I need some advice about my situation

[Anusha]

I was thinking about what exactaly pissed me of so much about this situation.And I realized is because I felt betrayed and played.I really was trying to be nice to him by ofering to give up on sueing him and just talking things trough and in return he pulled the disapiering act on me.Is like I tried to give him something good and got crap in return.

[annie24]

there's nothing to talk about. there's nothing to talk through, and there's no basis for a lawsuit.

[Capricorn3]

I realized is because I felt betrayed and played..

The whole point is that you were betrayed and played from the outset. From the very beginning, when you first got involved with him, you were being played. This last event wasn't any different in any way. As for sueing him, you wouldn't have been successful because YOU gave everything willingly, it was your choice to give what you did and even after dozens of people telling you not to do so, you went right ahead and continued giving him money etc.

[Anusha]

The whole point is that you were betrayed and played from the outset. From the very beginning, when you first got involved with him, you were being played. This last event wasn't any different in any way. As for sueing him, you wouldn't have been successful because YOU gave everything willingly, it was your choice to give what you did and even after dozens of people telling you not to do so, you went right ahead and continued giving him money etc.

 

I guess you are right,that was how he always acted and maybe it was my own fault to expect that this time would be diferent.But I really though that if I did something nice to him he would be nice to me too in return,but as you can see I was wrong.And I gave him the money cause I though he cared for me,I was deluded.If I was aware that he was on it just for the money and didnt care for me a bit I wouldnt have done so.

[Capricorn3]

But I really though that if I did something nice to him he would be nice to me too in return,but as you can see I was wrong.And I gave him the money cause I though he cared for me,I was deluded.If I was aware that he was on it just for the money and didnt care for me a bit I wouldnt have done so.

We all told you over and over again, that it was clear he was only using you and that you should stop giving him money and being nice to him as it was obvious he didn't love you or wanted a relationship with you. We told you time and time again that you were trying to buy his love and it wouldn't work because it was clear (to all of us) that he was involved with someone else. Nothing changed. NO matter how nice you were, or how much money you gave him, he never changed, he was never nice back and he took you for a ride. Yes, you were played, but you persisted in carrying on, even when you were warned, you had months and months of red flags, months and months or people telling you to leave. You ignored it all and went ahead. Then you eventually found out the truth, that he is actually married, and even then that still didn't stop you.

 

Maybe NOW you can finally let it all go, leave him alone and move on?

[Batya33]

I guess you are right,that was how he always acted and maybe it was my own fault to expect that this time would be diferent.But I really though that if I did something nice to him he would be nice to me too in return,but as you can see I was wrong.And I gave him the money cause I though he cared for me,I was deluded.If I was aware that he was on it just for the money and didnt care for me a bit I wouldnt have done so.

 

What you did wasn't nice because it interfered with his marriage and it wasn't meant to be nice but to get his approval and attention. Not nice. When you didn't know he was married and gave him money that was a nice gesture but not done from a position of confidence and health -you did it to buy his love and attention, right?

[Anusha]

What you did wasn't nice because it interfered with his marriage and it wasn't meant to be nice but to get his approval and attention. Not nice. When you didn't know he was married and gave him money that was a nice gesture but not done from a position of confidence and health -you did it to buy his love and attention, right?

 

I dont know,it can be deep inside but to me I was just trying to help him.I would give him money cause I felt sorry for him to not have enough for his expenses and just was trying to help.And when I ofered him to give up to sue him if he contacted me to explain what happened I really was willing to do it.I didnt like how things ended with both angry at each other and just wanted to make it good again.Anyway maybe it was my own fault it all got screwed.Maybe if I had let it like that and just waited for him to contact me instead of keep calling every week he wouldnt have disaperied.Or maybe he just felt tricked when I mentioned going out again and thought that was the real reason why I asked him to contact me and that I had just fooled him with the offer to not sue him.

[penelope13]

I hope you realize somehow that 'agreeing not to sue him' was not an act of kindness or something nice, but a form of blackmail to keep him in your life as your pretend boyfriend.

 

Your interaction with him on both sides was truly toxic. You need to realize that and put it behind you.

[Batya33]

He lied to you but your lying to yourself and then reacting to those lies by interfering in his life -well, do you really want to stoop to his level? You'll feel so much better about yourself in the long term if you stop lying to yourself and start behaving appropriately. Maybe not right away but that "right" feeling will creep up on you and take residence in your gut and heart - it's a good feeling. You might feel excited at the prospect of being in contact with him but that's short term and balanced with feeling gross and icky -who wants that?

[Anusha]

He lied to you but your lying to yourself and then reacting to those lies by interfering in his life -well, do you really want to stoop to his level? You'll feel so much better about yourself in the long term if you stop lying to yourself and start behaving appropriately. Maybe not right away but that "right" feeling will creep up on you and take residence in your gut and heart - it's a good feeling. You might feel excited at the prospect of being in contact with him but that's short term and balanced with feeling gross and icky -who wants that?

 

Im trying but I just cant,I think about all that all day and night and wonder how I can reach him.But day by day he closes all my acess to him.Im not stupid and get all you saying,is just my heart doesnt seem to keep up if you know what I mean.While he was using my money he was always avaliable to me and now he doesnt need me anymore he just throw me away like a empty box? It just doesnt seem fair.

[chitown9]

While he was using my money he was always avaliable to me and now he doesnt need me anymore he just throw me away like a empty box? It just doesnt seem fair.

 

It's not fair, Anusha, but life isn't fair. What you said here is true, he was using your money and he was available to you under those circumstances. Those circumstances have changed and now he won't give you the time of day. He used you, plain and simple. You find this dificult to accept, but you really have no choice. The best thing that you can do is move on from this, and your therapist can assist you with that.

Best wishes to you...chi

[Batya33]

Im trying but I just cant,I think about all that all day and night and wonder how I can reach him.But day by day he closes all my acess to him.Im not stupid and get all you saying,is just my heart doesnt seem to keep up if you know what I mean.While he was using my money he was always avaliable to me and now he doesnt need me anymore he just throw me away like a empty box? It just doesnt seem fair.

 

No trying. You just do it or you don't do it. What you're doing to yourself and others isn't fair either -you're both wrong. Life isn't fair at times but you have the opportunity to do the right thing. "Trying" is meaningless especially when your version of "trying" is to make excuses. You have control over your actions so take the actions that are appropriate and stop making excuses. I promise you'll reap the benefits in one way or another.

[Anusha]

What you're doing to yourself and others isn't fair either -you're both wrong.

 

What you mean by that? What Im doing that isnt fair to others?

[Anusha]

I was thinking something,do you all think that he avoiding me now was something intetional? I mean do you think that maybe something happened that forced him to do that,like for example his wife finding out about our calls(without knowing it was me of course)?

[Capricorn3]

I was thinking something,do you all think that he avoiding me now was something intetional? I mean do you think that maybe something happened that forced him to do that,like for example his wife finding out about our calls(without knowing it was me of course)?

 

Im trying but I just cant.

 

He is avoiding you because he no longer wants to be involved with you in any way. So yes, it's intentional (imo).

 

As for "trying but just can't": There's a German phrase, when translated, means "Can't means don't want to". I believe that to be true. You CAN let it go. You CAN leave him alone, but you don't want to let it go. I think you are hoping and believing that he wants you back and that he loves you etc etc, but it's not going to happen. You are refusing to face reality and are delusional. How much longer are you going to drag this out? Months? Years? Can you not see how much time and energy you are wasting on nothing?

[Anusha]

I guess I just cant acept that he never felt anything for me.No consideration,gratitude,fondness,nothing.How he could stay with me for about one year without feeling anthing just doesnt make sense to me.

 

And I do believe his wife has participation on all that scam.I even considerated that she knew it all along and that would explain why she still continued with him even after my parents told her the whole thing and she found out he was with me for the money.Seriously no woman would acept something like that.Most women wouldnt even acept a cheating husband let alone a husband that be with other women for money.

[penelope13]

why worry about her motives, most women wouldn't accept what you are accepting - focus on that!

[Anusha]

why worry about her motives, most women wouldn't accept what you are accepting - focus on that!

 

Because if she has participation on all that she will pay too.I not even care to get the money back by now,I dont mind to even lose the law suit.At least he will have to spend money with lawyers and have the trouble to go to audiences,that is enough for me.

[Capricorn3]

Because if she has participation on all that she will pay too..

WHY should SHE have to pay for the wrongdoing of others!?? Her husband cheated on HER. YOU were wrong for getting involved with him too. WHY should she pay? That is just so wrong (imo).

 

Also, you would also be paying lawyers fees and even worse, if you lose the case, you pay for BOTH sides (your's and his). You're just shooting yourself in the foot.

 

You seriously need to get a grip. You are out of control. Get help.

[HeartGoesOn]

Seriously no woman would acept something like that.Most women wouldnt even acept a cheating husband let alone a husband that be with other women for money.

 

Anusha, I agree.

 

Yet by the same token, why would you accept this behaviour from another woman's cheating husband? What is it about him that you're attracted to?

[Anusha]

WHY should SHE have to pay for the wrongdoing of others!?? Her husband cheated on HER. YOU were wrong for getting involved with him too. WHY should she pay? That is just so wrong (imo).

 

Also, you would also be paying lawyers fees and even worse, if you lose the case, you pay for BOTH sides (your's and his). You're just shooting yourself in the foot.

 

You seriously need to get a grip. You are out of control. Get help.

 

Once when I talked to her she mentioned a paper that he tricked me to sign saying that all that I gave him was from free will and that he never forced me to do anything.How on earth could she know about that paper? Plus I remember that it was all well written and he writes a lot of words wrongs,what shows clearly that it wasnt him who wrote it or that at least he had help on that.So after she said that it was clear who helped him I asked how she knew about it she said she found it on his bag but I didnt buy it.I very much suspect that she helped him on fooling me.

[Anusha]

Anusha, I agree.

 

Yet by the same token, why would you accept this behaviour from another woman's cheating husband? What is it about him that you're attracted to?

 

So that makes me think that she was gaining something from that,maybe they were sharing my money even.It is really odd that she would acept something like that,specialy her that is full of morals and a lot of times acused me of not having decency or shame.

 

I dont know what keep me hoked on him,I guess I just want him to pay for playing with my feelings like that.I cant find peace with that.Every time I try to forget I just feel like there is something stuck on my throat,like if I just cant swallow(if you know what I mean).Forgeting would mean let him get away with it.

[Capricorn3]

I dont know what keep me hoked on him,I guess I just want him to pay for playing with my feelings like that.I cant find peace with that.Every time I try to forget I just feel like there is something stuck on my throat,like if I just cant swallow(if you know what I mean).Forgeting would mean let him get away with it.

You keep forgetting that YOU chose to stay with him all this time. You posted dozens and dozens of threads complaining how unhappy you are, how unhappy he makes you, how he only uses you etc etc, yet you persisted in carrying on with the saga. You make it sound like he forced you, against your will, to stay in the situation. Trying to get back at him, for YOUR OWN MISTAKES, won't work. Take responsibility for your own actions.

[Anusha]

You keep forgetting that YOU chose to stay with him all this time. You posted dozens and dozens of threads complaining how unhappy you are, how unhappy he makes you, how he only uses you etc etc, yet you persisted in carrying on with the saga. You make it sound like he forced you, against your will, to stay in the situation. Trying to get back at him, for YOUR OWN MISTAKES, won't work. Take responsibility for your own actions.

 

If he havent deluded me and showed clearly his true intentions maybe I wouldnt have stayed for so long.He said and did all the things to make me believe that he cared,that we had a relationship.

 

I dont think that is any diferent than those scams that we see on the streets here where people fool others selling a winning lotery ticket.They dont force the person to buy either but they delude them making them believe on something it isnt true.So why that is considerated a crime and what he did to me isnt? I also got deluded in "buying" something that wasnt real.

[Capricorn3]

If he havent deluded me and showed clearly his true intentions maybe I wouldnt have stayed for so long.He said and did all the things to make me believe that he cared,that we had a relationship.

Well, now it's over and you no longer have to hang around. He's not coming back and you can finally move on.