How to TRY to get an ex back...

[4dogs]

 

Leaving something can be easily interpreted as a "anchor" to get her to reach out again. But, i thought the same with an ex - i left an expensive bottle of liquor in her apartment. I could have used that as a reason to see her again, but i never did. She told me she would keep it and give it to me when i asked. It could have been anything from my perspective. If she actually allowed you to borrow something just to borrow, then yes, i would see this as an future conversation starter.

 

 

The difference here is that she went out of her way to give it to me. We hadn't spoken in two days, and THEN she texted me asking if I wanted it. So, she had to go out of her way to come and give it to me. It

s a video game system by the way - something she uses and will actually need back being that it is expensive.

 

 

Its always possible she wants to go on the trip feeling free and carefree and your somber state wont allow it. She wants to cut the link between you so she can enjoy herself. Having no responsibility that she needs to report to is very liberating, and when you are on vacation = liberation is what you are looking for and paying for.

 

 

To add on to this, would you, in my situation, contact her while she is on the trip? Just a hey how are you? Nothing heavy, just fun. Or would you wait for a response? The stupid likes on social media back and forth make it seem like she is trying to make me not forget her while she is away.

 

Furthermore I do know that your past experiences cannot hold as the be all end all for every situation including mine. It is just nice to hear from an outside perspective.

[Lexy83]

Well if you put it that way I like direct opinions.

 

So.. He does the vanishing because he gets angry/upset when we argue, he doesn't do this just with me but with his best friends also. It's his way to avoid saying/doing things he might regret afterwards. Not the best trait, but I kind of got used to that. We argued 4 times and 4 times he booked a holiday right after, to kind of escape I guess. This time it seems like instead of booking a holiday to avoid the matter he rushed into another girl's arms. She is good looking, but I am not really jealous of her and he was definitely rushing too much when he just met her and has since then slowed down to the point that it doesn't seem like they are even dating.

 

I am pretty sure it was my neediness, I finished university and all of a sudden had too much free time whereas he is constantly working. She looks pretty needy and childish to me and I don't think he likes that.. when she posts stuff like that on his wall he just ignores it or if she writes something more stupid he just likes it and that's it (very rarely though).

 

I am obviously not planning to insult her, what happened is not her fault. Plus I feel a bit sorry for her, my ex's friends told him to bring her along a few times (dinner, birthday party etc), but he decided not to. I don't have anything against her, I just think she is way too young. He goes out on his own and I see her around on her own too.

 

I will try to follow your advice, I have already been slowing down the conversation, I haven't replied to his last text in a couple of days... not so much because I wanted him to wait but I was genuinely busy and didn't feel like replying right away anyway.

 

I started talking to him because I felt much better and I felt confident again... and we have friends in common and I didn't want it to be awkward when we met. I am not 100% sure I want him back, some days aI do, some days I don't even think about it because there would be a lot to forgive and forget. Plus I don't really know how I will feel when I see him and how he will feel. I don't want a guy that doesn't want me that's for sure. I will play this little mind game of yours for a while then will see where it takes me

 

Thanks a lot!

[Hdkbl]

I have a rather twisted story.

 

When I was 17, I had my first gf Jennie. She meant the world to me, and I wanted to see her and talk to her every single day. That was 12 years. But one year later, I came to the states and she stayed back home. So it turned into a long distance. I fought for it, but despite of my passionate love for her, she cheated on me without me knowing for 2 years. and we finally broke it off. I thought I was done with her. Losing me destroyed her but I went NC entirely and didn't talk to Jennie for 3 years.

 

During the 2 year long distance, all I could think about was Jennie. I had no interest in other girls what so ever. but a few months after I broke off with Jennie, I met Fiona in college. I was attracted to her instantly and chased her like crazy until she agreed to become my gf. Fiona was 19 back then and coming from a rather conservative family, she didn't want to take the relationship too seriously, but I could tell from time to time that she cared for me. The relationship wasn't very stable, I wasn't sure why. Now I know it was because I was expecting a person in love to exhibit the same kind of behavior I exhibited when I was dating Jeanie. So when Fiona was cold it kind of pushed me away making me to think she wasn't that into me. Maybe that was true. But I had a great friendship with Fiona and we went on dating on and off for 7 years... I was her first bf and only bf for 7 years. During the 7 years, she moved to another city for 2 years, then she moved back, then she moved in with me. We were on and off, mostly me breaking things off. (My friends think I simply got bored, which is partly true, I'll talk about that later). I think I broke it off 3 times. The first 2 times, now looking back, I was rather immature about what love should feel like. I was expecting my relationship with Fiona to be like fire burning like the feeling I had for Jeanie. But I didn't realize we were like that the first year, but after a while, it turned into something rather calm. Not realizing this is another form of love, I broke it off twice thinking she would be better without me and I would be better without her as lovers. After each break up, we would go NC for several months, but couldn't resist coming back to each other after that.

 

Both of us had grown and we decided to take things very seriously the last time we got back together. So we got a dog, she moved in with me and everything was great. (I still didn't realize my immature expectation of what love should feel like) In general life with her is a bless. I was happy and content and she was brave enough to try things out of her comfort zone because I was by her side. I have to admit at this point that breaking off 2 times and getting back together with no real efforts made me take her for granted. But since I was a very good boyfriend, she never complained about it too much.

 

After moving in with me for 6 months, I went back home to see my parents. I had no expectation to see Jeanie and nor had I have much thought of her over the years. I knew deep down she wasn't good for me. But the night I met her, she told me how heart broken she has been all these years over our breakup and every potential bf or bf she's had she compared them to me. I think i was moved and I think I felt that passion burning inside her that clicked with my expectation of what love should feel like. I went over board and cheated on Fiona with Jeanie. Emotionally. I said things I shouldn't have said to Jeanie.

 

On the flight back, I was torn. On the one hand, I couldn't face myself. I never thought I was the kind that would cheat on my gf. I thought it turned out I was not good enough for Fiona. However, Jeanie provided me something that Fiona hasn't been able to provide all these years, that is that intense feeling. And I thought that was love. On the other hand I had to break it off with one of them. It seemed to me that Fiona was just in a much better position to take the breakup. She's got tons of friends and family support and she's quite a catch and would find a boyfriend in no time. Jeanie's position was the entire opposite of Fiona.

 

When I got back, I broke off with Fiona. She was shocked but not so shocked since I've done it before. She told me if we broke off, we'll never see each other again and the break up would be forever. I don't think I really comprehended the meaning of losing Fiona from my life, and agreed to proceed the breakup. She moved out that night.

 

I definitely missed Fiona since I haven't been able to bring myself to get rid of the stuff fiona gave me. I have them in my house and I see them almost everywhere in the house I go. however I carried on my affair with Jeanie. and this has been able to mask my feeling for Fiona. 1 year later, Jeanie visited me in the states and decided to stay to have a real relationship (we never really dated considering I left the country after seeing her for 1 year. and When you were in high school in my country, you couldn't do much real dating) 6 months later, her tourist visa expired and we got married.

 

Looking back, there were signs that this wouldn't work from day one. Jeanie's extremely sensitive and spoiled. She would lose temper in no time and every 2 weeks we would have a major fight that ended up dragging on for 3-4 days. She had money problems too. But despite of all the signs, I married her anyway thinking it would all go away.

 

As it turned out, 8 months after the marriage, I got driven completely nuts and was so depressed about my life that I started seeing a therapist. My family told me that Jeanies' simply not good for me and I should end it as soon as possible and move on. One morning I was just shocked to find out my life has turned from a happy life to something that's so miserable that it's been affecting my work and short term memories. I know I had to get a divorce. After talking with Jeanie for 1.5 months about our issues, she's came to the conclusion that we married for the wrong reason and probably would be better off without each other.

 

Now comes the question whether I should try to get Fiona back. I had the sense that it's a very selfish move and I definitely don't want to hurt her again. So I decided to think it through before even start trying. I talk to my psychatrist about it and have been making progress.

 

1) my NC with Fiona was never long enough to make me realize how much it would hurt when I lose her for real. I always had the sense that she's there and this had made the NC pointless.

2) I had a very wrong expectation of what love should feel like. Because my first love left such traumatic impression on me, I was damaged to even feel love when it's there. So I was always chasing the excitement of falling in love, but numb to the joy of being in love over a long period of time. ( I think this is one of my fundamental flaw that led to let Fiona go)

3) I had turned into a very selfish and self-absorbing person over the years.

4) I was rather cavalier about almost everything in life. All or nothing. So when I felt I wasn't loving Fiona the way I thought I should be, I just let her go thinking she would be better finding someone with a burning passion for her. But in fact, I should've worked on the relationship and worked on myself. Nobody told me what was wrong with me. I had to learn the lesson myself.

5) I didn't appreciate the things Fiona did for me enough. Mostly because I didn't come from a loving family. My parents fight 5 times a day, and it usually involved physical violence. I had no idea what real love looked like.

 

I'll add more later, but I'd like to hear your thoughts. Am I trying to Fiona back for a very selfish reason? of course all love is selfish, and if she's truly better without me, I would be fine letter her go. I really love her, and would like to see her be happy. But I believe I'm really fixing myself this time, and we could really have a future together.

 

I actually learned that she's recently engaged to someone she's been dating for 1 year. They are having the wedding in 1-2 years. My time to get her back is running out, but I want to make sure I want her back for the right reason before even start trying. I don't know how long that would take... I'm really anxious. I'm not entirely sure if she's getting married because she loves that person with all her heart, but she does have the problem of trying to get married before 30 (it's a culture thing I believe). She's 28 this year.

 

I do feel me and Fiona really had something with potential there, something unique. But I just lost it due to my personal problems and youth and inexperience. I'm not giving up on her easily and I'll fight till the day before her wedding. But I want to make sure if I do get her back, I'll never hurt her again. Also I'll need some strategies.... It's been two years and I married the person I cheated with and divorced 9 months later. Will she take me back?

[Thorshammer]

It could be an excuse, or pity, who knows...

 

I would maybe text her and ask her if shes having fun. There is nothing wrong with leaving a simple hi, just keep in mind having a trip after a breakup actually makes it harder for her to come back. A trip is the ultimate freedom, the ultimate separation from life, an the ultimate distraction.

[Thorshammer]

Just keep this thought in your head - if you broke up with someone because they were needy, what would you think if they kept contacting you when you had your new boyfriend? This isnt so much a balancing act, this is you leaning still to the needy side in some peoples eyes, so keep that in mind. If you wont resort to total nc, or to playing games when you do contact (unfortunately- this is how it plays out in my head)- then you might be doing some more damage- the games are necessary to avoid looking even more needy when you dont intend to.

[Thorshammer]

I think you should leave her alone and start fresh with someone else. Dont ruin her happiness anymore. There are more experiences to gain, new women and new personalities to adapt to. You cant have it figured out as to what love is and life is with two women and your therapist. You just havent found it yet.

 

If you want to continue to be selfish, then tell her everything... honesty is the best policy. At least get if off your chest and say your goodbyes.

[Hdkbl]

I think you should leave her alone and start fresh with someone else. Dont ruin her happiness anymore. There are more experiences to gain, new women and new personalities to adapt to. You cant have it figured out as to what love is and life is with two women and your therapist. You just havent found it yet.

 

If you want to continue to be selfish, then tell her everything... honesty is the best policy. At least get if off your chest and say your goodbyes.

 

Thanks for the honest opinion, but I probably won't take the advice. Reason being, and I want everyone on the board to realize this since I didn't realize

 

1. no person can fully understand your situation by reading what you WROTE DOWN in a single post no matter how long the post was. No therapy would work in 1 session. By the same token, you can't describe everything in 1 post and take the advise someone gave you on something so important to you. especially when his advise is in absolute terms. either giving up, or starting a plan to get your ex back.

2. no body knows your better than yourself. Not your parents, not your spouse, not even your closest friends. There would be feelings that you feel ashamed embarrassed to tell them. So they can only base their thoughts based on what you've told them. Same things goes for asking for advice online.

2. When a relationship last so long, there are dozens of layers of problems on both ends. the post was very lengthy, but I chose not to go into details about my 2 years relationship with Jeanie when I was in college. It was discovered during the session today with my psychiatrist that it was the most painful experience and I've chosen to neglect it for almost 10 years. Everytime I would say I'm over it and I've forgiven her. I did forgive her, but I haven't been able to get over it. I was left scared, unwilling unable to commit. Everytime I have the urge to commit to someone 100%, I would do only 50% saving 505 for myself knowing the last time I put my self out there, nothing good came out of it. This explains why I didn't treat Fiona the way she deserved in the beginning, but later on, since she didn't call on me taking her for granted, I just continued doing that.

3. this unresolved issue is the driving factor behind my marriage. I wanted to get married to Jeanie, to show to myself that all the efforts all the tears all the shame and embarrassment did't happen for nothing. Something good came out of it. I married her despite of the bad signs because I wanted things to become right so that I can feel safe and OK to love someone 100% again. Even though my marriage was a failure, something good did come out of all the efforts I put in. My wife's 100% committed to me even after discovering my feelings for Fiona. She told me all these years she's been trying to make it right herself, to get back the one person that loved her the most. So in a way I did win. I won my wife's loyalty after the cheating ended. she' hasn't been able to forget me every since. So something that's good for me did come out of the efforts I put in and all the pains I went through when she was cheating on me.

 

I won't go into more details, because for the 1st time in the last 2 months, I'm actually relieved and happy. I finally explained all the things I did in a way that's consistent with my view of myself, or my friends and family views of myself before I turned 18. They were shocked to find out I've became such a monster in relationships and I can finally explain what happened to me.

 

My psychatrist wants me to sleep on this theory for a few days to see if there are anymore conflicting memories or feelings that weaken the validity of it. but he believes it's a very solid start.

[Hdkbl]

I think you should leave her alone and start fresh with someone else. Dont ruin her happiness anymore. There are more experiences to gain, new women and new personalities to adapt to. You cant have it figured out as to what love is and life is with two women and your therapist. You just havent found it yet.

 

If you want to continue to be selfish, then tell her everything... honesty is the best policy. At least get if off your chest and say your goodbyes.

 

This advice of leaving her alone don't ruin her happiness anymore is based on the assumption that I will definitely break her heart again and I can never change my behavior. Also it's assuming the person she's marring is totally right for her and wouldn't break her heart forever.

 

of course there's the self serving reason to give up, that I don't want to be the person that breaks her heart for the 4th time even though the person she's marrying has just as much chance to hurt her as me.

[Lexy83]

Just keep this thought in your head - if you broke up with someone because they were needy, what would you think if they kept contacting you when you had your new boyfriend? This isnt so much a balancing act, this is you leaning still to the needy side in some peoples eyes, so keep that in mind. If you wont resort to total nc, or to playing games when you do contact (unfortunately- this is how it plays out in my head)- then you might be doing some more damage- the games are necessary to avoid looking even more needy when you dont intend to.

 

Oh I agree with you completely. I know how it can seem and It does worry me and I am being super careful. However, I know I am not needy anymore. When I started dating him I was finishing my university and working almost full time + I have my own flat so lots of work to do. I had barely any free time. Then I finished Uni and my working hours got reduced and I kind of lost it there. But I found my balance now and I am occupied most of the time.

I kept NC for almost 2 months and I know he didn't expect that. The first text I sent him was very short and did not even require a reply. But he replied and wrote about what he was up to etc. We started chatting and then I stopped replying for 2 days. Then yesterday we started texting again and when he was most into it I stopped replying. It was getting late anyway and I will let him wait a bit.

 

The thing is, I am being quite neutral. Like, we talk about something we did and I am like "yeahh good times but he goes on and on talking about it. He is kind of getting flirty I think. He seems like he really is missing our time together.. he told me a secret not many know I think.. he invited me to a mountain with his company, he said maybe we can meet up on top of a hill we used to go to. Nothing big all in all, but his texts are way longer than mine and he looks all excited to be talking to me, we are joking a lot and teasing a bit.

 

DOn't get me wrong, I know this still doesn't mean anything. Especially as long as he is still with her. I don't think he would be talking to me like that if things with her were great. I wouldn't like it if I was in her place. And I will lose respect for him if he will keep doing it. Obviously he will need some time to decide but it's not a game I am willing to play forever. And if it doesn't work out I will move on, I am not putting my life on hold because of him.

[Thorshammer]

Do you really want a guy like that? He has a girl and is inviting his ex out?

 

And what if you fall back into your habits. The single you and the behavior that comes with it might not be the relationship you. Being less needy is a lifestyle, not a trick. If you force it it will be a game that you will be playing forever.

[Lexy83]

Do you really want a guy like that? He has a girl and is inviting his ex out?

 

And what if you fall back into your habits. The single you and the behavior that comes with it might not be the relationship you. Being less needy is a lifestyle, not a trick. If you force it it will be a game that you will be playing forever.

 

As I said, I am not 100% sure I want him. But I was really sure he was the one and he thought I was the one, and when we were together it was all great. Even after a year I would still get goosebumps kissing him and stuff. I feel that maybe we should try again because we were not ourselves towards the end. He had been working double shifts and rarely had even half a day off, he had a lot of stress at work..I, on the other hand, had too much free time all of a sudden and I was nagging him and I know it's the last thing he needed at that time. He is usually a positive person but he was very depressed at that time. And this was not the usual "relationship me". I am 30 and I am not usually needy and insecure. I lived in 3 different countries, I just packed my bags and left on my own, I always did what I wanted to do. I have always been independent, I have my own flat, I pay my bills, I paid my studies... I never NEEDED a man. I've always really LOVED my independence. I had a few relationships before obviously and I have NEVER been jealous, needy or dependent. I have a perfect family and perfect friends so I know my nagging and being needy was circumstantial. I cringe when I think of me a few months back

 

And as I said, I am not planning to play this game for long. The thing is, I can't judge him yet because I don't even know if he is still with her or not or what his plans are. In my mind, his RS was never meant to last.

 

Oh and he didn't really invite me out..he just said I could join them when they go (with his friends). Although I am sure that If I asked him out for a drink he wouldn't say no.

 

I understand he would need some time to figure things out... and when his time runs out and he is still confused or trying to have both then I will just decide for him and let it go. I won't get involved to the point of suffering again, of that I am sure