abitbroken Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 I appreciate your post but we are on the same wavelength in every other way... I can understand needing to keep things quiet from family until he is sure the relationship is a sacrifice worth making, because I have multiple Indian friends in real life who have done it that way honestly. Last time apparently he had to get back together bc he got so depressed as soon as I was too mad to talk to him for a few days. How do I work that to my advantage this time? You are not on the same wavelength. If you were, you would be openly dating. And you have NEVER ever answered this question of mine - do you agree on matters of faith, the God you believe in, if you want children, and how would you raise them - and would he want to move back to India? Or will he and can he stay long term? What role will Indian parents play in a marriage? Is he willing to wait the five years you say you will be ready to marry in (and if you say you want to get married in 5 years - well are you going to wait THAT long to meet his family??) If you cannot answer all those questions, then this guy is not on your wavelength because you refuse to talk about it and if you are NOT on the same page reasonably enough with this stuff, it is not worth wasting your time with someone. Waiting for an apple to fall on your head will be moot. Just pining for someone - having experienced their body and having butterflies is not "on the same wavelength" enough to wait around for. Sorry - but you are really torturing yourself with this guy when you should be out doing other things and meeting other people. if he comes around someday - you'll either be available or not or will want to try again or not - but you need to move on if you want to heal. You need to stop leaving him with all the cards. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 Last time apparently he had to get back together bc he got so depressed as soon as I was too mad to talk to him for a few days. How do I work that to my advantage this time? You can't. He might be bummed not talking to you, but he is not sad enough to actually do something about it. So he talks to you, he gets over it, and he goes on for a few more weeks knowing you are on string. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 I have multiple Indian friends in real life who have done it that way honestly. I strongly disagree! I am an Indian guy and all my friends from India that were involved with American/European women did NOT hide their girlfriends the way this guy is doing. Please dont generalize and paint us all with the same brush. Just because your boyfriend is this way doesn't mean we are all the same. Some of us have backbones! You keep thinking he will eventually introduce you to his parents but he will not. This is a guy that has kept you hidden from day one. He will NEVER tell his parents about you and he will NEVER marry you. Link to comment
calichick007 Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 Call him and cry and beg. That's the only option you have left, and something tells me you've already exercised it. Link to comment
calichick007 Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 I appreciate your post but we are on the same wavelength in every other way You want to be in a relationship with him. He does not want to be in one with you. That is THE most important factor... other things you may have in common are wholly irrelevant. Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Share Posted June 20, 2013 Heck no. Usually the way it works at this point is I ignore him, he tries multiple times to talk to me, comes and finds me in person too. Link to comment
calichick007 Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 Sounds like the foundation for a mature and healthy relationship. Link to comment
mhowe Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 So what? He will talk and beg..but he will not go against his upbringing. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 Heck no. Usually the way it works at this point is I ignore him, he tries multiple times to talk to me, comes and finds me in person too. How are you guys so long distance if he can show up in person?? Also, the problem is that he has you on a string. Cut him out completely, and don't allow him to just show up unless he is ready to invite you to meet his parents THAT WEEK. If not, then show him the door. Leave where he has found you or if he comes to your place, escort him out. BTW, if he is "finding" you by showing up different places that is a little stalkerish. Just "showing up" would mean something if he came to tell you that he is ready to have a real relationship. he is not. But we have talked about this til we are blue in the face. You are allowing this behavior by allowing it. Link to comment
strange_ Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 I think she just wants people to end up rooting for her, so whatever we say wouldn't change her mind... Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 what do you really want...and want from us? edit: crossposted with you, but in the several minutes in between me hitting send, i took a walk Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 How are you guys so long distance if he can show up in person?? He does not keep showing up again and again. He showed up just once! The OP just keeps repeating it over and over again giving the impression that he is running after her and finds her some how. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 Call him and cry and beg. That's the only option you have left, and something tells me you've already exercised it. Good idea! and I also think she must have already done it. learning112, can you answer this question - why do you want to be in a relationship with a guy: a) that does not change his 'single's status to 'in a relationship with learning112' in FB? b) that de-tags photos of you together and deletes comments indicating that you are together? c) that does not have the courage to give you a birthday gift in front of other people and instead mails it to you secretly? d) that does not have the courage to even tell his parents about you? Link to comment
calichick007 Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 Good idea! and I also think she must have already done it. No doubt. OP has spent almost 40 pages pleading with complete strangers to see that they are destined to be together, so I *KNOW* she has pleaded with him. Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Share Posted June 20, 2013 Why is he telling me again that he's constantly depressed without me and desperate for me to be his friend- & he doesn't understand why I'm not ok w just that, because he sees it as "just as good" as us being more than friends / getting married?! Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 Why is he telling me again that he's constantly depressed without me and desperate for me to be his friend- & he doesn't understand why I'm not ok w just that, because he sees it as "just as good" as us being more than friends / getting married?! Because you hang on those words. That is why. it keeps you talking to him. That is why he said it. Okay - he has made you an offer. He wants you to be his good friend. If that is okay with you, then proceed AS A FRIEND AND NOTHING MORE. But if its not...leave completely...got it?? You have been told by several Indian men here that he is going to go through an arranged marriage. For folks who are fans of arranged marriage, love does not lead to marriage. So if he loved you or wanted you to stick around, it doesn't mean he thinks that means he should, can, or will marry you. You can care for someone, but caring doesn't end up in marriage. It ends up in friendship. or an occasional roll in the hay until the marriage. People in arranged marriages can fall in love with their spouse after the fact out of choice. But they don't love someone first. It is totally different than what you would naturally think to do. They marry someone who is very compatible as far as faith, as far as family background, etc, and economic background, and ethnic background and the parents have respect for the other set of parents - to make the odds of a compatible marriage stronger. Some parts of Indian culture revolve around it. He is from a completely different culture than you and is it is enmeshed in him. You say you are sooo compatible but you are fundamentally incompatible from what you are saying here. I know its hard to get past all the romantic stuff but he has proven time and time again that he wants you to be a "special friend" and is confused at why you think marriage is more and eventual. To him, friendship is just as good. So - saying that he is depressed without you - well then let him be depressed because its not good for you to be with him. HE WILL get over it eventually if you stop kowtowing to him and catering to him. He will move on. Or, if you choose the alternative and to decide just to stay by him YOU will be depressed. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 Why is he telling me again that he's constantly depressed without me and desperate for me to be his friend- & he doesn't understand why I'm not ok w just that, because he sees it as "just as good" as us being more than friends / getting married?! Because he needs some one until he gets married to an Indian woman. Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 Okay - he has made you an offer. He wants you to be his good friend. If that is okay with you, then proceed AS A FRIEND AND NOTHING MORE. NO. I do not agree with this advice. Please do not be friends with this guy. Trust me it is not good for you. It will be very painful to just be friends with him and it will break your heart when he introduces his Indian wife to you 'this is my good friend learning112'. Plus you will never be able to move on with your life if you stay as friends with this guy. He has everything to benefit from this arrangement while you have none. Honestly, why do you care if he is depressed? does HE care how much torture YOU are going through? he does not! If he did he would have at least told his parents about you. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 NO. I do not agree with this advice. Please do not be friends with this guy. Trust me it is not good for you. It will be very painful to just be friends with him and it will break your heart when he introduces his Indian wife to you 'this is my good friend learning112'. Plus you will never be able to move on with your life if you stay as friends with this guy. He has everything to benefit from this arrangement while you have none. Honestly, why do you care if he is depressed? does HE care how much torture YOU are going through? he does not! If he did he would have at least told his parents about you. Oh, I totally agree with you. I would not be friends with this guy. What I meant is if that is what she TRULY wants and doesn't want more, than have at it. Knock yourselves out. But I know that is not what she wants for real. Because if she REALLY jist wanted to be friends, she wouldn't be here agonizing over him like this. She would not want anything more. Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Share Posted June 20, 2013 I'm fascinated that he can literally say he sees being friends as "just as good." And you're right, if he truly cared for me/ loved me/ wanted me then why would he not be willing to do anything for me Including try to tell his parents? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 I'm fascinated that he can literally say he sees being friends as "just as good." And you're right, if he truly cared for me/ loved me/ wanted me then why would he not be willing to do anything for me Including try to tell his parents? You don't understand, apparently. He feels if he truly cares about you, he would want to be your friend. He cannot offer you marriage. Did you read anything I said about love not leading to marriage in Indian culture if the family is promoting arranged marriage? Its not even about 'if he loved me, he'd give it up". Giving up his cultural identity and family is not even on the table for him as negotiable. I know its hard to understand. But he can't "give up" for someone that is not on the table to give up. Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Share Posted June 20, 2013 Not on the table? Then why did he start dating me in first place... Break up w me once because of this... Then after months of thinking, tell me he wants a relationship again & keep talking for weeks about how he IS going to tell his family? Link to comment
SilverFactory Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 Not on the table? Then why did he start dating me in first place... Break up w me once because of this... Then after months of thinking, tell me he wants a relationship again & keep talking for weeks about how he IS going to tell his family? Because you keep talking to him despite being advised not to by so many people. He cannot play if you don't allow him. Look, its not too late now. You knew him for just 6 months. Cut your losses and move on with your life. Initiate No Contact with this guy and never talk to him again! Link to comment
abitbroken Posted June 20, 2013 Share Posted June 20, 2013 Not on the table? Then why did he start dating me in first place... Break up w me once because of this... Then after months of thinking, tell me he wants a relationship again & keep talking for weeks about how he IS going to tell his family? You have to stop making yourself crazy. He started dating you because he probably liked you. But dating in India if he would have even dated is not about leading to marriage. People don't "date" like westerners for the most part in most circles. Enjoying someone's company doesn't mean you are going to get married. He then probably realized that here, dating leads to marriage and things are different. Or it just freaked him out that it wasn't just about "dating" and that he would be expected to choose rather than you being content with just dating. But he never really dated you if its a secret! And you know what - he is always GOING to introduce you but never DOES. That says something doesn't it?? Until he actually does - everything means nothing. Do you understand at all that the main concept is that sticking with the tradition is really important to him. IF and when he tells his parents and is ready to introduce you - go from there. But until then, you have to write him off because all he wants to do is say enough things to keep you on a string. Link to comment
learning112 Posted June 20, 2013 Author Share Posted June 20, 2013 I kept talking to him but it was still his choice to declare he Could/ would do that kind of stuff Link to comment
.thumb.jpeg.44db4c04df92b9d233296a0149430b4d.jpeg)
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.