Do you think this is worth waiting for?

[abitbroken]

I feel i keep repeating myself so I am going to bow out for a little while, esp in comparison to the last thread. If you want a simple answer.

 

NO I don't think this is worth waiting for.

[learning112]

At one point he DID say we could only be friends. But apparently he was really depressed about it- told me he was crying himself to sleep every day! Then when we went out right before I moved, I assumed we were still only friends & then he blurted out how he wanted to see how things go - meaning see how far apart we'll be for 2 years (he'll know within the next few months) & take it from there as far as his parents. He told me when I asked that he feels he may be able to resolve that part w the family.

[abitbroken]

Everyone gets down when they break up with someone. That's normal. Even after it was over with my rotten and abusive ex. I was devastated. He probably told you he will resolve the part with his family knowing that you won't be together for two years to keep you on the hook. I still would stop communicating with him for now. There has been NO break in your communication for him to get from the crying himself to sleep to getting past that. He can't "know within the next few months" if he has not experienced life without your contact.

 

Also, you are too passive and are letting him set the pace for this.

 

Honestly - if you have a 2 year wait to see him next why not explore other options and that way you will know if you really think he is the right guy for you or "what the heck was i thinking??" Honestly, I would take a break and live your life in your new town. See where that takes you. You will find out a lot about yourself. new town! new school, etc.! time to explore.

 

He is not saying "i want to be with you and will do whatever it takes - let's schedule to see eachother = i want to introduce you to mom and dad." He is saying "lets see what we want in 2 years." He is just kicking it down the road!

 

Anyway - what are the good things in this relationship?? or your former relationship with him??? Do you guys have the same faith beliefs? Do you agree in the same things as far as kids? How about managing money? Living in a particular town or traveling to get a career? If there are great divides in any of those things with you two, then you really need to look hard at this and move on. It is not fair to push someone to make a sacrifice when you are not all in either.

 

Why won't you leave him alone for awhile???? why can't you not do that??

 

Okay - i am tapping out.

[SilverFactory]

Sad to read that you are still wasting your time with this.

 

Very true.

 

I can't believe she is still wasting her time with that guy

[learning112]

I would've just left things with this guy alone, but he was the one who suddenly brought up wanting to see where things went moving forward, & all of a sudden there was even more emotion/romance/ whatever else between us than ever before. I just don't know why he'd bother bringing up moving forward when he knew I was about to be long distance... Unless he wasn't just a waste of my time.

[SilverFactory]

he was the one who suddenly brought up wanting to see where things went moving forward, & all of a sudden there was even more emotion/romance/ whatever else between us than ever before

 

Of course he is going to come after you. How else is he going to pass time until his arranged marriage with an Indian woman?

 

I know very well that some of the responses here, including mine, hurt you because that is not what you want to hear. But to be honest that is the truth. This guy will NEVER marry you. We are telling you that again and again but you don't seem to get it. If he comes after you you are making the assumption that he must still like you and will eventually go against his family and get married to you. He won't!

 

Please, you are wasting your precious time with this guy. Don't do it. Go out on dates with other men and try to find some one that will be glad to have you in his life. You are right now wasting your time with a guy that will NOT have you in his life (regardless of the sweet things he is spouting out now).

[learning112]

Of course he is going to come after you. How else is he going to pass time until his arranged marriage with an Indian woman?

 

I know very well that some of the responses here, including mine, hurt you because that is not what you want to hear. But to be honest that is the truth. This guy will NEVER marry you.

 

I see the point you're trying to make, but it doesn't seem right to me. If he wanted to "pass time" until an arranged marriage, he should choose someone who's easily available -- meaning, in his geographic area! -- for 1) sex, 2) companionship, or both. I just moved far away. He was the one who suddenly brought up, "Can we see how things go between us? I've just never felt this way about anyone before..." No one would move in that direction unless they truly cared, because long distance isn't a fun way to just "pass time." He could've just said, "I'll always be your friend, but no sense in being more than that because of the distance." Easy excuse.

 

Regardless, I can ask him whether he is thinking of this as exclusively dating. If not, then of course I will go date others!

[abitbroken]

I see the point you're trying to make, but it doesn't seem right to me. If he wanted to "pass time" until an arranged marriage, he should choose someone who's easily available -- meaning, in his geographic area! -- for 1) sex, 2) companionship, or both. I just moved far away. He was the one who suddenly brought up, "Can we see how things go between us? I've just never felt this way about anyone before..." No one would move in that direction unless they truly cared, because long distance isn't a fun way to just "pass time." He could've just said, "I'll always be your friend, but no sense in being more than that because of the distance." Easy excuse.

 

Regardless, I can ask him whether he is thinking of this as exclusively dating. If not, then of course I will go date others!

 

Then he would run into the same problems as he had with you with a new woman - she would want to meet his friends and family. etc.

 

Now you are the PERFECT girlfriend. you live FAR AWAY and are in no danger of bumping into his friends or his family. And you'll listen to him cry/talk/whatever on the phone - you are in his pocket when he needs you. If true companionship was important - he would have involved you with family and friends long ago.

 

As far as sex - he might not have sex until he meets his arranged wife and marries her. He hasn't had sex with you yet, right? So not having sex with you longer might not bother him so much.

 

Also, as far as "exclusively dating" - well he can say that you are - and still never introduce you to anyone or talk about you to others. It will be JUST LIKE before except you are miles away.

 

Okay - let's give the benefit of the doubt that you guys do work out someday - to do that you have to LET HIM go NOW. You have to totally cut things off with him. And then see where your head is at a few months down the road. That is the only way because right now - you have never had time away from his contact pretty much. You have had no real time to let their be a possible of him never being around again to know if that's what you really want.

 

You have never said anything that has convinced me, either, that you two are two peas in a pod, are a great couple EXCEPT for the arranged marriage obstacle. He has been presented as a kind but spineless young man who doesn't have any qualities superior to other potential young men that could come your way other than he keeps making promises to get you on the hook.

 

And you have never told us whether you agree with his faith, etc, and all the other ingredients that go towards compatibility as a potential mate - it is all about you wanting to be official and him not wanting it and telling you he can't - but giving you breadcrumbs.

 

We are on your side. We REALLY are - but we can't just sit by while you put yourself in for a miserable month or few years, just like the woman who is with a married man who can't/won't commit to her, etc.

 

 

Regardless, I can ask him whether he is thinking of this as exclusively dating.

 

what about YOU??? Is talking on the for two years and being a secret to his family your idea of dating??

[learning112]

Now you are the PERFECT girlfriend. you live FAR AWAY and are in no danger of bumping into his friends or his family. And you'll listen to him cry/talk/whatever on the phone - you are in his pocket when he needs you.

But I could've been those things still, as "friends only." In fact, if he didn't step up and say we should try being more than friends long distance, then he would've had exactly that arrangement. Companion, no pressures of a relationship. Something made him not keep it that way. Also, he totally hates the phone/ isn't a big texter, he's all about in-person. so that is nooot a benefit to him

 

He hasn't had sex with you yet, right? So not having sex with you longer might not bother him so much.

No, we have. the last time we got together, there was obviously a lot of tension & he said "it's practically impossible for me to stop but i refuse to do this again until our future is more solidified because what's most important to me is not harming anything we've built over all this time."

 

right now - you have never had time away from his contact pretty much. You have had no real time to let their be a possible of him never being around again to know if that's what you really want.

I've gone weeks at a time, multiple times, blowing him off completely. Each time, it feels horrible in a way that I'm without my other half. I've told him this. He agrees. One time that I was blowing him off, was the time he literally came to find me.

 

We are on your side. We REALLY are - but we can't just sit by while you put yourself in for a miserable month or few years, just like the woman who is with a married man who can't/won't commit to her, etc.

I truly do appreciate this.

 

what about YOU??? Is talking on the for two years and being a secret to his family your idea of dating??

Yes, because i believe this is my soulmate/counterpart, for many reasons I won't get into here. If he said he cared about me but refused a relationship, then of course I'd quickly move on & date others. But with no pressure from me, he won't keep things as just friends even though i'm gone now, and the situation is so confusing to me -- i just cannot figure this one out.

[SilverFactory]

Let me tell you what happened with 2 of my Indian friends:

 

Guy 1: He went to grad school with me. Met an American woman online, started dating, had sex, went into a serious relationship. His family came to know about this and asked him to dump her as they have arranged a marriage for him with an Indian woman. He kept going back and forth with his family but they didn't budge. He finally broke up with her and got married to the Indian woman.

 

Guy 2: Works with me in the same company. Met a woman in SF, started dating, had sex, went into a serious relationship. His family came to know about this and asked him about her. He told them he is serious about her. He then took her to India and introduced her as his girlfriend to his family and friends. He is still with her and is planning to get married to her.

 

Clearly you can see the difference between these 2 guys. Their actions are making it very clear. You might think your guy is guy # 2 but I can tell you he is guy # 1. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

[abitbroken]

But with no pressure from me, he won't keep things as just friends even though i'm gone now, and the situation is so confusing to me -- i just cannot figure this one out.

 

But its up to BOTH of you - not just what he sails in with at the time.

 

He is saying "let's see how this goes" after 2 years?? That's fair to say on the 2nd date, but not now.

 

The crux of the matter is this - we meet people, we fall in love, we think things are wonderful...but when it comes down to who we want to consider for the long term - there are other considerations. There may be several suitable guys but only one eventually in for the long haul that is worthy of you having a ring on his finger After two years, you are still waiting for the moment when he will introduce you to family and close friends. That is a LOOONG time. (i mean, not even siblings and eventually parents)

 

I think this is what you should do. You should pick a convenient time 6 months from now, etc, and tell him that you are coming to his town (your old town?) for a visit. At that time, you would like to be introduced to his family.

If he tells you at any time before the trip that he will not or cannot - you don't go. If you go, and he waffles and weasels out of it and wants to see you in secret - that's another answer. Your misery will officially be over. Or by some miracle he does, then you will have proven everyone wrong. But its not done there. It is up to what happens after that - whether they accept you/whether he decides he wants to be with you instead of an Indian girl. And then it is up to can you stand his family?

 

I mean - you didn't even get to know them as a casual member of the community who was not interested in their son to even know what they are like.

 

Granted, even after all of that, you guys could decide to part ways as some relationships do - or not.

 

You have to set boundaries that mean something for you.

 

And it IS in your power to tell HIM that you are long distance, it was cruel for him to want more but not want more in all the time you were with him and you want no communication or minimal until he decides on doing what you wanted in the first place and if he won't - goodbye. Don't beat it in his head everyday - just say that "if you would like to date me, i will be back at x time. I expect i will be meeting your parents since you would like to introduce me to them as your girlfriend." And then don't talk to him until or be very minimal.

 

 

But really - it is up to if you want to fit yourself into his life no matter what HE decides or whether you want to be his girlfriend only who has a chance of marriage and not just friends, not secret girl

 

But I think you should take the wisdom of Redwood Shores. Assume that he is guy #1 unless he really shocks you - but don't WAIT. MOVE ON. and see what he does in six months, or whenever you see fit to go out there.

[penelope13]

You must realize by now that he is a very selfish reason. Why do you think he continues to throw around words of the future and "let's see how this develops" etc? - Because he wants (whatever little you are sharing with him despite the distance) you all to himself. You said yourself, if he would call this a friendship, you would be fine with it, but you would consider dating others - that's what he doesn't want. He is not able to give you a full relationship, but when it boils down to it, he doesn't want you to share this with someone else either. Since he is a coward, he is not going to say out straight what his true intentions are, because he is all about himself.

 

Even (in the unlikely event) that he sees himself struggling between 2 difficult choices - if he had any character, he would sort out his differences with his family immediately, not in 2 years. or he would set you free while he sorts out his life - not take you on an unfair emotional collar roaster that is totally dictated by him

[learning112]

He is saying "let's see how this goes" after 2 years?? That's fair to say on the 2nd date, but not now.

Important clarification -- we'd only been dating 3 months the first time around. Now, technically we've "known" each other 6 months total.

The 2 years part = he will know, within a few months, whether we'll be spending the next 2 years being 3 or 3000 miles apart.

This is why I think it's fair for him to want to "wait & see" right now.

And the fact that he's willing to wait at all when I'm currently not conveniently around for sex, companionship, or anything is why I feel like he could be serious about me. Didn't choose the easy, obvious route of "let's just stay friends, you're far away right now, bye."

[SilverFactory]

3000 miles apart.

 

Is he going back to India? or are you moving to the other side of the coast in the US? I don't understand this.

 

In any case I don't buy this:

 

he will know, within a few months, whether we'll be spending the next 2 years being 3 or 3000 miles apart

 

He already knows!! trust me on this. He is just telling you things and you are buying everything that is coming out of his mouth.

 

But honestly though, regardless of what anyone here is saying you seem to be very convinced that he likes you and will eventually change his mind and be with you. If this is the case may I ask why you are looking for third party opinions from people like us? If you truly believe without a shred of doubt that he will stand up to his parents one fine day to be with you why are you asking for advice/opinions?

[learning112]

If this is the case may I ask why you are looking for third party opinions from people like us? If you truly believe without a shred of doubt that he will stand up to his parents one fine day to be with you why are you asking for advice/opinions?

 

He really won't know for 3 months -- it's job-related and trust me -- this isn't something that could be lied about. Would be in this country regardless. But maybe very far. To me it makes sense to figure out this unknown (& even see if we "work" long distance right now) before rocking the boat with the parents potentially needlessly.

 

I don't believe without a shred of doubt. I'm trying to sort through things in my head, get valuable advice about where he seems to be coming from and think through what I want.

[calichick007]

But you argue against any advice that isn't "wait for him" and make excuses for him at every turn...

[learning112]

I guess I do, because I truly think he's right. Once he introduces me to his parents, we may as well be engaged because it's a huge, controversial, difficult step & he'd better be serious to do it. He's only known me for 6 months total, and we are just now starting to be long distance -- should we really be expected to know, right now, if we want to stay together for life? We don't even know how long distance is gonna go for a month yet. and the long distance could go on for 2 additional years, we won't know till fall.

 

I think "waiting and seeing" is a totally reasonable plan. But if I suspected there was little to no chance he'd ever stand up to his family regardless, then obviously I should be dating others in the meantime. But is there really any other way to know that than trust him?

[SilverFactory]

He's only known me for 6 months total, and we are just now starting to be long distance -- should we really be expected to know, right now, if we want to stay together for life?

 

The problem is not if you guys want to stay together for life BUT if and when that moment comes will this guy go ahead and take you in his life OR dump you and go for an arranged marriage with an Indian woman. This is not just a specific situation for you BUT for any non-Indian woman that might have dated him. IF things go well will he stand up to his parents and get married to his woman? or just yield to pressure from his parents and go for an Arranged Marriage with some Indian woman? that's the real question... and from what you have told us so far the answer looks like NO.

 

You are only going to waste your time waiting for this guy and then getting dumped. Walk away now with your dignity intact and start dating other men.

[learning112]

I think you hit the nail on the head. We've only known each other 6 months; it's fine for him to say he wants to wait & see how things go before any serious step like moving in together or engagement. But I get the feeling he has a passive approach towards the whole thing- "if things work out with us" means " if I happen to get a job super close to you for the next 2 years, & if my parents happen to be ok with us." That's not a foundation for a good RL, you know? He has to say "I want to try to make things work & am prepared to make sacrifices, not stay with you only if all our cards align perfectly by chance & it's easy." he doesn't have to be willing to introduce me to the family yet before seeing how long distance is going to work for us. But he has to be willing to sacrifice family disapproval for me when we do get to that point. If he can never see himself doing that then I think I'd be wasting my time

[SilverFactory]

But he has to be willing to sacrifice family disapproval for me when we do get to that point. If he can never see himself doing that then I think I'd be wasting my time

 

Yep that's exactly what I am saying.

 

Think of it this way - let's say you were dating an American man. If things went very well and both of you feel that you want to be together for the rest of your life would you, at that point, be wondering if his parents are going to approve him marrying you? you would not. Instead you would be busy planning for the wedding. But with this guy you are always going to be wondering EVEN if things went very well.

[learning112]

Makes so much sense now! Thanks! Let's pretend for a second his parents would be thrilled about him marrying me... At baseline, I don't want a guy who isnt willing to stand up or sacrifice for me & will only be with me when everything is easy. No matter what the obstacle

[SilverFactory]

Let's pretend for a second his parents would be thrilled about him marrying me...

 

Then its all good! I don't see what could be the problem in that case.

 

But it doesn't look like it, does it? From whatever you have told so far it looks like his family wants him to take the arranged marriage route.

 

Here is a funny story - A while ago I was dating an Indian woman and when I told my sisters about this they disappointingly exclaimed "I thought we were going to get an American sister-in-law" haha... what an irony even though me and him are from the same country

[learning112]

That is very funny! But no, I dont think things would be perfect between he & I then. Because some other difficulty would present itself sooner or later- as is true for all relationships- and If he's the type of guy who is wishy washy about one issue (family), then I couldn't really expect him to be the type to selflessly sacrifice for any other reason once things got even a little difficult at any point.

[SilverFactory]

That is very funny! But no, I dont think things would be perfect between he & I then. Because some other difficulty would present itself sooner or later- as is true for all relationships- and If he's the type of guy who is wishy washy about one issue (family), then I couldn't really expect him to be the type to selflessly sacrifice for any other reason once things got even a little difficult at any point.

 

Ok then you know what to do.

 

Think very carefully, think a lot, think hard and make a decision. and once you make that decision stick to it no matter what.

[abitbroken]

That is very funny! But no, I dont think things would be perfect between he & I then. Because some other difficulty would present itself sooner or later- as is true for all relationships- and If he's the type of guy who is wishy washy about one issue (family), then I couldn't really expect him to be the type to

selflessly sacrifice for any other reason once things got even a little difficult at any point.

 

It is ALREADY difficult. He really is not letting you in since you have never met his family. One of my exes was decently sweet to me - we were always alone. And he portrayed himself as the black sheep. Once i met his family and saw his dynamic in related to them, I should have left right there. The way he interacted with some of his relatives told me the while story of who the boss was and he didn't treat female relatives particularly well - a sign of how he eventually would treat me. You are in for a headache if you don't share similar faith, won't kowtow to his parents, etc.

 

If you had already met his parents, you guys were two peas in a pod and he said he might have to move 3,000 miles away, you would either be planning for that adventure together, he would be asking you what he thought and WOULD NOT take the job if you both felt that you would not be happy there or leave you behind and have a specific timeline just to make sure the job is the real deal (get established there 3 months and send for you, though you would already be engaged or married). It would be about what path you BOTh want to take.

 

I think that if he needs 2-3 months to decide, you should honestly say "okay, well call me in three months if you decide" and go on your merry way of meeting friends and dating others. Just go have fun. If he ends up being three miles from you, then he has to court you. He is not automatically your boyfriend. You start over. The competition is other guys you are getting to know, your schedule, your friends, your job/classes. he has to ask you out on dates and accept you are not his beck and call. And if he hides his close friends and family - then well - bye bye. or if he display personality and behaviors you can't mesh with - NEXT. And don't Agree NOW to date = if it so happens, fine, but he may find he loses out and YOU use the next 3 months to think too and see how it is not to be sitting and waiting for a guy.

 

I think this is the first (or not first, depending) of many young men you will feel a strong connection with and he's not the last. Sometimes your life doesn't match up to another's.

 

And on top of it, you are asking him to give up his culture to merely DATE. You aren't sold on this guy for the long term since he is so wishy washy now.