Slept with My Brother in Law

[sfindependent]

i think we've established how awful, evil, whatever she's done.

 

this is an advice website,not a persecute the person who's asking for advice.

 

asking for advice here on enot doesn't give anyone the permission to just consistently badger that person with their judgement. i don't know, that's just my two cents. this is the second post i've made in a few weeks wherein people tend to do more judging than helping. If you're not gonna help, why even waste your energy on hurting someone who's already hurt?

 

I'm sure if anyone of us had a big enough problem, we can do a little bit better without the judging. get it together, folks.

[sfindependent]

Dude she slept with her husband's brother. If she isn't the worst of the worst in terms of cheaters, I seriously don't know who is. That is just plain awful.

 

not to calling you out on just your post staple, it's just an example of my point... where in this "advice", was the advice?

 

sorry staple.

[Glowguy]

I'm sure if anyone of us had a big enough problem, we can do a little bit better without the judging. get it together, folks.

 

That person fully deserves to be judged for what she did. People who do bad things are perceived poorly - that's part of life. Anyone who justifies or rationalizes that kind of behavior has some serious issues of their own. What kind of advice did you offer to help? Sometimes people need a major wake-up call before they realize how destructive their actions are.

[Donovan79]

I tried to find something objective to say back to her, but what do you say? I used to not believe it, but I'm starting to realize that there are lines in this world, that once crossed, cannot be uncrossed. F#%&ing your husband's brother is one of them. If you try to be understanding of that and forgive it and help her, then where is the line? If someone comes on here and admits that they tortured animals or actually killed someone, should everyone try to be understanding as well?

[90_hour_sleep]

I tried to find something objective to say back to her, but what do you say? I used to not believe it, but I'm starting to realize that there are lines in this world, that once crossed, cannot be uncrossed. F#%&ing your husband's brother is one of them. If you try to be understanding of that and forgive it and help her, then where is the line? If someone comes on here and admits that they tortured animals or actually killed someone, should everyone try to be understanding as well?

 

opinion...

 

i think there is a distinction between understanding and tolerating. i don't think you need abandon understanding, compassion, forgiveness, etc. because you find someone's actions reprehensible...intolerable. that is the line. there are very clear boundaries. i don't condone this behavior. i won't tolerate this behavior. but i will do my best to see the bigger perspective...to curb my hostile judgements...and to see the person behind the actions, and not just the actions. empathy is hard...but that doesn't make it worthless. even in these kinds of circumstances.

 

forgiveness isn't for other people. it's for those who feel wounded. it's a path out of the swells of negativity. you're not giving anything to someone you forgive. he/she has his/her own forgiveness to find. when someone acknowledges shame, regret, guilt, remorse, (essentially any inclination towards 'wrongness') etc., what that person needs above all else is a gentle hand to help guide the way to self-forgiveness. negative reinforcement creates more problems than it solves.

 

it's always a choice. i can abandon my desire for understanding. but what do i gain from condemning someone with my judgments? do i gain anything by a feeling of justified righteousness? and does that serve any purpose? who am i to say what another person deserves or doesn't deserve? it's a slippery slope. we are all of us infallible creatures...and when we condemn another, we condemn a part of ourselves at the same time.

[sfindependent]

i didnt give an advice or anything because i didnt agree nor condone her behavior at all. i dont have any advice for her. i wouldnt even know what to do...did she do the wrong thing? yes. despite my personal opinions regarding her actions, what i was pointing out was, whats the point of having a website with the idea of helping others when the only thing we do is judge them? this isnt "ejudge: post your problems here so we can judge you freely". her actions towards her marriage and her family surely has been extremely poor, but i just felt that a lot of responses (not everyone's) lacked a certain direction. i dont have advice to give nor empathy for her actions towards her husband, but if i would ever have a problem that i'm regretful of doing and want to get other people's advice on how to fix it, i would hesitate a bit. i went on here to sort of escape and have anonimity from the shame of my sins... matter of fact i'd be naive to think that i wouldnt get shamed here at all. but at least if u would be giving an opinion, give something to help a bit too.

[Donovan79]

I'm not disagreeing with either of you. If you look at my first post in this thread I only said it looks like she only has two options, neither great, and has to weigh a few things in deciding them.

 

I just think most people went with the "you're selfish" route because there's only so much advice she can get in this situation. The best way out of this really is "Admit you screwed up, find a safe way to tell your husband, get some counseling, hope he forgives you in time, and if not try to be strong and start over and never make such a mistake again." Even that is not great advice but there's only so much you can say here.

[Glowguy]

I can see why people reacted the way they did (me included). The tone of the OP is insulting to most people. She didn't display the slightest bit of accountability and basically came on here blaming her husband. Her attitude touched a nerve with a lot of people here. It's really almost pointless to offer advice to someone in that mindset although most of us did try. There isn't any good outcome here and she is gone anyway so this thread might as well be closed now.

[rahulrocks]

Yeah, I get your point. The only thing i am concerned here is, when someone has done something which is a heinous crime in the eyes of the society and if that person is coming for some sort of help then that itself is an indication that the criminal wants to improve the situation. Now the best that can be done here is try to help that person instead of labelling them as criminals.....that does not help the situation you see....It only makes us feel superior then the other person...

[rahulrocks]

I completely agree with you sfindependent. We are here not to judge but to help in whatever way we can.

 

i think we've established how awful, evil, whatever she's done.

 

this is an advice website,not a persecute the person who's asking for advice.

 

asking for advice here on enot doesn't give anyone the permission to just consistently badger that person with their judgement. i don't know, that's just my two cents. this is the second post i've made in a few weeks wherein people tend to do more judging than helping. If you're not gonna help, why even waste your energy on hurting someone who's already hurt?

 

I'm sure if anyone of us had a big enough problem, we can do a little bit better without the judging. get it together, folks.

[rahulrocks]

Loved your post.....

[rahulrocks]

I remember a story of the times of christ.......

 

There was some prostitute and she was running away from people, all were throwing stones at her....then she came accross christ. When people saw christ they asked him to step aside as they wanted to punish the ciminal.

Christ said ok you can throw stones at her but the first stone should be thrown by the person who has never committed a crime in his life.....

 

and we all know that there was no body...

 

Morale Hate the crime not the criminal....The criminal is one of us, but because of weakness of mind he has gone wrong somewhere in his conduct. Do we kill an ill person because he is ill, or we try to cure that person. And the way of cure is that of care and affection..

[Seraphim]

What advice could be given in this case?? Really?? Think about it. The only advice is tell your husband and batten down the hatches because it is going to be the ugliest storm you have ever seen.

[SkinnyGirl1981]

Thank you to everyone that has responded, and thank you those who have tried to curb the hositility. To anyone who thinks that i am not remorse full, you are sadly mistaken. I would give anything to rewind and undo what I have done. I was not, and do not make excuses for my actions. We all have made mistakes, yes mine is more hideous than most, but I am sure that we have all been in a situtaiton that we wished we could undo.

 

I have spoken to my brother-in-law, and he will not say anything to my husband. He says that he loves me too much to hurt me like that. I also told him that it was over, which didn't end well, as he said without me what was the point of living. I am sure that it was more of a drama play than anything serious, but still makes this much harder. He also said that he respected my opinoin, but wasn't going to stop trying. I am avoiding all of his calls, emails, texts, etc. This becomes more difficult as we have about 3 family gatherings in the next week, but I am taking one day at a time.

 

Thanks again for all of your help.

 

 

I have also brought my dissatisfication up again to my husband, who promises that he will work on it again.....

[Donovan79]

The brother-in-law sounds dangerous, SG. Good luck in making it work but please tread cautiously.

[Huntress0527]

It's going to come out even though he is telling you otherwise. This is ticking bomb that is going to blow up.

[Ferrero]

Very tricky situation... this should not have not happened in the first place but okay it's happened cant go back in time. This is your husband's brother and he will always be in your life as longer as you are married to your husband. If you break it off with your brother in law, be careful that he doesnt blackmail you into sleeping with him. The truth always comes out. If you dont tell your husband there will come a time when your brother in law may tell him. Blood is thicker than water and if yur brother in law wants you to leave your husband and you dont, he may use the fact that you slept with him to break you guys up anyway.

You need to firstly admit to your self that you have broken a vow to be loyal to your husband, that vow that you took on your wedding day. Look we all human and we make mistakes. Im not here to judge you. but it was a vow that was broken. Sure you have needs, we all do but did you try talking to your husband first about the problem, did you consult a therapist? There may have been many reasons for him not being able to meet your needs.

 

You need to sit down and think very carefully about the decision you going to make.

Option 1: End things with your brother in law and run the risk of him telling your husband and losing your marriage

Option 2: Come clean with your husband and admit it was wrong but you may still risk losing you marriage

Option 3: Come clean with your husband, admit it was a mistake and he may appreciate the fact that you came clean and try to work through it with you.

Option 4; End things with your brother in law and pray he doesnt ever say anything ever.

 

Chose your option wisely.

[rahulrocks]

I am afraid that you will have to tell your husband about it as soon as possible. If you do not do that then you will always be in a kind of pressure and anxiety from your husband's brother. I know this would destroy atleast one relationship, either you and your husband or your husband and his brother. I believe your husband's brother is equally responsible for this act and he desreves no mercy from your husband. See its better to live a life where you have faced the consequences of your deeds rather then waiting on for the consequences which are bound to come. So summon up your courage and tell your husband.

[journeynow]

He also said that he respected my opinoin, but wasn't going to stop trying

This seems contradictory from him. If he respects YOU, he would NOT keep trying. Also, if he respects his brother (your husband) he would not keep trying. I even think if he respected himself he would not keep trying.

 

I have also brought my dissatisfication up again to my husband, who promises that he will work on it again.....

You might need to approach this more positively, making it a joint experiment, making new approaches yourself. In other words, don't make it a big vague problem for him to solve, but experiment with ideas with him, take small steps with him, show him, make it fun and joyful for him.

 

However...

 

I am afraid that you will have to tell your husband about it as soon as possible. If you do not do that then you will always be in a kind of pressure and anxiety from your husband's brother. I know this would destroy atleast one relationship, either you and your husband or your husband and his brother. I believe your husband's brother is equally responsible for this act and he desreves no mercy from your husband. See its better to live a life where you have faced the consequences of your deeds rather then waiting on for the consequences which are bound to come. So summon up your courage and tell your husband.

Think hard about this. I imagine your husband will find out about this at some point...don't you want him to hear about if from you first?

[Moontiger]

Get ready for some harsh, honest opinion: So, not only are you going to cheat on your husband but ALSO lie to him my not telling him what happened. How much more disrespectful can you get?

 

The only reason to not tell your husband is because you don't want to deal with the consequence of your actions. It 100% selfish, you can say your feel guilty but until you have to face real life consequence you can just go about your merry life. Oh, how hard for you (read sarcasm).

 

And, what happens when your husband starts to notice how strange you and his brother act, when he notices all of the text and phone calls, and HOW can you trust the word of the person who slept with his brother wife? Yes, he claims he won't say anything but in a year or two when he gets more desperate to be with you and wants to see his brother out of the picture, guess what his ace card is?

 

Put on your big girl pants and do the right thing. Confessing is the only way to show you have any integrity as a human being at this point.

[Scotcha]

He also said that he respected my opinoin, but wasn't going to stop trying. I am avoiding all of his calls, emails, texts, etc.

 

It wasn't your "opinion" to end things with him... You ended things with him yet he simply considers that "your opinion"? He then informed you that he's not going to give up. And look at what you've had to avoid already... This has the potential to get dangerous and he sounds like a loose cannon. This isn't a secret he will keep for long if it doesn't serve him well...

[metrogirl]

I wonder if there will be an update where the BIL tells the family they bumped uglies. YIKES..

[abitbroken]

 

I have also brought my dissatisfication up again to my husband, who promises that he will work on it again.....

 

What exactly are you saying to him? How are you stating it? And are you trying things yourself, such as talking about taking the tv out of the bedroom Surprising your husband once in awhile by being in lingerie when he comes home and having the daughter at a friend's house? Or putting flirtatious notes in his lunch or on the mirror he uses to shave in the morning? It will get you out of your old routine.

[Miss Firecracker]

If I did that with my husband's brother, I would never tell it in a million years. I'd probably pack up and move to another country though. I seriously do not know how you will live in that family after doing what you did. But if you can pull that off, more power to you! Good luck.

[tiredofvampires]

I just read through this thread, despite what might have been my better judgement.

 

I was interested to see if there was anywhere any criticism leveled at the brother-in-law for betraying his BROTHER. This is an infidelity-within-marriage thread/forum, and the BIL is not here, so these responses are appropriately directed to the OP. However, I find it pretty interesting that in 8 pages of posts, no one placed an equal share of blame on the BIL for betraying his brother, which I consider as bad as breaking marital vows. When you betray someone with whom you have strong and long-standing emotional ties, to me it really is just as reprehensible regardless of the relationship type.

 

So for the people who keep underlining and bolding "BROTHER", "YOU SLEPT with his BROTHER" -- his brother had a choice in the matter, too. She chose just about the worst person to act on this impulse with, but he was in every way an accomplice to this, so he also CHOSE his sister-in-law to betray his brother with.

 

Only one post alluded to this in passing. It was important enough that it compelled me to post.

 

So while a lot of relationships are going to be wrecked by this, I do not believe that it's entirely fair to say, "You destroyed his relationship with his brother." I'd say that relationship was destroyed in a 3-way -- that is, by 3 people: the OP, her husband (yes, her husband), and his brother.

 

The OP said that there were some bad family dynamics already brewing, so we have to assume that brother and husband were already on pretty bad terms. That is why I say OP's husband was in on that part -- it just was the stuff of poison seeds sown prior. I would imagine that for you to sleep with your brother's wife, and not only that, continue to pursue her even knowing that this was going to continue to violate their marriage, you'd almost have to hate your own blood. Bad blood like this is rarely one-sided (I leave room for the far-fetched possibility that OP's husband, as an innocent, has been senselessly and mercilessly trampled on by his brother.) So I suspect this bad "dynamic" goes back way, way, way, way before the OP came upon the scene.

 

The fact that this BIL says he respects your "opinion", OP, and loves or cares about you too much to do xyz -- but continues to try to seduce you and prey upon you, is to me the very definition of selfish (is it okay/safe to use this word in 3rd person?) This man does not care about you, or your reputation, your family, your marriage -- anything. Because if he did care, he would cease his unrelenting attempts to "have" you, even if he wants you. In fact, he wouldn't have started in the first place (assuming people do have freewill.) When you love someone and care, you do what is best for them -- not what's best for YOU. So I hope we can establish that he doesn't love you or care about your wellbeing, he cares about his obsessive need to possess you being met.

 

Given this state of affairs, when he realizes that he can't have what he wants, you will see the nature of his lack of conscience fully, because you will not be spared. As others have been saying, if you do not tell your husband about this, eventually his brother will. You really would be incredibly naive to think that someone who cares so little for the ties involved wouldn't cut them all in an instant of anger, spite, or hurt.

 

All the rest has been said. I just wanted to present a somewhat different perspective.

 

And to add that sometimes, advice includes telling a person things that may be true and yet very hard to hear. Telling someone, "This is very selfish of you" is the right thing to say, when it points out the nature of what is happening. It shouldn't be ALL you say to someone, but it very well can be part of constructive criticism. You're not doing anyone any favors by sparing them the harsh glare of what a behavior or deed involves. Pointing out to someone that they behaved in a selfish manner is not a character assassination. I know that if I were being selfish, I would see that being pointed out to me as just part of identifying my problem, which is part of getting "advice". If that makes me react violently and defensively -- I'd have to look at whether that reaction was based on learning something true about myself, or whether it was based on feeling unfairly judged. It might be either one, but that's still work that is on ME to have to do. It's not easy being a human being and having to take responsibility for all that comes with that territory.

 

It's important to distinguish judgment (often useful and inescapable) from condemnation (often not useful and avoidable).

 

If I found a ring of truth in someone calling me selfish (or my actions selfish), I'd have the burden of judging myself appropriately, while leaving room not to hang myself in self-hate and shame. Tough thing to do, but either you want to better yourself (and therefore, consider all evaluations if you're asking for help) or you don't.