abitbroken Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 I kept talking to him but it was still his choice to declare he Could/ would do that kind of stuff But you kept talking to him and by doing so, you are encouraging him. You are basically saying that you accept the arrangement you have with him. You are fine with being strung or being "friends." If you weren't okay with that, you would have drawn a line in the sand. Either he calls you up and sets up a meeting to meet his parents or he is not allowed to communicate with you...and be prepared for him never calling to set that up. Or by slim sheer miracle he might, but he will NEVER EVER EVER so long as he doesn't have to choose. He just peppers his convos with this other stuff because he is in a fantasy land or knows you want to hear it. So wake up and stop accepting the sweet talk and get the relationship you want even if it is NOT WITH HIM BUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE DOWN THE ROAD. You have wasted more time together talking about "maybe introducing you" than you have in an actual dating relationship. it is okay to have standards and not just follow after a guy!! Link to comment
penelope13 Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 stop believing him and comparing him to other Indian guys. It's true some guys decided to go against tradition and introduce someone of a different culture to their family. - But your guy does not ACT like that is what his plan is even though he sometimes says those words. I have somewhat traditional parents in context of our cultural background and sometimes I dated someone where I was sure my parents would have trouble with. If you are serious about this person you may want to chose the right moment to tell your family - however in the meantime, you would be busy strategizing and plotting with this person how to make the introduction easier, you would explain to them in details what issues you may foresee etc. You wouldn't put your head in the sand and say "oh well, it's going to be difficult let's not talk about it for a few years". your guy is doing nothing to convince anyone here (except you) that he ever has the intention to make you his official wife. something else to consider: his concept and ideas of what marriage entails are probably quite different than what you hope and wish for in a marriage (that's what abitbroken tried to explain to you). so while you are approaching and interpreting everything he says and does from YOUR point of view and your cultural background, he clearly shows that things have a different meaning for him. You keep quoting all the sweet nothings he may have said to you at some point (even for a guy from western background everyone would tell you to be careful if those words are not backed up by actions) as if they are proof of his emotional connection, i.e. his love for you. While in the western tradition one is expected to marry the person you love most - that is NOT the necessary conclusion within HIS culture. There is no logical link necessarily that a guy will marry the person he most loves - but he will marry the one who his family considers most suitable if he goes through an arranged marriage. dating someone from a different cultural background requires A LOT more communication than within your own culture if you want to make it work long term. He is showing NO signs that his intentions with you are long term and that he is willing to put in the hard work to make it work with you. Please start taking care of yourself and looking out for yourself. This guy will never shut the door on you - YOU have to be the one to walk away. But he is also not able to give you what you ultimately want Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Share Posted June 20, 2013 I can't believe I'm in a situation where the person I love more than anyone loves me too, but wants me to stand around and watch while he marries someone else. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 If you don't want to be in such a situation ... walk away from it. start NC and never look back Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Share Posted June 20, 2013 No the situation I want is for him to realize what he's already been on the brink of realizing. That he can't go thru with marrying someone else and hurting me the whole rest of his life when he's in love with me Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 Yes he can and he will. You have your head in the sand if you think that "true love" is going to win this one. It is his culture. It is his family. And you can be the "other woman" but you will never be his wife. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 No the situation I want is for him to realize what he's already been on the brink of realizing. That he can't go thru with marrying someone else and hurting me the whole rest of his life when he's in love with me He will not be hurting you the whole rest of his life. You will move on, eventually not feel the same way about him and even go for weeks without even a passing thought about him. And he will become more invested in his wife and family. I think because you are his first sexual experience and I don't know if he is yours or not - but there is a physical attachment that might keep him wanting to be around you for a time - but it is not enough to go against his family. That is where maybe the magnet is coming from. You can't make someone "realize" something they don't believe. This is not a movie where the man is at the altar marrying a different woman - arranged marriage isn't about realizing you love one person over the other and then someone runs down the aisle and stops the wedding. It is about social compatibility and harmony, joining the right two families, and having kids. It can be romantic, but romance doesn't happen if it does until well into the marriage when the couple grows with eachother. Link to comment
Justnotsure Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 You do realize you keep saying, I don't want the situation that I'm in, I want the one that I want, right? There is what you want, and then there is reality. Until you reconcile the two, and that often in life, they are different, you are going to be very unhappy and confused. I know you won't respond to this because it doesn't include something about him that you can cling onto, and say "but he loves me" -- but, I'm hoping that eventually some of this will eventually make it through. Right now, you are making the very clear decision not to let it do so. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 learning112, you think you are in deep love with this guy and assume you cannot imagine a life without him in it. While you may have strong feelings you have to realize that there is another component in this that is causing all the drama. Knowingly or unknowingly this guy is doing the classic PUSH/PULL thing and it is driving you crazy. On the one hand he says you are the love of his life and on the other hand he says this relationship will not work and both of you should just be friends. Before you can process this he again does another variation of PUSH/PULL. He says he is depressed and cannot imagine a life without you and then turns around and asks you to go and date other men. I can go on and on from your posts. This whole PUSH/PULL can do a number on your mind and drive you crazy. I have been in a very similar situation and I can totally relate to it. It makes you wonder all the time and keeps you in a confused state. Just look at this thread and the previous one you had started. Hundreds of responses later you are still sitting there and wondering. That is what the PUSH/PULL thing will do to a person. Whether he realizes it or not he is actually being very cruel to you. As I advised earlier the best thing to do in these type of situations is to completely cut contact and walk away before further damage happens. There is no need to analyze and wonder why/what/how etc. CUT CONTACT AND WALK AWAY FROM THIS GUY. Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Share Posted June 20, 2013 This Is so true!!! Instead of drawing clear boundaries & saying "I'm moving on," he's like "we're closing a business deal right now but ill text you as soon as its over, I'm sorry I'm sorry..." He talks to me like we're in a relationship & brings up the 10 different aspects of my day that he's dying to hear about & totally overlooks the fact that he didn't make good on his word to tell his parents & avoids when I bring that fact up or ask why that changed... Link to comment
Justnotsure Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 Oh man, when you started off with "instead of drawing clear boundaries..." I thought you might actually see that you aren't doing that, but once again, externalizing. Question: Why should he draw boundaries, if you don't? Why is he held to higher standards? Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Share Posted June 20, 2013 Easy, because I'm not the one who wants boundaries- I love him and want a relationship and have felt quite happy at the times that he did as well. Link to comment
Justnotsure Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 Also, it sounds like most recently, he's told you he just wants to be friends. So his "word" whatever that means - is not being broken. Why MUST it be true that he means it when he says he wants to tell his parents, and MUST be false when he says he wants to be friends? Link to comment
Justnotsure Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 Well, at least that's honest. Problem is even in healthy relationships where both people are actually mutually agreeing to be there, it only works with boundaries. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 Closing a business deal? May I ask what exactly is his designation? People coming to USA from India are usually in the Engineering jobs, especially at age 25. This guy sounds different. Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Share Posted June 20, 2013 Also, it sounds like most recently, he's told you he just wants to be friends. So his "word" whatever that means - is not being broken. Why MUST it be true that he means it when he says he wants to tell his parents, and MUST be false when he says he wants to be friends? You're right. I have no good answer to that other than I want it to be... And my hunch when we are together and the way he talks to me even when we're "not together," is that he' s in love with me and really won't be able to proceed with marrying someone else & leaving me in the dust. You shuold've seen the way he nosed his way in at a bar when I was talking to a coworker who's clearly liked me for a while. LLittle things day in & day out. And like yesterday, saying "I'm sorry we're closing a deal I'll text you as soon as we're done, I'm sorry" just the way he talks to me like he cares so much. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 Easy, because I'm not the one who wants boundaries- you should want to have boundaries .. i.e. only a relationship under healthy conditions; not agreeing for breadcrumbs because you don't want to be single. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 he' s in love with me and really won't be able to proceed with marrying someone else & leaving me in the dust. Keep dreaming! Come back to this thread and re-read all the posts after you see him with his new Indian wife. I might be wrong but from your posts I am sensing that you might be an egoistic and arrogant person. You also seem to be in denial of reality and have lot of other issues like self-respect and self-esteem. As I said before, a normal woman especially an American woman, would have said 'buh bye' to this poor excuse of a man and walked out. You really seem to be an abnormal person, at least to me. Link to comment
Justnotsure Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 So, to cut to the chase - the title of this thread -- the resounding answer from every person who has replied is "no" your answer is "yes" And we've all been there - when everyone tells you to do one thing, but you do the opposite because you're in love and you understand it better than anyone. So, I think you should just make the choice to say that your answer is yes - no matter how many times he flip flops or doesn't follow through or whatever the case. Yes, to you, it's worth waiting for because true love will win out in the end. But you will learn nothing if you continue to see this all as external to you. By answering your own question "yes" - you have made a choice which you are responsible for, completely separate from the choices he makes. Good luck -- Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 So, to cut to the chase - the title of this thread -- the resounding answer from every person who has replied is "no" your answer is "yes" And we've all been there - when everyone tells you to do one thing, but you do the opposite because you're in love and you understand it better than anyone. So, I think you should just make the choice to say that your answer is yes - no matter how many times he flip flops or doesn't follow through or whatever the case. Yes, to you, it's worth waiting for because true love will win out in the end. But you will learn nothing if you continue to see this all as external to you. By answering your own question "yes" - you have made a choice which you are responsible for, completely separate from the choices he makes. Good luck -- Good post. Do you think its worth waiting for? NO Do you think its worth waiting for? YES Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 21, 2013 Author Share Posted June 21, 2013 OK. Now he told me his own brother just got disowned for refusing to marry the girl his parents wanted. My ex's brother didn't even have another girl he was in love with, whereas my ex claims that I'm the "love of his life" and calls his parents crazy -- and yet HE can't do what his brother did and refuse, for my sake?!!! But my ex keeps begging me to go through sharing life with him as his best friend. He keeps telling me the only thing that will change is that we won't have a sexual relaitonship, but otherwise everything between us will remain exactly the same. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 OK. Now he told me his own brother just got disowned for refusing to marry the girl his parents wanted. My ex's brother didn't even have another girl he was in love with, whereas my ex claims that I'm the "love of his life" and calls his parents crazy -- and yet HE can't do what his brother did and refuse, for my sake?!!! But my ex keeps begging me to go through sharing life with him as his best friend. He keeps telling me the only thing that will change is that we won't have a sexual relaitonship, but otherwise everything between us will remain exactly the same. Why are you still talking to him? Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 21, 2013 Author Share Posted June 21, 2013 Did I say I responded? LOL. If I ever do, it might be something like "I'm sorry that's your definition of love, but it's not mine. I'm not going to stand around and be second best to your wife, when you could've done what your brother did, and stood up for the person you claimed you wanetd." He is not freaking helpless. His own brother said no to his parents! He calls his own parents crazy! And yet this is what he has to do for them? I'd walk away. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 Did I say I responded? LOL. If I ever do, it might be something like "I'm sorry that's your definition of love, but it's not mine. I'm not going to stand around and be second best to your wife, when you could've done what your brother did, and stood up for the person you claimed you wanetd." He is not freaking helpless. His own brother said no to his parents! He calls his own parents crazy! And yet this is what he has to do for them? I'd walk away. As I had mentioned before I know lot of Indian men that stood up for their women. Some women were American/European and some were Indian but different Religion/Caste. Some parents accepted but others did not. But that did not change what the guys did. They still got married to their women. There were some other friends that buckled to their parents' threats and got an Arranged Marriage. BUT in all the cases the guys told their parents about the women. This guy does not even have the guts to tell them. That's why I have such poor opinion about him. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 21, 2013 Share Posted June 21, 2013 Just being curious - what do you mean by "Did I say I responded"? So he emails you? and now you have the choice to not respond? Because in one of your previous posts you said he texted you. What exactly is it? Link to comment
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