Picking Myself Up Journal

[Silverbirch]

Stayed over at D's place the last 2 nights though I wasn't there much through the day. Got to play on the John Deere yesterday and it was fun! I'm home now and have plenty to do as usual. I don't think I will go to work today but I need to go back tomorrow. D was very easy to be around, fun and affectionate. His daughter came around yesterday and wanted to give me a horse riding lesson but I declined on this occasion. It was nice with the 3 of us there. Each of us did our own thing. I cooked dinner and then we all sat around. M, (D's daughter) gave us both a big hug and kiss before she left. I fell asleep on the sofa I was so relaxed. D tried encouraging me into bed - even made me a cup of tea - but I wouldn't budge until the early hours so he put a pillow under my head and a blanket over me.

 

My dog had such a good time but is filthy with mud and another one of the ponies needs some attention. I feel happy and calm today.

[Realitynut]

Dang girl...i think D was trying to coax (or encourage) you into bed for some snuggling!!! lol

 

You musta been relaxed!!!

 

I would have pestered Dan til he HAD to go to bed....lol...

[Silverbirch]

LOL Carla, I hopped into bed with him at around 5am and we snuggled up. He is so nice in the mornings!

[Silverbirch]

Going back to work today which is just as well. I've been very happy at home lazing and pottering about. I haven't been so motivated with housework, especially on the days which have been sunny. I only realised yesterday that I had gotten my days mixed up - thinking it was Monday when it was actually Tuesday. That was a bit of a blow.

 

I spoke to my mother on the phone last night. She seemed glad to hear from me although she is obviously very depressed. I did my best to reassure her that she will be okay and feeling better soon. I miss her a lot and wish I could be there.

 

I'm going to try and get down to the health food store before I go to work today. I need to also get a small coffee grinder for the Budpest diet so that I can grind flaxseed.

 

All my furries are doing well. I wish it wasn't so hard to have time to spend with D. He talks more and more about a day to come when we won't have to go home to our own places. I don't let onto him just how much I would like that.

 

Soon he will bring the John Deere here and I will prepare a small paddock where he will bring 2 of his gorgeous ponies which are laminitic - they have to spend most of their time with hardly any grass. They are both Shetlands, and the smallest, named Sinatra is a "painted" (white and brown) with blue eyes. The other one, Gracie is so sweet. I have taken both for walks on the road and love spending time with them too.

 

Anyway, back to the grind soon.

[Silverbirch]

Thank God that my stomach and digestion are feeling MUCH better. Last night, my stomach was very bloated - I looked a couple of months preggie and the discomfort had spread higher up in my back. I didn't finish work until late and then the hour trip home. I was beat. Thought I'd go to doc this morning. I think that the barley grass powder and also I took 2 charcoal tablets last night helped a LOT. I can't afford to get behind with money and my heart sank when I saw the guy came today to read our electricity meter which means a bill in around 10 days. These days too, I feel very resentful towards my housemate with regard to the electricity bill - for sure he exploits me. When I first moved in, he told me I would be paying one third. He has the heating, cooling, big television and fridge and all the flash appliances which he uses constantly, as well as his girlfriend often staying here half the week and the daughter stayed 7 months. So then he insists that I pay half the electricity bill. I got rid of my heater this winter as he made such a big thing of it. He's the one who has been divorced 3 times. He told me his daughter recently diagnosed with bipolar and I wondered if he had it himself. I nearly moved out last year, but so much trouble finding a place I could have my animals or afford. Things have been better with him though I try to just stay out of his way and had to bite the bulled with the electricity. Apparently, there had been around 4 other females before me who moved in, but they all only lasted a couple of months whereas I have been here two and a half years now. Anyway, try hard not to dwell on the negative because I really do love living here. Fortunately we work different hours so I don't so a lot of him, and stay in my part of the house anyway.

 

I'm working this afternoon until late tonight. I don't feel like going but it's probably what I really need right now. My sister rang last night while I was at work and put Mum on. Poor Darling doesn't sound so well, but I think she is trying hard. I was upset to hear that it appears her dentures got thrown out accidentally by hospital staff (she only had them a few weeks), and she is too unwell to attend the dental appointments required to replace them. She sounds very down and her voice is shakey.

 

Well, I'd better get moving. Still so much to do.

[Realitynut]

He is so nice in the mornings!

 

Yeah.....we know why you think he is soooooo nice in the mornings.....heheheheeeheeeeee

[Silverbirch]

LOL Carla, that's only part of the reason - he always makes me a cup of tea and breakfast . . . and he keeps me warm :strawberry: He rang me tonight while I was at work and told me he was missing me and wanted to know if I was missing him. I thought W H A T!!! It's only 2 days since I saw him, and yes, I am missing him, but I never thought he would miss me after 2 days. I couldn't help myself and told him that I'll bet he wouldn't have imagined himself saying that a year ago. He said: "Well, everything with me just takes time." LOL!

 

Hopefully, I have another work assignment - I've got work all weekend - then I'll just crash and have a break on Monday. This pay fortnight finishes Sunday night so I need to get in as many hours as I can to make up for the week I was off work.

 

Anyway, had a good day. Played a bit with the ponies. The oldest mare is extremely affectionate atm - more than she has ever been. Had a goo night at work tool

 

Hope you had a good day too Carla. XXX

[Silverbirch]

I decided not to register for work yesterday as I didn't feel great in the morning. I went to see my GP, and it's looking as though I have either fibroids or a recurrence of endometriosis which I had many years ago. This would explain the bowel symptoms and discomfort in my back and some other places. I have an ultrasound on Friday 2.11 which will give a clearer picture. Apparently, something did show up on my CT IVP scan - beside my uterus. Well, I just hope if there is something there, I won't have to wait too long to get it removed and that I won't need too much time off work.

 

Speaking of which, I'm going to have to get my @ss moving again soon. D rang me middle of day again yesterday and I was supposed ot call him last night but fell asleep. He told me he is missing me lots. LOL! I will probably go stay with him Sunday or Monday night.

[Silverbirch]

I became very, very angry today at work. I didn't show it outwardly, but in my head there was rage. I'm feeling tired and fed up and not going to work tomorrow. I go to see Michael, the psychologist who I am getting help from in managing my anxiety.

 

I basically had felt like my co-worker and I have been getting the water drip treatment from this moron woman who is so petty and bullying. There is a real culture of that within this organisation. Michael says he believes I need the confidence to get out of that organisation. He knew some things about that organisation I didn't which he told me about. What he told me doesn't surprise me though. It was basically about corrupt management and allegations of fraud and embezzlement. I did know that there are individuals who have called for a Royal Commission to investigate the organisation I work for.

 

I told Michael that I felt I had given up on other aspirations for employment because I felt that with the cancer diagnosis, I would fail medical examination requirements to work for the type of orgnaisations, particularly government which I had previously considered. I have formal qualifications to work in a number of areas, but it is my confidence which is lacking and I'm in a rut.

 

D rang me before and we talked for a while about a number of things. I told him about my negative thoughts and that I'm tired and that I think I should be in my own space and not pass my negativity onto anyone else tonight (he would have liked me to go to his place and stay over). Instead, I'm planning to see him tomorrow and will likely stay the night too. I've bought ingredients to cook Eggplant Parmiagiana and if I'm in the mood, I will make some artichoke heart patties as well. My Sicilian grandmother used to make them. She taught my mother and my mother taught me, and I've added a few of my own ingredients to put my own spin on them - mostly canelini beans and pine nuts.

 

Now I just need to cleanse my thoughts and emotions.

[Silverbirch]

It's a perfect sunny day here today. It's around 11.30am and I'm dressed up in a very casual way, waiting for my son and David to take me to lunch for my birthday which was a couple of days ago. I chose to just go to the nearest village for lunch rather than out for dinner. It's my favourite place to go out to eat and we might do a hop along of a few different places.

 

I'm wearing a new violet colored peasant style summer dress with leggings and Indian sandals. I've even painted my toenails, plenty of gold bangles and bling and made my hair curly for a change. It feels good. I feel all summery and relaxed. I've put some batteries in my camera so hopefully I will get at least a few nice shots.

 

David is riding his Harley over and I'm glad he's getting a chance to do something he really enjoys.

 

Had a big day in paradise at work yesterday. So good not to be working today. I have several good books I'm looking forward to reading. This has been a good birthday. I had so many messages from different people that I haven't even managed to catch up with them all yet.

 

I had my ultrasound scan at the hospital on Friday which I'm pleased to say hasn't shown anything abnormal. It's been a surprise to a lot of the doctors that I'm still menstruating and that might be the reason why they though my uterus looked a bit bulky on the CT scan - so I'm told. Well, just have to take it as it comes and wait to see the surgeons again on the 8th.

 

I feel good!

[journeynow]

Hey, Happy Belated Birthday, Silverbirch! And glad your scan looked good. Happy celebrating!

[Silverbirch]

Hi and Thanks JN. Took some photos which I tried to upload but for some reason can't upload any of them onto my computer. This sounds like a job I need my son for! LOL! I just had the loveliest day I can remember for such a long time. We went down to the village and had lunch at a very nice place. Then we went to this local bookstore which sells new and second-hand books and you can buy coffee and cake there which we did. My son bought me 2 books which interested me which are on healing one on natural and home remedies for various ailments and the other on healing through touch and meditation.

 

Then we came back here to my place. After my son went home, David and I messed around with the ponies. At one point, he asked me what I was laughing at and I realised I was just so happy that I was smiling noisily. David and I just got off the phone with each other and the subject of cycling came up - something we both used to enjoy doing years ago. He suggested we try it together - there are some great trails. He still has his bike but I don't and he's going to help me find another one. I feel so happy right now.

 

I hope all is well with you JN and so glad you managed okay through all of that bad weather. Hugs.

[Silverbirch]

These last 2 weeks have mostly been about work and doctors, and it seems I haven't been to my dance class for ages and ages. I've been so tired when I get home from work, I mostly crash. I took too many shifts too close together due to some cancellations and ended up having a full day at work last Thursday with a very late finish the night before. With all the travel I have to do, I had way too little sleep. Then with a full weekend at work, I just crashed today. I did get up and go see the psychologist and that has been helpful, and I did some shopping but had to come back to bed to sleep a while. I'm not getting enough exercise and feeling bloated.

 

There's still lots of continued drama at work. A lot of people there quite depressed. I wish I didn't have to go there.