Do you think this is worth waiting for?

[SilverFactory]

It hurts when he claims he only told me he wanted to be in a long distance relationship after I was upset at him before, & it made him super depressed & he didn't want to lose me. He refers to that as a "moment of weakness." Except for weeks afterward he kept claiming he'd tell his parents & had zero plans to date anyone else! He didn't just say it 1 single day, he kept up with it even after I left & he had time on his own to think! I don't understand what would motivate someone to behave like this. Ever.

 

How many times are you planning to repeat the same thing over and over? at least you didn't mention that you are the love of his life in this post

 

Just drop this guy and move on with your life. Absolute No Contact is the way to go. If he contacts you don't even bother to respond.

[learning112]

I know it wasn't 1 "moment of weakness," but rather many days -even once I moved away & he had time to "think"- that he led me on to believe he was going to tell his parents & be in a relationship with me. So if he doesn't follow through then he led me on & lied & isn't a man of his word or someone I can trust with my heart. That's all I need to jnw

[SilverFactory]

I know it wasn't 1 "moment of weakness," but rather many days -even once I moved away & he had time to "think"- that he led me on to believe he was going to tell his parents & be in a relationship with me. So if he doesn't follow through then he led me on & lied & isn't a man of his word or someone I can trust with my heart. That's all I need to jnw

 

I really recommend that you NOT try and label him a liar or any other labels. At this point you have all the information that you need and it is just wise to move on with your life. If you try to break your head and think that this guy was liar and led you on you are going to have lot of bitterness.

 

The only thing you need to know (and accept) is the fact that he will never marry you. He did not even try talking to his parents so that says a lot about him. Who knows what he is thinking and feeling? and why he won't even try telling his parents about you? so many questions... but you don't have to find the answers to all of them. The answer to the most important question is crystal clear - he will not marry you. So accept it and move on.

[abitbroken]

It hurts when he claims he only told me he wanted to be in a long distance relationship after I was upset at him before, & it made him super depressed & he didn't want to lose me. He refers to that as a "moment of weakness." Except for weeks afterward he kept claiming he'd tell his parents & had zero plans to date anyone else! He didn't just say it 1 single day, he kept up with it even after I left & he had time on his own to think! I don't understand what would motivate someone to behave like this. Ever.

 

He tells you he wants an LDR even though he doesn't really think it will work so you won't be upset. he won't tell his parents about you because THEY will be upset. I think he just doesn't like to face the music in life. he wants no one to be upset with him so he goes and gives lip service to everyone and doesn't commit to anything, eihter way - whether its putting you behind - or having a relationship.

 

When will you stop analyzing what is in his head and start thinking about what emotional torture this put you through and realize that enough is enough. You are not being treated this way and will never speak to him again out of YOUR CHOICE.

 

This long term relationship cannot happen. it is clear that it can't. So why beat yourself constantly?

[learning112]

How is it clear that it can't when a month ago he told me it could? And when he previously said he gets deeply depressed whenever not talking to me for more than a few days?

[penelope13]

There is no point in trying to understand the whys of his reasoning or actions - it's only necessary that you act in your benefit based on his actions

 

(i'm sure I said that to you before ...)

[learning112]

It's worth it to me because it tells me which of his conflicting messages to actually believe & if he's a liar.

[penelope13]

but there is a HUGE intrinsic risk that you will never be able to understand the mechanisms of his thinking. It's difficult enough to understand your own thinking/actions.

 

Don't make your ability to move on dependent on 'finding the truth about him'.

[mhowe]

It is not "if" he is a liar.

 

HE IS A LIAR.

 

Absolutely no doubt about it. Walk away or put up with his lying. Those are your choices.

[abitbroken]

How is it clear that it can't when a month ago he told me it could? And when he previously said he gets deeply depressed whenever not talking to me for more than a few days?

 

Now is not a month ago. Now is now. He might have realized a LDR still entails a relationship other people know about and woke up that an LDR won't work. He can't have a 'secret' LDR. Even if an LDR, you'd want to be known as his girlfriend when you are actually are together and not play these games where he doesn't give you a birthday gift in front of people so no one will know you are dating.

 

And maybe not talking to you did/does make him sad. Its okay that he is sad. It doesn't mean that he wants to or intends to marry you or intends to have a public relationship with you.

 

Also, you have to realize what sweet talk is. Some guys (and girls) do it. "you are my everything" when you are not even in a relationship because he thinks you want to hear it. "if only X wouldn't be, I would have whisked you away on my white horse and lived happily ever after."

 

But bottom line - you do realize that this is unhealthy and it is not about what "he" wants - about him walking away but it is you walking away now. its one of those "you can't fire me...because i quit!"

[Justnotsure]

In real life, people don't generally say "I don't really want to be with you longterm, but I'm kind of afraid to say that, plus I do get an emotional payoff from our interaction, so you SHOULD let me go because this won't work out, but what I'd really like is to keep you as a crutch and and further this unhealthy dynamic until it is no longer tenable because I've met someone else, or this gets too tiring and the payoff does not exceed the cost. Also, I'm a liar and a bad person."

 

In real life, you look at someone's actions, and make inferences. And you make choices about what is best for you. Being indignant about how someone treats you is fine. But continuing to allow it and take no responsibility for your actions is purposely putting yourself in a victim role.

[mhowe]

Yeah, what she said.

[learning112]

It is not "if" he is a liar.

 

HE IS A LIAR.

 

Absolutely no doubt about it. Walk away or put up with his lying. Those are your choices.

 

Maybe you're right. It's hard to let someone go when they've claimed very recently that they just need a little more time to sort out career alone, & then they'll tell their parents. I believed that, you know? And spend lots of time thinking about what I can say /do to upset him enough that he'll realize he wants me in his life & finally takes a big boy step.

[calichick007]

Nothing you can do to force someone to be with you.

[learning112]

I just mean to convey how much I actually want to be with him even now that he has upset me & that he should not give uo

[calichick007]

I just mean to convey how much I actually want to be with him even now that he has upset me & that he should not give uo

 

Then I'll rephrase. You cannot TALK someone into wanting to be with you. He knows how you feel. He knows you want to be with him. He knows you love him. He knows you want him to choose you. He knows you don't want him to give up. And knowing all that, he is choosing to walk away. Nothing you can say to him he doesn't already know. You can't strong arm someone into a relationship with you. People CHOOSE to be together, and you can't make that decision for both of you.

[learning112]

But he's made that decision multiple times before & always just seems a little bit too scared to fully go through with it but always seems right there, and when u really love someone that's torture

[mhowe]

Reread post #316 until it sinks into your head.

No "but", no "if"...that is the unvarnished truth.

[calichick007]

But he's made that decision multiple times before & always just seems a little bit too scared to fully go through with it but always seems right there, and when u really love someone that's torture

 

But, but, but. He has made a choice, and that choice is not being with you. I'm going to ask again. What do you hope to gain from this thread?

 

1. You ask a question.

2. Someone answers.

3. You argue against the answer.

4. Rinse and repeat.

 

Are you just using this thread as a journal? It would be helpful to know, if so.

[learning112]

But HE keeps arguing against his own "answers" too. He's directly contradicted everything he's said before. It's not like an absolute "I'll nvver go aaqinst my parents." More like intermittent "Oh I'll tell them soon if things keep goign well with us."

[mhowe]

You are hearing what you want to hear.

He does not.want to continue a relationship with you.

You cannot talk him into doing so.

[abitbroken]

But HE keeps arguing against his own "answers" too. He's directly contradicted everything he's said before. It's not like an absolute "I'll nvver go aaqinst my parents." More like intermittent "Oh I'll tell them soon if things keep goign well with us."

 

But we are back to square one now. YOU need a relationship where a boyfriend is proud to be with you, would love to be seen with you and can't wait to show you around to the people he cares about most like his grandparents, his best friend since first grade, etc. And I know you desire that because it is ripping you apart not to have that. It is a basic need, and it is not a wrong need. It is a reasonable and normal need.

 

And what are you doing with that? You are telling yourself that he is going to give it to you eventually if you wait.

 

Whether he doesn't want to be with you, loves you but is scared or whatever reason he gives, he cannot and will not give you that. if it were just the folks, you would have already be introduced to his friends and peer family (siblings or cousins) and he would have come to your party, gave you a big hug and kiss and a present rather than sending one later and he would have been attentive to you and be very excited to want to tell people how long you've been dating. He would strive to get along with your family, your dad especially and want to find what his interests were.

 

 

He is not.

 

Its time to realize that your basic needs are very strong. and this relationship doesn't fit the bill. You WILL meet Mr. Right. I promise. someone who will be on the same wavelength as you.

[penelope13]

you are going in circles ...

[strange_]

It's not worth waiting for.

Do you just want to vent or something? It's not like suddenly their answers magically change.

 

He's flaky, and you're letting him- and look at you, all hurt and in pain. It's obvious but you're latching on something that isn't there

[learning112]

I appreciate your post but we are on the same wavelength in every other way... I can understand needing to keep things quiet from family until he is sure the relationship is a sacrifice worth making, because I have multiple Indian friends in real life who have done it that way honestly.

 

Last time apparently he had to get back together bc he got so depressed as soon as I was too mad to talk to him for a few days. How do I work that to my advantage this time?