New Journal

[itsallgrand]

Thanks. Yeah, I am going to have a great time, I know it.

[itsallgrand]

Today was awesome. Work was fun. Yes, actually fun. Could be that I'm just in a good mood, but everyone seemed to be.

Then I spoiled myself and went shopping for some of my favorite things. Got new boots, some lingerie (I want everything!), and a book. A real one, paper!

On the way home, ran into the caretaker of my building (who is my favorite caretaker of all time, since I first met her, she just is someone I connect with) and several of my neighbors at a local shop. It was like a mini party in there with everyone catching up and chattering away - it makes me happy living in a place where I truly like so many of the people, and it's the perfect blend of friendly but not at all intrusive. Plus all the pets and kids who live here; can't come home or leave home without a dog wagging at me for attention, or a neighborhood kid saying hi and filling me in on their adventures of the day. It's just a really good blend of families, couples, and singles of different ages and backgrounds.

 

Tomorrow is going to be awesome too. Feeling happy. Don't just want to report the spinning that goes on in my head but good things too. Good things are a coming!!!

 

I'm not even worried about the usual things I worry about. Hmm how is that? ! Love it.

[itsallgrand]

Life has been going well.

 

It feels important for me to note here, in this journal where I have done so much writing about my inner struggles, what seems to me a milestone psychologically and emotionally. I have not had any new episodes since I last posted about one. Even with moving out of my own comfort zone in different ways. Even with all that is going on in the world (which would usually trigger me off to an episode that would require at least a week of recovery).

 

I was thinking of what is going on in the world and the relation to trauma. The world needs healers. It needs a lot of things, but awareness about trauma (the influx of trauma related issues is only going up, and those effected) is going to be one of them.

[itsallgrand]

I am finding that this new phase of my recovery very interesting. Living with PTSD, it can feel like having a mind which has so many doors locked. If my mind were a house, it would be a big old mansion with parts deserted and certain hallways I did not go down for ages because those locked rooms talk. They bulged with frantic activity that frightened me, and though I knew there were also interesting things down those halls, they were restricted and abandoned. They change the whole tone of the entire house. Even the sunny rooms, the safe rooms, the tranquil rooms.

 

When I first started to reclaim the house, to go down those hall ways, to open those doors, all I wanted was to retreat to the safe rooms. Take a peak, retreat, recollect myself. Excursions outside the house took a lot of energy, and it seemed another world in many ways disconnected from life in the house.

 

As the house has been aired out, I feel like I am getting my freedom back. The freedom to explore and be in my own mind. To then take that mind with me, and it be an integrated and integral part of my overall experience.

 

PTSD can feel like a mental prison. I lived with that, accepted that and adapted to that as my reality, for a long time. Limitations?! You can forget what is beyond that prison, you aren't focusing on that, the longer you are in it, the longer those limitations have to harden and the less energy there is to challenge it anymore.

 

I'm grateful today for having fight in me. A lot of energy spent in futile efforts. However. I didn't give up until I found a way. I'm finding my way.

 

I can dream again. They are baby dreams, little buds, but they are my dreams. And they have a chance to be nurtured now. And to come to fruition. There is this sense of peace and optimism in that.

 

There are so many changes now, I don't write them all down. In a brief recap, a change in my ability and desire to listen. My listening is getting more focused. A change in my access to my creativity. I do not feel as cut off from that part of myself, the part that takes many pieces and creates something new. My adventurous and curious nature feels less restricted because I can now consider more thoughtfully without being threatened with fears. I can execute more easily, ideas and plans and conversations, because there is more access to positive thoughts and speculation without jumping to catastrophic conclusions.

 

Feeling cared for begets an ease in the effort of further caring. I am taking care of myself, and it is paying off. Others care for me, and I am more able now to allow that in as it is. The dynamic is changed.

 

Sweet dreams. You are so foreign to me, but so beautiful, and as the shock starts to wear off that you are here, and as I get comfortable accepting you, this whole new world which has been there all along opens up before my eyes.

 

Our brains are so amazing.

[itsallgrand]

This year, I am celebrating Christmas four times. So it is going to be a blur, and it has meant a lot of work and running around. It's not even the 'first Christmas' and I am exhausted.

Had a fitful sleep last night with a bad dream (not a nightmare, just not a nice dream). It's purely from not getting enough down time and rest off my feet and sleep.

 

I was really glad to see some real snow. It brightened my spirits and got me in bed last night, which was good even though my sleep wasn't that great, because I really needed it. This is the age where everyone is looking at me and asking or wanting "can you do this little thing you do that I like, for Christmas, or this little favour for me?". You know?! It's fine, I like contributing and being able to give some back of all I get and have gotten, but I did decide - it's 2:33 in the morning, I didn't sleep enough, and I have to work, and I have a list of things to do before next week that is so long - that a few things are going to have to be trimmed down. There's no point to this, if I am exhausted by the time it actually rolls around.

 

Tomorrow after work I am going to laze. Watch a Christmas movie. Drink hot chocolate. Go for a walk and take in the beautiful winter that has finally came. And I'm going to trim the fat off the lists.

 

I have so much to be grateful for right now. Silliness of lists; not that important.

[Seraphim]

OMG I hear you! I have had too much to do! I have not enjoyed this pre season at all either. Next year I REFUSE to work so much leading up to Christmas.

 

And we don't have any damned snow! Lol

[itsallgrand]

[video=youtube;S84RLgnz7Rs] ]

[itsallgrand]

I know my psyche is often dark, but this stuff is real. It is part of our human experience. We have to remember to love each other. I'm sorry, guys.

[Seraphim]

Hugs.❤️ You give a lot of love back.

[itsallgrand]

Hugs back. thank you Vic.

 

Now I've had my Christmas cry. I think maybe it's part of why I love Christmas so much. I can be unashamedly optimistic and corny, and no one seems to mind. It's nice having that reminder...all joy is to be celebrated, we are in this together, and it's ok to care.

 

Merry Christmas, all.

[mhowe]

Back at you! We all deserve a good Xmas cry!

[itsallgrand]

Thank you mhowe. (christmas hug your way)

[mhowe]

(Lump in throat). Thank you. I still remember all the support from the ENA friends three years ago.

[Cheetarah]

[video=youtube;S84RLgnz7Rs] ]

 

Holy christ, IAG. That was not what I expected to see, dying, burned, dead children. That's beyond a cry, I am frozen in my chair.

 

I don't think it's dark, on that note. It's real.

[itsallgrand]

Yeah, I'm sorry if it upset some people who were not expecting to see it and clicked it. I know for me, this is not something I can usually watch through. It is closely linked with my own struggles, of finding peace of mind in this world. These are the kinds of things that haunted my nightmares for years and years.

 

So to watch it through, cry, and feel all the feelings, and still feel safe and love and not totally thrown off in to my own little spot in my own head again, is a sign of my recovery and part of why i posted this.

 

This is real. And some of it is happening right now. I don't have to pretend otherwise, in order to heal. In fact, fully acknowledging it and not apologizing for being aware of this, is part of my healing.

[Cheetarah]

So to watch it through, cry, and feel all the feelings, and still feel safe and love and not totally thrown off in to my own little spot in my own head again, is a sign of my recovery and part of why i posted this.

 

I SO understand what you are saying with this. I don't think I am quite where you are, given I had to physically do something in order to center myself again. But these things used to keep me up at night. I would make myself watch such things in their entirety then my functionality would be affected significantly for a day or two...And then it'd be swirling in my head night after night.

 

I love how you are able to reconcile this...The bad with the good. Not getting taken away to another place.

[Seraphim]

It makes us realize so so many of us have so much to be grateful for. And we have so very much to share with the rest of humanity.

[tiredofvampires]

I know my psyche is often dark, but this stuff is real. It is part of our human experience. We have to remember to love each other. I'm sorry, guys.

 

Right with you there, IAG. It IS dark...but it's also real, and I never want to lose touch with reality, mine or anyone else's. I don't feel I'm separate from this. For those of us who can relate, who have experienced those images in any concrete or symbolic way, in waking or in sleep, there is the precious recognition of our shared humanity.

 

I really appreciated the video -- the intent and the significance. And of course this is your journal and you don't have to apologize. Matter of fact, if I'd known about it, I might have posted it in mine, so I get it.

 

I don't avert my eyes because I feel that it's partly my role as a citizen of the earth to know. And on a really personal note, I don't feel this has to be just depressing and morbid; for me, it always inspires action and resolve, in whatever capacity that can manifest.

 

I've never celebrated Christmas, myself -- raised in the tradition prone to "Christmas envy", haha -- but I enjoy all of what it feels like vicariously. I wish I lived in a snowy place, and always feel I can taste the snowflakes and the twinkles of lights everywhere. I love seeing the strands of lights like stars in so many windows and making everything in the city glow that much more brightly. I love the trees and the bright colors. I think I must have some very, very early memory, pre-verbal...of seeing a red Christmas ball with some frosty texture, and it just stuck with me as mesmerizing, because some ornaments have this powerful effect on me of feeling swept with pleasure -- it's like this excited feeling that I can't even describe or connect with a moment in time.

 

So I sort of "vibe" off other people's Christmas peaks and valleys...and am glad that you, IAG, are in a place of opening to your life. I hope this will be a beautiful Christmas and coming year for you.

[itsallgrand]

Thank you for the support TOV. It means a lot.

 

If you ever come to my part of the world, I'd love to show you the full winter experience.

[tiredofvampires]

I certainly would love that, IAG. I'm sure it would be amazing (and who better to show me around it?)

[itsallgrand]

Not sure if anyone remembers a thread I started over a year and a half ago now, about my conflicted feelings about attending a baby shower for a young woman in my extended family (not by blood, but family). Well I hadn't seen baby G since he turned one, and that has been mostly because they live several hours away. She sends me pictures from time to time, and we keep in light touch. Then, I got to spend time with him for a few days, and his mom and her boyfriend, over our family Christmas.

My mom was in her glory. I have some great pictures of her rocking him to sleep. That was really nice, as I know it's hard on my mom not having any grandbabies to love up and spoil. Now she spoils G. She was just beaming having him around for Christmas, and to see him open presents, and just be there. It was so nice to see.

He's such a sweet, smart little boy. I have to admit I was in my glory too - he was my little sidekick for those few days. We really took to each other. It's was very easy to get used to having him around.

It was good to see his mom too. She's stepped up to the plate in a way, I will be honest, I never expected. Beyond reasonable expectations. Not only as far as being an attentive and loving mom, but the consideration she shows for others now. She shows understanding of the work others put in now, perhaps because she is now doing it too. But not everybody makes those kinds of positive changes, even when facing what she has, so I think she deserves all the credit for that. She chose to change, and she has. It makes me really happy for her, and for G, and for everyone - there was such a warm, appreciative feel to Christmas this year. Like we were all very aware of our blessings.

 

And very soon I'll get to see my brother for New Years. Get to spend some time in his new home and his new town. I miss him. I haven't seen him for half a year. I know this may sound strange to some people, but it was him that was missing at Christmas. We got talking and I don't think there ever was a Christmas, before this one, where my mom and I and my brother did not make it to spend at least some time together.

 

Then after that, Orthodox Christmas with my bf. He grew up celebrating it on top of 'regular' Christmas, so we'll make a special time of that and celebrate everything then. We opted this way because it was the way for us both to see our families, and since it's our first Christmas together, and because my family is - well, once you are in you are IN so I tend to be slow and cautious with bringing anyone I am with to family events - I think it's more than okay to do it this way. Also, my bf hasn't gotten excited about Christmas for a long time he tells me, and I'm someone who gets excited every year lol, so we both agreed this would be a good way for me to ease him into the Christmas spirit again without overwhelming him with it (and if he were around for all of it, he would be!). He's gotten into it, I can tell, even if he doesn't want to admit it... I've been getting texts and him dropping comments with a little smile on his face about "oh and you know what else I used to love about Christmas? and we have to do?" it's quite cute. He's done a lot and been celebrating with me without even thinking he was. haha.

 

Work and some alone time tomorrow. It looks like a tornado went through my place, so it's much needed.

[itsallgrand]

Last night I felt lonely, and I very rarely feel that way. I was just very aware of my alone ness last night. And over the years, how much time I've spent alone. I started to wonder if I had not just got very good at covering that feeling up, when I would feel it. Because I honestly could not remember the last time I felt like that.

[itsallgrand]

Felt like that: being alone but not wanting to be. Feeling vulnerable because of it. These feelings feel different.

[itsallgrand]

I don't want to be ' left alone' nearly as much as I used to. That's why I think This has been less about my introversion, which is a part of me, and more about the issues I've carried. Well, it's more like snow suit now, compared to a full metal outfit lol

[IAmFCA]

Felt like that: being alone but not wanting to be. Feeling vulnerable because of it. These feelings feel different.

 

I have felt something like this myself, most recently before Christmas. Definitely different... something about isolation versus connection?