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And Pigs Might Fly


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OK, So why am I starting a journal.....


Don't ask me, I'm not sure to be honest. I guess that almost everyday there is something I want to post on ENA but its probably all been said before in one way or another and I'm just looking for different or more answers and interactions. I guess this way I can just stick everything and anything on here without any expectations that people are going to reply (and tell me what I want to hear) lol.


That said, feel free to comment,offer advice, thoughts or just for the hell of it whenever you like.


Now, I'm not going to set myself rules as such, but... I am going to try and post here everyday even just if its for one sentence/thought/feeling. Sometimes I will be happy, sometimes I will be sad, sometimes I will be just OK but this is mine right.... I can be whatever I want to be! And sometimes it will just be absolute rambling on!!


I was never any good at keeping a diary, so who knows how this will turn out! Today could well be my first and last post!


What else is there to say.....

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So, I'm starting from today...


It's 1:15 pm and I am plastering on a smile and getting ready for an afternoon sesh! Gulp, could get messy! A bit dubious, Mike is coming up and I know he holds a torch for me. I have been honest though and told him that (a) I am not ready or looking for ANYTHING from anybody at the moment apart from friendship and (b) that as much as I enjoy his company, I don't feel that connection with him! I know he respects that for now so I'm just going to enjoy!


Hope I don't get upset after a few drinks, must avoid talking about my situation (and how I feel) at the moment. I want to forget about it all just for a few days for now, I'm feeling pretty good.


Found a MASSIVE grey hair... Christ, it was winking at me while I got ready! I pulled it, perhaps 5 more will grow! Could be time to go blond again so they're less noticeable maybe!


Better try to eat something, Mike will be here in an hour!


Ta ta for now


x x


Right now, I'm listening to **Red Hot Chili Peppers - Give It Away**

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Ok. so Mikes come back for a drink or two... All's good, we are getting along great and undertatnding that we are just friends.


Sister phoned while i was out, dad has had a bad stroke.... he may not make it but docs have said he should live through the night at least. I will go see him tomorrow. I'm not heartless.... I am fighting the tears but this is a man that has taken and never given!


Thne dog has been stung in the ass by as a wasp.



Gotta go,




x x

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Can't help but think about dad..... Really struggling on how to deal with this. Might even be worthy of its own post (depending on tomorrow's possible visit). The man has never made me feel anything but worthless. Why should I feel guilty for not feeling devastated that he is apparently laid in bed unable to talk or move!


I wish I could love you dad, I wish you had been a dad. I wish I had had the motivation to rush to your bedside.


I often wonder if I will regret not making my peace with you, but every time I try, you just expext me to run around after you! I love you.... But I hate you! I don't even know how to explain how I feel! There are no words!


I know you didn't ask for this to happen but.... Where the hell am I meant to turn at the minute!


I want to hide from life! Where can I go????


x x


Listening to **Wannadies - Always And Forever**

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i feel inspired just now. firstly...because i actually saw a mural of FLYING PIGS on a wall in canmore, alberta last weekend!! still wishing i'd had a camera. whatever. made me smile.


second...''stop the world''...reminds me of a john mayer song -- stop this train -- and of a day where i listened to it on repeat. wonder if you're feeling at all like i felt that day??


and then...your friend mike. i have a friend...i'll just call her C. she happens to be passing through tonight. sigh. feels like it's a similar relationship as what you've got with mr mike. i dunno. you remind me of me. like...we're on the same road just now. maybe that's comforting.





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I wish you'd had a camera too, I would have liked to see that.

How did you feel that day..... (I'm curious cos I'm still trying to figure how to 'write' what I feel)


I just hate waking up every morning and having to deal with 'things' all over again. I sometimes don't even know what those 'things' are! lol.


And, it would appear that me and Mike are no longer friends anyway. I can't be coping with this right now. Would appear he's got enough problems of his own too and I think he was looking for more! Yeah Yeah.... Guess I was kidding myself that he could just want to be a friend.


Missed the last train home, (my fault???? NO!)

Can't get a taxi, (My Fault???? NO!)

Getting banned from using your regular taxi firm cos you are verbally abusing them down the phone. (My Fault???? NO!)


So I tried to calm him down..... he just kept walking away, set off walking home.


So what did I do, got in my car and tried to find him.... Saw the police, did some ridiculous U turn and came home. How the hell I didn't get pulled I will never know God that was sooo bad, I was WAY over the limit. I'm so ashamed.


Anyways, he got home, sent me an email over FB then deleted me lol. I don't really care so much but its just annoyed the hell outta me! I have NEVER led him on and now he's saying its 'clear that I don't like him' Well ya know what mister I HAVE BIGGER FISH TO FRY!!!!!!!!!!!


More later......


x x


**The Cranberries - I Can't be with you**

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I love what you did to me

I hate what you've done to me

I don't know how to feel about how I feel

I'm still waiting for you to call and say.....


I'm sorry

I miss you

Please forgive me


That isn't a thought/feeling about Mike... Just wanted to make that clear!


**The Cure - 10:15 Saturday Night**


x x

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Self doubt..... A way of life or a state of mind???


You know... Sometimes I just want to run away. Just to see if anybody would come find me!


Damn it, I'm getting addicted to this Journal.... Ah well, Not hurting anybody. Focus, Focus, Focus........ FIXATE!


bizarre, I like that word


x x


Listening to: **Adele - Rolling in the Deep**

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Hey Huckster,


Feel free to use the line in a song... Honoured


Sorry to hear you're not on top at the moment. We will keep going, what else is there!


I'm going to ramble on here for the foreseeable future where I know (or hope) that there is no judgement.


Just dump my thoughts right here. Whatever they are


Its going to be a journey..... One that I'm looking forward to!


I read this (or similar) somewhere twice the other day... I liked it........


When things are looking bad and hopeless, remember this:

Sometimes things need to fall apart so that other things can fall into place.


x x

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I'm over thinking this now, this is meant to be a place for me to put thoughts and feeling as they happen so why am I sat here, looking, thinking, what to write! I don't need to write anything.


I feel like a fraud. Not sure I'm ready to explain why yet. But then why do I care what other people think anyway!


I want to try hypnotherapy, I want to know whats inside my head that makes me feel so.... I dunno, stifled I guess!


Maybe I should talk about Spanish Frank that is currently living in my attic... 3 more weeks then he's gone.... Will have to grit my teeth and bide my time. Won't be long!


Maybe I should talk about daddy dearest. Not sure I can touch on that so much yet... Still processing....!


Maybe I should talk about the Man who brought me here.... The one who knows everything about everybody that hurt me (in such a short space of time, am I STUPID or what) wish you were here


Maybe I should stop talking for today! We'll see.... It is kinda addictive this you know. I'm enjoying spouting random crap for no other reason that.... well, Just because I can! Thats my favorite line, and could have been a good memory!


Might watch a bit of tv....


At the moment, listening to **Dido - My Life**


x x

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Maharishi Phucknuckel’s Guide to Zen




Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just f--- off and leave me alone.


The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.


The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.


Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.


Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.


Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.


Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.


Never test the depth of the water with both feet.


If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments


Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.


If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.


If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.


Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.


Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.


Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.


The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.


A closed mouth gathers no feet.


There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.


Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.


Never miss a good chance to shut up.


Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse


The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.




Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.

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Still don't know whats happening with dad!


Wish I could explain this better... Just incase anybody is actually reading this bull crap.


I don't like the guy.... OK!

Wrong... Maybe!

Will I regret.... Maybe!


I can't bear the thought of him being unable to function... but equally, I cant bear the thought of having to be there to function for him.


midnight here in my world... I have to go to bed... I have to work soon.


Will I sleep?




Smile at me if you are there.... whoever you are!


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Today I feel low,


There are certain people that I know I should stay away from.


Not because they have done me wrong as such, but for some reason, I just feel so down after interacting with them.


Not sure how I'm going to get through today but I guess I have to.


Would the world really miss me if I wasn't here anymore!!??!!




08:30am better start work

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So I went up to see cousin last night. I am slightly worried about him. I think he’s getting himself into a potentially explosive situation. He will come off worse, I’m sure of it. But that’s by the by. That’s not what I’m writing about right now. God how selfish am I


I have been avoiding him for a while as I know that being around him makes me unstable due to the fact that he is SH’s best friend. But he phoned me to tell me about some ridiculous thing he had been up to (ref 1st paragraph) and I suddenly felt the need to go see him. I needed to ask the question again, so I went under the shroud of feigning interest in his latest shenanigans.


I feel uncomfortable around him now, he is almost manic in how he acts or perhaps it is my perception that has changed…. When I was happy with SH, I was probably a different person. This is so complicated. Anyway, I asked him… have you spoke to SH, he said no, I don’t know if I believe him. I told him he hasn’t accepted my friend request. He just shrugged his shoulders. He made light of it, like it didn’t really matter so much. I guess to him it doesn’t. What is it that I actually expect him to do? Then he said that it was my fault that SH didn’t come to visit last time he was home from work. That it was because of me that his best friend didn’t come to see him. I don’t think he did this to sound nasty… I think he maybe thought he was helping. I think he is so ‘involved’ in his own happiness (we’ll see) that he doesn’t want to deal with me. I don’t blame him!


I can’t lie. I have SH on a pedestal at the moment, he never asked for that position and doesn’t deserve it. Until I get the chance to talk to him… I don’t know what will happen to me. I know he is in such a bad place himself right now, I know he has stayed away for my benefit. I just want to talk to him. Not in an emotional wreck kinda way, just in a normal way. But what do I do… I can’t contact him. If he comes to visit cousin next time home, how am I going to cope with that? I can’t bear it… really I can’t. I’m getting anxious, almost panicky just even thinking about it!


Should I ask cousin to tell me when SH is coming? Should I ask him to see if he will please just come see me, just for coffee and an old times (before all this * * * * ) chat! Am I better off not knowing… But that will just mean that the whole three weeks he isn’t at work, I’m going to be a wreck. If I see his car parked up there without prior warning, I may well lose my mind, I will drive too fast, I know these flaws in myself, I will break! But if I know he’s there, I will drive past just to torture myself anyway!


Its going to be really dark for me… I need to go for a walk now…. I have 15 minutes of lunch hour left! I’m shaking, my heart is going to come bounding out of my chest if I don’t go and calm down.


I will be fine

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I have to tell myself that SH is hurting now.... Not because of me, I was never a big enough part of his life, but just because of all the crap he's got going on in his own life!


I don't want to think of him laughing and being genuinely happy right now....


That would mean that the reason we spilt is no longer there....


That makes me probably the most selfish person I know right about now!

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OK, I'm back.


Today, I have laughed so much I nearly cried. There has been some seriously funny stuff going on.


Now I feel kinda drained/deflated/flat.


Hope tomorrow I wake up with the laughter still in me.


Maybe I will keep the journal... Just not focus on it so much! We'll see


Listening to **Coldplay - Warning sign**

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