How to TRY to get an ex back...

[Jim Wormold]

Hurt makes other hurt... hurt more, so i understand. I know i shut off my friends and didnt want to see them, i saw them as selfish and fake. For me personally, i was overly sensitive to everything, its normal, i am in an emotional state as is from the break up. It takes time to leave that state.

 

No it was actually the other way round. Thanks to all my reading since my BU, I was

able to tell the tell-tale signs of their marriage in crisis. Well, there was that and that I

knew they are getting marriage counseling. But their behaviour would have caused a serious

rift anyway, regardless of my BU. Others I have spoken to about it have been gobsmacked.

 

He has changed for the worse in the last two or three years which is having a knock on effect

on others. Imagine...watching your brother-in-law making mistakes in his marriage that one

commonly reads about here! And that with your sister. None of my business, but they were

obviously projecting a lot of BS onto me. Anyway, I will be keeping my distance.

 

Sorry if this is getting off-topic. I just think that BUs and family dont mix too well. Too many

hidden agendas and projections.

[Coconut Twin]

Oh, my ex treated me like a king when she could. She adored me, we always talked 24/7.

 

Its when the bug hits, usually when i do something that another person would shrug, she would twist it into an attack on me, or if she did something i didnt like and i voiced my concern... world war 3 would erupt in my living-room.

 

What were you doing, i dont see being sad and feeling down as a reason for someone to leave (granted, i know some people feel certain energies that they feel the relationship cant grow, as they say; depression can be contagious- but still, i personally dont see that as being a nightmare).

 

What was I doing? Well I think it was just the progression of having everything to not having everything which effected my mind state,I started to feel down about myself. He looked after me through all of this, he was my 'rock' and I can not thank him enough for helping me through such tough times.

 

To be frank, i've had time to moll over this and I feel because he had some self issues too, not insecurities, he just didn't know what he wanted to do as a career and it made him quite down a lot of the time. So I think his low feelings and mine didn't allow us to grow as a couple, in the end he said he needed space to sort himself out, oh and he also mentioned that sometimes I get jealous and erratic, when a pretty girl is in his line of view. (I was jealous twice btw)

 

So yea, I guess that's why he ended it. I felt a little let down because I was so sad about my financial situation, not having a place and so on and then bam! you're dumped on top, but its ok. If it was draggin him down and making him low and in his words preventing him from focusing, well then, what can one do? just accept and move on unfortunately...

 

 

what do you think? what do you also think about his recent email to me saying he really wants to talk about where we went wrong? I found that a tad annoying...

[Coconut Twin]

admin delete this please...I posted twice by mistake.

[TangySour]

I think I need to clarify some things here. Like I said, I did a lot of reflecting and thinking on what happened. The real reason we broke up was because she just wasn't attracted to me anymore. Now to explain this. Yes I was clingy but not really. The clingy-est situation I can think of that I really made **** hit the fan that day, was when I got angry about her ditching our bowling plans to go out with a friend. Even then I wasn't that mad. I just told her I was upset she ditched me to hang out with a friend when we had plans. What really made her decide to leave was the comfort. We got too comfortable. Life got routine. We'd wake up, kiss, go to work, meet up later, eat, watch TV, then sleep. Each day. Everyday. It was our routine and to be honest, at the time we knew it sucked and I even acknowledged it, but like I said, we got too comfortable with what we were doing. We lost the spontaneous of the relationship. We lost the surprises we would throw for each other. I don't blame her for leaving. There is no way in hell anyone can see a future continuing that kind of rut. We got unhealthy, lazy, and had no motivation to do anything outside our comfort zone. I am not saying that I am 100% unclingy, but I would weight the ratio at 20% clingy and 80% neglect for why it had to end.

 

The breakup was the wakeup slap I needed to get my ass back in gear. Not for her, but for me. And if the for me works out and I become who I was before, great! I might have a chance.

 

Back when I first started dating her, I was spontaneous. I was romantic. I was full of surprises. I could have even made a simple dinner date that much more awesome because I was myself. You have no idea what I had to risk to get her to fall for me, and you have no idea the things I have done for her to keep that spark so bright it might as well be the sun. The blob sitting on the couch is not me. And this is why I know I am myself again. Because I am smiling and confident now. I am no longer that couch potato. I have joined the gym again. I have gone out with all my friends doing random stuff we haven't done in years. I finally broke out of my shell to my old social laughing guy. I became this awkward quiet guy since we started becoming lazy. And a part of being myself, is to go balls out to get what I want. I did so to win her.

 

I also need to clarify this. The flowers are not random. The meeting is not random. I am not stalking her house. What I said was, we have plans on Sunday for coffee. I was gonna show up early and catch her before she leaves the house to meet me. And then go from there. I am not stuck on that plan. Just giving ideas and getting some input from non bias group. My friends all say hell yea shes the one but I need the unbiased.

[TangySour]

Also, I think I need to define clingy/needy in case we feel it is different.

For me, a clingy person would be someone who always has to know where you are, what you're doing, and who you're with.

 

There is a fine line with this because in a way, people naturally tell these things to their partners. I know I do. I would just be like "Im hanging out with Graham on Saturday. Probably gonna play games and watch the UFC fights". It doesn't even have to be in the future. She does it too. "I'm hanging out with my friend tonight. It's a board games night".

 

It becomes clingy when we have to hammer the details out of someone. She is a free woman and does not have to report to me. She can if she wants. And I can ask about it later if it really concerns me but no interrogating.

 

Clingy to me is also the need to always have these high expectations that she has to meet or you will be upset. She feels I am clingy sometimes because she thinks I will be upset if she does not have sex with me so many times a week.

I will admit to getting grouchy every now and then with this (when you gotta go you gotta go hahaha) but I have been working hard on that and it has been showing. Each time she mentions "but you get upset every time I say no" and I'm like "whens the last time this happened" "um.. I guess.. uhh.. a long time ago" yea exactly... lol

[EgoJoe]

Sometimes people have legitimate needs for intimacy to a person who is incapable of providing the most miniscule of support and to an indifferent or atleast seemingly indifferent/ambivalent person this is needy or clingy. But, to the right person who knows you are not always this way (and can be objective enough to make the distinction) they will realize this and not use "always" etc. statements.

 

Also, once you start hearing a Woman say "You get" "You are" "You did" etc. you have now entered into the emotional singularity and all you can do is what you did, ask a question that allows her to draw her own conclusion because proving her wrong will just feed cognative dissonance when she is angry. OR cut and run and do a bit of mocking. Nothing you can do about it and I guess most women get over this type of thinking eventually but it is the truth of things. Guys have our own mental and emotional handicaps don't get us wrong trying to equate logic and emotion without a scientific background is analgous to the guy on monty python smashing his head between bricks saying I LOVE YOU.

 

IMO IME OBV etc.

[Thorshammer]

I think I need to clarify some things here. Like I said, I did a lot of reflecting and thinking on what happened. The real reason we broke up was because she just wasn't attracted to me anymore. Now to explain this. Yes I was clingy but not really. The clingy-est situation I can think of that I really made **** hit the fan that day, was when I got angry about her ditching our bowling plans to go out with a friend. Even then I wasn't that mad. I just told her I was upset she ditched me to hang out with a friend when we had plans.

 

Yes, that is clingy and controlling, as i said in my post. But if this was all there is, then maybe that wasnt the reason. Though we wont know how she saw this behavior as, we can only guess.

 

What really made her decide to leave was the comfort. We got too comfortable. Life got routine. We'd wake up, kiss, go to work, meet up later, eat, watch TV, then sleep. Each day. Everyday. It was our routine and to be honest, at the time we knew it sucked and I even acknowledged it, but like I said, we got too comfortable with what we were doing. We lost the spontaneous of the relationship. We lost the surprises we would throw for each other. I don't blame her for leaving. There is no way in hell anyone can see a future continuing that kind of rut. We got unhealthy, lazy, and had no motivation to do anything outside our comfort zone. I am not saying that I am 100% unclingy, but I would weight the ratio at 20% clingy and 80% neglect for why it had to end.

 

On my first post i talked about the changes in the dynamics of a relationships and the effect it might have. But, I dont see that as neglect, she has has stock in the relationship, she also has a say- shes not a robot. I dont see this as neglect. You didnt abandon her.

 

The breakup was the wakeup slap I needed to get my ass back in gear. Not for her, but for me. And if the for me works out and I become who I was before, great! I might have a chance.

 

Back when I first started dating her, I was spontaneous. I was romantic. I was full of surprises. I could have even made a simple dinner date that much more awesome because I was myself. You have no idea what I had to risk to get her to fall for me, and you have no idea the things I have done for her to keep that spark so bright it might as well be the sun. The blob sitting on the couch is not me. And this is why I know I am myself again. Because I am smiling and confident now. I am no longer that couch potato. I have joined the gym again. I have gone out with all my friends doing random stuff we haven't done in years. I finally broke out of my shell to my old social laughing guy. I became this awkward quiet guy since we started becoming lazy. And a part of being myself, is to go balls out to get what I want. I did so to win her.

 

I wrote the above without reading this, so you are aware of the changes and how you moved away from what she found attractive. So yes, this would make things different. No one wants to look at the person they ended up as they sit there giving up and throwing away the man they fell for.

 

I also need to clarify this. The flowers are not random. The meeting is not random. I am not stalking her house. What I said was, we have plans on Sunday for coffee. I was gonna show up early and catch her before she leaves the house to meet me. And then go from there. I am not stuck on that plan. Just giving ideas and getting some input from non bias group. My friends all say hell yea shes the one but I need the unbiased.

 

I dont know, when i read "catch her off guard" it will seem planned, especially since you plan to meet her afterward. I mean, you know her, i cant visualize how you are setting this up, or how your behavior will be, if you feel strong in this and dont think it wont come out forced, then you have the answer to this working more than anyone here.

 

I would just think long and hard about this, it seems there is some confusion to being needy. I am peeking at your bottom post while i type this, and the sexual thing seems to be a problem, it can come off very needy (but then again it could be her reaction to losing attraction to you, so at that point being needy was just adding to the problem, but not being the main catalyst).

 

Needy and clingy, as i read it, is; not having your "other life". Basically living through her. Any attempts at controlling her behavior for your sake. Trying to fill the gap of distance between you both by pulling her in more (you do this for YOU, not for her, being needy is you wanting something), doing this for you as opposed to doing it for her (i give you flowers because you dont pay attention to me, as opposed to giving you flowers because its a tuesday- the second option is way more powerful and less controlling). Basically, it runs in to many things that can fill this post, but it is what being needy/clingy is to her.

 

Either way I think if you have the strength to do it and not be crushed, then do it anyway. You dont want this to eat away at you when you look back. If you feel it was because of you gave off an impression that you "gave up"- then i would try again and get my point accross. Though she doesnt seem receptive to your advances, i would think more of this being a PR campaign, basically saying, "hey, i know what i did... i am aware"- try to attract, then close the night. Leave that final impression, last thing you want is to REALLY come off needy and clingy attached to this final message.

[Thorshammer]

I know when finals came along, my ex would start going nuts again. I didnt want the stress, i used to tell her i need alone time for the next few weeks. When she started turning into the incredible hulk during a mid-term, i was thinking of letting her go because i felt my head was going to explode. I can take a lot of licks though, so i cant really relate to what hes feeling since i never really planned an exit. But i do know that i shared in my ex's pain, and if you care about someone and you are normally an empathetic person, you in a way become them... so i did have some depressive like feelings somewhere inside of me when she would be down.

 

My ex also got erratic when she would get jealous. She would just get mad at me out of nowhere and want to leave. I didnt mind though.

 

I dont know about the email, you know him. There is only one person that can find that out, and thats you when you answer it. I have never been in your position, i have been in his (which wont help since i never left for his reason), nor have i read anything about a break up happening as it has happened in your case (hence why my first post warned that this has nothing to do with a break up with depression, because me being HIM coming out of a depressed relationship, i didnt know what to do, or what happened since everything was erratic and in puzzles). I would just work on yourself, and any contact has to be positive with him, and avoid dwelling too much on the negative, and focusing more on solutions if possible.

[TangySour]

I know the example of clingy that I gave is not the only time Ive been that way. The example was the worst case one I think but I feel that in a way, she'd understand why I got upset that she ditched me last minute to go out with a friend. We made the plans a week before. I know the sex thing is me being clingy. There have also been a few times that I have told her to text me when she gets home to let me know shes safe. After a few times and before I would even ask she would just tell me, I'll text you when I'm home. Yet I know with that, she feels I am controlling. I am just worried because one time her friends ditched her on the side of the road after drinking and she had to call me at 2:30am to come save her in the middle of some dark alley downtown. I **** bricks after that night.

 

I know it may not be directly considered neglect but I see it as that I neglected to make things better for us. I neglected her by becoming this blob that she eventually became a part of because she really did want this to work. I neglected myself. My health. Her health. Our relationship. The spark. The spontaneity. All was abandoned because things got comfortable and it became routine. You could say, I "gave up"

 

Im happy to hear that I am at least recognized for being aware of the changes and how it caused all this loss of attraction. My self reflection and taking a step back to really look at the big picture really made me open my eyes. Considering she broke up with me a month ago, I think I have made a LOT of progress. Sure I miss her every now and then but I am going to justify it as a different kind of missing her. I feel there is a difference in missing someone because you were so used to her being there and now theres a void to fill for comfort, and the missing someone where you really care about them and you just cannot wait until you next see them. I believe the second one is more genuine and is the kind of missing you should have when you want someone.

 

I do know this girl very well. I have been through hell and back more than once with her. We stuck it out together. I have seen her happy days and her sad days. I know deep inside how she feels and perceives things though it takes me a while to really process it sometimes. Like how it took me this long to process why she REALLY actually left me even though all the signs were there.

 

Please explain to me what you mean by "forced"? Like my intentions are not genuine and I am just forcing myself to do something that the "real" me wouldn't do? Or I am forcing the idea upon her that I am here to win her back?

 

The plans for our coffee are not concrete yet. Say for example we decide 4pm. I was thinking of meeting her at her house at 3:45pm as a surprise before she drives out to meet me. I haven't really thought out how it will go down yet but she will most likely say "Hey, what are you doing here?" I would probably start talking about how we lost the element of surprise and this is a restart of it. Give her the flowers and say "these are for you. No special occasion. Just because its Sunday" (I liked your statement and stole it haha). Then I think she will either feel awkward and be like "ok.... thanks" or "oh thanks. its beautiful" but im more leaning on the awkward side happening lol then I don't know. Still thinking about this whole idea.

 

The sex thing is kind of a big deal. Now that you put it into perspective, it most likely was the reaction to the loss of attraction. She saw how things were gonna go if we kept us this routine and had already started to doubt the relationship. She used to be AWESOME in bed and I think after she realized and had doubt and lost attraction, the sex went down with it. So each time I initiated sex, her heart was not into it and she felt pressure to please me. She would go through with it and sure it felt good but the intimacy and emotions behind it did not exist for her. This is why if we get back together, sex is out of the equation. I will wait until she is ready to do that without feeling pressure. Sex is great and is important to me in a relationship but it is by no means the main driving force in being with her. I think removing it for the first several months will do us some good. We can focus on the more important things. Keeping the spark up, spontaneity, surprises, being less clingy, and just taking it REAL slow. We moved too damn fast before.

 

You are right about the controlling her behaviour as needy and clingy. When I realllllllly think about it, I could care less when I first started dating. I don't care what she wears, what she did, who she hung out with, as long as she comes home to me at the end of the day so to speak. Now she feels she has to dress nice for me or i'll get pissed. She feels she has to spend every available second with me or i'll get upset. Feels she has to sex often enough with me or i'll get pissed. The reason why she felt she had to dress nice, because I started to "overdress" for our date nights and she felt she had to compare even though I didn't care. I also complained 1 or 2 times that she never wears the clothing I bought for her. This probably hit her hard though she didn't say anything. She also feels every time she dresses nice, she is obligated to have sex after the date. It usually ends up happening but I told her it didn't have to. I can initiate and if shes not into it, then say something. I dont mind as long as she tells me. The problem with this, she usually just keeps silent and ignores my advances. This causes her to feel pressure because she isnt telling me "no not today" but then I feel rejected from the ignoring. I told her many times, just say something. I'll be cool. I prefer verbal "rejection" than physical "rejection".

 

Well, I feel I do have the strength to go up there and really be myself. This is the same strength that made me risk all I had to win her the first time around. Sometimes, just gotta say screw it and just do it. That's how I was and how I am now. Being crushed? I cannot say for sure I will be 100% OK should she tell me to F off but like you said, me being so lazy and in the rut did give off an impression that I gave up on all the special things and that life will just be the way it is as the routine. This is me not giving up. This is me fighting for the girl that I love and care for. This is me showing her I am aware of what went wrong and how things will be different if we get back.

[TangySour]

I just found out her brother is in the hospital and she has been there for 12 hours last night in ER with her friend/roommate. I know this has been a very stressful week for her due to school and now her brother. Should I text her to make sure she is ok?

[CMS]

Unless you are good friends with her brother (which case I would recommend you to ask HIM how HE is), otherwise you are just doing more pulling, which you did plenty of them before and got you nowhere.

[TangySour]

Unless you are good friends with her brother (which case I would recommend you to ask HIM how HE is), otherwise you are just doing more pulling, which you did plenty of them before and got you nowhere.

 

I am not exactly "good friends" with her brother but I've hung out with them on several occasions and we're pretty chill with each other. I did end up texting her (before I read your comment) but I kept it simple and light. All I said was that "I heard about her brother" and "hope he is ok." I then proceeded to say "if she needs someone to talk to or vent to just call". (She is having a really stressful week due to school and now her brother. She has been stressing over this week of school for months now because of all the conferences). I then wished her good luck with the conferences with a smiley at the end.

 

So I figure the message was not pushy, no begging or pleading, just a friendly concern is all.

[tomato]

I dont know if I pushed or pulled - almost seems like I did both - during the LTR I didnt give enough attention - I had a masters to do she was at home alone with no friends inthe city and I worked too much. I was also "controlling" (she was aswell but of course thats not important) as in I wanted to see her phone and texts to other guys after she broke my trust once and hid some emails from me (now i know she was doing that because she had no friends and I was neglecting her)- so I dont know what to do? I have pasted what I think the reasons for the breakup are in my next post below.

 

could you give me your input on this please?

 

BU was almost 4 months ago now - cant believe its been so long. I initially went NC although I regret it now she did come to me after 5 weeks (but she also had a ONS with some guy she started an emotional affair with while still with me - hence the regret). Then about 5 weeks ago we started hanging out together and everything was like it was in the golden days - the second time we met we had amazing s**. However she kept on wantning to say we are friends now we need to have rules - I thought I would make a preemptive strike - so it wouldnt be me chasing her again ---I just flat out said I didnt want to be her friend and we couldnt be and we should stop seeing each other. This stopped us seeing each other for 4 weeks. Then after 3 attempts at organising a meetup last week on monday I went to her house pretty mad and just let it all out and told her I knew about the emotional affair and the ONS. She just acted coldly as if it wasnt a big deal and was totally ok to flirt and since we were broken up the ONS was fine. - very distant and horrible - I tried to get a reaction out of her by being insulting I was horrible back but it didnt work.

 

Since then I tried to apologise, she responded to a few texts but then just started ignoring me (she stopped taking my calls weeks ago). She says we need to go NC so we can "get over each other" and we can only meet when we are over it. -I say WHY - its not a disease! WHy treat it like one! why do we need to cure ourselves - theres nothing wrong with having feelings - its natural - why fight that - and it just wont work ffs!

 

Anyway I tried to ask her out for a chat - she ignored it - so I deleted her number and told her I was.

 

I get the feeling that she still harbours MASSIVE amounts of resentment towards me and this is all just a front - she is not acting herself she is putting up this facade to try and break me into chasing her and apologising and saying its all my fault so she can finally laugh at me.

 

I want to try and send a letter so we can go into NC with no hard feelings - at the moment she wont want to contact me.

 

What you think of my letter?

 

was thinking of going to where she lives and maybe just talking to her about it - almost read it out to her in person - just as one last try? Its better in person than as a letter no? - There is the problem of her ignoring me - I get the feeling she has this stupid idea of me starting to border on "stalker" because I texted her last week quite a few times asking for a reply - thats why I hesitate - I want to work for her - but fear it will come accross the wrong way.

 

 

Hey name,

 

How are you? What you been upto? - been so long since we caught up damm I miss talking to you as well you know!

 

I had to delete all our texts to get rid of your number. There where like tens of thousands! it made me realise we had a * * * * ing awesome time and did so much. Also you put in a LOT of effort and so did I. Also made me realise a lot of things I did that I didn't ever mean to do I'm sure you've realised things you did that you regret. That's all in the past now though I think we can agee its just done.

 

Ok we had a bad phase in a bad situation where we both went a bit psyco and grabbed each other a bit too tightly. We only did that because we cared so much. That's all it was though, its done. When we met up we had a * * * * ing awesome time, that's what we're really like, let's stop kidding ourselves into thinking we didn't and can't just have an amazing time, we can. Anyway its been * * * * ing ages! Laughing about it is the best thing we can do, not talking is like pretending there isn't an elephant in the room.

 

Most important: whatever we're worried about still being there... It's still there after all this time so it's obviously not going anywhere. whatever it is... It's not a disease! So we don't need to be cured right!? I realised... why should we try and cure something that isn't a disease? And even if we wanted to, just ignoring an elephant isn't going to make it go away.... Laughing at it will.

 

end with a bit of a joke? any suggestions?

[SmilingKatty]

I think you should make it lighter and more easy going. And do not talk about the disease...

[tomato]

why we broke up:

 

non-existent social circle

- spent too much time with her not enouugh socialising -she didnt have anything to do so she wanted me there 24/7 this meant I couldnt make friends (she also got very jealous when I told her I had asked girls about their work - wasnt allowed to talk to them - even if she wants you there its not best - you need to get a social cirslie to provide a range of stimulation

 

insecure (because she had male friends and you didnt have female friends - mismatched power) clingy/neediness

- tried too hard to keep relationship together - both of us - ok for her to do - not ok for you - therefore called controlling

 

 

Always working

- neglected her - didnt spend "quality time" with her enough and too much "non-quality time"

 

also:

environment not coducive to happiness

- also not enough novelty

 

no long term plans

- need something to aim for - house etc

[tomato]

I think you should make it lighter and more easy going. And do not talk about the disease...

 

I agree want to make it lighter - When I first met her I was very easy going and "light" I need to be more fun and easy going - but I dont know how to mix that with the stuff I'm talking about - thats why I want to do it in person - could you make any suggestions how to make it ighter?

[Thorshammer]

Tomato, i remember your old posts. Dude, if i remember correctly, she is not the one to try to get back. What you need back is your time from her. At some point the towel needs to be thrown in. Getting an ex back is not easy, and trying to get one back like her... is even more difficult, because she is difficult.

 

Dont point the finger at yourself, dont excuse her behavior and look the other way.

 

I once dated a girl that yelled at me and cursed me out as her way to break up with me. She was a self-centered gold digging princess, who only had her looks going for her. I just hung up the phone and stared at my ceiling with anger after she broke up with me. I learned about NC from that situation, my mom gave me advice, she said, "ignore her, act like you broke up with her and live your life"- she would IM- i would reply with a simple, "yeah, i am good". Email, "yeah, i am cool." She called to tell me she was aware that I sent a guy to message her, which was a lie, i have no idea what she was talking about, so i said i wasnt into games and that i am busy. She kept doing all these tricks to get my attention, and i doubt it was friendship, we were both sexually attracted to each other. I knew then, she was not the one, and the next girlfriend blew her away. Eventually i would contact her, add her to myspace, she would barrage my inbox with messages, and i would ignore- she saw the once skinny me now muscular and going out. It felt good, that feeling was far better than being with her.

[tomato]

Thank you for your reply!

 

I cant just let it go - I cant do that, I even met a girl that was a prettier and cleverer than her and slept with her but that didn't change anything really (it distracted me for a while but didn't last long) - I am not giving up on this even if it takes years. I can give her space for weeks or months if thats whats needed but of course its been 13 weeks now - there is a chance of other mates coming along all the time......thats the only reason I dont want to wait. She doesnt have another full time guy at the moment - there is a space. KNOWING HER IT WILL NOT BE OPEN FOR LONG - unlikely another month of total NC possibly less, very unlikely much longer than 2. She moved onto me after 4/5 months of NC with her ex - about the same time frame.....

 

I have to do something active - I'm not going to be passive anymore - please give me an idea of the best thing i can di that is active. Go to her place and try and be nice? ( I wasnt last monday) even thought if calling her with another phone? and just acting normal - I did that before and it worked when she contacted me.

 

So having read my previous stuff, can you tell me if I pushed or pulled? I feel like I did both....???

 

I am meeting other girls, I am going to the gym more than ever, I am doing other stuff with friends, I am "moving on" - so please no more advice for that - I love your response but I need to know what side i fall on and what to do -

 

I have been texting her for the past week and she doesnt want to talk and then began ignoring her texts. She also got one of her friends to flake on a bussiness meeting I had with her to organise her new flat!

[Thorshammer]

 

I have been texting her for the past week and she doesnt want to talk and then began ignoring her texts. She also got one of her friends to flake on a bussiness meeting I had with her to organise her new flat!

 

The past doesnt matter in your case, this line says it all. You are pulling too much. You keep pulling, you contact- you pull, you plan to meet her- you pull- you are active in trying to get her back- you pull, thats ALL pulling in. If you did push away, your pulling now scratched that perspective and is painting you as someone who is pulling too much, if you pulled too much, then you continue to confirm her decision that you are not attractive (as this kills attraction for many people).

 

Its not working. You need to see that you are going around in circles.

 

What you dont want to do is the only thing left to do. Its the only thing you havent tried because you keep re-setting it by pulling. And if she meets someone else, so what? I dont understand the logic of you pulling her makin a difference, she knows you are trying, its not like she will run into another mans arms because you didnt try, she will run into another mans arm because she wants to. If you are there or not, she will move on if she wants to. And pulling has not worked with this one.

[stagn]

Reconciliation works for some people, NOT all. If I have to go by statistics and facts reconciliation typically takes more than a year and less than 10 years. Chance of reconciliation happening is about 3%. Now ask yourself do you really want to give up 10 YEARS of your life for a 3% chance of getting back together?

 

MAN/WOMAN up and meet other decent human beings that will accept YOU for who you are with all your imperfections. I was in denial for a while, but when I look at the facts staring at me straight in the face...I moved on. Yeah I DO miss her, sure. Do I think about getting back together? You betcha. Am I delusional? NO. In the words of the late Randy Pausch "Life dealt you a crappy hand. Your job is to play it to your best abilities." Every relationship whether it's a month to 30 years is meant to teach you something. Learn and move on.

[tomato]

The past doesnt matter in your case, this line says it all. You are pulling too much. You keep pulling, you contact- you pull, you plan to meet her- you pull- you are active in trying to get her back- you pull, thats ALL pulling in. If you did push away, your pulling now scratched that perspective and is painting you as someone who is pulling too much, if you pulled too much, then you continue to confirm her decision that you are not attractive (as this kills attraction for many people).

YES THANK YOU -

 

this is the most helpful advice I've received for ages. Because of your reply I didnt try calling her using another phone where she wouldnt have been able to tell it was me..... I needed you to point this out. I think you are right. I had to do some pulling - I pushed her away at the end of the relationship for months (because she was dishonest with me- but of course she just felt it as me being cold controlling and horrible for 3 months). Is there anything I can do about this? I want to show I changed and have time for her now and forgive her - just last week I insulted her, she said to me "You couldnt ever trust me anymore could you?" - very telling line - how can I show her I do after the bad insulting I did last week? Also I want to be there for her now you see she is going through a bad time (she is a lot of the time it seems - possibly because of the breakup aswell) I want to be there for her - she has made friends since BU but she told me they let her pass out in the toilets of a club and some random stranger found her! I knew they were not dependable - she is sad hurt and generally a mess since the BU she's going to be taken advantage of - there's going to be some * * * * * * * PUA appearing as a knight in shining armour thats going to pounce on that and use her and spit her out!

 

Are you saying even if I did push I've now pulled enough to make me a "puller" as it were? How do I recover from this - make her realise I am sorry and have changed if I don't talk to her? - I just didnt want to leave me insulting her that as the last impression

 

Its not working. You need to see that you are going around in circles.

 

What you dont want to do is the only thing left to do. Its the only thing you havent tried because you keep re-setting it by pulling. And if she meets someone else, so what? I dont understand the logic of you pulling her makin a difference, she knows you are trying, its not like she will run into another mans arms because you didnt try, she will run into another mans arm because she wants to. If you are there or not, she will move on if she wants to. And pulling has not worked with this one.

 

I have only done it for a week! but you are right its now seeming to go around in circles- I just wanted to go on NC on a good note -doesnt that make sense?

 

 

 

With this in consideration what would you recommend I do?

[tomato]

Reconciliation works for some people, NOT all. If I have to go by statistics and facts reconciliation typically takes more than a year and less than 10 years. Chance of reconciliation happening is about 3%. Now ask yourself do you really want to give up 10 YEARS of your life for a 3% chance of getting back together?

 

YES - and from my personal experience its far greater than 3% - don't know where you got that number from, and even if it was, statistics like that need to be taken with care

 

anyway - is NC really the best course of action? - given that I pushed her away last week - I take it you will say its the only thing I can do. In that case how about a final letter/meeting/call, to make sure we part on better terms?

[calichick007]

If you are there or not, she will move on if she wants to.

 

THIS.

 

I honestly don't think tomato will leave this girl alone unless/until she does something drastic (e.g., restraining order or something similar).

[tomato]

THIS.

 

I honestly don't think tomato will leave this girl alone unless/until she does something drastic (e.g., restraining order or something similar).

 

Apart from when I initiated NC and she broke it saying she missed me, and the last 4 weeks where I didn't talk to her at all....right.... sure.....thanks for the input

[calichick007]

You're the one saying you won't let it go even if it takes years. At this rate, your ex will be married with kids and you'll still be pining away.