How to TRY to get an ex back...

[Thorshammer]

thanks for this...your posts help me out a lot hammer! you should seriously consider writing a book!

 

Lol, thanks, but I am far from an expert. I blew my chance with my last ex... really... really bad. Granted it was due to so many things that it was hard to measure mostly her depression and how erratic and confusing things were because of it)- it just goes to show that everyone is different.

 

A lot of the books i read i end up writing things i dont agree with, mostly because it doesnt fit my personality, nor does it fit hers (which is why i said what i said about their characteristics that can change things). One thing I read said to tell her you agree with the break-up, i mentioned it above, but i am seriously on the fence with that one (one guy here got his ex chasing after he said it)- i have never used it, and all my ex's except my recent one came back without it- i displayed it by having fun in a way that didnt seem forced.

 

Also, a lot of books (every single one i read when i was crazy browsing through books like a maniac) always promotes their approach from the perspective of the needy person (the puller), and rarely the pusher (the one who neglect'ed) reason being because the one who pushed away too much is least likely to be as desperate to chase and purchase things than the needy and clingy dumpee.

[Thorshammer]

Spot on, I delivered all those bad traits few months before BU. Gonna add here a quote from the mail my ex sent me after BU;

 

"In fact, I stopped missing you as a boyfriend a long time ago, but I couldnt deal with that fact because you were my half, part of me, so I stayed so long in a relationship ...."

 

This is very common, sometimes some of us dumpers would never get to hear this. Some of us ignore the signs, ignore the distance and inconsistency in their behavior- ignore the lack of effort they put in as time went on. I know I did.

 

One week after I went NC, she sends a mail in which she expresses her anger b/c I all of a sudden changed into a new person (working-out, socialising, going out, stopped delivering all those bad traits of needines, insecurity (read - went silent))

 

 

 

This can be tied to my sentence above.

 

This has never really happened to me, but when i thought of it when i did it... i wondered how one specific ex would take it, and i reasoned she might consider it insulting, where others didnt (again, everyone is different, thats why A LOT of this is not cut and paste for every situation). Some books i read said this is a good thing because the dumper starts to feel like the rejected, so their self-esteem itself takes a hit, they might believe they were holding you back from fun (to me, this is not something to bank on, its too much to assume unless you know her character and reactions).

 

Its just avoiding making this forced and pacing yourself to make it look natural that can maybe avoid them lashing out. Also, you have to leave on good terms, you leave on bad-terms and start partying, it destroys the message and make your actions look spiteful- basically forced and vengeful (if thats your intention).

 

Hm, I did chased her almost 3 weeks after BU in a pretty wrong way (weakness, neediness) but finally realized I cant do anything b/c shes with another guy and from then went NC.

 

This is a conflicting subject, a lot of guys, especially the very masculine (and strong women that know about attraction, because everything i said does work for females too), want to avoid chasing, especially when they pulled too much and lost attraction (it works more against men, women want a strong man, it might be even possible that you lost her due to showing too many weakness). Some say they already made their decision, and you displaying even more weakness will solidify their decision. I do chase, i do fight for my women; i want to leave the last impression that i refused to let go and that i loved her, and then when i get if off my chest, i leave with the intentions of being gone forever (its your chase to hold on to attraction by not doing so, its all up to you- i have gotten ex's snooping around many months later with interest doing both ways).

[Sanders24]

This has never really happened to me, but when i thought of it when i did it... i wondered how one specific ex would take it, and i reasoned she might consider it insulting, where others didnt (again, everyone is different, thats why A LOT of this is not cut and paste for every situation). Some books i read said this is a good thing because the dumper starts to feel like the rejected, so their self-esteem itself takes a hit, they might believe they were holding you back from fun (to me, this is not something to bank on, its too much to assume unless you know her character and reactions).

 

During the BU, I recived information that my ex went pretty mad when she saw my posts and pictures on fb regarding my work-out, running, going out (I dont mean partying & getting drunk but going to the movies, coffe etc.). And I want to add that she did sniffed my fb wall b/c I unfriended her from fb rigth after BU and the only way she could seen those infos/photos is through her sister profile b/c I was still friends with her.

 

Its just avoiding making this forced and pacing yourself to make it look natural that can maybe avoid them lashing out. Also, you have to leave on good terms, you leave on bad-terms and start partying, it destroys the message and make your actions look spiteful- basically forced and vengeful (if thats your intention).

 

To be honest, right after the BU, at first I started doing those changes to show her I can be this new person and also to show myself (Yeah, I wanted to change myself but was somewhat lazy about it I guess) but as days passed this transformed into taking care of myself and doing it only for myself, It started to be some kind of my defence mechanism durin those painful days. And to add, i never rubbed these changes into my exs face/message/phone-call. I did told her on one of our last talks that it would be a shame if she cant see this new me but it was pretty late then, so I didnt pushed anything.

 

Some say they already made their decision, and you displaying even more weakness will solidify their decision. I do chase, i do fight for my women; i want to leave the last impression that i refused to let go and that i loved her, and then when i get if off my chest, i leave with the intentions of being gone forever (its your chase to hold on to attraction by not doing so, its all up to you- i have gotten ex's snooping around many months later with interest doing both ways)

 

I tried to fight for her for 3 weeks, we talked every day 2-3 times, but she was so detached, I couldnt plant a single thing into her mind. Yeah, I probably didnt maintain those talks in a strong and confident way.

 

And to add that I didnt cut contact in some anger, misery tone. Last time I called her, I had a short monolog in which I explained to her that after all things that happened I will stop calling and contacting her because Im not her boyfriend anymore and its non of my business what she does currently and that I cant do anything because these are her decisions and Im frankly burnt out and tired from this process. I said that altough she hurt me bad I still cant hate her and probably still love her but this torture is just not right for me and ended conversation in a pleasant manner.

 

First mail came one week after that. Second 10 days ago. Never responded anything.

[Scuza]

Very interesting way of looking at a break up...

Very good thread. Thor does it again!

[EgoJoe]

Sanders, I meant to write more after your PM. But, I've been caughtup in dealing with my own sheiza. I finally gave my Ex a piece of my mind after vanishing for over five months. We were NC 2 months post-bu LC for a month and then I vanished. She emailed me once after I went NC. I emailed her last night...I didn't expect or want a response and she read my email multiple times this morning and responded. I have yet to read it. I know exactly how you're feeling right now, man.

 

 

I think Thor's interpretation of your actions possibly being insulting post-bu is fairly accurate. It can be perceived in a number of ways. Only you know what type of person she is and how it might affect her and yet breakups can cause so much change that it would probably be hard even for you to pin it down.

 

If you didn't cut contact in a miserable etc. way and she saw you working out etc. I would just keep that up so that it becomes lasting change for you and if she checks up on you it won't be perceived as manipulative attempts to get her back.

 

What did her emails say?

[The Man Who]

You should branch out Thor with the "hot tub time machine" haha.

 

Great thread though

[Thorshammer]

The thing about NC- which i forgot to mention in the first post, is that it has to have a lot of time. Yes, its about healing, but if you run toward the first contact- it could be an issue.

 

When you pick up a call and hint at your changes- they might take it as "forced", no matter how subtle you do it (this goes for the person who pushed away too-though for them i do agree with Light contact). Its hard for them to transition their thoughts from the you-that-they-rejected to the 'back to the new but really was somewhat the person they first liked-you' if only a few days/weeks have passed. It sort of like insulting their intelligence. It will look forced and fake.

 

Its only when the distance grows that the changes will feel real. It wont seem like a last ditch effort, it will seem more natural and real. With one ex she saw me as a very weak emotional man, afterward (1.5 year later, another 7 months) they didnt even remember the biggest reason they left, they couldnt compute the new me to the old me, they erased what i was as a possible mistake in their judgement- (so the new me was really the return of the person i was when they first were in love). And i wont lie, i said excuses to kill off this old-but-bad me, "yeah, i was emotional because of xxx that had nothing to do with you, i had a rough time that time, (laugh), i agree with everything, i wasnt ready to deal with a relationship BACK THEN."- this was actually pretty true in many ways.

 

I was talking to a friend about his BU (a poster from here), and this is what i told him to do;

 

Me: show up to this place with a girl around your arm (why, they are both young, and i hate to say this, but his girl has obvious insecurity issues, she chases what makes her happy for the moment, she seeks validation on the strength of the person she has- i had a lot of these types of women so i felt pretty strong on my opinions)

 

him: ok, but...

 

Me: she left you... no but, it doesnt matter how you look now, right?

 

(week later)

him: she saw me with her, now shes contacting me and wants to see me

 

me: ok, go for it, be careless, dont chase

 

(weeks later everything went well, they slept together, she wants to work on herself for him it seems, as in the possibility of therapy... but then he keeps throwing in insecure things, "who is this guy?" "where are you going, how come you didnt call?")

 

One of the major fights was due to his insecurity of being controlling and jealous (if i remember correctly), he went right back to this, any slight hint of this... and its curtains closed. Thats weakness, at least thats how his ex saw it as. I also warned that it was too soon too fast, and this behavior is unforgivable, she will see right through this, and its not enough time to burn into his memory.

 

Now, i dont want to say i have the answers to everything, because i dont. So i dont coach, if i were so wise i would have gotten my recent ex back, which i didnt. Also, for those private messages i am receiving, you are better off reading this post and applying it, i rarely divert from this.

[Sanders24]

When you pick up a call and hint at your changes- they might take it as "forced", no matter how subtle you do it (this goes for the person who pushed away too-though for them i do agree with Light contact). Its hard for them to transition their thoughts from the you-that-they-rejected to the 'back to the new but really was somewhat the person they first liked-you' if only a few days/weeks have passed. It sort of like insulting their intelligence. It will look forced and fake.

 

Yeah, I agree.

 

I did think about this pretty much and, in my case, I have no intention to put myself in some kind of a bragging showroom just so she or anybody else could pick up those changes. They are currently in the process mainly for myself and Im not analyzing who will like them or why.

[EgoJoe]

Thor: This last follow up is gold too. It is so true. It really is all about investment and control. Ego games are not the foundation of a healthy relationship...but they create attraction and if you can trascend the attraction part when the time comes, you can repair, promote and create healthy relationships.

 

The time aspect is so crucial because you really do have to be over them. No heart pounding when they contact, no obsession and no apprehension. I myself am almost there...I am somewhat creeped out that she responded so quick and probably called from a blocked number 15 mins after she replied.

 

But, I'm so detached that while not completely over it. I have yet to read what she said. Her, on the other hand after all of this time she read it in the AM and 5 minutes later responded and then 15 minutes after that PROBABLY called.

 

I am not expecting anything good, heh, Thor knows what I said. But, think of it as the MOST mature way to speak your piece.

 

Laugh out loud, Thor, "I am really disappointed in you." hahaha.

 

To everybody reading this. Remember the healing part, remember the working on yourself is for you...it is ok to have an ulterior motive but remember your primary motive is for you. To the guys whos girls come back and want to "take it slow" I will always say, date them, don't have sex with them whenever they want, say no a lot, cancel dates and date others. Why? Because someone who has turned you in to an option should be just that, it is not games IMO it is merely equal treatment.

[EgoJoe]

Yeah, I agree.

 

I did think about this pretty much and, in my case, I have no intention to put myself in some kind of a bragging showroom just so she or anybody else could pick up those changes. They are currently in the process mainly for myself and Im not analyzing who will like them or why.

 

Sanders, what did her last two emails say? Go as close to verbatim as you can. I know you paraphrased one to me already but...I have the time now and Thor has a great perspective as well (I have been seeking his opinion recently because I am still attached to a degree).

[CMS]

Now, i dont want to say i have the answers to everything, because i dont. So i dont coach, if i were so wise i would have gotten my recent ex back, which i didnt. Also, for those private messages i am receiving, you are better off reading this post and applying it, i rarely divert from this.

 

Now you got me curious, what did you do to mess that up?

[ZackMorris]

EgoJoe and Thors. The men of the hour. Please give me your advice.

 

I am 4.5 months post breakup. Been dating girls. Gymming it up. Was feeling pretty good. Thinking I didn't even want her back (I'm still not sure, but read on).

 

I did what Thors calls a good "PR campaign" and decided to disappear (Thors you also had recommended this in PM form after her and I had a pretty semi-successful meet up in December). This was punctuated a few weeks ago with me doing a huge "man move" and just deciding to pay off a giant bill between us that we were handling together. I did it mostly to just cut that tie completely cause I was sick of dealing with her in any form. It was even more impacting because part of her beef with me was that she was feeling like my mom towards the end, thinking she was taking care of too much. So me doing that was like the ultimate trump card. But that wasn't my motive at the time.

 

She wrote me a profusely thanking me email that I ignored, then days later she sent me a text that said "you have no idea how much this means to me. youre still the best man I know."

 

Those words hold so much weight--that was her favorite thing to say to me. It was her rationale for why she wanted to marry me. When we used to talk about it she'd say "because you're the best man I know."

 

I responded to that text 2 days later just telling her it was no problem and that her message meant a lot. That's all. Zero contact since then.

 

How the hell do I proceed? You guys both advised that I ditch this broad after the way she acted post breakup. But I'm finding myself pretty messed up the last few weeks over this text. If I'm being honest with myself I know I still want to explore what a reconciliation would look like. The fact that she wrote that is an even bigger deal cause I know she's been dating, including maybe an ex-bf of years ago who was sniffing around again a few months after we split. So none of those guys are at the forefront right now, or obviously not having that much of an impact, for her to write that.

 

What are your thoughts?

[Thorshammer]

I dont remember your situation, i used to get my PM box flooded, its impossible to remember. If its because you pulled too much, or just flat-out lost attraction due to your behavior, then as i already wrote in my first post;

 

 

 

Now, you already cycled back to hurt with this contact, so this will probably open up another world of hurt for you.

 

Also...

 

 

 

I cant pretend to know your relationship with her, or how you both communicated. Hence why all of this should be adapted to your personal situation.

 

But, going back to my first quote, i would reach out on friendly terms. Try to find something that reminds you of her, and text her and tell her hows she been, that you were curious because something reminded you of her today. This is pretty innocent, it doesnt mean you are fixated on her since this was a recent thought that pushed you to contact, not a prolonging desire to contact her. Or, if you have something, like another payment that needs contact, then contact her about it and gauge her reaction (I am paying the last bill, just letting you know) I would personally prefer this, i intentionally left a 200 dollar bottle in my ex's house for this, and i held on to my ex's sons blanket- these are called "seeds" that you plant for conversation.

 

But, its up to you. Her text doesnt really mean much, i know it has sentimental value, but it doesnt have enough substance to provoke any action when i think of it (up to you if you interpret this as a green-light). So, its a risk to cycle back to hurt again.

[EgoJoe]

EgoJoe and Thors. The men of the hour. Please give me your advice.

 

 

I think that Thor deserves a little more kudos than myself (rep him). I am a little more off-handish and approach things through a personal perspective filter.

 

Now, as far as advice. Same advice for you as Sanders, make your efforts visible and do what Thor says whether it was too much of this or that. If it is both and it is a middle ground issue then you'll be better served by balancing things out. In that type of situation you reply friendly, non-commital and non-interested. That way you are not pushing for anything and you are also pulling away. She might think you're moved on but in reality you have to do that anyways and walking the middle ground is the only way to promote that balance you were lacking.

 

If she doesn't initiate for months well...you can try to strike up a convo as a friend. Ask for nothing, volunteer nothing and just say, "Yo." but once again this is advice for the middle ground both needy and avoidant at times etc.

[Thorshammer]

Now you got me curious, what did you do to mess that up?

 

My ex had depression. Imagine this... you pulled too much (needy and clingy, mostly because --->) but still somehow I "suffered" because according to her i am pushing away? Very confusing situation, i couldnt figure her out during the relationship, its no surprise i wouldnt be able to figure her out after it. My actions and words meant nothing, she couldnt compute it for anything, her mind worked differently.

 

So, due to the confusion, i switched from two different approaches, and it was all a joke and even i was confused at myself. I did both the actions of someone who is trying to re-attract due to pulling too much, and trying to fix his behavior of someone who pulled away too much. Regardless, none of that matters because she got into my facebook and read how my ex's wanted me back (because they were sending me a lot of messages chasing me), how angry i was at my ex and how dumb and naive she was for leaving me (I was obviously angry as this was close to after the BU), etc, so this hurt all chances. It was a bunch of confusing bs.

 

To this day i still dont know what approach i should have done. Hence why i always say, if they have mental issues, then thats a whole different ball-game.

[Sanders24]

Sanders, what did her last two emails say? Go as close to verbatim as you can. I know you paraphrased one to me already but...I have the time now and Thor has a great perspective as well (I have been seeking his opinion recently because I am still attached to a degree).

 

this is the essential stuff from first mail;

 

she expressed her anger because I suddenly changed (workout, socialising, going out...) and wonders where the hell have I been till now?

that this BU was maybe the best thing that happened to me

that altought she stopped missing me as a boyfriend some time ago, she didnt have the courage to end it because I was her half etc etc

that shes very sorry that our 8 years ended in this ugly way

that shes angry at me for being so sluggish and angry at herself because she didnt do something to work it out

that shes terribly sorry for losing such a person

that shes angry because everything is lost but obviously it couldnt be otherwise

and that she doesnt want from me to respond because she doesnt want me to think that shes keeping me as some reserve

 

second mail one day after my b-day;

 

She mails me that shes been thinking for a few days if she should send me a mail for my b-day and that she finally decided to do it (tough one day after) wishing me happy b-day with delay and includes this;

 

"I would write all sorts of stuff but you are so distant/far now and I think thats not wise at this moment..."

 

50days of NC, I never responded anything.

 

For all I know, shes still with a new guy, but dont know. I wasnt stupid to seek any information about her.

[EgoJoe]

I think you would do well to keep doing what you're doing, Sanders. I don't see questions about you. I just see statements, assumptions and her talking to herself.

 

Hopefully some others will chime in.

[Sanders24]

I think you would do well to keep doing what you're doing, Sanders. I don't see questions about you. I just see statements, assumptions and her talking to herself.

 

The only thing why I thought about answering that last mail with simple "Thanks" was that I didnt wanted to act somewhat childish and not responding to this b-day wish and I would probably answered it, BUT, that stuff at the end of the mail;

"I would write all sorts of stuff but you are so distant/far now and I think thats not wise at this moment..."

 

that really stopped me from responding anything, it didnt sat well with me and actually pulled me back a few healing steps and got me in a thinking mode about the purpose of that sentence. Thats when I opened a thread regarding this issue and the majority saw this as her just fishing/ego boosting/whatever and advised not to respond anything.

 

And as you, Im also still attached in some degree.

[EgoJoe]

She can't say that she doesn't like you chasing...but it is kind of obvious she expected you to do just that/friendzone yourself with false hope.

[Sanders24]

She can't say that she doesn't like you chasing...but it is kind of obvious she expected you to do just that/friendzone yourself with false hope.

 

Keeping in mind that shes with another guy, do you think shes doing that unconsciously?

 

Because knowing her, shes not the person that would do this kind of moves, but then again, she did surprised me badly with her moves during the BU.

[CMS]

Haha, ouch brother, I can relate to you, thats the down side of playing the attraction game, you tend to attract the immature ones more often than not

[Thorshammer]

Haha, ouch brother, I can relate to you, thats the down side of playing the attraction game, you tend to attract the immature ones more often than not

 

Every time you post I always end up mixing you up with egojoe, lol.

 

I never really played games with her like i did with other women. No games, no other women on the side that were on reserve, i kept it all natural. The day i met her i had an eye injury that i needed surgery to fix, i looked fugly, and she still liked me, which made me real comfortable. It was all natural. She never tried to feed me too much, like some girls who pretend to like what i like, or change what they say to attract me (oh yeah, i like horror movies now!).

 

I should have known something was messed up when we both got drunk and laid in bed and i told her lets do it again when she said she wanted to sleep and when i asked again she started randomly crying and yelling. I was sitting their "what ... the... whats wrong with you?" Then she made a big deal that i was too tired to go with her to a doctors appointment- crying about how i didnt care. The sad thing is, you know when they dont care about the relationship anymore when they stop going crazy- her normal behavior meant that her anxiety and issues died off, she saw me as someone less important. Then there was the back and forth of, "baaaaaby i neeeed you heeeereeee baaaabe" to, "i dont know.... i just have doubts (and its usually when things were going well and i was avoiding her many many triggers).

 

I am the only dude she broke up with, and i am the only dude that didnt break up with her, or use her, and who actually wanted a relationship with her. I used all these faults to heal, these are all things to look back on and use for your life-jacket to get out.

[lemonhaze]

Then there was the back and forth of, "baaaaaby i neeeed you heeeereeee baaaabe" to, "i dont know.... i just have doubts (and its usually when things were going well and i was avoiding her many many triggers).

 

I am the only dude she broke up with, and i am the only dude that didnt break up with her, or use her, and who actually wanted a relationship with her. I used all these faults to heal, these are all things to look back on and use for your life-jacket to get out.

 

Man, this is all so recognizable from my BU. I still hope I can get a second chance with her someday, but with not having heard anything from her since the BU I really don't think that's going to happen.

[CMS]

I see a lot of similarity between your ex and my ex (the one that I was considering proposing to 10 months ago) they seem so normal to begin with, but they are holding some deep seeded insecurities, like they are pre-programmed to wait for the other shoe to drop. Oh well, time to move on again

[Thorshammer]

lemonhaze and cmswifty, did they have depression? My ex had the typical physical symptoms, she went to the doctor and the doctors told her nothing was wrong with her, that she needs to see a therapist instead. She would have highs and lows in her behavior, hated routine because in her own words, "it made her sad unless she was busy (which was no surprise when she came back from miami and broke up with me", would avoid people and hate everything, she also gets easy agitated. Her mother has really bad depression that she is on medication for it, so does her grandmother. She was also neglected by her mother due to her mothers depression and alcoholism.

 

She hates neglect and drama, but she chases that behavior more than when i am sweet and passionate. Anything good i have ever done she never remembers or brings up, she always had this cloud, and only remember the "bad" which she intensified. Also, her emotions i felt didnt match the reason, like getting mad when i left dishes in my sink in MY house- she acted like i just slapped her mother and cheated on her with her sister or something.

 

When she left i said, "wow, all i took from you, and i never walked out... (and i know this sounds messed up and bitter but... i was angry) and you dated cornballs dweebs who left you for other women, and I- considering myself a far better catch than they can ever be.. stood by you still in love... taking it ALL to the face... for THIS kind of ending???"

 

Any of this sounds similar to your situation?