How to TRY to get an ex back...

[pippy longstocking]

I dont see why the letter would be pathetic

 

because she is trying to get you to leave her alone ...she wants you to leave her alone ..she WANTS you to leave her alone .

 

tomato please listen to these people on here

[pippy longstocking]

I dont see why the letter would be pathetic

 

because she is trying to get you to leave her alone ...she wants you to leave her alone ..she WANTS you to leave her alone .

 

tomato please listen to these people on here

[tomato]

because she is trying to get you to leave her alone ...she wants you to leave her alone ..she WANTS you to leave her alone .

 

tomato please listen to these people on here

 

I'm leaving her alone - I'm sending one letter thats all!

 

you dont know she might appreciate it

[Fun Boater 1]

I'm leaving her alone - I'm sending one letter thats all!

 

you dont know she might appreciate it

 

See my previous post and ask yourself if there's any chance that she's going to "appreciate" getting a letter from you when she's very clearly telling your friends that she wants nothing to do with you.

 

You ask "how do I make it less needy?". Very simple. You don't send it at all. The very act of sending a letter like that screams "neediness" and "desperation". It also further reinforces to her that you are obsessed with her. Nothing good is going to come of you sending it. You will only further alienate her because you are not listening to what she's trying to say and remain infatuated with the idea that there will be some kind of "magic" tonic you can apply to get her back - a silly letter, tickets to an "amazing event", offering to be her friend...etc..etc..etc... You will claim you are over her and that you just want to apologize. I've already told you why an apology isn't necessary. Your latest thread topic about considering buying a "ex back" book just illustrates the fact that you still believe in some kind of instant reconciliation when the hard reality is that this girl no longer wants to have anything to do with you.

 

Again...I'm going to quote your post again about what she has been telling your friends. I do not understand why this doesn't bother you, or why you can't see what it means.

 

she said this to a friend of myn:

 

I'm not talking to him anymore I've told him to stop talking to me. All he wants to do is pull of some crazy act whenever he convinces me to go an see him and honestly I don't deserve it and nor do I need it. If I'm honest I think he has lost it a bit and I just don't want anything to do with him for a long long while until he calms down.

 

You are aware of her desire to avoid further "crazy acts" with you, and her complete aversion to even communicating with you...yet you are still considering the whole "letter" stunt? I fail to understand your reasoning here. Leave her alone as she has asked you to. Sometimes doing nothing is your best course of action. This is obviously one of those times, Tomato.

[diariescs]

Hello, everyone. I have been reading this thread for a few days and, for the most part, have been following its advice. I have been "pushing" (as in NC, NIC, LC) while making tremendous leaps in regaining my old self back but my resolve is wavering and I'm wondering if I'm doing something wrong, or if there's anything else I can do. Some of my story is here. It was an explosive fight that escalated to insults, anger, and, eventually, the inevitable breakup. No premeditation, no build-up. Just a fight.

 

Since the last part of the breakup just happened (I finally have my things from the residence we shared), I have this urge to use it as a bridge to open up communication, even if it's just with a Thank You. He did send a message through our friend, saying I still have books over there and, if I wanted them, I am more than welcome to come over to get them. I miss him terribly. Actually, I miss the security of being in love with one another, and I just want another chance at making it work. I haven't begged him, nor have I said I was willing to reconcile, but he was very clear that we were over the last time we spoke by phone.

 

I don't know.. Maybe I just need a little moral support. Someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing. This is my very first serious breakup with someone I shared something substantial with. Lack of experience is making me doubt a lot of the moves I'm making. Help, please?

[Thorshammer]

Tomato, if the letter is to let go of this haunting suspicion that you were the one who pushed her away (which i doubt), then you can try to clean your image with this final letter. This would be for the sake of clearing your conscious, it would be a good therapeutic release. But, nothing more.

[Thorshammer]

Usually, a break up is pre-determined. With time, the attraction dies off, which means they really broke up with you before- looong before, and these are usually the break ups that last. A heated argument might not have the same lasting power to keep a break up going, its usually an emotional response when logic isnt running. When emotions dry up, and logic returns, they might come back. Though i warn, i have broken up with women after an argument, this could have been mistranslated as being disguised as me just being angry and saying things i didnt mean, but it was just the last straw, and i took that door out by using her mistake to fuel my final decision.

 

Whoever is at fault should be the one to make strides to fix it. "Giving in" when you werent at fault has far more consequences than getting an ex back. I would play it cool and get your stuff, if he doesnt react, maybe send mixed signals when you give him a half smile and ask for a hug before you leave (sort of like a last way for him to make an attempt, i have no fancy explanation for this, this is just something i have done and its worked).

 

But, if you guys really did have a permanent break up from a fight, then that really isnt a relationship worth saving imo.

[tomato]

Tomato, if the letter is to let go of this haunting suspicion that you were the one who pushed her away (which i doubt), then you can try to clean your image with this final letter. This would be for the sake of clearing your conscious, it would be a good therapeutic release. But, nothing more.

 

well I clearlt pushed her very hard when I insulted her and told her I thought she was disgusting and didnt want anything to do with her last week (oh it was actually 2 weeks ago)! right? I think even before that I was a push cause I told her I didnt want to be friends. Actually I have been trying push pull all along - of course I didnt intend for such a large push last time though! Thats a very clear push. It wasnt a nice clean push though cause I let her apparent indifference get to me and wasnt calm. That I regret and I feel deserves more than a half hearted apology via text I sent last week.

 

I have pulled a bit since cause I sent her qute a few texts apologising/explaining most of which she didnt respond to........ so again I have pushed and pulled

[LAW724]

I asked my ex to my sorority formal, he said yes, how should I play my cards?? He broke up with me a little over a month ago because he he wasnt "in" love with me anymore and wanted to see what college was like single, he seems to be attracted to me when he's around me still. I was kind of shocked he said yes though.

[Thorshammer]

I asked my ex to my sorority formal, he said yes, how should I play my cards?? He broke up with me a little over a month ago because he he wasnt "in" love with me anymore and wanted to see what college was like single, he seems to be attracted to me when he's around me still. I was kind of shocked he said yes though.

 

Why did you ask him for? He wants to be single, he planted the seed of wanting to mess with other women. You pulled him in knowing he planted this idea, this is you accepting that stipulation. I would avoid any intimacy, keep it friendly, if he tries to pull you in let him know you asked him on friendly terms, that he wants to be single and you dont "mess around". If he wants you back, he will react - its not that hard for him to say he wants you back, so dont think you need to do "something".

[PhilWood]

But she already knows you if you've been together for so long. She knows you are not a terrible person and she knows you said what you said because of the situation you were in. Furthermore, you already apologized by text so for all intents and purposes, this HAS been settled. Give her some time alone and give yourself some too. Trust me, writing that letter will not resolve anything or leave her with any other impression that you were actually more needy and insecure than she thought.

[tomato]

Tomato, if the letter is to let go of this haunting suspicion that you were the one who pushed her away (which i doubt), then you can try to clean your image with this final letter. This would be for the sake of clearing your conscious, it would be a good therapeutic release. But, nothing more.

 

is that really all it could do? Couldnt it also soften my image for the NC and therefore make her contacting me more likely? Also is pure NC really always the best strategy - how about a friendly call after a few weeks? say 3 weeks? - she broke the nc last time - maybe that wouldnt be terrible since I've clearly pushed.

 

as I said I pushed really hard at the end of the relationship (for at least the last 3 months - I even dumped her because of it and asked her to leave my house) because she had been hiding stuff from me I wasnt very nice and I wasnt sweet anymore or romantic because she had broken my trust - I feel this means that a nice letter on good paper etc would remind her that I can be nice and I'm not just a horrible pushing guy. Letter + NC could be a good push pull no?

 

There is the problem with my theory of push above that I was insecure because I did ask her if I could check up on her fb/emails etc after she broke my trust and I did - presumably this is a big pull/neediness indicator - but I'm not sure if it cancels out the push - there are problems applying your theory here!

[LAW724]

Why did you ask him for? He wants to be single, he planted the seed of wanting to mess with other women. You pulled him in knowing he planted this idea, this is you accepting that stipulation. I would avoid any intimacy, keep it friendly, if he tries to pull you in let him know you asked him on friendly terms, that he wants to be single and you dont "mess around". If he wants you back, he will react - its not that hard for him to say he wants you back, so dont think you need to do "something".

 

I asked him basically to avoid taking a random guy I just met who would expect something at the end of the night since I took him as my date. I figured if I took my ex I wouldnt have to worry about that. But i will admit there is a part of me that hopes something will come of it.

[aces]

I have been reading this thread constantly trying to apply it to my situation. I decided to post up my own story to see what advice everyone can give me.

 

I am 3 years older than my ex and she is still in college. I dated my ex for 23 months and it was a long distance relationship and then she broke it off with me stating that she needs space, the distance were getting to her, and she felt it was dangerous to be so in love at such a young age and wants time to figure out if its really what she wants. Additionally she wanted to enjoy the college experience because she has dated me pretty much since she started school and didn’t want to resent me for making her miss out on anything. She says she still loves me and wants to eventually get back together with me but just doesn’t know when.

 

Since she has broken up with me I tried to initiate NC but failed. The first week was LC and then I ended up seeing her the next week for an hour because she needed to talk about some personal issues (not dealing with our relationship). After I left she sent me an email stating how she still loves me and she is very sorry that she is hurting me right now and that she just needs space to figure herself out. I tried to initiate NC again but she would randomly text me and facebook message me making small talk and sometimes saying how she missed me in her arms. Since then I have probably seen her 3 times (me going to her place) and we have hooked up each time, as i left her place each time she would text me saying how she missed me but later on in the week the contact would become more and more limited. Also during the break up she has been going out and drinking alot and I found out she made out with a guy at the bar. I have asked her multiple times if there is someone else that she is interested in and she said no but she just has been doing stupid things while she has been going out and she still does want to be together with me just not now and sometime in the future. I sent her flowers and a poem on the day that would have been our two year anniversary and she sent me a text saying how wonderful it was knowing me for two years and that she loves me. Now she is telling me that she still doesn’t want to be in a relationship because she has a huge test coming up in a month and does not want any distractions.

 

I want to go into no contact but it is very difficult because I feel like she will find someone else very quickly because she is very independent and pretty and especially since we are long distance. I do not want to lose her and I am still emotionally a mess, I am constantly looking at my phone hoping for a call/text/email/fb message.

 

Everyday that I do not have contact with her I get really depressed. While in our relationship i don’t think i was too needy or controlling. But after the initial break up i definitely sent her a few emails saying how much i missed her and cared for her. How do you guys think I should proceed? I don’t know if I should keep trying to go see her or not... Thanks for any advice!

[Thorshammer]

/\/\/\/\ Your actions are basically saying, "I agree being the person you come to for comfort, you get all the bells and whistles of someone who cares- but, with no commitment. Thats what some ex's want, they want to keep that connection, which will slowly fade into a friendship. You shared more than sex and passion, and its that- that she wants- which is comfort and familiarity. There is love and emotions still invested, but that comes from the traits you offered that can be outside of a relationship. I wouldnt give her anything, i would say it comes with the boyfriend package and leave.

 

Long distance and her age is tricky. I have no experience with that to even attempt to offer some advice. To be honest, both spell disaster. You need maturity and strong loyalty when the miles grow in-between you, she doesnt seem to have that or want that right now.

[Nebraskagirl14]

Hi Thor- okay, when I first read your original post, I wasn't too sure about your advice... but I read something interesting that pin pointed where I am now...

 

I pulled away because we were just not vibing at the time. We were amazing as friends but we were never REALLY just friends. We ALWAYS had a sexual attraction to each other. We were both in relationships and she chased me. Then, I was single and she was not and chased me. Then we were together and she WANTED to be with me but we were both JUST out of our relationships and so the timing was weird. Her invasive ex was still blowing her phone up and I didn't feel comfortable to opening my heart yet. Then, things just got more complicated because she wasnt working and I was and if I couldn't see her (we live 45 minutes from each other), she was super bummed and felt unwanted. After dating for two weeks, she tried to give me a ring and I said, it's kinda soon for me and she felt majorly rejected. So, all of these things led me to say, maybe let's breathe for a few and revisit this. Two weeks after we started breathing, she started dating someone else.

 

When I came back and said that I love her and want to be with her and give it 120%, she said that now she's confused because she wants to be with me but is afraid that I'll walk away again, but she also wants to see where her new dating gig goes because this girl was kind and affectionate and gave her the attention that she needed and that I didn't.

 

So, because I was the one that wanted the breather. I stuck around and knew she was sleeping with someone else and it was killing me and keeping me in limbo. She sends me love videos and told me that the new girl doesn't hold a candle to me, yadda, yadda, yadda. She said the only thing that she has going for her is that she's nice and affectionate. Perhaps a red flag to be talking like that about someone you're dating, eh?

 

Finally, last night, I said, man, I love you but I can't do this to myself anymore. You're "trying" to get over me basically and I'm waiting here all silly and upset and wishing things were different. I tried to be the best friend.

 

Then, after I told her I was going to step back to take care of me (I don't need NC but limited comm.), she text and said that she doesn't think her heart can handle this and sent me the song, "What about now" by Daughtry. I said, you just sent me a hopeful song and she said, yes, that's how I feel right now.

 

OMG!!!!!!!! Then, I think she was with the other girl last night so I didn't hear from her for the rest of the night.

 

So, given this twisted situation, what do you think? If I pulll away, will she come back?

 

I feel like as long as I am there for her, she will continue to do what we did before...have our emotional connection while she's in a relationship with someone else. But if I pull away, maybe she'll make a decision finally. And hopefully, I'm healed by then and can make an informed decision about what I want to do...

[Thorshammer]

She seems very immature, possibly insecure as well (insecure people do have a tendency to hold on to an ex as a safety-net, a new relationship has a lot of anxiety and pressure, an ex alleviates that and raises their self esteem- her being immature makes me assume this even more).

 

She feels rejected, which is setting off her insecurities. I dont have to explain how a rejected and insecure person can feel warranted in their selfishness (you did hurt her I am sure).

 

I can tell you one thing, being there for her will not help your cause. What i cant do is attempt to persuade or even bet disappearing will make a difference now. She seems immature to propose, then 2 weeks after a break she jumps to someone else, and then tries to feed you while shes with the other one. These people are chaotic and erratic, no one can predict human behavior, but with traits as she has, it just further makes it difficult. I am sure in my first post i explained safety-nets, and how cutting them off might make them sink, increase their insecurity (which in itself ruins new relationships), and cut the "time" they believe they have to play the field (this is all dependent on if they really do want to get with you, but just have a growing crush with the new person- if they dont, then cutting them off will do nothing- but then again, being there will do nothing but put you on the back of a waiting list while they have free reign to explore)- oh, and if i didnt, i have here.

 

So, i dont have yes or no answers. I just advise reading and seeing if anything makes sense for your own specific situation.

[Nebraskagirl14]

Ha Thank for the answer - makes a lot of sense. I mean, considering these things, I think the odds of backing off are in my favor:

 

1. All of this has been going on and the new person has NO idea that she's even speaking to me

2. She has kissed me recently (and I don't just mean a peck)

3. She said that new girl isn't pretty and she's not attracted to her (and unfortunately, she's kind of shallow so that will perhaps be short-lived)

4. She sent me a message the other night that said, "I wish I could have a warranty on your love so I know I can come back and if it doesn't last I won't die."

5. I unfortunately have been in a similar situation (a long time ago). I was dating someone lovely but hadn't cut emotional ties with the ex (MISTAKE). I noticed that when she was speaking to me, I was confused but it made me feel good that she still loved me and I just carried on in the new relationship. When she didn't speak to me, it DROVE ME UP THE WALL! I thought she didn't love me anymore and that made me fraught with pain and confusion.

 

So, I think that doing my own thing could have the same effect on her? I feel like she'll want to continue our emotional affair no matter what and I need to be the one to say that I don't want to be the safety net anymore and if you want to be with me, show me.

[Thorshammer]

She is definetly keeping you as a safety-net, thats not a great future wife you have there with her. She has a ton of qualities to avoid- like the immaturity, the game playing, the blatant disrespect for you and her current lover. I think you might have had my method (which isnt really mine, more a universal method done by many really) working against you, she is in fact... reattracted you to the point that now you are contemplating a future, when otherwise you werent too sure. It goes back to where i said a puller shouldnt pull after a break up, she is in fact pushing away with this new person, it worked in a sense, and now shes feeding you because now she has the power (as i also wrote in another post, the power does shift when an ex reattracts) of attraction back. I am going to over-step my boundaries and assume you will probably lose this powerful attraction if she were to come back, and if she has any ounce of experience in her brain, she knows this- and might be working it (though her immaturity proves otherwise).

 

I had an ex that wanted a break, i told her NOPE, break up... if you are going to hurt me, go straight for the jugular (the way she was made me very suspicious, actually, she was similar to your ex in some ways). We fought, we ended that night. A few week later i met someone else, and a few days later i was in a new relationship. This first ex chased me constantly, and yes... i fed her. Both of these girls were not trustworthy, it was a young thorshammer who liked how hot they looked and loved the communication, while i ignored everything else.

 

I fed my other ex, told her that i did miss her, and that this other girl wasnt like her, but... i did say i was happy, and she gave me the relationship i wanted (all true). Well, this other ex dumped me... lol (i didnt like her friends, they were petty thugs). I told my other ex i left her for her (sort of a lie, but when this ex dumped me i didnt care, it really was either or that i felt i dumped her).... then the other ex (the new one who dumped me over her friends) wanted me back because i had moved on... little games for immature people. Oh, and the ex ended up breaking up with me anyway (i did get her back again, but i never took up her offer).

 

None of that was worth it. If it is for you, then think about applying what i said in my other post.

[rov]

Hi thorshammer, I would like to hear some advice from you. My ex and I broke up three months ago, she told me she wanted some time to be alone, I dissapeared a month and then she started contacting me. I have seen her 3 times since the breakup and we had a great time, 2 of these 3 times she begged for me to see her. Since the last two weeks she has contacted me very very often, she uploaded in facebook a pic of us together and has told me that I look really handsome these days, her messenger profile pic is a pic of us together These are signs of reconciliation?, or just friendship?. Should I ask her directly what does she want?

[Nebraskagirl14]

I agree with what you said, Thor, thanks...

 

So, yes, now there has been a power shift and last night, when I told her that I was gonna take my power back, she sent me that song saying that basically, she believed in us...

 

After that, I decided to not initiate contact again which isn't difficult for me. With that power shift, would you anticipate her coming back?

[SmilingKatty]

Anyone willing to advice on this?

 

I have a good reason to believe, that my ex (2.5 months) is dating someone and is very happy. I have contacted him (quite foolishly, I know!) and he replied couple of days later with a few questions about me (but not much information about himself).

 

The question is: should I prolong or shorten the interval between his e-mail and my reply? And does it really matter?

I will ask him a bit more about his life and I expect to hear about his new partner. Then I will try to disappear again as quickly as possible.

[Nebraskagirl14]

SmilingKatty- I guess my question to you is, what is your motive for contacting him again at all? You are trying to play around with time frames and unless you have a motive to get back together or something, I don't actually see why you would cause yourself additional pain if you don't need to...

[SmilingKatty]

I want to get back together, or at least have a possibility to do so.

 

And I suppose I felt the need to be sure, that he found someone else.

[Nebraskagirl14]

Then rather than play games and wonder, I would just tell him how you feel and then leave it alone... then if he wants you, he knows where to find you.