Please Help Me Keep My Feet on the Ground - Getting to Like the New Man a Lot

[ebany]

hey Silver, glad things are going better for you, aww how cute fuzzy gets to have a sleep over with his freinds Went back to work last night, go it was awful, i really really dislike working there, i dont know what i will do if the bank puts and end to my dreams Im sure it will be ok but this waiting is starting to really get me down. I am so tired im so over getting home form work in the early hrs of the morning, i just want to get on with my new life NOW I hope things keep improving with you and david

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Ebs and thanks,

Well, I think the bank will be okay, but likely there will be some other options available to you for financial backing if first port of call isn't right. Know you can do it. Hey, this will surprise you. Went to my accountant for my personal income tax today and have decided to take the plunge and registering myself as a busines (largely of course for tax purposes) and because I'm taking my first real step to make my dream of my organic garlic growing project and the rope halters closer to reality. It's going to be very modest of course, but I have a basic business plan for my first year - don't expect any profit as I will be replanting what I grow - if it doesn't all die from disease. I should also be able to claim tax rebate on ground skills training lessons in natural horsemanship with my favourite horse whisperer as a requirement for my business producing personalised rope halters - I'm registering the business in my name and hope to have so far these 2 little side-lines as part of it, and can develop more as I explore and best judge what I perceive as viable business ventures. All very modest of course.

 

David rang me while I was at the accountant and I couldn't talk, but I was so surprised when he blurted out "I love you." He generally works his way up to that and is really coy. I'm doing okay, but maybe because I'm so tired from work today that I feel like I'm not sure how I will cope if David turns out to be just one more man of quite a few (as you know) who have just used and dumped me. I don't know how I'll hold it all together, but I guess I've done it before.

 

I had one of the most crap shifts you could imagine, but I did have something good happen in that this morning, I ended up seeing a manager of a networking organisation, a lovely lady, and we were chatting about work issues. She asked me if I would like to give her my resume - if I would ever consider working for them - but of course that she couldn't promise me anything. That organisation pays SO much better than the one I work for, much better hours, and I'd be able to utilise more of the skills I've partly forgotten about which I studied so hard for at uni which seems like eons ago.

 

David is going to keep doggie another night for me. It's my turn tonight to pretty much close myself off from the world and get some sleep. I don't want him to see me looking so bedraggled. I'm looking forward to sleep. Just at that stage where I've been awake now around 31 hours, have eaten and bathed, but over-tired. Thought I'd do a little reading to help me nod off.

 

Well, my favourite dog-groomer and great friend, thoughts are with you and I'll send out a message to the universe for you for good things to come your way. xxxxxx

[Silverbirch]

David and I have spent a lot of quality time together over the last 2 days. He's much better physically and I'm feeling less stressed now too. We pretty much opened up very truthfully to each other, and in a nutshell, we both have times of feeling a lot of fear. Both of us have been dumped and hurt. I realise now that he has coped even less well than I feel I have with my breakups. As well though, he says he loves me very, very much - that he is waiting a couple of months to see if I stick around. He's apologised for the way he was last week and says he doesn't blame me if I go. I love him a lot, and he knows that - he has said so.

 

It's funny because when he got sick, he was even looking different. Now he is looking really beautiful again. We have matching eyes - hazel which get more obvious blue in them when we are very happy, and I've seen that in him in the last couple of days. He has been caring for my dog these last couple of days. I stayed over last night too, and on Saturday, I'm going to work with him to help out with a naughty little stallion in a lot of pain who is going to need a lot of coaxing, gentleness and kind firmness so that he can be attended to. Last time we did this together was with Little Black Pony, and he's working out just fine. I'm feeling much happier right now.

[Batya33]

I'm glad he apologized and was open with you about his fears and issues. Hopefully things will continue down this positive path!

[Silverbirch]

Hugs and Thanks Bataya.

[ebany]

Hey Silver, im glad to hear things are better with David. I am sooo close to my goal now i should be sining paperwork by monday or tuesday. I cant wait to be rid of my current place of work, ive found out they are about to shaft me again, but i will be gettin in 1st lol. have a great weekend, im going to a vegan festival in the city on sunday should be fun xxxx

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Ebs,

Knew it would all be okay.Congratulations. Vegan Festival????? Have fun!

[Silverbirch]

Just a quick pop in to say that there have now been several turns for the beteer and things are going very, very well. David's health is well and truly on the mend, he is much less stressed now that he is back at work and earning money, but more than anything, he has been VERY loving towards me and we are getting along famously. He seems very, very happy and I am for sure.

[chitown9]

Just a quick pop in to say that there have now been several turns for the beteer and things are going very, very well. David's health is well and truly on the mend, he is much less stressed now that he is back at work and earning money, but more than anything, he has been VERY loving towards me and we are getting along famously. He seems very, very happy and I am for sure.

 

Glad to hear it Silver!.....

[Silverbirch]

Thanks Chi. Hope all is well with you. BTW, I have been o the Champix for 3 days so hoping that I'm going to get rid of the cigarettes once and for all very soon.

[ebany]

hey Silver, well didnt make it to vegan festival, i was on my way to my sis in laws when i found a lost dog, poor thing was runing down road during thunderstorm. I stopped and picked her up, her poor little paws were all bloody. i brought her home, my boys lovvvved her lol she had a good dinner and a comfy bed to slepp on, and then took her to vet in the morning were i was able to reunite her with her family Then on way back home found another poor little fluffy dog that had been killed by car and left on side of road, she had no ID, i rang council bawling my eyes out and told them to come get her i felt so bad that i was not able to rescue this poor little mite as well I am hopefully signing paperwork tomorrow for bank loan, its approved just waiting for paper work to come through. i am handing in my resignation today when i go into work, the Aholes have screwed me over for the last time, they are going to change my shift and replace me with someone who refuses to do day shift, so they making me do dayshift, but lol i wont be doing any shift i cant wait to get started with my doggies. Hope all is well with you, and glad to hear david is better xxx

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Ebs,

Your doggie tale is so cute! I'm excited for you with the new business. I'm very disillusioned with work right now too and have applied for a transfer to another facility. There's quite a lot of occupational violence here and other stresses and it isn't worth it. Also, my hours reduced when they put more staff on, and I'm just over this place.

 

I used the scrub-cutter today at home, and the owner of the house - not Harry the Huntsman - he only leases it - the owner is going to give me a reference. I'm going to advertise myself as a housesitter, hopefully on acreage properties where I can take my ponies with me. I may not even get one response, but may as well have a go to see if there is any interest.

 

I feel as though I'm now getting to know David at a completely different level. I can tell what sort of day he has had and how he is going as soon as I look at him. He doesn't need to say a word. You were right about him being scared stiff. He came for dinner last night and stayed over. I was just about asleep when he told me the skin on his leg had a broken area on it. I got up, whipped out my first aid kit, cleaned the wound and applied proper surgical dressings to it. I was almost stunned by how appreciative and loving he was immediately after I did that and he stayed that way until he left at around 8.30 this morning.

 

You were right about him being scared stiff of being in a relationship. Sometimes he puts on this really hardened independent face for the world, but I know now that is because he had to be that way because he didn't see that there were any other options. During the years, especially when he was a single parent doing it tough, there was nobody there taking care of him so he had to be hard and independent.

 

Course I know from my previous expereinces that none of what is happening between us inow s any guarantee this relationshp will work or even that I will be genuinely loved. I did lots of things like that for my ex and his children, but when other women came along who were younger and I guess better-looking, none of the things I had thought counted meant a thing to the men. It was the same with Richard. True, my exes all seem to come back, but in the process of dumping me, there is so much destruction and pain, that I can never go back to any of them even if I wanted - which I don.t

 

David told me he is waiting a few months to see if I hang around, and if I'm honest, I'm doing the same with him.

I did have another REALLY big surprise. I had assumed I was done with having periods and all of that, but apparently not so. Not only did my period come back, but it appears that I am also ovulating. Wel yeah, a big surprise so I'm gong to have to go see a doctor fairly promplty as I'm definitely not planning on having more children!!!!

[Batya33]

How much of you is waiting for the other shoe to drop/walking on eggshells around David?

[jsd43953]

Silverberch,

 

I would recommend taking your time and being honest with yourself and him. I am going through something similar and I am the "new guy" and I thought everything was perfect only to have my heart ripped out my chest. It hurts when you naturally show love to someone who isnt able to fully receive that love because of old feelings or being damaged and not healed. For the sake of your friendship with him, your feelings and his make sure you are ready. He loves you, cause he is like me. He will wait and go at your speed to be able to love you like no other, just make sure you are ready for it because what you ask for is often what you will get. And guys like me love really hard which often times scares a woman to run away I believe.

 

See my story by going to my profile..and you will see that I have some fresh experience in this area.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Bataya and JSD, Thanks for your posts and I'm sorry you are hurting right now JSD. Things seem to be going okay. I've got a lot happening in my life right now hence the brief post. I've made arrangements to move my horses Sunday and I'm also beginning to pack to move out of where I'm living. Getting some storage space and moving things as I can right now. Also in the process of making changes to my work situation - going to start casual work for the organisation I'm already with, but I don't know if that will take a month to be workable. With the uncertainty of my home situation and where I will be living, and also the ongoing occupational violence, working casually right now will suit me best. I will be on a higher rate of pay and have more flexibility with my working hours.

 

Yes, Bataya, I am walking on eggshells. I think a lot of that is my own fears from having been hurt in the past, and I guess the same is true for him. No matter what we say about being over our exes - and I definitely don't want to ever to go back to any of mine - there are scars left from those hurts. Maybe every human being in the world has them to some degree. I might just have a few more than a lot of other people right now. Right now, I'm feeling plagued by my own insecurities. He does tell me every time he sees me that he loves me, and I don't think either that he is the type to lie about that, and also, I don't think that would necessarily be an easy thing for him to say. I'm more of a person who wears my heart my heart on my sleeve, and I don't like being that way.

 

By his own admission, in some ways, David can be a difficult man. That isn't all there is to him though. It's going to be a matter of time, getting to know each other more and weighing things up.

 

Truthfully, as well as the stuff going on that I've mentioned, I've got some other baggage or whatever you want to call it right now that I'm trying to process. Some of it is related to things I've seen and been privy to in the workplace, and I feel so disillusioned. I spent years and a lot of money going to university to study in an area where I believed in good. I practised a gentle and caring faith, and with what I've seen with people, I really don't like. It seems to me, that people basically fall into 2 categories. There are ones who if you treat with dignity and respect, they will treat you the same. The other type, when you treat with dignity and respect, will treat you like dirt and exploit you at ever opportunity. My ex-husband was brilliant in business because I think he worked that out a long time ago. If anyone did the wrong thing to him, he just treated them ten times worse and eventually, they got a bit scared of him and left him alone. I think that really helped him along the way.

 

So much for this being a brief post. I hope you are all well.

[Batya33]

I do think almost everyone has baggage if they reach a certain age and have had relationships that didn't work out in a disappointing way but I don't think knowing that is relevant to whether the degree of baggage/scars whatever you want to label it will be an obstacle to a healthy relationship. That has to do only with the individuals involved. When I was having serious doubts about marriage with a long term ex boyfriend it didn't help me more than momentarily to hear generalized cliches like "you just know when it's right" or "everyone has incompatibilities" or "all relationships take work". The intentions behind the input often were lovely but when it came down to it I had to be ready to deal with what was true for me (and "us") individually, and what my personal standards, comfort zone,etc. were. That was the harder work. There were always people I could call who would give me a pep talk or give me generalized "advice" and that helped for the short term.

[Silverbirch]

Hi and Thanks again Bataya,

We had a talk last night and David told me, and I know it's true, that I have to let go of my past hurts, because it is obviously making me very unhappy. He talked a little about his hurts from previous relationships - it was a lot like mine. My previous hurts have been obstacles to my unhappiness because I'm so fearful of being hurt again.

 

I know he is right, he said we need to keep the relationship in the now, and see where things are in 6 months time, and he added that "If I'm any half-decent type of guy, I'm going to be here." There are however, no guarantees. I guess I'm trying really hard to hold myself together inn case it doesn't work out.

 

He'd said other things too about how I should be focusing more on some aspects of my life which have been bringing me a lot of unhappiness such as my job and living situation. I gave in my resignation yesterday and am going to be doing casual hours with that organisation and possibly another organisation as well. I'd like to get into another area of work - possibly working for myself in business. I saw my accountant about that last week and processes have already been started for this. I've been looking for somewhere else to live and have seen something that might be good. Will ring in 20 minutes when the real estate office opens.

 

You know Bataya, with what your friends say about "You know when it's right", it's strange because I'm not sure I ever felt this way before, but despite the bumps in the relationship with David, I really do feel he is right for me and that I'm right for him. It's weird to feel this way about someone I've only been in a relationship with for a relatively short time although I did know him as a friend for well over a year.

 

He was a very good friend when we spoke last night. He gets grumpy when he is sick or the weather is wet because he can't work, and if he can't work, it causes financial stresses for him. However, he is a very good man. He has a lovely heart and is very intelligent in many practical ways - not an intellectual - and I like that, and of course, to me, he is very easy on the eye, and the physical connection is very strong for both of us.

 

He's going away with work for a week soon and that might be good for both of us to see how we are when we are apart for more than 2 days.

[Batya33]

Obviously there are no guarantees but I don't like his negative way of putting his intentions - relationships are hard enough without that level of pessimism. I am all for living in the moment - I work very hard on that! -but I think that can co-exist with future plans too. Are you ok with winging it for the next 6 months? That's different than the cliche "no guarantees" -that's him telling you very directly that he can't make any promises that he will be around in 6 months and he's kind of taking the passive approach with the "if I'm a half-decent guy I will be". Even with the no guarantees he should be able to tell you "I intend to be here in 6 months, in a relationship with you. Would he tell his boss "if I'm any half-decent guy I won't have quit on you in 6 months?" Of course not. I'm not telling you to pack it in, just not to have any expectations beyond the "oh this was a fun date -we have another date planned for next week -I hope that will be fun too". Rather than "in 6 months we hope to be going on vacation to __ place/plan to take a trip to meet family/plan to start --- whatever -and mean it. Nothing wrong with a more casual/spontaneous approach -as long as it works for you.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Bataya, right now I don't know. I'm not thinking really straight about a lot of things in my life. Called the realestate and the property which looked suitable won't accept any pets at all.

[Batya33]

Hi Bataya, right now I don't know. I'm not thinking really straight about a lot of things in my life. Called the realestate and the property which looked suitable won't accept any pets at all.

 

I'm sorry things are stressful for you right now and I hope things ease up very soon!

[Realitynut]

I haven't been on here either, the guy I got all excited about ended the very night I mentioned it on here...alll because of ME and my expectations...and I hadn't even met him yet...I think he thought I was nuts.

 

I would have been very upset if David had said that to me also....I want someone to say....I love you and I WILL be here for you forever. I know it takes work, but you are worth it.

 

I was SO sure Dan was the one for me. At 6 months when I was going thru the divorce and not sure where I was living, or moving my 'things', he said I could move in with him. Of course we were already talking about it being 'forever'. I said "I am making a commitment to you, and I don't take my commitments lightly.". I also said "I will never leave you."

And I didn't. I also think I was obsessed. He wasn't the 'difficult' one. I was the 'difficult' one, with him not helping in some respects.....lol.

 

but with my insecurities, if someone said, "well, lets see how it is in 6 months", I'd say, "I'm outta here...until you decide you want me forever and ever, let me know.!

 

I guess that's why I don't have anyone. I'm off all dating sites, and have given up. Maybe next year. I'm too damn fussy, I'm too damn moody, and now I'm too damn fat!!!

 

I haven't been on here for almost a month. Too bummed. Too ashamed. But I've been keeping track of you guys. When I'm feeling a little better, I'll write more too!

 

You and David have been thrown in a tizzy right at the beginning of your relationship when it should all be fun and laughter. But with him being sick, you moving, (and now can't take your ponies OR you other little creatures) plus changing your job.....it's almost too much for anyone to take. Talk about stress!@

 

I'm just sitting here alone, night after night with my dog on the couch....same old thing....lonely. (ate 4 boxes of chocolates...gained more weight...but joined a gym, then bought more 'turtles'. and m & m's.....I weigh 30 pounds more this Nov. than I did last Nov. Tha'ts a lot of weight when I'm only 5'3". Filling my emptiness with food, and I know it......

[Silverbirch]

Thanks Bataya. Hugs Carla, I've missed you and been thinking about you. Hey, that's a bummer about that guy, but it did sound at the time that he was giving you cause to think that he really liked you a lot and was very interested in a relationship.

 

The realestate thingy hasn't come off yet. I'm feeling pretty emotional about not being able to have the ponies live with me - at least for the time being,but in reality, it isn't looking optimistic that I will find a place with even small or part acreage where I could have them with me for at least part of the time. In the region I'm living, the house leasers can be very particular about what they expect from the leasees and it's difficult to find an affordable place where I can even have my small dog. Most apartments here don't allow you to have dogs and even cats.

 

David tried ringing me twice tonight but I was busy with work at the time and he must have gone to bed when I texted him back.

 

I'm feeling mentally exhausted right now. I'm glad I didn't see or speak to David today and don't know if I will tomorrow either. I don't know what to think. I really was thinking and feeling he was the right one for me, but hey, I've made a real ass of myself before with my choices. I couldn't bear to be with someobdy who didn't want to be with me. If I could,right now, I would bury myself in a hole, but I have so much to do.

 

Anyway all, hugs and keep well.

[Batya33]

I understand that you're exhausted and that David has disappointed you but IMO he deserves a call back with some promptness. No need to have a conversation - fine if you say "just returning your call, have a lot going on, can we talk [in a few days]". It's also fine if you do want to have a real conversation but I don't think the silence is fair to either of you.

[Silverbirch]

Thanks Bataya,

Hey said on my voicemail that he was going to bed. I texted him asking if he was awake, but no call so I sent another longer text. I don't think it would be good to speak to him while I'm feeling emotional. He saw me emotional last night, and I don't feel that was a good thing. He told me he had typed a message for me this moring, but had forgotten to send it so sent it this evening. There was quite a lot said about a lot of things. Ever since his illness started, he has been very hot and cold towards me. With everything else going on in my life, I don't think I should bring myself down by puttitng myself in a position where I feel like my emotions are being messed with. I think there is a type of Push/Pull thing going on because I've noticed that he seems to perceive clingliness almost paranoidly. When I back off, he seems to become more reasonable.

 

I've just seen photos of a lovely little house in a bush setting where I could at least bring my horses for short visits. It's $125 a week more than I'm paying now, but really, really lovely and I could focus on earning more money, especially with the changes to my employment where I will be on a higher rate of pay (no holiday or sick leave though) and I can work more hours if I wish. It's not quite as far out as I live now. It's got polished wood floors and I suspect my doggie wouldn't be a problem for them. Please pray, cross your fingers, cross your legs, and anything for me. xxxx

[Batya33]

I understand -I thought you didn't respond at all but you did so that's fine IM(very humble)O. I'm glad you're finding options as far as where to live. I understand that your horses and dog are priorities to you and I hope it all works out.