How to TRY to get an ex back...

[Scuza]

... she went to the doctor and the doctors told her nothing was wrong with her, that she needs to see a therapist instead. She would have highs and lows in her behavior, hated routine because in her own words, "it made her sad unless she was busy", would avoid people and hate everything, she also gets easy agitated. ...

 

... Anything good i have ever done she never remembers or brings up, she always had this cloud, and only remember the "bad" which she intensified. ...

 

Any of this sounds similar to your situation?

 

I can't speak for those guys, but the points I've highlighted from your paragraphs describe my ex very closely.

Although whenever she got mad at me, she never exploded, she more imploded, and acted like I wasn't there.

[Thorshammer]

I can't speak for those guys, but the points I've highlighted from your paragraphs describe my ex very closely.

Although whenever she got mad at me, she never exploded, she more imploded, and acted like I wasn't there.

 

Did she have depression?

[Thorshammer]

Keeping in mind that shes with another guy, do you think shes doing that unconsciously?

 

Because knowing her, shes not the person that would do this kind of moves, but then again, she did surprised me badly with her moves during the BU.

 

Any advice i would recommend will come from my first post. When it comes to pulling too much in your case (or if you didnt change your behavior, then i would rule that either she wasnt as attracted, or was on the fence and settled, with high and lows in attraction- just imo)- i still would approach as someone who pulled too much (which just really means loss of attraction).

 

As for dealing with her being with someone else, i would also still stick to my guns on my first post. Maintaining a platonic friendship- attracting her without showing interest. You either hope to attract away and that she sees the errors of her ways- ruin her self esteem by not showing interest and making her insecure in her relationship which might ruin it (sounds messed up, but if she "plays along: with you- then i would second-guess her commitment material), play a waiting game and literally get a ticket for the future if she exits, or destruct her relationship by hoping her current bf gets angry and ruins the relationship through jealousy (hey, your bf is nothing like me, i just want to be your friend, i wasnt controlling like that with you, he has insecurity issues!).

 

- Yes, none of this is nice, none of this is ideal, none of this might not even work, or could just straight up backfire on you... but if you keep contact with an ex you still have feelings for, a part of you will want one of those outcomes. I wouldnt recommend any of this, but this does happen with some people (you can read a few stories on here and see for yourself).

 

Just dont chase like a puppy, you loss attraction, she pushed away... pulling someone who is pushing doesnt work.

[Ms Darcy]

I like the advice to also talk to older men (for the guys) to get perspective and weight options.

[GreenCupcake]

Thor, girls like that are deeply hurt and insecure. (My brother went out with a girl just like that and it's been almost 3-4 years since they broke up and he's finally getting over it - I THINK).

 

I'm going to give you my two cents and it might seem a bit confusing so bare with me.

 

Those girls grow up with a lack of love which forces them to seek attention desperately from anyone who's willing to give it. How it turns out can be a scary thing though. It sounds like your ex girlfriend felt really comfortable around you in the beginning, but the more she got to know you, the more she started to become threatened. The fact that you really cared about her is what caused her to pull away. She is not used to that and it she probably convinced herself that you didn't actually care. And since she didn't love herself, she probably thought you were too good for her (subconsciously at least). If you put two and two together it makes sense.

 

The fact that she wasn't used to someone caring about her that way + the fact that she probably thought you were too good for her (since she lacks love in general) = Emotional roller coaster ride to hell and back.

 

She started drama with you because she wanted to see how far she could push your buttons. She wanted to see how far someone was willing to go to please her. She essentially wanted you to PROVE your love. You took so much of her B.S. that she probably thought there was no limit with you. But after a while, every time you expressed a hint of anger and questioned her actions, it upset her because she realized there WAS a limit. In her irrational mind, you didn't love her enough because of that and it made her angry/upset and caused her to hurt you back. She wanted you to feel her pain. Again, her way of thinking is completely irrational which is why you (a rational person), don't get it.

 

And as time went by, she probably started to think that you were like other guys. She waited for you to turn on her. She expected it to happen. Because of that, she purposely continued to sabotage the relationship. She wanted to see how far she could go. Although she was frustrated, she also depended on you emotionally which is what caused her to stick around for a while. You were her punching bag. You were her main source of emotional fuel. However, she still didn't feel good about herself, which eventually caused her to stray away from you completely. Someone on your level is too much for her. She's not used to being treated that way and it makes her uncomfortable.

 

She will continue to seek out jerks because deep down, she feels better about herself when she is next to them. She feels like a prize. But if she's with someone who she feels is too good for her, it will bring out her insecurities and cause her to become destructive. You cannot win with her because she needs attention that's going to make her feel better about herself. She needs to feel like someone can rely on her (because it makes her useful), not the other way around. She needs to know that she has some kind of hold on a person.

 

I'll give you an example. Let's say she meets a guy who is a big drug user but she somehow finds him attractive. She decides to go out with him because subconsciously she feels better than him and and wants to help him change into a better person (which makes her useful). She keeps taking the guys crap because she is convinced that she can change him. If she accomplishes that, it will make her feel worthy and loved.

 

However, if she chooses a guy who has his life together and treats her really well, she doesn't feel useful enough. He doesn't need to be "fixed." There is no challenge. So it makes her feel unworthy and unloved. That's why the drama fuels her fire. She needs it to feel good about herself. Without drama, she is weak and vulnerable. It's how she survives.

 

She won't change unless she finds a reason to.

 

Does this make more sense?? It can be very confusing sometimes lol.

[sentencedtoagony]

Very nice, cupcake! The girl I'm in recon with may just be like this. I think she's starting to realize it though.

 

I almost want to read it to her...

[EgoJoe]

Very nice, cupcake! The girl I'm in recon with may just be like this. I think she's starting to realize it though.

 

I almost want to read it to her...

 

Don't she'll go defensive, LOL, I have experienced this directly...today.

[sentencedtoagony]

Well, the day before we broke up, I told her what my therapist said and she stormed out of the room.

 

Hence...I'm only tempted.

[EgoJoe]

Well, I'm not exactly following my own advice right now...but...I don't really want her back so...I mean if you want to put her on the spot and make her really mad. Do it.

[Thorshammer]

Thanks for adding in Greencupcake. A lot of what you wrote is true, i knew she was doing tests to appease her anxiety and insecurities (which made me bring out the horns). It really was an uphill battle with to make her happy. And i didnt help things by not caring, aggravating the fights- so i wasnt as nice as you wrote (though you were probably just trying to be nice by saying that, lol). I am not a push-over, and i cant be sweet to behavior like that. I also pushed away when she was nuts, then i pulled her in when she relaxed and if she pushed from that or what, i dont know.

[GreenCupcake]

Thanks for adding in Greencupcake. A lot of what you wrote is true, i knew she was doing tests to appease her anxiety and insecurities (which made me bring out the horns). It really was an uphill battle with to make her happy. And i didnt help things by not caring, aggravating the fights- so i wasnt as nice as you wrote (though you were probably just trying to be nice by saying that, lol). I am not a push-over, and i cant be sweet to behavior like that. I also pushed away when she was nuts, then i pulled her in when she relaxed and if she pushed from that or what, i dont know.

 

I pretty much figured that you weren't nice to her all the time. Being with someone like that takes a toll on you. If you kissed her a$$ every time she pulled that crap on you, then that really wouldn't be acceptable lol.

 

I also wanted to add that with girls like that, the time they need you the most is when they are going nuts, NOT when they are relaxed. When they are relaxed, they generally feel good about themselves and don't need validation. They can be super sweet and caring and that is the side that keeps you around. But when they go nuts, they absolutely need validation. When you push them away during those moments, it can be a major blow to them. It makes them feel like you don't care. Like I said, they want to see how far they can go. They NEED drama. If you avoid it, it can bother them tremendously to the point where they can even try to seek revenge or leave you without a second thought. Once they reach their limit, they will detach in the worst way possible.

 

Even if you did things a bit differently with your ex, the outcome probably would have been the same because she would have stayed the same. If you were a deadbeat, then maybe the outcome would be different but you are who you are. She is the one who needs to find herself. You can't really do that for her.

[GreenCupcake]

By the way, I hope my post doesn't cause any of you guys to get slapped by your ex's lol. If they are anywhere close to what I have described, then they will feel totally insulted by my post. They hate being confronted even though they like doing it to others.

[sentencedtoagony]

Wow, this is all so spot on for my 'girlfriend'.

 

Can anything be done to save a relationship with someone like this?

[Thorshammer]

True, but i wasnt innocent either. The more she acted up, the more i pushed away, even to the point that I LOST attraction and rarely touched her. It was hard to get it back, and our intimacy suffered for a long time. So, i did have my faults, even if it was from reacting to her behavior, i still painted myself in a bad image.

 

I see it that when i was bad, and when i fought her, and returned to her, i gave her validation of wanting to be loved (so the pushing did work for attraction in this case). Which basically replays the scenario of neglect from her mother (since she was like this with her bfs when she was young, before she met bad guys). The more difficult i became, the bigger and stronger the feeling of passion and being wanted was reciprocated when the fights died down. It was an ongoing cycle. I told her all of this, but when she got offended, i took that as a hint to stop playing Dr. Phil with her (especially since she herself is in college to be a therapist).

 

Plus, i was a challenge. To an insecure person, getting with and loving a challenging strong person, gives them the ultimate validation. It covers up their weakness, and they feel they "share" in that perspective of being valuable and secure. When i lost that, it was two people at the same level, no value, it was a constant cycle... but this time all that was cycled forth were things that she did not want. She didnt want to test me like before, her validation and security was now external to me, it was now an outside influence, and thats when she knew i could do nothing for her anymore. Thats why she chases bad-guys and still stuck around despite how bad they were.

 

But, i am not so quick to think that i lost out due to not being the same type. I did a lot of pushing on my own that wasnt warranted- and even though it stopped, it did still leave holes in our relationship that was hard to fix (like the intimacy- which was me still pushing away because i didnt know how to fix it- which fueled her insecurity, which could have made me the bad guy). So i dont know exactly what her perspective was when she left (unlike other posters, i wasnt squeeky clean).

 

But, I am at peace now. There were many times that i wanted to give up... there were times that i was scared i would get her pregnant and i would be stuck. That would not have been a happy marriage, we would not have made good parents, and i doubt she was stable enough to make a good mother.

[EgoJoe]

Plus, i was a challenge. To an insecure person, getting with and loving a challenging strong person, gives them the ultimate validation. It covers up their weakness, and they feel they "share" in that perspective of being valuable and secure. When i lost that, it was two people at the same level, no value, it was a constant cycle... but this time all that was cycled forth were things that she did not want. She didnt want to test me like before, her validation and security was now external to me, it was now an outside influence, and thats when she knew i could do nothing for her anymore. Thats why she chases bad-guys and still stuck around despite how bad they were.

 

[/quote=Thorshammer;5176653]

 

I can identify/relate to this.

[Sanders24]

Any advice i would recommend will come from my first post. When it comes to pulling too much in your case (or if you didnt change your behavior, then i would rule that either she wasnt as attracted, or was on the fence and settled, with high and lows in attraction- just imo)- i still would approach as someone who pulled too much (which just really means loss of attraction).

 

Last few months of the RS, I definitely pulled and she pushed. As she said it herself, "she wasnt happy in RS but obviously didnt have the courage to end it", probably due to losing the comfort and security with me, so she choose the uglier ending and started to gaze her eyes on other guys until that one came into the picture and started texting her. It was probably the spark she needed (or thought she needed). So yeah, I will go with the loss of attraction.

 

As for dealing with her being with someone else, i would also still stick to my guns on my first post. Maintaining a platonic friendship- attracting her without showing interest. You either hope to attract away and that she sees the errors of her ways- ruin her self esteem by not showing interest and making her insecure in her relationship which might ruin it

 

This would be somewhat difficult b/c whe didnt see eachother since the BU, we live in different citys (70miles), no connection on internet social networks, altough we have few joint friends and she could probably gain some info if she truly wanted it.

 

(sounds messed up, but if she "plays along: with you- then i would second-guess her commitment material)

 

I totally understand this. Its not something I want from my partner and it makes me think about that cliche "Once a cheater, always a cheater." Btw, this was something that basically all of my friends slapped me with.

 

- Yes, none of this is nice, none of this is ideal, none of this might not even work, or could just straight up backfire on you... but if you keep contact with an ex you still have feelings for, a part of you will want one of those outcomes. I wouldnt recommend any of this, but this does happen with some people (you can read a few stories on here and see for yourself).

 

Currently Im on the crossroad with my future focus on what I want. Altough my main focus now is self preservation and maintaining the process of changes Im going through, Im still attached to her in some degree. Its been only 2.5 months after 8 years.

 

Just dont chase like a puppy, you loss attraction, she pushed away... pulling someone who is pushing doesnt work.

 

Naturally, as soon as we BU and she addmited about other guy, I pulled in a bad way (crying, weakness, questioning) for 2.5 weeks with no succsess of course, and then just stopped it.

 

Been in NC for 50 days now. No problem with maintaining for now.

 

 

With that being said, Im gonna write a few insights about her and RS which might give you more perspective about this person or probable reasons for BU;

 

-she was pretty much insecure person especially in social situations (i.e. when she goes to a job interview, its always drama and fear) and always called me to lift her up and its like everytime she gets into a possible confrontation situation, she kinda puts this lamb coat on herself and goes in front of the wolves. (victimisation)

-she has problems with her skin (acne) due to her diabetes and this was a major thing that sucked wast amount of her energy on daily basis and practically limited her to live with full lungs. (fear and shame)

-she was somewhat of a childish girl, and our RS went in that tone always, I found that sweet in our good times and talks, but that trait also spilled into our confrontations and fights

-she was much more jelaous then me, she never stopped snooping my mobile, laptop, fb g-friends, and I made mistakes in indulging her in almost every situation with this issue (i.e. deleting g-friends from fb she didnt like, always allowing her to snoop what she wanted etc.)

-I always maintained my role of "her rock" to the fullest, always talked to her when she needed, advising her, helping her and lifted her spirits when her insecurities reared their head

-she went through some bad months due to not finding a job after her college (this was mainly due to her mother who pushed her always to the fullest) and when she finally find a job last autumn and started going to dance classes, our RS went downwards, new guy came in and she cut me loose...hm.

 

I also had my bad days and her response was mainly about "Why do you have so low self-esteem?" "Why are you so insecure?"

 

She always said that I was a drama-queen. Hm, funny...

[GreenCupcake]

It sounds like you two weren't healthy for each other, period. She tried to dig at you and you tried to dig at her. It pretty much became a competition it seems. At least you realized where you went wrong. She probably doesn't.

[Thorshammer]

It sounds like you two weren't healthy for each other, period. She tried to dig at you and you tried to dig at her. It pretty much became a competition it seems. At least you realized where you went wrong. She probably doesn't.

 

Nah, i didnt dig at her at all (but i know thats how she took it as). It was hard to be attracted to her when she turned into a negative person. It chips away at your confidence so much as that everything felt wrong, its hard to be a sexy passionate man when your woman gets mad at everything little thing. I never hid these feelings, i was always honest with her and opened with her, i did tell her how her behavior made me feel, but her mind only choose to remember the bad.

 

I could be a arrogant jerk like when i was in my early 20s, but i choose to approach her as sweet as could be with no games and no plays at her insecurity. And even at my most arrogant and annoying, when it came to my past girlfriends, i was always the hero, the listener, the one who "understood", i never had a complaint besides their own jealousy which i always handled well, its with this ex that i was dropped in the middle of world war 2 with a kitchen knife. Its funny, she warned me about her agitation with people who get close to her, when i met her i didnt understand how such a beautiful girl could have issues finding someone, she was so negative about finding a "healthy" relationship and a good guy at first, i remember our first phone convo, "i gave up finding a good relationship, i just want to adopt and live alone, or have a bunch of dogs."

 

So, whats the story of your friend, cupcake?

[mrinsurance823]

The insights into your relationship almost fit my situation to a "T". Its kinds of scary how they are exactly the same. I have had a terrible time the past 2 week since the BU, but this thread is helping me understand why it happened and why she acts the way she does. I wish I could go NC, but we have a child together and own a home together.

[Thorshammer]

Sanders I believed my ex could have been this type of woman if i was a different type of man. Their is a degree of selfishness (and this applies to many people with mental issues) is something that we can not understand because we do not feel what they feel. Think of it as a black cloud, if they can escape a repetitive "black cloud" - would they do it at the expense of someone else? We would like to think we are more important, we are, but we can not understand living a life with a black cloud over our heads. They seek out an escape, and routine, or a person who displays that they can not lift them up out of that cloud, will do nothing for them, if anything... it will intensify the black cloud (you were her rock, but did you stay as her rock?- what if you lost that strength, imagine you having this thought-pattern that things are bad and your partner helps destroy his own strength, thats more fuel for the fire, not only does it make us look bad, but it also forces her to go inward as she looks for something else to distract her- i am not saying this is you, but this has been me in other relationships). This justifies our sacrifice, they are damaged, if they see themselves and their surroundings in a bad-light, they can easily self -destruct OUR image and relationship as well.

 

I have dated several depressed girls, and it was all the same outcome. Regardless of age and experience, they ran for the hills to something that can kill that cloud, something that can give them a temporary streak of light through that cloud.

 

Note, that what i wrote in my post should not be used with someone who has mental issues like deep rooted insecurities, anxiety, and depression (if you notice, i kept stating push and pull and attraction and avoided any discussion on mental issues, though this post turned into that, lol- there is no mention of mental issues, only in passing- which means you need a whole different mind-set, which i myself have not figured out, nor do i really want to). Especially where i said to make a play at her insecurities (which sounds worst than what i actually meant- but again, if you plan to take your ex back from another committed relationship, then no matter how you spin it.. its "bad", i am just saying what people dont want to say on this board), these people need an experienced person to deal with them (I for sure am not, even tho i dated many depressed girls, i still get lost in the dark all the time)- so its up to you to play these games with someone who has deep issues like that (which i wouldnt).

 

We need women that can make great wives and mothers for our children. There is a high divorce rate in modern countries, parents who dont touch each other and the kids grow up seeing a home with no love or affection, split marriages with custody battles, we need to be really selective of the people we chose to think of as our future.

[lemonhaze]

I don't think she had a depression, I think that she was in a stage of her life where she was kind of confused with everything and had doubts about where her life was going (quarter-life crisis perhaps). We had a couple of fights in the months before the BU about stuff that was important to her (living together, her family etc.) and I assume that combined with those doubts she just lost attraction. She recently tried to add me on MSN messenger again after 5 months NC but I just ignored it because I'm never on there anymore and I don't think it would have led anywhere.

[Thorshammer]

I don't think she had a depression, I think that she was in a stage of her life where she was kind of confused with everything and had doubts about where her life was going (quarter-life crisis perhaps). We had a couple of fights in the months before the BU about stuff that was important to her (living together, her family etc.) and I assume that combined with those doubts she just lost attraction.

 

It could have been a quarter-life crisis since she turned 25 before she left me. But she had typical depression symptoms, laying in bed, negative about life, refusing to do anything, losing interest in things that made her happy, scared of routine, very agitated, she also had low stamina, and other actual physical symptoms where she went to the doctor and the doctors said on 3 occasions to see a therapist.

 

She got checked for her hormones, any iron deficiency, vitamin deficiency, a bunch of stuff, she even said she doesnt feel "right" in her body and mind. She refused therapy due to the price, and she didnt want to take any medication because both her mom and grandmother live on anti-depressants (and she told me herself she turns into her mom, which i assume was depressed).

 

When we were having good-times, on some random days she would be quiet and stare into space, and nothing i can say or do could cheer her up. It was a whole different person. It had nothing to do with me when she got this way, and this started when she was way younger, its possible hitting 25 intensified that, but she did have depression. I dated a lot of girls that have depression.

 

She recently tried to add me on MSN messenger again after 5 months NC but I just ignored it because I'm never on there anymore and I don't think it would have led anywhere.

 

If thats a decision you think its best, then thats respectable.

 

But i would have accepted if i had any intentions of trying again (not saying thats her reason). Getting back with an ex always started small, an email, a text message, it never hinted at their motives.

[EgoJoe]

Agreed. It usually contains nothing emotionally charged at first. You just don't invest at all until they come out with it. But, don't listen to me...I did the opposite of attracting last night, hahahaha.

 

Well, not really...but yeah. Hadoken.

[Sanders24]

The insights into your relationship almost fit my situation to a "T". Its kinds of scary how they are exactly the same. I have had a terrible time the past 2 week since the BU, but this thread is helping me understand why it happened and why she acts the way she does. I wish I could go NC, but we have a child together and own a home together.

 

I feel for you man, I also had devastating 2 weeks post BU, but you should feel yourself lucky to gain this insights and perspective only 2 weeks after BU.

 

It took me 2 months to come to this stage, and when I reflect on myself during the BU period I feel almost ashamed, but hey, Im human as everybody else.

[Sanders24]

Note, that what i wrote in my post should not be used with someone who has mental issues like deep rooted insecurities, anxiety, and depression (if you notice, i kept stating push and pull and attraction and avoided any discussion on mental issues

 

Ok, so to keep it short, taking in consideration insights I wrote, you think my ex fits this kind of person?

Because as NC days go by now, Im beginning to look at her in some other light, Im not clouded with emotion overdrive as those initial weeks after BU.

All kind of doubts and new perspectives are creeping into my mind and I started to question if this is really the person I would want to be my partner in the future.

 

but again, if you plan to take your ex back from another committed relationship, then no matter how you spin it.. its "bad", i am just saying what people dont want to say on this board), these people need an experienced person to deal with them (I for sure am not, even tho i dated many depressed girls, i still get lost in the dark all the time)- so its up to you to play these games with someone who has deep issues like that (which i wouldnt).

 

Yeah, I agree.

 

Thanks Thor!