Slept with My Brother in Law

[FreeFallFeelin]

I actually know another woman who's husband left her, for his own brother's wife, about a year ago! I didn't think anyone else would actually do this too!

 

Consider your relationship with brother in-law completely over, and hope that the other family members don't pick up on the fact that you and the brother in-law had something going (like my friend did with her husband...and then confronted him). No matter what, this is going to end really ugly. And just to reiterate, in case you missed it on other peoples posts, you slept with his BROTHER!

The real tragedy here is that if or when your husband finds out about this, it's going to destroy his relationship with his brother. How will he ever be able to look him in the face again? I mean, if you cheat on him with some random guy it's going to crush him, but at least he'll be able to get over it eventually. I can't imagine how I would feel if my brother did this to me. Death would be a kinder sentence than living life with that baggage.

 

There is a saying that one should always remember in times of temptation - "Don't s**t where you eat."

[Seraphim]

Let me tell you, you are doing the WORST thing to your daughter possible. My father got together with my aunt after he and my mother broke up "to pay her back" for not loving him anymore. He got into the sack with my mom's brother's wife. Because he and my aunt decided to skank around I do not have cousins to this day because they are too embarrassed to face me and THEY did NOTHING wrong. They won't face me and this was over TWENTY years ago!!!My dad raised 3 of my cousins two of which have tried several times to kill themselves. My one cousin got pregnant at 15 and ran away from home. All my uncle's children were destroyed by the act of two selfish selfish disgusting people. What if your daughter gets talked about when she goes to school??? People talk you know. Do you want to destroy your daughter and ALL the relationships in her family??? Do you want to be classed with SCUMMY people like my father??? Put your head on straight for the sake of your daughter.

[Miss Firecracker]

In this particular situation, I believe you should divorce your poor husband. He deserves better than this. Take that nasty secret to the grave and start over.

[kampuniform]

Now that your needs have been met sexually, are you feeling rejuvinated? Feeling spry? Energized?

 

You "...threw a pearl away richer than all your tribe." don't you know.

 

Nothing, absolutley nothing, good will come from this.

[nfusion]

I was resisting the urge to add my 2 cents until you said this.

 

So your husband wasn't satisfying you. You know what an adult does when that's the case in a healthy marriage? They address that issue with the person it involves, not run off to the first person who can meet the need. And just to make this especially sweet, you chose his own brother.

 

Please don't in any way, shape or form try to rationalize your behavior. If you had an issue with your husband, then as his wife you had a duty to address that with him. You failed to do so. That was your choice. Not his, not his brother's, yours.

 

Time to be a big girl and take responsibility for your actions.

 

I agree 100% with Camus154. You should communicate your needs to your husband and if you say you do and nothing comes of it, then you should figure out what you want out of the marriage. It is unjust for you to seek out your needs with someone else just because your husband doesn't give you what you want. Everything is about compromise. All your husbands qualities most likely outweighs this one need, so why do this to him? Put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if you weren't giving your husband what he wanted, so he decided to seek your sister? Doesn't that sound horrible? If sex is that extremely important to you, to the point of cheating on your husband with his own BROTHER, you should let him know the truth if you love him. He deserves that much respect and you frankly, deserve the consequence.....Besides, how will you be able to live with this cheating lie.... anyone with a conscience would eventually tell the truth. Do what's best for your husband, not for you... tell him what you did.

[Jetta]

I think the brother in law will open his mouth at some point and may get it shot off, but you telling him well I don't honestly don't know if that is such a good idea. If it was a stranger I would say keep it to yourself, but a family member!? You have created a huge mess here. A divorce is in your future. If you have a man who could ever forgive such a thing I'd be amazed. The moment he hears this news the marriage ends is my opinion.

 

I told my ex-husband who was trying to reconcile with me that I did have an affair, the reconciliation was over. He no longer looked at me the same way he was initially shocked that I could ever do such a thing, I really should have never said a word but I believed in honesty. Well I have a new belief system now, and won't share that with family or with any future relations that I want to hold dear because it tarnishes everything. New friends do not know, family won't ever know, and mine was with a stranger essentially (an acquaintance friend I've lost contact with). It wasn't worth it, I really messed up myself for doing it, and I am a person who lives and learns the hard way I guess. No boyfriend even if he asks me will ever know that I once cheated because it will affect that relationship as well. So take my experience and think hard about what you do but know honesty is not always the best policy.

[toby17]

You really started it didn't you? I could add my two cents to the moral bandwagon but I won't except to say I don't condone you cheating, and cheating with your husband's brother - well I can't think of any bigger betrayal. However, you didn't ask about that.

 

What to do about your brother-in-law?

 

Talk to him. Tell him kindly but honestly that it has to stop, that he's living in lala land if thinks this could end well. That you were only interested in sex and that while he has great qualities (let's hope) you never allowed yourself to think about him that way.

 

Telling your husband

 

Do I think you should tell him - ABSOLUTELY NOT.

 

People on this forum always suggest this. I can't think of anything that would destroy me more than knowing my partner cheated or worse with my brother. Can you imagine how long it will take him to deal with it. Why should he have to go through the emotional turmoil that is the result of your bad judgment. Even being selfish in bed isn't cause for sleeping with his brother.

 

Selfish in bed

 

You say your husband is only selfish in bed? I'm sorry but i find that hard to believe. If he was really a great guy then he'd want to satisfy you.

 

How did you address the sex issue anyway? Have you insisted that you be satisfied? When he get's up to leave, do you say

hey, we're not done here, in case you didn't notice I didn't come!

 

Next Steps

 

I think you should consider whether you really should stay in a marriage where the sex is crap because sex is an important part of a relationship.

 

I also think it would be fair to your husband not to continue to be unknowingly in a relationship with someone who is cheating/has cheated on him with his brother.

 

Suggest you:

- talk to your brother in law immediately and tell him kindly and gently you don't feel the same

- break it off with your brother-in-law but be civil and friendly because you don't want him lashing out and telling your husband

 

Suggest you also:

- tell your husband the sex is crap and needs to change

- leave your husband (and you might even promise your brother-in-law that you would do so if he'll keep quiet).

[abitbroken]

I totally understand what you both are saying, and I don't disagree that what I did was wrong. I am sorry, the selfish word hit a nerve.

 

I have talked to my husband about this, many, many, many times. Nothing changes. He is the sweetest kindest most caring person in every other aspect of life, except for sex. And I know, that isn't an excuse.

 

Saying "i want better sex" doesn't cut it . Sending the child to a relative's or hiring a babysitter and going on a little get away at the local B&B or far away where no one knows you and you can act crazy is more like it. Decided to be available when your husband comes home to listen to how his day was helps cut it. Making sure you do not leave eachother's company for the day without a kiss and a hug starts to cut things and change things. Quickie sex during the day helps livens things up. It doesn't happen overnight.

 

I think that you should have thought of your daughter before you slept with HER UNCLE. Now, it is not just that your husband has to decide if he wants to stay married to you, but the whole family may turn on you, and that would be very bad for your daughter. A father that does not speak to his own brother, grandparents and aunts and uncles that don't speak to her mother. I suspect years of therapy for her if she is old enough to understand what is going on. Hopefully, you will keep the information "among adults" but she will find out eventually someday.

 

I agree with that you have to absolutely tell your husband about this. The alternative is to talk to the brother and break it off and see if he is willing to keep it a secret, but like another poster says "pay now or pay later" - the brother will talk when he is angry and it will all come out, or your marriage will crumble because your husband senses your distance. Or you won't be able to stand yourself - and feel blackmailed all your life and walking on eggshells wondering when the brother is going to tell and tell he will. The only two real alternatives here are you telling your husband, or him hearing it from his brother - both won't end well, but at least you know if you tell him that he will have only the truth. And its liberating to tell the truth.

[_hotstuff_]

Any man who doesn't pleasure his woman properly (or worse, doesn't even try) should expect to be cheated on.

 

Not with his own brother though.

[resilient7]

the chance that your husband is going to forgive you is bigger if he hears it from you

 

agree.......

[90_hour_sleep]

you're not a horrible person.

 

you're a regular person stuck in the middle of horrible circumstances. what you should have done is now irrelevant. own your mistakes and move forward as best you can.

[toby17]

Any man who doesn't pleasure his woman properly... should expect to be cheated on.

 

I agree

 

Not with his own brother though.

 

Ditto

[journeynow]

Any man who doesn't pleasure his woman properly (or worse, doesn't even try) should expect to be cheated on.

 

I've never heard that in any marriage vows, but maybe it's been added....

[Mercurial Girl]

I've never heard that in any marriage vows, but maybe it's been added....

 

That would explain a lot wouldn't it?!

 

EXPECT to be cheated on? Geez

[Donovan79]

Hahaha... you slept with his brother. And now there are problems. Who would have seen that coming?!

 

You got two choices:

 

A) Bury it forever and suck up the guilt

 

B) Tell him in the most caring way possible but be prepared for divorce

 

Which one you choose depends on three things:

 

1) How prepared you are to live with a lifetime of guilt

 

2) How well the brother can be made to keep a secret

 

3) Whether your sex needs will ever be met

 

If any one of those three isn't possible you gotta tell him.

[FreeFallFeelin]

Any man who doesn't pleasure his woman properly (or worse, doesn't even try) should expect to be cheated on.

 

Not with his own brother though.

 

 

WOW! ^^^

Any person that doesn't communicate their needs properly (or worse, doesn't even try ...and decides to cheat) should not expect much of anything.

[Donovan79]

I feel really bad about laughing about this.

 

"Baby, can we have sex today?" "No, I'm tired."

"Baby, can we have sex *today*?" "No, I'm not feeling it."

[F$^%s his brother]

 

That third step is a doozy.

[Ms Darcy]

I was resisting the urge to add my 2 cents until you said this.

 

So your husband wasn't satisfying you. You know what an adult does when that's the case in a healthy marriage? They address that issue with the person it involves, not run off to the first person who can meet the need. And just to make this especially sweet, you chose his own brother.

 

Please don't in any way, shape or form try to rationalize your behavior. If you had an issue with your husband, then as his wife you had a duty to address that with him. You failed to do so. That was your choice. Not his, not his brother's, yours.

 

Time to be a big girl and take responsibility for your actions.

 

Totally agree.

 

I totally understand what you both are saying, and I don't disagree that what I did was wrong. I am sorry, the selfish word hit a nerve.

 

I have talked to my husband about this, many, many, many times. Nothing changes. He is the sweetest kindest most caring person in every other aspect of life, except for sex. And I know, that isn't an excuse.

 

Selfish hit a nerve because it is a hard truth to face.

[Scotcha]

Sometimes women cheat (and men too) as a cry for help. That doesn't make it any better though. Infidelity in certain situations can be recovered from if both partners are willing to do the work involved in reparing their relationship... But I don't know how that can be sucessfully done when the affair was with the sibling of your partner. That damages not just your marriage but family as well. I don't see how this can be kept from him, which is unfortunate as I can't imagine the amount of pain that knowing is going to cause him. You have to end things quickly and come clean. And be prepared for the backlash. Whatever reasons you had to justify your behavior, they will sound weak if you try to use them to defend yourself and they can and will be used against you. It would be best to simply express your sorrow and shame for what you did and be prepared to back away until emotions have settled. I hope you can find the courage to handle this with grace.

[Staple]

You are selfish. You didn't just sleep with another person, YOU SLEPT WITH HIS FREAKING BROTHER. Seriously, his BROTHER. Come on. Also, that guy has a hell of a brother.

[rahulrocks]

Common guys.....that girl came here for advice and you all just scared her away. i do not see any post of her after being labelled 'Selfish' by so many. Yes she did a wrong thing, something which could destroy her marriage. But now what, the crime is already committed. Now the only thing tat can be done is 'Damage control'. So what she can do now....Well she will have to tell her husband because if does not do it then her husband's brother would keep stalking her and one day it would come out. So she should tell her husband first and be ready for the consequences (which could be a broken marriage as well). Second thing that she must do is to tell that brother in a straight forward manner that she is no longer going to see him again. This is all she could do I guess..

[Huntress0527]

This will come out. This will not be a secret forever so you might as well clear the air with him yourself rather than have his brother tell him after you dump him. You know that's what will happen. Your husband will probably divorce you but it will mean more coming from you than waiting to hear about it from his brother.

 

You have to take ownership for what you have done.

[Seraphim]

She did more than destroy a marriage. She destroyed a family.

[LDRohnos]

Hey, she was asking for advice on a situation she knew was going to be a huge problem. Yes, she was bashed over and over, but this is the way the internet and in particular, posting works.

 

This isn't a flowing conversation, at best it's a disjointed commentary. Thirty people all giving their 2 cents...so she's going to "hear" it over and over again because of this. If you post a thread on a message board, nobody cares what someone said on page two necessarily (especially if it's a long thread), they're going to type what THEY think regardless if it was said 50 times already.

 

Yes, someone could have posted selfish and then 30 people could have just typed "agree" under it. It doesn't work that way. I always tell people, if you want to socialize and talk to people over the internet, either you better put on a shell or develop one really quickly. I usually try my best NOT to repeat what someone else already said in a thread, or at best just say "I agree with the above".

 

At any rate, I agree with all of the above.

[Staple]

Dude she slept with her husband's brother. If she isn't the worst of the worst in terms of cheaters, I seriously don't know who is. That is just plain awful.