How to TRY to get an ex back...

[Dilikazi]

Chris,

 

A month ago I asked my ex-boyfriend to meet up for coffee. And yes, my intention was to feel him out and see what he thought about us getting back together. We broke up 4 months ago. Breaking up with him was one of my hardest decisions as I still loved him. Still torn up about it... This is not an ego boost attempt on my part in the least. Anyway,

he gave me the "I still have feelings for you but lets just be friends" speech. So now I've turned into the dumpee... There has been no contact between us since that coffee meetup 4 weeks ago. With that attempt blowing up in my face, I'm not sure what my next move should be....

[Dilikazi]

Thorshammer,

 

Maybe you might have some insight on my situation...

 

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend 4 months ago and want him back, but he says let’s just be friends.

 

Background:

We started dating after he had recently been laid off, but was doing some independent consulting to try and make ends meet. He was a great guy with lots of integrity, drive, and shared values when I met him; I wasn't going to let a bad economy influence my decision about him. So we started dating and we supported each other 100% in our individual and shared goals/pursuits. We were really compatible and drama free. Problems started to arise when after months of trying to find secure employment in his field, he got depressed, discouraged, and started slacking. Despite his situation, he was always extremely sweet, loving, and attentive towards me; as I was to him. And even though he was often broke, he never asked for or accepted assistance from me. Up to this point I was happily dedicated to helping him look for a job (introducing him to friends in the field, sharing leads, editing his resume, etc), but when I saw that he was starting to slack off and lose direction, I began to feel insecure about where our relationship was heading. I never directly told him how I was feeling because I didn't want to complete crush his ego by introducing the thought that his girlfriend was losing confidence in him. So I pretty much just remained supportive, warm, and loving hoping that his bad luck and circumstances would turn around soon. Unfortunately, my not being open with him about my negative feelings lead to the development of resentment… I did not know if his "slump" would last for a few weeks, a few months, or a few years.... After a year of dating, I asked him what his plan was for his life and where he saw us going. He confessed that he'd been feeling lost and discouraged on the career front, and as a man he felt broken having in a way lost a sense of purpose. Because of that, he did not specify his intentions for our future, because he did not have any plan for his own future.

 

I only seriously date guys that I would consider marrying. While I have a good career and am independent, I am old fashioned and look to my future husband to take charge, be a leader and provider. A man without a plan, was the deal breaker for me in this relationship. To make a long story shorter, things got much worse for him before they got better. And in his discouragement I felt like I was the only one putting forth effort. I loved him, but I just couldn’t play the waiting game anymore. His situation was bringing me down emotionally. So I broke up with him….reluctantly. I regretted it immediately but going back on my decision would have put me back in the same depressing situation.

 

To make a long story shorter, I found out 2 months later from a friend that he had buckled down and completely turned his situation around; he got a great job that he was really excited about. I was relieved and thankful to hear that he was doing better. I contacted him briefly to say that I heard about his good fortune and that I was very happy for him. He said thanks and that he was doing really well and really loving life. Of course I was dying to know there was any hope for us yet…. So, a month later I mustered up the courage to try. He said the breakup devastated him although he saw it coming. He even said he still has feelings for me, but was not ready to jump back into a commitment with me. He asked if I was ok with just being friends. That was a month ago and neither of us has contacted each other since. Since then I’ve gone out on a few dates and tried to move on myself, but I still love him; never stopped. Not sure if there is much of a chance of success if I tried to win him back.

 

Any feedback is welcome.

[EgoJoe]

Try harder to prove that you mean it.

[ghengisT]

Thanks for the advice Thor. I think you hit the nail on the head w/ the ..except one.. single & free part. I think we have a salvagable relationship, but I'm not entirely sure which direction to go, or what my next move should be. I was set to buy an engagment ring about 2 wks after the BU (before the BU). I'm now realzing that we weren't ready at 24yrs old, but I thought it was the next step (she talked like that's what she wanted). We're at 1.5 months post BU. She's the type to avoid confrontation at all costs. I'm the opposite facing all of lifes challenges head on. She's obviously reached out to me on a few occasions now. Do you think its my turn to reach out, or should I let it be & see if she comes to me w/ an invite, etc?

 

I've been considering asking her if she wants to take the dog on a walk (something we both enjoyed, good opportunity to talk). Asking too much maybe?

[flatplane]

Try harder to prove that you mean it.

 

How can you do that without coming accross as desperate and needy.

[Thorshammer]

Chris,

 

A month ago I asked my ex-boyfriend to meet up for coffee. And yes, my intention was to feel him out and see what he thought about us getting back together. We broke up 4 months ago. Breaking up with him was one of my hardest decisions as I still loved him. Still torn up about it... This is not an ego boost attempt on my part in the least. Anyway,

he gave me the "I still have feelings for you but lets just be friends" speech. So now I've turned into the dumpee... There has been no contact between us since that coffee meetup 4 weeks ago. With that attempt blowing up in my face, I'm not sure what my next move should be....

 

This is what i did to all my ex's when they tried to come back. I dont know why i put the effort to get them back since when it did work... i didnt want them back, i guess i was chasing validation, or i was acting immature. I posted here somewhere about how the "power" shifts with the phases of a break up- in your case that proved true.

 

Just like i said in that post, the roles change. You are now the dumped, and you have to accept that role and act accordingly.

[Thorshammer]

How can you do that without coming accross as desperate and needy.

 

Wow, besides depression from her, your story mimics our own. I couldnt land a job when i was with her, so i stood in college gathering up credits. I felt pretty down, her constant negative behavior just pushed me down further (she didnt know this, hence why i always preach communication in all my posts outside of this section of the forum). So, i can relate to him a lot, i could even say i was slacking to some point, or left that impression.

 

As for him changing after a BU, thats pretty common. This whole post is about "change" and evolution in yourself, but this is nothing new, people do this without realizing it. People feel down and insecure from being rejected, so they seek improvement, there are many movies out there about a guy who is broken hearted, and ends up being a big-shot because he is chasing away his insecurity (the facebook movie for example, which i believe is based on a true story). I myself was hauling butt sending out resumes as i graduated college, i bulked up 20 lbs of muscle, etc.

 

He is hurt obviously, and even though you "felt" how his behavior wasnt attractive (remember, he was hurt while with you due to the situation), he might feel like you didnt stick by his side when he needed you. I am not basing this on anything besides what I feel only, so dont expect anything deep. But if my ex were to come back, i would think its because i am a better person (regardless of what she says), and that just doesnt seem like something to be proud of (I know i made a post on how to try to get an ex back- but i actually dont agree anyone should get back with someone who dumped them, i just made this post because everyone is negative here, and i have had ex's chasing me that i decided to share). Its sacrifice that i would want, someone by me through thick and thin, i would feel judged if she came back after i had my life together, its just a perspective that i would not be able to shake away. Actually, i would be very bitter and angry. I have an ex playing musical chars with me, i inch in close until a memory sparks up and i bring up what she did, and she ends up vanishing on me for months, to come back with another feeler message- i just cant do it.

 

I think the last thing you should worry about is being desperate or needy. Put yourself in his shoes. You ended it with him, you rejected him, you broke his heart, and now you are worried about showing weak traits to him? Granted, i have had ex's become very blunt to their intentions, and it did nothing, at least i knew it was real.

 

Maintain a friendship with him, but dont pull in anymore (unless you didnt make it clear in your last meeting). You chased a bit in your last conversation, its on the table. If he doesnt take it, then make contact neutral and friendly until he himself shows interest. Also, heal, the tables have turned and now you have to go through the process like many of us did. Right now he is on a "high", his self esteem that was shot is now on over-drive, and he feels better than he was- its possible he might not be grounded yet. But, i wouldnt hold on to hope.

[Thorshammer]

The only part of that whole message that made sense was the single and free part, because she actually did it, lol, she broke up with you. It was her release from you and the constant cycle of negative behavior.

 

The 1.5 month BU is not a lot imo. its up to you to decide if its a good time to ask her out. I would, i would make it very neutral and careless to avoid making it seem like you dont really want to see her and hang out in some desperate last ditch effort, you are in this mess because you were needy and clingy- thats manipulation and weakness, you need to show the exact opposite, and that starts with every and all contact. But, if you "fake until you make it"- it will bite you in the butt in the future, i promise you that. All this has to be real if you want something real from her.

[Dilikazi]

Thor,

 

Thanks so much for the feedback. You've been in a similar situation so I can really appreciate your words on the guy's perspective. I get it. I can see where my ex is coming from. I understand that a guy wants a woman to stand by his side through good and bad. Through the relationship I consciously made efforts to demonstrate that. But the fact that after a year of dating he could not articulate a vision for our future made holding on during the uncertainty very difficult for me... I could't rest securely in our relationship util he declared his intentions. And of course he was in no position to declare his intentions because he still had to get his life together. It was a catch-22.

 

I sometimes catch myself wanting him to see my side of the story, hoping that it would make him more amenable to reconciliation; I also see how foolish/selfish this attitude is. I had the opportunity to voice my concerns and insecurities during our relationship but I didn't. This is my biggest regret. He even told me after the break up that I should have been candid with him about how his circumstances/behavior made me feel... It probably would have brought us closer and help prevent resentful feelings (which lead to me abandoning him at his lowest). I believe better communication could have enabled us to steer through the hard times. So I know for sure that this is something I need to improve on. Lesson learned.

 

I get what you say about not being proud of the fact that your ex only wants you back because you have grown into a better person. Bailing when things get bad and then returning when they are better is cheating the process. We should be ready to accept the whole package. Nobody is perfect, and relationships provide to opportunity for two people to grow together. You inspire each other to become a better person.

 

I'm not worried about showing weakness (that was another poster); I'm just worried about pushing him away even more.

 

My ex is definitely on a "high" right now, and it was really good to see him so happy. I'm sad for myself, but happy for him...

[Puo]

I'll throw my situation into this, because to be honest I'm confused.

 

I had an ex from 3 years ago that pretty much left me for someone else. We had dated for two years, and when the break up happened I was devastated. I tried sticking around for 2 months but ultimately I went NC until December of 2011. I had felt that, after 3 years, it was ok to reconcile. I tried taking her out on a date, but a week after saying yes she told me that she was seeing someone else (not officially) but couldn't do it for fear of hurting me again. I agreed to stay as friends and left it at that.

 

Two months later, the guy she was with pretty much dropped her. She was a mess, and I did what I said I would do - I was a supportive friend. I had accepted at that point that I could be friends with her. Eventually we started to hang out a little more, and one night we got drunk and pretty much revealed to each other how we still had feelings. She told me that she wanted to try again, but was afraid because she didn't want to screw things up (she admitted she made a mistake) and lose me again. I told her I didn't want to get hurt either, and that we should take it slow.

 

Slow was apparently code for fast though, because that night we ended up fooling around (no sex). The next day was rather confusing, and the day after that I asked her to get coffee to clear the air. She said her feelings were still the same (we kept telling each other we loved each other while we fooled around. She was always the first to say it). She was still very apprehensive, and I told her that no matter what I wouldn't run away. Friendship would always be a possibility, because we both care about each other. That day we spent going to parks, getting food, and eventually having sex. It was a very nice weekend, the nicest I had in years.

 

A couple days later, however, she told me she couldn't do it anymore. Things were going too fast. She still had feelings for the other guy, her head was a mess, and she was paranoid that she would screw things up. We again agreed to just be friends (I told her I'm still screwed up from my own break up, which was in December from an ex I dated for 3 years). I told her that I love and care about her, and only want her to be happy. And thats the truth. I love her enough to know that if she needs to be with someone else to be happy, then so be it.

 

Since then we have been hanging out a lot. My heart was hurt by this, but I knew I could power through it. Most of the time she texts me to hang out, I don't do most of the contacting. If friendship is all it has to be, I'll be disappointed but I'll be ok with it. At this point, we're friends. I believe she has gone on a date with a guy since then (its been two-three weeks since we agreed again on friends), and that is her right. On Friday, after a rough day, she noticed that my FB statuses were rather sad and said she would hang out with me. We hung out for a bit, but I went home after a few hours. She then texted me telling me she didn't want me to be sad, and that she loves me, "no matter what the deal is with us", and that she always wants me to be happy.

 

So now I'm confused. And from her actions, I think she may be too. When its more than just me and her hanging out, I try to avoid getting too close to her. Yesterday we went out with a friend to a park, and she sat at a swing. I sat at one 2 places over. She then got up to put her sweater on the side, and then sat next to me. Later we went to dinner, and I figured when we were gonna sit at a booth that she would sit next to her friend (who is a girl) and I would sit by myself. I walked in front of everyone, and she was right up my butt and sat next to me.

 

So I don't know how to handle this. Should I be a good friend, and keep distant? Should I be close? Every situation is different. Ultimately, yes I do want to get back together with her. However, I have no idea if what I'm doing is the best bet, or if I should do something else.

[ghengisT]

Yeah she did the fake up, telling me the feelings not there anymore, but I'm still her best friend & she loves spending time with me. I wasn't going to be friendzoned that easily, so I told her if were taking a break, its for the wrong reasons and I'd rather cut the tie. I made one last ditch effort by having dinner with her, gave her a day card & chocolates since it was the day before. We had a nice dinner, caught her slipping a few times and calling me babe, but I could tell she was a mess about it like I was.

 

In regards to asking her on a date, I'm not sure if that was a typo saying you would? Or wouldn't? I know there's some feelings there for her, my FB pics of me having a good time pissed her off enough to unfriend me (which is a good thing for us both, but I didn't want to look petty & do it first). I also think that me not making a deal about it or her comment glad to see u r moving on fast (didn't respond to either) are working to my benefit. I still can't get her out of my head, which is code for not ready to meet up w/ her. She's missing me too, and its in my nature to chase but I think that will just work against me..

[lanaa]

Thorshammer,and everyone else

 

So me and my ex were talking on fb and we came into the past,he told me i was "interesting,beautiful and a bit weird" when i asked,what does he mean by weird he did not want to explain.This all happened on fb so i could not see his reactions.

 

What do you guys think he wanted with this? how should i take it?

[Thorshammer]

Dilikazi

 

Your situations really does mimic my own. I dont think she saw a future in us, and I would be bs'ing if i said i didnt agree. I also sort of said things she might have found questionable, if she communicated to me her problems, i would have avoided certain jokes, if the end was close, i would have avoided certain arguments.

 

I can only speak for myself, but i would have appreciated a letter to explain why, and i would hope it wasnt because i was damaged-goods and she felt she could get better- and surprise... i am now better and she wants to jump on the bandwagon. I think that would be a good step for my case, as for yours, thats up to you and your history with him (not that i recommend this or not, i wrote this for my case).

 

PUO

 

She doesnt seem like a catch. Shes a cheater, thats her history, plus shes bouncing around her feelings, saying she loves you, then shes saying she doesnt want to hurt you - point being... she is warning you that she has not evolved from who she was.

 

Then, there is the situation with her ex, which could mean she is wanting someone to patch the hole of loneliness, and with her telling you she loves you all of a sudden, then being inconsistent, it does show a lot of flags that lead to that. Plus... she has warned you multiple times.

 

People can be selfish after a BU, regardless if they were dumped or the dumper (looking for rebounds to escape the situation for example)- good people do this because they are running high on emotions and desperation without knowing it, and her profile due to her history fits the role of a selfish person as is.

 

Either leave her be and find someone that wont have a cloud over the relationship, or give her time to either figure herself out and hopefully grow up.

 

GhengisT

 

Yeah, i meant I would as written. Thats because i have huge beachballs and a careless attitude to match, and this is real, not faked as game.

 

Its all on my post about pushing when your ex lost attraction. Its all laid out there if you wish to see my perspective on it.

 

lannaa

 

Lol, lannaa, i dont know. If i were to guess, maybe he was trying to "neg" you. Some men do this to devalue you, in hopes you will chase him for validation.

 

Or, maybe he did that because he wanted a reaction. A "test" to gauge your reaction. You act like you are concerned about that comment, he takes it you still care.

 

As for his intentions, i dont know. He might be trying to attract you, or he needs an ego-boost.

[Dilikazi]

Try harder to prove that you mean it.

 

EgoJoe,

 

Thanks for the advice. It seems like the only choice I have right now is to just be his friend. I'm not sure how to put "try harder" into action without pushing him away... It's been a month since I've tried to get back together with him and we have not had any contact since. I figure that my next move would be to just send a short friendly text that lets him I was thinking of him and wish him well...

[chrisbuilder]

I still stick by my posts. If he left because you pulled too much or lost attraction, i wouldnt even go out to see him until a lot of NC time passes. If you do meet, it has to be all friendly with you being distant and pushing away. And you have to keep in mind, when you meet him, you are meeting a stranger, whatever amount of days/months/years you had means nothing now, you are on day zero between you, he owes you nothing, and his words and actions dont equal the words and actions of him when he was committed to you.

 

Hi Thor,

I've been reading your posts with a lot of interest. I'm the dumped-needy type. Pulled wayyyyy too hard and lost attraction. We broke up two months ago, but were forced to work together after that for two weeks. Haven't seen her for 5 weeks now, and in strict NC for 20 days. We had a LDR so no chance of meetings in the street.

 

In your quote, which applies to me too, what is a lot of NC for you? I suppose you'll say it depends, but are we talking a minimum of three months, half a year, or more or less? The thing is, I'll be near where she lives next month. It's her birthday and I already bought the plane tickets long time ago. She knows I'm coming, but I'll just be using those days to meet a (not mutual) friend, and plan to just send her a friendly but neutral text to wish her for her birthday. But two weeks later, I'll be working for ten days 15 minutes drive from where she lives, and she will probably find out I'm there and might call to meet.

 

So there are two occasions in the near future where there's a chance that she might want to meet, or we might bump into each other. At that time we would have been broken up for about 3 months and a bit, and in NC (if maintained) of almost two months. I've been working a lot to change myself, analyse what I did wrong and become the guy again who she got attracted to. But do you think two months realistically is enough time, even if I have changed, for her to believe the changes?

[Minx2012]

But why even try to get them back? Yes, it's an innate desire to get an ex back ( after you've been dumped ), but what about looking at the other alternative? That you are now single and could perhaps meet someone just as exciting ( if not more )? I understand your point in reclaiming yourself back ( what made your ex fell in love with you in the first place ) but people change. What your ex thought of as "attractive" before may not be "attractive" now. I had an ex who once told me that he fell madly in love with me bc I was such a free spirit when it came to exploring the world. He learned so much from my travels ( I brought him along with me ) and was overwhelmed by it all. After a year, my "carefree, adventurous, world traveling " spirit was too much for him. He saw it as commitment phobia or the inability to settle down. He changed. I didn't. Traveling is an integral part of who I am. It's how I was brought up. It's how I lived. It's how I live now. He dumped me, I wanted him back...but alas, that one factor of your " Time Machine " would not have worked in this case.

 

So the question is, why do we try to get exes back? Is it a sense of fear for the unknown rather than love itself?

[EgoJoe]

The pursuit of rejection retraction, love, attachment and everything in between. Our journeys are just that. I think we all forget that in the heat of the moment.

[crossx]

You can read that and say not to label it as depression? She was depressed before she met me. In hindsight, shes been depressed for the passed year. She would always start crying and she didn't even know why. She told me like she would just be driving, everything would be great but then she'd randomly start crying. She was the one crying during the breakup. She told me she still loved me but needed to be alone, that she was very depressed, confused, guilty, emotionally unavailable and that I deserve better. She pushed me away, and after I treated her so well on V-day. The day after the BU she even said that its hard to get through each day without jumping out of a window. Of course she then demonized me to justify her decisions (afterall, girls make decisions based on emotions and then try to add logic to it later). She brought up stuff I had done 1 and 2 years ago, of course being only able to dwell on the few negativities of our relationship. She has barely talked to her best friend since the BU 5 weeks ago. She seems like shes drifting apart from everybody and is beyond stressed with school. She's all alone up at her school with nobody. She doesn't party or anything, just school and work. She hid smoking 2 packs/week from me and she says it takes her 6 Tylenol PMs at night just to go to sleep.

 

But anyways, I'm pretty sure she has pushed me out of her life. She told her best friend to tell me that we're over for good and to not talk to her (she couldn't even do that herself. She's been trying to let me down easy this whole time). She is incredibly insecure. She is extremely passive and not confrontational at all. She hides from everybody, including herself (which i believe causes her much emotional distress). She thinks she has some kind of personality disorder but idk.

 

But anyways, since it seems like I'm out of her life for good, I've been really on the fence about telling her stepmom about her depression since they have a decent relationship. She needs support, and it obviously can't be from me. She is at an all-time low right now and it'll only get worse before it gets better if she eventually decides to get on ssris/antidepressants. Maybe I am looking WAY too into this....

 

Once school is out, I'm planning on just reaching out to her as a friend. But knowing her, she'll probably just ignore it. Is depression something that you just "snap" out of?

[crossx]

^^oh and a part I don't get is that she said I was too neglectful of her. But weeks prior to the BU, she even thanked me for not texting her/bugging her a lot (like her parents do) so that she can focus on school since shes so stressed about it.

[Thorshammer]

But do you think two months realistically is enough time, even if I have changed, for her to believe the changes?

 

I wouldnt throw around numbers, so with that in mind, i dont know what the ideal amount of time is. Like i said in my older posts, i would assume the longer you were with your ex, the longer the ex should be contacted, the more needy you were- the more time you will need in NC. My ex reached out in 2 months. I had ex's reach out to me in 5 months, one took a year and a half- its all based on the individual, just like getting them back is based on your specific situation only (not everyone will get their ex back).

[Thorshammer]

I have covered this in many of my posts on this post that people can change, even if you capture yourself back. Nothing is promised, though i would question the relationship stability of the person, and the power of the attraction that said ex had to you in the first place, if they can change up their "tastes" so powerfully that they leave you. People do grind their teeth with the flaws of their ex, so yes, they themselves "sell" themselves in an attempt to be with this person (basically, ignoring the flaws, which will explode sooner or later). This has happened to me, thats why i dont recommend people change from who they are, because they will just cycle the same behavior, except the tables have turned (they have effectively BECOME their ex, which will lead to them breaking up with their ex in return in the future- i am sure we have heard similar stories to this).

 

Its not only about returning to you, its improvement of self, which is another huge point to this post (not changing yourself to a person that you are not, which again, is in my first post). A lot of people learn from a break up.

 

But, you cant ignore incompatibility, some people just shouldnt be in a relationship. I know I would not personally bother if i felt i didnt change who i was, and all of a sudden they decided that I was not the ideal for them- as i said in my first post, there is nothing to attempt to analyze it if you want to make an effort to learn or fix, it just is. You cant stabilize instability in someones tastes.

[Thorshammer]

cross, i am not a therapist, and depression is very hard to figure out (in my posts i said if its psychological, then its a whole different situation). No one can stick this advice to their situation, its like putting a square toy in a circle-hole. With my recent ex, it was all confusing.

 

It does seem like your ex had depression. If you care about her, then yes, you can try to be there for her, but your selfishness needs to be checked (this means not trying to get her back or manipulate her). She wants positive energies, she wants to push away anything that causes anxiety or stress, or anything associated with failure, and we might fall into that category (which again makes the point of avoiding trying to pressure her- she WILL look for it). You will need thick skin for this.

 

As for snapping out of it, i dont know. You might want to ask in the health section.

[ghengisT]

I think its an integral feeling of rejection in which we are trying to overcome. Its something hardwired in our emotions & in the RS, its easy to fuel it off emotions instead of logic. I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this, but I can agreen with Minx here. As a saggittarius, I'm a roaming spirit. I yearn for adventure, and have something positive to gain from every relationship & experience I encounter. After my BU, I caught myself "trolling" this thread in search of hope, to rekindle my RS. Since then my emotions have subsided, I'm thinking clearly (I think), and recognizing that my ex really didn't have that much to offer me. She's a wonderful person, who I care deeply for, but...

 

I want to travel, explore the world, while she's content staying in her hometown her entire life. I love the outdoors, she loves the Kardashians (watch it if you wann fry some brain cells). My ability to communicate & motivate others is something to be appreciated, not by her anymore. I grew up & started embracing my world & all it has to offer. My experience with her will always be remembered as one of the best things to ever happen to me. The 2nd best thing was her leaving, and giving me the opportunity to grow into who I want to be. That said, her chapter of my life is closed & I am moving forward (gaining momentum), but I wouldn't be so closed minded to the thought of rekindling something with her in the distant future & the possibility of it being for the long term. But to focus upon reconciliation is to miss the point of what I write.

[Samatha]

I've been reading quite a lot, very lot on here, not only on this thread. It has taken me ot of effort to write now, because so much time has passed and I don't really know where I'm staying now. Long story short:

he broke up with me, after 8 year, for a second time (more than a year ago), being very harsh and, unlike the first time, really cutting me out. We just saw us once since them to exchange things and I went for few month NC. Then changed to LC 4 months ago.

He wrote to me few times, 1. asking only for sex, 2. out of curiosity, 3. always very short, never long chats. He doesn't write often, only to ask how I am, what's going on. We never talk more than 4 or 5 phrases. and only during working days, on weekends he disappears. He always told me he wasn't seeing anyone, although he tried (but failed). I'm seeing someone, nothing officially, and on light terms. Causally this person lives near my ex, so he saw from time to time my car (which he told me... with smileys and all but he seemed curious/jelous), after that he even went "We could catch up a film, if you're not seeing it with your "boy" He asked me quite a few if I was with someone, but I never gave out clear answers.

And now, for someone who told me to meet up, he never ever invited me to his new house, when he sees me online or such, doesn't starts chats. Never on weekends, only on workdays, if he does.

So I don't know... recently I was talking to him of some people of my previous work (they gave me a bad time back then) and he was like "Please spare me that, I went through hell because of you and those persons"... like, he was still mourning about some negative events that happened.

All in one, I don't know how my chances are, though I'm pretty optimistic, of not with the new one, if not with my ex, I will be happy in the near future.

Right now, I'd still choose my ex. But.. though he tells me there's no one else, this not looking out more for me, escaping on weekends etc, makes me feel as though he HAS someone new...

 

So I feel confused.

[Thorshammer]

You have every right to be confused, that behavior does seem questionable, especially with him attempting to get a booty-call out of you. I wouldnt trust him, either he is getting a bit interested with your lack of attention to him and moving on, or he is playing games to feed his ego (like you said, he tried but failed, so hes single by chance, not because he wants to be- so he might be reaching out to fill that void when he needs it).

 

I personally wouldnt give up a new love interest for an ex that isnt trying that hard. But, thats all up to you. I would avoid showing any interest in him until he pulls you in more, he left, he should do the work.