How to TRY to get an ex back...

[Donovan79]

I agree that the word depression gets batted around as an excuse way way too often.

 

My ex three girlfriends ago had serious depression issues before she ever met me. We went out two and a half years and it only got worse. When I met her I was Captain Happy Go Lucky, but despite me doing everything I could think of to cheer her up, she sucked all the life out of me and I finally cheated on her at a wedding in another country, came back and told her it was over. Eight years later and from what I hear she's still depressed all the time, and so knocked out on antidepressants that she literally does nothing with her life but work and sleep. You cannot help other people. They have to help themselves.

 

My ex two girlfriends ago was happy as hell. So much energy. Such a great change, always the life of everything she did. One time when she got locked out of her apartment at midnight in a new city when her roommates were away and she knew no one, she connected to her own wifi through the door with her laptop, looked up "how to pick locks" videos on YouTube and broke into her own home. I laughed about this for weeks. But when we had to go LDR for professional reasons she finally got super depressed. I did too. We went on like this, depressed and apart, for two years, until I broke it off to save our sanity. She's with a nice guy now, they're coming up on their third year anniversary, and we're both over it. I still miss her at times but am back to normal and happy she's okay.

 

The most recent girl I'm on-again off-again with has few real friends locally, just quit her job with nothing else lined up, just decided to move out of her place without anywhere chosen to move to next, has spent the past six years in the same city and really has nothing to show for it except age and an encyclopedic knowledge of local Thai places. I was blown away when she dumped me a few days after I moved here but now, given that everything in my life is fine -- in shape, good job, friends, apartment, all of it -- I'm just chalking it up to girlcrazy. It's not depression, as far as I can tell.

 

 

This is gonna sound geeky, but I see the human mind like a computer with only so much RAM. Our subconscious is always churning away, day and night, processing our problems over and over again, turning them in every direction to look at them in new angles. When we have a normal amount of problems we can handle it, no worries. But when unresolved childhood issues or new problems stack up, they sit there clogging up the RAM, even if we don't know it, and if they're big enough or there's enough of them, the RAM gets overloaded and we start to see depression, anxiety, and all the sleeplessness and fatigue and panic attacks and the rest that comes with it. You gotta get that stuff out of the RAM and into the light and deal with it. But the only person who can ever do that is the owner of the problem.

[flatplane]

@ChrisMac, I think there is a certain truth in what you're saying with regards to be issues and RAM, however I'd rephrase is as issues and coping ability. When the issues exceed the ability of the brain to cope with such issues, then people start having problems. Be that going to see a councilllor or whatever.

 

Each person has a giving level of ability to cope with certain issues.

[Thorshammer]

thor,

what if something she did in the past caused me to become insecure and controlling which lead to fighting and accusations (saying mean things) when really she was trying to show me change? which route to take? chase a lil or nc? continue to show affection while working on reversing bad traits? she constantly tells me she loves and misses me. just that i made her feel like all she ever did was ruin me

 

I would assume you are in the "push" category under my first post. Confidence also entails having the strength to forgive someone, and not letting thoughts break your decision. I had an ex do something questionable that i never forgave, she ended up breaking it off with me when i wouldnt let her explain. Combine that with all of her questionable behavior, and i felt it was good enough not to attempt to bother trying to get her back. For 6 years shes been contacting me, always with her walls up, always with small steps- and each time i get close to her, i bring up what happens, and i push her away, because I personally cant forgive (even though what she did was small). Now, I lost attraction for her. Funny how break ups have made me a better more confident and selective person.

 

Obviously this isnt what you should do. If you really want her back, you need to close that memory, and you need to come to some compromise. If it is too much for you, then dont bother with her, there are future relationships you can get into that doesnt start off in a bad foot (its worth thinking about). There is no reason to stay in limbo in this situation, its yes or no, no in-between.

[Thorshammer]

Lol at geeky.

 

I can see that. I never had depression I think, so I wouldnt know. I just know my ex's who had depression had childhood issues they kept buried. I assume they feel what i felt when my ex left me, but always... It was hard being a cheerleader for them, to tell them, "I am happy with us, i see you happy with us, everything is fine, i do like you, you are very important to me and i care about you a lot. How can your perspective change so randomly like that, what are you seeing, where you are feeling, what am i doing?"

 

I thought I was just being too careless and tough, since i am a city-boy and shes from the suburbs outside nyc. Then i read letters she sent to her ex, and i told her, "i thought you said your last ex was super-sweet like a puppy... you had the same issues with him too???"

 

It was an uphill battle. But regardless, none of my ex's got a free pass. They are still a human capable of hurting someone else, and they knew exactly what they wanted to do. I have never loved someone, and knew at the same time that we werent working out, i never loved someone and lost attraction at the same time, i have never loved someone and wanted a future with them- yet knew that our future would not be too positive.

 

Next time i spot inconsistent erratic behavior, and high and lows, i am asking questions!!!

[Donovan79]

That makes sense, Thor, except that as solution-oriented men we're driven by wanting to fix things. This is what always gets me in trouble. I get the smallest whiff of something wrong, and I want to know what it is so I can fix it. I ask her "What's wrong, baby? Talk to me. We can fix it." But that's not what drives most women. To them it sounds insecure. If I was secure I wouldn't give a f#&* what was wrong. Getting issues out into the open certainly wasn't important to my ex. The vast majority of women I've known will bury any malignant problem, no matter how harmful this is, rather than confront it in the open.

 

My current girl abhors bringing problems up to the surface. It looks as painful as childbirth for her. When she says she needs to tell me something I'll sit there for close to ten minutes watching her face work before she finally spits it out that she's feeling lonely, or doesn't feel like she's been getting enough attention, or has been getting emails from her ex, or whatever it is this time. She always feels better when she gets the issues out there, but man is it difficult, and it drives her insane when I pressure her to do it. I think a big part of why we split up a few weeks ago is because she was feeling moody but after four days of me saying "What is it?! What the f#%& is wrong?!" she finally just got too annoyed.

 

It sucks, because facing the issues is the only real long-term solution. Burying things never works out. But some people, men and women both, never grew up around anyone who was able to talk openly about issues and therefore you have to be extremely patient with these types or you risk coming off as a human jackhammer... and not the good kind.

[and123]

Ive been doing this NC now for several times and what I didnt realize I allrady did it when we were in a relationship. Not that I wanted but I didnt call her or anything. When I came from work I chatted with her on messenger and I ofter watched tv aswell at the same time, so my responses were sometimes with 10 minute delays. Now its been 6 days since we were talking(i tried to get coffee with her). And she sayd "eeerm... NO". My female friend suggested to ask why. So I asked her why she didnt want to come. She told "we're nolonger together, we dont have to go out and that we just broke up (1,5months ago) she doesnt want contacts atm. And for me, she's only goes drinking coffee with one friend". So I asked her that doesnt she want to deal with me anymore that arent we friends neather. She sayd "We are talking sometimes with another, so I guess we are friends and if she didnt want to deal with me anymore she would allready told me."

Now I just opened her messaging window and trying to do smalltalk with her. I dont know is it ok to cantact her allready. Its been only 6 days when I called her.

[Thorshammer]

What more info do you need? She doesnt want to talk to you. My post doesnt talk about mind-control, you cant force anything.

 

Leave her alone and heal. You are just looking desperate, and desperation is unattractive. Not only will she not take back an unattractive man, but you will leave your last impression as an unattractive man. Do you want that final impression?

[CMS]

Dude stop pushing man, no more small talks for a while.

[newyear]

Thor, how long does an NC should go before it becomes forever sepration? can NC go indefinitly or there should be a time when the dumpee should break it once and for all?

[EgoJoe]

Thor, how long does an NC should go before it becomes forever sepration? can NC go indefinitly or there should be a time when the dumpee should break it once and for all?

 

Ideally the dumper breaks it.

[Donovan79]

Ideally the dumper breaks it.

 

Here's the rub. Let's say you get dumped. It's harsh, cold, "I love her so much, she's THE ONE for me". She doesn't want to see you anymore.

 

So you go NC. Weeks go by, nothing, you start feeling better. You work out, get some new clothes, remember the good times with friends, maybe even meet a few girls. She messages you here and there to "see how you're doing", but you give only short, neutral responses, nothing to give her the ego boost she wants. Finally she wants to "meet for coffee", which is girl-code for "let's get back together". You say you're busy, change the date a few times, finally meet up.

 

She says "I really miss you and want to see if you still miss me too?" You say you're fine with the breakup, you understand why she did it, and you're life been great. She insists she wants to give it another try. Not wanting to just boost her ego and have her walk off again, you say you can't right now.

 

So you go into that holding pattern, with her *maybe* wanting you and you not giving in.

 

At what point do you finally trust the girl enough to take her back? Seems like maybe you just can't.

[and123]

Well.. I talked to her today. And I know I left her down. We had a nice talk. No relationship talk at all. Just about casual things. Well I suppose I have to let her breathe too. Well.. she's more like a gamer girl. She sits mostly at home and watches her tv series.. Somehow I feel attracted to her that she is not going out partying or stuff like that. Till this time we had for about 4-5 conversations. Once she borught up one thing that was bothering her. I told her I even dont do this anymore even when we were together. She told me "You knew this drived me mad and you still did it" I never knew that... she didnt told me.. Afterthat when I told her about things I allrady quit doing because I realized that it was pointless.. I admit this now but I argued before. And I dont know why.. She was allways right and I cannot understand how come I didnt see it before.. Why I didnt listen to her.. But still I want to be myself.. I want to talk to her. I dont want to do it everyday but I feel like I have to. Because if I havent found time for her before then ignoring her now wont change anything. I want her to know Im still interested in her as that. But i dont want to push..

 

But maybe you're right.. im not thinking logically. But somehow i want it my way..

[Thorshammer]

Thor, how long does an NC should go before it becomes forever sepration? can NC go indefinitly or there should be a time when the dumpee should break it once and for all?

 

The very first day you do it, thats when! The very first day you hear about the break-up, you let her go and move on. If you decide to contact in the future, you do so when you have moved on, when you took your loses, and you learned and hopefully changed. Only then would you be able to reach out while in a position of strength, confidence, and most importantly... carelessness. You cant get to this point if you cling on with weak desperation- hope, fate, magic rainbows went out the window- all means nothing and are thrown out, because they blunt healing. This has the added benefit of healing, which follows all the positive changes i said above.

 

As for an actual number, that all varies. You cant use numbers on human interaction. I have had women break contact and chase 2 days later, to a year and a half, and one has chased me for 6 years (to this very day). If i were to guess, i would say the longer the relationship, the longer it takes for you to be forgotten.

[Thorshammer]

I never could, even 6 years later (which shows some serious dedication). My friend, who is like my sister, who once hated my ex, tried to talk me into trying again with my ex. I just cant, you get your heart-broken, and for some people, their mind creates a defensive mechanism, where if they meet anyone who reminds them of their ex, they lose attraction. I call it the EXample of what you dont want- an ex is someone who didnt make it, so they become the (ex)ample of what will go wrong. Obviously, this is my thinking, it doesnt have to be everybody elses.

 

But, its always a risk to try with someone who rejected you. You need to dive in there, otherwise, you are just either playing a game, or seeking your revenge (and yes, i did both-i only got back with 1 ex and the BU period was only a month). All this talk about getting you back and becoming confident, extends to you being confident in taking a risk with her, or anyone else.

 

Like i said in my first post, i feed them a bit, i compliment them on their changes, all so THEY can put in the work to break down their wall and tell me their real agenda (and i mean flat out tell me what i want to hear). Thats how much work i would put in only, me clearing the road so they can approach and try without feeling i would attack them or seek vengeance.

[Donovan79]

Thats how much work i would put in only, me clearing the road so they can approach and try without feeling i would attack them or seek vengeance.

 

That "not seeking vengeance" is a good way to put it, hombre. I just had another meetup with my girl tonight, who'd dumped me out of the blue when I moved to her country to start a new job. Her best friend apparently adored me and told me that my ex (Sara) had moved on to her *own* ex (Carl) after she broke up with me. Carl had been trying like hell to get her back after he found out she and I were serious, but as I was away for eight weeks squaring away my isht, he came down hard on her, promising to fix all the things that'd been wrong when they were going out, and seriously effed with her head to the point where when I came back she couldn't handle it and we broke up.

 

So three weeks later, full NC from me, she wants to get back together, we meet a few times, and tonight it comes out that she gave it another shot with Carl a few days after she broke up with me. This lasted approximately two weeks, at which point she realised that she'd just given up something much better, Carl was his same old useless self, and backward wasn't a direction she wanted to go in. So she began trying to get me back.

 

I love the girl, I really do... but "not seeking vengeance". Can a dude really get over what she pulled and accept that she was messed up in the head and give it another go? Tough call.

[Zain]

thor,

what if now we are talking like we used to and as if there are no problems but really the fact stands that we aren't together. she hasn't openly said we are done for or we are gonna work at reconciling, she just says shes scared. Since you said it's yes or no, no in between,I've asked her but she gets irritated. idk what to do

[Thorshammer]

thor,

what if now we are talking like we used to and as if there are no problems but really the fact stands that we aren't together. she hasn't openly said we are done for or we are gonna work at reconciling, she just says shes scared. Since you said it's yes or no, no in between,I've asked her but she gets irritated. idk what to do

 

She could be using you as a safety-net, something to fall back on in case something else (be it someone else, or single-life itself) doesnt work out. Or, she could be missing the comfort and familiarity, but the attraction, or prospect of the relationship is still questionable, so she "tests the waters'.

 

Like i said in my first post, if you pull too much, you need to push away. This doesnt always mean less contact, this is more along the lines of not showing your cards and having her believe you are still pulling her in again. If you pushed away, then you pull a bit, you already made it clear you want her back, no need to keep restating it (if you pulled too much- needy, clingy, etc. - i would stay away from helping her think you are waiting for her, or that she is leading the situation).

 

I just have to warn you, she can justify her behavior because the commitment is off. She can talk to another guy behind you back and justify it because shes single. If this was the situation, you cant stick around and be there for her. This makes her bold to act on this other situation, you might be feeding her confidence, and buying her time. So, dont keep pressuring her and making yourself a doormat, even if her intentions arent related to talking to someone else.

[Thorshammer]

 

I love the girl, I really do... but "not seeking vengeance". Can a dude really get over what she pulled and accept that she was messed up in the head and give it another go? Tough call.

 

Yes, that is tough. I always suspected my ex's left for other men, usually ex's. I even had a post here floating around about how to break up a relationship, its possible he might have played that game- (making his ex think THEY are the team, using whatever she feeds him about what you did as something bigger than it really is (he did that... eh, you see, thats what i learned, when a man does that blah blah, thats why i changed), so much so that she justifies her "cheating" with it because they are a TEAM, dumb things like that). I am sure he might have even done what i outlined what to do for a pusher in my first post.

 

I wouldnt take her back, i dont know if i can settle into a relationship knowing what she did. I wouldnt feel as "safe" in that union. But, its your call.

[dino9401]

I have a question. What is the next step. We broke up in December and I went NC early in January. I really worked on myself. I lost weight, hit the gym hard, dated several other women, did volunteer work, etc. So last week I contacted her to meet up for lunch. We met up and it seemed to be fine. She seemed a bit nervous, but was friendly enough. After lunch when we said goodbye she said "see you again?" I told her not to be a stranger and we could meet up again sometime. About the breakup. She broke up with me because she needed time for herself. It really broke my heart. She never tried to contact me during the last couple of months. So I made an effort to contact her and like I said we met. So now what should I do? Should I wait and see if she contacts me or should I make an effort again in a couple of weeks?

[Thorshammer]

Maybe someone else can answer your question. I am being general in my posts, you read, compare your experience and situation, adjust if needed, and discard if useless.

 

I would keep it friendly, but still attract. There is no magic to this, she is a woman who lost interest in you, she said "see you again"- what do YOU do when you are on a date with someone -who you suspect might not be interested, and says that? Yes, she is your ex, and you have a past and you know her mannerisms and likes and dislikes, but you are both back to square 1 (all those years of dating are erased, she owes you nothing now), except you started off on a bad foot from the break up (which is like dating someone who you think might not like you due to xxx reasons).

 

I would keep that perspective in mind when you approach. If you cant keep this perspective... then guess what? You havent healed, and you might slip into desperation and sadness, thats not what you do with a new potential because you fear turning them off (again, you are back to day one with someone you believe might not be interested in you).

[ghengisT]

Hey Thor-

 

I've been following some of your posts. Very inspiring stuff. Thanks for taking the time to share advice & observations.

 

I'd like to ask some advice for my current situation, if you have time. I wrote a post back in Nov. 2011 ( ) and you had responded about dealing w/ my girlfriend of 4 years who was suffering from low self esteem/depression. One of the things you told me was to show strong emotion.. Well, I forgot about it as things had gotten better, and a couple months later, sometime in mid January I was under a ton of stress & broke down in front of her crying. Early February she tells me that the "feeling's" not there anymore. She wanted to take a break, I told her I'd rather not be strung along. She cried telling me that I was so good to her, and I was never mean back, etc. She said she had started to resent me (she didn't know why)..

 

4 days pass, I reach out to her to have dinner. We text a little about it throughout the day, she says I'm still her best friend We talk on the phone prior to meeting for dinner & I tried to pull her back in, told her that we wouldn't have made it 4yrs if there was nothing there. She said she didn't want to make me feel bad because tomorrow is valentine's day & doesn't want me to feel like we're getting back together, and she really needs time apart right now. Our BU was totally mutual, no fighting. I had become the needy one in our relationship (opposite of what I was when we met), and I pulled too much. Trying to avoid being "friend-zoned".

 

Here's where I'm at right now:

 

-Actively back in college, pursing Bachelors > MBA

-Started going to Muay Thai practice again

-Taking advanced Yoga classes w/ coworkers

-Taking my pride in my job

-Dropping the extra weight

 

-2wks NC, I sent her a text telling her I'm 100% convinced she was right. Breaking up was best for us both. Hope ur great

(It's true. I got waaay too comfortable..)

 

-3wks NC, I go out w/ friends for a birthday bash, uploaded a few group photos to FB. I'm sitting next to birthday girl.

 

-Next night, she texts me telling me that she unfriended me today because I did that to try and make her feel bad. "Glad to see u r moving on fast.. also I did not appreciate ur mean txt u sent while I was at work."

 

-One week later, I get a text from her: "hey how r you?"

 

-I waited 5 days & responded: "doing great, been really busy. hope you're really good"

 

==========

 

Should I be doing anything differently?

[flatplane]

Seems pretty spot to on me. Did she reply to the text you sent back?

[ghengisT]

Yeah she responded that night, mentioning the dog I had got her a year before:

 

"Glad to hear it. I am very relieved, I don't need to find bear a home! we r keeping him."

[flatplane]

No need to respond to that as I see it.....back to NC IMO.

[Thorshammer]

I chatted with a poster who said that same thing "the break up was for the best" (which comes from pua advice, he did it on his own, i never gave him that advice). She chased him hard after that. I personally think its risky, its too much game-playing that can go either way, i know you said you were being truthful with that comment, i just say this in case other posters get ideas. I try to keep my advice "safe", not too extreme or deceptive, i dont want to be blamed for making their situation worse.

 

You are doing fine as far as what a puller who was broken up with should do as i laid out in my post. But, if this careless 'just friendly' behavior isnt real, or you slip, she will catch it. Remember, if you were confident, careless, strong, and healed, then you wouldnt mind (or be scared of) texting her asking how shes doing as well. Yes, it does seem your pushing is gathering her interest, but you do have to send a feeler at some point if she doesnt. You need to analyze her, keep in mind how she reacts to certain things, you know her, not anyone else, you plan things out, no one else. You need to put the puzzle together yourself- but always heal, and dont let hope raise up your expectations- no matter how "good" it looks, its still will always be like using a knife in a gun-fight.

 

She might have resented you because you took a part of the emotion in the relationship. Some need someone to be strong for them, not hog the spotlight when it comes to expressing emotions (especially people with issues). If you are weak, who can they trust to help them with their own emotions (when they themselves feel weak)? It traps the relationship with weak and sad emotions when both are expressing it, no escape or release from this cycle of sadness for her... except one.. and that is to be single and free.

 

My ex tried to break me so many times, testing my strength constantly. Her anxiety trying to test my feelings, her depression trying to test my ability to keep it together.