How to TRY to get an ex back...

[SmilingKatty]

He is most probably happy with someone else, I do not want to seem to be weak. And I am too proud to do something like that.

[CMS]

He is most probably happy with someone else, I do not want to seem to be weak. And I am too proud to do something like that.

 

Too proud to do what? show weakness? actually asking him straight up is not weak at all, its standing up for yourself, much better than ask him "if he is with someone else" then disappears

[SmilingKatty]

I am not going to ask him that. But I am sure, that when I ask about his life he will share it with me. Then I can decide what to do - and it is probably going to be gruadual disappearing.

[Nebraskagirl14]

Okay, but take care of yourself first... Seriously...

[Thorshammer]

No one can guess this mans state-of-mind except you, and you wont get that unless you gather intel. I still stick by the idea if you are the one who pulled too much, or the BU came out of the blue that you dont understand "why", that you shouldnt contact. Any contact is friendly if you do (which i hope was a good chunk of nc before any contact is made), but i wouldnt skip the healing process to reach this point. Too many people are fixated on "tricks" to get their ex back, but the meat and potatoes is to heal (and of course getting you back, except this time with new insight) than weigh your options (and for every single time i had an ex come back to me i was healed that i felt bad for not trying to feed their advances).

[Nebraskagirl14]

Thor-

 

So, I WAS the one that pulled back. She wanted me to chase her and even went as far as to say that she wished I was a bit more of a clinger. But I wasn't. When I made an attempt to reconcile, I showed her everything she wanted (not to put on a show) because I was actually feeling those things and I was capable of showing her passion, love, attention... but everything was different because she had already started exploring with someone else. So, I never pulled too much but I know that she was totally into having me fight for her. And I fought my heart out until I just couldn't anymore. And she knew it was making me crazy. Yesterday, I initiated NC because I couldn't chase her anymore to no avail. That's where we are now and as Snippot has experienced with me I'm trying to see how folks think that NC will affect her. I just told her it was too hard to continue on like we were - and it was. Now that you have a clearer picture, you have anything to add maybe? Would love to hear your thoughts... I asked her during the weird situation if she wanted me to disappear so it would be easier for her and she kept saying no and that my disappearing will not make it easier for her to date the other person because she'll still be thinking about me all the time.

[hobbie]

Wow read this entire thread, would really appreciate advice Thor

 

Me 24, Her 22

 

My girlfriend of 2.5 years moved to LA from PA in the summer, we never officially defined what our relationship would be after she left, but I guess it fell into an open one. We continued routine contact as often and intimate as when we were together i.e. text all day, bedtime convos, skype sex, sexy picture messages. I flew down in September and she came back in December and it was great. Couldn't make concrete plans for next visit due to money and work. On each visit she expressed her love and how she saw us together in the future, and that she wanted to marry me. I responded maybe every time. Last two months since she left in January have been the same, at least I thought in tone of convos.

 

3 Weeks ago I get a weird call of her crying at like 3AM/12AM her time, she blows it off as nothing, she's just drunk, but im like what the * * * * . I ask her a few times but she doesn't talk about it. Valentines comes and goes I send her some flowers, she sends me a like playboy centerfold collage of her. My birthday comes she calls me up at midnight to wish me a happy one, I'm very thankful. We have a random spat talking about some mutual friends in an LDR, the next day we dont talk for a day. She texts "I think our friendship is coming to an end" Frantic calls and texts ensue. She says she's lonely and tired of my lack of interest in phone covos. Turns out the crying was because she went on a date with another dude, and I dont know felt bad? They never contacted each other after the date. I really have no idea why she called me.

 

She says she's lonely and that basically if I was out there she would be with me and we would live together. I take a day to think and tell her that I would do it but only after I finish graduate school in 1.5-2 years and that I want to try a real exclusive LDR in the meantime. She says she cant commit to that. I tell her I cant just be around as a friend while she's dating other dudes or whatever and that we shouldn't communicate anymore, and she is just bcrying about how she is scared she'll never find someone like me and might be making a mistake.

 

NC was broke three days after. I call her up and she asks to call me back tomorrow as she was at work. She texts me if I'm awake at 230AM my time/1130hers. I basically ask hes what the deal is in regards to her feelings and the quick switcheroo. She doesnt really give any good answer. She ends with just saying she wants a break for a month, and that she's really busy with work, and that there is no other dude. That it's not that we can't be together in the future just she needs a break so she can be independent of me and explore and not miss out on anything. (which sounded like she meant other dudes).

 

I guess I can say I was pulling away as she was definitely putting out the effort in terms of the phone calls and whatnot and got upset when she didnt have my full attention or I wanted to go to sleep earlier and end our night convos early, but at the same time this date happened late Jan. at max 3 weeks after she was with me in December claiming she wanted to marry me. * * * man?

[Thorshammer]

Her actions dont match her words, i already told you she seems immature and selfish, her behavior is not warranted, what she says is meaningless right now.

 

Like i said on my first post;

 

 

Chase a bit, make up for what you didnt do, but dont force it that she loses attraction. What you DIDNT do YET was lose attraction, so your job is not to attract her, but to try to persuade her that you will change, and that you really want to work things out. At some point you have to call quits, but the most important thing is to end on a good note with you STILL trying. When you go NC announce it, tell her you are doing this for her, and you dont want to. Then go HEAL.

 

And further down i advised

 

If you pushed away... then i would suck it in and be there. She might still be hurt, still be attracted, its you holding on to the comfort and familiarity you both shared, you dont want it severed. You need some really thick skin, but YOU dont matter, you screwed up... so if she is just pulling you chain and using you... then sucks to be you! At some point you dont want to be her ego boost (again, sucks to be you, you should build her ego up, since your hurt her and killed her confidence anyway- but, you also have to call it a quits. She has a right to be selfish, and she will be absorbing whatever confidence she lost with you to feel safer in her new relationship- so back off at some point and change approach to being someone who "pulled too much"- though this does look bleak).

 

Though, i dont think you did anything wrong- so ignore the harshness of that since that was targeted to the jerks, so dont feed her anymore. Your wanting to hold back made perfect sense considering she moved on to someone else so quickly in 2 weeks (i wonder if she already knew her?)-- it would continue to make perfect sense to actually forget her, but you can only decide that yourself.

[Thorshammer]

LDR is a complicated issue, hence why i didnt mention it in any of my posts. I have no experience with this. I dumped an ex after she kept playing games, LDR and acting funny= meant- goodbye. You really need to be loyal, committed, and patient with each other, even one the traits are hard enough to find in some people, i can only imagine how hard it would be to find all 3.

 

Maybe someone with more ldr experience can chime in. I would cut my losses and move on. You cant force her to have the traits needed for an ldr, you cant attract miles away either.

[Thorshammer]

I hate to say this (but this is my post, so i can some of you are chasing after people that are not worth it. I would advise to swim out of of the emotional storm you are in, and wait for logic to open your eyes to these people as you start to heal. I honestly think this would be the greatest outcome.

[Nebraskagirl14]

I hate to say this back.... you're right

[EgoJoe]

I hate to say this (but this is my post, so i can some of you are chasing after people that are not worth it. I would advise to swim out of of the emotional storm you are in, and wait for logic to open your eyes to these people as you start to heal. I honestly think this would be the greatest outcome.

 

Money.

 

Or they have treated you so poorly that if you gathered your self-respect you'd realize that they ought to do all of the work.

 

You heal when you decide to. Nothing will change but you will change, shift your thinking.

[PhilWood]

Exactly Thor, solid advice. I'm a really competitive guy so getting dumped didn't actually align with how I see myself and it made me obsessed about winning her back for a while. After only a week of NC, I don't even know what I was thinking trying to get her back. I do think we as men have a tendency to try to fix things and the absolute worst feeling is helplessness and accepting that somethings are better left unfixed. Have faith that no matter how much you miss your ex and how perfect you perceived her, there will come a day where you will look back and be happy it's over. It requires a great deal of strength to realise these things but when you do, it truly changes your perspective.

[Thorshammer]

I hate to say this back.... you're right

 

Wait until logic starts to over-run your emotions, then look back. That will be the "real you", that will be you without the distractions, loneliness, sadness, of the emotional side of you. Right now, this is all words that will give you a temporary boost in healing.

[Thorshammer]

Exactly Thor, solid advice. I'm a really competitive guy so getting dumped didn't actually align with how I see myself and it made me obsessed about winning her back for a while. After only a week of NC, I don't even know what I was thinking trying to get her back. I do think we as men have a tendency to try to fix things and the absolute worst feeling is helplessness and accepting that somethings are better left unfixed. Have faith that no matter how much you miss your ex and how perfect you perceived her, there will come a day where you will look back and be happy it's over. It requires a great deal of strength to realise these things but when you do, it truly changes your perspective.

 

Yes, hopefully many of you can realize this. I know some people who go years without healing, and its usually because of underlying issues that they keep buried.

 

When my ex broke up with me, i created the "list" of everything i didnt like about her. I wanted to accelerate the healing. It worked up to a point. But its time that was the greatest motivator, it made that list make perfect sense that i didnt need it written out to remember and feel it.

[tomato]

When my ex broke up with me, i created the "list" of everything i didnt like about her. I wanted to accelerate the healing. It worked up to a point. But its time that was the greatest motivator, it made that list make perfect sense that i didnt need it written out to remember and feel it.

thanks again Thor!

 

so thor do you think a letter like the one you wrote can set things up to make reconciliation down the line more likely and possibly even sooner? Or will it just break NC and mean she needs even more time (ie reset the NC timer) to get to the point where she contacts me?

 

Did the ex get back to you that you wrote that letter to? Did she say anything about it? Do you think it was helpful in making it more likely she came back?

 

You say many have come back? How long did it take them on average? - could you give some detail on your stats please? And how did contact reinitiate? The ones that didn't - what was different about them/what did you do differently?

[Thorshammer]

thanks again Thor!

 

so thor do you think a letter like the one you wrote can set things up to make reconciliation down the line more likely and possibly even sooner? Or will it just break NC and mean she needs even more time (ie reset the NC timer) to get to the point where she contacts me?

 

Did the ex get back to you that you wrote that letter to? Did she say anything about it? Do you think it was helpful in making it more likely she came back?

 

You say many have come back? How long did it take them on average? - could you give some detail on your stats please? And how did contact reinitiate? The ones that didn't - what was different about them/what did you do differently?

 

Dude, you need to let go. You are being needy and clingy with posters and this forum, i can only imagine how turned off she must be with your behavior. The only girls who completely vanished on me (tho they werent gfs) were the ones who i was super needy with, and thats when i was 21.

 

To make my point, a lot of women value attraction based on behavior more so than men in my experience. If you are needy and clingy, its like being fat and ugly to them. You are not being romantic, heroic, or cute this way, you are doing the opposite.

[Nebraskagirl14]

Wait until logic starts to over-run your emotions, then look back. That will be the "real you", that will be you without the distractions, loneliness, sadness, of the emotional side of you. Right now, this is all words that will give you a temporary boost in healing.

 

God, you're right. I'm actually having a really good day today in letting things lie and even sending her light and love but focusing on me. When you stop the internal struggle, analyzing, trying to manipulate, trying to guess why or if or how they will come back, when you get to the crux of your particular issue which for me is rejection and self-worth and you turn your attention inward, only then will the answers and healing come.

[drmcsugar]

Well, Thor, here's an irrelevant update. It's 4AM now in DC. I just did the unbelievable. I still have all my ex's passwords (he gave them all to me voluntarily - I never gave him mine which was unfair to him), so today I logged into his Gmail and found out he's officially seeing another girl (the brunette I told you about). I felt... relieved surprisingly. Part of me has always seen this coming, but to have a confirmation of it to cut all hope for once - feels alleviating. I will not be snooping again. I found out my mom's undergoing heart surgery soon out of the blue a few days ago and I felt like breaking down to contact him, but I knew it wasn't a right thing to do because we're already broken up, so I ... decided to snoop to see where he's at right now, but it seems like he's moved on only after a bit over a month since the BU, and I feel ... okay. I still have feelings for him and I'm honestly not bitter. I'm also seeing someone right now (but seeing no future/most likely a rebound), so I can't blame him for moving on. I had also caved in and IM-ed him "hey" right after I heard about my mom, but he didn't reply; really didn't expect him to either. I guess, I felt a bit angered that even the people I don't talk to at all, has a decency to send me a mere text asking how my mom's doing, etc... but someone I dated for 2 years couldn't even drop me a line. But, the irony isn't lost in me. We're broken up, he has no obligation to be concerned for my feelings, so again, I really can't blame him. But at least now I've got the confirmation I needed, I can finally let it go. Still shivering, though.

[tomato]

Dude, you need to let go. You are being needy and clingy with posters and this forum, i can only imagine how turned off she must be with your behavior. The only girls who completely vanished on me (tho they werent gfs) were the ones who i was super needy with, and thats when i was 21.

 

To make my point, a lot of women value attraction based on behavior more so than men in my experience. If you are needy and clingy, its like being fat and ugly to them. You are not being romantic, heroic, or cute this way, you are doing the opposite.

thanks for your response.

I totally get what your saying, I know the game. I haven't been sending he's anything in weeks so what she sees is very different to what you see, so I don't think what your saying holds true. The only thing I've been thinking of sending is the letter. That's it.

[CMS]

sometimes you just have to sucker punch the hope to jump start your healing, good job. Come on we live in DC, plenty things to do, bars to go to distract us.

[drmcsugar]

sometimes you just have to sucker punch the hope to jump start your healing, good job. Come on we live in DC, plenty things to do, bars to go to distract us.

 

Yeap, feeling relieved but also can't help but being sad, but I suppose that is healthy. After the breakup, I've trekked all over DuPont, Georgetown, Adam Morgan, and U street. Doesn't help that my ex bartends at my favorite Steelers bar in DC. And you know, the city is small; I keep thinking I'd run into him. So I guess, I need a bar that's laid back enough that no one would crowd up but still mainstream and god, easy on the IDing please lol.

[CMS]

Yeap, feeling relieved but also can't help but being sad, but I suppose that is healthy. After the breakup, I've trekked all over DuPont, Georgetown, Adam Morgan, and U street. Doesn't help that my ex bartends at my favorite Steelers bar in DC. And you know, the city is small; I keep thinking I'd run into him. So I guess, I need a bar that's laid back enough that no one would crowd up but still mainstream and god, easy on the IDing please lol.

 

He bartends in pour house? haha havent been back to that bar in years, you steelers fans are everywhere. I personally like them ID me, you will actually want them to ID you when you get closer to 30 than 20 like me. If you find one of those bars that you described within the city, let me know (I know a few like that in Alexandria and Arlington)

[drmcsugar]

He bartends in pour house? haha havent been back to that bar in years, you steelers fans are everywhere. I personally like them ID me, you will actually want them to ID you when you get closer to 30 than 20 like me. If you find one of those bars that you described within the city, let me know (I know a few like that in Alexandria and Arlington)

 

Haha oh snap; everyone knows the Pourhouse. Talk about awkward now. I haven't even been back to the Eastern Market/Capitol South block since the breakup for 2 months now. Not sure they'd let me in now without him backing me up; everyone knows I'm only 20. But now don't come in and tell him his biatch of an ex-gf has been posting about him on a public forum! I'm actually not a pittsburgh fan, but dating someone who works at a steelers bar for 2 years, you kinda have to convert to become a fan. I'm actually a HUGE Caps fan, if that. I think he also bartends at Lou's bar on U street now, too; saw him log in on foursquare but didn't really ask.

Well, anyhow, I found a cool bar in Adam Morgan that's called MiG. It's kinda small, hard to find, but cheap beer and is full of communist propagandas haha. I haven't been far out to Alexandria lately; I think the furthest I've gone that way is Courthouse/Rosslyn. I'm there pretty much every other day now but still in search for the holy grail around this area.

[Thorshammer]

Yes, things like this actually help more than hurt (imo). It closes the door abruptly, and there is only one way now, and that is to heal. No more pointing the finger at yourself, hes not looking too cute right now either. There are many people who would keep fighting for someone. Use what little you can find about him to finally push away out of sheer disappointment or disgust.