How to TRY to get an ex back...

[Thorshammer]

I am sure she can smell the desperation on you. Only you can decide if you pushed or pulled her before the break up, you will either censor it to get your point accross, run on emotions that you fail to see the logic of what really happened, or you will be right. I just know she did unforgivable things from one of your posts, you even giving her attention will scream desperation and neediness, because another man would have left.

 

If you still want to get that last bit off of your chest. Send her a letter, to the point, get it aaaaaaall out. Do it for you, not for her, or for some "plan". Then close that chapter. Leave with that final impression (a good one). If there is anything there, the letter should burn into her and spark something in her to contact in the future. Regardless, you need to be distant and do this only because your last impression wasnt to your liking.

[tomato]

she said this to a friend of myn:

 

I'm not talking to him anymore I've told him to stop talking to me. All he wants to do is pull of some crazy act whenever he convinces me to go an see him and honestly I don't deserve it and nor do I need it. If I'm honest I think he has lost it a bit and I just don't want anything to do with him for a long long while until he calms down.

 

its so not true that everytime - just the last time I was an ass - before that we hung out and had a great time! wwwwwwwwhat can I do? just not do anything? just a letter? I get this for one time acting like an ass JUST ONE TIME - out of 13 million where I was awesome! my friend suggested it was just a one off....

[playstheblues]

Whatever the Situation- however you acted or whatever was done- you need to step back. Just stop. If you can't do anything, you won't do anything wrong. It sounds like she is angry and whether her anger is valid or not doesn't matter. Just step back - you both need time- time will help you feel less desperate, and time will let her feel less angry.

 

No matter what you say to her- it will not matter because at the moment she has placed a brick wall in front of her to stop you getting in. The bricks may come down in time, but for now, by keeping on going, you are making a good case for her to keep building the wall higher.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this- but step back and stop. Take some time out. Aren't you exhausted by all this to-ing and fro-ing? Take time out for yourself to stop and collect yourself - give her the time she needs and take the time you need. This means no contact. No Facebook, no IM, no email, no texts, no running into her- nothing..

[calichick007]

This is exactly why I said your letter would come accross as though you are mentally unstable. She has been totally clear that she wants nothing to do with you right now. Sending a letter with jokes, pretending things are A-OK will only look crazy. Listen to her. The underlined portion above speaks volumes. You don't want things to get to a point where she is afraid of you, and I think you are headed in that direction. Do nothing. Nothing.

[tomato]

This is exactly why I said your letter would come accross as though you are mentally unstable. She has been totally clear that she wants nothing to do with you right now. Sending a letter with jokes, pretending things are A-OK will only look crazy. Listen to her. The underlined portion above speaks volumes. You don't want things to get to a point where she is afraid of you, and I think you are headed in that direction. Do nothing. Nothing.

I am doing nothing! Ive admitted I was stupid to go and confront her -bit unfair to judge someone on actions in one encounter in millions though i feel. is there anything my friend could say? I will stay silent since she ignored my texts which is pretty rude on its own.

[calichick007]

No. If you don't want her to start being afraid of you / creeped out by you, say nothing. Do nothing. Have your friends say/do nothing. She wants to be left alone and has made that crystal clear.

[tomato]

No. If you don't want her to start being afraid of you / creeped out by you, say nothing. Do nothing. Have your friends say/do nothing. She wants to be left alone and has made that crystal clear.

 

yes I'm doing this of course - just thinking of when to break it maybe - I dont see her breaking it after the terrible way I acted the last time we met.......... also it has been quite a while now............. I am so angry about what I did SO annoyed that I confronted her - I thought it was the right thing to do at the time....so sorry....

[calichick007]

I personally don't think confronting her was an awful idea. The problem is that it didn't have the expected outcome because she does not respect you or care about your feelings. Breaking NC will not end well for the same reasons.

[CMS]

Tomato man, I have told you countless time on your own thread, this battle has long being lost, its so lost that there is no damage control save disappear and regroup. She wants nothing to do with you, anything you do or say will be used against you and not to mention kills any (if there is any) attraction she had left for you, the version of you that she LOVED has already been replaced by this insecure, flip flopping version of you, and there is nothing you can do to change that save disappear, give her all the time and space and hope she will forget this new you in time and start remembering the old you.

 

Dude your line of thinking is highly dangerous and creepy stalkerish, you will get a restraining order if you keep trying to contact her or make your friends talk to her, stop, just stop, you dont want to be that dude (look up some old threads by this poster called icefiresoul and see his how his approach turned out.

 

Snap out of it man, realize she is gone, but also realize there are other girls out there.

[Fun Boater 1]

If she told a common friend this about you then you have absolutely no choice but to leave her completely alone. Could she be any more clear about how she feels about you at this point? Yet you still think that some $39 book about getting an ex back is a good investment?

 

I suspect she's not judging you on "one time" of "acting like an ass". I suspect that there have been other times. Besides, it's doesn't matter if you were an ass to her one time, or 1000 times. What matters is her perception of you and your actions at present. Right now she perceives you as the stereotypical, yet all too common; annoying ex boyfriend who can't let her alone - desperate, needy, obsessed, and half-crazy. The only way you can even try to change this perception is to vanish from her life for a very long time.

[EgoJoe]

Tomato, this broad has turned you against yourself. WAKE UP and stop this madness.

 

You did great when you told her off, I don't know what you have done since then but STOP NOW! Forget it, IT IS CHINATOWN!

[Thorshammer]

Tomato, this broad has turned you against yourself. WAKE UP and stop this madness.

 

You did great when you told her off, I don't know what you have done since then but STOP NOW! Forget it, IT IS CHINATOWN!

 

I like chinatown.... whats wrong with chinatown?

[EgoJoe]

Thor, go on Netflix or whatever and watch the old movie "Chinatown" with Jack Nicholson. You're missing out on the greatest reference to a futile battle ever.

 

"Forget it, Jack, It's Chinatown!"

[Heidern]

This guide is pretty interesting.

 

My thinking is that no matter how amazing my ex is, once I manage to heal and become a better version of my original self, then I'm afraid my ego will not allow me to go back to an ex who settled for someone else because she couldn't stand being by herself and deal with her own issues. This would be perfect if both people make progress and are in a much better place emotionally, but I think for the majority of cases the dumpees will have the upper hand since they have no other choice but to work hard to make themselves confident and happy.

 

The way I'm starting to look at things is that dumpers have a lot more to lose than dumpees. How often do you see a dumper that truly benefited from a breakup? Initially, dumpees will sink pretty quickly and look lost for a while (especially if it's your first time). Once they accept the relationship is gone, they HAVE to focus on improving themselves. So in a way the best choice has already been made for them. Dumpers, on the other hand, initially may feel a sense of relief and freedom but eventually have to question whether or not they made the right choice. If the dumpee was abusive then yes, it was the right choice; if not, the dumper is just blaming his lack of personal growth on someone else. How long can he/she keep on living like that?

[Thorshammer]

Thor, go on Netflix or whatever and watch the old movie "Chinatown" with Jack Nicholson. You're missing out on the greatest reference to a futile battle ever.

 

"Forget it, Jack, It's Chinatown!"

 

Lol, I am just playing. Sounds cool though.

[Thorshammer]

This guide is pretty interesting.

 

My thinking is that no matter how amazing my ex is, once I manage to heal and become a better version of my original self, then I'm afraid my ego will not allow me to go back to an ex who settled for someone else because she couldn't stand being by herself and deal with her own issues. This would be perfect if both people make progress and are in a much better place emotionally, but I think for the majority of cases the dumpees will have the upper hand since they have no other choice but to work hard to make themselves confident and happy.

 

Very well said, personally i feel this is the better outcome... where you get yourself back, increase your confidence, and logic slaps you in the face telling you that you are too good to bother with someone who left you.

 

The way I'm starting to look at things is that dumpers have a lot more to lose than dumpees. How often do you see a dumper that truly benefited from a breakup? Initially, dumpees will sink pretty quickly and look lost for a while (especially if it's your first time). Once they accept the relationship is gone, they HAVE to focus on improving themselves. So in a way the best choice has already been made for them. Dumpers, on the other hand, initially may feel a sense of relief and freedom but eventually have to question whether or not they made the right choice. If the dumpee was abusive then yes, it was the right choice; if not, the dumper is just blaming his lack of personal growth on someone else. How long can he/she keep on living like that?

 

Yes, I agree, i have wrote something like this before. We are forced to believe that we might have had our flaws, we were the rejected, we are the ones who have to seek closure, to try to fix ourselves. Where, some dumpers just escaped, they either point the finger, or gave up on the battle. Like i said in my first post, getting you back is worth more than getting anyone back. I have learned far more in terms of attraction, love, how to treat a women, from break-ups.

[TangySour]

So I did not go through with the whole flowers thing. We did not meet for coffee either.

She ended up being busy; with legit reasons though she very well could have made time early in the morning.

 

I did however, go visit her at work to say Hi. She was surprised and looked happy to see me. Things were friendly.

I asked what time she was off and if she wanted to hang out and chat. She said she had plans but did not look like she was against hanging out sometime.

It only got awkward after when I said, "yea let's find a time and talk. Id like to talk to you". She then had that look like "ok..... I'm uhh gonna go back to work now... we're closing soon"

I then had the freaking balls to open my arms for a hug. She sighed, looked around, then hugged me lightly. Probably did not want to hug or not want to give the wrong impression to co-workers on our situation.

I think I'm going to NC for 4-7 days like I always do in between encounters then test the waters again.

 

Also, I am having trouble coping in the mornings. I always dream about her. Mostly good dreams but it still shakes me up in the morning. This morning though, I woke up after she broke up with me in the dream; different place; different time. It was like a whole new breakup. It was not even close to how it happened in real life. I started to cry upon waking up but regained composure after several minutes. Do you have any insight on how to help cope or prevent all this dreaming? Is there any particular significance to all these different dreams?

[Fun Boater 1]

I think I'm going to NC for 4-7 days like I always do in between encounters then test the waters again.

 

Tangy, maybe you should go NC for "4-7 months", not a few days. The description of how your latest meeting with your ex went should be telling you that she's really not interested in seeing you and that any feelings she has left for you are barely hitting the "ambivalent" range. Leave her alone, focus on moving ahead with your life, and start looking at other women. If she wants you around, you will hear from her so let her iniatate a serious contact. Stop letting her say "I'll meet up with you", only to have her cancel. You said yourself that you knew she "could have made time" for you - and this is exactly what we are talking about when people say "if she wanted to be with you, she would be with you". Same with "if she wanted to make time, she would make time", or "if she wanted to talk to you about the relationship, she would be talking to you about the relationship".Stop dropping in on her at work and bringing up the whole "let's talk" thing. She doesn't want to hear it. Remember, all you are doing is pushing her farther away the more you try and pursue her or get her to "talk about the relationship".

 

Thor - I've read where you say it's important to "get yourself back" after a break up. I"m going to go one proactive step further and suggest that it's more important not to lose yourself, or give yourself away so totally while in a relationship in the first place. If a person loses themselves in another person then that is a huge red flag upon the future of that relationship. IMO.

[Thorshammer]

Honestly, i feel bad for you guys. I know how it feels to still love someone, to feel so powerful for someone, and have that slip from your hands. To have someone be your other half, and then have that taken from you- something that you felt so was so beautiful can become wrong (never mind me, for some reason I am listening to adele... thats my cooldown after a workout music... i am turning emo for a bit, i need to switch this song, lol).

 

Yeah, i agree with fun boater. NC has to be for a long time. I have only had one ex come back quickly, and thats because she left me because i didnt like her friends. And when she broke up with me... guess how i acted? I walked out and laughed and told her she eff'ed up. But, NC's goal is to be healed, and to reach out on friendly terms. It really is to heal, it really is to ease off the power she has and approach without giving desperate vibes, where you can take the failure without much hurt and move on.

 

I agree with funboater also about not losing yourself. That opens up the relationship to games. You set the pace for a relationship where you have to keep selling a false persona, that is bound to explode at one point, one side is going to be unhappy. A relationship isnt that hard, well... it shouldnt be... if two people "just like each other for being who they are"- i hope some of you realize that when you find yourself again and realize that journey itself, and the doors it might open, are far more important. This is the step to realize what didnt work, what traits didnt mesh well with you, it will help build the archetype of the person you want forever.

[EgoJoe]

Lol, I am just playing. Sounds cool though.

 

Watch it!!!

[tomato]

SO thor - everyone is telling me just to go NC without anything?

 

I want to write a last letter - I am writing it because I acted like an idiot. I am really quite embarrassed I let myself go like that - I let my emotions through the first time I have since the BU. That is essentially me not being myself AT ALL I have for my whole life been 100% in control and I lost it - I dont want that to be the last thing she remembers of me its almost a matter of honour - THAT WAS NOT ME! never was, never will be again.

 

I was not myself the last time I saw her and I want to apologise for that and i think a nice letter will show I am not like that - to show it was an exception - and it will remind her that I am not like that but actually a good guy that she can be friends with (what she has wanted all along!!!! but I rejected stupidly)- that I am not not bitter or resentful and am wishing her well and cool with everything and she' free to call me and not have to worry about me still being pissed off with her..... its the truth - all of it.

 

How can I possibly reattract if I just go NC forever!?

 

I have this problem that I have the unique ability to get these once in a lifetime tickets to an amazing event only happening once in about a month which I know she would love more than anything else.....I know that the cool me would have offered for her to come with me to it - I dont think anyone else would appreciate it as much as her so it would be a waste - how about NC for a month and then asking her to a coffee and then during that - the show? Or stay NC - send a letter soon and then stay NC for a month etc...

 

if you say just NC then - she did come to me last time but it was when we parted nicely not with me insulting her!

[TangySour]

You are probably right. Though she never has cancelled any plans to meet me, and despite the fact that she was happy to see me each and every time thus far, she really just does not want to talk about the relationship with me. Friendly everyday chat would most likely be OK as she has been cool with that the last couple times we saw each other. I can see this as a truth because like I said, she only gets iffy when I mention "we need to talk". There are also a couple of possible reasons why I feel she does not want to talk about the relationship but it's a long story lol

 

You are right, she "could" have made plans early in the morning but I am only assuming she was free based on what she said. Though we know was assuming does lol Either way, I knew not to push it that time and let her contact me if she was indeed free.

 

I 100% agree with the not losing yourself part. I lost myself. I became this lazy **** blob that did not care for her needs and wants. I did not listen to her. I got very selfish. I only cared about my own happiness and not sharing it together with this girl. She tried so hard to make things work. She tried to accommodate me and slowly slap me into gear. I became this impossibly hard guy to please and it frustrated her. It is a two lane highway and she wanted to move us forward and make it work, but I was stuck in park holding it back. I have read the opening post on this thread so many times. I was a hardcore pusher. I pushed her away because I neglected her. I did not appreciate her, took her for granted, and just cared for my own **** self. I did not want to have to deal with her school crap. I basically abandoned her to deal with her **** herself and I was not there to make a difference when she needed it. I started to joke to my buddies "man she is so annoying" or "man she pisses me off". Eventually she turned to her friends to confide in instead. I became some hideous monster that even I cannot forgive myself for... what the **** happened to me...

 

Sure the post offers the option of contacting her and really making the amends to show I really do care and appreciate her, but maybe the timing is just not right at the moment.

I am for a fact say I am no longer that ***hole. I really have made great strides in finding myself. The breakup was the wake up slap I needed to really see the big picture. I am not saying she had no faults in the relationship, no one is perfect, but man did I royally mess this one up. I just want another chance to make it right. Be my new regained self, which is the man she fell for in the first place. I don't need her in my life. I want her...

[Fun Boater 1]

she said this to a friend of myn:

 

I'm not talking to him anymore I've told him to stop talking to me. All he wants to do is pull of some crazy act whenever he convinces me to go an see him and honestly I don't deserve it and nor do I need it. If I'm honest I think he has lost it a bit and I just don't want anything to do with him for a long long while until he calms down.

 

.

 

Tomato,

 

Read this statement above again. This is what she is saying about you to your friends. She knows when she says things like this to your friends that it will get back to you. She wants it to get back to you because she's probably tired of your neediness, obsession, desperation, and she's tired of trying to tell you to leave her alone so she feels she needs to reinforce what she's already told you by telling your friends as well.

 

Read this again and again (what shes' telling your friends) and ask yourself the following questions:

 

Do these words sound like the words of a girl who even wants to hear from you?

.....................................of a girl who would want to go an "amazing event" with you?

.....................................of a girl who is eagerly waiting to get some kind of sappy "lets be friends" pathetic apology letter from you?

.....................................of a girl who is even open to "being friends" with you at present?

.....................................of a girl who might be thinking she made a mistake and wants you again?

.....................................of a girl who is even remotely interested in anything about you at present?

 

You cannot, with any kind of honesty; answer any of these questions with a qualified "YES".

 

If she is telling your friends these kinds of things then she has clearly reached the point where she can no longer stand to hear from you or deal with you in any way, at least for some time to come, and when I say "time", I mean a long time; not a few days, a few weeks, or even a few months. I'm talking indefinately.

 

Stop with the "...but I want to show her that me losing my temper and getting psycho was a "one time" thing...I want to show her that's not how I am...etc.." She already knows that's not "how you are" because she was with you for a couple of years. There is no need to apologize for your actions because of this. Your best avenue of "apology" would be to totally leave her alone and say nothing about it...because that's what she ultimately wants you to do.

 

Another thing - since when have you decided that you want to "be her friend"? You're in love with her and obsessed with her. You are desperate to be with her again. It is quite impossible for you and her to be truly "friends", because your motives for a "faux friendship" isn't rooted in a sincere desire to be her friend. You only want to be her friend now because you foolishly think that is another vehicle or "tactic" to get her back. Never works and just makes you look more desperate and pathetic, and she will also see right through it in light of all that's happened between you and her since the break up.

[tomato]

what on earth are you doing mentioning the relationship?????

 

Please never do that! It makes it seem like you are stuck in the past - thats done - your not hung up on that - you are the person you were when you first met her - did he ever talk about some old relationship and boring stuff like how to fix a crap one? NO - thats not what you do - You say you want to go out as friends just as friends but be very cool and sexy when you meet - initiate a bit of touching etc at the sign of first hesitation push the contact off - be a gentleman (open doors) but also tease her and act like she's your little sister - that worked brilliantly for me (until I confronted her and wanted to talk - that killed all the progress) - so - do that say you want to be friends and read david deaneglo's DD book - see how he uses that phrase - genius!

[tomato]

Another thing - since when have you decided that you want to "be her friend"? You're in love with her and obsessed with her. You are desperate to be with her again. It is quite impossible for you and her to be truly "friends", because your motives for a "faux friendship" isn't rooted in a sincere desire to be her friend. You only want to be her friend now because you foolishly think that is another vehicle or "tactic" to get her back. Never works and just makes you look more desperate and pathetic, and she will also see right through it in light of all that's happened between you and her since the break up.

 

thanks for your advice - yes she is pissed off clearly. But your wrong here it did work very well - we had a really good time hanging out as friends and everything would have been great had I not told her that Ididnt want to be. All that did was send signals of not having moved on etc - which I actually had - its always a bad move to push things forwards like that with a girl - even new girls - that is a mistake and THAT never works - there is always a bit of hiding of emotions on both sides.

 

I dont see why the letter would be pathetic - I can make it non-pathetic with your help.At least try and help me make it non-needy etc nobody is going to put me off writing a short simple apology for something I am man enough to admit to having * * * * ed up. A good man knows when he is wrong and admits it and apologises - then never does it again. Simple. I'm sending one- dont make me put it off or it will seem more needy right?