Please Help Me Keep My Feet on the Ground - Getting to Like the New Man a Lot

[Silverbirch]

Hi POL and Carla. Thanks for the well wishes and friendly banter.

 

I've had more news from the doctors, not as good as I had hoped, but I need to try and stay more positive than I have felt today. First news I got was from the hospital booking clerk who says they have booked me in for this Friday afternoon. I had tried contacting my doctor, Florence yesterday without a lot of luck as she was in surgery and I didn't leave a message. I left a message for her after the booking clerk rang me and she called me straight back with the results of the scan. It seems that the scan has showed a ?polymorphoid mass, roundish measuring around 2.5 x 2.2 cms which is attached to the wall of my bladder and so definitely not a stone. They will put me under for a cystoscopy on Friday afternoon, and will biopsy and send away for the results while I am on the table, and then decide what to do. Fingers crossed and prayers said it will be benign. I did have a bit of a similar scare around 15 years ago with what turned out to be 2 benign tumors of the ovary, and that all worked out fine.

 

By coincidence, I ran into my oldest friend in this state, Helen, in the street today and we had coffee together. She pointed out how amazing it is that we seem to run into each other randomly when we have big things happening in our lives. She is going to come up to the hospital on Friday night as is one of my very best and loveliest friends, Lili (pronounced LeeLee). Helen insisted that I tell David the truth. I have spoken to him on the phone, but worded things as carefully as I could so that I don't sound like I'm panicking. I don't want him to worry and be stressed. His reaction though was clearly that he is upset, and he mostly just said: "Bugger, bugger, and I think the poo word. With the work he does, he cannot afford to be stressed and have his mind off what he is doing. He asked me if I would like to come and stay with him tonight and bring my dog. Both of us like it better when I stay at his place as opposed to when we stay here as it is a lot more private. Still no red wine wee and I am TOTALLY pain-free with no discomfort at all which I need to consider a blessing.

 

Well, I KNOW what I want so much is to have at least a couple of years with David, and for us to have a farm and do all the things we have talked about. My Dad lived another 6 years after his bladder cancer, but maybe he would have lived longer if he had given up the cigarettes. I will do whatever I have to do whatever the outcome. I don't want to bring him or my family down with worry or be a burden to anyone, and I feel like right now, despite this thing inside me that I want to get rid of, the rest of me is about as happy as I have been in my whole life.

 

Already I'm thinking of things that have been so not worth the worry, stress and sadness - like being dumped by my ex, the stress of work, all those things that can take up rent-free space in our minds. Wo, if this is benign, then it will be a real gift probably because I know my outlook will change so that I learn to enjoy life a lot more and don't worry about things that aren't worth it.

 

Well, so glad I've got a stash of the vegetarian sauces I made and froze. Going to take some to Davids and add to some Cannelini beans, other vegies, pasta and a few other things. David isn't working early in the morning so we are planning on a relaxed start to the day.

 

I'll stay in touch and I guess be posting Saturday what the outcome of the surgery is. Thanks all. xxxx

[journeynow]

Silver,

 

I hope everything turns out ok!

[Silverbirch]

Thanks Journeynow. I hope things are going well for you too!

 

Feeling much better and more positive today. Had a lovely evening and morning with David, and I will meet him shortly at the paddock where my horses are. He is coming to trim the young rescue pony. He was just wonderful. We didn't talk much at all about the hospital, but when I first saw him, I felt my eyes watering up and we had a really big hug. The only thing he has said to me is that I'm going to be okay and he has said it to me a couple of times. We had a lot of fun with lots of joking around. He really did give me a lot of his time. He needs to work as much as he can to catch up financially for the work he missed out on during his own illness, and although he is on the way to achieving that, he still has some major, important bills he needs to pay. His 4 wheel drive which he depends on for a lot of his work is not on road atm as he hasn't been able to pay the current registration. Luckily he does have a station wagon which he can use in the meantime, but quite a lot of his clients live off dirt roads and so the 4 wheel drive is much better. As well, it runs off LPG so much cheaper to run.

 

Good things for me on the workfront. I made some phone calls this morning and chased up my own work, and I have taken work for the next fortnight. I'm going to have this Monday and Tuesday off as well as this weekend. If I work all the shifts I've taken - some are only 5 hours, I should earn a couple of hundred dollars more for the fortnight than I usually do, and that isn't including the triple time I will earn for working 8 hours Xmas day. That's a big relief for me because it became very, very apparent to me that I simply cannot manage on the money I have been earning since I had some hours cut. I'm not going to have to sleep over for any of my shifts which is a relief. I'd been contracted to sleep over 2 shifts per week at my present job and not getting more than 3 hours sleep if any before I would have to get up very early to start work again. It's been a real strain physically too. Some of the people who are managing facilities where I did previous work a couple of years ago have requested for me to go back and work for them casually, and I'm looking forward to that.

 

I've been busy since I got home today, catching up on housework, and tonight I will have to pack all my things for the hospital, allowing for 3-4 days at the hospital just in case I end up a bit staying longer - Florence had inferred this could happen. I would think this would be the case if they need to resect my bladder.

 

Well, I'd better get on with things. Have heaps to do.

[Silverbirch]

Tomorrow is the big day. I have about 20 minutes left to be able to eat until after the op. Still completely pain-free though it seems my face is breaking out into blisters/cold sores and today 4 began to appear. I went to a doctor as I had 2 really bad ones late October and throughout November and the doc had told me then that there is now an oral medication which will help a lot. It's 3 large tablets you take - a single dose and I'm using Zovirax so I hope that helps.

 

I saw David yesterday afternoon, and all talk about the issues relating to the red wine pee has been pretty vague with David saying to me that I'm going to be okay. The word cancer or malignant had not been said once. Tonight when I spoke with him on the phone, I knew I had to say something and I told him I will understand that if the news from the doctors is bad, I'll understand if he doesn't want to hang around. He told me not to worry about that, he will be there for me, and will certainly not be "bailing out" on me, especially at a time when I need support, and that I had been there for him during his illness. He said laughingly, "Don't you worry about that" mimmicking a famous Oz former political leader Joh Bjelkie Petersen.

 

I could tell he had lots on his mind. I wish I could take all those worries away from him. As silly as it may sound to a lot of people, because we have only been together for a few months, but the thing that makes me most determined to deal with even the worst possible scenario, is that I want to be well and around to do the things with David that we have talked about. Sure there are other things in my life that I have always thought I have wanted to do before I die - go to the Italian countryside and visit family over there, go to Venice and Florence and other places, but I know now that want I want so much more than that is to be with David on the farm with out animals, and that will be enough for me.

 

Helen is coming to the hospital tomorrow and will stay with me for a couple of hours. Bless her. My son, who still thinks I have kidney stones is going to drive me to the hospital from his place - it's just a five minute drive away, and I will leave my car parked outside of his house, then catch a taxi back to collect it after I leave the hospital when it's all over. Helen told me tonight that she knows a woman who has had several tumors removed from her bladder which have all turned out to be benign, and I'm hoping that mine will be benign too. I have this gut feeling though that it isn't, and that they will resect my bladder as well, but that hopefully they will get all of it. I don't recall my father having chemo with the bladder tumor, it was after he developed secondaries that he started having chemo. As frivolous as it sounds, the thought of losing my hair makes me feel crazy.

 

Anyway, I ended up coming home from work and not having to sleep there for the night, and I'm so glad about that. Another night with doggie and at least I will get to sleep.

 

Despite David being worried about money, he was telling me tonight about this horse he goes to see out in the country on a property. He's told me about it before. It lives in a paddock with some alpacas and no other horses, and he believes that horses can't live happily without other horses. I recall him saying to me before that he felt sad about that horse and had suggested to the owner that she consider getting a companion horse for him. He is an Australian Stockhorse, not in work for some time, but in good condition. A big boy too at around 16.5hh. David told me tonight that the owner said that if David wants he can have the old guy so he's thinking about it and getting opinions from some professionals he knows. If I could, I would go get that horse and bring it home for him to surprise him. I would do almost anything that I believe would bring him happiness. At the end of the day though, it's his decision. One more extra horses mouth won't cost him that much - he has plenty of grass and everything a person needs for keeping horses. He IS a really good-hearted person, and that's one of the reasons I love him.

[Batya33]

All the best of luck tomorrow. Hang in there.

[Silverbirch]

Thanks very much Bataya. Greatly appreciated. I'm not feeling sleepy so up doing some baking right now and will put in my freezer.

[journeynow]

Thinking about you. Hope it's a smooth day tomorrow and they treat you like a queen.

[Silverbirch]

Thanks Journeynow. Just hopping into bed now for a couple of hours of sleep. I've got all day tomorrow in bed and figured I may as well keep myself busy while I didn't feel like sleep. I've made artichoke and cheese fritters and some peach and orange muffins. Most of it is in my freezer for when I come home. Hope things in your life are going the way you would like.

[Silverbirch]

I had the surgery yesterday. The doctor is optimistic, but the tumor was in fact cancerous. I had a small part of my bladder resected and all of the tumor removed and a temporary stent put beside the opening near my kidney as the tumor was very close to a kidney. Apart from the middle of last night, I've had no real pain to speak of, but a fair amount of discomfort. The doctor was hoping to have more information from a pathology report yesterday, but at the present time, the pathology department is stretched to the max. He says he isn't able to give me full information until the consultant pathologist has written his report - that will be within 3 days or so, and then the surgeon doesn't want to give me info over the phone so he is making an appointment for me to see him in 3 weeks time which at present is the earliest I will be able to get an appointment. He says the tumor is definitely cancerous, but that he is quite certain that it is easily treated - has to be removed. However, that particular type of tumor generally recurrs and so I will be needing to come into hospital every couple of months, having cystoscopies, and anything else further. He says also that it looks like we got it early. There is a more remote chance that I have a more invasive type of cancer, and if that is the case, he will discuss treatment options with me when he sees me in 3 weeks. My gut feeling is that I don't have that, and it does appear that my earlier gut feeling about what it would be has been correct so far.

 

Helen my friend who was going to see me yesterday became unwell, and she wasn't able to come and Lili got called away too, but both of them rang. David came last night and was just brilliant. He didn't know the results until I saw him and told him. He stayed here for hours despite the fact I knew he was tired although he said he was fine. He was very loving and affectionate, says he is going to stand by me and support me how he can. After a while, he came and lay on my bed with me (on top of the sheets LOL), and we just curled up together like we do at home talking. I like to stroke his neck and forehead and he strokes my shoulder and upper back. It was so relaxing, the best treatment for anything I think.

 

I can tell he is a bit scared, but he is being very strong and selfless. Today he has had to go and help someone we know who is a vet. David is going to work on his tractor (David is also a motor and aviation mechanic). In exchange, the vet will provide services for his horses. He's actually a brilliant vet and equine chiropractor having studied in Europe. I had him out for my oldest mare and she must much improved after being treated by him.

 

David has asked if I would like to stay at his place tonight -says I can stay whenever I like. I'm not sure. I want and need to remain disciplined in my lifestyle, certainly try not to rush things, but keep my home and care of my self in order. I'm going back to work on Wednesday. It's amazing how fast the recovery time is now for these things because of the computerised treatments and microscopic instruments the surgeons now use. The most unpleasant part for me has been having continuous saline pumped into my bladder to flush it out for close to 24 hours. So glad that is now finished. I did require morphine and some other things last night, but feeling good today, and just going to rest up.

 

Hope everyone is well here. I've thought a little about how I neglected my body after the breakup - not being able to eat, all that crying, lack of sleep. Anyone going through that atm, I know they say it's something most of us need to do in order to move on, but right now when I see the bigger picture of life, it wasn't worth it to myself to put myself through all of that - HE wasn't worth it, and I deserve better. From this point in my life, I will be taking much better care of myself in every way. I love David to bits. If he decides that this relationship isn't for him, there will be nothing I can do about it except to try and move on with my life, spend my time with my son, family and wonderful friends and of course my furry family. Of course, I hope that doesn't happen. I'm sure I can have a very good life with him. Hugs to you all. xxxxx

[journeynow]

Thought of you today, and sent good thoughts your way. It's disconcerting that the tumor is cancerous. Did they not remove it but just sample it? That's sweet that David lay beside you and rubbed your shoulders. Good healing vibes. Hang in there, and keep us updated. I wish you well and full healing.

[chitown9]

I've thought a little about how I neglected my body after the breakup - not being able to eat, all that crying, lack of sleep. Anyone going through that atm, I know they say it's something most of us need to do in order to move on, but right now when I see the bigger picture of life, it wasn't worth it to myself to put myself through all of that - HE wasn't worth it, and I deserve better.

 

I understand exactly what you are saying here...life is too precious to let someone else rob us of our health and well being. You have a great attitutde, Silver, and your fortitude will serve you well as you progress through life. It is interesting to find that a person's essence shines through on these threads, and yours reveals a kind and caring person. Thank you for posting your update...we are all pulling for you...

[Silverbirch]

Hi Journeynow and Chi and thank you. JN, the surgeon removed all of the tumor and resected part of my bladder. I didn't really have much pain until some time after the surgery. Having warm baths helps a lot, and one of the nurses showed me how to breathe through the pain. I think I'm going to be spending most of today in bed. Yesterday I did a few things at the shops because I felt okay, but I got sore afterwards and that brought on some physical pain. From what the doctors said though, normally, it takes about a week to recover from the surgery.

 

Yesterday, on my way home from the hospital, I came to David's to collect my dog and ended up staying the night. David has talked me into going back to bed and trying to spend the day in bed on my laptop and reading.

 

Yes, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. At the hospital, some young and youngish women were talking to me - ones with cancer. I really feel for them, and also seeing what they are going through and have gone through, it scares me that I might have to go through that too. I'm still pretty much processing things. When I had the endometrial tumors, the doctors told me that they often recurr, and added not to worry, that it all ends at menopause!! I was only in my thirties. Well, I never had a recurrence,and a couple of years later when I was scanned was told there weren't even scars of evidence that I'd had any surgery and that I was still ovulating from both ovaries. I suppose the difference was that the endometrial tumors were benign, but this tumor has been malignant so I have even more reason to hope that there is no recurrence.

 

Chi, right now, I feel a real difference with my attitudes. To have invested so much emotional energy into things that weren't worth it is something I don't want to waste my life on anymore.

 

Thanks for your support JN and Chi.

[Silverbirch]

Wo, it's now 4 months or a little more sice David and I got together. It seems longer because so much has happened in both our lives. If you didn't read in the other thread, the cancer turned out to be stage 2 carcinoma, but the prognosis is very good. I will require regular examinations until I am 10 years cancer-free. In my case, I do feel almost grateful. I've since heard cancer referred to as "The Messenger". It's almost like being told: "The party might soon be over. Have you started having fun?" I've been working hard at living and creating the life I really want, and I am happy. David is still very much in my life and things are working out really well. He's certainly had his own share of health issues.

 

He also seems to have come to terms with having a significant other in his life. He had been alone for so many years, I think that he filled his life with animals and things to do and told himself that he didn't need another person in his life to be really close to. He does say things sometimes, but not so often, that he wonders will I meet somebody "better than him" and be gone from his life. He was a great support to me during the days (almost a month actually) when I had to wait to be told by the docs about the pathology report on the cancer and just what it meant. To be honest, one of the things which kept me together was thinking about how I want to live on a farm with David - our farm - surrounded by our horses, dogs, cats and all the other pets and the wild life, and the wonderful mornings, days and nights we have had together - for them to continue. I'm not ready to go. Too much I want to do.

 

I've also had some fantastic changes with my employment directions, my housemate has done a 360 degree turn around since I went into hospital and has been terrific. I have my ponies back home with me, and my life is going great. Just wish there were more hours in the day.

 

The ex has sent me 2 or 3 texts since I last posted on this thread, and I'm so over him. I didn't respond at all to the last 2 texts he sent me. More than likely he was feeling pretty lonely over the Xmas period, and most likely the women he thought so much more suitable for him than I am are not in his life right now, or not in the way he would like them to be. Well, they can have him LOL!

 

I love David very much and know that this is not a rebound, and that he is right for me. Of course, neither of us are perfect people and we need to each work at creating our own happiness, but I would say that our shared love of horses and living on the land and some of the things which have brought us together and keep us together. Oh, lots more of course. After speaking to him tonight, I'm also reminded how each of us brought up a child on our own, both close in age,and we go through the same sort of foibles with our kids and are there for each other to give encouragement and support when we feel a bit sad when our kids have gone off for a while doing their own thing and we have had to let go of them a bit more.

 

Oh and of course, he thinks I'm beautiful and I think he is the most handsome man I have ever been with, one of the most handsome I have ever known. It's not the be and end all, but to be honest, it does seem to add something extra for me anyway. He makes me laugh with some of the things he says.

 

Anyway, can rant and rave, but so grateful to the people at ENA who all helped me through such difficult times - with the breakup and the cancer that I want to keep coming back here to tell everyone, especially the newer people, that life can move on after your heart has been broken, and you might even, in fact, more than likely, become happier than you ever have been. I know I am. xxxx

 

PS I have also been earning more money - a couple of hundred dollars more per fortnight

[Silverbirch]

Hi Everyone,

I thought this thread was sort of exhausted and that I wasn't going to post here because people would be sick of reading it. However, I did see that a newer member of ENA has asked people to share true stories where ENA members have had a really tough breakup, but then found happiness with another person.

 

I had almost finished typing a fairly long response and lost power so thought I might revive the thread even if it only stays active for a short while.

 

Yes, David and I are still together and it looks as though it's going on around 6 months now. I'm getting to know him more and more - at a deeper level I suppose. I'm still happy most of the time. I've had a few * * * moments when I wonder where he is coming from, but he is a VAST, VAST, VAST improvement on any of the other men I have ever been with.

 

Yes, he can get grumpy, like I mentioned, he TELLS ME he is a grumpy ole bostid and goes off on his own when he is like that. He says his friends who have known him a long time know he is like this, and HE STRESSES THAT IT IS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME OR ANYTHING I DO IT IS BECAUSE THAT HAS BEEN PART OF HIS PERSONALITY FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

 

HE TELLS ME he is the most unromantic man in the world. I've had a few moments where I think HOLY GEEZUS, and every time, within a short time, he will do or say something spontaneous, seemingly without thinking, and it occurs to me that is the most loving, romantic thing anyone has ever said or done for/to me.

 

I feel more myself in this relationship than I have in any other. To be really honest, I know this is going to sound like "man bashing", but sometimes when he says or does something, I think, "He can't help it, he's a man, bless him." I've come to believe that ALL men who are breathing have this overwhelming need to feel in control of all aspects of their lives to a greater degree than the female species. I know that's a generalisation, but I think it's true.

 

Well, some of the ENA members saw I wrote recently about how he has said to me in the past how he doesn't believe in Valentine's Day. He has never given a Valentine's Day card or gift in his life because it's a scam for the card manufacturers. Well tonight (don't faint if you are reading this Carla), he asked me when Valentine's Day is. I wondered why he wanted to know, and he said I MIGHT get something from him, and then laughed. Really, I told him if he is good I might make him a chocolate cake, but only if he is nice, and not to worry I won't buy him flowers or balloons or anything because I know he thinks that is all part of the scam of capitalism.

 

Sometimes,he gets into these little conversations which are really more with himself where he basically says he doesn't ever want to let himself get caught by a woman again. I don't say a lot, but recently told him that I wanted to set the record straight, "I am not desperate to marry any man, I'm simply not closed to the idea of it, and I'm still getting to know him." His instant reply was, "But I might change my mind, you never know." Five minutes down the track, he's telling me he adores me, wants to be with me for the rest of his life. He wishes our situation was a little different because he would love it if we could have a baby together, and that he has never felt that way in his life. I could go on more about the things that are said.

 

At the end of the day, I do want to be with him, I do love him, but I have more self-love, respect and confidence than I did when I first came to ENA. I have slowed down a little, and I think that will work for the good of this relationship. Despite the negative things I have written, I DO feel he is right for me, and I DO very much still believe he is by far, the most honest and genuinely nicest person - and best-looking man I have been with to date.

 

If you haven't read my recent posts on other threads, the ex contacted me several times over the period from November to New Years. I've seen him twice to collect my final belongings. He has shown himself to be an incredibly selfish and self-deluded person, and I would not want to go back to him if my life depended on it.