I need some advice about my situation

[penelope13]

you wanted to be deluded and fooled, since everybody told you what was going on, but you simply didn't want to hear it. you can't blame him (considering that he is not a decent person) to let go of a beneficial deal for him if you willingly participated. He showed you multiple times that if you don't pay up, he will not give you what you want: the pretense of interacting with you. You told him what he needed to do, what you wanted to hear in order for you to keep paying, so he played the part you paid him for which included reciting words of love and providing sexual services. Have you ever watched a romantic movie? It sounds so real what the actors are portraying, but everyone knows nevertheless that it is an act.

 

This guy didn't even have to try that hard because you dropped your standards consistently.

 

You will have a hard time convincing anyone that you are an innocent victim in all of this. You may have been at the very beginning, but you knew for a long time that you needed to pay in order to keep him in your life. Even when you found out that he was married you were willing to accept that as long as he would at least continue to call you on a somewhat regular schedule. You can't say that nobody warned you, because people continuously told my, multiple times on many, many threads.

 

You are acting like a child with its fingers in the ears and stomping its feet because it doesn't want to listen.

 

If you want to get better and if you want to move on you have to start taking on responsibility for your own actions as many people have told you.

 

You are most likely going to respond with a "I hear you, but" - there is no 'but'.

 

You just have to make up your mind and start acting accordingly. If you are not strong enough to do it by yourself, then ask your parents or therapist for help.

 

The only question if have for you:

 

DO YOU WANT TO MOVE ON FROM THIS SITUATION?

[petite]

I think that you need to stop trying to find ways in which he is to 'pay for what he did'. He is guilty of being a jerk and of using you, but to be quite frank, you knew he was using you. You knew it. No one forced you to give him money, you're an adult, act like one. Not only did you take money from your parents and give to him, you also caused your self financial problems, if I remember correctly. You're so wrapped up in his morals, and his wife and the drama that unfolded that you're not even seeing the things you did to yourself, and to your parents also.

 

I believe that deep down inside you knew he had a wife all along, you were just hoping it wasn't true. The fact that you guys have two numbers and weird contact is enough to make anyone think. Why would a person that does not require an extra number for business purposes need two phone numbers?

 

If you continue down the path you're talking about, you are bound to get into trouble. He owes you nothing and his wife owes you even less. He is and was a jerk, but he is a married jerk - whether that's a de facto (common law) marriage does not matter in this case.

 

You're not the only person that was ever lied to and certainly wont be the last. It was in your power whether you continued with the 'relationship' after you saw the discrepancies in his stories. I believe you need to stop blaming other people for your own actions, yes, you were used, but you an an adult and the red flags were all around you, we have spent so much time trying to help you on your journal and you ignored everything everyone said. You're not an innocent child and no one stole from you.

 

Stop contacting him, stop trying to make excuses, and reasons and coming up with schemes to get back at him, just stop it.

 

Honestly, I think yo should rent the movie Fatal Attraction, and watch it.

 

Oh and by the way; I do know what it's like to one day have someone say "I'll be there for you" and the next they are out of your life as if nothing happened. One of my ex's cheated on me, and once I found out, he was angry at ME for trying to get the truth out of him. I was really upset, and he said to me "I'm sorry, I'll be there for you and help you get through this". The next day his number was changed, I know because I called. I had a lot going on at that point, I was in my second year of uni, and working, and had health problems and found out my boyfriend cheated on me and instead of being sorry about it, like a coward he ran. I am so glad he did.

 

People have been there, people have been in worse situations, and it will continue to happen to many people - it's sad but true, and it's life.

[Anusha]

Yes it hurts doesnt it? It just make it feel like they are mocking you when they say something like that.Like if they knew they would disapier why say that? That is cruel.

[Batya33]

Are you sure the title of your thread is accurate? I don't think you want advice -you want to vent and convince someone that you're entitled to behave as you have been.

[Anusha]

I just wish people would understand how I feel.The hurt and anger I feel now are beyond words.

[Batya33]

I just wish people would understand how I feel.

 

I do understand how you feel. I am just commenting on how you are choosing to react to how you feel. I don't understand why you can't see things from the wife's perspective, have some empathy and from that feeling of empathy choose to do what is appropriate. I also don't understand your choice to continue to have this huge pity party about what he did to you especially when you've intentionally hurt his family.

[penelope13]

I repeat my question: what is more important to you: to heal or thoughts of revenge?

[Anusha]

I feel I just will be able to heal when I have my revange.

[Anusha]

I do feel empathy to her when we talked after my parents told her about the affair I even apologized to her and said I never mean to hurt her.But with time and all she has done to me my anger just started to grow.She had called me bad names lot of times and even mocked me like I said before.She saw how much I hate to be called ugly and every chance she got she would call me that.Plus now she would mention to me all the time that he doesnt want me anymore.Is like she would try to hurt me in every chance she had.

[penelope13]

While it's not nice behavior on her part, it's understandable. A simply apology will not be sufficient to help her deal with the hurt and betrayal of being cheated on (just read on the infidelity forum to go gain some insight how much and how long people suffer from being cheated on).

 

I think you are hurting yourself by claiming that you can't heal without having revenge. Part of healing is letting go. That includes letting go also of anger and resentment towards the person who injured you. Otherwise you will be stuck in a vicious cycle.

 

It's up to you to decide if you want to be stuck - or if you want to move on.

[Anusha]

That is my point,I just cant let go of this anger and resentment.Not without doing something about it at least.Like I said before is like those emotions are stuck on my throat.

[Batya33]

That is my point,I just cant let go of this anger and resentment.Not without doing something about it at least.Like I said before is like those emotions are stuck on my throat.

 

Of course you can -you are a human being who has control over her actions and reactions. What you should do about it IMO is choose to put it behind you and move towards healing. We all have to deal with difficult emotions. In your case, tell yourself that you took the risk by continuing to stay involved with a married man - that might help you change your perspective from victimhood to taking responsibility for your actions. Should his wife react to her anger by hurting you or doing something destructive? Of course not. Same goes for you.

[Anusha]

The question that wont go out my head is why? Why he did that? Why after the good talk we had about all that and being on good terms he decided to screw me again? Everything was solved,I wasnt angry anymore and neither him,I explained my reasons and he explained his.I was satisfatied with things like that.Why he just didnt leave like that? That disapiering act was completely unecessary.

[pl3asehelp]

The question that wont go out my head is why? Why he did that? Why after the good talk we had about all that and being on good terms he decided to screw me again? Everything was solved,I wasnt angry anymore and neither him,I explained my reasons and he explained his.I was satisfatied with things like that.Why he just didnt leave like that? That disapiering act was completely unecessary.

 

Why? Because he doesn't respect you because YOU don't respect yourself. Until you stop your thoughts of revenge and cheating you're never going to be happy. Why not start today?

[Anusha]

Why? Because he doesn't respect you because YOU don't respect yourself. Until you stop your thoughts of revenge and cheating you're never going to be happy. Why not start today?

 

I didnt mean he using me for money.I mean what happened a few weeks ago,the talk we had about all that happened after his wife caught us last time.After one month and a half of not talking he finally contacted me and we talked about all that happened.I explained why I told it all to his wife afterwards and he explained why he havent contacted me for all that time.We both agreeded we were imature by trying to throw the blame on each other when we both had responsibility on all that and said we werent bothered at each other anymore.We had made peace and were on good terms.But 2 weeks after that talk he pulled the disapier act on me(that after had said he wouldnt abandon me and that we would remain in contact).Why he did that? I just cant get it.

[pl3asehelp]

Well, since he's a cheater he has zero character so you should have NO expectations for any kind of decent behavior coming from him at all. Your mistake was that you think that cheaters are people that you can rely on to behave like mature, compassionate, kind, adults.

[Anusha]

Well, since he's a cheater he has zero character so you should have NO expectations for any kind of decent behavior coming from him at all. Your mistake was that you think that cheaters are people that you can rely on to behave like mature, compassionate, kind, adults.

 

I get your point.Indeed he is selfish so expecting any decent behaviour or that he will honor his words wasnt a good idea.I guess I have to give up on trying to get that from him and jut acept that is something that he isnt capable of.

[annie24]

I get your point.Indeed he is selfish so expecting any decent behaviour or that he will honor his words wasnt a good idea.I guess I have to give up on trying to get that from him and jut acept that is something that he isnt capable of.

 

yes, exactly! i think you get it..... expecting him to act decently and keep his word is like trying to squeeze water out of a stone.

[Anusha]

yes, exactly! i think you get it..... expecting him to act decently and keep his word is like trying to squeeze water out of a stone.

 

Right,he never say when he doesnt want something.That remind me of that time on the beginning of my relationship with him that I started to think he wanted out cause he wouldnt call me and go out as often anymore but every time I asked he would say "No it isnt that,I just want to give it some time for the dust to setle".Or like when I questioned him about going out now again and he said " Now it isnt a good idea." He just let it unclear or push it to future,he never say plain and simple no.So I guess what happened was that he didnt want contact every week but instead of saying it(what would be the decent thing to do) he just chosed to disapier instead.

[psychosamm]

I think its pretty obvious that his wife threatened to leave him, he got scared and is trying to sever all ties with you because he doesnt want his wife to leave him. Why you're even bothering, i dont know. Do you enjoy being "the other woman", do you like the chase, the danger? Whatever it is you need to get the hell over him because you're pretty much being a * * * * * . You need to do some serious soul searching, maybe once you've resolved yourself you can find yourself someone who actually loves you.

[petite]

Anusha, please read this book.

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life by Susan Anderson

link removed

[Circe]

I agree with superfox.. He's become the object of obsession and anxiety for you. You feel anxiety when you cut him out of your life and the anxiety goes down for a bit when you contact him.. so you keep doing it. You are trying to make sense of a situation in circumstances where you aren't really ready to hear the truth or the sense of it. You really need to force yourself to go without contact with him and learn that you will be ok without him in your life. Don't worry about trying to understand or make sense of it - just focus on staying away from him, including by phone/email.

[Anusha]

I agree with you,it is like Im adicted to him.I think about it all day and is like Im just okay when I talk with him.There was one time even that I was feeling sick on my stomach and just by talking to him I felt good away.It was really scary to realize how much power he had over my well being.And to be honest I do feel the craving strong yet and wish we could talk but I realized that I cant force it.

[Batya33]

I agree with you,it is like Im adicted to him.I think about it all day and is like Im just okay when I talk with him.There was one time even that I was feeling sick on my stomach and just by talking to him I felt good away.It was really scary to realize how much power he had over my well being.And to be honest I do feel the craving strong yet and wish we could talk but I realized that I cant force it.

 

I think you're simply needy and addicted to the idea of him -it has nothing to do with him as a person -after all you wrote all the terrible things he did to you including hitting you and you want to sue him -so it really has nothing to do with him -you've latched on to this person because of an emptiness and neediness within you. Which you can do something about . Will you?

[Anusha]

I dont like that feeling too,it doesnt feel good to be owned like that.You mentioned that I can get rid of it,how exactaly can I do that?