Please Help Me Keep My Feet on the Ground - Getting to Like the New Man a Lot

[chitown9]

Thanks for the update, Silver. Glad to hear that today was a brighter day for you!! Happy Birthday!!! ....... chi:smiley_simmons:

[Silverbirch]

Hi again Chi and thanks. I did post a message which didn't seem to post, but sorry if I'm repeating myself. Had a lovely afternoon and evening with David who is getting back on top of things. We just did the couple type things and it was very cosy. The ex texted me a birthday greeting, but I haven't replied. I'm completely indifferent to him now.

 

Taking my cat to the vet in a couple of hours to help her go to her final sleep. It really is time. She is asleep most of the time now, still eating and not in obvious distress, but very obviously her little body is losing it's functioning. I'm burying her at my ex-husband's house in the garden where I lived many years ago. We're on good terms and he has been really nice. I feel like I have a lot of sleep to catch up on, and I might get to do this tomorrow finally.

[Carus]

The ex texted me a birthday greeting, but I haven't replied. I'm completely indifferent to him now.

God that must feel good..! I cant wait for that day and thanks for the continuing inspiration*

 

Happy BDay Dear Silver*

 

Carus* 8-)

[Silverbirch]

Heeyyy Carus,

How's the world with you these days? Yeah, I am definitely indifferent to the ex these days. I had organised to collect the rest of my things this Saturday (and take the dog for what will likely be the final time as she is old and declining fairly rapidly), but frankly, physically I'm not feeling so good right now and I'm busy. I texted back tonight. I texted that I put one of my cats down yesterday and got this sort of long text of condolence. A lot of people might disagree, but my thoughts on it were "Shallow B".

 

Unfortunately, things with David have taken another turn for the worste. He invited me over last night for a coffee on my way home from my son's. He's still very grumpy and by his own admission not doing so well as he is also very stressed about money. I tried to be supportive. Anyway, we were just engaged in general conversation and he started making all these really chauvanist remarks about women and weight - something I recently noticed before. Then the comments moved to women and using men for money. He did interject with "Just listen, I know you're an exception." He mentions, as he has before, a VERY attractive female client - younger than I am - of his (who is by the way married), saying he could never be with her despite her being attractive, having an interest in horses, and him liking her kids, because he would never be able to keep her maintained in the style she is accustomed to. Apparently, she spends all day playing with her horse as hubby is wealthy and she has all types of paid help and drives a VERY flash car. He was saying that a couple of weeks ago, she sought his advice on how to manage as a single parent - David brought his daughter up on his own. Reason being, that hubby was "giving her a bad time" about all the money she is spending on the horse. Then he goes back to see her (or maybe her horse), and she's all happy again because hubby has agreed to sell their home, and move to a flasher one, in a flasher area on a larger property which will suit her and her horsey lifestyle better.

 

He'd been telling me how I'm a great friend to him but by his own admission, extremely unattentive and wrapped up in himself. Some of the things he was saying were quite opposite to what he was saying a month ago. Like basically, I'm his mate, but doesn't seem like he has noticed that I'm actually a woman.

 

Anyway, when he was talking about this woman, I told him that he has actually brought her up about 5 times and I asked him why she would ask his advice on managing as a single parent - just me or does that seem a bit inappropriate for a woman to be asking of her farrier?? He got offended saying that me responding like that meant he wouldn't be able to discuss such things with me, and that if I didn't like it, I could go home. I went and got my handbag and left right then and there. I did get a text from him while I was driving home asking me to text him when I got home as I usually do to let him know I arrived safely. He signed off "L" (abbreviation for love) and his pet name. When I did get home, I texted back briefly, but heard nothing today and thinking I likely won't hear anything. Maybe in a couple of days, a week or so, he might text about my horses as they are due for a trim.

 

As far as the other woman thing goes, I've been in this situation before, especially with my most recent ex, and despite what he said at the time, yep, time proved that he had the hots for her and I believe was obsessed with her. No way, I am going to let myself be, let alone stay in a situation like that again - EVER. I will never let myself be a man's second, third or anything other than first choice ever again and I'll free any of them up so they can be available for these attractive younger kept women or any other types they want to be with.

 

I am sad and have had a few cries, but think enough of myself to see that despite David being unwell, he has been a real pain in the neck since he has been sick. Telling me to leave the house because I dared to question what he was saying was not reasonable as far as I am concerned. I hadn't yelled or spoken meanly to him, and I know for a fact that he wouldn't take it well if I had made similar observations on a man I work with. In fact, he had questioned me about passing comments I had made months ago about a male friend - one who is much younger than I am, who there has never been a sexual interest in from either side, and I have never inferred differently. I have also told him before that I have no interest in younger men which is the truth.

 

He has told me that he is finding being in a relationship difficult despite the fact that I have been bending over backwards not to be a burden of any kind to him and to support him in any way he asks. I believe he has been on his own for so long that he is so entrenched in his bachelor ways that being with a woman, no matter how easy-going is way too much for him. LOL, if he is finding me difficult, how the F would he manage with this younger, wealthy, attractive kept woman.

 

Anyway, I rested up today because I'm a bit run-down myself physically and going to make sure I'm right on top of things when I go back to work Monday. Got the uglies atm, but hopefully be on top of that in the next couple of days too.

[Carus]

Well I agree...It wasn't the best of nights no, but I can see that even if this doesn't work out that you're gonna lean on all those lessons you've learned and be totally fine...

 

And just for the record, I think he's being a bit over the top as well....

 

It's my bday on wednesday...I will light a candle for you Silver*

 

I know you will do whatever is right for You*

 

((Hugs))

Carus* 8-)

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Carus, you are Scorpio too!!!! Happy Birthday and thanks for the candle and your encouragement. xx

[Batya33]

"He has told me that he is finding being in a relationship difficult despite the fact that I have been bending over backwards not to be a burden of any kind to him and to support him in any way he asks. I believe he has been on his own for so long that he is so entrenched in his bachelor ways that being with a woman, no matter how easy-going is way too much for him. LOL, if he is finding me difficult, how the F would he manage with this younger, wealthy, attractive kept woman. "

 

Is it possible the difficulty for him is maintaining and developing his attraction for you while you continue to bend over backwards for him and walk on eggshells/tiptoe around him? I realize he is sick, but his passionate diatribe against that other woman (and I bet her version and lifestyle is a bit different than he describes)makes me think the man does protest too much -that he actually enjoys the challenge of a difficult person, it's a turn on for him. I think you should be you - of course don't become difficult to turn him on but I would stop being the nursemaid/martyr/bending over backwards person and see if he starts to see you as more of a romantic partner as opposed to a friend/mommy/therapist, etc.

 

I apologize if I misinterpreted as I haven't read through the whole thread. Good luck.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Bataya and thanks. I really don't know what to think. I will certainly be myself and certainly no wishes to be a martyr. Well, I'm sure I haven't been a martyr but I said a lot less about some things which I thought appalling. Lately I noticed he would make very disparaging comments about women who were obese and has some very stereotyped views. By his own account, the person he has been of late is very different to the person I met and wanted to be with.

 

As for the other woman, it's very disappointing. Not sure I get your drift about her. Obviously, she must be drop-dead gorgeous for him to bring her up so often. I just don't get him, who he is or what he wants right now, and I don't feel good about that.

[Batya33]

My point on the other woman is that he complains about her values but perhaps he sees her as a challenge and finds it a turn on that she's not a nice person. Are you sure he's not the person you met or is it possible that you simply didn't know him well or know these sides of him well until now?

[Silverbirch]

I don't know Bataya. That's all too complicated for me. I'd say it's most likely that he simply finds her amazingly physically attractive and the fact that she isn't a nice person is a bit of a bother to him.

 

He's definitely been different since he has been sick, but as I've said in previous posts, we're still getting to know each other. Of course that process may be ended right now. I won't be compromising myself on this.

[Batya33]

I don't know Bataya. That's all too complicated for me.

 

Simply put. He is turned on by difficult women. You are the opposite of difficult -you are 110% available, jumping through hoops for him. That is a turn off to him.

[ebany]

Hey Silver, i dont think ive ever posted on here before. I forgot about this site until u mentioned it to me, so thought id come back for a look. wow ive had lot catching up to do lol. hmmm now about David, i am very disapointed in his behaviour , firstly wed was a very difficult and upsetting time for you, was he at all suportive? and as for telling u to go home if u didnt like him talking about this spoilt kept woman, omg silver, im so glad u left. what the hell is he thinking, is he trying to make you jelous? or does he really think it ok to share his veiws on her with you. That kind of stuff is for him and his mates to talk about, not the sort of crap to be discussing with you. Maybe next time he starts talking * * * * like that, tell him im not one of the boys i dont wanna hear it. I honestly cant say weather he is trying to wind you up about this woman or if he does have a thing for her, maybe its a case of he knows hes safe to have these thoughts of her beacuse he knows he would never actually do anything about it and would never be with her. I still think he is scared of being in a serious realationship, but really he is a grown man and he should not be playing games with you. Geez silver whats not to like about you, i mean here he is single for like a million years, never thinking he would meet anyone, then ta da here is silver, a beautiful, caring, lovley woman, who has so many of the same interests as him he should be thanking his lucky stars to have met you. But please dear friend, dont think for one minute the same is true for you,any man is lucky to have a chance to be with you, not the other way around!!! yes he seems nice but if he is going to keep being a grumpy difficult SH it might be time to back off a little and let him do a little chasing, let him make some moves, i know that is way easier said than done but i think it sounds like you need to make him wake up and smell the flowers, make him sweat a little, if he is worthy of you he will come looking for you. God knows silver i am no expert on realationships lol but i have learnt a few things along the way. I hope you dont mind me coming in hear and ranting at you. I just couldnt bear to see you get hurt or used by a man again. I love you very much my friend xxx

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Ebany,

For fellow ENA's, Ebany is a wonderful friend of mine who came to stay with me for a couple of days from interstate. She lives in the SA equivalenet of where I am in Vic, loves horses and animals and a terrific person. She met David, and he thinks she's a lovely person.

 

When I woke up this morning, there was a text on my phone, the closest to an apology any person in the world will ever get from David, but also really, it was a justification and saying also that he wouldn't blame me if I never want to see him again because he knows he is a difficult person, but he never justifies himself to ANYONE. I texted back and then thought, "Stuff it, nobody dumps me by text" so I rang him.

 

It was really mostly more of him justifying himself. What he did say, and what I agree with is that in many ways we are total opposites. All of his life, he has worked with machinery and more recently animals (but Ebany has worked with animals for many years also). He doesn't handle people well if he has to spend more than an hour with them. He's not good with words. Emotions are not something he tends to ponder about. He's not romantic. Yeah Ebs, I really don't want to hear about any of that sexist stuff or some other silly woman who needs a sugar daddy.

 

I asked him if his text was his way of dumping me, and he claimed no, that wasn't what he was saying. He told me he loves me and that I am first and foremost a great friend to him who has stood by him through a difficult time. Grrrr. I wanted to know if I was more than a friend and he was like "Yeah, of course, you're my girlfriend and I couldn't and wouldn't have more than one woman at a time coz poor bub couldn't cope with that. Made a big thing also about how he has nothing to give right now because he is struggling so hard to just get out of bed and he has bills pouring in all over the place and needs to work.

 

I'm part p'd off and part relieved, but I absolutely agree with you Ebs that I need to back off from him. He said he wants to ring me this afternoon. I didn't invite him around or anything. In a way, I feel a bit like he has me where he wants me, but not really. I admit I do love him, despite the fact that I'm uncertain whether he is ever going to be an easy person to be with.

 

Ebs, I've been feeling so ugly. The cut accross my face has healed, but I got a second lot of blisters, but these seem to be going with Aloe Vera and Manuka honey. Booked myself in to the hairdresser tomorrow. Today I sort out all my finances and hopefully within 2 weeks will have enough money to be able to afford to move home.

 

I loved the pics you took. Thanks especially for the one you took of Tink. It will be part of my little memory treasures of her. I hope you enjoyed the trip and next time around I will be in my own place so you can bring as many dogs or whatever as you want and we won't have H the Huntsmen hanging about. LOL to other ENA's. When the housemate saw Ebs, he was very pervy and Ebs words were, he behaved like "Oh my, fresh meat!". Ebs, I hope you will come here more often. I REALLY appreciate your reply.

 

Hopefully this pic that Ebs took a few days ago will post. xxxx

 

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[Silverbirch]

OMG, does God REALLY exist and is the universe taking care of me or is this a mistake - I just discovered an extra $1500 in my bank account!! If this isn't a mistake, I can possibly be gone out of this place within 2 weeks.

[ebany]

hey silver, wow thats great about the xtra money, you will be able to seriously start looking for place of your own now, i really hope u can get somewere that u can have the ponies, but if not there are plenty of agistments around, it will be so good for you to have your own place. Im sure the blisters on your face are from stress Im glad u like the pic of Tinks, she will be happily running around at rainbow bridge now, but i do know how much u miss her. Now as for David, i think hes being a wanker, Jo hes not stuck for words with ppl, he talked ok with me,i live by myself with just my animals and i dont think of myself as a ppl person, but i do relate to ppl and can hold a decent convo when i need to. I think David is maybe similar in that respect, i mean he has freinds he visits, his pilot club and he has to talk to lots ppl when doing their horses. I know he is very stressed about money and not being able to work and being in lots pain, but that is still no escuse for treating u so * * * * ty. Im thinking maybe the best thing to do for now is concentrate on yourself and finding somewere nice to live. Im also thinking David is starting to sound like hes taking you for granted a bit, yep step back for a while and let him do some work at this realationship. You both have enough in common to be compatible, but you are you and he is him, you dont have to have everything in common, but he does need to respect your opinions a bit more and to stop telling you about this other silly biatch, maybe hes just telling you about her to see what your reaction is. But * * * * id be really pissed off too, if he cant understand why you are pissed off then he needs to go away and do some serious thinking. Its beautiful day here, i just took dogs out for a run, and gave ebany and nadi some hay and took ebs rug off, they are enjoying the sunshine. Im still waiting on the banks descision, its driving me insane, but i have faith that i will get my loan and all will turn out just how i want ok bye for now take care (((((((())))))

[Silverbirch]

Firstly, sorry Bataya, I wasn't ignoring your posting and thank you. I was so surprised to see Ebs posting, I jumped right in there without thinking. Yes, I think probably with a lot of people, especially men, when they know you are fully available - they lose interest.

 

I received a personal message from an ENA member here who I hadn't met before which I greatly appreciated, and she told me about her partner who is so much like David.

 

I went down into Melbourne to see my accountant, and I really do have lots of my own to sort out. It's also a lovely day here, but I can't go into the sun because of the blisters although they are improving. You could be right, they might be from stress, and I feel much more haggard and lined than usual. If I could afford it, I'd go right back to the doc and get some more Botox. I love the stuff and wish I could afford it all the time.

 

My car seems to be my office for sorting out my emotions, and I realised while I was driving home that I've NEVER received genuine love and affection from any man in my whole life. That really eats away at me - I think I've always known that, just haven't put it into words. I really feel like I missed out on a lot.

 

Yeah, you could be right about him holding a conversation, but he did say to me this morning that he has a lot of friends he has known for many years and after an hour or so, he finds himself feeling uncomfortable and wanting to get away from them. Go figure. There is something about him I'm certain of though. He was brought up in an all female household. His father left them when he was quite young and he has 4 sisters. All of them are very clever - 2 of them have science pHd's, and he felt like they were always trying to boss him around. When I met his mother, I was expecting this little silver-haired lady, but WOW, she is attractive and looks 20 years younger than she is and is very with it. She must have been a strong person to bring up the 5 kids on her own, and apparently she took them all on holidays even though they didn't have much money. He's close to at least 2 of his sisters, but there's that thing which isn't really love/hate - that's way too extreme, but I'm sure he's quite terrified of being dominated by other people, especially women. I know it's offensive to psychoanalyse people, to me it's offensive too - after all, my ex was a psychologist. Just between us, I think David is quite Oedipal. A nurturing type of woman would likely be quite uncomfortable for him at times. He also said to me the other night that he loves me doing the reflexology and it helps him a lot, but he feels strange about the fact that it has the result of causing him to go into a half-sleep and talk gibberish nonsense.

 

I don't feel well enough in myself to be seeing David right now. I need some time away from him, not to just get things done, but to sort out how I feel and not feel so emotional if I'm around him. I need to feel less emotionally attached to him, and I'm going to give him the space to get well and get back on track.

 

It will be interesting to see if when he does get physically well again if he reverts back to the man who I fell in love with. I was looking at that photo I took before he got sick, and he doesn't even look like the same person.

 

I have to go buy some hay,give Fuzzie a bath, and when the sun goes down a bit, I'll take the horses on the road. Hope you have a great day and that your allergy clears soon too. xxxx

[Carus]

Yes, I think probably with a lot of people, especially men, when they know you are fully available - they lose interest.

Only the emotionally immature ones ;-) (sry David heh)

My car seems to be my office for sorting out my emotions, and I realised while I was driving home that I've NEVER received genuine love and affection from any man in my whole life. That really eats away at me....

Yeh ditto....except from girls...lol

 

I guess we are lucky enough to have been so deeply cut in recent times that we can now look more for what it is we want from an RS...without compromising who we are*

 

I get lonely sometimes, but I would still rather be single than caught up in some whirlwind up and down cr*ppy RS..100%..!

I don't feel well enough in myself to be seeing David right now. I need some time away from him, not to just get things done, but to sort out how I feel and not feel so emotional if I'm around him. I need to feel less emotionally attached to him, and I'm going to give him the space to get well and get back on track.

One of the strongest and most self-aware things I've read on these forums..! Very admirable Silver*

 

Well exams in 2 weeks and then thats the first year of my degree down! Who woulda thunk it huh? lol

 

Peace Everyone.

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

[ebany]

hey Silver, firstly sorry i didnt get chance to bath dear little fuzzy, but he will love a bath from his mummy with that lovley oatmeal soap u got him Well i must say you sound very strong and aware of whats going on with david, good for you, never settle for less than waht you are worth. also what does Oedepal mean ? lol is it something to do with being dependent on others? I hope those pesky blisters soon go away and u can get out and enjoy some sunshine. xxx Ebs

[Silverbirch]

Heeeyy Carus, You're a Legend! Here I was thinking I was almost the only person in the world who felt and experienced that.

 

Hugs Eb, well I gave Fuzzie a bath with the oatmeal and groomed him in front of the heater and he was so chilled. He looks a real little ball of white fluff right now and seems exhausted from it all. Bought some hay and just had a little play with the ponies. Didn't get enough time to take them out on the road today, but I did manage to go and get a small cheapy stereo system from Kmart.

 

Didn't hear anything from David and I didn't call him. Even though I don't want to, part of me is telling myself that I really should get myself out tomorrow night. I'll have a browse at Meet Up and at least see what is on. Thanks for the vote of confidence guys. I'm really not feeling strong at all, but trying to push myself to help myself. I know it could be my mind working overtime, but with the ex, he had told me he wanted a break because he didn't have the guts to tell me he wanted to break up. He was just planning on doing the faze-out. Friggin coward he turned out to be. Could be David is doing the same but I'm not going to chase him or anything like that. Well, as we all know, I used to feel like I would never get over the ex, and as Ebs can confirm, earlier in the week, we sat about talking about our various exes, laughing and saying: "What were we thinking??????" Even though I feel like crap right now, I need to remind myself, I've gotten through worse with men and gotten over them, and I was with my exes much longer than I've been with David. Things seemed easier when he liked me a lot more than I liked him.

 

Well, the blisters are looking a whole lot better. The more recent ones only lasted a couple of days as I only put aloe vera juice from my fridge and manuka honey on them. The rest seems to be going now, and good chance they will be gone by tomorrow night.

 

I'm going to sit up and browse through some rental properties and see also what is on over the weekend I can get out and about to.

 

LOL Ebs, Oedipal is a Freudian theory about men. There is a female sort of equivalent named Electra Complex. In it's simplest form, it's related to an over-attachment to the female care-giver. There's a lot of silly stuff and interpretations on what Freud meant and also neo-Freudian versions, but as far as I can make out in my humble opinion, is that it results in a type of love/hate of women and a real fear of being dominated by women. In it's most extreme form, men can become homocidal or sexually violent towards women. In D.H. Lawrence's famous semi-autobiographical book, "Sons and Lovers", psychiatrists and academics, many of whom hold that book in high esteem say that Lawrence demonstrated an Oedipal Complex. Some male academics of English literature go as far to say it is the quintessential classic men's book which describes men at their heart. At the end of the book, Lawrence's mother dies. Those who knew him say that for a year after her death, Lawrence grieved deeply and writing that semi-autobiographical novel was a purging for him of his Oedipal Complex. In no other book written by him - many, maybe most, being either semi-biographic or at least based on people close to him, did Lawrence demonstrate an Oedipal Complex. I was actually more familiar with critiques on his later novel "Lady Chatterley's Lover". Some people believe that by then, Lawrence had become a "feminist" and advocate for women's rights, including sexual rights, changes to divorce laws and a whole heap of other rights and understandings. The book was banned until the late 1950's maybe 4- years after it was written. Lawrence lived in exile from England partly due to marrying a German woman, and their were public burnings of his books and beautiful modernist paintings. I'm surprised to be remembering all of this. At one time, I real almost everything I could get my hands on about Lawrence. I suppose my understanding of Oedipal is based more on a study of Lawrence than of the various more direct studies of Freud.

[ebany]

Hey Silver, its been very hot here today, so didnt do a lot mostly just watched horse racing on tv. i really wanted to see black caviar race, she is a beautiful horse and just won her 16th race in a row. I went out a little while ago and gave horses a brush while they had their dinner, ebs loves being brushed Hows your day been, aww i can picture little fuzzy fluff ball. I might go visit my niece tomorrow and see her new little pug puppy. Hows the house hunting going? hope you can find something you like soon. Have you heard from David, i was thinking about your situation today and had the thoughts of geeez this should not all be so stressful for you silver, getting to know someone and spending time with them should be fun, i know him being sick has thrown a spanner in the works, so i hope when he gets back to feeling better things will be easier and you can start to have some fun together im having quite night, i do lead the most exiting life lol but i like it this way well for now anyway.;-) take care my friend xxxx Ebs

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Eb,

Glad to hear you had a nice relaxing day yesterday. Yep, the weather was nice here too. I couldn't spend time in the sun due to the blisters on my face which are slowly healing. I spent a couple of hours at the hairdressers and pampering myself. I was feeling pretty down yesterday, not just about the current situation with David, but I think that triggered memories for me of my previous relationships going sour and role of other younger women in the demise of those relationships. Despite the fact that common sense tells me I need to hold tightly onto every cent I have right now, I rang the doctors surgery where they do the Botox here and was just going to drive all the way to South Yarra for some jabs in my forehead and around the eyes - a semi-instant fix to feel better. Anyway, the surgery was probably closed as nobody was answering the phone.

 

David has been contacting me on average twice a day and spoke with me for a fair while last night. He attended to 5 horses yesterday and was very tired last night though he said that was more from the driving - he'd had to travel a long distance. He sounds better in himself though due to the fact that he is earning money again although he said it's a huge effort for him to get out of bed.

 

I'm hoping he will continue to contact me by phone, but I didn't invite him around and even if he had invited me to his place, I wouldn't go. Right now, there's that real awareness that if I said anything at all he could take offence to, he'd just tell me to leave and I'm not putting myself in that situation or the situation of putting up with his abuse because that's what it is, and he knows he's been abusive too.

 

Harry the Huntsman Housemate was clearly attempting to be polite to me yesterday, and I responded briefly in like, however, I'm still keen to get out of here. I'm very sad about that too as I just love everything about living here except for having to share a house with a rude, disrespectful and moody man. I need to purge these men out of my life. Sad as it is for me, if David turns out to be the same, he's going to have to go too so I am really, really hoping that his behaviour is due to his illness and will resolve once he is well again. Maybe that's wishful thinking.

 

Because he was sick and broke at my birthday, once he is well and more financial, says he wants to take me for dinner at a lovely tavern in Toolangi. When I was last at his house, Fuzzie got really muddy and had his jacket on which I left at his place when I had to leave in haste. Each time he has contacted me, he has told me that he has washed Fuzzie's jacket which gave me a smile as he isn't generally too fussed about dirt or mud.

 

I agree about the getting to know a person phase - that it should be a lot more fun that what this has been. In deciding whether I want to stay with David, I need to also face that he is not the most romantic man in the world. He had told me that before I got together with him, but in those first few weeks together, he WAS very romantic - well I think anyway.

 

I don't want to see him until I feel on top of things and until I feel better about my appearance, I want as few people as possible to see me. Thanks for all that fruit you bought. I'm going to make some banana muffins and also put some of it through the juicer. Sorry we didn't get to eat it together.

 

In the later afternoon yesterday, I gave all of the ponies a hose down which they enjoyed. Of course they all rolled in the dirt afterwards. Jimmy is such a character. Quite a different little man to who he was when he first came here which wasn't that long ago. I've got them all in the Jenny Craig paddock atm due to the raised sugar levels in the grass from the sun and heat. Tildy has been seeking out affection more than usual so not sure if that's because Tink is not with us. They used to cuddle up together a lot. Last night when I went to feed them, it felt strange and sad Tink not being there. Even though she was old, there's still that part of me that asks myself if I could have done more for her. Even though I know euthanasia was going to be the best thing for her, and better to help her go peacefully before she was in severe pain, I felt like I was betraying her when I took her to the vet. She was purring and obviously liking the attention. It sounds silly I know. That's a task I hope I don't have to do again for a long time. Never would be best, but course, chances are I will outlive at least some of my furry family.

 

I've got lots to catch up on here before I go back to work tomorrow. That will probably be a good thing. Need to keep myself as busy as I can.

 

Anyway, I thought about your question about Oedipal and so preparing something which I will post soon. Hugs, xxxx

[ebany]

Hey silver, not quite so hot here today, but is very humid. i took boys over to vinyard for nice walk, ive really got to get serious about my exersise again and getting rid of these unwanted kgs. I just finished spring cleaning my bedroom and moved everything around, i have a huge beautiful pic of peagasus that i want to hang above my bed, but i cant find my charger to re-charge my drill !!!. How r u doing today, hmm not good that u have to tip toe around david for worry that u mite say something to set him off. have you told him you feel like this? i hope he gets his * * * * e together, you should be able to enjoy each others company with out worrying about what to say or not to say. You just be yourself silver and if he dont like it well ppffffttttt his loss. i know easy for me to say, but as long as you are true to yourself then i dont think you will go wrong. Back to work tomorrow for both of us i sure hope i hear some good news from bank this week, i will be beside myself if all my plans go down the toilet Ok back to my house work

[Silverbirch]

The Oedipal Complex, D.H. Lawrence - Sons and Lovers - A Rough and Ready Social Commentary by Silverbirchtree

 

* All errors and resemblances to real life persons are purely intentional

 

Apologies to anyone if this is a waste of space and boring. I’m writing it I suppose for purely selfish reasons. Just thinking about this and putting my thoughts into writing does help me feel more centred and grounded.

 

I’d like to re-iterate again that I agree it can be invasive and disrespectful to attempt to psychoanalyse another person. I’ve come to this view especially after having previously been in a 4 year relationship with a clinical psychologist. Apparently, it is very common for spouses and family members of psychologists and psychiatrists to feel that they are constantly put under the microscope and treated as specimens. I don’t consciously wish to do this. I am not a psychologist myself.

Regarding the Oedipal Complex, it is a term which was coined by Sigmund Freud. I’ve read various interpretations of the Oedipal and Electra Complex. I don’t believe it is genuinely possible to known exactly what Freud meant for various reasons which I won’t go into.

My understanding of the Oedipal Complex, rather than based on any psychological interpretation comes mostly from an appreciation of the classic semi-autobiographical novel, “Sons and Lovers”, written in England at the turn of the century by D.H. Lawrence. The book was deemed pornographic and was banned for many years. There were public burnings of Lawrence’s books and even some of his paintings. He spent many years in exile from England, partly due to his books and partly due to public outrage that he had an affair with and married a German woman who incidentally was married to a professor of English literature. Not surprisingly, for many years – after his affair became public, he was crucified by the professional male critics of English literature.

 

To me, Lawrence was far more interesting than any of his characters. He was in many ways pompuous, but I believe he was light years ahead of his time. Lady Chatterley’s Lover which I think was his last book, and the one he believed the finest advocated for the rights of women – sexual, legal and financial. He said he wrote that book in outrage against Flaubert’s novel Madame Bovary.

 

Anyway, back to Sons and Lovers. This book has been considered by many to be timeless in that it is about men’s conflicting relationships with their mothers – a type of love/hate. Some people interpret the Oedipal Complex as describing some men’s unconscious or conscious sexual attraction to their mothers. I have my doubts as to whether this is something which genuinely occurs as often as classic Freudians would believe. I suspect that the characterisations and dramas in Sons and Lovers would be more relevant and identifiable to most people than any direct interpretation of Freudian theory.

Basically, the story is about a young man growing up in coal-mining village in England at the turn of the century.It’s over 20 years since I read thebook, but I’m quite certain I recall the basic gist of it. He has a sister and a couple of brothers. His mother is a controlling, very unhappy woman, staying in a loveless marriage, and makes her children, especially her sons her life. Lawrence’s elder brother, Ernest (William in the novel), moves to London for work and for the love of a woman, a shallowl and frivolous young thing. Ernest dies needlessly from pneumonia. His fiancé had failed to check on Ernest while he was sick – too busy in her own shallow world. Life for the Lawrence family was never the same after Ernest’s death. Especially for his devastated mother. She became even more possessive and controlling with her sons. No woman could be good enough for her sons.

Even though Lawrence loved his mother deeply, he quite naturally became quite paranoid of being controlled and manipulated by woman. A central character of the book is Miriam, a young woman who clearly adored him. Whilst he remained in a relationship with Miriam for many years, including a sexual relationship, Miriam irritated him intensely. From her own accounts many years later, Lawrence had projected attributes onto her which were a lot more to do with his mother than anything to do with Miriam. Despite Miriam’s love and loyalty, Paul (Lawrence’s character in the book) became obsessed with an emotionally unavailable married woman and had a passionate though not long-lived affair with her.

Some people have written that not only was “Sons and Lovers” a brilliant depiction of the Oedipal Complex, but that Lawrence purged himself of that complex by writing the book whilst grieving his mother in the year after her death. Those critics have stated that in no other, and there were many, semi-autobiographical books written by Lawrence was an Oedipal Complex demonstrated.

Not so much a criticism, just something I noted – the character of the mother did get basically “bad press”. I thought she was a real witch myself when I first read that book, but I think now that in order to understand Lawrence (Paul), it’s relevant to see that his mother was also pretty much a victim of her times, and she was a hurt person who was doing the best she could to love her children and care for them.

If you’ve read this far, thank you and feel free to comment - Anyone?

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Ebs,

I'm feeling much more rested right now. Almost ready for work tomorrow. Just taking things quietly and boring. About to check out link removed

 

Hope your allergy is much better today. I've moved the ponies back down to the larger paddock and had a play with them. Just lying about with Fuzzie right now. David sent me a text saying it was a bad day for allergies and hoped mine was okay. I emailed him the pic you took of me with Sheila at Toolangi. You take good pics! I like photographing people a lot, but not so good as you I think.

[Silverbirch]

Just for Today, things seem to be on the way up again. Sunday night, David rang me and we spoke at quite some length. He's still very tired and says he knows he is suffering from quite bad depression which has come on since he has been ill. He said he did experience a similar type of depression many years ago when he was a single parent with a young child, living in a very difficult financial situation. He re-iterated to me that none of this - his moods - has anything to do with me or how he feels about me. He talked about his hopes that we will still live together one day. He's going to see his GP later in the week. I asked him if he would mind if I took my dog to his place Monday morning as I will be away from home for more than a day and my doggie is very social and barks a lot when I'm not home for extended periods of time. He seemed very happy about this - he and my dog love each other and when our dogs see each other, there is a lot of excitement. David said, LOL, he would even have a shave seeing I was coming and that he hoped I would stay for a coffee.

 

I was running late this morning, partly on account of trying to look very presentable myself. When I arrived, he was waiting out the front for me with his dogs. The dogs were all like young school children, greeting their best friends at the gate after holidays. I tried to be as contained as possible while I brought doggie and his bed and things inside onto the porch. Then David told my dog (who I still had on his lead) to "Settle down so I can say hello properly to your mother." He put his arms around me, and then I was "gone". I hugged him and cried and told him I had missed him and wanted him to get well soon. He had the biggest smile on his face, and asked (as if he didn't know) "Do you still love me??" I told him "More than ever". He said he had missed me a lot too and loved me more than ever too, and we stayed there hugging for about 10 minutes. He insisted on making me a coffee so we went inside. He pointed out that there weren't too many chairs around, so pulled me down on his lap and was very affectionate. Told me that I'm "a good sort" and "a sexy little gadget". I had to rush off to work, but will go back Tuesday afternoon to get doggie.

 

Then it was off to work - another day in Paradise - NOT. I had to attend a revision Diabetes Training Workshop with my employer and will be supervising new workers in this. While I was at the workshop, it did occur to me that very possibly, David could have undetected diabetes which would explain a lot of things. When he was at the hospital, they did keep asking him if he had diabetes. I don't know if he was tested for it, and how extensive the testing is as there are some extremely comprehensive diabetes blood tests now available.

 

He texted me while I was at work tonight saying that he had a good day, was in bed exhausted and had my dog in bed with him keeping him company.

 

I've been up all night with troubles with our client with diabetes. I've got a busy day ahead of me before I go collect my dog. Don't know if I'll see David when I get there due to his work. He actually even looked a lot more like he did before he was sick today. It's amazing how his face changes so much when he is happy and relaxed. I love his lips and his cute smile.

 

Hopefully, I can get around 2 hours sleep now before I have to go back to work for a couple of hours.