How to TRY to get an ex back...

[solidbunker]

Guilty, Your Honor! I did pleadings (trying to knock some sense in her),some stupid things (which I dont regret at all...I wont apologize for wanting someone),called more than wanted or requested for...So what!!

At least I had the courage to try cause I thought it was worthy.But yes,I was wrong,she didnt love me,all a fantasy and now on the move.

I find it exciting moving on to the unknown,so many things to discover (and to rediscover too).

Who knows ? Maybe you reconnect again in the future, maybe not, but the trick is to let go (for now) and see what happens in the future.In the mean time, enjoy yourself and let flow the pain, dont get stucked!

Go out even if you dont want to,dont nag all the time to friends or family,just move on and be as attractive to LIFE as you can be.

I just got out of a nasty break up and I cant stop laughing about it...and there is nothing that I can do about it,so why not laugh about it ?

This attitude pushes me to go out, meet new people at bars and other places...Heck! I met 3 women in less than 2 weeks and some dates lined (tonight and tomorrow) plus some old flames for next week.

Call me whatever you want but I call it survival cause nobody,NOBODY will look after me if I dont do it myself.

She is already with somebody else and I wish her nothing but the best life got to offer.

Did I love her ? I still do. Wounds ? They heal.

This shall also pass...cause I want to!

[Thorshammer]

He wants a booty-call out of you, there is no guessing with his actions. Also, he seems to be interested in what you are doing, only to push away when you feed him, this is also obvious that he is playing games; or in other words, hes not spitting out what he means /wants and is "beating around the bush". Also, i see some weak push and pull from his side.

 

Unless you really did do something horrible to him, i wouldnt buy it. He might be playing the victim for sympathy, trying to keep a leash on his prospect without them seeing the obvious.

 

I would go NC, you said nothing good about him. When he calls- ignore, or call back a day later and just say, "sorry, i was out". When he asks for specifics, "who are you with, what were you doing?" Answer with, "none of your business"- then laugh, if he gets serious, tell him you really dont want to talk about that stuff with him. Why even bother with this dude anyway? Do you really want to bring out tactics on a dude who is attempting to get a booty-call out of you?

[Thorshammer]

There you go, as much as everyone doesnt see it now, this would be the best outcome for many.

[EgoJoe]

I totally agree, which is why I said play it cold 'cus it is weak push and pull and he'd probably slip up and make a "desperate play" if he has nothing else lined up.

 

Samatha: A dude who really loves you will take a lot of grief before giving up. Look at some of the guys who post here. However, light at the end of the tunnel: this guy is obvously still attracted to you he is just a cake eater though. I bet if you play this cold and start ignoring or even better call him out on his BS. You might get an apology or more.

[Samatha]

I totally agree, which is why I said play it cold 'cus it is weak push and pull and he'd probably slip up and make a "desperate play" if he has nothing else lined up.

 

Samatha: A dude who really loves you will take a lot of grief before giving up. Look at some of the guys who post here. However, light at the end of the tunnel: this guy is obvously still attracted to you he is just a cake eater though. I bet if you play this cold and start ignoring or even better call him out on his BS. You might get an apology or more.

 

Well it has already been almost a year.. I was horrible because I pulled, and then pushed him away, and felt unsure of us... that hurt him, all the quarrels made him end everything.. yet, I always knew I loved him, I just told him I was feeling awkward, but oh well..

I think by "complicating" he means, that he fears that we fall in love again, since we have already been together, that we suffer again, that our freinds/families suffer again etc etc... that's why he said that he wanted to "prevent complications".

I joked with him saying that it might would me better, if he stopped blocking himself like that and just played it cooler, that I'm no monster, that if somethings happens, good or bad, he should just go on with whatever, and stop trying to prevent things, that not every complication is "negative"... so to say, I tried to appeal to his "logic".... but well.. I just recieved an "OK I'll try".

as said, BU was in the beginning of last year.. after this talks of both sides, is going NC really the best option? I mean, is there no problem of starting it, out of the blue, and after his strange approaches to me?

Oh btw, he just wrote telling me that he really would like to go to the cinema next month with me. o.o

[Thorshammer]

Well it has already been almost a year.. I was horrible because I pulled, and then pushed him away, and felt unsure of us... that hurt him, all the quarrels made him end everything.. yet, I always knew I loved him, I just told him I was feeling awkward, but oh well..

 

We cant guess what happened, you need to understand what happened, if not for him, then for yourself (or for whoever will be your future). The first step in anything in life, is to find out "why", and evolve from it (if possible).

 

Thats why i wrote my first post as loose as I could, so poster can put the pieces together themselves. We cant fix the puzzle for you.

 

If you pushed, then his reaction might be that of being defensive and guarded in his approach-

 

I had an ex who still does this with me. She asks what I am doing, looking for hints to see if I am involved with anyone- then pushes away as she gets her answer, as if it was a sign for me that she is interested, and its my turn to make it obvious that I am interested in return (I am not saying your ex is like this, but I know MY ex, and i can analyze her behavior). She feels that I will reject her, or i will get angry, which is true... because this is how i usually react when she tries to draw me in (hence why i say your final impression should never be stubborn or defensive, because this will set the pace of future communication).

 

If you believe you pushed, but really pulled (not many know the difference, some just rather believe they are the side that fits their ego).

 

Then in my experience, pulling too much causes a loss of attraction. This doesnt need to be explained, it even happens with friendships. His type of behavior could be that of circulating interest (attraction) that quickly dies out when he senses a bit of pulling from your side. I was always careful not to pull in someone who left due to them losing attraction in me, this was done due to pride and being stubborn, but it had the effect of building their interest in me.

 

Plus, everyone likes it when they have someone who likes them. We all like the ego-boost. Some dont mind the quick "pick me up". I would lying if i said having my ex still chasing me didnt feel good. I have done the whole pulling my ex in and letting her go when i feel its not worth it (she broke up with me in a mean way, so I am not that much of a badguy).

 

I think by "complicating" he means, that he fears that we fall in love again, since we have already been together, that we suffer again, that our freinds/families suffer again etc etc... that's why he said that he wanted to "prevent complications".

 

He doesnt want to fall for you... so... regardless of how he elegantly wants to spin it, its not what you want. He could have very noble reasons, but i dont see it any difference as a new guy who doesnt want to be commited to you, but still wants to fool around, they both have the same agenda- except you have history with one.

 

I joked with him saying that it might would me better, if he stopped blocking himself like that and just played it cooler, that I'm no monster, that if somethings happens, good or bad, he should just go on with whatever, and stop trying to prevent things, that not every complication is "negative"... so to say, I tried to appeal to his "logic".... but well.. I just recieved an "OK I'll try".

as said, BU was in the beginning of last year.. after this talks of both sides, is going NC really the best option? I mean, is there no problem of starting it, out of the blue, and after his strange approaches to me?

Oh btw, he just wrote telling me that he really would like to go to the cinema next month with me. o.o

 

The thing about forums is that someone gives out advice, then the poster adds a bit more, which makes the poster giving advice (if they are still interested) modify their original advice since a whole new perspective is added. You need to figure this out for yourself. If you do go, dont pull in too much, you didnt end it so you shouldnt be putting in all the work to patch it up.

[Samatha]

Well your posts and those of egojoe really are helping me out right now. I was soo cool and relaxed and now that he's in the picture a bit stronger, I'm losing my coolness.

He even texted a message that was for another girl sending it wrongly to me. So it's like I try not to analize too much, yet the ideas wander all around the same thing.

I can't really say what pushed him away from me, maybe I was both.. but the more I think about this whole story, ,the more I feel stressed out, I don't want to lose anymore thoughts and time about a guy who after so much doesn't know what he wants, and if it's me who he wants, and who's even afraid of me.

Then I think as you both said, that I deserve much better..

 

right now, first he sends me a message that was a mistake, it should go to another girl, then he tells me something like "with you it's like with no one other, I miss bedtime with you" blabla..

Let's see how this evolves, I return NC, I'm no one's ego booster.. and no one's personal-intimation-toy...

 

I'll let you know if something*important* happens. Right now I'm only confused whereas to accept or not his movie invitation...it would be the first time we see us in almost 11 months..

[EgoJoe]

This guy is playing games. Play your trump card. Opt out.

[Samatha]

will do so.. thanls to both.. will continue as silent reader.. as said, if there are important messages, I'll ask again

[Zain]

Thor, thanks for this thread and for your advice. all I can say is it worked

[ghengisT]

If they are used to you chasing, then don't , vanish .. poof .... like a fart in the wind

 

ROFL

 

Thor, thanks for this thread and for your advice. all I can say is it worked

 

Did you vanish like a fart in the wind? When you say it worked, she came back?

[Zain]

ROFL

 

 

 

Did you vanish like a fart in the wind? When you say it worked, she came back?

Nah, Just fixed the areas where I fell short on. took time.

[Samatha]

yeah so.. continuig NC... but he wrote mail, telling this:

 

"I was just thinking that, if you just know someone is for you, then you don't second thought.. and you wouldn't just overthink, you would just go for it. If you don't, it doesn't matter why, then it just means you're not that much into that person... don't you agree?

 

Couldn't helo reply myself with "no, I don't"

 

I think he was saying this because this agrees with his idea of not wanting to start anew with me, like..I don't know how to explain.. it's like he was "excusing" with this idea, why he isn't right now together with me. As if now his excuse is, that he just isn't into me...? makes it sense, or am I over analyzing? don't really know how to (if) respond to this.. I can't arrive to his logical part... nor to his emotional.. ouch

[EgoJoe]

He is giving you the backburner treatment and buying time. Gather your self-respect and tell him off then ignore him.

[markie6]

+1 to EgoJoe , your being kept on the hook , an option while he decides what to do.

 

Currently he is on his new trampoline, he is bouncing away happy in the knowledge there is a safety net. It's not so exciting if you aren't sure whether somebody will catch you if you fall

[Thorshammer]

Nah, Just fixed the areas where I fell short on. took time.

 

Thats good, bro. I dont know about you, but as the months go by, the image of my ex becomes very disgusting. I dont know what it is, but attraction to the them completely dies off. I guess logic completely takes over and manifests itself into a wall. Thats why i say, returning to yourself, learning about yourself, is priceless, you wouldnt get that any other way, you have to take the scars to grow.

[Thorshammer]

Thats called a feeler message. Hes testing the waters, for what purpose? Is unknown.

 

By replying, you either give him intell into your state of mind (remember, he knows you, he can put the pieces together and run with it), or hes thinking out loud (is he that type? I am that type btw).

 

By saying "no", you tell him that you still have feelings for him. If your intentions is to build attraction in nc (up to you, though your focus should be on healing, not on some last ditch effort), then answering him "no" ruined it. You fed him what he wanted (thats if he cares). Notice, i post above of mines explained how ex's come back for answers then dip away when they get what they want, you should have kept that in mind.

 

I would have said, "thats true". Return that feeling of rejection and insecurity right back to this face. I know its hard. With my recent ex, i strategized to tell her i agreed with the breakup (my mothers advice). She started changing her tone saying she did love me. Instead of going along with it, i grew angry, infuriated. I never played games of attraction with her, i was always 100% with her, and to resort to this was stupid, so i blew up on her and pretty much closed the door.

 

I think you should stick to NC and focus on healing only.

[Samatha]

I think so too..

btw I didn't reply, I just thought that out loud.. didn't write anything to him.. right now he's also asking pics of myself... last time I gave him he didn't compliment, but said "oh, you look tired haha"... and it was a "cute" picture of mine.. so yeah, it looks as if he was the whole time on his deffensive side when writing to me.

 

I always fear that, if he shows rejection, showing that kind of rejection right to his face, as you said now, will make it only worse.. that's just the feeling I have... but being nice and cute doesn't get me anywhere neither.

I already catalogued him on when he comes towards me: sex, wants to know if I'm with somebody, wants to know how I look like. fullstop...

 

I will continue NC for a while longer, maybe I have to strategize, too? It's only that he seems so different knwo towards me, then he used to be. It's like I don't know im anymore, so I don't know how to react. Is as if he was a complete new person... harsh one.

[and123]

After a little time of no-contact she asked me "how's life? Well.. It was very awkward question. While i was on my way to go out with a friend, i just replied that i have a week off from work and i have to go. She tried to tell me how somehow my relative asked her if she's stupid and why she broke up with me. That she got angry. I told her that I dont know anything about it. Well the reason why she contacted me as she said that a tv series that i like, they got out with second season. I told her I know. Next day we chatted a little and she was so weird. She used a lot of emoticons like and And day after that I tought I will answer her to her first question and I was honest to her. She told me that she only wanted to know if im better.

So.. might she be still interested? When she askes how am i and this werid acting.. well its messenger tho but I know she doesnt type like this usually.

I will someday go to see her or her mom and take some stuff to back to her. Like the presents she gave me and stuff.. It is hurting me when I see them and I dont want to throw them away.

[Thorshammer]

Of course hes different, hes not yours. He can justify any behavior because the commitment is off. I wouldnt worry about how your behavior will make you seem like, his behavior is awful since hes trying to squeeze sex out of the woman he dumped. Even if you play this charade, what exactly will you get for it? Can you really keep chugging along after this behavior, can you sit down with him knowing you had to do xxx to get him interested again, despite him really just wanting sex at first? If you met a new guy and he played those same cards, wanting sex and no commitment, what would you do? Why give him a free pass because you have history.. i'd rather take away his get-out-jail free-card because he actually broke up with you- that doesnt deserve the other cheek.

 

Remember, they have to worth it.

[Thorshammer]

Like my first post said, its nothing until its obviously something. Not all ex's are evil, everyone misses people who they are losing in their life. I would even say their might still be "love" there, but the attraction to keep a relationship going is destroyed that you dont have the relationship type of love (what if you miss someone who you dont want to be with, but still dont want to be with? This is common).

 

I would just play it cool and heal. Be friendly, give a little if you feel shes displaying obvious interest, but dont rush in- at the same time, realize this is all NOTHING, and that it will most likely be nothing. Dont slow down your healing, but dont ignore signs either, you need to walk a tight-rope (sometimes not trying again when you see a sign can actually do as much damage for healing in the long-run, as trying again and being rejected again).

[Samatha]

His request for sex, or similar, is what makes me feel so disgusted. And I'm so proud that I'm not giving in... I would lose so much self respect. And yes we had history, but that's because of it that I think that I deserve better, than an approach like this.

Well, as said, sticking to NC.... maybe he gets the idea that "asking for sex" doesn't works with me now. Though he already asked for us to meet to drink something but with the attitude he showed now, I don't really want to meet neither...

I'll eave for some time later on, if I want to.

[EgoJoe]

His request for sex, or similar, is what makes me feel so disgusted. And I'm so proud that I'm not giving in... I would lose so much self respect. And yes we had history, but that's because of it that I think that I deserve better, than an approach like this.

Well, as said, sticking to NC.... maybe he gets the idea that "asking for sex" doesn't works with me now. Though he already asked for us to meet to drink something but with the attitude he showed now, I don't really want to meet neither...

I'll eave for some time later on, if I want to.

 

We're proud of you Samatha. Way to value yourself. He is just trying a different approach to get in your pants now. Nothing short of, "I'm sorry for being a dbag who tried to use you as a meat tunnel etc." is good enough to talk to him now.

[Samatha]

thanks Egojoe and Thorshammer! Feeling way stronger and better thanks to you!

[pc12908]

Thorshammer, i would like to know if your advice applies to a situation where your ex says they supposedly fell out of love you (female dumper, due to fighting on behalf of the dumpee)? What do you do in a situation like this? Im still not sure to this day if her words are 100 % true, as maybe there are some residual feelings left, because her actions have proven otherwise many times, even coming close to a reconcilation where I feel I may have screwed up the chance. Maybe its confusion, who knows?

 

But why would they even THINK about reconciliation if like they say, they dont have any feelings for you? Have you ever had an ex personally tell you that and come back wanting to try again after following this advice? If their words are actually true, then why would they return? Wouldn't it be due to loneliness, familiarity, comfort, or jealousy/the fear of losing you to someone else? Im not sure whether to follow this advice or go strict NC, because either one can have a different outcome depending on how she truly feels about me, as in, if she really fell out of love, then I would have to re-attract her using your method, or if shes confused about her feelings, to go NC, leave her alone, let her see life without me, and let her sort out what she wants and what she really feels.

 

I have a thread posted which explains my entire situation, to give you a better idea maybe? We broke up due to me pushing away by fighting, being jealous and insecure, as well as boredom where I didnt work on keeping the sparks and excitement going. After which, I started to pull during the entire length of the breakup, controlling my temper, trusting her, and spending more time doing new things together. So now i'm thinking to maybe push away again, I have no idea how to proceed.