I need some advice about my situation

[Anusha]

So assuming that you would get some money back (which I doubt, I don't think you have a legal standing for extortion nor that he took advantage of you without your knowledge), would that be sufficient for you to accept that he won't be in your life anymore?

 

As to revenge: while I understand you are upset about the whole situation, you willingly chose to remain in it for a long time while you knew exactly that he was just in it for the money, that he was married, that he has many other affairs.

 

You need to start taking responsibility for yourself and your own feelings.

 

I didnt know that he was on it just for the money,I had a very high suspicion yes but wasnt sure and every time I would ask him about it he would denie. And yes a lot of times I had my own ilusions and expected more than he could give me seeing that he is married but he also helped to feed them when it was convenient for him.Like on the time I asked him what we were since we have been going out for a while already and he said he considerated himself as my boyfriend(and that was after I had found out that he was married btw).Anyway lately I had been unsure if I should go on with that idea and like I said even ofered him a alternative to sort things,but look to how he repaid me that? He lied about how things would be from now on and disaperied on me.really you think that was fair? And what for I just dont get.We have had a nice talk where I explained my reasons to do all that I did(like telling all to his wife) and he explained his,we were having good contact so things were going fine.And now he just screw me again by disapering.

[annie24]

ermmm..... i think ALL of us told you he was using you, was not in love with you, and likely had a wife. i don't think that he committed any financial fraud. i don't want to sound mean or rude, but you weren't using your brain to add up the obvious. no judge will give you the money back. even if they did, do you really want to be laughed at for believing his lies? I mean, it was OBVIOUS that he was shady.

 

And excuse me for sounding like a gold-digger for a moment, but did you know it's typically men who pursue women with fancy gifts? i mean, why don't you try to meet a single man and let him woo you???

[petite]

I really don't think there is anything more to say about this guy or the relationship or anything. He doesn't want you, doesn't want contact with you, and he has a wife. He did not commit financial fraud, and chances are very slight in you getting a penny back. If I remember correctly you said once that you either felt or knew he stopped spending more time with you when the money ran out. You knew he was in it for the money, and you continued the charade. You allowed yourself to be used, no one else. He didn't care, he still doesn't care and he wont ever care.

 

He didn't make you happy, you were anxious and depressed and frustrated and upset when you supposedly thought he was living with an aunt, because he wouldn't answer your calls and messages - how in the world is that happiness? You spent so much time being stressed out.

 

Seriously, doesn't the fact that he is married make you angry? Doesn't it make you dislike him to the core that he lied to you and to his wife and why in the world do you still want contact with him?

 

Honestly, I think we're all just wasting our time and this is all falling on deaf ears. It's all been said so many times. No one will analyze why he isn't answering calls or why he is doing whatever he might be doing and no one cares about him. People have tried to help you because they don't want you to destroy yourself further, but you're set out to do just that.

[superfox]

You don't want the money back really, you just want it back because it's the last thing you have with him left. If you pursued (and would lose) chasing it the. He has to respond and you get your crumb of attention.

[Capricorn3]

OP: You should seriously consider professional counselling as it could only be beneficial to you. Your obsession with this man is way over the top and your deep rooted insecurity is almost off the scale too. You don't seem to take on board the fact that he is MARRIED and is no longer interested in you. You keep ignoring it like you hope by ignoring tha facts, they will magically go away. It won't. Also, in the end, show some self-respect. Walk away from this mess with a little dignity. It's OVER. Learn to accept this fact.

 

I think the most important thing of all, is to seek professional counselling and finally work on yourself so that you can move on with your life.

[penelope13]

See, you are hoping that someone will agree with you that he has been unfair AND in conclusion should stay in touch with you. The crux is, we all agree he is a jerk, but our CONCLUSION is that you should stay as far away from him as possible. The crumbs you are settling for are getting smaller and thus your self esteem.

[Anusha]

It's OVER. Learn to accept this fact.

 

I think that is what Im most struggling with.Is hard to acept that he just doesnt want me anymore,specialy after all I have done.I was talking with my therapist today and I mentioned I was thinking about going to his work or calling his neighbour to get him on the phone but that would be forcing myself on him.Like my therapist said he doesnt need to say he doesnt want me,his actions are speaking for him.I just have to learn to accept it.

[annie24]

It's OVER. Learn to accept this fact.

 

I think that is what Im most struggling with.Is hard to acept that he just doesnt want me anymore,specialy after all I have done.I was talking with my therapist today and I mentioned I was thinking about going to his work or calling his neighbour to get him on the phone but that would be forcing myself on him.Like my therapist said he doesnt need to say he doesnt want me,his actions are speaking for him.I just have to learn to accept it.

 

Anusha, breakups happen all the time. It takes 2 people to make a relationship, but only 1 to end it. Unfortunately, that is life.

 

But the bigger question is why you are still so hung up on this married man who is obviously a scumbag!!!! Doesn't part of you want a nice boyfriend without a wife??

[Anusha]

It's OVER. Learn to accept this fact.

 

Anusha, breakups happen all the time. It takes 2 people to make a relationship, but only 1 to end it. Unfortunately, that is life.

 

But the bigger question is why you are still so hung up on this married man who is obviously a scumbag!!!! Doesn't part of you want a nice boyfriend without a wife??

 

I do,of course I do.I guess maybe is the rejection that is keeping me hooked.Is like I just cant acept it and Im willing to do everything to get his atention.Can you believe that I was even considerating going to his work or calling his neighbour to get him on the phone so I could finally reach him? Then I stoped to think about it and realized how crazy that was.I kept saying to my therapist "But he didnt say he doesnt want me,he just disaperied" and then she said "Well what he disapering means?" And that was when I finally realized what I was doing,Im forcing myself on him.I have to learn to stop that and just acept it is over.

[Capricorn3]

Im willing to do everything to get his atention.Can you believe that I was even considerating going to his work or calling his neighbour to get him on the phone so I could finally reach him

I finally realized what I was doing,Im forcing myself on him..

Also keep reminding yourself that if you ever did that, you would reach the stage of harassment/stalking and he could take out a restraining order against you. It's a pretty serious stage to get to. Thankfully you haven't done so, but it seems there could be a strong likelihood that you would do something like that (hopefully not).

 

Leave the guy alone. Let him live his life and move on with yours. Hopefully with the help of intensive therapy/counselling you'll finally let this go once and for all.

[Batya33]

If you did what you planned it would show that you didn't care about him or his family at all -it would be all about you. Is that the person you want to be?

[Anusha]

If you did what you planned it would show that you didn't care about him or his family at all -it would be all about you. Is that the person you want to be?

 

Well he showed he didnt care about me by disapiering so he kind of deserve it dont you think? And I just want some explanations,I want to ask him why he did that after had just told me that he wouldnt get bothered for me asking him to go out again and that we would still keep the contact.He even said the last time we talked "Dont worry,I wont abandon you" and look what happened next.And restraining orders are just for when there is any risk of harm to the other person isnt it? I dont intend to do anything with him,all I want is to talk.And if he is working on a supermarket(like I suspect) that is a public place so I have all the right to go there so he cant really do anything to stop me.

[chitown9]

.And restraining orders are just for when there is any risk of harm to the other person isnt it? I dont intend to do anything with him,all I want is to talk.And if he is working on a supermarket(like I suspect) that is a public place so I have all the right to go there so he cant really do anything to stop me.

 

Restraining orders are not merely designed to prevent contact for the purpose of physical harm, but also to try to deter stalkers and harasment. And yes, a restraining order can prohibit you from staying away from his place of work. It doesn't matter if his place of work is a public place. You really need to get a grip, Anusha. This is getting beyond ridiculous..next thing you know we will be reading that you were in jail because you were harasing this guy.

 

 

[Anusha]

Restraining orders are not merely designed to prevent contact for the purpose of physical harm, but also to try to deter stalkers and harasment. And yes, a restraining order can prohibit you from staying away from his place of work. It doesn't matter if his place of work is a public place. You really need to get a grip, Anusha. This is getting beyond ridiculous..next thing you know we will be reading that you were in jail because you were harasing this guy.

 

 

 

So you think he has the right to disapier without any explanation like that? Dont you think I deserve some kind of explanation? I can understand he avoiding me before after all I had screwed him(by telling all to his wife) but now what have I done? Nothing but try to be nice to him and give him a chance to sort things in a good way.If he didnt like me asking to go out again or how often I was calling he should have just said so.

[Batya33]

I don't think you are entitled to hear from him. You dated and tried to chase a married man. One of the downsides of your behavior is that the married person can disappear at any time to protect his own best interests which is to make sure his wife doesn't find out or if she does, of course he has to promise her never to contact you again -that's reasonable. I do think his wife is entitled to have you out of their lives for good.

[Anusha]

I don't think you are entitled to hear from him. You dated and tried to chase a married man. One of the downsides of your behavior is that the married person can disappear at any time to protect his own best interests which is to make sure his wife doesn't find out or if she does, of course he has to promise her never to contact you again -that's reasonable. I do think his wife is entitled to have you out of their lives for good.

 

I see your point but I dont think she found out that we been having contact.Taking in consideration her past behaviour,the first thing she would have done if she had found out would be to call me and she havent done so.Besides I was calling him from a diferent number(one that nobody besides him knows that is mine,including her) so there is no way she could have found it out.Even if she had caught his phone and saw my calls there is no way she would know it was me.And if she had saw a unknown number on his calling last her first reaction would have been to call that number to found out who it is from and she also havent done that(since I havent got any call from her or from any unknown number on that line).

[Stiggs]

You're so much better off getting out of this mess and finding someone else. You're wasting your time with this loaf when you could find someone that would be normal and sane.

[Batya33]

I see your point but I dont think she found out that we been having contact.Taking in consideration her past behaviour,the first thing she would have done if she had found out would be to call me and she havent done so.Besides I was calling him from a diferent number(one that nobody besides him knows that is mine,including her) so there is no way she could have found it out.Even if she had caught his phone and saw my calls there is no way she would know it was me.And if she had saw a unknown number on his calling last her first reaction would have been to call that number to found out who it is from and she also havent done that(since I havent got any call from her or from any unknown number on that line).

 

 

You're making lots of assumptions about her knowledge. Once again you are the person interfering in his life and marriage right now so no you don't deserve a call from him. You're lucky he's not seeking a way to make sure you can't continue to contact him.

[Anusha]

You're making lots of assumptions about her knowledge. Once again you are the person interfering in his life and marriage right now so no you don't deserve a call from him. You're lucky he's not seeking a way to make sure you can't continue to contact him.

 

Well when it was convenient for him(meaning when he needed my money) he didnt see any problem on me being part of his life.He even would make sure to include me on that by calling daily and meeting me often.

 

And althought I do understand it might feel bad for his wife to be cheated on,I dont think she is all that inocent.Actualy based on my last conversations with her I even suspect that she has participation on taking my money.That would explain why she acept her husband going out with other women for money,(something that any other woman would never acept),she was gaining something from that.

[Anusha]

And I just dont get why just because somebody is the wife is like they become some kind of saint and the other woman become the vilan.To me both are women that happened to be in love with a man.Just because the other woman isnt married to the guy that doesnt make her inferior than the wife.

[Batya33]

And I just dont get why just because somebody is the wife is like they become some kind of saint and the other woman become the vilan.To me both are women that happened to be in love with a man.Just because the other woman isnt married to the guy that doesnt make her inferior than the wife.

 

You're taking an extreme definition to excuse your behavior. Your behavior is inappropriate. The wife in this situation has superior rights to you when it comes to a relationship with this man. She is committed to him and he is to her -they took vows to each other -you didn't. Therefore, she has a far more important role in his life than you do and she comes first if it comes to decisions about who to be in contact with. It doesn't mean she is a saint or that you are a villain. Your behavior towards him isn't loving, it's selfish - that's the opposite of love. But even if you did have feelings of love for him, his commitment to her would take priority over your feelings. That's one reason why it's a bad idea to get involved with a married man. You can hurl all the accusations you want at her but when it comes down to it you have no right to behave the way you have been behaving and, again, you're very lucky that all that happened was some angry texts from her. She's being reasonable and he is being reasonable by keeping his distance from you rather than trying to get a restraining order.

[annie24]

Anusha - it doesn't matter if his wife is a good person or a bad person - it only matters that she is his wife. It is unfortunate in these situations where there is a mistress and a wife and they blame each other, instead of focusing the blame on the cheating husband! I really don't care if his wife is the most evil woman in the world or if she is the best wife in the world. they are legally and religiously bound, unless they chose to divorce, which obviously, is not happening. that is their business.

 

the bigger question is why you remain obsessed with this man who is 1 - married, 2 - has used you, 3 - has used you up and moved on to presumably other women to cheat with. i mean.... why????

[Anusha]

They are not legaly married,they just live together.And yes maybe Im being selfish now but so what? He has been selfish to me the whole time so I guess I have that right.When he needs me he is all over me and when his wife catch us or he no longer needs me he just avoids me,how you think that feels? What he did was not right and so now he will have to pay for it and he cant just use his marriage to hide from that.He mocked me big time,cant you see that? After all he did to me I was still open to talk and give him a chance to sort things in a nice way and look what he did.He said on my face "Dont worry,I wont abandon you" one day before disapering!!! So no I wont have any concern for his marriage after he stomped all over my feelings.

[annie24]

Whoa - is he married or is he not?? this makes zero sense. Either way, doesn't matter, he is living with another woman who is essentially his wife (whether or not it is legally recognized by the government).

 

yes, he stomped all over your feelings. So why do you keep letting him? Everyday that you sit and worry about him is another day wasted. That's another day that you could have been using to go out and meet a new, single man!! you give him far too much power.

[Anusha]

Whoa - is he married or is he not?? this makes zero sense. Either way, doesn't matter, he is living with another woman who is essentially his wife (whether or not it is legally recognized by the government).

 

yes, he stomped all over your feelings. So why do you keep letting him? Everyday that you sit and worry about him is another day wasted. That's another day that you could have been using to go out and meet a new, single man!! you give him far too much power.

 

I mean that they didnt sign any papers or had vows(like a religious marriage),they just moved in together and since they have been living like a married couple here we considerate it as marriage too.I just want him to pay for all that he did,that is why I was considerating going after him.He cant hide from me by changing his number after all I know where he lives and possibily where he works too.