Do you think this is worth waiting for?

[SilverFactory]

To leave him alone? But it was him 2 weeks ago asking me to try a long distance relationship, and he only went back on it when he started doing terribly & panicking about his future at work. And I never called him the love of my life or said "I love you" at all, he kept doing that. Then he went back on it slightly, saying "wait I only meant that I didn't want you to think things would be easy for us." Lots of room for confusion

 

Whether he did or you did does not matter now does it? you have to see what is going right now. He is not asking his parents if they would be ok with him dating a non-Indian (not you specifically) and get serious with her. That is the only thing you need to focus on now.

[SilverFactory]

you don't have to tell this if you don't want to but may I ask which company he works for? i have been working in the bay area for a very long time now and can easily estimate the work load and work culture of different companies.

[learning112]

He is not asking his parents if they would be ok with him dating a non-Indian (not you specifically) and get serious with her. That is the only thing you need to focus on now.

 

Right. I think with his thoughts of failing his family by failing at his career (which is their #1 priority), he's not about to make things worse by asking them right now about dating a non-indian. Their response will be "how do you even have time for a relationship when you're failing at your career?" Which is a fair question. I really think this guy loves me but just cannot handle being in a relationship this moment. Not that that means I shuold wait for him!

[SilverFactory]

Right. I think with his thoughts of failing his family by failing at his career (which is their #1 priority), he's not about to make things worse by asking them right now about dating a non-indian. Their response will be "how do you even have time for a relationship when you're failing at your career?" Which is a fair question. I really think this guy loves me but just cannot handle being in a relationship this moment. Not that that means I shuold wait for him!

 

I dont understand what you mean by "he is failing in his career". Is he going to lose his job?

 

I feel that he is exaggerating the job thing and misleading you. I dont know which company he works for but people dont get fired for committing some mistakes. I dont think he is in a very high management position to commit serious mistakes that has the potential to jeapordize his career. Something doesn't add up here....

[learning112]

It's in business, you're right he's not very high up -- yet. But he's working 80 hours a week and giving it all his time and still isn't doing well enough and making very negligent mistakes. I think the stress is real & he has to convince himself he's giving 1000% for the next few months, otherwise he won't be able to live with himself if he fails and embarrasses both himself and his family. Then once his career is in order he can think about having a relationship, standing up for me, etc. To me this actually makes sense

 

Meanwhile my career (also in business) is going perfectly, I'm actually higher up the ladder than him

[SilverFactory]

Thanks for explaining.. that makes sense. I thought he was a Software Engineer (like me lol)

 

Then once his career is in order he can think about having a relationship, standing up for me, etc

 

He may or he may not. What will you do just in case if he doesn't stand up for you after all that time? or can't stand up to his parents? that is the real problem. That is why you are being advised to date other men and if some thing works out with some one please move on from this guy and start a new relationship.

[learning112]

That's true. It all just feels strange. Haven't talked to my ex in 3 days (which we've done a lot before & I know how busy work is), but he was the one who said we'll talk, so I guess I'm supposed to give him space & date others & not contact him? I don't really know what I'd say anyhow?

[abitbroken]

That's true. It all just feels strange. Haven't talked to my ex in 3 days (which we've done a lot before & I know how busy work is), but he was the one who said we'll talk, so I guess I'm supposed to give him space & date others & not contact him? I don't really know what I'd say anyhow?

 

You are still giving him control here by hanging on his words. He says 'we'll talk" so now you are sitting here wondering what he/you will say instead of just going and having a good time with new friends and if he contacts you or not - fine/whatever. You already "talked" enough and have beat the subject to death. You do okay somewhat when he doesn't contact you, but then you accept his contact and spiral down all over again. When he contacts you, don't answer. Don't be so quick to do so. Either stonewall him and don't accept his contact or send him a brief message when he contacts you to please not contact you. "you told me that you don't have your life in order and won't introduce me to your parents. so please do not contact me." The only contact you should answer is "My parents would love to meet you. Can you come back next weekend?" Otherwise DO NOT ANSWER HIM.

Itis awfully passive-aggressive to tell you to date others and don't wait for him and then come back and say you are the love of his life, etc. that's just evil. or even vice versa. Get off the crazy bus. I know you are "leaving him alone" but you have to go one step further and reject his contact.

[learning112]

Interesting. Do you think he's kind of crazy? I never pushed him to try long distance at ALL and then he really did seem to fall apart massively at work & suddenly flip switch about us, and at that point I definitely wasn't saying I loved him but he decided to declare I'm the love of his life and he just didn't want me to think things would be easy & he can't handle a relationship right now because he thinks He would fail me so I should date others but then if we're meant to be we will?! Annoyed

[SilverFactory]

Interesting. Do you think he's kind of crazy? I never pushed him to try long distance at ALL and then he really did seem to fall apart massively at work & suddenly flip switch about us, and at that point I definitely wasn't saying I loved him but he decided to declare I'm the love of his life and he just didn't want me to think things would be easy & he can't handle a relationship right now because he thinks He would fail me so I should date others but then if we're meant to be we will?! Annoyed

 

There is really no need for you to through this emotional rollercoaster ride. Like abitbroken has advised just go NC on him immediately... if he contacts you say "you told me that you don't have your life in order and won't introduce me to your parents. so please do not contact me."

 

That combined with the fact that you are going out on dates is the only thing that will let him know that you are just not sitting there and pining for him... wasting away your time.

[learning112]

I'm not questioning my decision to go on other dates. I know it's a great one. I just want 1 straightforward answer from my ex instead of a million different ones. Like, he doesn't want to bring things up to his parents until things with his career aren't catastrophic, because it's too much turmoil for them & him at once -- and they'll just question why he's in a relationship if he's flailing at work. Or, he didn't mean that he actually wants me to date others, but he just feels worried that he doesn't have what it takes to keep me happy long distance right now when he has to worry 100% about his career - and has never even been in a relationship anyhow.

[abitbroken]

That combined with the fact that you are going out on dates is the only thing that will let him know that you are just not sitting there and pining for him... wasting away your time.

 

But its not to "send him a message" hoping for a result. It's about your well being. The message that gets through to him is secondary.

 

Also, keep in mind that this is not failure. It doesn't mean that you are not a beautiful, awesome, intelligent young lady who is worthy of a relationship. It just means that he isn't the guy.

[learning112]

But its not to "send him a message" hoping for a result. It's about your well being. The message that gets through to him is secondary.

 

Also, keep in mind that this is not failure. It doesn't mean that you are not a beautiful, awesome, intelligent young lady who is worthy of a relationship. It just means that he isn't the guy.

 

I agree, I'm only dating others because it's what I feel is right.

However, I still believe right now that my ex is the guy for me and that's why i'm in such anticipation of whenever we talk again. i always feel like he's on the brink of enough self growth and improvement to finally advance things with me. he constantly does say that he just cant move forward "right now"... I understand not putting my life on hold but i just feel like it's possible!

[abitbroken]

I'm not questioning my decision to go on other dates. I know it's a great one. I just want 1 straightforward answer from my ex instead of a million different ones. Like, he doesn't want to bring things up to his parents until things with his career aren't catastrophic, because it's too much turmoil for them & him at once -- and they'll just question why he's in a relationship if he's flailing at work. Or, he didn't mean that he actually wants me to date others, but he just feels worried that he doesn't have what it takes to keep me happy long distance right now when he has to worry 100% about his career - and has never even been in a relationship anyhow.

 

It is very clear to the audience at home that he gave you a clear message with actions and words. He told you from the beginning, the beginning of the first thread you started that you will not be introduced to his parents:

 

 

I asked why. He said his parents think they get to arrange a marriage for him, & so he can’t tell them he has a girlfriend until right before he’s about to get married. Meaning, we have to keep our relationship secret in the meantime so they don’t find out. I've never heard of something like this, and if he wants to keep us secret from them now, why would I think he'd ever change that later? (Note: we've had multiple serious convos where we've established we are exclusive, that I wouldn't continue seeing him if he wasn't at least considering something long term because I don't want just casual dating at this point in my life... etc)

 

Everything after that time is you trying to interpret a shred of hope that he actually things differently. It is like a woman dating a married man that tells her up front he will never leave his wife but she interprets small little things like his declarations of affection as proof that he will - and he says just enough to keep the woman hoping so she will be content to stick around.

[SilverFactory]

Everything after that time is you trying to interpret a shred of hope that he actually things differently. It is like a woman dating a married man that tells her up front he will never leave his wife but she interprets small little things like his declarations of affection as proof that he will - and he says just enough to keep the woman hoping so she will be content to stick around.

 

Very well said. I agree with this.

[abitbroken]

I agree, I'm only dating others because it's what I feel is right.

However, I still believe right now that my ex is the guy for me and that's why i'm in such anticipation of whenever we talk again. i always feel like he's on the brink of enough self growth and improvement to finally advance things with me. he constantly does say that he just cant move forward "right now"... I understand not putting my life on hold but i just feel like it's possible!

 

being the guy for someone has many factors. There is attraction, for sure. But people are the "right one" also because how they mesh with our families (either fitting like a glove or if our family is a dysfunctional mesh, always being in our corner), how they are supportive of us, how their faith/wordlview meshes with ours enough so it would be two like minded people raising children. So far, he has only proved that he wants to keep you isolated and there might be butterflies in the stomach on both sides. The other guys we date are just boyfriends for a time.

 

btw you are not weird or hopeless - it is a learning process

[learning112]

It is very clear to the audience at home that he gave you a clear message with actions and words. He told you from the beginning, the beginning of the first thread you started that you will not be introduced to his parents

 

No, that wasn't the message. I went back & reread my words that you quoted, just to be fair. But the message was always, "This is a very serious thing & it's gonna cause conflict & they're gonna be upset, so I'm not going to take that step until it's the right time in my life & I'm sure we're going to go the distance and get married." I've always felt this made sense, because it's a huge sacrifice to make unless the woman is committing to wanting to marry you. And also, it's not the right time to create family grief when they're already on his case about almost losing his job -- how will they take to the news "right now I may not even get another position, but I'm distracting myself with a serious RL and want you to meet her right now."

 

All I ever want to know is that he still potentially sees me as the One and can see himself doing this down the road. Which has been conflicting. But still seemed likely given all these comments about me being the love of his life. I think it's all about courage and timing.

[SilverFactory]

"This is a very serious thing & it's gonna cause conflict & they're gonna be upset, so I'm not going to take that step until it's the right time in my life & I'm sure we're going to go the distance and get married."

 

That was not what you told here and most certainly that was not what me (or anybody here) understood it the way you are telling now.

 

Not really sure what to tell any more... you are bent on defending him and his actions and come up with explanations every time some one tells you some thing.

 

As penelope said its your emotions and your life.

[calichick007]

Not really sure what to tell any more... you are bent on defending him and his actions and come up with explanations every time some one tells you some thing.

 

As penelope said its your emotions and your life.

 

Basically. This is one of those things she's going to have to ride out for herself until the wheels fall off. For OP's sake, I hope the amount of time wasted is minimal in the end.

[penelope13]

I have to say I doubt that he has told his parents that he is maybe struggling with his job. He says he is concerned to upset them. Why would he tell them about his job struggles when there is still a chance that he can turn it around? Thus his argument 'he doesn't want to add to their upset' is just not ringing true to me.

 

Something here is not right, i'm not sure if he is telling you the whole truth

[SilverFactory]

I have to say I doubt that he has told his parents that he is maybe struggling with his job. He says he is concerned to upset them. Why would he tell them about his job struggles when there is still a chance that he can turn it around? Thus his argument 'he doesn't want to add to their upset' is just not ringing true to me.

 

Something here is not right, i'm not sure if he is telling you the whole truth

 

Right on!

 

Even I felt (feel) suspicious. Some thing is just not adding up here... that is why I asked the OP what exactly is happening at his job. I feel that he is exaggerating his job situation and misleading the OP.

 

People make mistakes ALL the time in their jobs. It is not like he is in a high very position where his mistakes will have a much wider impact on the company and thus has the potential to end his career. I once made a minor mistake and it cost my company (a start-up) close to $15,000. The Product Manager simply informed me of this and asked me to be more careful and that was about it. It didn't jeopardize my career at all.

[learning112]

Well, why would he lie, though? I'm sure he does want to focus 100% on work so as not to humiliate his family, and if he ends up without a new position and his family is also made aware that he has a serious girlfriend distracting him (not their plan for him right now), then the blame is going to fall on me & things will be even harder for me with them.

 

This guy is such a mystery to figure out because I've never pushed for anything with him. He wanted to try long distance, he wanted to tell me I'm the love of his life. But then it's back and forth between "my parents would never accept you" and "oh I just didn't want to make you think things would be easy for us" and "really I'm just afraid of failing, that making you happy in a relationship will just be 1 more thing in my life I fail miserably at." I am so baffled all the time. He can't just be looking for excuses and a way out, because I never pushed him into anything in the first place.

[Justnotsure]

Generally, when you're baffled and someone is a mystery it is because that person is not being honest.

 

No, you haven't "forced" him - it's not as if he's repulsed by you. He just doesn't want to fully commit to you. So, he's keeping you around with excuses and playing both sides of the fence. Your problem is you're seeing black and white - he'll either not want anything to do with you, or he'll want to marry you. Clearly, the truth lies in the middle - where you are very much stuck.

[learning112]

Wow, great insight! If I'm being honest, what I want right now is for him to tell me the honest truth & to get the strength to commit, take the risk of failing at long distance, etc.

[Justnotsure]

Of course that's what you want! But that's not what's happening - which is what everyone is trying to tell you. And that it's not likely to happen while you're waiting around, and buying the "I can't fail at something else" line. Another rule of thumb is that when people give those broad, overarching "life" statements as to why they can't be with you, you're probably not getting the whole truth. It depersonalizes it - takes the "blame" off of HIM, and onto this "job" and "failure." I know it's hard when you're in the trees - you're just buying every bit of info he feeds you, and then when it's conflicting, saying "why am I lost in this forest?" It's because you're refusing to take a step back on your own, and truly assess the entire landscape without the background noise.