Picking Myself Up Journal

[Silverbirch]

I must stay positive and disciplined. Yesterday I had my cancer scan which didn't go as well as we had hoped. I'm going back in for more surgery and this time, I'm going to have a single dose of Mitomycin Chemotherapy and see how it goes. I'm a little numb - no pain and feel okay - bit disappointed and daunted by the road ahead of me.

 

I spoke with D last night on the phone. He seems quite shaken up and upset. He's coming over tomorrow. I'm working this afternoon. As I'm a public patient, it will likely be around 3 weeks for the surgery and I'm expected to be out of action for around a week.

 

There are many ways of looking at this, and I need to be grateful that I live in a country where I have access to good hospitals and doctors, technology and of course, this drug which is going to improve my chances.

 

I was able to use mindfulness during the procedure - I was awake the whole time and it was okay. The doctor, my surgeon - he took out the first tumor, sat down beside the table and gave me a good honest talk. I won't be dying quickly at least, and there are chances too I'm going to be okay, but I have a battle ahead of me.

[journeynow]

(((hugs))) Silverbirch! Sending buckets of healing thoughts, peace, joy, chocolate, sweet hugs.

[Silverbirch]

BIG HUGS BACK ((((((((((()))))))))) and THANK YOU. I'm doing okay.

[Silverbirch]

Funny that I've had this anxiety for so long now, but since seeing the doc and getting the latest news, I'm very calm.

 

Yesterday I was in the supermarket and I saw these traditional Australian cakes called chocolate - plain sponge iced in chocolate and then rolled in dessicated coconut. When I was a kid, I was mad about them and my dear Grandad used to bring them over when he visited. I bought a packet of them and ate 5 of them - not in the one sitting. Each time I ate one, it almost felt as though I was sitting there with my Grandad, and it felt nice. I don't feel guilty about eating so much because I know I wont do that all the time.

 

I have another big day planned with work and then tomorrow off. D is coming over in the afternoon. He is quite distressed I can tell so I've made sure I haven't cried or anything while I've been talking to him. I know he's trying to sound strong and made it very clear he will be there for me. I don't want to lean too much on any one person. I have a lovely female friend who has offered to help me with transport to and from the hospital, and D is going to take care of some of my animals at least.

 

I wish I could glo home to visit my mother but it isn't an option right now due to work and money. It's weird because I have known that she knows something has been up for a while. I'm the same with my son. I don't ever want her to know. It could kill her because she would worry so much.

 

Back in a minnie.

[Silverbirch]

Anyway, I'm not too bad and actually appreciating time I have on my own. I do have some medical appointments and things to follow up.

 

When I first found out and hadn't spoken to David, as silly as this might sound to anyone, the thought of having cancer in my body and going back for this next lot of treatment and then the wait to see how it goes doesn't seem anything near as bad as the thought that maybe in this lifetime I won't have experienced genuine lasting love and happiness with a man.

 

Well later that day, I saw this friend Bec who is also best friends with one of my best friends. She was so kind and she was the one who immediately offered to drive me to medical appointments and to and from the hospital. I was touched and grateful and it reminded me of how many truly wonderful, giving, generous, sensitive, empathetic, joyful, funny - so many great attributes - but mostly their ability to give real love to others without wanting anything back. I have so wanted that type of love from men, and so far - I don't know how things will work out with D - I haven't had that type of love.

 

Gotta say though that these last couple of days, D has been very caring and certainly more expressive than I've ever known him to be. I do think though that I feel an awareness of the importance of not being needy and dependent on him - as much as I can. He told me recently that it has actually been 16 years, not 12 as I had thought since he had been in a full relationship with a woman - and that was very short-lived. In fact, he'd had a series of maybe 4 short-lived relationships after his divorce, and I can ascertain from what he has said that he felt hopeless in relationships (he had been with his wife for 12 years), and he decided also for the sake of his daughter to go it alone. It was after all that when he became more and more reclusive as the years went by.

 

Oh Blah, I do go on, don't I?

 

Well, better shake a leg and get on with the day. Looking forward to a nice relaxing day tomorrow.

[Realitynut]

I like it when you 'go on' SB...after all....this is your damm journal!!

 

I was going to 'go on' to you about the handsome biker/runner guy...but then i read about your Cancer...and suddenly

everything else seemed so frivolous! S.B...we know you have LOTS of friends ready and willing to help...just know...your American friends are over here pulling (and praying) for you too! Your heart is so pure, so sweet, so kind....and i stand in awe of you.

 

(ok..i will tell you about Mr. Handsome.) I massaged him a couple of days ago...for the 3rd time. He was going out of state for biking with 5 other guys...for a second i thought maybe he was GAY...lol...but then he said something about my body again... and that he didn't think it was so bad. lol...he said, You never saw Italian painters painting skinny women"....i said no....but this isn't the 1800's...lol I guess he's Italian...oh...and my...what a body. Then he made a pass at me!!!! He touched my leg...oh my...all i could think about was..."I'm sure glad i shaved that morning"...lol I just about flipped out. He said it felt muscular. I said, "of course it has muscles...it has to hold up all this weight!!!!" ...i try to be funny....hehee

 

Well...it got even worse...and worse...or better...however you want to think about it!! Later i drove thru a drive-thru resturant...and parked the car when i handed the girl the money...then wondered why the car wouldn't move. Later i was filling my tire with air....and filling and filling and filling....lol

 

3 hrs later, i txted him, and said, "I'm still discombobulated"....he replied. 'me too'....lol

 

Sheesh....I've never been so enthralled over a guy since Dan. And i know NOTHING is going to come of it...nothing ever does...but sheesh again. Even BETTER looking than Dan...a KILLER body....ugh....

 

he said he hasn't been with anyone for a year and a half. (exactly 1 1/2 yrs since Dan left me also!!!) I asked him why? i mean...really ...he could have anyone. He said just too busy. Probably with all that bike riding and running....sheet!

BTW...we never 'did' it...but he was...umm...maybe i should tell you privately...lol

 

Gol dang. Well, last week i was stood up for a date...as i sat at the resturant for OVER an hour....then Sunday i realized my bike was stolen...I had driven over an hour to buy it last fall....dang...

 

But biker dude makes me smile.

 

Hope D makes you smile...

and my stupid stories...

[Silverbirch]

LMAO Carla. Please mail me and tell me just what happened with Biker Dude. I'm sure it will brighten my day!

 

Thanks for your very kind words and encouragement. I greatly appreciate it and YOU certainly bring a smile to my face - ALWAYS! XXXX

[Silverbirch]

I got quite a surprise when I saw myself in the mirror tis morning! I actually look very well. My skin is the clearest it has been for a long time, and it is normally quite good. I'm certain it's because these last 3 days I've been drinking close to 2 litres of water a day and taking Ural sachets to flush out my kidneys and bladder. I should have been doing this all along as it's meant to make a difference in reducing chances of tumors recurring. You are supposed to drink as much water as it takes to keep your wee looking as close to water as possible.

 

Apart from that, I've just started using rosehip oil again on my skin and the Lovan has helped a lot with my sleep.

 

D is supposed to be coming over today. Funny that he has planned that for a week. In very recent times, he has actually been able to plan things with me - something which had not been possible due to his "commitmentphobia". I had really backed off from visiting him, and the other night he said to me that he didn't blame me for not wanting to visit him because he is so bad with housework. He had told me how he found a pair of my knickers and jammie pants and washed them, folded them and put them under "my" pillow on his bed! LOL! This might sound trivial to anyone, but truly, housework is not his forte. I've asked him a couple of times if he has just thought of using paper plates because he usually has a couple of days of washing up on his kitchen sink - and he eats quite a lot being a very tall and large-framed man.

 

Okay, now here is some surprising news. I heard from the ex G by email and told him what is going on. He has sent me several emails, some of them telling me that he "wants to support me", that anything I need, to just ask and no strings attached. I've thanked him and told him I'm okay. There was another mail there from him this morning telling me he is glad I sound okay and optimistic, but that "I haven't gotten to that point yet."

 

Anyway, the chemo I will be having is "targeted chemo". They will put this drug, Mitomycin in my bladder and leave it there for an hour, then I will likely being having my bladder flushed out continuously with saline for a couple of days. I had the saline wash with the very first tumor, and whilst it isn't painful, it's a pain in the bum. You feel constantly as though you are going to pee your pants. I should be very grateful though as I am not in any pain and you wouldn't know from looking at me that anything is wrong at all. The tumors are only very small, but I am getting multiples of them. They found 4 at the last scan and 10 last time I had removal which was around 3 months ago.

 

There is a website where I have been for support and info, but to be truthful, it freaks me out somewhat even though the people are lovely. I see that many, if not most of them are going through far worse than I am, and it scares me to see what I might have to go through later. I am going back though to read up on the chemo so that I can be prepared.

 

I had a great day at work yesterday and all this week actually and today I get a lie in bed which is where I still am.

 

I greatly appreciate yours posts and well wishes JN and Carla and think of you both through the day. Have a good one. XXX

[Silverbirch]

Hey Carla,

If you are there, I know how after the BU when I was feeling so down and my ego had been so battered that making myself look as good as I could - well maybe I got carried away. However, I know I do feel heaps better when I make the most of my appearance. I forgot I had some of the Eye Essential Cream which I'd paid a heap for and it works very well giving a temporary lift. I'm going to wash my hair with the blue shampoo to bring out the blonde highlights and pamper myself a bit.

 

I'm going to have to go buy some night dresses for the hospital - won't be able to wear pants so I'll try get some stuff that doesn't look too daggy.

 

Anyway, Carla and JN - any tips for looking and feeling one's best. XXX

[Silverbirch]

David came to visit yesterday and I felt so happy as soon as I saw him. I try to stay cool and nonchalant when I'm away from him,but once he is there, I really do get the butterflies. I've never seen him emotional before (apart from being extremely annoyed), but he is clearly very stressed about my cancer. He told me he wants to take care of me and has offered to do so much. Seeing him like that really motivated me to be as determined as I can to beat this and to be strong. I've had a few quiet cries when I've been on my own, but in front of other people, I've managed to stay stoic.

 

I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to remain with the cancer support group - or at least, I don't think I will be able to visit a real lot because it actually scares me more. I asked if anyone else had experiences with Mitomycin Targeted Chemotherapy, and it seems that some people just breeze through it without too many problems whilst others say it was pretty bad. One woman described it as like having Draino put inside her with a rotor motor blade churning it around. Apparently, most people experience extreme tiredness for a week. Well, I know that even with my other resections I was given some very strong pain relief, most of which I didn't need, and they kept offering me morphine at the first resection. I only had it the once and it was okay - just a bit of nausea. I expected to be tripping out, but nothing much happened except the pain was a bit better and then I fell asleep. The Endone tablets taken with Paracetamol were better I thought.

 

Well, enough of that. I was so glad I put in some effort to look my best yesterday. It helped me feel so much better.

 

I'm going to David's tonight to stay the night. I was telling him last night how I'm planning to get a sofa bed to put on my porch in the summer and I'm planning to sleep out there with a mosquito net canopy because it's so much cooler there and I'll be able to see the kangaroos and horses and birds. His house gets really hot in summer and he says that after he has finished all of his work at home on those very hot days, he'll come around and stay with me then scoot off early in the morning to go to his paid job and work on his farmlet. I can't think of anything else I'd rather do.

 

I'm so looking forward to going tonight.

[Realitynut]

YAY...i'm so happy he is there for you to give you some comfort....

wish i had someone's arms to lay in...lol

 

Funny how i always bring it back to me....lol

[Silverbirch]

BIG BIG HUGS CARLA! I had to work a fairly long day yesterday but got to David's house about long enough to have a cup of tea and then go to bed. When we got into bed, he put my head on his chest and his arm around me and we slept that way all night. It seems both of us slept very deeply and peacefully. Even though the sun has been gone for a couple of days (and he has S.A.D.) apart from cursing the weather, he was in quite a good mood and SO loving and affectionate. Kept coming over and sitting with me and holding my hand and we were joking around quite a lot. I almost stayed again tonight, but I have a kitty cat at home which I can't take with me (although she did once come for an unexpected trip when I didn't know until 20 mins after I had left home that she was in the back of my car!). The cat and dog are best friends and she gets lonely and sookey on her own so I came back.

 

Just as I was leaving, I told him that I''m a bit scared about the chemo, and how for some people it's fine and for others it's really awful. He said that likely for me it's going to be okay and that he is going to be there for me.

 

I went out to Kmart and got some night-dresses for the hospital and I'm going to have to be organised, getting a weeks worth of groceries for when I come home from the hospital as I likely won't be able to drive for a week and I want to come home to my own place. This is a really lovely place to be for me if I'm ever unwell. I've had some very colorful parrots in my backyard of late, coming in to the some of the shrubs which are beginning to flower.

 

I've got to try and get more work this week. I haven't taken too much in advance because of my uncertainty with dates, but I need to be earning as much as I can and probably take as much time off as I can after the surgery. One week would be the minimum, but I can't see how I would afford to take more. I pray God will keep looking after me, and that I'm going to beat this and get through this lot of treatment without being a sook.

 

Hey Carla, yeah, it's good having someone there like he has been, but I'm certain it's going to happen for you. I think you will meet someone better than Dan - maybe not as good-looking, but I'm sure there are plenty of great guys out there who would be interested in you. XXX

[Silverbirch]

I really feel a need to be preparing myself as best I can for the chemo. The cancer site is only helpful to a degree. There is lots of technical info there, but I can't bring myself to spend much time there because of so many posts by people whose cancer has progressed further, and there are also In Memorium posts for people who have lost the battle. I'm trying to think it out rationally - okay, not everyone will survive it, but I guess that even the people who haven't made it probably got a lot more strength and knowledge which hopefully made their time easier.

 

Last year, when I had the first lot of surgery, I was so stressed, I let other areas of my life become neglected - such as opening mail, and I got myself into some probs because of this. I guess maybe the slogan "A Day At A Time" is especially relevant for me right now. I need to stay calm and stay on top of everything.

 

I'm feeling sort of calm today.

[Firiel]

Oh gosh, good luck with the cancer treatment! You are strong, and I know you'll do great... sending positive thoughts your way!

[Silverbirch]

Thanks SO much Firiel. I'm determined to stay positive. I can see now that after I had my first scan come back clear, I got complacent about some things, not realising just how important they are. Just simple things, for example, VERY important to drink AT LEAST 1.5 litres of water per day and take Ural Sachets, keep the bladder and kidneys working and cleaning the body out.

[Silverbirch]

The hospital have rung me today and said that they will be ready for me to come in 7am Thursday, 18th October. I will stay in overnight at least and there is a possibility they will let me go home the next day depending on how things are going though they said it wouldn't be a good idea for me to be on my own. Said I would have people visiting.

 

I'm fortunate that in the nearest village here there are several organic and health cafes and grocers so I went down today and have a very nice and healthy lunch.

 

David rang this morning saying that when he woke and I wasn't there, he missed me and that he wanted to tell me that I am special and he will be there for me.:strawberry:

[Silverbirch]

I'm still okay but today getting a little worried about money as I didn't get as many hours as I had hoped for over the last week and this week, and with needing to take time off next week, I just want to send a message out to the universe for plenty of work and money PLEASE.

[Silverbirch]

I rang one of my women friends from the dance group and told her and asked if she would mind telling the others about what is happening in my life right now. I had planned to be in contact with them over the 2 week break and have them come to my home, but with the news I had about the C, I had to put this on hold. As well, I can't go to the class this Friday as I have to go to the hospital for tests.

 

It was a difficult thing to do and I felt bad putting that on her. There were some girls I have become good friends with but felt it wouldn't be right for me to ring them and tell them so I asked this lady G if she will mind telling them for me. Also to tell them I want to come back - I just don't know what is happening in my life right now.

 

I seriously need to be earning more money as the work has gone very quiet in this last week, and the last thing I need right now is money problems. It will be easier to rest up if I know I have enough money in the bank to see me through.

 

I tried to cut the grass this morning, and need to use a scrub cutter before I can use a mower, but there is something wrong with my scrub cutter so I couldn't do it - Darn. I'm reasonably organised with the house and stuff. Please Universe, bring me more work. Help me keep some money in the bank.

[Silverbirch]

Thank You Universe for bringing me those shifts for this week. I will be very busy. Could you please help me with money and earnings for the following fortnight. Thank You.

[Realitynut]

I'd send you money S.B...if i had any!!! lol....Could you use American coinage???? lol...i have lots of PENNIES!

 

My son is having surgery this week on one of his TESTICLES....OMG.....and wanted to know if his Dad and i could help him out with $$. I told him i didn't have any money either, but he could skip a few of his rent payments! Sheesh. If i hadn't got the house i live in now thru my divorce (paid for) and have tenants upstairs...i don't know WHAT i would do. And the house I'm moving IN to...my dad paid for just before he died. But just the taxes and insurance, and utilities, etc....cost a TON...so i need every ounce of rent i can get. Then i do have a tenant here, that always has some excuse not to pay....and i let him slide by....

 

Probably cuz if he left, i'd have to clean and fix it all up again...and i don't have time for that now....

 

Ok...since you don't want me to send an envelope of pennies to Australia....I'll just pray that you get some extra shifts and i get a few more massages...and my tenants pay....

 

I still find it entertaining that things are just starting to bud and blossom there...and it just got cold here!!! 2 weeks ago i had the air on...and now the heat. It froze the last few days and i had to cover all my plants!!!

 

Cool about your parrots in the back yard. All we have are pesky squirrels, and city racoons!!!

 

Ordered a new sink, faucet and countertop for the kitchen where i am moving. All mom could say was "can you afford that??" Welll......

 

I did put an ad in finally for my place...but no bites yet....cross fingers...

 

Thinking positive thoughts about you getting well....fast. So many people over here anyway, don't get as sick with the chemo cuz they have medication to stop the sick feelings....as you say....everyone is different!

 

Stay strong...stay positive...you have friends around the world thinking and praying for you.

 

Lay your head on Davids chest as often as you can....

Summer will be there soon....

and flowers...

and sun.

Smile.

Love

C

[Silverbirch]

BIG HUGS AND THANK YOU CARLA! I have a lot of faith in the universe. I got plenty of work for this week after I wrote that first post to the universe and ended up having to ring work back and cancel one of them because I realised I took too much on and would have been over the hours I'm supposed to work. I took plenty of work for the weekend and will get some penalty rates for that so I'll be okay. Big thank you for thinking of me anyway. I've never missed a meal in my life and always had a roof over my head - something seems to look after me.

 

The chemo I will be having is called targeted Mitomycin therapy. They will put it inside my bladder and leave it there for 1-2 hours. Some people find it okay, but others have found it to burn and have discomfort afterwards. After each time I have had the surgery, I don't so much get pain, but a real discomfort of feeling like I'm just bursting to go to the toilet - but the feeling stays there for quite some time. I'm told it's irritation from being poked around there and is normal.

 

I've never seen a real squirrel or racoon but think they are very cute. A pet squirrel would be cool. Very exciting about your new home! David talks more and more about us getting a place together in the country. I so want to do that one day.

 

I had a good shift at work and have to go in earlier than usual tomorrow for a staff meeting before I start my shift. It's cosy here right now in bed with doggie and my cat cuddled up with me.

 

I'm going to stay at David's friday night - it will probably be a bit of a tiring day with tests up at the hospital, then I've got a full weekend of paid work on - 11 hours on saturday and then 8 on sunday. I'm meant to be seeing a psychologist on Monday to get help with the anxiety. I was referred to him weeks ago, but since starting the anti-depressants, the anxiety is so much better, but still I will go and see if I can get any benefit from him - especially as I get 10 visits for free.

 

I greatly appreciate the warm wishes and prayers. Thank you Carla and all my ENA friends. XXX

[Silverbirch]

I have to keep hanging in there. My sister called me this morning and calling back. My mother is unwell with depression - something which has plagued her on and off for many years and she may have to go into hospital. I so would like to jump on a plane and go see her and spend time with her. Sis is calling back as she had lots happening around her when we were speaking. I haven't told anyone in my family about the recurrences and that I'm having to go back into hospital for the chemo treatment.

 

After I got of the phone, I just sobbed. My mother and I are close and I'm worried also that she senses something is not right with me. She has this knack of calling me at crucial times when I've had sad things happening in my life or I'm worried. I am the same with my son.

 

I will probably have to tell my sister about going into hospital because they will be disappointed that I'm not able to come up and see my mother right now. My mother is 75 and has a lot of health problems too and I vow she will not know about this C. It would kill her I'm sure.

 

In my absent-mindedness over the past week, it seems I have misplaced 4 gold bangles I wear most of the time. R, my ex-ex had given them to me many years ago. I have obviously taken them off somewhere while I've done something either at home or work or at David's. My main concern with it is that I have taken them off at work while I've had to do something with a client and someone has picked them up and taken them as they have not been handed in. I've prayed and asked the universe to bring them back. If somebody did take them, even though they are gold, they would get virtually nothing for them if they were to pawn them in - I know as I had them valued a while back and they are a bit worn and bent from having worn them for so many years. I feel almost not quite dressed without them and hope I fiind them.

 

Still, my mother is far more important. I have spoken with David this morning and he has lots of body aches from work so trying not to over-exert himself as he is going to have a very big day with work on Saturday. I'm going back to his place tomorrow night and then going to work from his place over the weekend. Saturday, I will have to leave his place before 8am and won't get back there until close to 10pm, then back at work Sunday, leaving at around 7.30am. He lives closer to work than where I live and I was a bit worried about leaving my dog alone for so long so both of us will stay there and doggie will have company with his 2 dogs. I'll be sure to get them all a big bag of bones!

 

Please Universe, take care of my beautiful Mum. Please return my bangles to me. Thank you.

[Silverbirch]

My younger sis rang me back to talk about my mother and I knew that I had to tell her what is happening in my life. When I go home (it's two and a half hour flight on a large plane), my mum always gets improved, and I so would like to go home to see her. I was worried about telling my sister what is happening as I know she is already stressed about my mother and things in her own life. Tells me that my older sister is not coping at all with my mother and their relationship is very poor of late - but that is a constant thing really. Older sister is by no means an easy going person.

 

When I got off the phone from my sister, I had a really good cry.

 

I wish I didn't have to go to work tonight, but that's just tough. I'm going to be working with this woman who is one of those ones who is so over-opinionated and always talking about how nobody is doing the job right except for her. I usually don't have to work with her and she is not liked by a lot of people including management. I'm just going to try and knuckle down and try to pleasantly keep my interractions with her to a minimum. You have to also be careful of anything she says to you and she constantly tries to pry information against other people. She is unfortunately the union representative and is considered by a lot of people to be a bully and bigmouth. God, I nned to try and adjust my attitude and stay positive, and remind myself that I wish nobody anything but good.

 

It's raining here again. I have to get up very early tomorrow to eat and then fast as I have my IVP and blood tests tomorrow. I'd better get a move on.

[Silverbirch]

I'm so tired today. I didn't get home from work until 11.30pm last night. I had to get up at 6am to eat as I have to fast for the rest of the morning until I have the tests at the hospital around lunchtime. Fingers crossed they don't find any tumors on my kidneys.

 

Since speaking with my sister, I have felt a lot more emotional. I'm more troubled than I should be about losing my bangles - as though it is a type of omen. Last night I dreamed that I lost all of my hair, and I was telling myself it would be okay - that when it grew back, it would be thicker and shinier.

 

I hope I can go back to bed when I get home from the hospital in the afternoon. I'm going to David's tonight and going to work over the weekend from his place. All I can think of right now is sleep. I'll try and doze at the hospital.

[Silverbirch]

Things at the hospital went okay. I got there 9.30 and was finished by around 2pm. The procedure wasn't painful, but it was freaky. I had some type of solution injected into my veins while I was lying on this bed they moved electronically into this type of chamber. Their were weird sensations they told me I would have like a sense of heat throughout the body and the sensation that you have wet your pants but it was all okay. . . maybe a little nerve-wracking as I wasn't sure what to expect. The heat sensation isn't like electrocution or anything like that.

 

I had to ring my son to let him know about going into the hospital and he is going to come see me the day after the op and chemo.

 

I got some special food for my cat while I'm away in the hospital - Royal Canin for Fussy Eaters. It's a complete dry food with a gourmet flavor - the best you can get and she loves. That way, if my housemate goes away too, I know there will be plenty put out for her which won't have been contaminated with flies or whatever. ATM, she's mostly eating human-grade pink salmon and is pampered as she is getting old now and I think is a great little cat - a siameseXburmese.

 

I bought myself some fake gold bangles to replace the real gold ones I lost. The original ones were given to me by my ex-ex more than 10 years ago, and I've hardly had them off since he gave them to me. I guess when he gave them to me, it meant a lot to me. I don't want to be with him or anything, but it's hard to explain. One of them he gave me after the bipolar had kicked in and he stabilised out a bit. It had the words "I Love You" engraved on it. When the bipolar was full-on he used to tell me he didn't l've me and he said he got me that bangle to wear to know that he really did love me, no matter what he said or did. Yeah, I know it sounds lame, but I suppose ti was something I hadn't quite let go of. Well, it seems they are gone now.

 

So need to catch up on some sleep before I head off to D's.