How to TRY to get an ex back...

[CMS]

I don't think she had a depression, I think that she was in a stage of her life where she was kind of confused with everything and had doubts about where her life was going (quarter-life crisis perhaps). We had a couple of fights in the months before the BU about stuff that was important to her (living together, her family etc.) and I assume that combined with those doubts she just lost attraction. She recently tried to add me on MSN messenger again after 5 months NC but I just ignored it because I'm never on there anymore and I don't think it would have led anywhere.

 

That description fits mine pretty closely as well, but I do think she has trust issues since her parents are divorced and all the guys in her life cheated on her and left her so she was programmed to wait for the other shoe to drop. She is also an appeaser, trying to act happy and appease to all in her life. I guess I am just feeling a little nostalgic in the last few days since another one of my short term relationships ended (3rd one since the breakup 10 months ago).

 

Might have to examine myself to see if I am putting a vibe that attracts insecure girls.

[Thorshammer]

I don't think she had a depression, I think that she was in a stage of her life where she was kind of confused with everything and had doubts about where her life was going (quarter-life crisis perhaps). We had a couple of fights in the months before the BU about stuff that was important to her (living together, her family etc.) and I assume that combined with those doubts she just lost attraction. She recently tried to add me on MSN messenger again after 5 months NC but I just ignored it because I'm never on there anymore and I don't think it would have led anywhere.

 

Oh, my mistake, i responded to your post as if you said my ex had a quarter life crisis.

 

There were some good posts on here before about the quarter-life crisis. Unfortunately they are far deep behind (might find them with a search on it). They do advise that people with a quarter-life crisis to not make rash decisions based on emotional, since they are charged with emotions vs logic. I believe a true quarter life crisis is more of a forced dump than losing attraction (though both could go hand in hand)- they were forced to dump you so they reasoned with themselves to destroy the possibility of a future. If that reasoning was deep enough, or long enough with time, then yeah, i could see a hit to attraction when it comes to the attraction (attachment) for a future.

 

But I still would have seriously considered that msn thing, unless i felt it would open up old wounds.

[Scuza]

Did she have depression?

 

No idea. She was never diagnosed with anything as far as I know, and I haven't been in contact with her for months, so I may never know.

Some of the things you mentioned fit, while others don't fit at all. I'm no psychiatrist, so who knows.

[GreenCupcake]

Its funny, she warned me about her agitation with people who get close to her, when i met her i didnt understand how such a beautiful girl could have issues finding someone, she was so negative about finding a "healthy" relationship and a good guy at first, i remember our first phone convo, "i gave up finding a good relationship, i just want to adopt and live alone, or have a bunch of dogs."

 

That almost made me chuckle since I say stuff like that when I get really upset/depressed. I've been getting out of the rut that your ex girlfriend is still in. It took me YEARS to figure out what the heck I was doing. It's still an on-going process and I am getting better. That's why I generally understand girls like that (especially when it comes to my brothers ex girlfriend). If you want, I can PM you my brothers story. I don't really feel like posting it to the public, simply out of respect for him and ALSO so that I don't get my a$$ kicked if he finds out (and of course I don't mean it in the literal sense) LOL.

[Thorshammer]

That almost made me chuckle since I say stuff like that when I get really upset/depressed. I've been getting out of the rut that your ex girlfriend is still in. It took me YEARS to figure out what the heck I was doing. It's still an on-going process and I am getting better. That's why I generally understand girls like that (especially when it comes to my brothers ex girlfriend). If you want, I can PM you my brothers story. I don't really feel like posting it to the public, simply out of respect for him and ALSO so that I don't get my a$$ kicked if he finds out (and of course I don't mean it in the literal sense) LOL.

 

Yeah, you can pm the story, as well about your depression if you wish.

[HopeArises]

If you were too needy, desperate, clingy, etc, they WON'T contact you. Wishful thinking. If that was the last impression you left on them. That will be the last thing they remember of you and will hold onto that and will NOT contact you.

 

If after enough time has passed and you have SUCCESSFULLY gotten back to your confident and independent self and want to look them up at THAT POINT, so that they can see a NEW you, you CAN people. Otherwise, it's just wishful thinking that they will contact you on their own. If you want them to feel something NEW for you, you IN TIME (YES, time MUST occur first) will have to show them something NEW, by contacting them.

 

Good luck.

[EgoJoe]

HA: Not contacting them is the opposite of needy and desperate...

[Thorshammer]

If you were too needy, desperate, clingy, etc, they WON'T contact you. Wishful thinking. If that was the last impression you left on them. That will be the last thing they remember of you and will hold onto that and will NOT contact you.

 

If after enough time has passed and you have SUCCESSFULLY gotten back to your confident and independent self and want to look them up at THAT POINT, so that they can see a NEW you, you CAN people. Otherwise, it's just wishful thinking that they will contact you on their own. If you want them to feel something NEW for you, you IN TIME (YES, time MUST occur first) will have to show them something NEW, by contacting them.

 

Good luck.

 

Try to read the post next time....

 

Unlike the pusher, i would advise you to wait for them to call... if they ever do. You can take initiative and call... but it has to be on friendly terms. You calling i believe lowers the chance of them being interested- the most ideal thing is for them to call... but life isnt perfect. If you want to make a last ditch effort, then go for it.. they left anyway, so who cares how you go out (just dont argue or insult her ever, this will make her future approach difficult).

 

And I remember your old posts about contacting them in a short-time span, which i didnt agree with. That is a slap to the face of a dumper if you think they will believe these "changes" in a short time span, if you can change so fast and learned and reasoned to solutions so fast... then you could have adapted while in the relationship and saw the end coming, but you didnt (and this will be a common thought for many dumpers if you are trying to sell it so fast). That will come off forced and fake- actually, even more needy since you send the message that she FORCED you to change, pulled your arm to submit, and none of that shows changes away from being a needy, desperate or clingy person (thats more toward submission). If they fall for contact in short-time span, then they didnt really want to leave in the first place- or they were playing games for control- you get this with immature inexperienced people pushing their weaker partners.

 

And, despite that, all my ex's came running back contacting me first- my last ex was the only ex that i ever contacted after break up. My ex's came back and never saw me as that needy person, they believed all the changes (and they were all real- experiences that stick to me this day), and by then i considered myself too good for them.

 

Oh... and you are on a forum.... there are enough examples here of dumpers reaching out, you can scroll down and read.

[mrtango]

I agree with OP. The idea is to get your good old self back, it's great. But don't stop there, be better. Just get rid of your flaws (yes everybody has his/her own flaws).

 

Be the man you want to be. Change your life to a better one. Why not? Why do you wait? OK guys I don't believe reincarnation so I don't want to risk it. I can't wait for another life. So my other life started after my BU.

 

Don't do it because of your ex, do it for yourself. So it doesn't matter if they call you or not if you're a better man now! I am in 7 months NC, and I am doing it for myself. I miss her, I will never forget her but I know that I can only increase or decrease the chances of her come back but it's still up to her!

 

In the meantime, I try to become a great man again (rep to time machine theory) and I don't wait for her. I try to live my life. I think if you improve yourself in time, it's for your own good. And if she doesn't understand your value, she doesn't deserve you. She will go to search for what she believes that she deserves. It's her problem and her loss.

 

So thank you hammer, you give insight.

[lemonhaze]

But I still would have seriously considered that msn thing, unless i felt it would open up old wounds.

 

Maybe I'll give it a small shot, see what she has to say (if she hasn't deleted me again already).

[Thorshammer]

My friend once told me that women fuel mens success. For example, the facebook movie, that dude did all that because he was trying to impress a girl that rejected him. Then she started telling me about all these examples of men being dumped, and them scrambling for success afterward- their motivator usually being to cover the hole in their self-esteem when their ex left them (same with women i am sure). Obviously this is a better/healthier motivator than getting an ex back, since you can fail getting an ex back- and you might resent everything you did as pointless, where as someone who is chasing an evolution in themselves will always succeed, even if they dont get their ex back.

 

I also see couples who get together, and one or both give up on their dreams. Things change and they dont chase after money or success, they get comfortable in their relationship, they met their love, and the image of the future changes. I have a few friends who wanted to be lawyers, doctors, and they get into a serious relationship and settle for less because they believe their perspective of life has changed and its ok to be in the state they are in with their loved ones (not that its a bad thing).

 

This was just an observation in my friends.

[JonasWaingaro]

You do see this a lot. Giving up dreams and aspirations. Which can be okay if you honestly have a change of life goals. I think the problem is most don't really give up on those dreams and aspirations. So down the line they lose that contentment, and start to feel resentment. That's when things start to fall apart. 'Where did my/our dreams go?' 'Why am I settling for less when I wanted so much more?' 'What happened to the promises we made to each other?' You see that all the time in relationships. One person feels undervalued in life so they start to look outside the relationship and realize they settled for less. People do get comfortable. Probably too comfortable. Life is about challenges/dreams and when you take those away life becomes boring - dull. Not everyone is going to feel this way of course. It's a delicate balance. Life isn't a non-stop rodeo ride but you do need variety and dreams to keep you happy and fun.

[mrtango]

My friend once told me that women fuel mens success. For example, the facebook movie, that dude did all that because he was trying to impress a girl that rejected him. Then she started telling me about all these examples of men being dumped, and them scrambling for success afterward- their motivator usually being to cover the hole in their self-esteem when their ex left them (same with women i am sure). Obviously this is a better/healthier motivator than getting an ex back, since you can fail getting an ex back- and you might resent everything you did as pointless, where as someone who is chasing an evolution in themselves will always succeed, even if they dont get their ex back.

Yes I agree. It's always a good motivator.

 

I also see couples who get together, and one or both give up on their dreams. Things change and they dont chase after money or success, they get comfortable in their relationship, they met their love, and the image of the future changes. I have a few friends who wanted to be lawyers, doctors, and they get into a serious relationship and settle for less because they believe their perspective of life has changed and its ok to be in the state they are in with their loved ones (not that its a bad thing).

This was just an observation in my friends.

My ex dumped me because she thinks that we have different perspectives/goals in life. She wants a classy/expensive life. She wants to be in high society. Now she chase rich man. Me? I work for my ideals not for money. So, after a LTR, she dumped me. I want to tell that sometimes people doesn't want to settle down for less...

[Sanders24]

Then she started telling me about all these examples of men being dumped, and them scrambling for success afterward- their motivator usually being to cover the hole in their self-esteem when their ex left them (same with women i am sure). Obviously this is a better/healthier motivator than getting an ex back, since you can fail getting an ex back- and you might resent everything you did as pointless, where as someone who is chasing an evolution in themselves will always succeed, even if they dont get their ex back.

 

My ex always said if we were to break-up somewhere in the future, I would probably explode in getting fitter and getting social beyond measure.

 

lol

[Sanders24]

She wants a classy/expensive life. She wants to be in high society. Now she chase rich man. Me? I work for my ideals not for money. So, after a LTR, she dumped me. I want to tell that sometimes people doesn't want to settle down for less...

 

This is what my best friend is going through right now. 6 years RS, married, 4year old child. She drains the life out of him every day by spitting on his bad financial sucsses and his inability to come home every day with billion dollars. Prior to this, she was in a LTR with a guy who gave her everything (financially) and she obviously never got down from that money-trip. Things are not looking good for them at the moment.

[rebellefleur]

And, despite that, all my ex's came running back contacting me first- my last ex was the only ex that i ever contacted after break up. My ex's came back and never saw me as that needy person, they believed all the changes (and they were all real- experiences that stick to me this day), and by then i considered myself too good for them.

 

Thor, were you saying that during the break up you were needy/clingy and that your exes came back? Just trying to determine if you agree with what the poster said about being the one to initiate it down the road, or let them come to you- even if you were that needy person.

[octour]

This is what my best friend is going through right now. 6 years RS, married, 4year old child. She drains the life out of him every day by spitting on his bad financial sucsses and his inability to come home every day with billion dollars. Prior to this, she was in a LTR with a guy who gave her everything (financially) and she obviously never got down from that money-trip. Things are not looking good for them at the moment.

 

This is exactly what happened to my good friend's parents. They are Billionaires. Yes, Billionaires with a B. They recently divorced (thank goodness) and he basically left her everything. Whenever I would visit, I always heard him say 'When the hell is it ever going to be enough.' Some people think they deserve the world when they actually don't deserve anything. He settled and took 100M for himself. Now, he couldn't be happier. Her? Who knows? Who cares? i couldn't be happier for him.

[octour]

With my recent ex, on the surface it looked like she left me for someone else. She did, there's no denying that. But the true underlying reason why she was even looking was that I was overworked and we didn't really have much of a life for the better part of our 3.5 year RS. She kept waiting for things to change, and I kept promising her that they would. She was bored and I understand that. But then she found someone compatible, and she bolted in the most disrespectful way possible. Two months later, I am working less than half the hours, making 3x the money just like I said I would. Now I have all the time in the world to follow through on all the hopes, dreams, promises, that we ever had for each other. Now she's with a guy who teaches soccer to little kids and still goes out with his drinking buddies. A note to her: Thanks for believing in me, I really appreciate it.

[Sanders24]

Now I have all the time in the world to follow through on all the hopes, dreams, promises, that we ever had for each other. Now she's with a guy who teaches soccer to little kids and still goes out with his drinking buddies. A note to her: Thanks for believing in me, I really appreciate it.

 

We share almost similar postBU. Altough my ex expressed her anger after BU due to changes that I started to lift my self up from the pain. And all this while shes with another guy. My note to her goes the same line just like yours.

[Thorshammer]

Thor, were you saying that during the break up you were needy/clingy and that your exes came back? Just trying to determine if you agree with what the poster said about being the one to initiate it down the road, or let them come to you- even if you were that needy person.

 

Rebelle, this quote on that post:

 

thorshammer

Unlike the pusher, i would advise you to wait for them to call... if they ever do. You can take initiative and call... but it has to be on friendly terms. You calling i believe lowers the chance of them being interested- the most ideal thing is for them to call... but life isnt perfect. If you want to make a last ditch effort, then go for it.. they left anyway, so who cares how you go out (just dont argue or insult her ever, this will make her future approach difficult).

 

This is from my first post (i just forgot to add thorshammer on it). That poster assumed i said to NOT reach out to a dumper, i did not, he failed to read my post and for some reason claimed i said to never reach out to a dumper. I mean right after that a poster was posting about how he should have read my post so he could have contacted his ex instead of sitting back and waiting.

 

Its all there, i dont need repeating.

 

As for my ex's, i never reached out, they contacted me first, i built comfort and attraction, and then i reached out to them afterward. One ex i left yelling and pouting like a 12 year old (but I had a loooot of issues back then that just came breaking through that i just let go). I would have never reached out even if i wanted. When someone leaves, they died to me- all this experience i got from REALLY moving on, REALLY changing, really being confident, careless, cool, and really wanting someone else- while they chased and stuck to me. The fastest one came chasing was a few days, the longest was 1.5 years, the longest one chased was on and off for 5 years.

 

With my last ex i did reach out- only because i was confused how she perceived the break-up (did i pull or push?- her mind was pretty erratic and hard to measure).

 

Regardless, its a last ditch effort. Not everyone can convey change of being needy if they went and contacted a person who left them high and dry- it kind of doesnt mix when you think about how she left because you pulled too much, yet you call- which is itself pulling again. You have to make your call very neutral, and you have to approach on a friendly level.

 

This is like going for a run play with 20 yards away from first down on a 4th down. You have to hide your intentions, get your game together, examine the opponent, bluff a punt (if you didnt change), and hope for the best. GIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANTS!!!!! - finally got to say it...

[lonelyheart2]

Thorshammer have you ever tried to get back together with a girl that you have broken up with?

[Thorshammer]

Thorshammer have you ever tried to get back together with a girl that you have broken up with?

 

No, well.. depends.

 

My ex (who ended up dumping me anyway) i broke up with when i couldnt take her vanishing act on me. I went and got with someone else a week later (some random girl i met on the internet who was actually quite a catch- who became my gf for like 2-3 months). The original ex i ignored, but to be honest i still had feelings for. In this case its called a "forced dump"- a dump which happens very sudden and emotionally, where the dumper feels they have to dump them (basically, there is no pre-planning where i build the case to stay or leave).

 

Well, the new gf dumped me- and i ran back to my ex, who i wanted also, but i will admit it could have went either way. I developed closer feelings to the original ex, but that relationship was not good.

 

Another girl i dumped who lived faraway. She played too many games and thought she was a superstar. I actually met my ex when i was talking to her, this ldr girl wasnt my gf though. I left quickly and got with the girl who would become my recent ex. After i saw how crazy my ex was, i tried to contact the other girl to fix my anxiety and loneliness that a new but rocky relationship put me in (hence why in some of my posts i always say to avoid being their ego-boost, you can find it on my post started thing in my profile). But, the girl continued to play games- so she just built the case even more for my ex.

 

Everyone else i never bothered with, but they were short relationships. To be honest, i cant see how i would break up with someone who i stretched many years with- i am either foolish, or too loyal, but i cant see it. Now, when my ex's did come chasing, the power was on my team- and i felt very much like the dumper- and i closed the door always except for a very few cases.

[dumPI]

To be honest, i cant see how i would break up with someone who i stretched many years with- i am either foolish, or too loyal, but i cant see it. Now, when my ex's did come chasing, the power was on my team- and i felt very much like the dumper- and i closed the door always except for a very few cases.

 

 

^^ This! ... I second this. I am one to enter slowly in relationships, testing myself & my feelings before going full speed because I feel loyal, I care about people & their feelings. I'd keep my feelings for me & not start a relationship rather than telling her and dumping her later. It's like I mean my words. That's why I can't understand people saying I love you's and sweet things just because of the emotional momentum they are in. I feel like my word is my bond. And so I feel deceived again & again by others.

[sentencedtoagony]

Same for me. I don't engage in a relationship or say I'm in love if I'm not in it for the long haul, prepared to battle through the good times and the bad with full effort.

[LAW724]

Me and my ex broke up a month ago. We are both 20 and attend the same university. We were together for a year and a half and dated since the summer after we graduated. Back home we live accross the street from eachother and now at school just down the street. He broke up with me with what seemed like out of nowhere saying that he felt like he loved me but wasnt in love with me anymore and wasnt really too sure if he even knew what it should feel like since I was his first everything. He said he just wanted to be single and only have to worry about himself since he really needs to get his GPA up this semester. Were both in greek life so we run into eachother a lot. He said after the break up that he wanted to stay friends and that he realized he could not just not have me in his life. We did the whole friends thing for a couple of days but it ended up just being him acting like we were together behind closed doors. I couldnt handle it especially since the last time he came over before i started NC he started to freak out if i even touched him. Thats when I decided NC would be the best for me. So I kept up with it for a couple of weeks only saying hi if we bumped into eachother on campus or at a mutual friends. Well a couple of days ago I broke NC in terms of texting and he ended up coming over to hang out. The whole time he ended up being completely different than he was the last time he was over in terms of being flirty and kept trying to subtly touch me. I brushed it off like it was nothing and we just talked and joked around. From the way he was looking at me and his body language he seemed to be surprised how well things were going for me, like he found me more attractive or something. Hours went by and he still kept working for me to give into his efforts. long story short, I eventually did and he spent the night. He would wake up and say things like I should probably go home and I would just say ok and instead he would go back to holding me and go back to sleep. In the morning we made another "mistake" and then he left right before his class started. I didnt get up and just told him bye, surprisingly he got dressed and then came up to kiss me and said bye and left. We didnt contact eachother after that and the next day I saw him at school and he hugged me and just said he was going to go study. Since then we havent spoken again. I have no clue what to do now...I dont feel heartbroken or anything, just confused since he acted so completely different when he came over this time than he did the last time, like why would he act differently just with time passed, I would have thought that it would have reinforced his thoughts on nothing physical even more. HELP please!