And Pigs Might Fly

[Flyingpiglet]

Thanks anya...

 

I'm not sure I've done very well though. Pretty much another day of nothingness. I'm not sure if I'm content or numb.

Had a friend visit, not seen her for a while, she has just started out her own private counselling business after graduating uni this earlier this year! She was showing me the her web site and I am so so proud of her. This girl deserves all the happiness life can give her.

I thought about picking her brain about counselling etc. But didn't. I wonder if counselling would help my with my self esteem and negative thought process? (obvioulsy not my friend)

 

Going out for dinner with the family tonight, once again I wish I wasn't. I would much prefer to just sit in and do nothing for a while longer. I am becoming a bit of a recluse, having to force myself to go out!

 

I really am going to have to shake myself up soon!

[Flyingpiglet]

Self pity is so ugly lol. What I need is a bloody slap not counselling haha. Pull yourself together piglet!

[In the Dark]

I think you know exactly what the issues are which you need to resolve with yourself.

Maybe this just needs more time to get over.

[Flyingpiglet]

Maybe a bit strong to say I know exactly what the issues are. I know what some of my issues are, but I don't know why things make me feel/react the way I do.

 

If I'm honest and straight to the point, I don't think I'm helping myself by posting here, in a journal, but I somehow can't seem to stop!

 

I have more issues with myself now than I had when I came. I am becoming addicted to being unhappy, I constantly compare myself to other people and I dislike being around people because of that and because they always make me feel like I'm not quite good enough. And I'm not, you know why?

 

Because I'm snappy / miserable / short tempered etc. I'm jealous of what other people have. I can't just be happy for people. And I can't hide it. Tonight I have been out and I have felt my brothers girlfriends opinion of me going down down down. And I don't blame her, I've been horrible!

 

But there is still the old me in there somewhere. On here, this part of me only comes out in my journal...

 

But I'm not going to say I'm leaving it, lol, not again!

 

I don't expect anyone to give a damn, I never expected this journal to carry on this long, I want to stop pretending I have any problems. Perhaps I have to convince myself I've got problems to justify my being here?

 

I know its all nonsense!

 

I just want to be part of something, to belong perhaps. But I know it doesn't have to be like this

 

And lastly, I hate it when I have pity party posts like this, but hey ho... Such is life. (I'm defo on one tonight.... *Sulking*) lol

[anya1607307555]

I think sometimes we get bogged down with trying to understand why things happen, to the extent that it prevents us from moving on. I do think it's important to understand why we behave certain ways but I feel often, understanding can and does come later. Focusing on making firm changes to become who we want to be, can be the best thing we can do.

 

Perhaps make a list of the changes you would like to see..

[Flyingpiglet]

I don't know what to change,

 

I've made so many lifestyle changes in the last year, even the last months, I don't know where else to go!

I've always had a bit of a problem with judging myself against other people but never to the extent that I do now.

I know that I'm the only person capable of making this stop, and I know people in real time and on here will soon get fed up of me feeling sorry for myself and constantly looking for reassurance.

And I know when I'm in a better mood, tomorrow maybe, I will hate what I have posted tonight because I want to be liked and respected and I know I wouldn't like or respect someone like me! haha!

[anya1607307555]

We all need reassurance on times, nothing wrong with that. Makes you human x

[In the Dark]

This is the thing you will find with eNA.

It can be a crutch when you're hurting and there is no one to talk to about the way you feel or you can not talk to the people around you about the way you feel.

It's an escape from the things going on in real life for some.

 

The catch is breaking away from eNA enough to do the things you NEED to do in real life.

[Flyingpiglet]

I feel like I've just really pissed some people off! Sorry!

I really don't like this person I've become on here so its time to change

This could be a turning point!

[90_hour_sleep]

I feel like I've just really pissed some people off! Sorry!

I really don't like this person I've become on here so its time to change

This could be a turning point!

 

oh piggy. those sentiments really resonate.

 

i'm like a stranger to myself most days.

 

what a marvelous feeling when you reconnect with a part of yourself that's been lying dormant though. whoever it is that you have become...rest assured that it is not the person you really are. there's a joyful piggy within...and she's longing to get out.

 

she will. she will. you just have to know when to let her out.

 

there are a million cheeseball songs about it...but listen to your heart.

[Flyingpiglet]

Hey 90...

 

This is probably one of the strangest moments I've ever had... It's half 4 in the morning and I feel happier than I have in ages! Like a little piece of me just woke up.... I don't know.

I'm wide awake now though lol. Perhaps there's a small part of me that daren't go back to sleep incase I forget the feeling. If only I was better at putting feelings into written words then I would do it here... But this will have to do for now!

 

Yep, I can feel my happy self just tap tap tapping asking to come out! And my heart is doing a little jig!

[90_hour_sleep]

i had one of those moments last week!

 

soak it up.

[Flyingpiglet]

I just hope it last... Arrggghhhh! Please tell me it will last

[Flyingpiglet]

3 months since I came here. And things are better now than they were then.

Not perfect, but better!

[90_hour_sleep]

I just hope it last... Arrggghhhh! Please tell me it will last

 

it didn't last for me...not long anyway.

 

didn't wanna hijack your vibe. keep in mind...none of us are on the same plan. you need what you need...and i need what i need.

thinking that's why it's utterly useless to compare one's experience to that of another. can you really make heads or tails of something based on someone else's experience? i'd consider it a momentus coincidence if such an event ever came to fruition! reminds me of living my life according to someone else's experiential filter. that would be a tragedy. more accurately...it IS a tragedy...because it happens regularly.

 

anyway. thanks for the b-day wishes piglet! i appreciate that. hope your vibe is still kicking it's feet. live it up!!

[Flyingpiglet]

I'm sorry it didn't last for you 90. Hopefully you'll get more of those vibes, and I hopefully they'll stay longer next time

Mine hit me quick, left me spinning a little but then settled down into something just better than before. So everytime, my fresh start gets a little better!

Its what I hope for everybody!!

 

That little bit of 'betterness' want of a better, or even a real word, propelled me to clear one job of the few that have been hanging about for days, weeks, months even. That gave me another reason to be a little bit happier!

 

I'm hoping this will gather momentum

[Flyingpiglet]

Debating, whether or not to get a bottle of wine tonight!

[Flyingpiglet]

^Well I didn't. I refrained. I'm drinking green tea with lemon and eating sour cream pringles!

 

There's been a couple of moments just this evening were I've been teetering on the edge of the precipice, mainly due to thinking that nobody was listening, or if they were listening, they weren’t hearing.

 

And thats a large part of the reason why I didn't succumb to the call of the bottle, I could have taken a few dramatic steps back if I had!

 

All good now though.

[Flyingpiglet]

Woke up in a stinking foul mood again. Oh joy!

Just gone 8am, could be a long day!

[Flyingpiglet]

And I HATE cliques.

 

Or is it just because I'm not in one?

 

Hmmmm

[In the Dark]

Eh I'm the same.

Not a fan of cliques anyway.

I dislike the exclusivity which seems to go along with them.

 

I also have been in a foul mood today.

It's strange, I could feel it coming on since yesterday.

 

I tend not to post on here much when I feel that way.

[Flyingpiglet]

Yeah, I wouldn't mind so much but I feel really self conscious... Like, would it hurt for people to just be friendly 'Hi, how you doing' rather than give you that 'you don't belong here' look! Ugghhh

 

Ah well, luckily for me, the mood is passing ok... Hope yours is too

[Flyingpiglet]

 

And, it would appear that me and Mike are no longer friends anyway. I can't be coping with this right now. Would appear he's got enough problems of his own too and I think he was looking for more! Yeah Yeah.... Guess I was kidding myself that he could just want to be a friend.

 

 

Hahahaha, ^^ he has just mailed.... over the dating site that I'm on! OH POO. lol. Thats quite funny! haha

[Flyingpiglet]

Today I’ve been thinking about me, and even though it hasn’t put me in a mood as such, it has put me on a bit of a downer! I’m just not good at anything!

I wish I was artistic in some way… But I’m not.

And I don’t truly believe that it can be learnt, you’re either born with it or you’re not.

I can’t sing

I can’t dance

I’m useless with written words

I can’t draw or paint

I can’t play an instrument (I have tried a few when I was younger)

I have no eye for home décor

I have no fashion sense to speak of

I can’t even style my own hair very well

And I’m useless at applying makeup.

 

Seriously, I’m not trying to beat up on myself and I'm not sat at my desk crying into my coffee but I truly can’t think of anything I’m good at

 

I was fully intent to try photography, but I don’t seem to have got very far with that, I did mention it to my sister who initially said she would introduce me to one of her friends who is a professional photographer.

But now she’s decided she is going to try photography herself, has got her bf to get her a camera for Crimbo (will be better than anything I can afford) and is taking tips/tricks/hints off her friends. She’ll be way better at it than I ever could be. And I don’t want to go into competition with her. I’ll only end up feeling inferior!!!

 

So what can I do instead…?

 

I have got wanderlust now. I’m 35 and have never travelled abroad for pleasure. There is this whole wide world out there and I’ve sat here, in my little town with my head buried in the sand, oblivious.

I’m at the age and think I have the confidence now were I would be more than happy to travel alone, at least to any English speaking country anyway I think. But at the minute, I can barely afford to pay my bills. Almost makes me regret buying a house when I did. I should have travelled first! Humph!

 

So, head meets brick wall once again, but I’m not sulking yet, just daydreaming!

Guess it’s written in the stars that I’m never going to take the world by storm in any way, shape or form!

 

Oh well... Back to work then!

[Flyingpiglet]

So its been a good old boring day. Read through some jounals, tried (and failed) to zone out of my 17 year old brothers voice. How is it that some people just have voices that get through no matter what you do to zone out! Had to go for a walk with the dog for some peace... He decided to come with me! Argghhhh!

But he is going to look after the dog tonight while I go visit a friend so its not all bad. Means I can have a glass or two of wine and stay over!

 

Neighbours have been doing their preening stuff and getting right on my wick. Its like they know everything I wish I could afford to do to my house and they are doing it to theirs... And then gloating about it! I'm sure thats not how its intended but just how it seems! Its the smug smiles they wear that do it! ha

 

Ah well... Better get my ass in gear, only brough laptop upstairs to listen to music, and ended up back here! Crazy...

 

Gotta go