How to TRY to get an ex back...

[duke nukem]

Wow, I wish I had seen this when I had broken up back in November after 1.5yrs. She said she couldn't be in a relationship with anyone right now, and we both cried a good deal during the break up. I did tell her I would change, but she said it can't be right now, maybe in the future.

 

Well a few hours after the actual break up, we were just hanging out like friends and having a great time. Sure I was still a little close, but I did take the first hint and stay platonic. We hung out a pretty good deal in December, doing what we had previously planned. We even kissed several nights, one night her being confused and not knowing if it was wrong, one being a very passionate night (Dec. 23) where she didn't care if it felt wrong, she loved me. Everything was going pretty well through January.

 

We had planned to wait for one another because we felt something special unlike anything before. Fast forward to last Sunday (5th), and now she wants us to be able to meet new people, and just enjoy being young, but not completely giving up hope or the idea of us being together if it's meant to be. I had a slight feeling a day or two before that that she was getting kind of close to another guy, but nothing serious has happened and I guess they're awkward around each other. Either way, I decided it would be good for both of us-especially me-if we went NC so that I could figure myself out and set my priorities straight, which is true, and I do intend to do so in order to heal.

 

Of course I have the hope that my ex and I may get back together due to our past, and if I do change. I'm not telling myself it is a guarantee, but I think it is helping with the transition. I'm just sort of hoping I do have a chance with her, and if so, I really am changed back to the man I was when she first fell for me.

 

P.S.- I know I (we) are young, but we're sort of old school, like the people who married their high school or first true love and remain happily married.

[drmcsugar]

Yeah, I totally understand how that feels, now that I've got my sanity back after the breakup obviously. I was becoming too selfish in this relationship and ignored his needs/feelings. I admitted, I lost my independence. And you're absolutely right. There were many times where I saw many aspects in my life weren't going anywhere, and I got freaked out, then I wanted to break things off with my ex-boyfriend. He was gentle, and he was always there telling me that things are going to be okay and we were going to get through it together. I was running away from the problems in my life, when my ex-boyfriend kept telling me to face it. I didn't want to date him; we started out as bootycalls, then things escalated, so I definitely saw me "losing myself as a person." My goals and future were changing as I continued to date him; I was confused, then I freaked the hell out, and brought stress upon him. However, lately, we weren't fighting about that anymore. We were fighting because of too much fighting, mainly small stuffs, only to realize now that I didn't appreciate and respect him enough. A few days before our break-up (however, I saw this conversation AFTER the break-up), I saw the conversation between him and his best-friend. He said things were going rough with us, and he can only stick around for so long. Apparently, he was planning on leaving me, but he gave me a lot of chances to make him stay, but his timeframe of sticking around "to see if things get better" is April 2012 (this conversation was a week before we broke up on Jan 21st - we also had broken up once that week). He also told his friend that, "Regardless of all the fights, I still find a lot of things that I like and love about her. We had a talk and I told her to not be down my throat about small things, and I want to be out with my friends more freely, and have her not rely on me. Sometimes you love someone so much, but you just have to make sure the bad doesn't outweigh the good." Admittedly, I wish I had seen this conversation earlier, so I would have known he was REALLY at the end of giving up on our relationship.

 

Anyway, he hasn't deleted me off his facebook, blocked me on his gchat, or anything to avoid me in particular. I told him that he'll have my emotional support (and I'll also move on) with everything he's going through right now, and he said he appreciates it. I am going on a date with someone who has been pursuing me for the past few months on Valentine's Day, do you think posting pictures (not overly intimate) with the guy/or flowers/or the date in general, will have any effect on my ex-boyfriend? When you found out that your ex-girlfriend moved on, did you want her back or hate her even more?

[Thorshammer]

Your ex sounds a lot like me, i said many times to friends that i need a way out, that i cant ever be 'good' to her. But, i was too in love to let go. There were times that things were so bad that i thought about reaching out to former friends who i knew liked me- i felt the exit was coming (from me, or both of us, i never thought from her, but this was a year before she broke up with me), and i didnt want to go through it being alone. I never went through with it though.

 

Posting a pic of you and this dude might be way too far with the playing of games- for both your ex, and this guy who might take it seriously and you would be leading him on.

 

I would... only because hes with someone else. Not only that, but i would cut communication with him completely unless talking to him helps you in some way.

[drmcsugar]

Your ex sounds a lot like me, i said many times to friends that i need a way out, that i cant ever be 'good' to her. But, i was too in love to let go. There were times that things were so bad that i thought about reaching out to former friends who i knew liked me- i felt the exit was coming (from me, or both of us, i never thought from her, but this was a year before she broke up with me), and i didnt want to go through it being alone. I never went through with it though.

 

You had said that you were leaving her once before and she begged for you earlier. How long did it take you to come back?

 

Posting a pic of you and this dude might be way too far with the playing of games- for both your ex, and this guy who might take it seriously and you would be leading him on.

 

I would... only because hes with someone else. Not only that, but i would cut communication with him completely unless talking to him helps you in some way.

 

Oh, I'm not worried about the other guy that I'm going to be on a date with on Valentine's Day. I had told him that I'm not ready, and I merely see this outing as friends' hanging out. Last time, my ex and I hung out (5 days ago) after a 3-week period of very limited contact, we caught up and he told me he's taking it day by day moving on, and he took a girl on a date, but didn't see any connection with her afterwards. I told him about this guy also, but I also told him that I'm not ready to be with someone else, too. My ex told me that "we'll get there eventually." So I think he's really determined to move on with his life without me. I've been posting pictures of me going out partying, having fun, living my life to the fullest and really avoiding saying anything upsetting or involved sad break-up lyrics. But I haven't seen my ex coming around still (almost a month since the break-up). So I figured, I may just post pictures of the restaurant or the flowers or anything that hints I got a date on Valentine's Day - to see what he'd react to it. I've heard a lot of dumpers get bitter when this happens because they think that they don't matter or the dumpes just try to make them jealous. But, I've also heard plenty of good stories that the dumpers start to come around when they realize they're beginning to lose their exes. I don't know what would work in my situation because we didn't break up because one of us was having commitment issue. We broke up because we had crazy fights and he didn't see himself being with me anymore, then, that he couldn't "do this any longer."

[Thorshammer]

You had said that you were leaving her once before and she begged for you earlier. How long did it take you to come back?

 

Same day, lol. She stopped me after i spent like an hr wrapping up all the stuff i lent her. From that point on i tried to work for us - and once she broke down I told her i wanted to work on things, and that i would have probably called as i got home anyway- i wouldnt have ended it.

 

We did break up once. I went to a party and met someone and we got intimate. The next day i felt that i was too in love with my ex to want anyone else (it was a cold feeling to wake up to another woman that wasnt her, i can never explain that- and sometimes i think if my ex doesnt feel that now or whenever she gets intimate with someone else, then she wasnt for me), I worked up my way to get back my ex and got her back.

 

Oh, I'm not worried about the other guy that I'm going to be on a date with on Valentine's Day. I had told him that I'm not ready, and I merely see this outing as friends' hanging out. Last time, my ex and I hung out (5 days ago) after a 3-week period of very limited contact, we caught up and he told me he's taking it day by day moving on, and he took a girl on a date, but didn't see any connection with her afterwards. I told him about this guy also, but I also told him that I'm not ready to be with someone else, too. My ex told me that "we'll get there eventually." So I think he's really determined to move on with his life without me. I've been posting pictures of me going out partying, having fun, living my life to the fullest and really avoiding saying anything upsetting or involved sad break-up lyrics. But I haven't seen my ex coming around still (almost a month since the break-up). So I figured, I may just post pictures of the restaurant or the flowers or anything that hints I got a date on Valentine's Day - to see what he'd react to it. I've heard a lot of dumpers get bitter when this happens because they think that they don't matter or the dumpes just try to make them jealous. But, I've also heard plenty of good stories that the dumpers start to come around when they realize they're beginning to lose their exes. I don't know what would work in my situation because we didn't break up because one of us was having commitment issue. We broke up because we had crazy fights and he didn't see himself being with me anymore, then, that he couldn't "do this any longer."

 

Yes, this can come out forced, which is what i warned about on my first post. I have read that putting up pics of you with someone else might set off your ex's insecurities, and close their idea of having a fall-back, but nothing is 100%, this could backfire.

[EgoJoe]

We did break up once. I went to a party and met someone and we got intimate. The next day i felt that i was too in love with my ex to want anyone else (it was a cold feeling to wake up to another woman that wasnt her, i can never explain that- and sometimes i think if my ex doesnt feel that now or whenever she gets intimate with someone else, then she wasnt for me), I worked up my way to get back my ex and got her back.

 

I know exactly what this feeling is.

[lanaa]

what is the advice if you want your ex back,but he is in a relationship(rebound)? i have been in NC for 3 months and i broke it to wish him a happy birthday,and ever since that we have mailed eachother in a friendly way..so should i continue ?

[EgoJoe]

what is the advice if you want your ex back,but he is in a relationship(rebound)? i have been in NC for 3 months and i broke it to wish him a happy birthday,and ever since that we have mailed eachother in a friendly way..so should i continue ?

 

 

More details on the emails, please. Cursory advice, would be to stop.

[lanaa]

its all very light and friendly really,first the mails were long and about what has changed in our lives since last time we spoke(3 months ago) now it is more updating about how the day went and such stuff.i tried to ignore his mail once and he wrote again.we write almost every day

 

it would be all great if i did not know he has a girlfriend

[Thorshammer]

I still stick by my first post, i know i wrote in the guys perspective, but its general for both genders.

 

thorshammer

If you pulled too much... hard situation. You need to push away yourself and show less interest. This is obviously not an ideal situation, and its hard to keep contact and attempt to re-attract, but not show too much interest. You need to avoid being their safety-net, this just boosts their confidence, and fuels their boldness to take extra steps with their new lover. You need to really display only friendship, but hint at attraction. You need to avoid some calls, cut convos short, etc. If you show you are interested and chase, then it will create a safey-net for her, dont do this... you are better off going NC if you cant handle it (I know i cant) and hope the relationship doesnt last.

 

I would pay attention to going nc if you cant handle it. This situation hurts.. a lot. You are willingly trying to put yourself in between, and i cant even imagine the anxiety and stress that might fill you up doing this.

 

Now, there is a darker side to things, which i posted a few pages back. Its where you continue friendships in hopes of working on your ex's current gfs insecurities (basically hoping he gets caught, or she fights him and the relationship becomes less stable) and you start to become his shoulder to cry on against her (this is manipulation, not nice). You build you case of change, and your build the case against his other lover. Its push and pull, and you pull when you have inside info that his current gf is pushing, and you push when she is not. Regardless, chances are you will still be seen as a safety-net, as a back up, the "trick can be on you" even if you think you are manipulating or being deceiving, and you seriously stunt your healing away from him.

 

But... if you succeed... what exactly are you winning back? It will not be the same man you had before, the perspective of both people change with experiences like these.

[EgoJoe]

Ok, Lanaa, my advice is to tell him that despite being fairly well adjusted and on your way to being completely moved on that you know he has a GF and refuse to be his friend in this type of situation. Tell him and I would write this word for word. "If you want to have your cake and eat it too, go to a bakery and leave me alone."

[Scuza]

"If you want to have your cake and eat it too, go to a bakery and leave me alone."

 

Quoted because I haven't laughed this hard because of a post in a long time.

[drmcsugar]

We did break up once. I went to a party and met someone and we got intimate. The next day i felt that i was too in love with my ex to want anyone else (it was a cold feeling to wake up to another woman that wasnt her, i can never explain that- and sometimes i think if my ex doesnt feel that now or whenever she gets intimate with someone else, then she wasnt for me), I worked up my way to get back my ex and got her back.

 

Tried this last night. It was a slap in the face waking up to a complete different guy than who I thought I had in mind. Rebounds do not work; and I'm back to missing him insanely. I thought I was over it/accepted it and started focusing on me. However, I always seem to do very well for only a few days and then back to where I was. It doesn't help that his friends are constantly trying to hook him up with different girls of his type - brunette, curvy, and bright smile; and I think he bit the bait. This brunette and he have been hanging out lately and she constantly posts on his wall (not like that is any of my business - he has the right to see others). I used to love competition, and now sheesh, I can't compare. With that said, I can't wait to check myself in a psych ward sometime soon, Thor D:

[Thorshammer]

I tend to be a bit negative so i have to censor myself with my replies to you, lol (even though I wrote a post about how to get you ex back- if you asked me if its worth getting them back- the answer is always a NO, and most times i laughed at my ex's coming back, and most of the time i just wanted them to chase). I know you seem to take things a bit hard considering how you behaved during the relationship with your ex so i dont want to go cold on my replies.

 

But, a rebound doesnt work for you because you are the dumpee. Despite what you might be entertaining in some part of your brain, you and him no longer share the same perspective of this break up (its hard to believe you are when you were broken up with). You need to work on yourself, you need to better yourself. So when you meet someone else, you can be a better person for a better relationship- you wont have a black cloud (what we like to call "baggage") hanging over you- where you can start new and free. Dont worry about what hes doing and who he is with, worry about yourself.

[CMS]

its all very light and friendly really,first the mails were long and about what has changed in our lives since last time we spoke(3 months ago) now it is more updating about how the day went and such stuff.i tried to ignore his mail once and he wrote again.we write almost every day

 

it would be all great if i did not know he has a girlfriend

 

Lanna, I read a few of your older posts and I know you still want him back but you are definitely not healed from the breakup, in essence, he has all the power and you are solid on the back burner, read the first post by Thor, stop mailing and try to move on, things tend to work itself out if you stop trying to make it work. But seriously, STOP mailing him.

[drmcsugar]

I understand. Surprisingly, I think I've taken this breakup much better than I anticipated. The coldest thing that I'm still slightly hung on was that it happened so ... quickly; and when it happened, it was done. The day before he snapped "It's over," we were still looking at apartment to move in together and he still said he still wanted to be with me, spend the rest of his life with me, and he wanted to try making our relationship stronger, although we were still having fights that whole December/January month. He had planned on sticking around for our relationship to get better till April (but I only knew this after the breakup) before really letting go and he was willing to try regardless of how much these fights hurt. Shame that we ended things before that. I was inexperienced with this, and I had thought it was just one of those fights/breakups we always had, then we'd make up the next day. I never knew he was really at the end of his rope; guess a person can only take so much. Now, that I realize what I've realized, truly apologized, and come my to my senses, he's determined to move on with another girl.

 

For the first 8 months we were dating (I guess I still had crazy doubts about this relationship and was never fully committed), everytime we broke up, I moved on very quickly with a rebound, and never looked back. He was always the one to come back begging. But this cycle reversed as I became more committed, and less independent. Nowadays, I try not to think about it, just doing my own things, trying to cope, and leave the rest on fate. If he really did love me like he said he could take a bullet for me, then he'll be back.

[lanaa]

Lanna, I read a few of your older posts and I know you still want him back but you are definitely not healed from the breakup, in essence, he has all the power and you are solid on the back burner, read the first post by Thor, stop mailing and try to move on, things tend to work itself out if you stop trying to make it work. But seriously, STOP mailing him.

 

 

What should i tell him? he will think it is weird i want to stop after all this time out of nowhere.And i do not want him to know i cant handle being just friend

[Thorshammer]

Yes, I agree that he would come back once the time pushed the comfort away. There were times i hated my ex, but i still loved her and wouldnt let her go. There were times where her emotions were so strong that i couldnt fathom her taking me back- so i would reach out to other women in panic, go out to bars with my friends to do things i dont normally do when i am in a relationship (just look at women and flirt)- but i never took it further and once she calmed down i went back. I doubted marriage, i actually lost the desire to have children because of her (it opened my eyes that you can love someone, have a negative relationship, but still stay together and i didnt want a kid around that), i went back and forth from thinking about moving in with her or not. There were times that i felt i got the short end of the stick with her, she is beautiful, when she wasnt fighting me she was very giving and sweet, but then she would ruin it by yelling at me because i dont kiss her enough, or i dont do xxx like they do in her romance novel??? I lost attraction for her fast with this behavior, she just seemed like an old lady, and i got tired of having to be the cheerleader for this relationship.

 

Its ONLY when she became distant (which i think was her losing attraction, or better yet- i lost my hold on her) that she stopped fighting me (when you have no feelings invested in someone, you dont care as much, a depressed person wont become as agitated and annoyed with someone they have no stock invested in) i fell for her because the fights stop, it probably pushed her away more... end... story...

 

I still feel she will blow it with the next one. Not only does she escape blame or doesnt realize it, but she lost me, her only bf to stay and take it, and i know she still loved me, that will work on her nerves and brain for a while- it will be a cycle with her, either now, or when she has kids and is married and it hits her.

 

If you want the best outcome of this, its development in you (fixing your anxiety and depression). That is your link to happiness, not any guy past, present or future. That is the greatest victory and take-away from this. I believe that once you develop yourself and become better, any normal relationship after that will be ages ahead of anything before, because now you can be involved with someone with a far better perspective to go along with it.

[endy]

Just wanted to add that this is a great thread. Especially for more of the realists out there. All I've ever said about getting your ex back is this. Give space and time. Heal (seriously a year should be minimum, but some heal quicker than others). Get yourself back confident and to where you were when you first met them. Drop them a line and see where it goes, but you should be fine by yourself at that point. The initial post goes into more detail which I agree with completely, especially the push/pull theory. At the same time this would apply to someone that didn't get cheated on etc. You should always value yourself more than to go back to someone that jumps to another relationship or cheats IMO. If you want that back then it's obvious that you don't value yourself enough, because someone that does honestly wouldn't make themselves a choice. Fix that first.

[CMS]

What should i tell him? he will think it is weird i want to stop after all this time out of nowhere.And i do not want him to know i cant handle being just friend

 

The question should be why are you putting some much stock in what he thinks of you?

 

If you cant handle being friends with him, then stop being friends with him, who cares what he thinks about you? disappear, heal from the breakup and do what makes you happy.

 

Tell him the truth if he asks why you stopped contact, tell him you are not over him and need more time to heal, and the only way to do this is to break contact, he will understand. Remember, its all about YOU now, focus on yourself and do what makes you happy and who cares what he thinks of you?

[lanaa]

The question should be why are you putting some much stock in what he thinks of you?

 

If you cant handle being friends with him, then stop being friends with him, who cares what he thinks about you? disappear, heal from the breakup and do what makes you happy.

 

Tell him the truth if he asks why you stopped contact, tell him you are not over him and need more time to heal, and the only way to do this is to break contact, he will understand. Remember, its all about YOU now, focus on yourself and do what makes you happy and who cares what he thinks of you?

 

I know that would be the healthiest thing to do,but my ego just wont allow it! as silly as it sounds,i know my ex,and he would only feel better if he knew i cant talk with him because of that.

 

i tried ignoring him once,but he wrote to me again,so i replied.i guess i could wait and see what happens? it is only friendly chat nothing more

[TomboyMS]

Endy! It's good to see you back!

[endy]

Endy! It's good to see you back!

 

Back, Just not going to be in the capacity I was before

 

I jump on when I get a chance.

[drmcsugar]

Yes, I agree that he would come back once the time pushed the comfort away.

 

Doubt it. This is the first time we ever broke up and stayed uncontacted seriously this long. First week after the BU, he was crying in my arms sobbing still wanting to let me go. Third week, when we met again for friendly lunch, he stopped crying, has straightened up, and was serious about letting me go/accepting the past. He's now also determined to move on slowly as he had told me he doesn't want to be back with me (also first time ever). Hell, I wouldn't want to be back with me either, now that I had the pain-free freedom. But then you know, I'm also negative as hell lol. He did come back with his ex-serious-girlfriend once or twice after a few months as bootycalls/then he wanted to try again from there, though. Our relationship also started as bootycalls only because at the time, that was all the emotion I could handle lol. I wasn't his rebound, though.

 

Its ONLY when she became distant (which i think was her losing attraction, or better yet- i lost my hold on her) that she stopped fighting me (when you have no feelings invested in someone, you dont care as much, a depressed person wont become as agitated and annoyed with someone they have no stock invested in) i fell for her because the fights stop, it probably pushed her away more... end... story...

 

So I guess, distance kinda worked, but ended up not working anyway? lol. I mean, now I realize what I've realized, I'm open to the possibility of us getting back in the future, or at least being on good terms, but it is kind of sad, because whenever he's reminded of me, he'll probably think of all the negative aspects of the relationship (although I did sincerely apologize and agree to the BU - he said 'thank you' to that), so I hope we haven't already burnt the bridges. He kissed me one last time and told me to take care of myself; and that he doesn't hate me; he accepts the past and cherishes them.

 

If you want the best outcome of this, its development in you (fixing your anxiety and depression). That is your link to happiness, not any guy past, present or future. That is the greatest victory and take-away from this. I believe that once you develop yourself and become better, any normal relationship after that will be ages ahead of anything before, because now you can be involved with someone with a far better perspective to go along with it.

 

Yuppie. Hence, I'm seeing a psych, although I'm not fully open to letting him go completely yet. Sounds silly, but I still believe he's THE one for me; no one would put up with so much crap I create for so long, ya know? In a way, I'm happy this BU happens, so that I really know I've got some issues and it was hurting the people I truly love. If we had gotten back together like everytime we fought, this would bound to happen again anyway; no wonder he said he doesn't see a future with us anymore. I also went out on a first date with a guy last night, I didn't feel bad about it like last time. I, in fact, started to feel good about moving on. Then I went home, went to bed, and then woke up to nightmares of my ex/his friends going off on me. Then I began to wonder what/who did he do last night, he's moving on with another girl it seems like. I had some crazy urge to check on him, but I chose not to, because everytime I did, I became more depressed (because his friends have been hooking him up with girls of his type, or he's been going on dates, moving on as well). I want to block him on my facebook, but I also don't want him to think I'm bitter/care too much - and god, I'm open to the possibility that we'll get back together in the future, when I'm a normal person again, hence, blocking him wouldn't help that. So yeahhhhhh. I think most of your exes pull the trigger so quickly. There were times I felt exactly the way you described: scared, losing myself as a person as the relationship continues, anxious of not being assured, etc... I'd break off and want to be alone, but I learned NOT to "shut down" (as my ex-boyfriend called it) later because my ex-boyfriend told me it was hurting him a lot, so I stuck around, calm down (not easy - once, this feeling lasted for 2 months), and things got better. Some people are worth fighting for, you know?

[EgoJoe]

What should i tell him? he will think it is weird i want to stop after all this time out of nowhere.And i do not want him to know i cant handle being just friend

 

It has nothing to do with handle just that you won't accept less. Just say, "Look I've reevaluated my life and having you as a friend is not a priority to me for obvious reasons. All the best, peace."