How to TRY to get an ex back...

[EgoJoe]

Backburner treatment and buying time. Cut the ties to this one.

[spinrar]

oh, my ex treated me like a king when she could. She adored me, we always talked 24/7.

 

Its when the bug hits, usually when i do something that another person would shrug, she would twist it into an attack on me, or if she did something i didnt like and i voiced my concern... World war 3 would erupt in my living-room.

 

 

tell it brotha

[Thorshammer]

Thorshammer, i would like to know if your advice applies to a situation where your ex says they supposedly fell out of love you (female dumper, due to fighting on behalf of the dumpee)? What do you do in a situation like this? Im still not sure to this day if her words are 100 % true, as maybe there are some residual feelings left, because her actions have proven otherwise many times, even coming close to a reconcilation where I feel I may have screwed up the chance. Maybe its confusion, who knows?

 

No one can define love to a particular person. We all might give different answers if asked.

 

The way i see it;

 

Love + attraction = the ingredients for a relationship.

Love with no attraction - still in love, but no attraction, missing that part of the formula.

Attraction with no love= you both just started, or you are messing around.

 

Pretty simple. I personally dont believe people fall out of love with someone they are still attracted to (think about it, attraction is attachment, they are drawn to you due to some form of attraction, and btw it doesnt have to be physical, its a lot deeper than that, hence why returning to who you are is important, because any change in you, might have played a part in what "fell off" in our little formula).

 

But why would they even THINK about reconciliation if like they say, they dont have any feelings for you? Have you ever had an ex personally tell you that and come back wanting to try again after following this advice?

 

I had an ex fall out of love for me. I could have had her back, she broke nc, she got jealous, she chased (i actually got caught trying to talk to her sister behind her back when she tried to re-connect to me, ooooops... )

 

If their words are actually true, then why would they return? Wouldn't it be due to loneliness, familiarity, comfort, or jealousy/the fear of losing you to someone else?

 

Yes, i believe i wrote this all out in the first post. I dont believe the love vanishes, its the attraction that takes a hit. They might reach out when they THINK they might be interested, and fall right back into realizing they really arent interested. Or, they really miss you... its not impossible to want someone in your life who meant something to you... but not in the way YOU want. It can be anything, and it would be hard to try to make sense of what someone else might be thinking.

 

Im not sure whether to follow this advice or go strict NC, because either one can have a different outcome depending on how she truly feels about me, as in, if she really fell out of love, then I would have to re-attract her using your method, or if shes confused about her feelings, to go NC, leave her alone, let her see life without me, and let her sort out what she wants and what she really feels.

 

Think of this method as healing and improvement, everything else is optional depending on the situation.

 

I have a thread posted which explains my entire situation, to give you a better idea maybe? We broke up due to me pushing away by fighting, being jealous and insecure, as well as boredom where I didnt work on keeping the sparks and excitement going. After which, I started to pull during the entire length of the breakup, controlling my temper, trusting her, and spending more time doing new things together. So now i'm thinking to maybe push away again, I have no idea how to proceed.

 

Well, i was confused with my situation too. I couldnt help myself, i doubt i could help you. Nothing is that easy and laid out for us. Your story actually sounds a lot like mine.

 

But, keep in mind, jealousy and insecurity is a different animal. Its not so much neglect. I dont know the details, but keep in mind insecurity and jealousy can be a form of pulling in as well (depends on the situation, i wasnt there).

[pc12908]

thanks a lot for the response thorshammer. i guess i can only keep working on myself like you said, and whatever else happens will be a bonus for me. i think im going to stay in LC and see what happens from there. i still dont know which category we fall into, since, based on your words, there is a little bit of both from what i see and feel from her. in my case, it looks like i may have to push away again, since during the entire span of the breakup i have done enough pulling (maybe a little too much actually, we have been "friends" in her words) to make up for all the pushing i did in the few months before the split, and this gave her plenty of time to see the new me. because right now, it looks like she became used to the idea of me being around all the time and being there for her no matter what. i would also like to know, if you feel that attraction=attachment, how would pushing away bring about attraction, and therefore, attachment? if i am to be distant from her (be detached, not initiate contact but return it, cut convos short,etc), wouldn't that be the opposite of attachment?

 

i would like to add that it has been 14 months since the breakup, and that i am her first and only, both emotionally and sexually/physically. she was very young when we first met and still is (she is 18, i am 22),and has not been seeing anyone else since the split. our familes are also extremely close, if any of this makes a difference in the least bit.

[Lightning87]

I want my ex back and I did NC for 9 days. On the 10th day he starts calling and texting and when I finally spoke to him, he said it was about something that could have been said by text/e-mail. We spoke for a while and that was that. He texts the other day with his new number but I didn't reply. He text this morning asking if I was still ok to meet up this week. I text back saying I was busy but could next week to drop his stuff off.

 

I don't know what he is playing at. I don't know why he felt he had to call me 3 times and text 3 times when I didn't reply straight away. He also said he presumed I was on a date since I didn't get back to him and said he wouldn't go to a club I was going to on Sunday as he didn't want to make things awkward for me if I wanted to chat to guys???

 

I don't know what to make of this...

[flatplane]

Depends what you want? The fact he's reaching out means he's probably testing the waters to see if you're still interested.....

[Donovan79]

So the "love plus attraction" formula definitely works, but it's important for everyone here to keep in mind that both sides of this sum can be dramatically affected by outside factors. If you have a girl that seems to be nuts about you for awhile, but then suddenly she just *changes*, either the love, the attraction, both, or even just her tone diminished, I'm going to guarantee you nine times out of ten it's because an ex (replacement love) or new guy (replacement attraction) entered the picture.

 

Be very, very careful when they want you back. As my own story (see crazy long recent post) shows, it may be that when they want you back, it's because they're still nuts about you and it's all going to work out great. Or it may be that they're just using you to manipulate someone else.

[Thorshammer]

thanks a lot for the response thorshammer. i guess i can only keep working on myself like you said, and whatever else happens will be a bonus for me.

 

For your own sanity and healing... this has to be priority. This should be done by all, honestly, its only the desperate, or (what i believe) is the most experienced person who can pull off anything (not because they might have a better chance, but because they have a higher chance of going at it without it ruining their healing).

 

i think im going to stay in LC and see what happens from there. i still dont know which category we fall into, since, based on your words, there is a little bit of both from what i see and feel from her. in my case, it looks like i may have to push away again, since during the entire span of the breakup i have done enough pulling (maybe a little too much actually, we have been "friends" in her words) to make up for all the pushing i did in the few months before the split, and this gave her plenty of time to see the new me. because right now, it looks like she became used to the idea of me being around all the time and being there for her no matter what. i would also like to know, if you feel that attraction=attachment, how would pushing away bring about attraction, and therefore, attachment? if i am to be distant from her (be detached, not initiate contact but return it, cut convos short,etc), wouldn't that be the opposite of attachment?

 

When you do see your ex for a few days, you dont long for her? Distance makes the heart grown fonder (and other stupid cliches). Its about MISSING the person, its about not having them there (example, one side chases during a fight because of the gap in attention- you yourself probably had an increase in attraction after she left... because... you dont have her, and you miss her). One of the best ways to spark a relationship is usually time apart. And if you need further proof, smothering and neediness kills attraction, we now know that is the opposite of what we are discussing, so its reasonable that this might have an opposite effect.

 

You are young, at your age i didnt understand it either (but trust me, i kept falling for it). Now, there is an individual factor also, not everyone is a robot, so not everyone has the same reaction. So keep that in mind.

 

i would like to add that it has been 14 months since the breakup, and that i am her first and only, both emotionally and sexually/physically. she was very young when we first met and still is (she is 18, i am 22),and has not been seeing anyone else since the split. our familes are also extremely close, if any of this makes a difference in the least bit.

 

So you had LC for 14 months and got nowhere... you have agreed to the friendship, thats what you have. If you want more, continuing LC is not it, LC is your steps to the same level, and if you keep climbing them, you will keep getting the same results. But keep in mind, if this fails... you might lose a friend.

[Thorshammer]

It means your NC is making him interested. All of a sudden the girl he sacrificed seems important, more important than him. Everything he sends is a feeler message. Analyze what went wrong between you two, see if you can find something there that can shine more light into his personality.

[Thorshammer]

So the "love plus attraction" formula definitely works, but it's important for everyone here to keep in mind that both sides of this sum can be dramatically affected by outside factors. If you have a girl that seems to be nuts about you for awhile, but then suddenly she just *changes*, either the love, the attraction, both, or even just her tone diminished, I'm going to guarantee you nine times out of ten it's because an ex (replacement love) or new guy (replacement attraction) entered the picture.

 

Be very, very careful when they want you back. As my own story (see crazy long recent post) shows, it may be that when they want you back, it's because they're still nuts about you and it's all going to work out great. Or it may be that they're just using you to manipulate someone else.

 

I guarantee you 10 times out of 10, she started looking around because the attraction to you took a hit (otherwise why would she look around??? Did YOU look around??? I knew what i had at home, she still had me attracted to her). And if I am wrong... then guess what... she has bigger issues that would prevent a healthy relationship anyway (greed, commitment issues, depression or other unstable thought pattern)- no need to read this post, close the browser, thats not worth fighting for... not even worth discussing. That doesnt exist in my world, because i go to option B, dont give an f and move on. By the way, unless i am wrong, this is already covered in my first post.

[pc12908]

I never actually agreed to be her friend per se, as thats not what I wanted then and it's not what I want now ( I couldnt be friends with her when I still love her, as she never gave me a reason to stop). I was actually trying to apply the pull factor in my case, and I think I may have taken it too far. In her eyes, I became a pad of comfort; I always tended to her every need, took her out to new places we haven't been, brought about some excitement in our lives, and was pretty much the one who initiated everything (I always called her asking to hang out, meet up, or whatever the case was). I thought I was doing the right thing and making all the right steps since I was neglectful before, and tried to make it up by doing the opposite. I guess she became too comfortable with the idea. Or, as I like to think, boyfriend/girlfriend without the label. She would still cook for me, be nurturing if I ever got hurt, and express all the qualities of a lover (because my real female friends aren't like this with me). Yet, she still refused to accept that we still have something one way or another.

 

There came a point I had drifted away from her prior to Christmas, and started chatting with a girl I met over the summer when we both went our separate ways for vacation and didnt see each other for 1.5 months. Upon her learning of this, she cried when she found out. But, not in the fake,crocodile tear, blubbering and attention seeking sort of way. Rather, genuine tears and expression of hurt, as she actually tried to hide her emotions and not let me see her cry. During which time, she seriously considered coming back together with me. So, I started pulling again, and opened up to her too much, cut off contact with the other one for her own benefit and let her know this. This again happened on another occasion couple weeks after where I visited the city she was staying in (Brooklyn, matter of fact. I grew up here before moving to FL), and after seeing her pine over me and asking whether I hooked up or got physical with this girl, I once again assured her nothing was going on, and broke the attraction by showing her that I was waiting for her upon my return. And on both occasions, things reverted to how they were: her not being able to come to a decision on us

 

Once again, I am here in NYC. Took 2 months away from Florida to start my healing, distance and my no contact process with her. However, this time, I will grow a pair and not fall victim to her advances. I'll let the Facebook pictures tell the whole story. Funny thing is, since I told her shortly before I left I no longer wish to keep this bs going, she has been dying to talk to me, always looking for a way to get in touch, calling me by my pet name even lol. I will let a lot of time go by before responding to her contact, so I have time to recover, and she has enough time to experience her life without me. The two months we didnt see each other in '11, she was still pretty mad at me for the breakup, but since then she has had plenty of time to see my changes. So maybe this time, the time apart will knock some sense into her as she is still emotionally attached to me. But like you said, my priorities come first, and anything after is a bonus. Even then, I cant let my guard down for the risk of things reverting to before.

 

Another thing thats on my mind, she grew up in a household where her parents would fight a lot because of her father cheating on her mother many times, and she even told me how her mother decided to give her father a second chance, and he blew it by leaving her mother for her mother's best friend. Do you think this is affecting her decision on us? If this is a factor she is thinking about, I wonder if distance would make her compare my actions to her fathers and push me away from her, rather than sticking around with her and being there for her.

[Mariana345]

I have a tough one.

 

We were fighting a lot the last months. (So, aproach with NC)

But we also didn't talk to much at night. We didn't have to much to talk. (So... need contact)

 

He told me he has resentments for the fights in our entire relationship. (not sure if he wants NC or I need to try fix them...)

He said he didn't feel the same anymore. He wanted to see if he can miss me again (so, NC)

 

He also said that I don't need him. That I'm strong. (So... needs me to be needy?)

That we were so different, our dreams are different (well, mine, he has no dreams... he can't reach my dreams? But I only dream about my career, not him)

 

He said that the love wasn't enough (so... I guess I need to do something about it?)

I think he dated someone the day BEFORE he brokeup with me (definetly NC!!! But I still miss him and love him like a stupid...)

 

He reconected with this female friend of his which we had problems before as she likes him... ¬¬ And also I was having problems with his other friends, most of it beacuse this female friend... He wanted me to get along with them, I tried but they were mad at me, so, not worked. (I don't know what to do about it. If we don't like each other, we just can't get along... I never tried to separate him from them, he could hang out, but without me. I wonder if getting back together is worth it now...)

 

He also blocked me from facebook, and never contacted me since the BU, 2 months ago and be out, partying and I think dating, but don't know that last for sure.

 

I think I want him back (don't know why now that I read all of this... but still) But I don't know what to do. I haven't contacted him, just to ask for my stuff and met for that purpose (he seem be waiting me want to talk, but I just took my stuff, thanked him, said goodbye and left)

 

I don't know why he fall in love with me... He said just because... so, never really understand. But yes, I changed a lot due to the fights and the problems with his friends ( I have to say I become jealous, but that stopped years ago, and a little controlling... maybe bored of the RS [really, why do I still want him? just miss him so much...]and kind of frustated). Ok, I understand we needed to break up...

[Thorshammer]

Your post is all over the place. Its like ice and fire. You need to find out what the main-issues were before you can even attempt to figure any of this out.

[Tearsbegone]

Reading through this is good. However...

my ex feels that we were never "meant to be" or a "match". That he had lost physical attraction along with love. That we are simply meant to be friends and nothing more. He has made it clear that our personalities and "world views" do not mesh and throughout our 11 year relationship he changed, I changed and what I am and what he is is not something he wants to be in a relationship. Most of what he says I strongly disagree with, but he seems quite determined we will never be.

 

So with this info would the "tactics" you wrote of even apply or is this one simply over?

[Redtide]

I am reattempting no contact with my ex. He told me the night he dumped me that he didn't want to dump me, and that I need to learn to be happy without him, which I'm trying to be. He also told me about a week later that he misses me and loves me but he does not love me the same way, and it's too soon to know what is going to happen down the line. I think NC is best, but what do you think? We were best friends and lived together for years...

[Thorshammer]

Upping for new posters if interested... note i dont answer any private messages about getting an ex back. Page 2 and 3 and page 41 has other stuff that might help on this thread.

[Gaval]

7 Years with the girl I was with here. Been apart for 4 months with 3 of those months still living together, only 1 month officially moved out. Those 3 months there were a lot of good times and some times where the relationship was brought up. She has told me she would like to feel how things were again but can't force it so she wants it to come naturally, also said that she has thought about still moving to a new place together.. that was a few months ago but there were things that were done and talked about that made her angry and say it'll never happen anymore. Knowing girls they say things they don't mean when they're angry so I didn't take it too harshly.

 

Anyways in the 3 months living together there were times we kissed, etc. and she liked it but her mind told her to not do it. Lately in the past month we've been out separately she contacts me usually a few times a day just sharing things or just to ask my opinion about decorations, etc. I don't initiate the contact and lately I feel as if her texts are a bit more towards the flirty side.. not dull answers but it feels as if it's starting to get a little bit friendlier and fun. We did go out of town one day and she kept saying how much fun it was that day. The other day we went to the park and I thought I'd pack a picnic and she said "You've never done this before" and we enjoyed ourselves but at one point I tried to get closer and be really touchy but she didn't seem to like that.. It wasn't like she was disgusted and ran away but she just asked, "What are you doing?" basically telling me this isn't right. After that though she had fun and still joked around. She wanted to take my out for my birthday too so we're going to have dinner. I feel like it's slightly progressing but that little moment I had where she was kinda pushing me away had me second guessing myself. Is it because I'm moving too fast and should slow down a bit? I just wanted to test the waters to see if there was any progress.

 

The reason she called it off was because I wasn't affectionate enough, I lost it and became too comfortable because I tried to focus too much on school without putting much time for her. I regret this and I know I was wrong, I've been working on managing time and bettering myself. I'm trying to show her that I can be affectionate and compliment her, surprise her with something she wanted to buy but didn't want to spend the money, doing the picnic was surprising and I remember she always mentioned that.. We did do that before but we both planned it.. I thought it'll be nice for me to do it myself.

[Thorshammer]

Did you read the post at all? Its a laid out, as far as my opinion and experience goes. Its all there, i cant repeat everything i wrote. Page reads about what to do according to the reason for your break up, page 2 on the bottom talks about what happens when you are in post break up

 

I can say that it seems she wants a friendship, and you are going along with it. Read page 4;

 

 

 

She doesnt want to be intimate with you- and when someone doesnt want to be intimate with you.. then what does that mean??? They arent attracted anymore. She is holding on to comfort and familiarity that you both had, but no the initmacy and love.. and the sad thing is that you are allowing her to keep it... but keep it as a friendship. Yes, it is a risk to go NC (no contact), and that decision lies only on you and your specific situation- nothing is 100% bro, i as well as everything i wrote can be completely wrong in your situation, but this is my 2 cents from what i experienced, and from the endless hours of reading books on relationships.

[Thorshammer]

another post of mines if interested

[Thorshammer]

Also, i will add, from things i have read, and from breaking up with people. The break up is easier when you still have them around, its as if they use you to make their loneliness and decision easier, until you both slip into friendship with no conflict or doubt. There is no missing you, no wondering what you are doing, no "has he changed, is he with someone", no lonely nights for her, no "how is life without you", if you are always available and waiting on them like a puppy.

 

Also, think about attraction, its pulling them in, you dont pull them in when you push and force yourself toward them (push doesnt lead to pull after a breakup). No attraction is built, and considering that she doesnt want to be intimate is a clear sign that attraction has/is suffering.

[Gaval]

I did read the first post and just thought I'd ask for extra advice.. With past relationships to rekindle your feelings and love for each other don't you have to start as friends again and slowly work towards that relationship? Not just jumping into it immediately?

 

I get what you're saying about attraction and the only way to build up that is actually time apart. Then when she does see me it'll be that spark. However if the reason we broke up was because my lost in efforts and affection, shouldn't it be the opposite like your post says? Shouldn't I try to get her back instead of no contact? In the beginning she was attracted to me by the things I did.. How much love I showed her.

[Thorshammer]

She didnt break up with you overnight, though it might feel that way, a breakup is planned/predetermined. We already in a friendship status when she was weighing her options before the break, we just didnt know it. I am sure she respected what she had with you to think if it out thoroughly first before she pulled the trigger, and during that phase- she was seeing you in a completely different light. She might have BEEN at that point- what you think she is NOW.

 

She probably still has love for you, but a different kind of love, its the love of comfort and familiarity- and thats what she cant let go of. So she keeps it as a friend, to help keep that alive long enough to push away the hurt (they also feel hurt).

 

In my post it says there are two reason for the break-up, if you werent the needy pulling in, then you were the one pushing away. Its all in my first post, if you pushed away (as in neglect), then i laid out my own personal advice for that.

 

 

 

But, make sure it was you pushing away, and not you BELIEVING that you were pushing away. Most people who are broken up with believe they were pushing away, they dont understand it was them pulling in too much (staying at home all the time with her, letting themselves go, putting them above everything else, changing their behavior which yells to them that you are getting too comfortable.. aka giving up) and when its not the case, it just builds a further foundation towards being broke up with.

 

Key thing is to also heal. And you seriously stunt your healing by keeping her in the picture, and it helps her heal as well... which is not really what you want, because once she heals, shes gone, or so deep int he frienshipzone that she doesnt see you in that way. So if you think you were the one pushing, then make sure - and if you are-- then its a balancing act as i wrote in the quote above.

[Fredd]

Those "programs" about how to get your ex back are interesting BUT the point is... I can work on myself, of course I can, but what if HE DOESN'T WORK on himself?

 

As one of our problems was that he was cold and I was needy, as a consequence.

And so probably he got bored and I got anxious and all this kind of stuff.

 

So to make our relationship working, in a future, I should be more relaxed and he should be more affectionate, right?

 

But if he's always the same, what's the point in trying to getting him back?

I can try to be relaxed, I can try not to be needy, I can be as independent as possible... but if he still doesn't love me the way I need to be loved to feel good, than at some point everything will start again.

 

What I think is that there shouldn't be one trying to get the other one back... but two people "meeting again" and finding they are changed, both of them, and there's a possibility to try again.

If this doesn't happen - and just God or whatever can say if it's going to happen - then you can get the ex back, of course, but how are you going to make the relationship work?

[Gaval]

You're right it's been quite a while that she's been feeling like that but to me I thought we had a different understanding.. Unfortunately I ignored it which led to this. Stupid of me because that's not what I wanted at all. Are you saying getting too comfortable is a part of pulling in? From what I read I was unsure of the part where you said staying at home all the time with her, letting themselves go, etc. is part of pulling or pushing? I felt like I pushed her away with neglect and not listening to what she had to say, not focusing on our relationship.

[Thorshammer]

Those "programs" about how to get your ex back are interesting BUT the point is... I can work on myself, of course I can, but what if HE DOESN'T WORK on himself?

 

 

Why even try? I dont see anything in this post that would even welcome a try to attempt to let alone attract them back... but date someone like that. You shouldnt be doing anything.. it should be him

 

As one of our problems was that he was cold and I was needy, as a consequence.

And so probably he got bored and I got anxious and all this kind of stuff.

 

So to make our relationship working, in a future, I should be more relaxed and he should be more affectionate, right?

 

Yes, for re-attraction, but why bother? This will just interest him, maybe hit is insecurity of being alone, but he will go right back to who he was. Like i said in my break-up, she had depression... no matter what i did, the outcome can still be the same.

 

But if he's always the same, what's the point in trying to getting him back?

I can try to be relaxed, I can try not to be needy, I can be as independent as possible... but if he still doesn't love me the way I need to be loved to feel good, than at some point everything will start again.

 

You are right, there is none. I wouldnt even be on this site, nor reading this post if i felt what you felt. I pointed out on this thread that the person has to be worth it, and some people might not be- and for those, they should seek advice elsewhere- its actually in the post...

 

What I think is that there shouldn't be one trying to get the other one back... but two people "meeting again" and finding they are changed, both of them, and there's a possibility to try again.

If this doesn't happen - and just God or whatever can say if it's going to happen - then you can get the ex back, of course, but how are you going to make the relationship work?

 

 

If you read the post, the main focus is about getting YOU back, and finding out about what went wrong- and reparing that behavior for the future, either for yourself and your closure, for a future partner, or for that person- if they were to contact again- its not about controlling them, i even stated some will be at fault themselves and there is nothing you can do. There is no real tactic, you do no contact until they contact - thats if you pulled in too much, and from then on its you displaying your changes, but it being real, not forced.

 

There are certain people that should skip this advice entirely, one being those who were cheated on, abused, depressed etc. But i dont see a reason to even try if you are with a partner who doesnt deserve anymore attention- i figured that was a given, especially since the faults on them, and they will sabotage things now or later.