How to TRY to get an ex back...

[CMS]

Damn, its has been over 10 months and yet I still had such vivid dream of our times together last night, what the hell? I am moving on but why are you still in my head?

 

Just ranting here

[Thorshammer]

I notice that for me personally, the less shes on my mind when i am awake, the more she runs in my mind when i dream (i dont dream about her anymore). I am like that with many things, like if i just put something aside instead of letting it worry me, it will creep up in my dream. I honestly think that is what dreaming is about, to slowy go back to things you put away in storage.

[CMS]

I notice that for me personally, the less shes on my mind when i am awake, the more she runs in my mind when i dream (i dont dream about her anymore). I am like that with many things, like if i just put something aside instead of letting it worry me, it will creep up in my dream. I honestly think that is what dreaming is about, to slowy go back to things you put away in storage.

 

Probably true, I do put up barriers when I am awake to block those thoughts, but guess the said thoughts creeps back when there is no barrier at night. In all fairness, I have not dreamed about her for many months, it all just creep back after my latest failed short term relationship. I will survive.

[Jim Wormold]

Damn, its has been over 10 months and yet I still had such vivid dream of our times together last night, what the hell? I am moving on but why are you still in my head?

 

Just ranting here

 

Yes. I can relate too (BU end of Aug). I was doing ok, then dreamt about her. Tried to forget that

I dreamt about her but only became depressed the last few days. Often wake up directly afterwards.

Waking up at 4am anyway and lie around until daybreak. A wreck from late afternoon.

 

I know I have been grieving and so it's supposedly healthy. I just keep worrying

that I am stretching out the pain in some way. That maybe I am subconsciously refusing

to let go. I wish I knew...

 

I can choose my tunnel nowadays, since my brother-in-law and his family alienated themselves

from me on my recent visit. His behaviour, but also to some extent of the others, was so out of line

that I know things will never be the same. All their cruel jokes about my finances and his religious Bible-bashing

fanaticism - completely overstepping my boundaries, being a bully, laughing off all my concerns.

 

I have been walked all over and spat out because I dont fit in with their (small-minded) ideals. My email also ignored.

I have begun NC with family and the ex in order to heal, try figure that out!!

[drmcsugar]

Uhm yeah last week, I went on dates with different people and seemed to have a great time. I was positive about the whole situation. But when I came home, the only thing I saw in my dream was my ex. I woke up in kind of anger because I thought I was in the progress of moving on so well. Then I tried to nap again, and I dreamed of him again - which is not usual for me. I still remember vividly what happened in both dreams which upset me tremendously. He was moving on with some woman who was totally much more gorgeous and successful, and his friends were flipping out on me about our breakup. Needless to say, I was grouchy the whole next 3 days because I couldn't get it out of my head.

[CMS]

Uhm yeah last week, I went on dates with different people and seemed to have a great time. I was positive about the whole situation. But when I came home, the only thing I saw in my dream was my ex. I woke up in kind of anger because I thought I was in the progress of moving on so well. Then I tried to nap again, and I dreamed of him again - which is not usual for me. I still remember vividly what happened in both dreams which upset me tremendously. He was moving on with some woman who was totally much more gorgeous and successful, and his friends were flipping out on me about our breakup. Needless to say, I was grouchy the whole next 3 days because I couldn't get it out of my head.

 

damn, oh well, you will live. Just truck through it

[EgoJoe]

Sometimes we dream about the memory of the person. I now realize the dreams I had of my Ex for the weeks before and after christmas were my mind implanting the new image of her over my old image which I had been operating under (to a degree) even while she and I b/u.

[johnLA]

My gf and I broke up about a month ago after dating for 3 months because I wanted to get serious and she wanted the care-free, take it day by day guy that she first starting dating (because we got together right after she got out of a 3.5 year relationship). After the break up we still texted non stop for about 2 weeks and she would call me every night after the bar. I told her I missed her and she said she was sorry for making things hard. I decided to try to go NC for the next week. It worked fairly well. She would text me occasionally (mostly about workout tips since I am big into working out) and I would always be friendly and respond. Then a week ago she told me she missed me and told me she had a dream I started dating someone else (I asked how that dream made her feel and she said fine but was pissed i would do that to her). In response to her I miss you I said we would always be friends and since then she only texts me every 3 days or so and the phone calls have stopped. I want to push her away to get her back because I drove her away by pulling her in too much. It doesn't seem to be working much. We see each other everyday and we talk and ask about each others day and weekend and stuff, but that is the extent of our discussions. Am I doing this wrong? Im starting to believe she just doesn't want "us" ever again

[Thorshammer]

There is no magic formula to this. You tried pulling her, that did nothing, right? There is no other method left, you exhausted pulling her in, thats not an option anymore. If you push away for an attempt to spark interest, or because its really your only option, it wont matter, its the gradual steps to healing and letting go. You can continue to push her and walk away (either hoping she chases with time, and/or you heal), or go back to pulling her (cycling back to that stage), or contacting her in the future on friendly terms.

 

I laid out what to do if you want to attempt to continue to push and possibly contact in the future in the first post. This isnt a trick or method, it really is a normal step for most of us as NC is needed for healing, at this point... it just is.

 

You are just banking and hoping a new thought pattern might pop up and she might contact, which would prompt you to attract, or that you contact her in the future and can try to attract again. I have a post somewhere in here about what dumpers MIGHT feel at certain stages (relief> guilt> freedom> realization) etc. that helps plan out when is the best time to reach out to them when they are in these stages (if they ever will be in these stages, i have been the dumper, and not all breakups i have felt guilt or realization, i was only feeling relief and nothing they will do would matter).

 

Here is the post about what an ex might feel if you come off forced in your attempts to contact and attract (2nd post down):

 

 

 

Phases of a break up as i see it and experienced it (post 117)

 

These are all assumptions, no one can analyze a human being with enough confidence to gamble (though i do believe humans are creatures of habit and are very predictable). So, dont take any of this as scripture.

[TangySour]

I have been reading the first post on this forum and following the stories for a while here. All of it really does make a lot of sense. I am in the middle however. I was too clingy and needy, at the same time I was also neglecting her and not doing much to keep the spark going and supporting her with her schooling and career. Of course I did all the stupid things at the beginning. I begged and pleaded the day it happened. I then went NC.

 

This was a month ago pretty much that this all happened. The NC didnt last very long as she had to come get her stuff from my house.

I even summoned enough courage to goto her house that same day to plead my case and how things will be different if she gave us another chance.

I was trying hard not to contact too much. I asked her for coffee 4 days after that and she hesitated but came anyways.

She was so friendly and was giving what we would all call mixed signals. I took it upon myself to try to kiss her but she backed out slowly and laughed and smiled "dont do it! not right now!" I then NC for a week.

 

Then I ran into her at the mall a few days back at her work place. She never works weekdays cuz of school so if threw me off. The second she saw me, she hid. I was there to get shoes so I stuck to my business. I know she was peeping every now and then to see what I was doing. I eventually had to face her. She was the only cashier. She was friendly and had that look in her eyes like she was surprised to see me (probably putting on a fake face cuz she saw me already) "hey. what are you doing here"? She proceeded to ask about my life and how I was doing. I didn't give her much info and she started to talk about herself what she did the last few days and who she went with. I told her good seeing you, maybe a coffee sometime to catch up. And we said our good byes and left. We *might* be going out for coffee this Sunday.

 

I think the part that sucks most about all this, she is so friendly in person yet to cold and emotionless in her texts. I would text every now and then (like one text a week, maybe 2 max) to wish her good luck on her exams and conferences for school. She would also go into detail about her day but just monotone. No emotion. So cold...

 

Anyways, I was thinking of stopping by her house on Sunday (if we go for coffee), catch her as she leaves the door. I will be holding some tiger lilies (her fav), and catch her off guard "oh hey, what are you doing here?" and then say a couple of things I should have done a long time ago. Kiss her passionately. Then own up to my mistakes. I have yet to say sorry for being the crap boyfriend that I was. So I will say sorry "I know I have been smothering you and trying to spend all my time being with you and I have been selfish in doing so. I have taken a step back and would love to take our relationship one day at a time. I want to appreciate the journey with you and our destination will take care of itself" something along those lines lol what do you guys think?

[Thorshammer]

What you are doing seems forced. Saying sorry for being needy doesnt make sense at this point, its already done, it was your behavior- especially since you plan to "run" into her again and are again showering her with attention while you just so happen to have flowers ready.

 

I really think you should heal and leave her alone, you are being too forced with your behavior, and she is cold to you in text to push you away. You are just building a bigger case for her to believe she mad a great choice- and shes done nothing to show interest for you to even think of trying to pull her with attention. This has to be REAL, or for some of you that are desperate enough, "fake it to you make it"- you seem to to be incapable of doing neither one- and i am pretty sure she will see right through all of this.

[Thorshammer]

Seems like you guys have issues piling up and its starting a domino effect???? I think thats normal, the flood gates pushed out a bit due to some stress. I was stressed out a few months ago about a test and i started dreaming about my ex. All i have to say is that i was not nice in my dream, and i did not take her back. That killed those dreams fast- then i was attacked by zombies, but thats another discussion, lol

[Thorshammer]

Uhm yeah last week, I went on dates with different people and seemed to have a great time. I was positive about the whole situation. But when I came home, the only thing I saw in my dream was my ex. I woke up in kind of anger because I thought I was in the progress of moving on so well. Then I tried to nap again, and I dreamed of him again - which is not usual for me. I still remember vividly what happened in both dreams which upset me tremendously. He was moving on with some woman who was totally much more gorgeous and successful, and his friends were flipping out on me about our breakup. Needless to say, I was grouchy the whole next 3 days because I couldn't get it out of my head.

 

You dont seem to be moving on. You might have a wall set-up, so you see these guys as faceless objects occupying your time only???? Love is an addiction, going out with other people is like trying out cheap drugs that doesnt stimulate you enough, it will just make you crave the real thing (which seems to be him).

 

I didnt dream about her when i spent a night getting numbers and charming some girls a few weeks after our BU, but when i got home i was depressed. I thought about how easy it was for me to get their numbers, which got me thinking about how easy it would be for my ex to give out her number to someone else. It does get better though, i dont care about my ex anymore.

[CMS]

Dude you are approaching stalker status, dont do it man, its creepy, you might think its sweet and romantic but its most likely that she will view it as creepy stalker behavior and it WILL not work in your favor at all.

 

Leave her along for now (sounds like you need to do this for a long while), no more text, no more "accidental" run ins, no more "whats up, hows life?", just disappear for now.

[CMS]

Seems like you guys have issues piling up and its starting a domino effect???? I think thats normal, the flood gates pushed out a bit due to some stress. I was stressed out a few months ago about a test and i started dreaming about my ex. All i have to say is that i was not nice in my dream, and i did not take her back. That killed those dreams fast- then i was attacked by zombies, but thats another discussion, lol

 

Lol Zombies? thats awesome, the more frequent recurring theme of my dreams lately was driving and my brakes are not working and I woke up when I am about to crash (I think I got this dream about 4 times in the last 2 weeks), haha I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something.

 

But interestingly enough, I recognize what you said, I tried the whole "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone (or any variation of this)", but all I had is empty hollow feelings after I get their numbers or pick them up using whatever old tricks that I knew by heart. I wonder what Endy has to say about that, probably something along the line that I am still not 100% healed from that major breakup or something.

[Coconut Twin]

I read all this and I completely relate. Just fills me with sadness that this is the reason my ex broke with me this Sunday passed. I am trying to work on myself, I have the intentions too, I also recognise there is something wrong with me. Right now, I'm every guys nightmare....this hurts but I can only heal myself and get help which I'm doing at this moment.

 

Me and my mum are estranged, she treated all of us very badly. My father, a musician was rarely around so...yea, I don't feel loved by my mother, my father loves me but was never there emotionally in the early stages. I don't blame them but they ahd a part to play in why I'm the way I am.

 

This post so rings true. Its like the truth hitting me in the face, and its a hard slap of reality of what I need to do to sort my issues out.

 

Sometimes I'm not even aware of what I'm doing, it's subconscious. I'm doing a lot of mediation at the moment and i hope it helps.

[Coconut Twin]

By the way, I hope my post doesn't cause any of you guys to get slapped by your ex's lol. If they are anywhere close to what I have described, then they will feel totally insulted by my post. They hate being confronted even though they like doing it to others.

 

I don't think all are confrontational in this position

[Thorshammer]

My ex felt that she was abandoned by her mother, she was an alcoholic and had clinical depression. Her being emotional as is, couldnt handle the lifestyle she grew up in, and her dad was never home due to his job.

 

My ex was my nightmare. I forgot how it felt like to be "sweet", and to be told i am a sweet and good person while i dated her. I went from picking out roses and trying to make her laugh, to months later folding my arms, saying "whaaaaateeeever, its all about you, i am the badguy all the time because you like to throw my name in the dirt, whatever, just leave me". She already knew she was damaged, she warned me she would change, i just marched on and took it.

[Coconut Twin]

Wow Thorhammer, you have literally opened my eyes to so much about myself about my ex...I thank you and appreciate this insight so much. It's making me realise that I should really work on myself and stop hoping that I will get my ex back. I mean who would wanna get back with a emotionally disturbed girl like me...so yea thanks this is what I REALLY needed!

[Jim Wormold]

Seems like you guys have issues piling up and its starting a domino effect???? I think thats normal, the flood gates pushed out a bit due to some stress. I was stressed out a few months ago about a test and i started dreaming about my ex. All i have to say is that i was not nice in my dream, and i did not take her back. That killed those dreams fast- then i was attacked by zombies, but thats another discussion, lol

 

Haha Enjoyed that one. Maybe she put the zombies on you...

 

But yes, funny how when you are stressed or for me especially when I am physically tired,

just how much more I begin to miss her. I have noticed how important it is lately to get enough

sleep. Makes such a difference to the whole "moving on" attempt.

 

Funny thing is my family actually used the knowledge of my break up as an excuse to call me

overly sensitive in my responses to their comments and jokes. Like how twisted is that - using that

as ammo for their own gain?! Even my mother who said that too of me in my reaction to the others.

 

Or, when they see you are down, as a way to spread their idea of how others should live.

 

"Family" is such a weird concept. They supposedly say they are doing things in "love" or because they

"care about you", but really its more about power games, closed-mindedness and insensitivity.

 

New year, new beginnings. Hoorah!

[Coconut Twin]

My ex felt that she was abandoned by her mother, she was an alcoholic and had clinical depression. Her being emotional as is, couldnt handle the lifestyle she grew up in, and her dad was never home due to his job.

 

My ex was my nightmare. I forgot how it felt like to be "sweet", and to be told i am a sweet and good person while i dated her. I went from picking out roses and trying to make her laugh, to months later folding my arms, saying "whaaaaateeeever, its all about you, i am the badguy all the time because you like to throw my name in the dirt, whatever, just leave me". She already knew she was damaged, she warned me she would change, i just marched on and took it.

 

It's a shame that she was a "nightmare" really is. I hope I wasn't to him. I don't think I was as extreme as your ex but I think I spiralled into self loathing and it effected him. I lost my job, my place, my sanity...nearly. But I will big myself up a little in that I ALWAYS showed my appreciation in everything he did for me. I always told him he was great, helped him with anything he was having trouble with bla bla bla and we had loads of laughs...

 

Now its over, and I understood his reasons - I was insecure, sad about my mother, without a home...

 

So yea, he had his reasons and I respected them. It was amicable. I still love and care for him and hope he is happy and at peace now.

[Thorshammer]

It's a shame that she was a "nightmare" really is. I hope I wasn't to him. I don't think I was as extreme as your ex but I think I spiralled into self loathing and it effected him. I lost my job, my place, my sanity...nearly. But I will big myself up a little in that I ALWAYS showed my appreciation in everything he did for me. I always told him he was great, helped him with anything he was having trouble with bla bla bla and we had loads of laughs...

 

Now its over, and I understood his reasons - I was insecure, sad about my mother, without a home...

 

So yea, he had his reasons and I respected them. It was amicable. I still love and care for him and hope he is happy and at peace now.

 

Oh, my ex treated me like a king when she could. She adored me, we always talked 24/7.

 

Its when the bug hits, usually when i do something that another person would shrug, she would twist it into an attack on me, or if she did something i didnt like and i voiced my concern... world war 3 would erupt in my living-room.

 

What were you doing, i dont see being sad and feeling down as a reason for someone to leave (granted, i know some people feel certain energies that they feel the relationship cant grow, as they say; depression can be contagious- but still, i personally dont see that as being a nightmare).

[TangySour]

Maybe I am being too pushy. I just feel like the longer I wait the lesser the chance I have with her. I am not forcing myself to go out of my way and apologize. I'm stubborn and have never admitted fault to anything I've done. I feel I owe her that much. What I was gonna go say sorry to was for neglecting her and not appreciating her. I took her for granted is what happened. I am not desperate for her back. I don't need her. I want her. I have spent a lot of time reflecting and really understanding what happened. I am not wanting her back to fill a void or for my loneliness.

[Thorshammer]

Hurt makes other hurt... hurt more, so i understand. I know i shut off my friends and didnt want to see them, i saw them as selfish and fake. For me personally, i was overly sensitive to everything, its normal, i am in an emotional state as is from the break up. It takes time to leave that state.

[Thorshammer]

Maybe I am being too pushy. I just feel like the longer I wait the lesser the chance I have with her.

 

Horrible thought pattern born from illogical emotions. You have to realize, you dont have a chance with her, because you still are the same person who she left. Reread my first post. And your way of thinking is very off, you tried to pull by being needy, you tried to pull her after the break up, then after that again... its not working. Going nc and going away is your only option, regardless if it gets her back or not.

 

I am not forcing myself to go out of my way and apologize. I'm stubborn and have never admitted fault to anything I've done. I feel I owe her that much. What I was gonna go say sorry to was for neglecting her and not appreciating her. I took her for granted is what happened. I am not desperate for her back. I don't need her. I want her. I have spent a lot of time reflecting and really understanding what happened. I am not wanting her back to fill a void or for my loneliness.

 

Your intentions might be that, but not your actions. I would send her a strong letter, not a random meet-up with random flowers, that are obviously not random at all. Let this letter be for YOU, to get that last little * * * * * off your armor so you can continue to heal- so you can walk away in nc with some dignity and leaving the final impression as a positive one (let her think about it, but dont pull anymore, neediness is a form of control by the way, you reaching out is again repeating the same patterns, 2 wrongs dont make a right), not a desperate one. If you choose to contact many months later, then thats up to you, but right now, your actions will seem forced.