How to TRY to get an ex back...

[EgoJoe]

You have every right to be confused, that behavior does seem questionable, especially with him attempting to get a booty-call out of you. I wouldnt trust him, either he is getting a bit interested with your lack of attention to him and moving on, or he is playing games to feed his ego (like you said, he tried but failed, so hes single by chance, not because he wants to be- so he might be reaching out to fill that void when he needs it).

 

I personally wouldnt give up a new love interest for an ex that isnt trying that hard. But, thats all up to you. I would avoid showing any interest in him until he pulls you in more, he left, he should do the work.

 

Quoting just to reiterate. Glad to see you're still preaching the good word, Thor.

[Samatha]

Sure, I don't trust, but how can I go on from this? Going on LC or NC? telling him something straight forward? makinghim notice I'm not his puppy?

I mean how can I make him notice, that I'm not and won't be waiting for him to realise what he wants...

[EgoJoe]

Samatha: You can not make anybody realize, think or feel anything. You can invite them to draw their own conclusions. Even your own feelings are but reactions that stem from an investment.

 

You can invite him to realize that you're not a sick, sad and pathetic puppy by not being that way. Whether he eventually comes to the realization or not is his own decision. Go forth and live. For now, possibly forever, he is Chinatown.

[Samatha]

That's true, for now untl he decided to chat again with me, it was a pull push situation: if I looked for him, he was absent... if he was the one looking for me, the one who reacted distant was me.. so, don't know.

with my questions it was more the questions of "shall I go on with NC, NIC or LC or answering just if he calls/texts me?".

Either way, I'm so much better at this point of my life, than I ever was. The ironic thing, is that he is not even in my life.

[rocky1399]

what do u do if u pushed her and pulled her a little bit

[tomato]

you said I should get back to you when she breaks NC thats whay I was saying hi! I have implemented what you have suggested and I was looking my best since we started going out (better) and she could tell I have changed back to then totally changed. We spent the whole day together though and I think that put us in more the friend zone rather than the bf/gf dating zone - from now on only evenings!

 

I just spent the whole day with my ex walking around parks etc just chilling and being quite friendly, I realised my mistake last time we met was me pulling too hard and telling her I didnt want to be just friends -SO - this time I totallly played that card on her - I told her I just saw her as a friend a sister even, then she asked me loads about other girls I've been seeing I prob told her a little too much. It was really quite obvious she was attracted to me (I was looking good and have been working out) and she even brought up the fact that I have a really big **** lol it wasnt fully serious about it etc but still - pretty good? She also cooked me a meal at the end of the day that almost made me crack - I told her I missed this she said she did aswell. BIG NO NO was that I said we could watch a film but she didnt want to because she knew she'd get too cosy..... so that was the first sign of me pulling too much I think - she knew where that was going and aborted it.

 

SHe also said some stuff about marriage? Like she hoped a coded message I'd sent her while we were going out was a proposal and shed kill herself if she'd missedit! and that she just wanted to marry and have kids and that I never took it seriously.

 

How would you guys progress with this? I've NC since the day....I happen to know she gets lonely sometimes cause she feels she has nobody as close to ehr as me.

 

How should I run game next time? Full on teasing I take it then maybe bring up great sex we had - should I let us talk about sex with others - how it isnt as good without the connection? I tried a bit of kino but she seemed uncomfortable with it (hand on back of neck gently stroking - subtle uncomfortable signals I felt?). Do you think anything remotely romantic would be a big no here?

[Zain]

thor,

I'm deciding to go nc as chasing a bit just dragged on. what's something to say before going into nc? anyone feel free to chime in as well.

[markie6]

If they are used to you chasing, then don't , vanish .. poof .... like a fart in the wind

[Zain]

If they are used to you chasing, then don't , vanish .. poof .... like a fart in the wind

so vanish without saying anything?

[markie6]

Go back to 1st page , work out if you were a pusher or a puller etc, i have no idea which you were , but as I suspect you were chasing after the breakup .. she broke up with you ? then you need to step away but I suggest re reading the first page

[flatplane]

Go back to 1st page , work out if you were a pusher or a puller etc, i have no idea which you were , but as I suspect you were chasing after the breakup .. she broke up with you ? then you need to step away but I suggest re reading the first page

 

This. I was a pusher, she left, I made a few attempts to get her back including asking her to marry me, she still wanted to just be friends and is now with someone else. I've gone into NC now and shall remain so.

[Zain]

This. I was a pusher, she left, I made a few attempts to get her back including asking her to marry me, she still wanted to just be friends and is now with someone else. I've gone into NC now and shall remain so.

 

I'm a bit of both, pusher due to insecurities. then got clingy and needy

[Thorshammer]

This. I was a pusher, she left, I made a few attempts to get her back including asking her to marry me, she still wanted to just be friends and is now with someone else. I've gone into NC now and shall remain so.

 

Two pulls dont make a right. We go into panic mode and think more is better because we still believe its a mistake, or something we did, we cant accept the sudden 0 to 60 mphs because we run high on emotions at this time, its when you have to sit back and let logic kick in. For some of us, we will realize that more pulling in will do nothing but continue the behavior that turned them off. It really is like walking a tight-rope not only in a situation like this, but in all human interaction, we need to balance things out, never lean to far unless you know you have titled too much on one side. Balance is healthy.

[Thorshammer]

Zane, like another poster said, its all on the first page. That advice is what i did to get some of my ex's re-interested, and some stuff thrown in from all those books that target broken hearts who want their ex back (though some do explain a bit about relationship dynamics, they all tend to be the same, some of it matched up with my experience, other stuff is questionable).

 

I would only mention going NC if you pushed her away during the relationship, and you vanishing would just build a further case to your distance and uncommitted behavior to her.

 

And guys, its;

neglect needy/clingy

the ends are the most extreme negative behaviors that need to be avoided. If you notice, when someone tilts to one side, the other partner tries to compensate with more of the opposite. You push away because you are insecure, she might start pulling you in - for example. I never really seen too many successful relationships where both are on both sides (like both being needy or neglectful), in more experienced couples i see a balance, or somewhere close or with both changing behavior to the situation.

 

Just know, that the extreme behaviors are bad behavioral traits. Something in your brain is not ticking right (usually some form of insecurity), find the root of the problem (if you do this, you might leave this breakup with more insight, and might even value this more than getting them back).

[EgoJoe]

Quoting just to reiterate!!!

 

Also, if you were "needy" just start seeing other Women as soon as you heal. Learn to play hot and cold like your life depends on it.

[Zain]

I'm still confused as to what category i fall under sorry. as i mentioned before. I was fine and balanced before. circumstances happened where I was left insecure which of course led to accusations and the whole mess that comes with it. Then I became needy and clingy as we started to fall apart from the accusations. maybe you guys can help me figure that part out so I can figure out which route to take.

[Thorshammer]

zane, its how she saw it. This whole forum is full of what people "think" happened. If your insecurity caused you to be jealous, then thats another form of neediness/clinginess, its you making an attempt to control. Being needy is an attempt at control, though people believe its them being cute. Pushing away is; not valuing her, ignoring her, cheating, hanging out with friends, neglecting her sexually and mentally, etc. Its you not investing time and effort into them.

 

Being insecure and resorting to jealousy, control, anger, sadness- will usually lead to neediness and desperation as their partner is pushed away and you try to fill the gap. This is all weak emotional I NEED behavior. Also, you need to think of what behavior you displayed before the break up (not the behavior you displayed after- though it does play the part and can bury you further- its not the reason).

 

The safest thing to do is to fix your issues. You know them, so reverse them, as written on my first post. Even if its not for your ex, it has to be for someone else, or you will keep cycling through different women. This includes being consistent in your behavior, and controlling your emotions, and allowing your logic to take over.

[Zain]

I get it now, thanks for putting it into perspective.

[Samatha]

well in my case, I was for a time pushing, and for a time pulling.. so...

right now, he's again talking about doing sex, or about that topic, always referring to the past as "you know how I liked you".. like in the past he liked me, now he doesn't...?

nonethelesse, he insists on having sex... but if I say 'let's take a coffee' "no I can't"...

he asks me if I'm seeing someone, and I go "why you ask?", and he responds only "I ask this only out of curiosity, by not telling me anything it intrigues me, but if you're seeing someone I'd like you to tell me straight"...

then he goes like he can't really forget me, or he thinks he won't find someone to like as much as he liked me (again in the past), and he miiiight like to try out again but he must feel sure of it, because it would be the last time we try out, so until he doesn't feel 110% right about it he prefers to not try...

 

...eh?

[EgoJoe]

Play this reallllly cold. Do not put out in this situation. Be approachable, while being affable yet distant.

[Zain]

Sigh, I guess I've really screwed things up for myself to the point where she no longer wants to try, let alone hear from me. I was thinking I was the pusher because of my insecurities and accusations which seemed like neglect being that I said hurtful things. So I ended up chasing and chasing and started to feel like a doormat so I grew impatient. Reality is, my insecurities placed me in the clingy/needy/puller category so I should've gone nc in the first place. Instead, I did the opposite of what I was supposed to do and now I think it's too late for us.

[EgoJoe]

Sigh, I guess I've really screwed things up for myself to the point where she no longer wants to try, let alone hear from me. I was thinking I was the pusher because of my insecurities and accusations which seemed like neglect being that I said hurtful things. So I ended up chasing and chasing and started to feel like a doormat so I grew impatient. Reality is, my insecurities placed me in the clingy/needy/puller category so I should've gone nc in the first place. Instead, I did the opposite of what I was supposed to do and now I think it's too late for us.

 

Easy fix! Stop trying and see other Women. Learn, learn and learn some more.

[Zain]

Easy fix! Stop trying and see other Women. Learn, learn and learn some more.

 

but it's her I want/love

[EgoJoe]

but it's her I want/love

 

She doesn't want you and may not love you anymore. Act accordingly.

[Samatha]

Play this reallllly cold. Do not put out in this situation. Be approachable, while being affable yet distant.

 

trying to... he just said he was ok with seeing us for short like coffe or cinema or a walk, but nothing in his home etc or too intimate, though sex would be ok (.....???). I proposed going to a near city to see a museum, he evaded saying it would feel strange doing a short trip together. I joked saying he was complicated, while he replied "maybe I just don't want to complicate things", while I said "by thinking like that you are already"... and I joked saying that I don't bite for him to be theat feary...

we just stayed in ok to see us this coming or next month for a coffee or movie..

since he's still after a year in the "I'm still hurt, I still remember bad things, I don't know if getting together would be too complicated for us" I don't know what my next moves can be... always joking around isn't easy... especially since he doesn't want to complicate emotivly things, but sex is ok??

I really don't know how to "break" this side of him...