Fiance left me after 9 years - 8 together 1 engaged...

[Cooper1607308758]

I guess the reason I am still entertaining the idea is that I understand she bugged out. While your reasoning is pretty concrete, I.E. rescinding on a pretty enormous promise, I have been told from several people who are married that they indeed broke up before they got married, two of them were engaged.

 

Will that be my case? Who knows. You never know unless you try though. And although I haven't tried yet, I may. Internet forums are great for advice and reading varying perspectives, which I appreciate to the fullest. In reality though, the decision will come from my gut.

 

edit: I also would like to say I appreciate the dose of reality though!

[Cooper1607308758]

Well after debating for a week or whatever about meeting up I am deciding against it. camus154s post really hit home and my logical self is taking over. I really appreciate the forum and advice like that. Your emotions get in the way of logic when you are in a situation like this and it's great to have logical brains on ENA. Now i guess its really time for NC eh?

[Cooper1607308758]

Just wanted to updated here. I hate when threads just end. I am still in NC and living life. Met a few nice ladies, got a few numbers. Nothing even close to series, more like good bar nights. I grabbed a new guitar and am just indulging in myself right now. Time is certainly a healer. Unfortunately I got laid off from my job today. I am going to chalk 2012 up to a year of change. Oh well! Bend like the reeds in the wind. I am very grateful I have a lot of good friends that welcome me with open arms, even after kind of neglecting them over the last decade. Keep it real eNA.

[annie24]

Sorry to hear about the job. I hope things go your way soon! Glad to hear you are getting out there!

[Cooper1607308758]

Sorry to hear about the job. I hope things go your way soon! Glad to hear you are getting out there!

 

thanks for the kind words annie. I attribute a lot of my progress to my great family and friends, they are an absolute blessing.

 

Well, today I got a job! Same career path in marketing. I mean that was fast! I just figured I would update here to show everyone never give up, you NEVER know what is around the corner. I hope this is the start of my upward trajectory.

[Cooper1607308758]

This is a very long post as it sums up August -February. Sorry. Some people will read it though.

 

 

 

So, as I mentioned months ago, I do not like when threads just end without, well, an ending. This is not an ending, but more so an update. An update on my life.

 

A year ago today I had my surgery, which was 1 week after my ex informed me she wanted to go on a "Break." Funny how it was really just a spineless way to break up, but at the time and with the amount of trust I had for her I understood. Or perhaps I convinced myself I understand. We need a break, sure, I mean she would of just dumped me if she wanted to - why ask for a break. Well people ask for a break because they are spineless, cowardly and immature. If someone ever drops the break line on you, run, run as far and as fast as you can.

 

So I will try my best to get this into some sort of chronological order, but if I ramble, please excuse me.

 

Sometime in August I went camping with a ton of friends - Im talking 30+ people were there. We camped out, went rafting on the Delaware. It was fantastic. While my mind was preoccupied with this I started to enjoy life a little more and perhaps realize that not all was lot in my break up/wedding cancellation. I would cite this as the start of a turn around, a very very small start.

 

I started to acquire old friends back, old good friends. Friends that I abandoned a decade ago or so when I started dating my ex. People I neglected and forgot about accepted me with open arms. Inviting me to parties, out to the bars, anywhere really. It felt and still feels really good.

 

Towards the end of August I ran into my ex at the Mini Cooper dealership on a random Saturday morning. I couldn't believe my eyes. There was one seat in this entire dealership and it was next to her. I quietly sat down and didn't say hi for a few minutes while I gathered myself. I said a friendly hello, how are you and we exchanged small talk. After a few minutes she went into reading her kindle and stopped communicating. When her car was done and I saw her get up to leave I felt like I had to do something.

 

I went outside and caught her about to leave and asked if she would like to go out to lunch with me. The most uncomfortable look graced her face. She told me that she didn't think it was a good idea.It did't feel right to her. I said alright and my chest burned so bad. She got in and drove off. That was the second to last time I saw her.

 

The next month when batman came out, I sent her a message asking her to go to the movies with me (we were big movie watchers). She said she'd think about it. Promising I thought! It was way colder of a response than I expected. In hindsight she just said it so I would stop talking to her. When I tried to set up a time with her the next week she told me she went with a bunch of people from work.

 

She became a big drinker/partyer, sleeping on random peoples couches, drinking all the time - always at the bar. Hangs out with people almost 10 years her age. I knew I would have to go full fledged NC with her soon, but somehow I couldn't bring myself to do it.

 

Eventually I messaged her again ( i know i know) and she basically told me that I have to stop talking to her.

She said: We were never friends so we don't have to talk. She found a 30 year old guy who is an engineer who is exciting. He is friends with all her new older friends and her hair dresser. She goes on to tell me that adult relationships are different than what we had. I said we'll than should I just stop talking to you? And she said "well, yeah."

 

Jump to thanksgiving eve and its a major bar night in town. I do not run into her this night. She gets wind that I will be at a certain bar and she decides to show up there. I at the last minute changed where I was going. Since my friend is the bar tender he texted me to say she was there. My brother and sister were at this bar. (These are people she has known for a decade. Future inlaws.) My sister told me my ex and her friends stared her down hardcore and wouldn't stop giving her dirty looks. This upset me a lot. My sister adored my ex as her future sister in law and would be so thoughtful when picking gifts for her birthday and christmas. I was very upset at my ex for grilling down my sister and not saying a word.

 

That same week I total my new 2012 Mini cooper S on the thruway.

 

Randomly in December I go out to a bar with a very good friend of mine. I am started to get my flow back, chatting to girls, old high school friends and just random bar patrons. I turn to my side and there she is. My ex-fiance. We may eye contact for a second or two, no facial expressions. She looks away and then does a 180 and goes in the direction she was coming from. This would be the last time I have ever seen my ex. This would also be the last time we spoke.

 

After this I had to text her to ask why, after 10 years, she couldn't even utter a friendly hello to me. We went through highschool, college and years post college eating, travelling and sleeping in the same bed for so long. And now, Im not even acknowledged by her.

 

So far its been apprx 3 Months NC. I will never speak to her again. Her email is block, her phone number is block, shes removed/blocked on facebook as well as her family who I absolutely adored. I miss her family more than I missed anyone I've ever had in my life.

 

 

But Im strong now. I am the strongest I have ever been. The amount of love from my family and friends is so awesome. I cannot believe how many people love me and appreciate me. I was blind to it while I was in a relationship. I go to the gym now, picked snowboarding back up, ride my street bike when weather permits and grabbed an even nicer brand new Mini. I go through bad days at times.

 

I always wonder how someone could be your best friend and just abandon you without looking back. How can someone be ready to get married and then have a new boyfriend 4-6 months later. I would never be able to do that. I supposed I was raised traditionally or something. I have gone on dates with a few girls, hooked up with some more. It's nice, I never really dated since i met my ex at 16. I am very proud to be a single 26 year old guy. I think I am about to enter my prime and will find a good woman, not a girl like my ex.

 

To everyone who is going through a break up, it always gets better in time. Its that easy. You don't want to believe it because your so used to wanting and receiving instant results in this society. But, Believe it. Give yourself time. Time heals everything. I am not fully healed, but a year later I am well on my way there. I have no urge to jump into a relationship. I am discovering myself, my personality, who I am, where I want to go and why I want to do things. I am learning to love myself. If I think of anything else to write Ill throw some edits in here.

 

Thanks ENA, I have lurked all these months and each and everyone of you here has helped me. There were times where I though the only thing I could do was to end it. That is never the answer and it is not a solution. The strength a terrible breakup gives you is priceless. You can't buy it, you can't get it else where.

[annie24]

Big hugs. Thanks for the update. I hope your ex is enjoying her nice new "adult" life. bah.

 

I think you are doing really well, so chin up!! keep doing all the great things you are doing. you'll find someone much better in the future.

[abitbroken]

That is a great update - that you are getting along without her. Sounds like things are going great for you. You might get to the point where you don't think your ex is a rotten woman - rather, you weren't right for eachother in the end. And you are happy she let you go to meet the love of your life.

[Eowyn]

My heart is breaking as I read this, because I also lost my best friend, who happened to be my fiance. That was 9 mos now and we are broaching the prospect of reconciliation, but I am so hurt and scared, but when I see him I forget all that and we laugh and laugh and hug and hug. Its not the fiance part that breaks my heart, its my best friend.

[ErikSifu]

thanks for such a great post ...... You have given me hope that it will get better with time .. Similar situation here, almost 5 years together , engaged for 2... She gave me the ring back and i was devasted .. Im 7 months out and even tho things have gotten better im still in pain everyday

[Stay_home]

You and your ex were really young at the time you were both engaged, although you had been together for nine years. But a great majority of those years were spent together when you were both teenagers. That's not a bad thing but the reality is that because of the fact that you both got serious so young, she never had a chance to grow up. So she doesn't appreciate you right now.

[metrogirl]

I love reading updates. Too often these threads go dead and we are left wondering, whatever happened to.........?

 

Glad you are living life.

[2bcome1]

Good for you cooper,

I feel the same way as you about my ex,they ain't worth 5hit anymore.

Drive that cooper S into the sunset on the highway of life.

Great update.

Good luck mate.

[Cooper1607308758]

Thanks for the kind words. I notice myself go hours now without thinking about her, never an entire day though. It sometimes saddens me when I realize how I am forgetting about her. She must have already done that, but it must not have bothered her. It bothers me on a certainly level because there are things I experienced only with her, and it's almost like those memories aren't real anymore.

 

I really value relationships with people, so this entire event has really changed me as a person. I don't know if I have changed for the better, but I have changed. I do not want this to make me bitter, I was too happy-go-lucky and kind. I do not want that to leave me.

 

I do get that people so young change, and they don't last. I don't think she will ever really appreciate what we had, especially when she jumped into a relationship a few months after ending our engagement.

 

One of the things that still stings me to this day is one of the last things she said to me. She said "Cooper, Sometimes you just have to be selfish in life."

 

But I am strong. I am kind. I love deep. I cherish things and I do not quit. I can never regret ending this engagement as it was not me who did it. I do not have to live with that. I have to live with myself. I am becoming the best self I have ever seen. I am not there yet, but I am getting closer everyday. I am in no rush to date anyone, but not because I am bitter, but because I want to live with myself for a while. Who am I? What do I want to do here with my time on Earth? What can I accomplish? I do not need validation from anyone who doesn't value me. As long as I value myself, the world is mine.

[diamond78]

Thank you for updating us. I can tell you are a great guy and one day you will be rewarded with someone just as wonderful as you are....Please always check in and let us know how you're doing. I wish you many blessings in life!

[Cooper1607308758]

Thanks for that diamond.

 

Some weird happenstances occurred in the last few days. I'm not sure to chalk them up to coincidence or something else.

 

On St paddys day I ended up running into my exs aunt and cousin. Strange because they are not from my town. I was surprised to see them. I said hello and gave then kisses on the cheek.

 

We exchanged small talk and things like that. I didn't ask about my ex nor did they say anything about her. I went off with my friends and when I went to leave saw them again kissed them and left. It was very random. I don't think my ex was there as she was probably with her new boyfriend or something.

 

I am trying to change jobs slash move to the pacific northwest, hopefully at the same time. I have a "marketing" job alert set on indeed for new york Portland and Seattle.

 

This morning I opened my e-mail and click the new york jobs. Boom. Three job alerts in and its a job alert for my exs position at her company. She left her job. Its a small company so I know 100% she left. It kinda just confused me so much. Why am I being subjected to that? Why do I have to know she left her job when I blocked every communication method possible?

 

Is this the universe messing with me or just the coincidences of life?

[Cooper1607308758]

I kinda want to email her or a something .

[Ms Darcy]

I think it just means that she's in the world and that you are in the world. You are both still alive and it doesn't hurt to continue in, doing your own thing.

 

Do you think you are over her?

[Cooper1607308758]

I'm not completely over her but I'm well on my way for sure.

[Cooper1607308758]

Okay well I emailed her. I said how I saw her family and the thing about her job. She said she's laving her job but not yet. She has to train whoever they hire. She said thanks for thinking about her. I felt kind of happy to talk to her and wanted to catch up. I asked to go walk around the lake and she respectfully declined saying its not a good idea. She stopped answering then.

 

Do I regret emailing? Somewhat. I do feel better because I feel like I released a lot of pent up negative aggression that NC has created. I don't think well ever get back together or be friends again.

[Ms Darcy]

Good she declined. I think she knows that would set you back.

[Cooper1607308758]

I wasn't trying to go beg her back but rather become cordial with someone who was very significant in my life. I just don't get how I amount to nothing now. I will never understand that. I don't think she conciously made the decision to not meet me as to not set me back, but just because she doens't want to go backwards and has some 30 year old dude taking care of her. I am a burden of the past.

[Cooper1607308758]

Do you think this make me look like a weak fool and that her and her boyfriend are just laughing at me? I am just trying to be a nice human being.

 

I extended an olive branch and she kind of just broke it.

[ygritte]

Sometimes I think the universe has a warped sense of humour, after my ex and I broke up (devastated after finding out he was cheating on me yet again!) I too had made sure I had done all I could to make sure I couldn't come in contact with him. After a few months when I was just starting to feel a little better, within the space of 72 hours I had to look after his ex wife, his stepbrother and his gran in hospital (non related admissions) To top it all off, his mother (who was in with his gran) burst out crying when she saw me as she was going through her own relationship troubles and I found myself having to comfort her.

 

 

 

I don't think it makes you look like a fool, I think it merely shows that you are much more mature than she.

However, I would say, remember how this makes you feel, and I don't mean that in a horrible way, next time you are tempted to reach out to her, think about this most recent experience. She has moved on and isn't looking back, you are moving on and doing really great from what your update says, but you keep hoping for something from her that she is not capable of giving, it is not a reflection on you, it is a reflection on her.

[2bcome1]

Hey Cooper,

It doesn't make you look a weak fool atall mate.

It just confirm's that you are a good bloke which i knew you were anyway.

Although while she is preoccupide with the other guy anything you say or try to do with her will fall on deaf ear's as she has him to fall back on.

I know why you did it mate,it's because your not fully over her.

Make sure you learn from it and you will be ok.