Day 3 NC
Day 7 BU
Feels like forever, but I do know better. I have no desire to contact him. I know that I want him back, it's a constant, nagging, needy desire, but I also realized that I should embrace the fact that I only want him on my terms. I want everything, or nothing at all. I want it all, and, dammit, I deserve it all, because I am prepared to give as much of myself to the one who deserves it. This relationship was toxic, because I allowed it to be so. It was my choice, and I blinded myself into thinking that it was okay to compromise so much of myself, that that was "what relationships are supposed to be about", that there was no place for pride or individuality in a relationship. I closed my eyes to his shortcomings, even fooled myself into believing that I must love him 'coz I accepted him for who he was. I know in my mind that my logic was severely flawed, and that he had forgotten my value because I was so accommodating to him. God, how is it that when women are selfish, men fall for them. Yet when we allow them into our lives, actually care about them, they start losing their respect for us. Are we forever doomed to the cyclical pattern of game-playing in order to truly experience the beauty of love?
These are the questions I would like to answer one day. But not tonight. Tonight, I have a heavy rock in my chest, weighing me down, but I am not crying hysterically anymore, nor am I scouring the internet for easy-fixes that I know will only waste my money.
Also, I am scared. He was supposed to bring my things over last night, so I stayed away from my house. He didn't. Now I'm feeling weird, and wondering how the hell I can facilitate getting my things back. I don't want to spend every day being afraid that it will be 'the day'. I don't want to worry about who's at my door, or what I'll find dumped at my doorstep when I get home. At the same time, I also don't want to initiate conversation of any kind, including anything business-like. It's too early, I'm too prone to being hurt. But what about my thiiiiings? Btw, if this was just random stuff, I wouldn't want them back. But it includes transcripts from other countries I studied at, text books, recommendations, work paraphernalia, etcetera. >.
On another note, I need to create a gratitude list. In the one week since I haven't been with him, so many blessings and accomplishments have come my way. I just gotta motivate myself to finally enjoy them.