I need some advice about my situation

[annie24]

Look, I too, have dated a man who I later found out was married. I know how much it sucks when you like someone, have fun with them, spend time and money on him, and they lie to you as easily as they order food in a restaurant. Trust me, I understand. But there is no point to hold onto this anger and hurt. yes, he is a creep and his wife is the one who has to deal with him. you are lucky! you know, so now you can run away, and forget about him forever and focus on meeting a new new man. what do you say?

[Anusha]

Look, I too, have dated a man who I later found out was married. I know how much it sucks when you like someone, have fun with them, spend time and money on him, and they lie to you as easily as they order food in a restaurant. Trust me, I understand. But there is no point to hold onto this anger and hurt. yes, he is a creep and his wife is the one who has to deal with him. you are lucky! you know, so now you can run away, and forget about him forever and focus on meeting a new new man. what do you say?

 

I know you mean well and I really apreciate that but I just cant do it.I just feel like I wont be able to let go and have peace until he pays for all he has done.I cant forget he saying "No I wont get bothered" and "Yes we will continue having contact" the last time we talked while he probably already had all the disapiering act all planned.That was mean and I cant let him get away with that.

[annie24]

But he never pointed a gun to your head and made you give him money. That was something you did of your own free will, and you have to take responsibility for your actions.

[Capricorn3]

Anusha, your behaviour is becoming more and more irrational, paranoid, possesive and obsessive, to the point one could almost say you are mentally unstable right now (it reminds one of the movie Fatal Attraction). This is NOT normal behaviour and you are harrassing a man who simply wants to get on with his life. He really should take out a restraining order against you. Yes, he may have been a real jerk, but at the same time, he has the right to want to move on with his life and you have no right to persist in harrassing him and his wife.

 

Get help. You are getting out of control.

[annie24]

I agree. Fatal attraction came to mind...... Yikes!

[penelope13]

Why you continue to believe anything he ever said to you after many lies is totally beyond me. However, the arguments you are raising today why you believe he should still be in contact with you - I simply have no words how to even describe it.

 

You knew he was involved with someone else, you knew he was using you for money - yet YOU decide that you want to give him another chance, so now you feel you EARNED the right that he remain in your life, at least talk to you??? You realize that no one forced you to remain in contact with him again and again - that it was a DECISION YOU took, thus you haven't earned anything in this scenario except a lot of unnecessary pain.

 

No one denies that he is a scumbag, yet you decide to remain in contact with him while every single person on this thread would have kicked him out of their lives ages ago. You don't reward bad behavior by continuing to support someone.

 

Why are you even surprised by his disappearance act when he has given you so much proof that he is not a decent person?

 

What else does he have to do for you to finally let go of him? Does he really have to literally have to say 'stay away from me' for you to accept that there is no hope? His behavior should have told you that already (as your therapist told you).

 

You are oscillating between wanting to make him pay and wanting him to stay in your life - do you see how unhealthy that is?

 

If you are not careful you are really risking to get into a lot of legal trouble if you insist on revenge. Leave this up to karma and focus on healing

[Anusha]

But he never pointed a gun to your head and made you give him money. That was something you did of your own free will, and you have to take responsibility for your actions.

 

No he didnt but he fooled me by making me think that we had more than we really had.To him it was just something like a booty call,somebody that he would go out with when he was stressed out with his marriage but he made me believe it was a relationship to have my money.Like I said here once he even said he considerated himself as "my boyfriend" when I asked.Play with somebody fellings like that is evil.

[Anusha]

Anusha, your behaviour is becoming more and more irrational, paranoid, possesive and obsessive, to the point one could almost say you are mentally unstable right now (it reminds one of the movie Fatal Attraction). This is NOT normal behaviour and you are harrassing a man who simply wants to get on with his life. He really should take out a restraining order against you. Yes, he may have been a real jerk, but at the same time, he has the right to want to move on with his life and you have no right to persist in harrassing him and his wife.

 

Get help. You are getting out of control.

 

He isnt trying to get on with his life,he is trying to avoid responsibility.He got caught and so to avoid his wife anger and punishment(like kicking him out the house) he is avoiding me.It isnt because he regret what he has done and think that cheating is wrong,it is because he was caught.He has zero concern and respect for his marriage,his constant betrayls have showed that.So I very much doubt that what he is doing now has anything to do with trying to move on with his life.

[Capricorn3]

He isnt trying to get on with his life,he is trying to avoid responsibility. ..... he is avoiding me..

You are missing the point!! He is avoiding you because he is trying to take on responsibility (to his marriage) and move on with his life!! You can twist and turn it any way you like, YOU are harrassing him and your behaviour is completely irresponsible and totally irrational. YES, we all understand that he was/is a jerk, but it doesn't change the fact that he is still married and has dropped YOU and is avoiding YOU. He made his choice, which is NOT YOU. What more do you need to see that he doesn't want anything to do with you anymore ??

 

Leave him alone.

[Anusha]

Maybe I was naive to give him another chance but if somebody tell me they will do will do something I expect they will follow it trough yes.Saying he doesnt want anything more to do with me would be the decent thing to do in my opinion instead of fooling me.Yes it would hurt but at least it would show more consideration and respect.Something like " I dont want to(or think is a good idea) that we continue talking that often so lets please stop" would sound much better(and more respectful) than "We will keep contact,dont worry that I wont abandon you" and then disapier the next day like he did.I fell hurt,angry and played with and that is very hard to just forget.

[metrogirl]

If he had told you he didn't want anything to do with you, you would have kept hounding him anyway because that is the obsession. He told you what he told you to hopefully get you off his back but that clearly didn't work and now he is showing you that he wants nothing ZERO to do with you and you are still hellbent on trying to talk to him.

 

What he did was completely nasty, he is no different than the gold digging females that make a lonely man feel like he is the most important thing in the world but it comes at a cost. Getting revenge on him will change nothing, you are still going to be angry and hurt, he will still be a cheater and a donkey and nothing changes.

 

Have you ever watched Judge Judy on tv? If not, go to youtube and watch her shows. Look for the ones where a scorned lover is trying to sue for being taken advantage of and watch what she tells them. I'll give you a hint, no one can take advantage of you unless you let them. You let him use you for money, at least 50 people here told you that he was using you for money and you continued to give him money. You gave him money so he would talk to you and you gave him money if he promised to meet up with you and take you out. You bought him and unfortunately he turned out to be a stinker.

[Anusha]

I see your point.But should I just let him get away with it after all has done then?

[Capricorn3]

I see your point.But should I just let him get away with it after all has done then?

One word: YES.

[penelope13]

yes, you should let him get away with what he has done - because you knew how he was and that you were essentially buying his time. You were knowledgeable about this and you accepted it and you continued to ask for more of this behavior. You can't say that if he at least communicates with you (regardless in what fashion) you will accept all his bad behavior and at the same time play the injured party due to said behavior once he decides he wants out of the deal. Either his behavior is unacceptable no matter if he wants to continue to be in your life or not or it's acceptable to you, but then you can't insist on revenge when he doesn't want to to talk to you anymore.

[metrogirl]

I see your point.But should I just let him get away with it after all has done then?

 

Yes because in the end he is going to get his. He has to contend with a wife that now knows he is cheating on her. He will likely have to contend with other women that he has scorned in the past. He isn't getting off scott free, he will pay for his actions eventually but it's not up to you to decide how and when. The more time you spend thinking about how wrong he did you, is time wasted when what you really need to do is heal.

 

You have now learned a valuable lesson. You should take this lesson and use it as something good. Instead of obsessing about him here, come here and help other girls that may not know they are being duped. You have lived through it, you know the signs and the language the men use. Help others so they won't be hurting the way you are. Often, good things come from bad situations like yours.

[Anusha]

Even though I see the point on all coments I cant let go.I cant find peace with this whole situation and just want him to pay for all he has done to me.He cant just use me and then throw me away when he doesnt need me anymore.He has to learn that he just cant use people like that.

[penelope13]

It's not your job to teach him a lesson. You should focus on learning your own lessons!

[Anusha]

It's not your job to teach him a lesson. You should focus on learning your own lessons!

 

I have been played many times before and on all of them I didnt do anything so now is time to take some action.I really dont deserve that disapiering,not after all I was trying was to be nice to him.Like I said before I can get him avoiding my calls these past one month and a half after all I had screwed him by telling all to his wife.But now,what have I done? Nothing.

[penelope13]

If you have been played before, don't you think it's time that YOU learn how to recognize the red flags and how to learn to move away from a situation that is detrimental to you? - People change their minds all the time and often take the whole interaction into consideration. It's not like as soon as he says after a particular incidence "I'm ok, let's try again" that all the memories from before get erased (even if you seem to be behaving this way).

 

So i truly don't get why you are hung up on "why he is leaving me now and didn't when he was upset with me before".

[Anusha]

Because I really didnt see it coming this time or can find a good reason for his disaperience.We were fine,things were fine between us again.We had talked about all that happened,I explained why I have done what I did and he explained why he havent contacted me all that time.We both acknowdleged we were kind of imature and said we werent bothered at each other anymore.Things were fine and we were on good terms again.And then he disapiers,it just makes no sense to me.

[penelope13]

It's your decision if you want to be stuck or to just accept that you will not get the answer you are looking for and to move on. You have noone else to blame than yourself for being at a stand still

[Anusha]

Well do you get what happened? You said people change their mind all the time and I agree but on the next day? Like at 4pm he was telling me we still would be in contact and that he havent got bothered at me for asking to go out again and at 8am of next day he was gone already.Plus if somebody say something to me I trust and expect that person will follow it trough(like most people I guess) so if he said we would remain in contact I counted on that yes.And he have been answering my calls every time until that day so what motivated him to disapier I dont know.

[penelope13]

Did it ever occur to you that he said that "he wasn't bothered and that he would be in touch" in order to get you off his back without having to make lengthy explanations that he doesn't want you in his life anymore? - You seem to have really trouble accepting 'it's over', assuming he knows you just a bit he took the easy way out and pretended to agree with you, just in order to drop out of your life. - Be angry with him about this - but accept it and MOVE ON!

[Anusha]

Did it ever occur to you that he said that "he wasn't bothered and that he would be in touch" in order to get you off his back without having to make lengthy explanations that he doesn't want you in his life anymore? - You seem to have really trouble accepting 'it's over', assuming he knows you just a bit he took the easy way out and pretended to agree with you, just in order to drop out of your life. - Be angry with him about this - but accept it and MOVE ON!

 

But we have agreeded it was over already.I asked him to go out again,he came up with all the reasons why he thought it wasnt a good idea,I pressured him for a answer and then he said he would think better and would let me know on monday.Then it was me who called him and asked him to just forget the whole thing,so there was no reason for him to get me off his back.I wasnt insisting on it I was actualy giving it up myself.

[Anusha]

The only thing I can find to explain that is that maybe he didnt want all that much contact.He contacted me that day and thought we would leave like that,maybe calling once a month or so to know how each other was doing but not every week like was happening.And the second time I called was on the day after his wife had called me so maybe that was why he acepted it but on the third time he just decided to put an end on it.It would have been better if he had just talked to me and let me know that he wasnt liking it though but seeing his past behaviour I guess he has problems on doing that.