genuinely believe he just has too many crisis-like issues right now are you planning to date other men at all? Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted May 26, 2013 Share Posted May 26, 2013 Tomorrow I am Ok just to get it straight. You are not going to wait for this guy anymore and start dating other men right? It doesnt matter if he says you are the love of his life because you are going to date other men right? Link to comment
learning112 Posted May 26, 2013 Author Share Posted May 26, 2013 He said I should date other people & after that + him getting in a better place with work/emotions, if it's still meant to be then it'll happen. So yes I'm dating others now without feeling guilty. Why should I feel guilty? Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted May 26, 2013 Share Posted May 26, 2013 He said I should date other people & after that + him getting in a better place with work/emotions, if it's still meant to be then it'll happen. So yes I'm dating others now without feeling guilty. Why should I feel guilty? I suggest you call it quits once and for all with this guy and THEN date other men. Otherwise he is going to be back in the mind of your mind and you cant concentrate on the men that you date. Say goodbye firmly and move on with your life. There is no need to see if its meant to be then it will happen crap. Say right now that its not meant to be and walk away.... Please do this for yourself Link to comment
learning112 Posted May 26, 2013 Author Share Posted May 26, 2013 I can't totally write him off. Since he was the one who brought up trying things long distnace & initially semeed so happy to see me the other night until his freak-out abuot work stress, I really think he may still want to be with me but is just crippled by the thought of failing both in his career & with the "love of his life" right now. I've heard about people pushing others away when dealing with crisis. If we are "friends" then he has no ability to officially actually fail me. I just don't know how I could convince him that he shouldn't be afraid of failing & I'll always love him!! But it does feel good to have several dates to look forward to. There's always a chance I'll really like someone else and this guy won't have a "chance" to hurt me anymore. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted May 26, 2013 Share Posted May 26, 2013 I can't totally write him off. Since he was the one who brought up trying things long distnace & initially semeed so happy to see me the other night until his freak-out abuot work stress, I really think he may still want to be with me but is just crippled by the thought of failing both in his career & with the "love of his life" right now. I've heard about people pushing others away when dealing with crisis. If we are "friends" then he has no ability to officially actually fail me. I just don't know how I could convince him that he shouldn't be afraid of failing & I'll always love him!! But it does feel good to have several dates to look forward to. There's always a chance I'll really like someone else and this guy won't have a "chance" to hurt me anymore. I still recommend that you completely break things with him right now. You know why? because if you dont cut contact with him then he will again have a chance to spout some sweet things like 'you are the love of my life' and you will be right back in the palm of his hand. Just see how big of an impact those empty words of his is having on you. You are repeatedly telling it over and over and over... If you really were the love of his life then he would inform his parents about you right now and get into an actual serious relationship with you. But he is not doing that. He is saying he does not want a relationship now and his family will give lot of trouble to you.. I dont think its fair for the guys you date without you getting a closure with this guy. Like I said he will always be at the back of your mind if you dont end things with him. Breakup with this guy and move on to other men. Thats all I can say. Link to comment
potd2009 Posted May 27, 2013 Share Posted May 27, 2013 I mostly agree with RedwoodShores, but think it may not be possible for the OP to move on timely until she feels a strong sense of connection to someone new. Given this, I think it is better that she date than not date. As for unfairness to the guys she dates, we all take that risk we go out with someone new (that they might be into someone else still). If the new connection is strong enough and truly meant to be, it will in time surpass the old. Link to comment
learning112 Posted May 27, 2013 Author Share Posted May 27, 2013 Agree, PotD. 3 first dates this week but I'm not promising anything to any of them. It seems my ex truly is in love with me but due to the intense stresses w/work and his future, he doesn't (as he puts it) feel ready to "take that next step" and be in a committed relationship with me. At that point, regardless of how much I love him, I really should be dating others. he said even right now he wants to continue havnig me in his life, talk to me, stay close, but said he knows that might be cowardly (versus standing up and committing to me) - he just cant stand the thought of failing at 1 more thing right now. so then, I need to move on. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted May 27, 2013 Share Posted May 27, 2013 Agree, PotD. 3 first dates this week but I'm not promising anything to any of them. It seems my ex truly is in love with me but due to the intense stresses w/work and his future, he doesn't (as he puts it) feel ready to "take that next step" and be in a committed relationship with me. At that point, regardless of how much I love him, I really should be dating others. he said even right now he wants to continue havnig me in his life, talk to me, stay close, but said he knows that might be cowardly (versus standing up and committing to me) - he just cant stand the thought of failing at 1 more thing right now. so then, I need to move on. Its good that you have 3 first dates. May I ask how you got these dates? Link to comment
learning112 Posted May 27, 2013 Author Share Posted May 27, 2013 Some thru friends, 1 online. It's hard because when someone calls you the love of their life, and you know they're going thru a Terrible career phase leaving little energy left to stand up to family for a girl (he's said it'll be them vs me), and the guy isn't writing you off forever... Hard to mentally close that door Link to comment
abitbroken Posted May 27, 2013 Share Posted May 27, 2013 Some thru friends, 1 online. It's hard because when someone calls you the love of their life, and you know they're going thru a Terrible career phase leaving little energy left to stand up to family for a girl (he's said it'll be them vs me), and the guy isn't writing you off forever... Hard to mentally close that door You are making excuses for him. I bet you told him that you want to meet his family and be his girlfriend or else, so he has to come up with a reason why he can't introduce you and blame something else. First you aren't official because of his family, then when you leave, he'll introduce you if your relationship progresses, etc, but can't because of the distance. When you stand up for yourself again, he now throws the "stress" at the job in your face. I'll bet you a nickel that he didn't say a word about how stressful his job was until this last conversation. Its not like it has been ongoing. If you think this is the one, then fine, but you have to be willing to let something go for it to come back to you. You have to be willing to cut him off completely to let him sort himself out and see if he comes back to you - and if he won't intro you to his parents - cut him off again. And again. until he is serious. All he is doing now is kicking the problem down the road. He is also acting like you are asking him to marry you tomorrow. You are not. All you want is to be his official girlfirend that everyone knows about and meets his parents. Every time you get firm on that he waffles or says no. If you want this man in the relationship YOU want and is healthiest or you, then you have to be willing to stand up for yourself and stick to it and if he doesn't meet your standards, move on or at least stick to your standards and you are not!! Classic signs of a commitmentphobe: Promising the world to a woman and making those promises early in a relationship and then putting up every pbstacle on why you can't commit. The problem with this is you are willing to accept anything he does to you and there is no chance of him earning a relationship with you when you just accept him and this. By the way - he is NOT telling you to "date other people and come back to me". He is trying to tell you to leave him because he can't give you what you deserve, and he wants YOU to break it off because he doesn't the strength to, but you keep hanging on. You can't know he is the love of your life after just a few months. That only is known in retrospect. He could be your first love, or the most intense one so far. One last thought - who we marry sometimes doesn't have to do with just love. It has to do with compatibility. There were guys who i loved but at a certain point because they had a very different faith i couldn't see raising kids in, drug use, their dream of living in a hut in Africa or whatever, made them someone i had to eventually NEXT even though I loved them. So please, for your own sake, you are deeply infatuated with this young man. Let him go. If he gets his act straigthened and comes back to you truthfully he will, but he might not. You could meet someone that is more right for you also. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted May 27, 2013 Share Posted May 27, 2013 Some thru friends, 1 online. It's hard because when someone calls you the love of their life, and you know they're going thru a Terrible career phase leaving little energy left to stand up to family for a girl (he's said it'll be them vs me), and the guy isn't writing you off forever... Hard to mentally close that door a guy picked his family over me. Then he came back to me. Things were good for while. But his family was intense and that is one of the reasons why we are divorced. He chose his family again and felt he had no choice. I should have accepted the breakup the first time. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted May 27, 2013 Share Posted May 27, 2013 (he's said it'll be them vs me) This is exactly what one of my friends went through. Remember I had mentioned guy 1 and guy 2 in one of my posts? Guy 1's family was opposed to his American girlfriend. They threatened that they will disown him and asked to get married to an Indian woman that they had arranged for him. His girlfriend even wrote a letter to his parents stating how much she loved him and how she wanted to marry him. Nothing changed... in the end that guy left her and went for an Arranged Marriage. Be smart and avoid all the heartache... Link to comment
abitbroken Posted May 27, 2013 Share Posted May 27, 2013 remember - actions speak louder than words. He has never acted. don't be the gal that says "how high" when a guy says "jump." I don't think there is anything more i can say here. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted May 27, 2013 Share Posted May 27, 2013 remember - actions speak louder than words. He has never acted. don't be the gal that says "how high" when a guy says "jump." I don't think there is anything more i can say here. I think she really got caught up with the whole 'you are the love of my life' thing that the guy spouted. see how many times she is repeating it here... over and over... Link to comment
learning112 Posted May 27, 2013 Author Share Posted May 27, 2013 I think she really got caught up with the whole 'you are the love of my life' thing that the guy spouted. see how many times she is repeating it here... over and over... Yes I totally did! But it's true that actions speak louder. It's also true that this guy isn't taking any actions, instead he's falling apart at work and constantly preoccupied with the pressure & spending 90 hours/week not failing at it. He's in no position to give me anything, so what else can I do but date others? Sigh. I still really love him and wish he'd get things settled out and then have the courage to act. I never have felt like he's totally written me off. Link to comment
potd2009 Posted May 27, 2013 Share Posted May 27, 2013 Let him be the one to initiate contact with you...as most people would do with the "love of their life." Let him be the one to decide you're worth it and that he chooses you over his family (if they insist on making him choose). Until then, see these other guys. Here's the reality: you will be thinking of him on each of your first dates this week. You will probably be comparing each of those guys to him. What's tough is that you clearly have a strong emotional connection with this guy, and you obviously won't have that instantly with your dates, and you will be noticing the gap between what you have with a new person and what you feel you have with your ex. If you feel the people you're meeting are worthwhile, try to push past those thoughts, and remind yourself that it takes time to build something new and see what potential it has. Link to comment
learning112 Posted May 27, 2013 Author Share Posted May 27, 2013 Date #1 went very well!! I think it's also good because if I'm spending emotional energy on meeting other people, then I'm not trying to contact my ex or being demanding of him in any way ("when are you going to get it together?" "when can we talk?") And then he gets the space he needs to focus on his career that is (right now, unfortunately) kind of failing, and he has space to see if he actually misses me. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 Date #1 went very well!! I think it's also good because if I'm spending emotional energy on meeting other people, then I'm not trying to contact my ex or being demanding of him in any way ("when are you going to get it together?" "when can we talk?") And then he gets the space he needs to focus on his career that is (right now, unfortunately) kind of failing, and he has space to see if he actually misses me. This is great news! keep going on dates it will certainly help you. PS: If you can let me know what dating site you used I would greatly appreciate it as I am also trying to meet new people Link to comment
learning112 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Share Posted May 28, 2013 Try eHarmony! I just think my poor ex would be sad about me dating others, even though he suggested it I think he's just terribly afraid of failure. The first reason he gave for not being able to do long-distance right now was "I'm failing at everything right now, and it's just one more thing I'll fail at." He said things like, "Maybe I'll be preoccupied with work stress one night & not pick up your phone call, or I won't be available for the 2 days you come home one weekend, and you'll get mad at me." No way I could convince him that if he wanted a committed RL, I'd do anything for him and be 100% committed - but I would be. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted May 28, 2013 Share Posted May 28, 2013 I just think my poor ex would be sad about me dating others, even though he suggested it I think he's just terribly afraid of failure. The first reason he gave for not being able to do long-distance right now was "I'm failing at everything right now, and it's just one more thing I'll fail at." He said things like, "Maybe I'll be preoccupied with work stress one night & not pick up your phone call, or I won't be available for the 2 days you come home one weekend, and you'll get mad at me." No way I could convince him that if he wanted a committed RL, I'd do anything for him and be 100% committed - but I would be. yes he will be sad but it was he that asked you to go and date other people. nobody forced him to do that. if he was truly in love with you he would have informed his parents about you and got into a serious relationship with you BUT instead he is letting you go. instead of breaking up with you he is indirectly asking you to leave him alone and go and date other men. you should understand that. Link to comment
learning112 Posted May 28, 2013 Author Share Posted May 28, 2013 To leave him alone? But it was him 2 weeks ago asking me to try a long distance relationship, and he only went back on it when he started doing terribly & panicking about his future at work. And I never called him the love of my life or said "I love you" at all, he kept doing that. Then he went back on it slightly, saying "wait I only meant that I didn't want you to think things would be easy for us." Lots of room for confusion Link to comment
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