And Pigs Might Fly

[Flyingpiglet]

Still nothing interesting to say, Been a 2 1/2 hour walk then had to bath the dog cos he rolled in something disgusting. Why do dogs do that?

Had a good night with good company, drunk wine without getting emotional so thats a breakthrough. Must be the company I keep!

So all in all, everything is good! Going to treat my brother and me to a chinese take away in a bit. Mainly because I don't have much in for dinner and I can't be bothered to cook anything! Not had a take out for ages anyway!

The one thing bothering me is.... Do you ever feel like you reach out to new/different people, not in a needy way, just in a friendly way. And they act like you're not even there, or look at you like you're stupid? Might not be a conscious thing but anyway, I'm done with that now! And no... I don't mean you

 

And YUCK, just had a gulp of tea that brother has made... Tastes like old washing up water! Not that I'm a regular drinker of old washing up water!

[Flyingpiglet]

Okay, I need a little advice here... Don't know whether to post on the main forums but just gunna put it here first, see if writing it out gives me some sort of clarity.

 

My and my siblings are planning a surprise party for my mothers 60th next month, All systems go, everything is booked.

 

I have two worries:

I haven't spoken to my cousin since I found out about my exes new girlfriend and the fact that he knew about it and chose not to tell me, let me found out of Facebook. It really got to me as he knew how upset and hurt I was over the break up, I just thought he would offer me some support. I didn't expect him to fall out with his friend (my ex) over it but still... Just be there for me!

So he's obviously going to be at this party. I don't know if I should try to make my peace with him first. But I'm still so angry at him and I know I will have to make out like I was at fault for taking his (non) actions to heart!

 

Second, I've just got off the phone to my aunt, she has spoke to my cousin today and it would appear that my ex has plans to come visit, possibly on the weekend of this party... I don't know if this will be with his girlfriend or not but whatever, its not good. I have point blank told her that I don't want him there. She has asked if I cannot swallow my feelings for this one night if he does come. He has come to family does before and has been welcomed into the family before I even started seeing him. I can't believe I'm been asked to back down on this. That can't be fair surely.

 

Now I'm pretty sure (though not 100%) that if he knew there was a party for my mother, he would come a differrent weekend if possible.

But I also know he works a pretty tight schedule on his three weeks home and may only have one weekend free to come see his 'best friend' If it does fall on this weekend, I'm going to feel like the bad guy if I make a fuss and he ends up not coming because of me!

 

This is sooo unfair! How do I always end up feeling like the bad guy!

 

I suppose I should speak to my cousin! Ah god this is CRAP!!!

[anya1607307555]

I know it must be difficult but I agree with your aunt. I would remember the reason you are all getting together, hold your head high and enjoy your mum's birthday celebrations. Choose an area of the preparations to organise, do your thing and turn up on the day with a smile. Don't get drawn into any discussions regarding the cousin or ex, it's not the time or the place. Keep this simply about your mum. Swallowing your feelings for one day does not mean you have forgotten or forgiven anything that has happened. It means you are mature enough to temporarily put your mum's feelings above your own. You can do this fp

 

Enjoy the chinese, I had chippy chips yesterday for the first time in ages and they were delicious!

[Flyingpiglet]

Aw crap... Thats not what I wanted to hear lol. I wanted someone to give me an excuse to throw my teddy out the cot and have a paddy!

There's no way I will be able to relax if he's there. I'm not sure I can do it. I may be panicking prematurely, he might come a different weekend. Or he may come for the Friday night and go home saturday (the night of the party)

Now I really want to mail him and just ask him to please try and arrange his time off so that he comes to visit my cousin on a different weekend. I don't care that doing that might make him think that he still bothers me. He doesn't bother me if I don't have to see him, I just don't want him in my face!

Does breaking no contact count when you're begging and pleading for them to stay the hell away fron you instead of begging for them to come see you?

I don't want to spoil it for anybody... One thing for sure. If he's there I better not have any alcohol!

I've got 4 weeks to get my head round this.. I would prefer to know for def one way or the other! Might ask aunt to try and find out.

 

Chinese was nice though... And I had chippy chips yesterday for lunch!

[Flyingpiglet]

Well, last nights dream was inevitable.

It was too messed up in the way only dreams can be so I'm not sure I can word it... But he was there (though I refused to look at him). My cousin was there, but when he turned up, I went for a walk. When I got back, my sister and some others had decided to go with them to a tequilla party (don't ask) lol. Lots of other stuff that I can't remember clearly!

 

I'm going speak to my aunt later, try and get her to find out for definite whats going on. I don't think I'm being unreasonable to ask that he comes a different weekend if he can. Otherwise... Well, I dunno.

[Flyingpiglet]

I've become increasingly pissed off during my lunch break. Pissed off to the point where I'm wanting to scream at something/sombody.

 

My heart is doing its little fluttery firey jig, and I don't know why!

 

Haha, pathetic, needy, insecure. Holding out for sombody to confirm my worth. Waiting for somebody to make me feel wanted/needed. And fast realising I'm wasting my time!

 

Wondering............ That's all!

[Flyingpiglet]

Ok, so this is how it started…

 

I never really knew what to expect when I started a journal. I’ve never been one for writing things down and I don’t have a very good way with words. At the time, I was having slight problems with anxiety after the break up, but like everything in my life, it was purely circumstantial.

I thought writing my feelings down in a journal might help! Humph! *sigh*

Over the last month or so, I was trying to use this as some sort or cathartic sounding board, but it has turned into something else, something that is causing me more problems than it is fixing.

Why? Because often, I find I don’t have anything interesting to say. Then I start to feel incredibly negative about myself, then I go on to write something in here, and then wonder why I bother because I don’t have anything interesting to say. This generally just sends me into a self pitying mood that takes some getting out of. It’s a vicious downward spiral!

 

I read some of the other journals and marvel at how well written they are and in some, how people interact with each other.

 

Anyway, I don’t quite know where I’m going with all that, but the bottom line is, I want to stop. However, unfortunately for me I find I have a somewhat flawed character that makes me obsess or get addicted (I can’t find the right word) and I just can’t seem to walk away.

I thought about asking if I could have it locked down but don’t really imagine that as an option either. What would be the point when I could just start another one!

 

I have thought about doing that anyway, start a different journal with a different perspective ‘And Pigs Might Fly - Volume 2’ but between then and now, I’m not sure what’s changed! I don’t feel like I’ve changed, although the focus of my ‘down’ time might have morphed into something different. In general, I am a lot happier… But that just gives me less to write about.

 

With regards to Stu, yeah I’m still a little pissed about what he did. And I still wonder if I’ll meet someone who I feel that relaxed and happy with again. But, I’m not hankering after a reunion. Whatever, I don’t care if I never see him or hear of him again. The difficulty is that it cannot be avoided it seems! But I am going to see what I can do about that.

 

Could I have a healing journal, NOPE…! I have nothing to heal from. I’m not broken anymore and I have nothing in place that is going to change the person I am. I don’t know if I need to change the person I am. I think the biggest thing I can do for myself is stop focusing on the negative…. i.e. Stop posting in this journal.

 

A dating journal maybe… But I’m not dating! I want to date, but at the minute, I’m just not prepared to put the effort in. I’m on a dating site but after chatting with a few different guys for a few days, I just really lost interest. So yup, I want to date, but I want Mr perfect to land on my doorstep. I’m no fool; I know that’s not going to happen that way but…. Maybe I’ll do online again at a later date. For now…Well, the winter/Christmas season has never been my best anyway so I’m probably better off alone!

 

So the moral of this…. I’m going to try and spend a little less time in my journal, in my own head! I’m going to wean myself off it. Like I did with the cigarettes, like I did with the alcohol.

I might well keep a paper journal, and at the end of each week, I might post here, or I might not. I might post every other day, I might not! but I will not obsess about it!

If there is any specific problem or something I want advice/opinions on I will post a thread. I don’t know what I’m going to do going forward! But I’ll carry on carrying on. My life isn’t half bad you know! x

[In the Dark]

Yes take time away from writing in your journal and see if the things which you ponder over pass, rather than over analyze and 'complicate' as you like to call it.

 

For sure there are somethings which can not just fix when you want them to even though you are being ro-active about it.

Life just pans out differently from person to person.

Some people do get to see the silver platter more than others.

 

Is there envy?

For sure there can be.

 

No one likes to have the door closed for them while the person behind them is given a special ticket which you were never told about which automatically lets them in.

 

As for being good at things.....as you had mentioned.

You need to have a passion and drive for it before you can pursue it.

I am sure there are things which you wish to do and really want to do.

Whatever they are, never be concerned about what other people think about it.

What other peoples opinions on whatever it maybe are irrelevant.

What counts is personal satisfaction and not the opinions of others.

 

I have struggled with this with music and the scene I am associated with.

Maybe once upon a time I had an interest in what they are into but now I have branched off.

Doing what I can do rather than doing something which pleases someone else.

[Flyingpiglet]

Part of the problem, I just don't have any passion for anything. I don't have the drive for anything!

I've always just coasted through life, not ambitious, no real direction... And its never really bothered me. It still doesn't mostly. But I think about it more now. I just feel kinda stagnant, stuck, like I've reached my peak and this is it. This is as good as it gets now and the best I can hope for is to just level out here. I can't remember the saying... something about the difference between existing and living? Well it feels like I've chosen to just exist. Yep, I've CHOSEN IT. I'm not convinced I have the mental energy for anything else.

But after saying all that, I'm not miserable. At least 80%, maybe even 90% of the time these days I'm okay or better! I guess what I'm saying is, it could be a whole lot worse!

 

But on another note. And what I originally came to say....

He's apparently not coming that weekend, which is good.

But he's altered his plans to be fair to me so I've been told. Which is fine and nobody has a problem with that... Apart from me! Why?

Well, because it makes him a nice, thoughtful guy right? is it wrong that that somehow makes me mad?

Is it because on some level I wanted to see him? Possibly!

Doesn't matter now anyway!

 

Thats all

[Flyingpiglet]

OUCH... Just found two emails from him in my archive at work... One said: 'miss you babes, can't wait to see you!... OUCH

 

Thought I'd deleted them all... I have now

[Flyingpiglet]

Well, I've had one of the most girlie afternoons/evenings I've ever had.

 

Been shopping with girlfriends. Bought underwear, makeup, false nails and a dress... If you knew me you would know how unusual it is for me to (A) go shopping (B) buy a dress and © actually enjoy it!

 

Went to an italian for food after and had a good old gossip, time to relax with a glass of wine and prepare for an ealry night I think... Shopping takes it out of me!

 

Oooh, I feel like a proper girl

[anya1607307555]

Hehe, nice to hear you happy. False nails, now you ARE talking girly

 

Was the Italian place Ask by any chance?

[Flyingpiglet]

I'm not sure what it was called, it was a choice of many restaurants/fast food joints with varying menus (Shopping Centre), chosen buy someone else! (I'm really not fussy where or what I eat... As long as its tasty)! Don't think I've heard of Ask...?!

 

All this girly stuff is for a works Christmas party that I'm going to with a friend as her BF can't go! Just wait till I try to stick the false nails on... I'll end up with them stuck anywhere apart from where they're meant to be stuck! Better remember to put my tights on first or I don't know how I'll manage. lol.

 

Got new shoes too so I am wearing them round the house for the next week or two so I can be confident I can shake my thang on the dance floor without getting sore feet!

[anya1607307555]

It's a chain (a bit like Jamie's Italian), and I can vouch that their risotto is very, very yummy! What did you eat?

 

Lol, I have never worn false nails, nor can I imagine doing so. It took me years to stop biting my own but now I'm quite anal about keeping them neat and filed! I paint them with clear nail varnish especially to make them sparkle and admire them in the light lol *geek*

[Flyingpiglet]

I just went for the old faithfull calzone, I'm a definite wuss when it comes to trying new foods.

There is a sushi bar where we were as well, I really want to try sushi but daren't take the plunge. Just the thought of it being raw fish eeewwwww, but some people say its really nice!

I will have to get together with somebody who likes it so I can try a bit of there's! Then I can always buy a McD's if I can't eat it!

 

I've tried false nails a few times in the past for special occasions but normally fail miserably... They either end up wonky or fall off after an hour or I just can't do normal everyday things (like pull zippers up and fasten shoe laces)! lol.

These that I have bought are short so we'll see how I get on....

I am terrible for nail biting. And when I run out of nails to nibble I start on the skin around the nails and even the cuticles. Now the whole area is a right mess!

I want to stop but dont even realise I'm doing it half the time... How did you do it anya? I want nice natural sparkly nail to admire

[In the Dark]

Never understood the nail biting habit.

But then I don't understand how my Boss can concentrate so hard when digging his ears with a modified dental tool.

I can often see my boss just over his monitor looking like he is concentrating really hard working on something.

But now I come to the conclusion he is just digging his ears and playing patience.

 

Sushi is really good and a great healthy substitute for the generic take outs.

Haven't had Calzone in a long time.

[Flyingpiglet]

Haha, that sounds like me... Only nail biting not ear digging. And often minesweeper instead of patience lol.

 

I hate that i bite me nails but don't realise I'm doing it unless someone stops me or I bite off a bit too much skin and make it sore

I did get some varnish one to put on that tastes really bitter so you kinda realise as soon as you put your nails in your mouth, but that dosen't work for the skin! Then I tried some bitter liquid that you dipped your entire finger ends in.. That was ok until you tried to eat finger foods etc. It would transfer really easily onto whatever you touched! Yuck!

Haha, excuses excuses!!!

 

Maybe if I wore false nails for a while it would get me out of the habit... Problem is, I'm not sure I could do some off my regular jobs at work if I had nails lol. Might be ok with these short ones. could be worth a try!

 

As for sushi... I don't know many places that do it near me but I will have to try it one day! I'll have to make sure I go to this shopping centre again with someone who definitely likes it.

I guess I just don't like spending money on something that I might not like... Eating out is so expensive these days!

[anya1607307555]

I've never had calzone, well unless you're including tomato and mozzerella pizza in that! lol. I like sushi but I'm no expert, I don't know the names of all the set pieces or whatever. Yeah, sharing is the way to go for trying something new.

 

I was never as bad as chewing skin (although I've had plenty of skin pulls in my time - ouch), I just used to habitually bite any slight bit of white that appeared, so they never had a chance to grow. And I really couldn't tell you a secret way to stop. I tried the horrible tasting nail varnish, which I just used to remove because the nails still went in my mouth! I think it was as simple as deciding I wanted to grow them and paint them. I know...will power huh, who knew lol. Try growing them, once you become conscious of them going in your mouth, you can change the behaviour. I think I was like you before, I just did it absentmindedly. Saying that though, I've recently got into the habit of picking them

[anya1607307555]

Never understood the nail biting habit.

But then I don't understand how my Boss can concentrate so hard when digging his ears with a modified dental tool.

I can often see my boss just over his monitor looking like he is concentrating really hard working on something.

But now I come to the conclusion he is just digging his ears and playing patience.

 

Sushi is really good and a great healthy substitute for the generic take outs.

Haven't had Calzone in a long time.

 

New avatar is a surprise. The stability of the wolf was comforting

[Flyingpiglet]

I'm going to have to find some friends who like sushi, I'm even wondering if they had some little bits to try for free as I'm pretty sure its not as well known/eaten in the UK as it seems to be in alot of other places! Will have to check that out! I didn't know there were all different types??? I get the feeling sushi could be confusing... I'm only just getting the hang of nandos and subway etc with all the choices you have to make... (I don't get out much lol)

 

Don't start picking them! it could be a slippery slope lol.

I think part of the problem is because I've bitten the skin and cuticles so much, when the grow back they are rough and hard and have bits sticking off that are just ripe for biting.... Typing this is making me realise just how disgusting a habit it is! haha. I'm going to conscioulsy try to not do it now!!! Might go and get some really brightly coloured nail varnish so it catches my eye when i bring them up to my face...

It would be nice to have posh nails, I am self conscious of my hands anyway cos they are right long and skinny..... There's only one way isn't there.... Self control, will power and discipline! I'm on it

 

I had to check who I was talking to when Christmas Grinch popped up too.... took me by surprise as serious fox is all I've ever known! I've only just realised that you changed your sig too ItD lol

 

I'm just mucho observant

[In the Dark]

I've had quite a few avatars over the time I have been here.

I don't think I stuck with any avatar in particular.

I chose the Tibetan Sand Fox because due to evolution and adaptation to their environment to capture food, the side effect was the shape of their face caused them to have a permanently serious expression.

 

Serious is something I can be a bit too often at times.

 

The current avatar is based on my view of the Christmas season.

[Flyingpiglet]

I've had an odd night tonight... wasn't going to post cos I want to keep the happy me.. But I can't sleep now for things buzzing around in my mind. But happy me is still here, just had an odd night.

 

Been to see dad without my sister for the first time since his stroke. Nearly didn't go but I am so glad I did. I've had a really nice time and for some reason felt so much more relaxed than I do when we are all there. It doesn't make any sense to me that but its just a strange feeling. Him and his girlfriend have told me they plan to get married next week. Apparently, because dad has very limited mobility after his stroke, thay can have a registrar come to the house to marry them so that is the plan. They have talked about getting wed for ages, sometimes, I guess it takes something like what has happened to make things actually happen. We've reminised a little and both me and my dad have admitted (in his limited speech) that we haven't been the best father/daughter duo. We've both made our mistakes. Though I will never be glad for what happened to him, I am glad that we have had this opportunity to make our peace and get to know each other again. I was almost ready to post on here saying that there had been tears tonight... But happy ones!

 

Then the phone rang, cousin stephen..... I don't know who reads this but you will have to know the story to undersatnd it all. I haven't spoken to him since the whole Stu getting a new girlfriend fiasco and him not having the guts to tell me (maybe it wasn't his place... whatever). I have been holding onto a little bit of resentment towards him for that. My reasoning being that I think it would have been nice for him to tell me rather than let me find out over FB (the reason why I deactivated my account) Anyway, we've had it out tonight. I understand now a little about why he didn't, and I think he undersatnds a little about why he should have. It completely tore my world to bits for a second time when I found out and I could have used a little support. Anyway, we have chatted for over an hour and there have been tears and tantrums, and now I just want it to be all ok. The awful thing is, I can't separate the two people in my mind. My cousin Stephen and my ex Stu. Its like they come as a package almost as they have been best buddies forever. I would never have met Stu if it wasn't for Stephen.

 

I thought it was all behind me but I have to acknowledge that if I spend time with my cousin, I will end up getting upset over it all over again. I wish I had control over it but I don't. I don't want it to be that way but it will. Unless he agree's that Stu treated me like crap in the end, and tells me that he isn't the nice bloke we all thought he was, I am not going to be okay with it... And yes I know that is wrong! He wants me to go and visit him and his new girlfriend at the weekend but I won't. I have tried to explain how I feel and asked him to give me some time but he thinks I'm being unreasonable... I KNOW I'm being unreasonable but I can't help it!

 

I have even admitted out loud for the first time tonight that I don't actually like myself very much. Its not about Stu anymore, its bigger than that. it was like this before and always has been, Stu was mearly a temporary distraction. It has been like this forever.... So how the hell do I expect anyone else to like me?

I'm full of bluster sometime but if you strip me right back... There is nothing. I don't want to feel like this anymore! I don't want to feel anymore!

 

Just having a bad night guys... I'll be back on top tomorrow! Just needed to get this off my chest for all the harm or good it might do!

[In the Dark]

Sometimes just letting it out and having someone listen/read and respond other than people who know you in person can be an unbiased and interesting food for thought type answer.

 

Sometimes one on one conversations with someone in the family where serious matter have happened can sprout some other conversations which would otherwise not be brought up.

Unfortunate how it works like that.

 

But I guess it changes ones thoughts when a near death experience happens.

Stopping someone being so hard headed, making them realize there is more to life then petty squabbles which get retained for no reason.

 

I've had this situation happen with each of my parents under various circumstances where health is concerned.

 

People handle post breakups differently and Stephen probably does not know the full impact it has on you unless he was you.

 

But then you mention about not liking yourself.

How could this have impacted on your relationship with Stu if it has?

 

What makes you dislike yourself?

Are there valid points?

I know you say you do like anything as a hobby.

But as far as that, I'm not certain what else it could be.

[Flyingpiglet]

I did feel better for writing it down. Sometimes it makes me feel worse but this time it seemed to work in my favor. I went pretty much straight to sleep afterwards

 

I’m really happy that me and Dad are building bridges to reach each other again. It may be wrong but it would never have happened if not for his illness. Because neither of us would have acknowledged and accepted our faults in the way our attitude to one another has evolved. I can tell you one thing for sure… He’s a fighter! This time a couple of months ago we didn’t think he would be here for Christmas, now there is even a chance he might see next Christmas! The hospital has given him 12 months but his ever optimistic ‘fiancé’ is going for a second opinion, and to be honest, I have to agree that he is looking better in himself than he has for ages so if they can successfully treat the cancer, who knows. He’s mega frustrated that he hasn’t regained the use of his right side yet but we try to keep his spirits up with just how much he has achieved in the few months since it happened.

 

I think the thing that frustrated me most about Stephen is that he did know how upset I was after the initial break-up. He did admit, after some cajoling and trying to say that he didn’t think I needed to know, that the real reason he didn’t tell me himself was that he was a coward (his words not mine) and didn’t know how to, he apologized for that so that should be the end of it right? But I couldn’t let it go.

I think a part of me, and I know its wrong but, part of me wants to hear Stephen say that Stu is a top grade A hole for the way he treated me, but all he said was that Stu has only said that he could have handled it better. Then went on to tell me that they have only in the last week or two become official on Facebook! What part of “I HAVE DEACTIVATED MY ACCOUNT BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW ANYTHING” did you not understand!!!!!

I could go on for ages about how the conversation unfolded but suffice to say, I got angry and upset while Stephen tried to rationalize his best buddy’s actions which just got me even more angry and upset! It was a lose lose situation from the get go really!

 

I don’t know how me not liking myself will have impacted on my relationship. I can only guess anyway because I don’t know the real reason why he left. The reasons he gave me all proved to be BS when he hooked up with someone else (straight after or during… I don’t know)

But I do think I became somewhat needy and clingy during our time together! I have always though I was an independent person but I’m questioning that now. On the outside, I act all independent but really, I think I’m pretty bloody desperate! I just want to feel worthy (not sure if that’s the right word) and I am totally 100% emotionally insecure. I want to be somebody’s everything I guess. I’ve never been even close to being the most important thing in anybody’s life and at nearly 36, that seems wrong somehow! It’s like I need someone else to validate my worth?!

 

So I guess I’m selfish, insecure, jealous, needy I don’t know really, I’m not sure that I dislike myself, I just don’t like myself so much either! (Go figure) lol.

I worry about what people think of me too much and judge myself how I think other people are judging me which I usually think is on the negative. (Especially after writing essays like this)

 

Part of the problem I think is I cannot compartmentalize things. I can’t separate the good bits form the bad bits, the good feelings from the bad feelings. Mostly I think I just go through life in my little bubble and all is well and fine. But anything out of that middle comfort zone, I think I intensify it somehow and let it go to extremes. Maybe that’s why I often end up making no sense! (Even to myself) I drag my emotions through my everyday life and that’s unfair because then they impact on anybody I spend time with!

 

But after all that… If anybody has managed to get to the end of that ranting (thanks for reading, lol), you’ll be pleased to know that, despite everything said above… I’m pretty much back to where I was before yesterday.

 

I’m still (strangely) looking forward to getting dressed up and going out in my new dress and false nails lol.

And I am thankful for what I have got. Maybe I’ll improve with age

[anya1607307555]

I've had quite a few avatars over the time I have been here.

I don't think I stuck with any avatar in particular.

I chose the Tibetan Sand Fox because due to evolution and adaptation to their environment to capture food, the side effect was the shape of their face caused them to have a permanently serious expression.

 

Serious is something I can be a bit too often at times.

 

The current avatar is based on my view of the Christmas season.

 

Haha oh yeah, that'll be fox not wolf