How to TRY to get an ex back...

[Thorshammer]

^^ This! ... I second this. I am one to enter slowly in relationships, testing myself & my feelings before going full speed because I feel loyal, I care about people & their feelings. I'd keep my feelings for me & not start a relationship rather than telling her and dumping her later. It's like I mean my words. That's why I can't understand people saying I love you's and sweet things just because of the emotional momentum they are in. I feel like my word is my bond. And so I feel deceived again & again by others.

 

Yeah, i remember i dumped a girl after 2 months and she just started crying.. i just sat there like... "what the..."

 

Even though I only knew her for 2 months, and my attraction for her shot all the way down as i got to know her more (we rushed the relationship)- i still felt really bad and couldnt erase the thought of her in pain. I cant even imagine leaving a long relationship when i was in love (but then again, i never lost love for someone unless they left).

 

I am the same with friends. Its hard for me to let go of friends also, but then they vanish on me i take it very bad (hence why i keep my circle of friends really small).

[Thorshammer]

This means he loves the comfort and familiarity that your provided (which is where the love is), but is not attracted to you enough to stay (hence why this turns into a friendship, a love friendship) - my opinion

 

 

 

Everything else you said shows you were hitting his buttons for attraction;

 

 

 

You pulled too much, or he lost attraction for some other reason; as i said in my first post, you have to push away. You pulled at first and it freaked him out. You went an NC and the time away, the less interested you seemed in him (basically pushed) interested him. Pretty much everything from your story shows you kept pushing away and making yourself a challenge, though you pulled in too much with him sleeping over, you still pushed away- which set off his attraction.

 

 

 

 

 

I dont know him or you, so take this for what its worth. Its your pushing behavior that is making him pull. I wrote about all this on my first post as to what to do. If you want to initiate contact,, then thats up to you, but i would continue to just show friendly vibes and continue to push/make yourself a challenge.

 

Dont fall for the "friends with benefits" trick, dont sleep with him again- there is no commitment. Thats him having his cake and eating it too.

 

And i would focus on healing, and rereading where i said "its never over, no matter what until its an officially agreed commitment".

[LAW724]

this may seem like a ridiculous question but how is there a way for me to know what he thinks about what happened without sending a red flag or him thinking that im hung up on it.

[Thorshammer]

this may seem like a ridiculous question but how is there a way for me to know what he thinks about what happened without sending a red flag or him thinking that im hung up on it.

 

To ask him is to pull due to interest. The ball is in his court, if he wants something committed he knows what to do. Even if you leave another door open and attract- there is no guarantee that he will stay. So basically, like what i am doing, its all guessing, but again, he knows what you both did, and if he wants more he knows what he needs to do- until then you need to heal and focus on yourself. If you want to come out and just ask him with no thinking into attraction, then do it... but if he beats around the bush, or gives you an answer you dont like, then seriously go NC. You might think (or we might think) we are playing this push and pull game, but we wont know if they are just playing along with no intentions of staying (hence why you need to examine who he is).

[LAW724]

jeez i feel like this whole ordeal is harder to figure out than my organic chem class. Your absolutely right. I just need to continue on with my life and do what I was doing before.

[Thorshammer]

Yep, even when i had my ex's chasing i never saw the reason to take them back or try again (either because they pulled so much that i lost attraction, or logic takes over what was my emotions- since many dumpees like us run on emotions and ignore the logical). I was long healed when they approached.

 

If you were healed, you really would have reached out as a friend, and would have pushed away because you just wanted to. You wouldnt analyze his every move- you wouldnt be stressed. That really is the deeper message to "getting you back"- everything before that is desperate attempts- stress- you being forced out of character, you playing games, etc.

[dumPI]

Yeah, i remember i dumped a girl after 2 months and she just started crying.. i just sat there like... "what the..."

 

Even though I only knew her for 2 months, and my attraction for her shot all the way down as i got to know her more (we rushed the relationship)- i still felt really bad and couldnt erase the thought of her in pain. I cant even imagine leaving a long relationship when i was in love (but then again, i never lost love for someone unless they left).

 

I am the same with friends. Its hard for me to let go of friends also, but then they vanish on me i take it very bad (hence why i keep my circle of friends really small).

 

Exactly the same for me. I never leave friends but they vanish. It's hard for me to leave behind people I meet in my life. Happens with friends and much more with girlfriends.

I really love your posts, Thor. After this break up, I am much into the psychological thing surrounding break ups, would you mind sharing your thoughts in these thread of mine:

 

 

 

[lemonhaze]

But I still would have seriously considered that msn thing, unless i felt it would open up old wounds.

 

Well I went back on today and I suddenly got other requests from people who were already on my list, guess it was just some error from the program. Back to NC it is.

[lonelyheart2]

Ok I'm not sure if I'm pushing too much....baiscally a while back I asked my ex to meet and he seemed keen said he couldn't do it that day but a couple of days later he asked me if I wanted to meet him on another day. Unfortunately I couldn't make it to that time so I suggested another time but I didn't get a response to this message so after a week I got angry with him...not hugely but just showed I was a bit pissed off....I don't think he realised he had ignored my message because he was still friendly....obviously that just fuelled my anger but fortunately I didn't act on it.

 

yesterday I just quickly said to him on facebook chat that I was sorry I got angry with him last week I realised it must have been a bit weird and he apologised for not replying to my message that he was in London with a friend. He said he would suggest to meet tomorrow but he is going to france for the weekend tomorrow. It was friendly and I left it early but I'm just wondering do you think I should wait to see if he suggests a different time to meet or should I mention something about it in a few weeks time?

[foolish1985]

How would you guys suggest one proceeds if he has neglected/cheated (once) on the EX during a part of the relationship? Not all of it. She then got in a rebound before we even stopped dating. 4 months ago. I've tried NC several times. Each time she broke it. How long do you think one should keep fighting and proving that things can be different? If our relationship was a year and 3 months, is 4 months post-BU too much considering the fact that she is with someone else?

[Thorshammer]

Well I went back on today and I suddenly got other requests from people who were already on my list, guess it was just some error from the program. Back to NC it is.

 

Good... you dont want to feel like you left a stone unturned (at least thats how i felt). When my ex got into my facebook 2 months after BU, i felt i HAD to break NC, i had to see why, i didnt want it hanging over my head months and years later (I rather THHHHHEEEEY feel that mistake, not me, i rather exhaust all possibilities so i can sit back and get that kick in the butt that i tried- hence why i have a hands-off approach about how you leave right after the Break Up- either sad or being cool and confident (a lot of books say to be cool and confident and take it like a valued strong person)- but i had them come back and try to re-attract me when i acted both ways- i needed that for me if that makes any sense- i didnt want to believe the ball was on my court and i let the time run out, even if it was a mistake).

[Thorshammer]

I still stick by my posts. If he left because you pulled too much or lost attraction, i wouldnt even go out to see him until a lot of NC time passes. If you do meet, it has to be all friendly with you being distant and pushing away. And you have to keep in mind, when you meet him, you are meeting a stranger, whatever amount of days/months/years you had means nothing now, you are on day zero between you, he owes you nothing, and his words and actions dont equal the words and actions of him when he was committed to you.

[lonelyheart2]

hmmm well at the time he claimed it was because of distance (but I'm not sure as he came back after two months to uni for third year and we are at the same one)and he was going to move to italy after the uni year is up. So I guess I just wanted to see if that was still the case...we have been broken up now for 7 months and contact is/was about 50/50 once every month with random things...You think I should go for nc for a couple more months?

[Thorshammer]

How would you guys suggest one proceeds if he has neglected/cheated (once) on the EX during a part of the relationship? Not all of it. She then got in a rebound before we even stopped dating. 4 months ago. I've tried NC several times. Each time she broke it. How long do you think one should keep fighting and proving that things can be different? If our relationship was a year and 3 months, is 4 months post-BU too much considering the fact that she is with someone else?

 

I wrote on my first post what you should do if you were the pusher. But, thats up to you and if you think that played a huge part in your break-up, and what you know about her current state of thought if you were the pusher or not. Some people forgive, then lose attraction elsewhere, others never forgive, and it becomes a seed planted for further growth in her cause to leave you.

 

Her getting into a rebound probably doesnt look as bad to us as it does to her, because she might justify it due to the hit to her self-esteem from what you did, she can see it as being protective of herself from being hurt by you again.

 

If my ex contacted me and i was the who neglected, i would proceed with what i said in my first post, and thats to continue contact and talk about change. You might very well be building up her confidence, and shes absorbing it to calm her anxiety with this new guy, but that lies on her. This takes a strong will, and patience, but some do cling on to the gf they neglected and some ex's do start to criticize the relationship they are in because that way a doorway out (instead of being comfortable because they have a back up plan)- so that depends on this guy and his ability to attract.

[Thorshammer]

hmmm well at the time he claimed it was because of distance (but I'm not sure as he came back after two months to uni for third year and we are at the same one)and he was going to move to italy after the uni year is up. So I guess I just wanted to see if that was still the case...we have been broken up now for 7 months and contact is/was about 50/50 once every month with random things...You think I should go for nc for a couple more months?

 

I dont know, you seem to be confused or doubting his reason for the break up. If it very well is that hes leaving, then he never grew the commitment to lead to the effort that a boyfriend is expected to invest (i know in my head i would hold back). If thats the case, or that he just fed you that excuse, then i would go distant, unless you want to maintain the friendship, but i honestly dont know if 7 months of back and forth contact is going to matter now if you go NC now.

 

I wont lie, i see 21 on your age, him leaving to italy, and i get the sense that he might not have been as attracted/invested enough to sit there and think about a future reconciliation.

[foolish1985]

Exactly my thoughts of why she is in a rebound. And she even said it once "I am afraid that you will hurt me again. With him, it's calm." Not sure how sincere she was.

 

An as for the second part, this is precisely what I am worried about myself. Whether I should try and prove myself or just go away an show her that she doesn't have a back up.

 

Anyway. I have a plan laid out for the next week, so... On St. Valentine's I will make her a "present". A mix tape (sort of. actually it's a DJ Set) of songs that she likes and that remind her of our relationship. Along with e short "Forgive me. I love you" message. And on the 19th, she has a B-day, where she will receive a letter, which I wrote several months ago. Last time she received one of those, she immediately called me and wanted me to go at her place to "catch-up". I didn't. She wanted me to go at her place "catch-up" a month later as well, when I asked her out for a coffee for my B-day.

 

I don't think I should read too much into those invitations. Should I? And she's asking me to go to her place, because someone might see us outside and tell her BF. That's what I am guessing.

 

After I see the reaction to the letter for her B-day, I will see if I feel the need to prove myself or if I had done enough.

 

In the mean time, I am trying to go out with other women. Nothing is working out at the moment though. At least, not yet.

[Thorshammer]

Another thing to add to my first post, but i wills say here since my post above this way made me aware of it. I tried to avoid assumptions in this post as much as possible and focus more on attraction, and getting yourself back, when people become specific, it starts to play on averages and their experience, which really doesnt do much (this is speculation).

 

This is the phases that i am aware of from my friends who were dumpers, when i was a dumper, and also the reading material i have read.

 

A dumper might go through phases (order varies, and obviously this isnt for everyone); guilt and relief > relief > freedom > (and this might be the biggest factor if they come back or not) missing you and maybe being lonely> doubt (and again, this depends on the dumper, but if they feel this... they might reach out, notice i said doubt, but not that they will take you back) > moving on completely

 

A dumpee might go through; disbelief > realization > doubt > missing them > freedom > relief (hopefully)> moving on completely

 

It start of like a reverse process from the dumper (again this varies).

 

You contact during relief, you might not get anything but build the case against you. You contact during freedom, you might get a cold shoulder, or a friendship line, its gambling and hoping that you reach out when they are in the missing phase or doubt phase, hence why i say its best if they reach out (if they ever do), because mostly likely, if nc is prolonged, they will reach when they are missing you, or doubting their decision if they feel that- (again, this doesnt mean they want you back, and this doesnt mean all dumpers dont reach out when they are enjoying their freedom, and this isnt as cut and dry, some will never feel relief, others may never feel doubt, others will just straight move on).

 

I think the ideal is (if all things line up nicely, which is out of your control, and is purely guessing and assuming) i would reach out when you are in relief or freedom (or hope they contact you at this point) and hope they are out of their period of relief and freedom and starting to focus on doubts or loneliness. This would line up best where you really did change and heal for the best to attract. this is what people refer to as "getting the power back" or "i was dumped, but they contacted sad and lonely and now i feel like the dumper"- thats all of this in action.

[drmcsugar]

Hey, I was very like your ex. I've had depression along with other issues, so when I read your posts, it touched me another level. I'd say things that I didn't mean at the moment, I wouldn't have control over my emotions. I'd snap "we should break up if you're not happy," then tomorrow, we'd make up and same thing would happen again. We fight a lot, just about the small things. I've stopped being suicidal when we were dating, because we had a serious talk about it, and although now we've broken up forreal this time (no making-up the next day), I'm not goin back to being suicidal.

 

We broke up because we had too much fights, all the small fights, and we'd end up screaming at each other. He said it was like we were fundamentally different. And he cried when he was breaking up with me; he said it hurt so much, he's afraid of losing me but he has to do what makes him happy, all these fighting hurts him more than not being with me. Anyway, after 3 weeks of very limited contact, a lot of things started coming to me from his point of views. I start to recognize that I have issues and it's hurting everyone around me, I didn't give him the respect he deserved, and took him for granted. I came a few days ago to sincerely apologize for what happened, and said I'd get help. He was open about a girl he tried to take on a date when I asked if he's moved on. He said he was only asking her out to see if he's still "got it," and he wasn't attracted to her to begin with. I told him about a guy I tried to see too, only to know that I wasn't ready to be with someone else. He said "I figured we'll get there eventually - taking it day by day." We ended on a good note, I let him know I'm seeing a psychiatrist next week, I apologized for what I've done to cause him pain, and I'll be here emotionally for him (he's going through a lot of things with his life right now - family problem/selling the house/work problem/taking school off because he can't afford it/he barely pays bills - I know this since we did some catchup), but I will also move on with my life. I'm determined to give him absolute space now because he deserves it with the stress he's under, he doesn't need emotional baggage from me. I'll only plan to contact him when I'm a changed person, and maybe it'll take two months or a year; I'm holding to a lone hope that he'll be around when I'm ready to be a better girlfriend, because we finally agreed that the relationship we were in for 2 years, wasn't healthy. It was toxic and started weighing us down. Just wanna share my story, since you said your ex-girlfriend had some issues Thanks for the post.

[Thorshammer]

Thanks for sharing!

 

I used to tell my ex that i want to be a hero, a part of this team, not the enemy or outside of her. I didnt want to be the reason for her sadness, but the one who helps her fight it. All this fell on deaf ears. She was so negative that things she wanted change with, or wanted different, i took as the boy who cried wolf, that it was another emotionally fueled anxiety rushed thing said with no thoughts to logic.

 

I used to tell her that sometimes i felt i should leave, because i loved her so much and i hated knowing that i was hurting her and had no idea how not to. She would cry and do this long whimper that always killed me inside, but its against my nature to give in for something so dumb that she would bring up. So i waited until emotions cooled to comfort her.

 

One time i did plan to leave after the fights got really bad (in the 2 year mark), plus i was losing a lot of attraction for her (she seemed like a volatile mess). She cried when i walked out and started to beg (to this day i dont know if i was really going to go through with it). From that point on (and visiting her parents) and when we took a break afterward and i hooked up with someone new, made me realize that no one can compare, i started to think along the lines of marriage now. When we fought, i didnt defend myself, i just listened and let her get it out, and i would respond with, "babe, i realize thats how you feel, im sorry, we can work on this when you arent as emotional, i promise"- this was around the 3 year mark- despite my change, she left (3 year mark).

[drmcsugar]

Maybe it's the adult inside me speaking after having all these time and space to reflect myself, but I understand how you feel. My ex boyfriend said the exact same thing. He said when he saw me he knew I was unhappy person, and he wanted to try to make me happier (even this was when we were only bootycalls) and he did. * I, since then, stopped trying to inflict myself. * I still had a lot of negativity, and I was scared of being hurt again, and I found myself filled with doubts throughout the first year we were dating; I ended up breaking up a lot with him, because I felt like I didn't deserve him, an I was ... Scared. Yet, it was impossible to pull away because as freaked out as I was, I also liked how it felt, I've never had someone loved me so much, that he was "willing to take the bullet for me." That shattered my heart.

 

But then as time proceeded, when he finally had my trust, I also became less independent (what he liked about me- I didn't need him in my life back then or have to ask him for anything. He said he wanted me to count on him and rely on him). I became needy and demanded for his attention a lot. Hence, a lot of fights came out from that, I.e. you didn't pick me up, so you didn't care for me? You see, I was entirely fixated on MYSELF, and obviously my thinking process was flawed. We had a lot of small fights like that and he ended up having to break up with me because he "couldn't do this anymore." I did beg for him back and promised I'd change, but things like this had happened before and he said he saw no future with us anymore, as much as it broke his heart - he was sobbing in my arms. *

 

So right now, I am determined to see a psychiatrist to better myself, because what I regret about this relationship was I could have tried harder to be there for him, but I didn't. I was so used to having him being close and supportive of me, and to be honest, seeing how much he loved me, I didn't think he'd leave. It's been 4 weeks. I'm definitely accepting that it's happened for a reason, and I'm not upset because it's over. I'm happy it happened so that I could see my issues and what was truly wrong with our relationship since when we just broke up, i was still angry at him and thought i was right! I am getting help now so that maybe in a month or two, if we run into each other, he'll see I'm a changed person. I'm not holding out for hope though, because he really does deserve to be with someone who treats him better, just like you do deserve a sane-r girlfriend, and if he's happy with her, then it makes me truly happy. I'm over the whole trying to get him back because that is completely selfish, I only tried to get him back because I was lonely and used to having him around. I should respect his decision, we both need to be happy with ourselves before we can be happy with each other, that was what he said. I guess, in time, we'll see what happens. No contact is really for my own benefit, not some scam to get him back; of course, the only way to realize that is to actually take some time off

 

 

Oh just wanna contribute this thought - since you said you just let her take it out then cool down later. I read a psych book that said "it is easier to be angry than sad." So we should be understanding that all of these screaming/complaining is just an emotional phase when you're fighting with your significant other. We easily forget how much they mean to use and become fixated on our raging feelings at the moment, then say things we don't ever mean. I learn this the hard way. Take a 5 to 10 minute break next time in the middle of the fight or just drive around. Space is healthy, guys!

[rebellefleur]

Thor, i just want to make sure i'm making the right moves, not solely for reconciliation but for myself mostly. My ex has came around twice now because he wanted to "be on okay terms" but when we would see eachother, he would act like we were in a relationship for the most part. Not as heavy, but the flirtation and he'd try to kiss me etc., and we'd just really get along, it felt right, we just clicked (to me anyway.) However, when i would ask him what he thought about the future he would just turn the tables on me and start flipping out, telling me he's confused and that he can't explain it but something is holding him back, that he doesn't want to be serious now, he doesn't want a relationship, etc. Our last conversation i kind of put him on the spot and asked him to be honest with me- i asked if he had feelings still for me or if he was still in love with me. He could never give me straight answers, it was always a lot of pauses and trailed off sentences- he'd say things like "i just don't think about it or focus on it, i don't not have feelings for you, i just don't have strong ones because we aren't in a relationship...i don't know if i ever want to do this (as in us) again...i don't know what i want for my life." I asked him if he wanted to see other people, see what else is out there...and again it was just followed by a long pause and "i don't know, i'm confused" type of answers.

 

It really killed me to hear that stuff. A part of me would let him come back because when we talked and hung out it's like we were so good together and i thought maybe if this happened enough and i didn't stress it, he would come around but i hate putting myself in a vulnerable, waiting position and he couldn't even give me anything about the future- no steps, no considering us, he just got so defensive when i'd ask the simplest questions. So i think it's time for me to just do a strict NC, as much as it sucks, because for a while a part of me is always going to hope he comes back. Do you think it my case it's too late for NC to be effective? It's been 5 months since our BU and a constant roller coaster ride and a lot of spurts of him having his cake and eating it too.

[Thorshammer]

My ex also relied on me a lot. One famous argument was me trying to tell her that i worked a lot of hours standing up and i could go with her to a routine doctors appointment because of my feet. I walked into the middle of a gunfight on that one, she just went off.

 

The funny thing is (and i had to assume something about you since i dont know you... but) her loss of independence is what triggered her to leave. Both you and her are chasing happiness and calm, and in my experience (both with my ex and other depressed girls- for some reason i always end up with them) they do end up leaving when the anxiety hits a point that they distance themselves until they find a more happy and calm exit out (new friends, new independance, new perspective on life, etc.)- there is a point, and there is a level of stress and anxiety where you can self-destruct the relationship, and once that image comes through clear as day- then you have your justification out- you can leave free without any of the "did i do the right thing?"

 

A few months before BU she told me she was losing herself as a person, and other similar things. So thats why i feel that many women like her have a higher chance of doing that (i had a few ex's do that to me too, one had clinical depression, she was all messed up).

 

My ex loved me a lot, last time we fought (like 2 months before break up) i ended the phone call after all the fighting (first time i just sat there and let her go nuts) i told her i was injured and i had to go to the doctor and she started crying- telling me she cared about me.

 

 

 

Yeah, i would want to end the call to relax, but she couldnt do it, because of her anxiety.

 

I remember this classic line;

 

"babe,its like you only focus on the bad- never the good, you focus on me not kissing you xx time, yet forget when i do kiss you- your perspective is no negative, and mines so positive- i wish you could see what i see, because i hate the day that your perspective spreads to me, i hope my side wins."- something like that. I think i said that like 10000000 times.

[Thorshammer]

I think you really need to go NC and heal, work on yourself, and get that power back. Dont think for a second the amount of years with him means he wont take advantage of a situation- especially if you play along and avoid allowing him to feel guilt, that will just feed him to keep trying. I would ignore him and act as if he was literally... someone from your past.

 

If he is getting defensive, then hes protecting something- or he is getting annoyed with your pulling in (an unattractive trait to a person who lost attraction for you). You need to come up with your own decision, i wrote this post, and i expect people to think about it, but not follow it as law, or that it can fit snuggly into their situation.

[EgoJoe]

^^^^^

Oh boy do they get defensive too.

[rebellefleur]

especially if you play along and avoid allowing him to feel guilt, that will just feed him to keep trying. I would ignore him and act as if he was literally... someone from your past.

 

This part stuck out immensely, because a big part of feeling like he comes around is to ease his own mind. Even when we would get into an argument, like last night, over "our future" he would just treat me like crap, and the next morning he'd be calling and texting me apologies. Why? Because i'm assuming he felt guilty and wanted to relieve himself of that. I ignored everything today, i want him to keep the guilt, because if i were to answer he'd be relieved. Not this time, he can keep the guilt.

 

Thank you.