Do you think this is worth waiting for?

[SilverFactory]

Let's just be honest here - it doesn't matter what anyone here says, does it? Whatever anyone says you are just going to counter it. All the answers and explanations have been given to you already. It is up to you to make a decision and call it quits with this guy once and for all. I am so hating him right now for putting you through so much confusion, pain, and agony. Please run away from this guy before he gives you his wedding invitation for the arranged marriage or you see him with his newly married Indian wife. If you didn't move on by then its going to break your heart and you will spend a long time in healing. Save all the heartache and move on right now!

[potd2009]

Let's just be honest here - it doesn't matter what anyone here says, does it? Whatever anyone says you are just going to counter it.

 

No, it doesn't matter...and I'm almost wondering whether all the earnest responses from all of us here are being as unrealistic re: our chances of getting through to learning112 as she is being about getting her ex to be her partner.

[penelope13]

it's also possible he HAS actually told her directly - but she is experiencing a selective memory of the things that give her some hope

[SilverFactory]

I actually feel sad for the OP.

 

I have been in the exact state of denial... I just would not accept any one telling me that the woman I was crazy about did not see me in a romantic light. Just like the OP I also kept countering everything people told me and naively believed that she liked me.

 

...... and then one fine day I saw her kissing her new boyfriend and my heart broke!

 

I really do not wish some thing like this for the OP. I really hope she can see things as they are instead how she wants it to be.

[calichick007]

I understand your frustration but my frustration lies all with him. A clear answer is "no." Why must he always leave possibilities open, still say maybe, make side comments about how being with me is simply what feels right despite everything?

 

Because people almost NEVER say NO. A L M O S T N E V E R. People love to leave a tiny crack in the door, just in case their Plans A-M fall through. In case the person they really want doesn't want them and they might want to come take you off the shelf. In case they get lonely and want to be able to use you for support/conversation/an ego boost. For any number of reasons. Read through the threads on this website. Hardly ANYBODY gets a straight up "No, never going to happen." In my 31 years, I've never had a guy give me the courtesy of a definite no when ending things. Ever. Did any of them come back around and profess their love for me? No.

 

I agree with the others in that you aren't really here for advice, but more just to try to convince yourself (and maybe others) that this guy is sincere and might really intend to marry you. You are the only one who things that is even a remote possibility, but I know from personal experience that when you're in as deep as you are, nothing anybody can say can make you see things for what they really are. You'll have to ride this out for yourself, and chances are good that at the end of the ride (1) he will be marrying someone else, and (2) you will have let lots of eligible men pass you by, b/c you'll never be able to fully open yourself to someone else while you are so much under the hold of another person. Really no other way for this to play out. I too, feel very sorry for you.

[learning112]

Regardless of whether we are "together" or what each of our relationship statuses are, there is something that binds us together that is going to continue and will never be erased... I am very sure of this... We'll never stop talking, never stop caring or confiding in each other through anything...

[penelope13]

Is this the first person you are in love with?

[learning112]

I've had multiple long, committed relationships. This guy never has. Sure he's emotionally immature, but that alone shouldn't explain why he tells me I'm the love of his life and he wants to do long distance, then a week later says he can't "right now," then "I can't ever be in a relationship with you and I'm not going to talk to you for a while to give you time to heal"... As far as that last text, I didn't actually receive it - my phone battery died. So we talk via Yahoo! chat 2 hours later and he tells me that text (which I later read once my phone was working) was "nothing important" and has a long, long, nice conversation wth me & says we'll talk again soon. Going back on his own word within 2 hours (he assumed I was never gonna read that text later).

[penelope13]

doesn't this show you that this is an unstable person? -there is probably no reason for you to discover why he flip flops. he probably doesn't know himself.

 

all you really know is that you can't rely on whatever he says. what is his reality one moment will be different than from 2 hours later. - that's NOT a healthy behavior for anyone.

 

why do you want to be in a relationship with such a person?

 

what gives you the conviction that your interpretation of his confused thoughts is the right one. and even if it is 'the right/true one' - if he doesn't stick to it for more than 2 hours you can't build a life based on the hope that 2 hours later he will say what you want to hear and that everything else will be forgotten.

[abitbroken]

All I ask is that you stick to your boundaries. He said he won't know for two months about his job. Okay. Then STOP COMMUNICATION for two months so he can get his head together - or not. Then when he finds out in 2 months where he will be - he is allowed to contact you and give you an answer "i am moving to India so it will never work" is an answer. "i got a job here but my parents won't allow me to marry a non Indian" THAT is an answer. "Come over and meet my parents." THAT is an answer. There is no answer of "i can't marry you...but you are the love of my life."

 

Doesn't that sound reasonable?? And radio silence for awhile will give you clarity and end these empty promises.

 

btw, i firmly believe he is telling you loud and clear that although he loves you, it won't work in the long run, but you won't listen!

 

I think you need to decide what you want in your heart of hearts - that has NOTHING to do with him.

 

You have NEVER EVER answered me if he has compatible ideas about kids, faith, etc - or you don't want to know because you are caught up in his words. If you want to be with this guy, you absolutely have to be WILLING to look at the nitty gritty here. No, you don't have to marry every guy you go for pizza with but since to really be with him would require a serious commitment if a one in a million chance he doesn't marry and Indian girl, you have to honestly look at these things right now. find out if it is really worth putting yourself on the line or by the rare chance that he does turn to you, are you going to bow out in the end because of these things?? You have to be absolutely willing if these things aren't matching.

 

In the two months, you take the time to think yourself, as well as to have fun with new people. Maybe in two months your answer will be "no" to him. or it may not be.

 

BTW, My mom was proposed to by another guy before my dad came along. Why did she say no? He couldn't give her what she needed. She didn't want to move to another country (he was American but planned to move). He didn't agree to raise children in her faith and it was dubious whether he even wanted them. They really weren't dating that long either. She DID love him. he DID profess his love but it just wasn't something she could do for life. This won't be the last guy out there.

 

My aunt was head over heels for a guy, but when she found out he was divorced (he was only 25), she had to end the relationship. Those were way back in the days. It was the early 60s so things were different than and her family was strictly religious. It really hurt her. He would have married her in a minute and his first wife abandoned him and his little girl, but there was no way in her mind she could do anything other than a church wedding. she would have felt shamed. she went on to meet my uncle.

 

If you are willing to accept whatever he gives you even if it sidesteps your own needs and boundaries - well I guess than have it. You are sliding and now are forgetting how basic it is for someone to tell the world they have a girlfriend.

[penelope13]

I have to ask you this: what is it that you expect out of this thread?

 

A place to vent, support, advice?

[SilverFactory]

"it seems unlikely that we will be able to get married"

 

"I can't ever be in a relationship with you and I'm not going to talk to you for a while to give you time to heal"

 

What more do you want to know from this guy? He is telling loud and clear that IT IS OVER.

 

Sorry but that is what it is.

 

No need to wait for 2 or 3 months... end it with him (he already has) and move on with your life!

[learning112]

If this guy felt so firmly it was over then he'd be able to go more than 1 hour without me. It took him 1 hour to say "oh shoot never mind I can't stop talking to her & will tell her my text was nothing important & ill talk to her again soon." Again, I never push these things. All I said was "hey did u text? Was it important?"

[SilverFactory]

If this guy felt so firmly it was over then he'd be able to go more than 1 hour without me. It took him 1 hour to say "oh shoot never mind I can't stop talking to her & will tell her my text was nothing important & ill talk to her again soon." Again, I never push these things. All I said was "hey did u text? Was it important?"

 

I don't know what to say anymore... I don't know how to help you.

 

As calichick said I think this is something that you have to ride it out yourself... you will probably understand when he shows up with his Indian wife but unfortunately at that point you will have no one to blame but yourself because you were warned all along!

[penelope13]

and it won't take him an hour or day to say "I don't see us being able to get married" - and you didn't push this either.

[learning112]

You're absolutely right. He is way too fickle and emotionally unstable to be a partner right now, which is why I'm making the right decision dating others. All I'm saying is I don't see how he's ultimately going to end up with anyone but me when he fails so profoundly much at excluding me from his life and heart all the time

[SilverFactory]

You think he loves you but he does'nt. Sorry

[learning112]

Then why is he now hell bent on coming to my bday dinner with all my friends and family? if he didn't want to be with me why would he do that? Either he'd avoid it because he didn't care, or he'd avoid because he'd think it'd be too difficult/painful if he intended for us to stay broken up for good.

[potd2009]

Keyword: YOUR friends and family. Not his. When he actually seriously wants to be with you, you will be invited to events with HIS family and friends.

[SilverFactory]

Then why is he now hell bent on coming to my bday dinner with all my friends and family? if he didn't want to be with me why would he do that? Either he'd avoid it because he didn't care, or he'd avoid because he'd think it'd be too difficult/painful if he intended for us to stay broken up for good.

 

May be because you really pestered him to come to your birthday party? who knows?

 

This guy will come to your birthday party, go to the movies with you, take you out for dinner, etc etc. BUT he will not marry you. Basically he will have a good time with you until he gets an arranged marriage with an Indian woman. Not sure how many times to repeat it.

 

I honestly do not understand why you are STILL running after this guy. Sorry to be blunt - but these are not the actions of a mature, self-respecting woman. Some other woman would have said 'goodbye' to this guy and moved on to a man that will be glad to introduce you to his family. You have dated him for just 6 months and you cannot cut ties even when he is driving you so crazy and treating you so poorly. Imagine what will happen after a year or two.

[SilverFactory]

learning112 - what will actually make you realize that this guy will never get married to you? you seem to not take any responses given by any one. what are your friends telling you about this situation?

 

this guy already broke up with you once because he cannot hurt his parents by telling them about you. then he is telling you to leave him alone.. then he is asking you to go and date others. people in this forum are telling you to run. yet despite all this WHY are you still bent on keeping him in your life? why do you even want this guy in your birthday party?

[learning112]

The other things he was telling me were: after we broke up he could not stop being in my life because he was so in love with me. Wanted to try a long distance relationshi even 2 weeks ago (until everything blew up in his face with work stress). Now wouldn't miss my bday for the world. Says has no intention of dating anyone else and I'm love of hsi life.

 

My friends honestly think he may love me enough for this all to work. Even the friend who's cynical after getting burned in a similar situation.

[calichick007]

Can a moderator close this thread? What is the point? OP is not interested in advice.

[socalhoney]

Can a moderator close this thread? What is the point? OP is not interested in advice.

 

This ^^^^^

[abitbroken]

Then why is he now hell bent on coming to my bday dinner with all my friends and family? if he didn't want to be with me why would he do that? Either he'd avoid it because he didn't care, or he'd avoid because he'd think it'd be too difficult/painful if he intended for us to stay broken up for good.

 

No one said he doesn't care. He just doesn't want to marry you. He knows he will marry an Indian girl and until he stands up and tells his parents that he won't = and then waits for the fallout to clear, he won't. He likes the arrangement where he can see you and then not marry you. You have to decide For YOU if you are willing to cave in. Remember? You want to be his official girlfriend. That was your whole point. He won't introduce you to his family or friends. You were so strong on this point. But you refuse to tell him to go get his head sorted and come back when he decides. You are letting him have access to you anyways.

 

At this birthday party, you better come away with a conversation where he plans to invite you to meet his close friends and family. not "when we get serious" or "2 years from now" but in the near future - a date or an occasion. And not by you pestering, but by him telling you that he wants to be your official boyfirend, that it is too soon to know for sure if you will marry you because you have not known eachother long, but he is sure that he is going to intro you to his nearest and dearest and date you = and he is open to marrying someone who is not arranged and his parents understand that.