learning112 Posted June 21, 2013 Author Share Posted June 21, 2013 I don't understand the question- neither an email nor a text has to be responded to immediately. In his case it sounds like he's just hanging on to hope That eventually ill agree to be his best friend so he can share life with me like he says he wants to, while still keeping his parents happy. No. His parents sound horrible from what he himself says. He should say forget it, especially after how they're treating his brother who actually did have some guts. My ex is still freely choosing to hurt me. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 you are freely choosing to let him hurt you Link to comment
calichick007 Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 you are freely choosing to let him hurt you Yup. You aren't a victim. At all. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 I don't understand the question- neither an email nor a text has to be responded to immediately. In his case it sounds like he's just hanging on to hope That eventually ill agree to be his best friend so he can share life with me like he says he wants to, while still keeping his parents happy. No. His parents sound horrible from what he himself says. He should say forget it, especially after how they're treating his brother who actually did have some guts. My ex is still freely choosing to hurt me. I am asking because it looks like you are still talking to him. In your previous post you have written this: "we're closing a business deal right now but ill text you as soon as its over, I'm sorry I'm sorry..." It sounds like you contacted him and he is responding to you. You also wrote this: He talks to me like we're in a relationship & brings up the 10 different aspects of my day that he's dying to hear about So yeah, why are you still talking to him? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 Easy, because I'm not the one who wants boundaries- I love him and want a relationship and have felt quite happy at the times that he did as well. You don't understand boundaries then. Boundaries are healthy. Loving couples, married couples have boundaries. I won't be in a relationship with someone who strikes me or uses drugs. No one is allowed to go into my purse or have my email password. I do't call my bf at work just to chat. It has got to be something really important unless we have agreed to talk during his lunch hour. Your boundary is that you want a relationship that is public, where you are not a secret. You know this is your boundary line and you are conflicted because you are allowing him to mow over this boundary line. You are telling him you won't be with him unless he tells people about you guys and he introduces you, and you are not letting that boundary stick. But you know deep down that you are not letting it stick because you are sick over it - it haunts you but you continue to let him snow you and run over your boundary line. it should be - either you guys are apart or he introduces you to his family NOW. He has not. If you have NO boundaries that means anyone can do anything they want at any time to you and you're okay with it. The only boundary that has been set and stuck to is the ones he has set - no sex again unless you guys are in a real relationship, and he has a boundary that he won't introduce any woman to his folks unless he is really serious and wants to marry her. Those boundaries have been stuck to completely. But he set those. You are not sticking to any of YOUR boundaries whatsoever. You just say to yourself that he is going to see your way eventually. The other thing you are ignoring is he is not treating you with respect. he is doing the push/pull. But you are letting him. He is a jerk. But all you care about is that you think deep down he really wants you. You are willig to be treated badly. And you are teaching him that you allow yourself to be treated badly. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 Just the fact that his parents disowned his brother says a LOT about his family. Who introduced you to this guy? Some boyfriend you have there.. seems like an awesome guy =D> Link to comment
potd2009 Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 Your boundary is that you want a relationship that is public, where you are not a secret. You know this is your boundary line and you are conflicted because you are allowing him to mow over this boundary line. You are telling him you won't be with him unless he tells people about you guys and he introduces you, and you are not letting that boundary stick. But you know deep down that you are not letting it stick because you are sick over it - it haunts you but you continue to let him snow you and run over your boundary line. it should be - either you guys are apart or he introduces you to his family NOW. He has not. But he's not mowing over this boundary line. He's essentially telling her clearly that they are NOT in a relationship; they are not going to be in a relationship; and he would like her to be his best friend without sex. So it's not actually the case that he is asking her to conduct a secret romantic relationship. At this point, her choices are to be platonic friends with this man or to cut ties. He doesn't sound like a catch even as a friend, given his spinelessness, so hopefully she eventually does the latter. In reflecting on this whole thread as an Indian-American woman: it's clarified for me that I would not agree to be in a relationship with an Indian guy who was only willing to be with an Indian woman because that's what his parents required, even though I would satisfy his parents'/his criterion. To me, I'd see his acquiescing to his parents' unreasonable wishes as a character flaw. Parents of adult children do not have the right to dictate anything about their children's romantic relationships, and if an adult child goes along with that sort of bad behavior and overreaching, I'd worry that I'd be agreeing to date the parents as well as the kid. Bad news bears. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 In reflecting on this whole thread as an Indian-American woman: it's clarified for me that I would not agree to be in a relationship with an Indian guy who was only willing to be with an Indian woman because that's what his parents required, even though I would satisfy his parents'/his criterion. To me, I'd see his acquiescing to his parents' unreasonable wishes as a character flaw. Parents of adult children do not have the right to dictate anything about their children's romantic relationships, and if an adult child goes along with that sort of bad behavior and overreaching, I'd worry that I'd be agreeing to date the parents as well as the kid. Bad news bears. Well said! Excellent post Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 22, 2013 Author Share Posted June 22, 2013 To me, I'd see his acquiescing to his parents' unreasonable wishes as a character flaw. Yes. His brother didn't go along with their parents for an arranged marriage, & yet my ex keeps claiming it's all outside of HIS control. He keeps referring to his parents as nuts, well then don't allow them to treat you & your brother this way. Again I think, would he steal something just because his parents told him to? Then why does he completely shatter my heart and abandon me after claiming he was so deeply in love with me, just because his "crazy" (his word) parents tell him to? Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 Then why does he completely shatter my heart and abandon me after claiming he was so deeply in love with me, just because his "crazy" (his word) parents tell him to? Because he does not have courage. Period. At least other Indian men told their parents and fought before giving up but this guy does not even have the guts to open his mouth. This is why he is being described as spineless. Honestly, I don't understand why you are breaking your head over this. Breakup with him (for real this time), stop talking and do not respond to any of his messages, and move on with your life. Other than that I am not sure what else can be done. Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 22, 2013 Author Share Posted June 22, 2013 I'm trying hard to see him as spineless, all talk, someone who never really loved me because otherwise he'd stand up to his parents or at least try the way his brother did. He claims not to agree with his parents at all but then goes along with it saying he has "no choice." Why am I so unable to see this guy as unworthy of my love??? Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 I'm trying hard to see him as spineless, all talk, someone who never really loved me because otherwise he'd stand up to his parents or at least try the way his brother did. He claims not to agree with his parents at all but then goes along with it saying he has "no choice." Why am I so unable to see this guy as unworthy of my love??? I wouldn't say he never loved you. I do believe he loves you. But the problem is since he is so afraid of his family he does not stand up to them. Forget about standing up to them, he doesn't even have the guts to tell them about you. THAT is the real problem. So the end result of this is he will never get married to you regardless of his feelings for you. Once you stop talking to him and cut him off from your life you will get space and time for yourself. Then the clarity of thought will come and then you can move on with your life. The problem is you are refusing to let this guy go and stop talking to him. Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 22, 2013 Author Share Posted June 22, 2013 How do you let someone go- ever- when you are in love with them and believe they feel the exact same for you? Link to comment
penelope13 Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 when you focus on the fact that their actions don't match up Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 How do you let someone go- ever- when you are in love with them and believe they feel the exact same for you? By realizing and accepting the fact that even though he loves you he is refusing to stand up for his woman (you) and thus eliminates the possibility of having a future together. He is not even willing to tell his parents about you let alone fight for you. That makes him a very weak man and it is hard for any woman to respect such a spineless person. By ending things now you save yourself a lot of heart ache. You can also begin the journey of healing and moving on with your life. Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 There is no miracle cure.for this. You have to cut him out of your life. You will heal, but not of you are in contact with him. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted June 22, 2013 Share Posted June 22, 2013 what do you have to lose by not talking to him, not reading his emails etc for 3 months? If this is such an epic love that one day will conquer all obstacles - not being in communication with him for 3 months will not change it. However if you manage to let him go for 3 months and focus on yourself you will gain much more perspective about your interaction with him. At the moment you are too close and still too much in the situation in order to gain any useful perspective for yourself. In that time try not to wallow into thoughts about how life could be with him or what you miss - but focus on your own personal growth and do all the things that you may wan to accomplish before you enter into a serious relationship with anyone, i.e. try to become the best possible version of yourself. what have you to lose by taking up this 3 months challenge? Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 22, 2013 Author Share Posted June 22, 2013 Oh wow. That is the best advice ever. I just started dating someone new & already I can see very tiny snippets of how another guy may have every single thing to offer that my ex did... And if I go no contact for 3 months- telling my ex we can't just be friends- then if he actually needed me in his life so much he wouldn't be able to stand it and would communicate that to his "crazy" parents the way his brother just did. Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 23, 2013 Author Share Posted June 23, 2013 I can go days or weeks without seeing him. The only thing I can't bear is thinking about long term. He's the same- he says I should take a few days to think over everything, not communicate, & hell always be waiting for me to be ready to share lives- But as friends & I'm curious to know how he expects us to stay close if he'd going to have a family with someone else!!! Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 I can go days or weeks without seeing him. The only thing I can't bear is thinking about long term. He's the same- he says I should take a few days to think over everything, not communicate, & hell always be waiting for me to be ready to share lives- But as friends & I'm curious to know how he expects us to stay close if he'd going to have a family with someone else!!! What is so special about you that he has to choose to be disowned by his family? In what ways are you different from some other woman for him to make such a huge sacrifice?? Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 23, 2013 Author Share Posted June 23, 2013 At work, I'm literally like the equivalent of A list star in movie industry- but in business & something he admires & values so much. I'm also a model. He also calls me the biggest hearted person whom everyone just adores as soon as they meet me. According to him- I don't think that's so true. But it seems like he idealizes me & that's why he called me the love of his life "always" Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 At work, I'm literally like the equivalent of A list star in movie industry- but in business & something he admires & values so much. I'm also a model. He also calls me the biggest hearted person whom everyone just adores as soon as they meet me. According to him- I don't think that's so true. But it seems like he idealizes me & that's why he called me the love of his life "always" Wow. You sound awesome. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 At work, I'm literally like the equivalent of A list star in movie industry- but in business & something he admires & values so much. I'm also a model. He also calls me the biggest hearted person whom everyone just adores as soon as they meet me. According to him- I don't think that's so true. But it seems like he idealizes me & that's why he called me the love of his life "always" May I ask what is your job? I am not able to understand "equivalent of A list star in movie industry". What does that mean? and when you say you are a model do you mean you are like a fashion model? Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 23, 2013 Author Share Posted June 23, 2013 I don't think the details matter. Wouldn't make sense to anyone not in corporate world anyhow. But the basic idea is same Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 ok at this point what are your expecting from us? so many responses have been provided already. is there anything else you want to know? Link to comment
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