Do you think this is worth waiting for?

[potd2009]

I am speaking as an Indian-American woman born in the US. I'm a child of two Indian immigrants whose marriage to each other was arranged. I have always been crystal clear with my parents since I was a pre-teen: I will be making my own romantic choices; I may or may not marry another Indian; I may marry someone of a race or ethnicity about which you have made prejudiced remarks (of which I disapprove); it is not your role to find me my spouse; and my marriage will not be dependent on your approval. They understand and accept and respect this. It is not a point of contention between us.

 

I feel very strongly, as a product of the same culture as your (ex-?)boyfriend: if you are an Indian who wants to date non-Indians, as a matter of basic self-respect and respect for your future partner(s), you must stand up to your parents about the fact that you intend to date non-Indians seriously and may marry one. You must insist on your right to make your own decisions. It is absolutely a character flaw if you do not. Dating someone of a different race and telling them that you'll have to leave them when it comes to get serious because your parents won't approve ... makes you, at best: (1) something less than a grown adult, i.e. someone who makes their own decisions, insists that those decisions be respected by their loved ones, and is willing to put up with disapproval or distance from family members rather than being blackmailed into making different relationship decisions; and (2) someone unethical enough to put a partner through the ringer emotionally. This guy is not worthy of your respect or your time and is not relationship material, until he grows a pair and stands up to his parents. (Don't get me wrong: if you are an Indian who agrees with your parents that you should only have serious relationships with other Indians, then that's fine...as long as you don't date non-Indians and mess with their feelings and emotions.)

 

Sorry for the bluntness. I have a very hard time hearing about this level of idiocy from within my own culture. More so, because it gives the rest of us a bad name to non-Indians, and may lead to assumptions about our interest/seriousness level/ability to date non-Indians. And as someone who knows firsthand how difficult - and yet how necessary - it can be to stand up to Indian parents in order to forge a mainstream American life (including dating life) for oneself, I have a hard time respecting anyone of my same background who hurts others rather than standing up to their own parents.

[learning112]

If he ends up with a job far Away for 2 years, I literally can't come with him because of my job. I personally would be fine with long distance for sveral years because i really feel he could be the one. But I'm not goin to do it if he can't confidently tell me that he would definitely stand up to his parents for me, you know? It's so confusing & I don't know why he didn't just leave things as friends as we were right before I moved.

[abitbroken]

Did you read ANYTHING that potd2009 said. At all??? You response makes me think you did not.

 

If he ends up with a job far Away for 2 years, I literally can't come with him because of my job. I personally would be fine with long distance for sveral years because i really feel he could be the one. But I'm not goin to do it if he can't confidently tell me that he would definitely stand up to his parents for me, you know? It's so confusing & I don't know why he didn't just leave things as friends as we were right before I moved.

 

He DID NOT stand up to his parents. He DID NOT tell his parents for the beginning that he will date and marry who he chooses. He WANTS to marry an Indian girl. Will you understand this?? If he didn't have that discussion with his folks before he started dating anyone, before he graduated from high school, etc, he is NOT GOING TO.

 

Sometimes someone being "the one" doesn't have to do completely with a "connection" or this "soul mateness" - it is due to many factors including where they are at in life, timing, etc., and their goals as well as having an attraction. There is not only this "one" person for you who is marked for you and if you miss that person that's it. If he has different goals in life, does not share basic faith values with you, and wants to play you, he is not the guy for you. If a guy lives on the other side of the world, then he isn't for you either.

 

you have NEVER answered my questions about whether you guys share the same faith and are compatible about other ideas. You really only want to cancel this guy out as a boyfriend if his job takes him 3,000 miles away. You rae willing to accept him any other way. He is sounding like a commitmentphobe at this point and if he was of your exact same ethnic background or culture, everyone would be saying that.

 

I don't know why he didn't just leave things as friends as we were right before I moved.

 

Don't act so helpless to have to go along with whatever he wants like you have no will. if a guy did that to me, he wouldn't be worth my time. You KNOW the answer to that question.

[learning112]

Did you read ANYTHING that potd2009 said. At all??? You response makes me think you did not.

No, I didn't see that post until after I'd already posted mine, actually. It was a really helpful post

 

 

*

He DID NOT stand up to his parents. He DID NOT tell his parents for the beginning that he will date and marry who he chooses. He WANTS to marry an Indian girl. Will you understand this?? If he didn't have that discussion with his folks before he started dating anyone, before he graduated from high school, etc, he is NOT GOING TO.

 

I'm sure he planned on going along with his parents, figured it'd be fine & he'd address it when the time came. Because I'm sure he never expected to fall in love with me in the meantime. I mean, he wasn't even living in America until 1 year ago; it would've been a moot point. I think all this caught him by surprise. As he said to me, "I've just never felt this way about anyone before & need time to figure this out"

[SilverFactory]

I mean, he wasn't even living in America until 1 year ago

 

Can you please tell how exactly you two met? and when? did you meet him online before he came to USA?

 

But honestly though - I am not sure what I (and even other people) can say at this point. You seem to defend him a lot and bent on being with him even when he does not feel the same way.

[learning112]

No, we met in person through friends. I'm so torn it hurts. Part of me feels 6 months is way too soon to tell the parents, create turmoil, when we can't even be sure yet that we want to end up married. The rest of me feels like if he won't tell them now, then he never will, and I'll be wasting years of my life. But if he really respected me, wouldn't he not LET me waste years? Meaning, wouldn't he be telling me right now, "We are only staying friends for sure"?

[SilverFactory]

No, we met in person through friends. I'm so torn it hurts. Part of me feels 6 months is way too soon to tell the parents, create turmoil, when we can't even be sure yet that we want to end up married. The rest of me feels like if he won't tell them now, then he never will, and I'll be wasting years of my life. But if he really respected me, wouldn't he not LET me waste years? Meaning, wouldn't he be telling me right now, "We are only staying friends for sure"?

 

Like I said before, if and when the moment arrives (when you guys want to get married) what exactly is this guy going to do?

 

He does not have to tell his parents anything about you right now. But he could, right now, tell his parents that he is open to marrying non-Indian women and expects that they respect his choice. If they don't then you have your answer.

[SilverFactory]

But if he really respected me, wouldn't he not LET me waste years?

 

This is why people here are saying that he is a selfish person and cares only for himself. But you just don't want to believe it.

[potd2009]

I find his behavior more understandable now that I know he is new to the US, assuming that he's only lived in India before and has had limited/no exposure to Western norms. For me, the courage to assert my right to decide my life for myself to my parents (e.g. my career, my right to interracial dating, my right to be childfree, etc.) is a function of the fact that I'm wholly American - a product of our culture that celebrates self-determination. I know from talking to my parents and other immigrant Indians that rebelling against parents and culture can feel unthinkable for them, and it can take many years in the US to internalize our individualist view ... if it ever happens at all. (I've pushed my mother and her friends on great length at WHY they obeyed their parents when told they could not receive more than a bachelor's degree (at the time, anything more was viewed as too much education for women) and why they obediently came home to sit until marriages were arranged for them ... and they've essentially told me that they could not imagine any course of action even as adults than obeying their parents. It literally did not occur to them to try anything else. Of course, they are a different generation than your guy.) This is why the first thing I'm listening for when I date another Indian (whether immigrant or first-generation) is whether they feel bound to follow cultural norms or parental dictates even when their own feelings are different. If they do, it is a complete dealbreaker for me, because my own desires are too different from many Indian norms -- and it's more likely to be the case with newly-arrived Indians than with guys who were born here.

 

I think there are two takeaways as applied to you:

 

1. To the extent he's spent more years in an environment where he's been taught that defying parents is unthinkable, he may be less likely than an American-born Indian to go against his parents' wishes. Also, if his parents are still in India, they may be less likely to evolve on this point to accept an interracial relationship than if they are in the US. My parents and their same-generation friends have told me that they've had to evolve to accept essentially having American children who don't behave as Indian children would ... and I'm not sure this would be as true for parents who are still in India. (I am cringing to write this paragraph, as I dislike generalities/stereotypes, but as I don't know the guy here, that's the most I can do.)

 

2. In general, if you were talking about an American-born Indian, I would tell you that even at six months, I feel they should be comfortable telling their parents. This forces them to act like adults who are making their own decisions, gives the parents time to accept that they are dating a non-Indian (if this is needed), and gives the non-Indian the peace of mind that the relationship won't end later if the parents find out and disapprove. And I'd say for someone born here in their 20s or 30s, if they don't have the guts to do that now, I'm not convinced it would change a year or two down the road. But someone who is newly here in the US, who is contending with feelings with a non-Indian for the first time ... yeah, his willingness to "come out" to his parents could grow with time if the relationship and his feelings strengthen. BUT you are taking a huge, huge emotional risk, and you are agreeing to let him put you in a very unfair position. If you're having such a hard time leaving now, imagine how devastating it could be down the line.

 

As for your other point, I'm not sure that he is either sure enough of his own feelings and plans -- or sufficiently respectful of your own emotions -- that you can bank on the idea that he wouldn't let you waste years if he won't ever be willing to tell his parents. I suspect that: (1) he doesn't know if he ever will tell his parents about dating a non-Indian; (2) he doesn't know whether the relationship with you will last; and (3) he is probably not agonizing so much as you are about the prospect of wasting years of your life. After all, if you agree to stay, you grant him the power to make all his own decisions - both as to you and his parents. It doesn't put him in a position where he needs to be doing much agonizing right now.

[SilverFactory]

Excellent post potd2009!

 

OP I think you have some really great advice here. It is up to you to decide.

 

By the end of the day it is YOUR life. Keep that in mind and do what is best for you.

[learning112]

This is such an excellent post. Thanks. I think I should tell him that I totally understand if he doesn't feel ready to make a long-term commitment yet - it's only been 6 months! - but I need him to tell his parents because if we "can't" ever be together long term, then we need that information now instead of wasting years of life. I could say that if he isn't willing to tell them now, that's his right and is fine, but I need to move on and start dating others?

[SilverFactory]

I could say that if he isn't willing to tell them now, that's his right and is fine, but I need to move on and start dating others?

 

Yes, if his parents are not okay with the fact that their dear son is dating a non-Indian woman and may get married to her (if things go well) then you need to move on and start dating others. and how do you know now if his parents won't agree? by him telling them NOW, right NOW.

 

But honestly though - I think you already know the answer. Your first thread in ENA was because of the fact that his parents will not agree for the marriage right? Why would you post your story in a public forum and ask for advice if you knew for sure that he and his parents are okay with a marriage to a non-Indian woman?

[learning112]

 

But honestly though - I think you already know the answer. Your first thread in ENA was because of the fact that his parents will not agree for the marriage right? Why would you post your story in a public forum and ask for advice if you knew for sure that he and his parents are okay with a marriage to a non-Indian woman?

 

Because he was the one who brought up -with no pressure from me - wanting to try a relationship again & tell his parents if things between us progressed to being very serious. I think it was just a lot at once - comes to this country, never thinks he'll fall in love with someone, has never even had a relationship before - and he's come to realize as he matures a bit what he wants to do.

[SilverFactory]

tell his parents if things between us progressed to being very serious

 

let's say things between you two progressed very serious and THEN he tells his parents and they simply say NO. what are you going to do at that point? (after wasting so much time and emotions)

 

has never even had a relationship before

 

didn't he also say that he has never felt for some one like this before? why is he saying that if he has never had a relationship before?

 

well... whatever.... its your life, you decide what to do. I think you have some great advice in this thread.

[abitbroken]

Because he was the one who brought up -with no pressure from me - wanting to try a relationship again & tell his parents if things between us progressed to being very serious. I think it was just a lot at once - comes to this country, never thinks he'll fall in love with someone, has never even had a relationship before - and he's come to realize as he matures a bit what he wants to do.

 

There again - he is telling you that he'll tell his parents if things progressed between the two of you, but they cannot progress until he introduces you to his parents. You can't get more serious with him and meet his friends and family without meeting the folks and he won't introduce you until you get more serious. He has you in the perfect little box. and there is no danger of having you meet them because you are not living near him now. Perfect! How exactly does that work??

[SilverFactory]

There again - he is telling you that he'll tell his parents if things progressed between the two of you, but they cannot progress until he introduces you to his parents. You can't get more serious with him and meet his friends and family without meeting the folks and he won't introduce you until you get more serious. He has you in the perfect little box. and there is no danger of having you meet them because you are not living near him now. Perfect! How exactly does that work??

 

Exactly!

 

This guy is playing her very well and she doesn't realize it and instead just clings on to every shred of hope (false hope that is).

[learning112]

I just don't know what other motive he would have for saying he wants a relationship, and planning to tell his parents if we decide we want something serious, other than genuinely meaning it. Since I don't live near him anymore, I don't conveniently provide sex and/or companionship.

 

After someone moves, if they don't mean very much to you, the out of sight/out of mind thing applies - you can wish them well, not bring up wanting a long distance relationship.

[SilverFactory]

learning112, can you tell us what exactly you want us to tell you? do you want us to tell you that he truly likes you, cares for you, loves you, one fine day he is going to inform his parents, and they will joyfully agree, and you two will get married. is that what you are expecting to hear from us?

 

I ask because you seem to oppose any other type of responses.

[learning112]

learning112, can you tell us what exactly you want us to tell you? do you want us to tell you that he truly likes you, cares for you, loves you, one fine day he is going to inform his parents, and they will joyfully agree, and you two will get married. is that what you are expecting to hear from us?

 

I ask because you seem to oppose any other type of responses.

 

That is what I want to be told, both because I want that to happen... And because as much as I try to reason with myself, logically, I can't see any other reason why he'd ask to pursue a long distance relationship with me other than being serious.

[SilverFactory]

That is what I want to be told, both because I want that to happen... And because as much as I try to reason with myself, logically, I can't see any other reason why he'd ask to pursue a long distance relationship with me other than being serious.

 

I would love to tell you that but I have to be honest with what I think of the situation.

 

This guy is asking YOU for long-distance relationship when he is actually supposed to be asking HIS PARENTS if they would be ok if he gets involved with a non-Indian woman and brings her home. He is not doing that and you are not understanding it.

[learning112]

This guy is asking YOU for long-distance relationship when he is actually supposed to be asking HIS PARENTS if they would be ok if he gets involved with a non-Indian woman and brings her home. He is not doing that and you are not understanding it.

 

Ok. So best plan may be to tell him that if he isn't willing to ask his parents/make a definite determination of whether we have a future, then I need to move on with my life until/unless he is ready to do that?

[SilverFactory]

Ok. So best plan may be to tell him that if he isn't willing to ask his parents/make a definite determination of whether we have a future, then I need to move on with my life until/unless he is ready to do that?

 

Yes, he need not even mention anything about you. He just needs to tell his parents right now "mom and dad, if I fall in love with a non-Indian woman and wish to marry her would you be ok with it?". Whether they say 'yes' or 'no' he needs to tell you that.

[abitbroken]

That is what I want to be told, both because I want that to happen... And because as much as I try to reason with myself, logically, I can't see any other reason why he'd ask to pursue a long distance relationship with me other than being serious.

 

The thing is he is NOT pursuing a long distance relationship with you. He is telling you he can't make a decision on whether you are in a relationship until he hears about his job and in the meantime is dropping hints like"if things progress" and "we'll see how things go..." If you were in a long distance relationship, you would be officially boyfriend and girlfriend, just living apart. His family and your family would know about the other one and when there was a family wedding or funeral, the one living apart would come back for it.

 

OptimisticGirl on ENA married a man who was mostly long distance with her - but there was NO DOUBT they were "together" and on the same page.

 

What he is doing is KEEPING IN TOUCH and keeping his options open. you guys are talking about a potential relationship = you guys broke up and now you are talking about a potential for one.

 

If you were living in the same place, i guarantee you would get sick of this just like you did before and you would move on. You would be tired of him hiding you. But you buy it on the phone.

 

I also think having had sex once and being his first experience complicates the matter.

 

btw, other than saying that you "feel a strong connection" - if this guy was from here and had no marriage impediments, what qualities does he have that would make you think he is your future husband? You never answered my questions if you guys are on the same page as far as kids, what country you would live in as a family, and if your faith values are similar enough to be life partners. If you are not absolutely on the same page on all that - let this guy go. It is not worth it to push for him to meet his parents and then say "sorry" that you changed your mind about him having potential because you are too far different in that regard. Make sense?

 

I really would date other people. Have him call if and when he figures himself out and is ready to introduce you - that is if you are single at that time. If you won't do that - tell him to call you in two months if his job is going to be in this country and if he is going to india don't bother. But not before then. But really. you need to just get out of this misery. Move on and find an Indian guy that is not wanting an arranged marriage or a guy who is white, asian, black, etc, who doesn't come from a tradition like that.

[abitbroken]

Ok. So best plan may be to tell him that if he isn't willing to ask his parents/make a definite determination of whether we have a future, then I need to move on with my life until/unless he is ready to do that?

 

He has already made a definite determination. He either wants to marry an Indian woman and is afraid to tell you so is making the parents the bad guy or he has made a decision by not approaching his parents. Or he wants to and won't approach his parents, therefore will go ahead with marrying an Indian girl.

 

Yes, he need not even mention anything about you. He just needs to tell his parents right now "mom and dad, if I fall in love with a non-Indian woman and wish to marry her would you be ok with it?". Whether they say 'yes' or 'no' he needs to tell you that.

 

That is a start. But that should follow soon with her meeting the parents. it is not fair to have someone be your girlfriend/boyfriend and having to hide them. It could be that he asks his parents that, and then he tells her that he needs "time" so he is not introducing someone so soon after "the talk" he had with his folks.

[SilverFactory]

That is a start. But that should follow soon with her meeting the parents. it is not fair to have someone be your girlfriend/boyfriend and having to hide them. It could be that he asks his parents that, and then he tells her that he needs "time" so he is not introducing someone so soon after "the talk" he had with his folks.

 

My point is - his parents will most likely say NO. Because that is what they said before and that is why he is hiding her from them and the reason for this drama. If his parents say NO then its game over. If they say YES then of course he immediately needs to introduce her to his family.

 

Honestly, I am hating this guy this so much now. Some years down the lane if the OP meets another Indian guy that actually wants to be with her I am sure she will reject him because of what this guy did to her.