Do you think this is worth waiting for?

[abitbroken]

The other things he was telling me were: after we broke up he could not stop being in my life because he was so in love with me. Wanted to try a long distance relationshi even 2 weeks ago (until everything blew up in his face with work stress). Now wouldn't miss my bday for the world. Says has no intention of dating anyone else and I'm love of hsi life.

 

My friends honestly think he may love me enough for this all to work. Even the friend who's cynical after getting burned in a similar situation.

 

Yes, he might not DATE anyone else, but is he really dating you?? He is hiding you. And does dating mean possibly leading to marriage? Dating is dating - he can still date around secretly from his folks all he wants and then have an arranged marriage. Until he stands up and decides he doesn't want an arranged marriage and tells his folks that, then all you are doing is just passing time with him. Also, after he decides that wait for the dust to settle because he may cave because of their opinions or dissapproval.

 

As I said before, just because someone lloves you does not make them want to marry you or be the right one for life for you. So don't mistake the birthday party as anything more than a breadcrumb unless he is willing to change his mind about arranged marriage.

 

Right now he is someone who is unavailable to you.

[Jennifer89]

Those were my thoughts as well, I knew this story looked familiar.

 

I'm sorry, but your holding on to a relationship that has very little chance of ever working, you need to let him go and move on with your life. There are many great guys out there who have the potential of loving you, but you will never know until you go out there and give them a chance. I know it's not easy, but you really need to move on to something new.

[learning112]

So don't mistake the birthday party as anything more than a breadcrumb unless he is willing to change his mind about arranged marriage.

 

That makes sense. I just dont want to push when I know his stress in his career life is at a breaking point. To me it's almost like pushing someone to commit and stand up to their family when they have a life threatening illness. I'd love to know if it is actually meaningful for him to come to my birthday but i guess i will just have to wait the 2 weeks and see.

[Jennifer89]

Can a moderator close this thread? What is the point? OP is not interested in advice.

 

Also agreed, I do feel bad for this girl and her situation, but this is already a repeat of a thread posted by the same girl.

 

The truth is that yes, your situation is an extreme and it sucks, but it is the same situation people around the world face every day, there are tons of people in america who don't date outside there race and religion because of there family, and at some point they either decide to marry in there race/religion, stay single, hide a relationship from everyone or say screw it and be disowned by the family. If he wanted you, this situation would have been resolved already and you'd be together.

[abitbroken]

That makes sense. I just dont want to push when I know his stress in his career life is at a breaking point. To me it's almost like pushing someone to commit and stand up to their family when they have a life threatening illness. I'd love to know if it is actually meaningful for him to come to my birthday but i guess i will just have to wait the 2 weeks and see.

 

Its not pushing to stand up for yourself and to have boundaries. All you have to do - which you did but you need to stick with it - is to state your case - tell him that you would love to date him, but not until he is ready to introduce you to family and friends to make it official. When he decides to do that and decides that he CAN have a public relationship with you, then he can call you then. There is no "stress" that you are giving him by stating that and then giving him space.

That means telling him you are not answering his calls as well. It doesn't involve constantly pushing. Just say it calmly.

And if he calls you either don't answer, or keep it brief and if he talks sweet nothings tell him 'that's nice, but I have to run. Call me back only when you have decided we can have a public relationship because that is what i want. bye."

 

Okay - every person here has had a career in transition or a stressful time. They don't drop out of their family or relationships that they have. Because then what happens when they marry and someone dies, etc. Do they leave their wife because they are stressed about it?

 

I understand the idea of not dating anyone to get your act together, but if he was doing that, he would have stopped contact, stopped stringing you along and focused on getting his act together. He wouldn't be going to the birthday, etc, etc, and doing things that seem to you like he COULD be thinking about being "official." It is like another thread here where the girl is complainiing that the guy doesn't want to be exclusive EVEN after they have slept together (a friend of the girl is the poster), but on the other hand, the girl is showing him that she will take all of his phone calls, etc, and be available so he doesn't need to commit to her. She isn't even his girlfriend. Don't be that girl.

 

I was with a man who always had some disaster going on. It was never the right time. His family was driving him nuts. He was waiting for a contract with this one client. he was waiting for the grass to grow. he was waiting til he felt more confident. He was waiting for a settlement for when he slipped on the ice that could take years. Don't do that to yourself.

 

Decide what you want - not from him - but a relationship in general - and if he can't give that - don't be on a string.

[learning112]

The only problem is that I genuinely feel his reasons for not being together right now are super legit. I said he had the disastrous mistakes at work... Well, the day those happened, that morning, I had been on his case while he was at work about long-distance issues. He never implied this, but I wondered if I was one reason for the mistakes, the added stress of a relationship as "one more thing he could fail at."

 

Like you said, it's just frustrating because he voluntarily wants to do things like my bday w/close friends & family. I never feel like he's trying to move towards fading out of my life, quite the opposite. No matter how hard things are

[penelope13]

If he can't handle a relationship in its early stages and maintaining his work performance - he is NOT long term relationship or marriage material.

 

And as many people tried to explain to you: it's not in his interest to fade out of your life since you are accepting at the same time that he is not making any long term commitments nor are you insisting in being introduced officially to HIS friends and family. He has NO incentive to cut cords with you.

[learning112]

If he can't handle a relationship in its early stages and maintaining his work performance - he is NOT long term relationship or marriage material.

 

And as many people tried to explain to you: it's not in his interest to fade out of your life since you are accepting at the same time that he is not making any long term commitments nor are you insisting in being introduced officially to HIS friends and family. He has NO incentive to cut cords with you.

 

1) He's never ever had a relationship though. Learning

2) I was interpreting it as, I fully believe (honestly) this would be very wrong timing for us getting serious or talking to his family, based on the fact that we're adjusting to being long distance and he's got so much on his plate/problems/stress at work for 3 months. But in the meantime he does not want to lose contact, or "lose" me.

[calichick007]

So wait. Wait forever.

[penelope13]

You know what: whatever we say, you are going to believe what you want to believe. So own it. And be prepared for the potential of getting seriously hurt and maybe missing out on some great guy who would be willing to start sharing his life with you now.

[Justnotsure]

Yes, I think people are upset at the lack of ownership - that's why the frustration. You are looking at him as having all of the keys to the castle and yourself as just a paun. Accept your role and the actions that you're taking -- and if it doesn't work out, remind yourself that your eyes were open, and that you always have choices in life.

[abitbroken]

1) He's never ever had a relationship though. Learning

2) I was interpreting it as, I fully believe (honestly) this would be very wrong timing for us getting serious or talking to his family, based on the fact that we're adjusting to being long distance and he's got so much on his plate/problems/stress at work for 3 months. But in the meantime he does not want to lose contact, or "lose" me.

 

I would be totally with you if you were dating for 3 years and decided its not good timing to think about getting married or you had some sort of medical scare and its bad timing to think about kids. But you guys are not even "dating." You are a secret to his family.

 

You are saying that you can't get serious without meeting his folks and then you are defending him by saying its a bad time to get serious.

 

If you want someone to date and have a relationship - HE is not ready to do such a thing. Your needs dictate that you should go out and date and have a good time. If at some point - week - month or year, he gets his act together - then you can consider being with him. But don't sit and wait.

 

Who we are in a relationship with depends A LOT on timing. I fell hard for a guy on a trip once but we lived in different countries and he wasn't coming to the US for 5 years. Bad timing. NEXT. A guy I was introduced to was just out of a relationship. bad timing NEXT. another guy that i met before my boyfriend was a bit younger than me and didn't see himself settling down for another 10 years. Well, i didn't want to wait another 10 years. So i looked for someone else. These are just EXAMPLES, not meant to be picked apart.

 

But right now, this guy doesn't want to date badly enough to tell his parents about it or to actually date anyone. When and id he is ready he will, but he isn't.

 

To date you, he has said he has to be serious about you to intro you to parents, and then youa re saying you don't want to be serious yet about marriage/kids. So it looks like its a catch 22.

[learning112]

If at some point - week - month or year, he gets his act together - then you can consider being with him. But don't sit and wait.

i thought about this.

 

We were out Wednesday night with mutual friends & I decided to focus my attention on this other cute guy who's always liked me -- I was talking, not obnoxiously flirting, but we were standing close just the 2 of us. Well as soon as my ex arrived, he walkd over to interrupt us and "block" things -- and actually got the other guy to duck out pretty quickly! Not by being aggressive or a jerk, but just by showing his clear interest in me. My other friends saw the whole thing and said it was very obvious. Something tells me he doesn't actually want me dating other people... Not that that "should" stop me.

[Justnotsure]

Until you can connect somewhere in your brain that his "signs" of interest are not a full-on love declaration because life is NOT black and white, you will continue to take these small gestures of him not being repulsed by you or pushing you away, as proof that you're going to live happily ever after. I think you see the entire thing as romantic when all it is clearly a selfish ego-stroke for him. People who are dying to be with you because you are the love of your life, DO NOT let you go, for any reason!

 

Maybe he knows you'll still be there waiting, pushing cute guys away.

[penelope13]

That's just "I don't want you, but I don't want any other guy to have you either" BS

[SilverFactory]

Like other people have mentioned you are mistaking his simple gestures to mean more. It really does not matter if he wants to come to your birthday party (did you invite him?) or interrupts your conversation with the other guy. He still is not going to tell his parents about you and there is no chance he is going to get married to you. I don't understand why you refuse to accept this. I am from the same country and same culture as your ex. If he is saying and doing the things you have mentioned I can guarantee that you don't have a future with him. The Indian guys that got married to their American/European girlfriends did NOT behave like this guy. Please trust me on this.

[abitbroken]

i thought about this.

 

We were out Wednesday night with mutual friends & I decided to focus my attention on this other cute guy who's always liked me -- I was talking, not obnoxiously flirting, but we were standing close just the 2 of us. Well as soon as my ex arrived, he walkd over to interrupt us and "block" things -- and actually got the other guy to duck out pretty quickly! Not by being aggressive or a jerk, but just by showing his clear interest in me. My other friends saw the whole thing and said it was very obvious. Something tells me he doesn't actually want me dating other people... Not that that "should" stop me.

 

So, basically you are still seeing him?

 

If he is too stressed for a relationship, then you have GOT to stop hanging out with him. You are basically showing him that you will hang out with him in any case. This guy has no motivation to do anything differently. You cannot draw a boundary line and say you won't be involved with him UNLESS A B and C, and then instead of not dealing with him until he gets his act together, you are telling him that your standards and rules mean nothing.

 

Flirting in front of him while talking on the phone with him about caring for him and wanting to meet the folks is playing games. Flirt with guys on your own without him and stop accepting crumbs from him

[learning112]

You all are right. He started making more comments about why our relationship can't survive long term because it's impractical -- his family and long distance. I reminded him that I was (2 years later) going to eventually move for him, since his career wouldn't permit it at that point & mine would. I told him that when dating me, he had it all -- but instead he's choosing nothing, and I have nothing more to say about that. And I don't. The end.

 

I'm tired of him saying "I messed things up by saying I wanted a relationship again, because when I'm with yuo I just focus upon how right it feels and how much I do want to be with you -- I'm not thinking then. But now I'm thinking, and things are too impractical and hopefully we can go back to normal very soon & just be very close friends."

 

LIKE THAT's NORMAL? NO THANK YOU. I'm not being strung along again.

 

Meanwhile he mailed me a bday present (odd that he didn't just give it to me in person while I was home this past weekend)... but Oh well.

[ballerinababe]

Mailing the present rather than showing up in person is the final nail in the coffin.

 

Are you planning to go NC and delete his number, etc?

[learning112]

Mailing the present rather than showing up in person is the final nail in the coffin.

 

Oh, he did show up in person to my birthday. But all along (for weeks) had planned on mailing the gift. Maybe so he could hide from our friends that he got me a gift? (He brought a guy friend to my bday even though that friend was uninvited by me... and when I hung out w/them both the night before at a bar, he never mentioned comign then. ***.)

[ballerinababe]

Wow, I would be so put off by his behavior. Yeah, it seems he wanted to hide the fact that he got you a gift! And then showed up with a friend as a sort of "buffer." What a jerk!

 

So what's your plan of action? Where did you leave things with him? I hope you really move on this time and take the sage advice people have been offering you for the 25 pages of this thread (which I've been following silently).

[learning112]

Thanks for speaking up Yes, moving on & dating others this week. Where I left it with him was saying: "If you really love someone, you make sacrifices. And actually, I told you how I would've moved for you, etc. It wouldn't have been that impossible for us to be together. You had it all when we were dating -- but now you're choosing nothing. And I have nothing further to say about that."

 

I felt much better afterward.

[SilverFactory]

In the end he showed who he was really!

 

I hope you have at least now understood what we were saying all along.

 

Do you plan to stop talking to him or be friends with him? I would recommend stop talking to this guy completely.

[learning112]

Do you plan to stop talking to him or be friends with him? I would recommend stop talking to this guy completely.

 

Stop completely. I'm actually angry because he said, "I messed things up by saying I wanted a relationship again, because when I'm with you I just focus upon how right it feels and how much I do want to be with you. But now I'm thinking, and things are too impractical and hopefully we can go back to normal very soon & just be very close friends." WHY is that "normal"??

 

He just assumes he can demote me to the role of "friend" and still get everything he wants from me emotionally -- ego stroking, career support -- and also can avoid the guilt of abandoning me completely. (I wonder if that's part of it.)

[SilverFactory]

Stop completely. I'm actually angry because he said, "I messed things up by saying I wanted a relationship again, because when I'm with you I just focus upon how right it feels and how much I do want to be with you. But now I'm thinking, and things are too impractical and hopefully we can go back to normal very soon & just be very close friends." WHY is that "normal"??

 

He just assumes he can demote me to the role of "friend" and still get everything he wants from me emotionally -- ego stroking, career support -- and also can avoid the guilt of abandoning me completely. (I wonder if that's part of it.)

 

Good. Stop talking to him completely and don't give him anything anymore.

 

I do feel sorry for you that it ended this way but I can guarantee that you have saved so much of heartache by cutting contact with this guy now rather than later. He would have never married you...

 

We never know what his parents might have said IF this guy told them about you or introduced you to them. He didn't even have that much courage.. spineless guy. So much for "you are the love of my life". Next time when some one says that to you make sure their actions match with their words.