And Pigs Might Fly

[Flyingpiglet]

I have a lot of respect for my Mum... But she does annoy the hell outta me

Small doses is Is probably best. I can't see that I'll ever have kids but if I did I would want to have a good emotional bond with them and would want them to be able to talk to me about stuff. I think thats what I crave as much as anything!

She's been a foster carer for over 20 years and much as that is admirable and I don't want to sound like a spoilt brat, I sometimes think she lost interest in us as we became teenagers and grew up... Her addiction is babies.

As for my Dad, well, we're working on that and slowly building some bridges. In fact, we're swapping Christmas gifts this year for the first time that I can remember!

[OptomisticGirl]

I have a pretty good emotional connection with my mom - better than most - but emotional connections with our future kids is def super important to me. I have heard of women who have an addiction so to say to babies.. that they can be loving and caring to their kids at infancy but as they grow older they detach emotionally, so sad really. I mean don't get be wrong - show me a cute baby with the chubbiest cheeks and I'll squeel and pinch his cheeks but it's the human they become that fascinates me (at least).

[petite]

that was probably one of the worst moments in our mother/daughter relationship... But the one that sticks in my memory unfortunately! I do love her, and I know she loves her kids, but I will never again turn to her for support and I find that a bit sad. Her relationship with her mother is pretty much the same so I can't really blame her for not knowing how to relate. It's only recently that I've discovered that I am actually quite a tactile person after a lifetime of being told we're just not a tactile family and taken it as normal! lol.

 

If you really want to have a close relationship with your mother it's actually possible. Of course you would have to let go of the resentment and forgive her for being tactless. The fact that your relationship with your own mother is similar to what her relationship with her mother is, shows that she wasn't taught any different; but the thread can stop with you. It's in your power to try and change it.

I was discussing something similar with my old therapist about forgiving, as I have a hard time forgiving people if they hurt me and I think about the hurt and whatever they did/said if I ever acquaint myself around them.

I've struggled with this for about 16-17 years when a friend betrayed me and it's been a problem since then. I also asked the Dalai Lama, whom I met whilst studying about forgiveness, albeit my question was about forgiveness and reconciliation amongst people affected by war but I think the question can be related to any type of forgiveness and his answer is one I go back to every time I feel that I'd be better of letting go and just forgiving instead of letting it overtake me and continuing the cycle.

You can read the story here if you wish but I'll quote my question and answer for you, and perhaps it can help you as it has helped me.

 

S I asked him how he looked on forgiveness and reconciliation amongst people, which have been affected by war and how can that be achieved. Like the first time, the answer was very long.

He talked about the difference between forgiving and forgetting, and how the two should not be confused. That often forgiveness is in the interest of the oppressed rather than the aggressor, because it prevents further aggression and desire for revenge, and also the victim mentality that eventually leads to new conflict. How it should be prevented that, after suffering people become suffering addicts and in some ways continue self-destructive war.

 

I don't want to come accross as a know-it-all or that I'm trying to lecture you about your relationship with your mother, so please don't take what I have said the wrong way, I'm just saying that if you want to it's possible to try and have a good relationship with her (if she is willing too) and maybe even have an emotional-close mother/daughter relationship.

[Flyingpiglet]

^No I didn't take it as a lecture Thank-you.

 

Problem is, I'm not sure I want that closeness with my Mum now, That may sound like I've just contradicted myself but I feel it's too late for me to build an emotional connection with her, mostly because we are both completely uncomfortable with it. I did once discuss it with her briefly but she then exaggerated it by sitting stock still and staring at me lol. I'm not sure if she was being facetious or seriously thought that was what I wanted. The full force of her attention just made me nervous and uncomfortable. And I wasn't even talking about anything particularly 'deep'. I know if she were to reach out for a hug I would go as stiff as a board. (Thats not to say I don't like hugs... I love hugs)

 

I just want to be sure that going forward, I am open with other people. I have cousins and a niece who I hug every time I see them and I don't feel uncomfortable with that so hopefully I won't carry this emotional detachment through life with me... ?! And I always tell them I love them... Something else that has never passed between my mum and I.

 

I think I have forgiven her for her tactless remark in many ways, but it will always serve to remind me not to reach out to her for emotional support.

But I wonder if it has made me over emotional in other ways... How does one lend itself to the other?

 

But on the plus side, we do rub along quite nicely together in day to day life... so it could be a lot worse!

[Flyingpiglet]

Skiving off excercise class tonight. Got a little headache and just plain can't be bothered... I'm going to stay inside where its warm

[Flyingpiglet]

Feeling a bit empty tonight, Just been sat here having a good old cry for no reason! I don't know what to do with myself now, Just feel all blaaahhh. Should have gone to exercise

 

I think I might have the winter blues

[Flyingpiglet]

Got an old friend visiting from way down south today. He's here to see his mother so I'm going to go see them all too. Going out for a few drinks.

We had a bit of a fling once, but unfortunately, it never turned into anything of a spark.

He would do anything he could to make me happy, I know he would. If life were simple, I would have fallen head over heels for this guy and been prepared to move 4 hours away to live with him... Life just isn't simple I guess.

Anyway, that was years ago, we've had had a close friendship ever since and I'm looking forward to seeing him and giving him a big hug... I know he'll make me smile

[Flyingpiglet]

Had a fun but alcohol fueled weekend. Strangley I did enjoy getting dressed up on Saturday night, can't remember the last time I wore a short dress and I did get a fair few compliments. For a change, instead of brushing them off I made a conscious effort to just accept them and say thank you. It actually felt good. Would have been nice to have a special someone paying me compliments rather than practical strangers but I guess I've got to start somewhere. Everybody starts off as a strangers until you get to know them I guess. Not that I expected to meet anybody that night, at a friends companies dinner dance lol

 

Finally done some Christmas shopping tonight. Why do I always leave it until last minute.... And then end up buying things for myself. These slippers are damn comfy though. And my new hat is lovely and warm lol. Bed time now, I've been struggling getting out of bed just lately, seems I get my deepest sleep right before I have to get up. Typical!

[Flyingpiglet]

UGHHHH, I can't believe what I've just done.... Like some sort of desperado, I've scrapped the last bits of tobbaco from my brothers pouch and rolled myself the tiniest ciggie in the world! How pathetic is that? And I loved it, it made me happy but it's only a matter of time until the craving comes again. I have absolutely no will power, 8 months down the drain... Only a matter of time until I go and buy some. FAILURE!!!!

[Huntress0527]

I wouldn't say the 8 months are down the drain. Try not to have a all or nothing attitude. Quitting smoking is one of the hardest things to do be proud of those 8 months smoke free!! Just get back on the wagon and keep fighting the good fight don't let this setback derail you!

 

Btw, I keep seeing the pics of your pooch and he/she is absolutely adorable.

[Flyingpiglet]

Thanks Huntress... I've been getting steadily worse with this non smoking, and now the cravings are getting harder to ignore. Funny how it suddenly seems that everybody else smokes when I tried to stop! Though I know in my heart that it's just me noticing it more lol. I keep telling myself that as long as I don't go and physically buy some I will be okay!

Might be time to get some more alternative nicotine replacement remedies! How can something so disgusting give me so much pleasure (short lived as it is)

But again, thank-you. I will try and get back on the wagon. Never give up giving up is the mantra I've heard a thousand times!

 

And yeah, thats my boy... He's just the cutest

[Huntress0527]

It really takes years to get it all out of your system. My dad smoked for 30 plus years and he's been smoke free for about 15 years now give or take. He can't stand them now, go figure!

[Flyingpiglet]

My neighbour is like that, if he caught me he would give me a right dressing down lol.

This is my 3rd attempt at stopping and this is the longest I've done. I somehow seem to have been propelled into unavoidably spending more time with people that smoke so I guess that hasn't made it any easier! But, ultimately, it's down to me! Might try one of those inhalers or electronic cigarette things. Probably defeats the object of saving money but at least it'll be better for my health! In the words of every smoker I've ever met.... I wish I'd never started!

[anya1607307555]

Perhaps it might be an idea to ask your brother to refrain from smoking within 10 miles of your house Seriously though, perhaps if he kept everything out of sight and smoked away from the house, it would help get you back on track.

 

It can't be easy being surrounded with parties during the festive season either, or birthday (I just read that).

[Flyingpiglet]

Yeah I will ask him to keep his smokes on his person so that there is nothing laying about to tempt me... He doesn't smoke in the house at least, that has been banned even before I stopped. My sister and her SO smoke, plus my dads step family and I can't ask them to stop in their own houses so I'm just going to have to find some will power and to help me along, I'm going to go to the chemist tomorrow and see what I can get to just help with these cravings... They're not too bad mostly yet so I will try to nip it in the bud before it gets any worse! But I will always be honest in my journal (and the support helps a lot too

 

The big day is tomorrow... Just got my pressie off my mum tonight as I won't see her tomorrow. Got a sat nav so now I feel like I should fuel up and go somewhere I've never been before. Might just do that next time I get a free and non icy day

 

Plus I've been promised a bacon buttie delivered to my office door at 9am tomorrow so I guess birthdays aren't all bad even though I stopped getting excited about them when I was about 21 lol

[In the Dark]

Ha ha ha the thin ciggie.

 

My Mother and Father quit cold Turkey.

Although my Mother was given a shock from the doc which made her quit.

My Father was a 2/25 cig pack a day man.

 

When I was a toddler I would play a game of crawling under the thick cloud of cigarette smoke in the lounge as if I was in some sort of fire scenario.

 

Smoking was also quite prevalent in my family including relatives.

 

The go somewhere you never been before sounds like a great idea!

 

I like doing that sort of stuff.

I have even shut my eyes and gone somewhere on the map for no reason before when I had the time.

Stopping at random places along the way which is all part of the experience.

I remember coming accross a town where they had a cafe inside an old ariplane.

Although that was at a time where I did not have a gas guzzler and fuel prices were much lower.

[OptomisticGirl]

Don't beat yourself up about smoking Piglet. When we're trying to stop something we will fail and have fall back days, I do with trying to watch my portion sizing and stop drinking sodas. The point is to have that moment of failure and keep going and to have the periods between failure getting longer and longer until there is no failure. We are all only human - we will fail at something we try at least once, perhaps even multiple times.

[anya1607307555]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

 

Bacon buttie delivered...somebody thinks you're special Very nice gift from your mum. I love birthdays...perhaps I need to grow up lol

[Flyingpiglet]

Thanks anya

 

I should have a bacon buttie every morning, one of the guys I work with decided to treat me as it'll be his last birthday here (retiring) need to work my charms on someone else for next year! I've not needed to eat for the rest of the day lol.

I do love my pressie from my mum, I think she wants her at nav back that I pinched about 2 month ago haha.

I just need to go get lost somewhere now

[Flyingpiglet]

Don't beat yourself up about smoking Piglet. When we're trying to stop something we will fail and have fall back days, I do with trying to watch my portion sizing and stop drinking sodas. The point is to have that moment of failure and keep going and to have the periods between failure getting longer and longer until there is no failure. We are all only human - we will fail at something we try at least once, perhaps even multiple times.

 

Thanks OG, I know I will do it one day... I am going to make an appoinment to see the smoking cessation nurse again I think, see what other nicotine replacement products I could try! Next time I'll not get over confident until at least 12 months

[anya1607307555]

Aw, that's sweet of him. You could take him out for breakfast on his last day.....and don't breakfasts usually take alllllll morning to eat, ahem!

 

So, what are your eating plans with your girls?

[OptomisticGirl]

Thanks OG, I know I will do it one day... I am going to make an appoinment to see the smoking cessation nurse again I think, see what other nicotine replacement products I could try! Next time I'll not get over confident until at least 12 months

 

I have heard of a lot of good things nowadays that help people quit smoking. My mom has been smoking since she was 13 (she's 45 now, I think) and she claims she can't due to stress. *sigh* I'm actually the only person in my family that doesn't somoke - even my younger siblings do.

[Flyingpiglet]

All morning...? If I go for the all day breakfast surely that would take all day to eat

 

Saturday night is my night out with the girl... We do pretty much the same every year but we always enjoy it...

 

Meal at the local indian restaurant, then a few drinks in the local pub then....... We go down to a friends and play games and drinkl copius amouts of wine lol

Normally pictionary or rapidough I feel like a right old fart now haha. But it is really good fun Honestly!!!!

[Flyingpiglet]

I have heard of a lot of good things nowadays that help people quit smoking. My mom has been smoking since she was 13 (she's 45 now, I think) and she claims she can't due to stress. *sigh* I'm actually the only person in my family that doesn't somoke - even my younger siblings do.

 

I think in my close family, my mum is the only one who doesn't smoke. She never has and she hates it. We must have a rebelled against her at some point! My dad has given up now but that was forced due to his illness. All that makes me feel worse for not being able to stick with it this time but I will carry on regardless and keep trying.

I haven't actually started buying any yet but people are soon going to wise to me just pinching the odd one!

[Flyingpiglet]

The go somewhere you never been before sounds like a great idea!

 

I like doing that sort of stuff.

I have even shut my eyes and gone somewhere on the map for no reason before when I had the time.

Stopping at random places along the way which is all part of the experience.

I remember coming accross a town where they had a cafe inside an old ariplane.

Although that was at a time where I did not have a gas guzzler and fuel prices were much lower.

 

I might have to wait till the better weather for exploring, don't like the though of getting caught out with the snow and ice

That airplane cafe sounds interesting though... Doubt I'll find anything that out of the ordinary over here!

Might plan myself a bit of a road trip though as long as there are one or two dog friendly B&B's along the way!

And I could take my camera too!