How to TRY to get an ex back...

[drmcsugar]

Yes, things like this actually help more than hurt (imo). It closes the door abruptly, and there is only one way now, and that is to heal. No more pointing the finger at yourself, hes not looking too cute right now either. There are many people who would keep fighting for someone. Use what little you can find about him to finally push away out of sheer disappointment or disgust.

 

"Sheer disappointment or disgust" is a bit more poetic than I was thinking. I felt relieved last night but also feel a sharp pain today. Truthfully, I love him and want him to be happy; and if she makes him happy, then it somewhat satisifies me since he wasn't happy being with me. But goddamn, he takes her to places where we had our first dates and what we'd usually do, so he must be ... really feeling it. I, on the other hand, although currently seeing someone else right now, I already see the end before it begins. But its not like he publicly published these informations/pics of him dating someone else to hurt me (his facebook doesn't have anything involved her, he's still "single," etc...)I only got to know because I snooped. But, oh well, the only way to go now is forwards anyways.

I have a question, though. After we broke up, we exchanged our stuffs and said the last words about a month ago. However, yesterday, the weather was really nice here and I wanted to go play tennis, then I came to realize that f*ck, my tennise racquets are all still in his trunk. I forgot to pick it up because it was the winter when we ended things and we never looked in the car's trunk. I would have let it go if the racquets weren't so expensive, so I'm planning to email him. Yet, he's seeing someone right now, I don't want to pop in his life and have him think I use these tennis racquets as an excuse to see/talk to/win him back. But then again, I don't want to wait another 2-3 months to ask for them back, because he may throw them away since he's in the process of moving out. So, I'm going to drop him an email with something like this, "Hey, I was trying to play tennis the other day since the weather was so nice out, but I realized I had left my racquets in your car's trunk. I know you're moving out soon, so I don't want you to throw those away. Do you mind giving them to Sammy (our mutual friend) since she's going to be around the area on the [date/time]? Thanks!"

 

What do you think? I'm still open for future reconciliation so I don't want to ruin anything. But I want those damn racquets back! D: I don't want to face him when I'm emotionally unstable either; it just makes things more uncomfortable, so I'm sending a good girlfriend of mine. Not too shabby, eh?

[Thorshammer]

Eh, i dont know, maybe ask him for it and that if it was cool if a friend picked them up for you. He might see it as you trying to get his attention regardless. My ex has a 200 dollar bottle of liquor of mines in her house, no way will i ask for that back. So, its your call, you know more than anyone else what his brain might be thinking by asking him for your stuff back.

[CMS]

Eh, i dont know, maybe ask him for it and that if it was cool if a friend picked them up for you. He might see it as you trying to get his attention regardless. My ex has a 200 dollar bottle of liquor of mines in her house, no way will i ask for that back. So, its your call, you know more than anyone else what his brain might be thinking by asking him for your stuff back.

 

Dude, get that Johnny blue back man, its Johnny blue for the love of god. Lol

[Scuza]

Dude, get that Johnny blue back man, its Johnny blue for the love of god. Lol

 

Quoting for reiteration of the statement. Leave no man behind, especially not Johnny.

[fwdz]

Time machine does not work, however, if they are the ones who did the changing...or false advertising...take two to make a couple, only one to end it. And if the other really does not want to get back toghether well....you're not.

[Thorshammer]

Dude, get that Johnny blue back man, its Johnny blue for the love of god. Lol

 

Nah, she can keep it, its not that serious. I did leave it as a plant to recontact when i still cared, since she told me it would be in her house and i can get it back whenever i wanted, i just didnt see the reason to want the bottle again nor want to recontact again.

 

When i took a step out of my emotional phase, i realized it just wasnt going to work and that this really was for the best.

[drmcsugar]

Sweet Jesus. I went out running in the National Mall (everyone runs there) with the guy I'm currently seeing right now because we have a race on Sunday, so we've been training together. Guess who I ran into? My ex-boyfriend and his cousin, who were both equally friendly-cold to me. I honestly wanted to ignore them while I was on the run, but she saw me, I was in complete shock so I stopped the run inevitably. I went towards them and tried to hug his cousin (who was somewhat close to me - I had always liked her), but she didn't hug me back. Awkward turtle 1. Then I turned around and saw my ex sitting next to her, I tried to be graceful and friendly, but it didn't work out. I was so shocked that I had a stutter LOL - he even asked if I got a cold. He seemed overly happy, said hi, and asked me how I was doing. I introduced the guy I'm seeing as a FRIEND and that we are training for a 10k on Sunday (my ex and I used to do this race together), and they shook hands. Awkward turtle 2 here it is. I mentioned that I had my tennis racquets in his car still, and he said that I could go check it right now if I wanted to, then pointed to his car's direction. I told him that I can't go running with my FOUR racquets on my back. Consequently, his cousin jumped in, "Sheesh, I mean, we're having coffee right now." That point, I took my cue, I excused myself to go back to running, and said I'll pick it up sometime later when he's not too busy. But it was AWKWARD. I was nervous and shocked. He probably thinks that I purposely take my new boyfriend to his work (he bartends next door) to make him jealous. I could feel that they were talking about us after we ran past them. However, he seemed happy, though, I got to know he had had lunch with his curvy brunette earlier that day because I snooped a few days ago, so he's WAY well over me. What he remembers of me now is "I shouldn't have to feel this way. Michelle (me) sleeping at my house we'd go to bed on opposite sides and the discomfort was palpable."

The synopsis of this is that, I wasn't crying/extremely upset about seeing him. I just didn't want to leave a bad taste in his mouth although I tried really hard to have a clean break; and he assured me that he didn't hate me, but I guess he still can't let go of the bad memories. So I was ... angry after I ran into them, because of how cold/pretentious they were. I remember, after the break, his cousin was still all nice to me; she said she'd lend a hand if I needed to confine in or need an ear on my ex. He had kissed me goodbye, wished me well, and told me to take care of myself last time we met, too. And now they turn back like strangers. But I guess, things like this happen all the time. The moral of the story is you just gotta wreck it all, hope and everything, cut all the ropes and fall, then you climb back up. Honestly, seeing him after 6 weeks kinda put me in the question of why was I even attracted to him in the first place, at least physically. I probably just killed all of his leftover attraction that he had of me after today, anyway. Oh well.

 

Oh, just a side comment. After I ran into my ex, I tried to break up with the guy I was seeing, because I'm not completely over my previous relationship, and it'd be unfair to continue it (I had brought this up before, yet, he ignored it and thought he liked things the way they were). He flipped out in public, threatened that he'd come back to my ex's bar to tell him that this is his loss, and he's been sleeping with me. Then, I was close to tears, and he apologized; apparently we're still seeing each other. Uhh, what the hell is wrong with men?

[Thorshammer]

The guy you are talking to is an idiot. I would scrap him quickly, go out with a real man, no disrespect, but you need someone stronger, not someone who is going to have a fit and blackmail you, thats the last thing you need right now. He is being impatient, insensitive, and weak. That enough is grounds to cut him off.

 

The situation with your ex's cousin doesnt surprise me. I am sure she is playing out some fictional scenario in her head and feeding your ex. None of that matters now though. You should be having fun, you know you arent ready. You are only 20 you said, thats young. There is many archetypes of men you have yet to meet, many types of relationships that you have yet to believe in, many years to conquer your issues and learn to adapt it to a relationship. I would just hold back close intimacy with men.

[CMS]

I agree, if he is that attached and emotional after just a few weeks that shows tremendous insecurity on his part. I actually dont envy your position with him right now, I mean sounds to me like you stayed with him because you felt bad for him, not a good start to any relationship.

 

Kinda reminds me of my last relationship which ended 6 weeks ago. I was dating this girl who like you was out of a 2 year relationship, but hers ended about 4 months before we started dating, she thought she was ready but it became quite clear that she was not as time goes on (2 months), so I called her out on her behaviors (hot and cold) and she confessed she was not ready, so I told her we need to break up and if she is ready and I am single, she knows where to find me, and I walked and contacted her since.

 

She said felt bad for me and wants to wait and see if she can get over it and I said no, I mean I dont need someone to be with me because she felt bad for me. I said no because I am not going to settle for being the second, I mean I dont need someone to be with me because she felt bad for me. So for both of your sake, you should cut him loose, he would understand (probably mad first but understand eventually). You though, need to get your bearings right, grieve for the relationship (it takes a long time if it is a significant one), it took me almost 5 months to get over my last serious relationship. Grieve on what you had, get yourself back, learn to be happy on your own.

 

PS. sorry about the way you run into your ex, that was awkward but C'est la vie

[jjcool00]

Since you guys are the experts here, I figured maybe you can help me with my situation. Been dating a girl since November, cool girl works real hard bought a house in november. I was reserved kept my guard up because i was recently hurt by a diff girl in august, she left me for whatever reason. Things were going good with my new girl... she was getting close, being affectionate (even though she's not an affectionate person). She hinted several times that she was in love with me and jokingly I'd be like yeah I know. Or stop being so in love with me. One day about a month ago we are having sex she asks me to tell her I love her. I was thrown off! She then said "I love you soooo much" so I said F it, I guess I do too, so I said it... then I realized I really do love her. A few days later it's valentines day and I got her a small gift ( she hates gifts) so she basically threw it in my face saying she didnt want it, I got upset left.. she sent several texts saying "just want to remind you i love you etc" I ignored because I was heated... couple days go by and I got over it, things became good again. A few more days go by and she became really distant... We talked about it and she said she was having a mid life crisis something to the effect of there's things she wants to do and etc. that she feels she won't be able to do eventually. I told her that there's things everyone wants to do that they won't be able to. I asked her what she wanted. She said there's nothing wrong with us, it has nothing to even do with you, I'm having a mid life crisis and I'm not saying this wont work out I just need space. So I gave her space... I dropped her off that day, didn't stay over... didnt hear from her for a couple of days.. then she texts me telling me she was really really sick with a stomach virus to come over, I do... I sleep over - the next morning she tells me she feels suffocated. So I said I would give her space again. The next day she calls me and says something to the effect of "I need a break, if I don't take a break I'm going to continue taking everything out on you and I can already see its making you unhappy." "If i keep going this route you will leave and ill ruin things forever, you'll never give me another chance" again she reiterated "I'm not saying this isnt going to work" I asked if there was someone else, she said no not at all. she said "I just need time to find myself again so we can both be happy again." So ive been giving her space been a full week... she texted on monday saying "sorry i havent called you ive been so busy, so much drama (i wont go into it but she does have A LOT going on relating to her family). So i just wrote back "wow that sounds CRAZY" and thats the last I've heard from her... been 3 days. I saw Thor you mentioned something bout the quarter life crisis, shes 28 and believes shes having a mid life crisis. Should I just continue giving her the space, should I not be SO distant and contact her every now and then? What would you guys do?

[CMS]

This is what I am going to do, if I am you, I am going to give her as much space as I can humanly give, dont call her, dont text her, respond to her once a while just friendly and short and high spirit. I have been through this type of situation before, if she is confused, give her as much space as you can and let her figure out her stuff, any pushing (contacting her) right now will most likely driving her away further

[jjcool00]

Thanks for the response!

Exactly what I think I've been doing.. I responded to her 4 page text with just a simple text "wow that sounds crazy" and havent initiated or said anything at all since. I just don't want to come off as being TOO distant.

[CMS]

Thanks for the response!

Exactly what I think I've been doing.. I responded to her 4 page text with just a simple text "wow that sounds crazy" and havent initiated or said anything at all since. I just don't want to come off as being TOO distant.

 

Too distant is actually good, forces her to face the reality that she MIGHT be losing you. If I were you, I would only respond to half of the texts and about at least a few hours to a day or 2 late.

[jjcool00]

Yeah when she texted me she texted at like 11AM, I responded at like 5 PM. She hasnt said anything since and neither have I.

[drmcsugar]

@Thorshammer and @Cmswifty:

 

Correct, correct, and correct. This is going to sound like a rant. *

He's insensitive (and over sensitive most of other time), weak, and extremely insecure, but egotistical. He's 31 years old (I tend to attract/be attracted to older men; my ex is 25) and has his life very together: lawyer, nice apartment, decent looking and all that package. Now, he's asked me out for the past 8 months but I wasn't interested, (especially he seems to think that his superficial bonuses should be why I should be impressed), and also, I was dating my ex. So we were platonic workout partners/close friends till my breakup and he offered to be there for me, even as a rebound. I never thought it was a fair idea but he insisted on that I should give him a chance. * I thought, hell, * if I don't try, I would never know when I'll be emotionally ready. So we went on a few dates. Honestly I don't even know how we started dating exclusively; it wasn't healthy the way it was brought up. He expressed his strong opinion that he doesn't like me seeing other people besides him right now; I thought that was quick, but is a fair point because I wouldn't like him going around sleeping with others, either (not a jealousy issue; I'm all about having a healthy sex life since I'm on birth control). So that's when we became exclusively dating. But he was getting more possessive and emotionally reliant. He would have a problem with men looking at me at the bar (although I'm highly convinced it's his insecurity issues) or even have a problem with his roommate talking to me (when the only words I traded with his roommate is about Gossip girls). He got upset whenever I talked about my previous relationship or JUST about any other man. Also, he needs to be in constant touch with me- physically and telepathically lol. Just like your ex, Thor, he couldn't work optimally without me being in his apartment or texting him back within certain timeframe. When I'm with him even just sleeping, he'd get his work done well; but when I'm not, he'd try to be in touch with me. It was almost like dating another version of myself- no wonder my ex bailed. Yesterday, before we went out running and running into my ex subsequently, I asked him to take things slow and if we could just casually date each other (which he took as me breaking up with him), he didn't seem thrilled but agreed to it. But after we ran into my ex, I asked him to not be lovey dovey to me if we ran into them again on the way back because I REALLY didn't want my ex to think that I purposely brought a man to his neighborhood to make him jealous. So the guy I'm seeing, flipped out on me in public saying he doesn't want to act as my friend, doesn't want to break up with me, and that he'd go back to my ex's bar to tell him that we had been "explicitly f*cking." Yes this came from a 31-year-old man. Moreover, since I had "broken up" with him twice his week (when I asked him to take things slow/be my friend instead of boyfriend without judgement), he told me to go f*ck myself. He went off on me, now that he has seen my ex, about how bad-looking/chubby/underdressed/career unstable my ex is, and how he-as a decent-looking lawyer- is so much more of a catch than my ex is, and if I don't realize that, then I should go f*ck myself. Mind you, my ex is into body building (6'2- 210lbs/ he was proud of being "swole"), so what this lawyer guy considers "fat" isn't the same thing as "unhealthy." Anyway, this was when I was almost tearing up in public, he said that I deserve it but started apologizing profusely. He has a small-man complex that was hurtful to hear. So we ran the next 5 miles back to his place in just silence, although he tried to hug/kiss me but I was just too overwhelmed of all the drama. What did I do to deserve these men's hatreds? Honestly, this is reminding of my previous relationship even more, because I was the emotional abuser, and my ex always had to be the one to make it up to me to just make me happy. It was like dating another version of myself.

 

Regardless of this rant, I want to end with the fact that I believe in the good in people. I'd like to give people chances, because before dating my ex, I was very lonely, I'd go on dates, have sex with people, and never call them back because I didn't think they were worth my ultimate attention/affection/dedication. Also, at the time, I was clinically depressed so I really couldn't see myself loving someone for who they are, besides sex. I just didn't want to be close to anyone. But my ex happened, we continued to meet after sex (yeah, I used him for sex at first, and he did, too), because we were in the same lab, and he enjoyed seeing me. I wanted to bail for months afterwards because of the same doubts I have, but I didn't. And I ended up really loving him and liking what we had; I don't regret that, because right now, I'm completely over those one-night-stands; I don't see people for just their sexual entertainment anymore. I like having someone to go home, too, although I highly doubt that it will be this lawyer guy I'll settle with. But people can surprise you if you allow them to. I left his place last night after he refused to have a clean break up, I told him the only way I'd take this is if we took things slow and I'd need my space right now, he agreed to that and hasn't been on my Facebook/gchat/phone to be in constant touch with me...today yet. So, we'll see. But I'm not in the position where I can be tied down with another man right now, especially only after 3 weeks, I already feel suffocated. I really just want to be alone for a while; relationships have been wearing me out to no end.

[Donovan79]

But I'm not in the position where I can be tied down with another man right now, especially only after 3 weeks, I already feel suffocated. I really just want to be alone for a while; relationships have been wearing me out to no end.

 

Having just read this entire thread -- and there's some good stuff in here -- I think that sounds like a good idea. You're doing the best you can to get over your ex but it's clearly too soon and you're not whole again yet. It'll be getting warm again in the next few weeks, enjoy the running and Tony & Joe's and all that good stuff but maybe leave the poor men alone for a bit and just get yourself in a better place.

 

What I haven't heard anyone talk about in all 28 pages of this thread is how to fix the issues once you get them back. This is the situation I'm stuck in now, and I feel a bit like the last seconds of The Graduate. After a great LDR I moved to her city b/c of a good job, and she broke up with me within five days though we'd been nuts about each other prior to that. Pressure of it becoming real, etc., whatever, I went NC and moved on.

 

Three weeks later she wants to get back together. As she's always been bad at communicating her feelings, I tell her some things have to change before we can consider that, especially her being able to tell me her problems. She thinks it over and then wants to meet to explain why she wants to do this. Last night we meet up. She says she's never been happier than back when she was with me. I "treated her perfectly". She thinks she messed up the best thing she's ever had. Blah blah etc. I cave in and agree to give it another shot, but say I need real commitment this time. She seems happy and agrees.

 

But the chemistry is gone.

 

We're "together" again, whatever that means, she got what she wanted, and we walk and talk for hours, but anytime I try to kiss her it's clearly not comfortable. She says she feels awkward and feelings of guilt are still overwhelming her, and maybe we should try just hanging out and watching a movie or something and not talking about the past. I agree and we say good night. I'm going to take it slow -- we agreed to meet for dinner tonight but I pushed it back to Weds -- and we barely messaged or spoke today.

 

The first step to fixing a BU is making them think about a relationship with you again and realize what they missed. But you might achieve that -- have them want that relationship back -- but yet you think when you get the relationship back it's going to be all puppies and roses and again right away, but it's not. It's dark and cold and bitter and feels the same way it did right around when you broke up.

 

Can this be fixed? Can you climb out of that dark place together, since you do both want it, somehow trust each other again, and get back to the happy, positive, crazy-love relationship you had before it went downhill?

[drmcsugar]

God I know this feeling.

Last summer, my ex and I went through a very rough time: constant fighting, new job for him, me spending a month at a different state, his housing/school situation, money and all that. It was so bad that I heartlessly told him that I didn't wanna come back to DC(where we live) because I enjoyed the peacefulness I had in Colorado. He took that hard - and pulled the breakup when I got back, said that he stuck through thicks and thins for me and I couldn't do the same. He made it clear that his feelings for me aren't the same anymore; he had felt this way for a while but he didn't have the heart to break up with me. It was all the fights we had plus external factors and my own problems that made this relationship toxic. God, I bawled. This was the first time that he said he didn't wanna be with me anymore, that he had to think about himself now instead of keeping living for me, and I wasn't making it easy for him either, etc. This was also our very first breakup (not the "let's break up with me then if you're not happy," then I'd come over and we'd have make-up sex). He was done; he said he needed time/space. We kept limited contact for 3 weeks, till I literally showed up at his place demanding a talk because we never had one, the talk about why we couldn't work out, and the solutions for those, god, I even suggested just being no-string-attached bootycalls if he thought he couldn't handle a serious girlfriend at the moment. Obviously, he said no to all of those. Long story short, we got back together later after I showed/promised him really what I would do to save the relationship and I meant it; he finally decided to give it another chance.

 

But man, he was cold. The whole relationship felt so ... fragile, like it could break anytime. It was like walking on eggshells for the whole month. I had to watch my words around him; I tried not to talk about anything serious. He seemed like he wasn't in it anymore; he was doing more like a chore. There was no "I love you" said (when he usually said it few times a day), there was no phone calls before bed, there was no sleeping overs. I saw the way it was, I prepared myself for the worst everyday that he'd break up with me out of the blue WHILE we were back together. It was living in constant fear, till one night, we were in the same bed, I said "Goodnight, I love you" (out of habit). And I didn't hear any response for a while but he finally said, "Sleep tight, babe." We turned our backs to each other. I Eventually asked him he question I meant to ask for weeks, "Do you still want to be with me?" and it took him a short silence to reply "Yeah." I knew right at that moment, I was done. I woke up the next day and saw a text from a female co-worker of his sent a few weeks ago telling him that we should break up, but it wasn't anything romantic between them. It was just her asking him how he was doing with the whole relationship because he came to work being frustrated a lot. And he told her about us, then her advice to him was to break up with me. I thought right at that moment that he was cheating on me; I was having a panic attack and started packing my stuffs. That was when he begged me to stay saying that he only wanted to be with me, that he loved me and he had been afraid to admit that because of the way our relationship was. Last night hearing me asking him if he wanted to be with me still or not made him realize that he had been treated me unfairly. But I still left. Seeing me leaving pierced his heart; he even dropped a tear.

He wrote to his friend, "I've become so cold of person that she didn't even know that if I still love her or not. But when I realize I need her, she's now leaving because she thought I cheated on her."

Anyway, I came back later that day after being confirmed that he wasnt seeing anyone else. He became all affectionate again; no more walking on eggshells and watching our words around each other. Things were splendid till he left forreal 2 months ago -__-

 

So in my experience, things do get better, especially if you choose to be patient and give the other person a chance (it kills you inside by the moment, though). But you already know how I feel about relationships in general: if you love someone, you just don't throw it all away; if it's worth having, it's worth fighting for. *

[Scuza]

It can be fixed, but only if she is willing to actually work on the relationship. Just 'seeing how it goes' won't fix anything, it will only cause more problems.

To me, it seems like it isn't working out for you. Uncomfortable kissing is a serious red flag. If you can't get her to talk about what went wrong and how it can be fixed, then nothing will be solved. It is easiest to solve personal (eg, personality) problems alone, when not together. You need to identify the problem before you can move forward.

[Donovan79]

So in my experience, things do get better, especially if you choose to be patient and give the other person a chance (it kills you inside by the moment, though). But you already know how I feel about relationships in general: if you love someone, you just don't throw it all away; if it's worth having, it's worth fighting for. *

 

How much time passed before "he left for real"? And what changed in that time?

 

It can be fixed, but only if she is willing to actually work on the relationship. Just 'seeing how it goes' won't fix anything, it will only cause more problems.

To me, it seems like it isn't working out for you. Uncomfortable kissing is a serious red flag. If you can't get her to talk about what went wrong and how it can be fixed, then nothing will be solved. It is easiest to solve personal (eg, personality) problems alone, when not together. You need to identify the problem before you can move forward.

 

Well, thing is she did talk about what went wrong. For an hour. She hadn't done this before but really wanted to do anything that would make me consider taking her back. She explained how messed up her head was after leaving her job. How her ex aggressively trying to get her back screwed with her head, especially as I was out of the country. How my coming to live here for real meant the fun LDR was over and this thing was suddenly real and that was a ton of pressure all at once. And that as my new job is "so much better" (her words) than hers, she felt sure I was going to just settle in and make new friends and meet new girls and leave her in a few months.

 

What's hard for me to tell is how true any of this was, if any of it was the real problem. To me, it feels like she had just lost attraction when I returned, where when we'd seen each other every weekend during the LDR it was just insane can't-keep-our-hands-off-each-other chemistry. And I still feel that lack of magnetism, however much she wants the relationship back. Maybe the reasons above are what caused it, maybe it's something else, I don't know. What I do know is that we both want to get back to that place, but just don't know how.

 

Someone once said that men need sexual intimacy before they can feel emotional intimacy, and women need emotional intimacy before they can feel sexual. If this is correct, it may be that due to the NC and my job and the speed at which I've made new friends, she feels like maybe she was right and I don't need her. The other night she kept asking "what do you want? Tell me." As I'm the dumpee, I wasn't going to beg her back and tell her I love her and need her. I needed to hear she really wanted it. Was serious. Wasn't going anywhere again. That this wasn't the typical high-school situation where the girl only wants him back because he's moved on, if he says baby I need you still she gets her ego soothed and can dump him again.

 

But that's pretty weak behavior from me. She's got real problems and serious insecurities while my life is okay, sad about her and a little alone in a new place but otherwise together. As I see it all I can do is make myself available but not too, let her know that I f%&*ing DO want her and care about her, but not put pressure her on it and see if we can find something good past the awkwardness. Pushing her to talk about it more generally backfires, so for now it looks like I'm the fun guy that shows up for movies and drinks once in awhile.

[crossx]

Thor, my Ex of 3 years is having some mental issues too. I know she was depressed before she met me, but before breaking up with me she was very depressed and confused and broke up with me because she feels guilty and she cant make me happy. I'm giving her space and time but like 5 days after the breakup she told a mutual friend that she never wants to date me again and to just not talk to her. This was all after a great valentines day, she even said so after the breakup, but she said she felt emotionally unavailable after valentines day and thats when she started thinking about calling it off. She loved me very much all the way up till she ended it. Our compatibility for each other is unmatched.

 

I've gotten better, I still think about her. I'm trying to focus on myself but I always end up thinking about her when alone. I'm just not sure of the mindset she has. I think its just her depression talking through her and taking over. I fear she won't ever been in that "questioning/missing me" stage of the breakup because of how depressed people constantly dwell on the negative, which is going to make her get over me pretty quick. Hm, well all I know is that if she loves me as much as it was obvious, she'll come back. I'm just concerned if she'll get over her depression smoothly (LOTS of hours at uni, pressured by parents, stressful job, alone in a dorm by herself most of the week). She has pushed plenty of people out of her life, such as her mom, but the eventually come back in. I'm sure I'll be back in her life some day (removed me from FB and everything), hopefully pretty soon but not before we are healed. Our relationship had very little troubles, but she has self-esteem issues and says that our relationship can't work because she's been hiding from me. Our relationship was fantastic but I don't know if it will work out since she tends to hide from her troubles, not communicate.

[Donovan79]

You know, I see a lot of us on this board (myself above all), who come here and complain that they lost someone fantastic, and we try to question / put much of the blame on the lost partner's insecurity issues. Which is certainly often the case. Yet I can't help but wonder how often it's our own insecurity issues (the posters') which not only drove the other away (not saying you at all crossx), but also causes us to complain to complete strangers online...

[Thorshammer]

I just caution everyone not to tag every break-up as depression. Also, people can get depressed when they start planning out a break-up. Regardless, i would worry about her less, and what you think her issue might be, and focus on yourself (I know my ex had depression, but i didnt tag her with it and waited until she snapped out of it). You are your own person with your own life, you are your priority.

[LastMan]

In my experience, even if you were "neglectful" and pushed too much, it will not benefit you to make up for that post-breakup. Especially if you are a male who has been dumped, the female will often demonize you as a "terrible boyfriend" in order to rationalize the split and justify it in her mind. In actuality, there is little truth to what she says, the facts remain: she lost attraction/found someone else.

 

Trying to show her that you can be a kinder and more caring man after the split will fail miserably.

[Zain]

thor,

what if something she did in the past caused me to become insecure and controlling which lead to fighting and accusations (saying mean things) when really she was trying to show me change? which route to take? chase a lil or nc? continue to show affection while working on reversing bad traits? she constantly tells me she loves and misses me. just that i made her feel like all she ever did was ruin me

[flatplane]

I just caution everyone not to tag every break-up as depression. Also, people can get depressed when they start planning out a break-up. Regardless, i would worry about her less, and what you think her issue might be, and focus on yourself (I know my ex had depression, but i didnt tag her with it and waited until she snapped out of it). You are your own person with your own life, you are your priority.

 

Much of what I have learnt over my brief stay here is that by and large Thorshammmer is spot on the money most of the time. He's well worth listening to..