Picking Myself Up Journal

[Silverbirch]

I have felt like I'm sliding down a dark hole today and grappling to stay on top. I woke 5am with nausea and stomach pain.When I came back to bed,I just focused on my breathing and was able to go back to sleep for a few hours before ringing into sick.

 

I go back to doctor tomorrow - he had put me on anti-d meds a week ago for my chronic anxiety and he's referring me to a counsellor so I can get some longer- term strategies to deal with the anxiety.

 

I should be ashamed to say that I was in and out of bed until 1.30pm. I've cried a lot today and written in my journal. Finally I did get up and bath and wash my hair and put on some washing.

 

I've got to have a plan to get up and get going and get positive - pick myself up. There are heaps of things in my life I need to be grateful for. I have a job, a great place to live, some nice friends and my pets. I've got a car. My mum is wonderful and I love her to bits.

 

I'll try and get going again now.

[Realitynut]

Hi SB....when i was put on anti-depressants last year...I felt awful....but didn't know if it was cuz of my depression...or the pills or both. after one month, I ran out, and when i went to get more, the Dr. hadn't called the prescription in. I remember sitting there crying and feeling AWFUL....a few days without the pills...I felt a little better. so when i went back to get the prescription, i started off with a half of a pill....and slowly built myself up to one a day. When i went off of them after 2 months...i slowly went off. One every other day...then in halves. I went off cuz i was gaining weight like crazy. Again..not sure cuz of the lethargy....(remember all those peanut butter and syrup sandwiches....lol) or the pills.

 

Now when i am having anxiety....with stomach pains etc. , I take a Valium. (Diazapam) It works in about a half an hour....and lasts about half a day or so. Helps put you to sleep also. But it is very habit forming, so I only take one...or a half of one....when I'm feeling really stressed.

 

I got them from a friend when i was having those horrendous blow ups with Dan.

 

So your pills might be making you feel strange. I think they might have been paxil. They also made my hands have tremors until i got use to them. Same for my brother. He shook like crazy....in your hands. weird.

 

So just something to be aware of....

ps...loved hearing abut the kangaroos....so strange....not having them here. All we have running out in the road...even in town....are deer!

Hugs.

C

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Carla, funny you should say that about the tremor because I started taking them Thursday last week, and on Saturday, a lady at work noticed I had a tremor. The tablets I am taking are called Lovan. He has also given me something I took years ago, but don't take every day - Propranolol which helps with anxiety but it is a very different type of drug to Valium. I can take it morning and night, but it slows me down a lot - it makes blood pressure go down and relaxes muscles. He told me that it will take around 6 weeks to feel any really positive effect. The nausea I had this morning is likely from the Lovan. When I had the nausea and stomach pain this morning, I wasn't able to take anything as I would have just thrown it back up, but focusing on my breathing did help me relax enough to fall asleep. I'm not eating well either and feel very much like a pancake with maple syrup to eat - like you and the peanut butter. I would love some clear soup and bread but couldn't be stuffed going to the shops or cooking, but I suppose I should do something.

 

I put on a new bellydance coin scarf I bought last week and put Patti La Belle original Lady Marmalade on and had a dance on my own which made me feel immediately improved. I've been so cold of late that for weeks, I haven't dressed up at the dance class as nearly everyone else does. I just get about there in some daggy gym pants.

 

I saw more kangaroos today and they are looking very healthy indeed due to so much grass about. If I can work out how to put up pics again, I'll see if I can take some photos. You can't get close to the ones here as they are all feral of course.

 

Please write me and tell me how your house plans are going. That's something I so want to do. I'm hoping at some point to buy a small place in the country which I can rent out for a few years until I retire or whatever, but that's still a way off.

[Silverbirch]

I woke again this morning around 5.15am with the anxiety and an unpleasant feeling in my stomach and chest. I knew there was nothing I can take which will make me feel better so I tried the deep breathing and after a while, I feel back asleep for a while. Then when I woke again, the feelings came back so I tried the breathing and clearing my mind by just trying to focus on the sounds around me. I got up, had a cup of tea and then hung out some washing. While I was doing this, I saw the little black pony, stomach on the ground, front legs and hooves in front of hiimself, resting peacefully as he often does. I went over and said hello and gave him a scratch. He was so chilled, he let me pick his hooves with a twig. Then I went and said hello to the other older ponies. I walked down the paddock and sat on a log under a tree, and then I noticed that the older 2 ponies had followed me. I went up to the oldest pony and gently stroked her nose and lips. I walked away and then noticed she was following me, so I stopped, and she stopped. I started a game to see if she would follow my trail, so I walked in zig zags and semi-circles, and she followed my steps, stopping when I stopped and enjoyed a gentle stroke from me a couple of times. She followed me all the way back to the backyard, and she looked as though she wanted to come in an join me, but I had to say good-bye for the time-being. After that, I felt calm and fortunate.

 

I had 2 phone calls from D yesterday. Right now, I need to be on my own. I have felt fragile, and I need to build myself back up. I actually DON'T WANT to see him right now. I can't recall feeling that way before. He was in a good mood when he rang and teasing, and saying he was feeling happier since being in some sun. Now it's my turn to get happier and more well.

 

I had some raisin toast and tea and realise I haven't eaten much over the last couple of days so today I will eat better. I have to see the doctor soon, pay a bill and then go to work. Then tomorrow I have my dance group and the day off before I have to knuckle down to a full weekend at work.

[Silverbirch]

I went down to see my GP and it went well I think. He said that most likely that the Lovan won't kick in until next week, and that often people feel worse during those first 2 weeks than before they were taking it.

 

We have organised for me to have an Implanon hormonal implant put in for contraception and maybe I will have a permanent sterilsation if they will do it fairly promptly at the public hospital otherwise, the Implanon will last for 3 years. He also gave me the paperwork to go see a local psychologist. He was pleased that I had been trying the mindfulness techniques for the anxiety. I also had routine blood tests done.

 

Right now, I'm feeling better than I have this whole week. D had said he was going to ring me this morning to see how I am, but it's nearly 1.30pm and I haven't heard anything. He sometimes forgets to ring when he has said he would, but I'm not going to ring him. When he rang last night, he was making teasing jokes and saying he felt a lot better, but I'm being very cautious not to get roped in only to get hurt again by the next outburst. I can't cope with his moods right now.

 

I'd wanted to go pay a bill, but the doctor took longer than I thought so I will have to shelve that until tomorrow. As well, I can go look at some fencing materials. Not sure if I'm repeating myself here, but looks like I'm going to be offered more contract hours until October as someone has gone off with an injury. It's also possible that in November, I will pick up some more permanent hours when somebody else is expected to leave. I really do want to be setting up a more stable life for myself, and work is a big part of that.

 

Next Tuesday, I'm hoping to go to a local meditation class. Well, off to work now.

[Silverbirch]

I went down to see my GP and it went well I think. He said that most likely that the Lovan won't kick in until next week, and that often people feel worse during those first 2 weeks than before they were taking it.

 

We have organised for me to have an Implanon hormonal implant put in for contraception and maybe I will have a permanent sterilsation if they will do it fairly promptly at the public hospital otherwise, the Implanon will last for 3 years. He also gave me the paperwork to go see a local psychologist. He was pleased that I had been trying the mindfulness techniques for the anxiety. I also had routine blood tests done.

 

Right now, I'm feeling better than I have this whole week. D had said he was going to ring me this morning to see how I am, but it's nearly 1.30pm and I haven't heard anything. He sometimes forgets to ring when he has said he would, but I'm not going to ring him. When he rang last night, he was making teasing jokes and saying he felt a lot better, but I'm being very cautious not to get roped in only to get hurt again by the next outburst. I can't cope with his moods right now.

 

I'd wanted to go pay a bill, but the doctor took longer than I thought so I will have to shelve that until tomorrow. As well, I can go look at some fencing materials. Not sure if I'm repeating myself here, but looks like I'm going to be offered more contract hours until October as someone has gone off with an injury. It's also possible that in November, I will pick up some more permanent hours when somebody else is expected to leave. I really do want to be setting up a more stable life for myself, and work is a big part of that.

 

Next Tuesday, I'm hoping to go to a local meditation class. Well, off to work now.

[Silverbirch]

D rang me tonight. He had a long and hard day at work. He said he wanted to tell me that even though it may not always seem that way, he will always be there for me even if not in the physical sense - in person - he is there forever. He said that I need to remember that I'm not alone anymore.

 

I didn't get home from work until after 11.30pm. The old mare was waiting at the gate of my backyard and gave me a welcoming knicker as soon as I walked through to my back door. I went and got her a carrot as soon as I got inside. I was welcomed also by my dog and cat who are now snuggled up together beside me in bed.

 

I feel peaceful.

[Silverbirch]

I think I may have had a light bulb moment. I'm wondering if part of the reason I wake between 5 and 5.15 each morning with the anxiety is because months ago, I slept through my alarm after working a late night shift and missed an early morning shift. I know there have been times I have successfully willed myself to wake early. That makes sense to me. Missing shifts is something I cannot afford to do.

[Silverbirch]

It's 3pm Friday, and I'm now feeling much better than I was 3 days ago. I went to my bellydance class then the other women and I had an extended lunch. The class was a lot of fun as usual, and I think I enjoy the lunches at least as much. Providing the weather doesn't turn bad, my friend Jen (who I know from the dance group) and I are going to "September Moondance" tomorrow at a nearby community. There is meant to be a blue moon tonight and tomorrow night.

 

I realised at the dance class today that I was starving as my eating has been very poor. I had a mild Thai green vegetable curry and now I'm full and content. Unfortunately, I doubt I will be able to get as much done as I hoped. I'm feeling lazy and sleepy now.

[Silverbirch]

I woke at 3am and decided that as I have some sick leave owing, I will take the day off work. This is mostly to get some things done here and to do everything I can to be able to go out with my friend tonight. I know this sounds flakey, but I don't care as I know that if I go out and have some fun, I will feel so much better. I feel pathetic for letting my place get to be a bit of a mess and I find the paperwork in my life unending. Every payday, I find that I have been underpaid by several hundred dollars, and this takes several phone calls to rectify due to the structure of the pay system where I work. As far as I know though, I am on top on bill-paying right now and managing to live within my means.

 

I started re-reading "Co-dependent No More" and can see myself in there. Relationships become over-important to me and I stress about them more than I should which makes me come accross as needy and clingy and boring. I really can't cope with myself anymore as I have been. Stressing so much has just sapped the energy out of me.

 

I have found a great health food cafe in a nearby village where I can get a very reasonably priced organic vegetarian and healthy meal and will go there a couple of times a week until I have built myself up and cooking healthy food at home again.

 

D rang me while I was asleep last night. I told him that I was planning on going to a dance tonight and he wanted to know precisely where. He sounded a bit funny, but it could have been that he was half asleep himself. He said he will come over Monday to work on the rehab pony which needs it's hooves attended to. Poor baby's hooves have grown very quickly this month and it's lying down more than it should be because of this.

 

I'll try and get some sun today as well and go for a walk.

[Silverbirch]

Jen and I met up at the dance and ended up having a good time. We saw other people who were knew there and chatted to. It was very friendly,mostly local people. This is going to sound conceited, but there was this guy there. I've never met him before, but it got to the point of being embarrassing because he was going gaga, telling me I looked beautiful and standing there looking at me and not saying much. Then when Jen and I and most people were up dancing to this Riverdance style music, he came and danced with us, and Jen was saying: "He wants to dance with you." I finished the dance and it was an opportune time to leave as it was getting on and I had to start work early the next day.

 

I had one of the biggest days at work I've ever had. One of my long-term clients, a young woman who I have known for around 10 years, decided that she no longer wants active treatment and is ready to die. We had to call the special nurse and doctor, and then ambulance, and she was taken to the hospital where they had a bed prepared for her. She has been assured that by the staff at the hospital that they will not allow her to suffer and will give her adequate pain relief.

 

My co-wroker and I transferred her to the ambulance stretcher ourselves. This young woman has always had a terror of being put onto ambulance and stretcher beds. We had to use the hydraulic hoisting equipment to do it. I held onto her and reassured her right up until they had strapped her into the trolley bed. She was very calm during this for a change. I held the side of the trolley all the way out to the ambulance making sure that there were no bumps into walls in the narrow hallways and doorways, and sat for a while with her in the ambulance and then said good-bye to her. My co-worker has known this young woman even longer than I have, and although we were both understandably distressed by the situation, we both managed to hold ourselves together so that we could best support our client for as long as she was in our care. My client wanted my co-worker to go to the hospital with her so she did and I stayed behind making the relevant phone calls and doing all the paperwork. Of course, that's a very condensed version of the day. There was a lot to deal with, including contacting her family and dealing with other people who have been close to her.

 

I ended up seeing D last night, but fell asleep on his sofa for most of the time. I came home this morning and then he came here for lunch and to do some things with the little pony. He was pleasantly surprised to see how much progress the little guy has made. Little Pony was very co-operative and well-behaved.

 

I finally got to go get the fencing equipment and as the weather will be fine again tomorrow before the weather changes, I'll take the day off and get some outdoor work done.

 

I had forgotten to take my anti-d yesterday and when I woke up this morning, the anxiety was especially bad. AS soon as I got home, I took the usual dose and the anxiety did lessen as the day wore on. It's definitely at it's worst when I wake in the mornings.

[Silverbirch]

This morning I am planning on going to a meditation class and I'm hoping this will help. I woke up in the early hours with the anxiety worse than ever. I tried the mindfulness without a lot of success, and eventually got up and took an Inderal. I'm wondering also if part of the anxiety symptoms could be cigarette withdrawal as I hadn't smoked for around 12 hours.

[Silverbirch]

Are you there Carla? I don't know if it is the meds, and I'm certainly not complaining, but today a sense of numbness came over me. My anxiety has been taken away from me. It's like a weight lifted, even if it is temporary, I am grateful. My emotions, both good and bad feel numbed too. I wouldn't say that I feel happy, but I feel a peaceness right now that I haven't felt for quite some time. I had to go to a meeting at work today and one of the well-known bullies was there sitting beside me, raising her voice and carrying on, trying to discredit people, including me. I managed to stay calm and say what I had to say. The regional manager was there and told that woman that she had to learn to stop yelling at people.

 

It was when I was driving home from the meeting, I realised that the calmness had come over me. One of my co-workers had tried to talk me out of going to the meeting because of current conflict in the workplace, and she said to me: "You will just get steam-rollered." I was determined to go and stand up to any bullying. I didn't know the big manager would be there. I feel a lot braver, and was surprised as well that the manager congratulated me on some difficult work I had undertaken recently so it seemed to be successful with relevant info being shared, plans made and a bully got sorted out. I feel more confident too.

[Realitynut]

Ohhhh Good Silver!!! It sounds as if the meds are working for you.....i couldn't be happier! YIPEE! Happy dance. I'm glad i'm not in your job.

 

I had to massage a VERY handsome cyclist/biker/runner last week and again this week. Dang he was good looking, fantastic body and really nice....it's a hard job...but someone has to do it!!!! lol....he had told me that he usually goes to the school and he had this Indian woman who had graduated and she uncovered him and massaged him nude. (He just said she threw the covering off!) I exclaimed WHAT!!!!

 

Later i said to him, "you know why she uncovered you, don't you?" He said 'why?' I said, 'just so she could look at your body!"""" lol.....I mean he has a body that could be in a magazine!

At one point i laughed and said.... I don't hurt anywhere, cuz i don't exersise...lol...then added...and i'm fat...or something like that....

Then he said something nice like 'you don't look fat to me'....or some such nonsense....I just laughed .....

Dang....every once in a while i have a REALLY GOOD DAY!!!! LOL

[Silverbirch]

LOL. I thought cyclists were skinny!! Well, I've had some contact with a man at work who I think likes me - but I couldn't be a hundred per cent certain. He's the Detective Seargent - maybe Senior Seargent, I'm not sure, leading a police investigation on a criminal matter where I'm giving evidence. He dropped in to speak with me outside of his working hours - said he lives nearby to where I work - and volunteered a small amount of info about his private life. Everybody at work who has met him likes him. He came by to see me today at work in relation to the case, but I was out of the building. I have heaps of missed calls from him and he's called me a couple of times. Says he will drop by again early next week. I wouldn't say that I have been super friendly or anything to him, but polite, professional. It's likely that I will be testifying in court and he will be having contact with me up to the hearing. I guess it feels nice to have attractive men treat you nicely even if it is just work. In fact, that's better in some ways don't you think?

[Silverbirch]

Touch wood that I seem to be feeling better all the time. I have stopped waking with anxiety although I am still waking, sometimes with body aches. I think that I'm sleeping much more deeply and perhaps I'm waking because I need to turn my body. Last 2 mornings I have worken with back and hip stiffness and soreness.

 

D took me to a nice place for lunch on Sunday and then I had to go to work for a couple of hours. He took care of my dog while I was at work, and hten I ended up staying at his place for the night, choosing to leave quite early the next day. On the way home, I stopped at some shops and bought a really nice dress (very reasonably priced due to be drastically reduced) to wear on Saturday night. He is taking me to a dinner dance which will be the first event I have gone to with clients of his. There were a few things said on Sunday which helped my time with him go well. Just when things seemed to be going so badly, he was the most loving and affectionate he has ever been with me - and he was very happy.

 

I'm doing okay. I think the anti-d's are making me feel a LOT less intense emotionally, and I'm more accepting that things will work out the way they are meant to.

 

Yesterday when I came home, I managed to get a fair bit done. I took the little black pony for a walk on the road and groomed him. I am azmazed at how far he has come. He has gone from being quite feral to becoming the most affectionate and friendly of all of my ponies - and I'm the only person who has handled him in the last year apart from the equine dentist whjo spent 15 minutes with him, and D spending short amounts of time to trim his hooves.

 

I also got a few other things done I've put off like cleaning out the water trough which was filled with gungey moss.AS my back was quite sore, I had an early night and seem to be catching up on the sleep I've missed out on these last couple of months. D noticed also that I seem improved in spirits since taking the anti-d's/

[Realitynut]

He better shape up, or i was about ready to fly to Australia to kick his butt!!!

 

Eh....flirt with Mr. sargeant man....lol....what the heck...ya only live once!!!!

 

I actually have had quite a few new people for massages lately. don't know if any will be repeats. Had a guy tonite from out of town, and he was very nice looking, but married. don't know how old...i was beginning to think ALL men my age were UGLY....but then again...maybe this guy was 40 lol...and i just THINK he's my age! I'm such a loser....just got home from the grocery store....and it's going on 1 in the morning....my icecream is melting...hahahaha

 

Talk later SB...glad you had a good Sunday with Mr. Poopypants....hope this big shing-ding goes well....and you have a wonderful time! I'm sure you will look beautiful.

What is this all about with you having to testify. or can't you divulge that info???

 

Talk later..icecream....

C

[Silverbirch]

Hi Carla, I saw "Mr. Sargent" briefly yesterday. I shouldn't say too much. Will tell you in an IM. Somebody at work was charged with a serious criminal offence which has also received a lot of media attention. There's been quite a lot of drama over it, partly through criticisms of the organisations handling of the matter.

 

Oh Ya, Mr. Poopypants, LOL!

 

Hey Carla, have you found a lot of older men to be very particular about women's appearances, and yet they are nowhere near as fussy about their own appearances! LOL! Oh, I think there are some very handsome older men. I just can't feel attracted to the younger ones, and of course, there are generally fewer available older ones.

 

Just wondering if you also find that you tend to attract a lot of gay men as chums. It struck me the other night how, over the years, especially at work, I've got lots of male friends who I have a great rapport with who happen to be gay. I saw one of them the other night, and hadn't seen him a while and he was all hugs and kisses, etc. I remember when we first all found out he was gay, several female workers semi-feigned devastation. He'd be the best looking man in the whole organisation, very, very funny and really nice person. Whilst I might have quite a few grumbles about the organisation, it is dead-set safe for people to come out as gay. I can think of 5 others off the top of my head. This was the first time that it felt really weird with him so touchey feeling and huggy kissy. He's so handsome and whilst he might be gay, I'm NOT. Seriously, I'm not thinking of cheating on Mr. PoopeyPants, but I am a woman and still functioning in most respects. LOL

 

Yesterday I went and had my eyebrows, etc waxed and need to get off to hairdresser shortly. New dress, Italian tights and boots. I'm going the full way. xxx

[Silverbirch]

LOL, luckily I checked my hairdressing appt. Nearly went a day early. Got my eyelashes tinted yesterday too. I haven't gone to this much bother for quite a long time.

 

This morning was the first time I woke with the anxiety again but it wasn't as bad as it has been. It was probably because I didn't eat much yesterday, drank more coffee than I should have and was very, very busy with work. I had to work with this woman who I am working with again tonight who is very poor at time management and fluffs around a lot, spending a lot of time talking on her phone. I never have smooth shifts with her.

 

Well, I'll get a practice run with my clothes today as I'm going to have to rush on the evening as I'm working that day and getting dressed at D's before we leave to go to the dinner dance.

 

Hope you get more handsome clients today and get to massage them. Have a great day. xxxx

[Silverbirch]

Ugh, last night I was at work. Got a call from my manager almost pleading with me to leave that job and go somewhere else where a worker hadn't shown up for their shift. I just hate this place she wanted me to go, but I pretty much had to go. She was very happy to be rid of the problem and said something cheery about how great it was I could help out and that they would love to have me at that facility regularly. Blaaahhh. If she says anything more about it, I'm just going to tell her that I don't like working there.

 

I haven't got a job booked for today but will try and pick one up. I'm off to the hairdresser shortly. Didn't wake with anxiety this morning and continuing to feel improved with my mood. The weather here is improving lots although it rained quite heavily last night.

 

I was thinking about this fund-raising dinner dance I'm going to and it's to raise money for horse rescue so looking forward to finding out more about the work they do and the people involved. I was involved with a horse rescue, rehabilitation and rehoming organisation before, but it was based hours away from where I live and this organisation is much closer. I've enjoyed being involved with Jimmy's rehabilitation and previously liked being in contact with other people involved in horse rehabilitation. It's so inspiring when you see before and after photos of horses who have been rehabilitated. We have so much land and grass here and my ponies are that chilled because of the surroundings here.. I have plenty of room for more horses if they need somewhere to stay.

 

If I don't get work today, I'll do somo work with the ponies and take one/some or all of them for a walk and exercise and some grooming.

[Silverbirch]

This is so weird,but last night it was very cold. For whatever reason, I remembered many of the times I would spend with my ex G watching movies curled up on the sofa beside the fireplace. I used to think all of that was going to last forever and I definitely didn't feel devastated or anything last night, but I felt sad. I know there were a lot of things about him I liked, but can see there were also incompatibilities.

 

It's been a long cold winter here. He used to love the winters because of the fireplace and he had a very large movie collection. He was very much an indoors person and that was one of the major incompatibilities because I suppose I'm both. I like to spend days outside, scratching about in the garden - ideally growing roses, flowers and vegetables and of course, spending time with my ponies and dog, taking them for walks on the road. G didn't like any of that and was resentful of the time I spent away from him doing those things. He was very demanding of my time expecting also that I was there for most family occasions including birthday parties for all of his siblings and their spouses.

 

D is very different to G. He doesn't make the same type of demands as G, but it's true to say that I miss those nights by the fire watching great movies. ATM my own living room is very cold. I got rid of the big telly a few weeks ago otherwise, I'd head off and get some good movies. D doesn't like watching movies, just docos and mostly blokey ones although like me, he enjoys spending time outdoors. Usually at night, he's exhausted from all he has done outside and goes to bed early. My son is a graduate in film studies and he and I tend to like the same movies. We were going to meet up today but he's had to cancel again due to his work. Hopefully, we will catch up soon.

 

Maybe I need to save up and buy a new telly. I just have a small one in the bedroom but hardly watch it as I often get too comfy in bed and fall asleep.

 

So glad to be going to the dance class this morning. I missed out last week as I had to go to a staff meeting. I'm a little bored at the moment , probably as I didn't work yesterday but didn't get too involved with anything here in case last minute paid work came in.

 

I'm getting excited about the dinner dance on Saturday and practically have everything ready.

[Realitynut]

Yes, i remember back in the day you were always commenting about your hair, your "botox"...lol....crap...i wonder what Mr. Poopypants would think of that NOW??

 

Hope everything goes wonderful....that you are floating on air with happines when you leave, and make mad, passionate love when you get home.

 

Hey, who else do i have to live vicariously through???

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Carla,

I hadn't seen your posting here. Hope all is well with you. The dance went wonderfully I posted about it on the other thread, and D is inow back in one of his affectionate and loving phases. I was very surprised that he wanted to dance all night. I didn't imagine that he danced. I definitely saw a side to him that I have never seen before. Yes, he made lots of comments about my appearance and even rang me through the week making more comments about that. LOL

 

Things in my life have been more stable. Last night at work however, I was told some unsettling news about the workplace. I felt shaken to hear that information and helpless to do anything about it. I woke in the early hours with the anxiety again and thinking about what I had been told. I lay in bed for a while debating with myself whether to get up and take a Propranolol tablet and decided against it. It makes my mouth dry. I got up and had a coffee and was able to talk some sense into myself that I can't fix everything, that I did what I could about that issue, but a person can just do so much. After a while, the anxiety settled with the self-talk so that was good to know that I can calm myself down when the anxiety comes on.

 

Anyway, hope you will read what I wrote on the other thread - I was very happy to hear that D had such a good time at the dance and is looking forward to doing it again soon. He even looked into where the band is playing next. My God, all this time he has insisted that he doesn't like going out and he probably had the best time of all the men there and danced the most!

 

LOL, living vicariously through me!!! LMAO Oh, I cringe when I think about all that obsession with my looks after G dumped me. Oh well, it was about all I could do at the time.

[Silverbirch]

I'm still doing okay but very tired today after a busy night at work on my feet. I have to start a bit earlier and have tomorrow off and need to see my son who is giving me a bit of a run around of late.

 

D range me 3 times yesterday. He NEVER rings me through the day but he did yesterday, telling me he loves me.

 

I'm wondering if soon I might need to cut back on the anti-D's - if they are going to make me too sleepy. Lots of offers of work ATM. I really would like to go home and see my mum. I miss her.

[Silverbirch]

Meeting my son for brunch. Unfortunately, I'm having to miss my dance class which is also holding it's end of term lunch. Hopefully, I'll have some of the girls over to my place during the break and we can dance here is people want. Some of them have been wanting to come out here for a while. Son and I will probably go to a nice Morroccan Street Cafe.

 

Today is my day off so I will get some things done here and then tonight, I'm going to the local film society and probably become a member. Tonight they are showing Bertolucci's 1900 with Gerard Depardeu and Robert De Niro. They hold the screenings in this little old country old hall where I went to a dance a few weeks ago. The culture here is unique to anywhere I know of. I could rant about it. Even D said last night that it would be so hard for me to leave here and says he so wants us to live together - so we will need to find a place together in this region I already live in.

 

Tomorrow night, I think there is a women's middle eastern dance night on locally so I'll go to that also. Fortunately, I don't have to work Sunday and D said that he would really like to see me. He has offered to come out here, help me do some things with the horses and then we could go out to lunch. Sounds good to me.

 

Well, I'd better get moving. Things to do.