In the Dark Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 I read what you deleted. Hotmail is good for that unfortunately but still. Nothing to be ashamed about. People take different lengths to get over feeling down. Other factors can also prolong the time and as I know you have some other things which could be resolved not relating to the primary reason why you came here. Link to comment
Flyingpiglet Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 Ha, yeah. Hadn't thought about that! I just don't feel I'm coping well at then moment. Don't know what to do.... Because I don't understand myself! Link to comment
Flyingpiglet Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 I have three potential dates... Nothing planned with them yet but they all seem eager(ish) Not sure I want to carry on with this internet dating malarky but I suppose I should just go along with it for now! Never know, I might enjoy myself Link to comment
Flyingpiglet Posted October 30, 2011 Author Share Posted October 30, 2011 I think I have got into a self destuctive thought pattern....I don't seem to allow myself to be happy for any extended period of time? I've touched on it before on here but I've never really explored it? I need to explore this more but I'm not sure how? There are somethings I've pinpointed in my head that I don't feel comfortable making public, which makes me think that I know they are totally unreasonable! Link to comment
In the Dark Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 Well it's a good thing you have been think the potential issues over. It's whether you act on them or not and hows it affects other people besides yourself. I know I have been caught up in scenarios often where I may have touched on a personal issue or something they are guilty of and don't like people mentioning it even though I do not know they are a certain way. Te end result is I end up with a nasty response, or they end up disappearing. Link to comment
Flyingpiglet Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 Some things, I just need to alter the way I think about them (easier said than done right) My perspective on what really matters is all squiffy! Other things, I need to have it out with people and then either accept their reasons, agree to disagree, or just walk away. I have the feeling it will never be the right time... Can I not just make like a hedgehog and hibernate till next spring! Things are always better in spring! Having a really crap day today, Just had a brief meeting at work... They've announced a pay freeze... AGAIN! So once again, rate of inflation rate is around 5% Income inflation...... A big fat ZERO! And then..... The boss is expecting me to perform some sort of miracle to get some stuff done before Christmas break! I am seriously up the creek without the proverbial paddle! The scary thing is... I have the minimum amout of debt, just one small loan to a family member. My mortgage is low compared to alot of peoples. And I don't have any other debt... Just the cost of living! What am I doing wrong!!! Link to comment
Flyingpiglet Posted October 31, 2011 Author Share Posted October 31, 2011 I keep trying to start a thread about why I don't seem to allow myself to be happy... Can't seem to word it right! I'll keep trying as I woudn't mind getting some views/ideas on why and how to stop being so negative! I've though I found a bug on my rasberries, turned out it was a seed or something... My brother disected it woth a knife before I would believe him lol. My mum has offered to pay me rent If I let my brother stay at mine for a while. I've agreed as I didn't feel I had a choice... I don't really want him here full time. He's one of those young men (17) that seems to attract trouble and the last thing I need is trouble at my door! But mum needs a break from him and she knows I need the money. *shrug* What could I do. Looks like I get to play mother for a while... The house is a tip already and he's only been here one evening! And I got an email this afternoon from someone else interested in my spare room! Typical! The spare room that I am trying to rent is still free as brother is in the box room but, can I really expect anybody else to live with a uncouth teenager and pay me for the privilege. Why is nothing ever straight forward!!!??? Ah, srcew it! I'm going to bed! Link to comment
Flyingpiglet Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 My friends had their first baby last night! I'm so happy for them! 4lbs 13oz... tiny baby. But a happy and healthy family! That just leaves me single and childless then But saying that, today I've decided I really can't be bothered with the dating site. I've been chatting to a few people, none of them really grabbed my attention but I was planning on meeting them all and seeing if there was any sort of spark. But I just can't be bothered with all the chatting and emailing backwards and forwards. I haven't been on for a few days now. It seems like too much effort. I don't know it that means I'm not ready for dating, I'm not cut out for online dating or I'm just a lazy arse that wants everything to fall into my lap! I think I just prefer to meet people in a more natural way... But then I worry about all the potential's I could be missing by not putting the effort in! Maybe I should be honest and tell them I'm not into texting chatting via email for days and arrange to meet them all straight away! I don't know! Does it seem that for some people, good/nice things just happen.. Without them seeming to actually do anything?!?! What I do know is my house is an absolute tip and I haven't got the motivation/energy to tidy it... It's starting to verge on unclean now rather than just untidy which is quite scary! I must do something about it soon. I have every afternoon off work for the rest of the week but thats so I can take the dog out for a good walk before dark (and fireworks) I could be doing it now but.... I'm not, I have no excuse, I'm just not! Link to comment
In the Dark Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Isn't 4lbs and 13oz on the small side for a baby? I was a terror baby over 8lbs and breach birth. I sometimes wonder about being a Father. I'm easy going so if I have a child or not, I don't mind. Yeah dating sites are meh. If there is not enough response from someone in the way of questions it puts me off completely, plus I don't go around picking a handful of people off he site for some reason. Probably due to being like yourself. preferring to meet the more natural way. It can get quite frustrating to see people get things handed to them on a silver platter leaving them, taking those things from granted. I'd like to just casually hang out with a potential partner, but there is always this feeling that because I am not coming on to them, that I don't like them and they immediately friend zone me even though I may mention that I behave in a friendly way. If I am just an acquaintance sparks seem a lot more possible. You REALLY need to take a whole day to just clean the house. Link to comment
Flyingpiglet Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 Yeah it was a tiny tiny baby, something was not quite right and he wasn't getting the right nutrients so they had to inject steroids to help his major organ growth then then induce her... He wasn't actually due until the end of the month but everybody is doing well so thats all that matters really They're the perfect couple and I'm sure they will be the perfect family... I have never been maternal, I just don't do babies, I don't undersatnd the attraction! Maybe it's because my mother is a foster carer so while I was growing up, I was constantly surrounded by screaming babies (still am when I visit mother)!!! ooooohhh the noise just goes through me! I worry that when I get to the age that I having babies is not an option, I will change my mind. Will be too late then though. Huh! I'd love to feel that spark, I really want to feel that spark again! It makes me sad to think that it might never happen! : Been a 2 hour walk with Bruno this aft after having him jabbed at vets! And then had to bath the stinky beast after he rolled in something totally disgusting! Ewww!! Still no time to clean house... Got to nip to shop, get a shower, go see father then it'll be nearly bed time again... And I have to have my eNA fix of course! Maybe I'll find time at the weekend Link to comment
Flyingpiglet Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 Damn it damn it damn it... Just remembered I have finacial advisor dude coming tomorrow lunch time. I better at attempt to make the house presentable at least... and I need to sort out all my paperwork! Bugger! Link to comment
Flyingpiglet Posted November 3, 2011 Author Share Posted November 3, 2011 Well, what to say! I'm thinking that I don't want to put here everything that goes on in my head because I'm worried about coming accross as a negative person and people taking a dislike to me or getting fed up with me. People want to be around happy people right... But on the other hand, If I can't do it here where can I do it! I'm still feeling like I'm making myself unhappy, Its the strangest feeling and I can't understand it. The more I think about it the more I dislike myself for doing it and the unhappier I get! Hey, everybodies gotta be good at something! I want to try and explain/understand a little about the me before the reason I came here... But I don't know how really... Its not that it was anything dramatic, just I guess just that I'm not sure how happy I was then, but I had nowhere to vent and I wasn't down enough to look for an outlet, and now I'm here.... I don't know what I'm trying to say Anyway, enough of that...Nothing much happening. Financial advisor has taken my insurance docs away to study and see if he can get things any cheaper... I'm stuck with the current mortgage for a while. I haven't had an alcoholic drink all week, I finally got fed up of being a emotional drunk... Now I'm just an emotional sober person lol. But I do have a little more control! Will be having a drink on Saturday though at a friends house! What I do wonder is.... I've stopped smoking I've stopped drinking (as much) I eat at least 5 a day Drink more water Drink at least one cup of green tea a day And my skin at the minute is worse than its ever been.... Go figure! Link to comment
In the Dark Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 Eh....who cares about the nay sayers. I think the issue is knowing you have faults but refuse to resolve them. In your case you know you have faults which we all do, but state them as negative and frustrating. So post away, this is your Journal. Besides being down enough, it also has to do with finding places where people are listening and not berating you for being one way or another when it is obvious in your words that you are wanting to resolution to your pain and are open to views. As you may have seen here there are some people who join just to be trolls and make people feel bad at their own pleasure. Some people who are just not possible to help, because they are wanting to go down a specific path which is not attainable. Great to hear you are doing well with your diet. Detoxifying can have break outs like you mention initially. Annoying how the body does that. Purges and then you end up bringing the nasties to the surface first. Link to comment
Flyingpiglet Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 Well, I had ‘the dream’ last night. Vivid as ever and mostly made sense which is unusual for my dreams… He came to see me and it was so nice. He apologised. Not with words, but with his eyes and actions. He held my hand while we sat and the electricity between us was as good as ever. We made love and it was all it ever was. For reasons unknown, we went and laid outside, but he turned his back to me. He looked so sad, small and upset, I wanted to comfort him but instead, I asked him if he needed some space, he nodded yes! I went inside, ignoring the churning in my gut and convinced myself it would be okay… He came back to me, right? When he came back inside, he held me so tightly but tenderly, and then, again without words, told me that that was all there was… He was leaving and never coming back! I was distraught and just about to post on eNA about how stupid I had been when my alarm went off…… I’m glad it went bad in the dream. At least I didn’t wake with that false feeling of hope. More a resolute if depressing feeling that its never coming back. That feeling with him is never coming back! I thought I knew that already *sigh* Link to comment
In the Dark Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 As you know well, I know what it's like to have those types of dreams. With me the feelings of the dream fade after a while. Takes a shorter and shorter time for the dreams to fade as time goes on. I'm pretty sure the same will happen for you too. Link to comment
Flyingpiglet Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 Yeah, Its just such a strange feeling at the moment... I'm not feeling particularly sad, just kind of empty and aching inside. Its the first time I've ever felt this without it being tied up with other emotions... Yup, definitely strange for me, but as you say, I know it will pass and fade soon. Link to comment
In the Dark Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Yeah, Its just such a strange feeling at the moment... I'm not feeling particularly sad, just kind of empty and aching inside. Its the first time I've ever felt this without it being tied up with other emotions... Yup, definitely strange for me, but as you say, I know it will pass and fade soon. That's the best way you could put it as that was the way I would/will feel as well after such dreams. Link to comment
Flyingpiglet Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 Been for a 2 1/2 hour walk with the dog... Not all flat work either, feel like I've climbed a mountain! Now Andrew has been for Bruno as he's taking him out for the day tomorrow (Andrew's Bruno's Dad... He has access as and when he wants it.... And just to save any ambiguity, Bruno is the dog, lol) My friend has invited me to her house tonight, I said I'd go, I really don't want to! I'm not in the mood for real company, I'm not in the mood for plastering on my smile and being 'just fine'. I'm scared cos it will involve a drink of wine, I won't say no, I will drink, then I will keep drinking, and hope that it'll all be okay! If I said no to a drink I would have to start explaining why, I can't go in to that with them, not now! Maybe it will be okay as long as I keep the conversation away from my emotional trigger points. Maybe its just what I need! Better go get showered and ready then! Link to comment
Flyingpiglet Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 ^Who am I kidding??? Yeah I'm scared about the results of drinking... But it will be nice to have a glass or two!!!! Oh its a slippery slippery slope! Link to comment
Flyingpiglet Posted November 5, 2011 Author Share Posted November 5, 2011 Useless... Thats all Link to comment
In the Dark Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 As long as you are letting out and not bottling in, the slope will eventually on less of an angle. As long as you have someone who inventively listens or reads when you need to be heard. Link to comment
Flyingpiglet Posted November 5, 2011 Author Share Posted November 5, 2011 But we all know I like to hold onto negative feelings for some reason! I'm glad you're here ItD.... Thank-you Link to comment
Flyingpiglet Posted November 5, 2011 Author Share Posted November 5, 2011 I have done absolutely nothing all day... NOTHING! Since getting home this morning, I've moved off the settee to get a cuppa and that is it! And now I feel bad cos there's so much I should be doing, and now I'm out of time! It's going to be a long winter! Link to comment
Flyingpiglet Posted November 6, 2011 Author Share Posted November 6, 2011 I'm going to try and have a positive day today... To start, I'm going to have to realise that I shouldn't expect myself to be 'happy' all the time. Thinking I should be 'happy' all the time is what is making me so miserable I think (Thats my thought for the day) Anyway, like really, how many people are going about their daily business with big grins on their faces thinking Oooh I'm just sooooo Happy! There is a happy medium, thats were I'm going to try and land! Just in the middle. Maybe not happy, but not miserable either. Just normal!!! Wish me luck! Link to comment
anya1607307555 Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 Content good luck also, guilt is a wasted emotion, aim to try harder next time and let the rest go. Link to comment
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