Snooping is completely warranted.

[Hopeless Love]

From my experience (and being in a similar situation to you) you can't trust once that trust has been broken. You just can't. The ONLY time you can is if the person who broke your trust is truly remoresful and works at not breaking your trust again - which this guy does not seem like he is. I don't know about him though. I wouldn't be able to trust my fiance if I found him going threw my things, no.

 

ok so even tho i found this info, should I just break up with him.. , or should i keep it to myself until i ca find un snooping proof? if u can in this same section i have a thread that i posted that is about what i am currently going thru. its titled, i found out my bf is cheating with his babys mom. i would love your thoughts.

[90_hour_sleep]

So question... I think i can over time learn to trust.. but do u think on his part he wont trust me? even tho i didnt do anything like cheating , etc..

 

thinking trust -- in relationship terms -- is a bit of a continuum. it's not about you, and it's not about him. it's about your union together. either two individuals compliment each other, and work to build that union...or they work against each other, and repeatedly knock the foundations down. in the one case...there's growth. in the other case...you're always starting from scratch. you're trying to build on top of the rubble of previous breakdowns.

 

i think it's sad...very sad sometimes.

[rocio]

ok so even tho i found this info, should I just break up with him.. , or should i keep it to myself until i ca find un snooping proof? if u can in this same section i have a thread that i posted that is about what i am currently going thru. its titled, i found out my bf is cheating with his babys mom. i would love your thoughts.

 

The responses in that thread were pretty clear. It seems that regardless of how many people tell you you're being used horribly, you aren't going to listen.

 

Being a good girlfriend is not about cooking and cleaning for a man. It's about taking care of your mental health, standing up for yourself and being your own person.

[tresqua]

ok so even tho i found this info, should I just break up with him.. , or should i keep it to myself until i ca find un snooping proof? if u can in this same section i have a thread that i posted that is about what i am currently going thru. its titled, i found out my bf is cheating with his babys mom. i would love your thoughts.

 

You're asking a bunch of strangers if you should break up with a guy who is cheating on you?

 

Are you going to sort of do a poll? If the majority says break up then you will, or if most people say "oh just sit there and be a good wife while he goes and screws his old girlfriend and betrays your trust and exposes you to STDs" are you going to do that?

 

It's your choice to be treated like a doormat, you don't need anyone to make up your mind FOR you.

 

But if it was me I'd never stay with a person who cheated on me. I just don't see the point.

[Maverick44]

Just wanted to add back to the original point of this thread - IMO, snooping is fine.

 

I get what people are saying about trust, etc.. I'm done with that. There is ideal and there is reality. Ideally, I would rather we could have straight trust and not snoop, etc.. but in reality, there are far too many situations that now arise that make you question things and people. Once snooping has come to a conclusion that nothing is or has happened, I tend to feel better and will be fine without further snooping unless another situation comes up where it may make me wonder again.

 

Sorry, I don't really trust anymore and I guess that for the way people deal with these things - it will vary person to person.

 

Maverick

[hexaemeron]

Just wanted to add back to the original point of this thread - IMO, snooping is fine.

 

I get what people are saying about trust, etc.. I'm done with that. There is ideal and there is reality. Ideally, I would rather we could have straight trust and not snoop, etc.. but in reality, there are far too many situations that now arise that make you question things and people. Once snooping has come to a conclusion that nothing is or has happened, I tend to feel better and will be fine without further snooping unless another situation comes up where it may make me wonder again.

 

Sorry, I don't really trust anymore and I guess that for the way people deal with these things - it will vary person to person.

 

Maverick

 

Then I'd candidly suggest that you not get into any relationships and take out your issues on other people. Because, personally, I love being treated badly and blamed for things I never did when I'm in a relationship.

[Maverick44]

Then I'd candidly suggest that you not get into any relationships and take out your issues on other people. Because, personally, I love being treated badly and blamed for things I never did when I'm in a relationship.

 

You can snoop and not treat people badly. You can snoop and treat people badly.

 

Snooping can be accusatory and you are basically challenging your partner to prove you wrong (i.e. treating them badly and blaming). It also be as simple as putting a keylogger or a Private Investigator on that person's tail and viewing the results (without blame and not treating them badly but going on your gut). Compulsive snooping is most likely an issue that a person should deal with a therapist.

 

However, obviously no one likes to be snooped upon but to say that it doesn't happen in one form or another in relationships (i.e. checking phone, asking why the person didn't call or text you back) especially when your gut may have a feeling - well, personally, I think that the majority of relationships do have that.

 

I haven't put any studies out here but over time have read articles for both for / against -(for being calming anxiety, giving relief and confidence when the result is in the person's favor while against is the fact that there is a level of mistrust and the idea that it will be pervasive throughout the relationship and have an impact).

 

At the same time, there are stories over time that I have read where people have stayed married and happy after a person snooped and others where a person snooped - their partner found out - and that relationship ended.

 

I'm not saying there is a perfect answer. I believe it would vary person to person and relationship to relationship. I'm saying relationships don't operate ideally and that, in reality for me, I'd snoop if I was feeling uncomfortable - get that comfort - and move on.

 

Maverick

[Fudgie]

I think that's a little selfish. "When I feel insecure/uneasy, it's okay for me to violate my partner's privacy to make MYSELF feel better."

 

BTW, asking someone "why didn't you call me back" is not snooping. Talking and asking stuff to your partner is NOT snooping. They are under no obligation to answer if they don't want to. Snooping is an invasion of privacy.

 

I think it's much better to talk to your partner. And no, I didn't snoop in any of my relationships. Was I snooped on? Yes, but I did not snoop. Didn't feel the need to. Not *all* relationships have snooping. Some of us trust our partners and don't feel the need to violate their privacy to assuage our personal insecurities.

 

Now, did I sometimes worry? Of course. Who doesn't? But instead of snooping, I found that talking to my partner helps.

 

If your partner blows you off totally and disregards your feelings, then he/she sucks. The only exception to this is when you're being REALLY clingy and asking them 24/7 about stuff when in fact, nothing is going on.

[hexaemeron]

Oh, so a relationship isn't a pairing of equals, but that of a parent and child, then? Because if you think that putting a keylogger on someone's computer is perfectly acceptable and not treating someone badly, then again, I reiterate, don't get into a relationship for awhile. You cannot punish people for the past mistakes of others. That IS hurtful. That IS a violation. And really, if you're incapable of trust no matter what, then you have no business in a relationship.

[OptomisticGirl]

Without trust you don't have a relationship, simple as that. You have what you think is a relationship, but it's not.

[FarthestEdge]

You can snoop and not treat people badly. You can snoop and treat people badly.

 

Snooping can be accusatory and you are basically challenging your partner to prove you wrong (i.e. treating them badly and blaming). It also be as simple as putting a keylogger or a Private Investigator on that person's tail and viewing the results (without blame and not treating them badly but going on your gut). Compulsive snooping is most likely an issue that a person should deal with a therapist.

 

However, obviously no one likes to be snooped upon but to say that it doesn't happen in one form or another in relationships (i.e. checking phone, asking why the person didn't call or text you back) especially when your gut may have a feeling - well, personally, I think that the majority of relationships do have that.

 

 

Maverick

 

So, ah when you go over to a friends house and use their bathroom, do you rifle through their medicine cabinet, or sneak into their bedroom to look in their bedside table? I mean after all you are entitled to know who you are associating with, right?

 

Wow.

[Fudgie]

Maverick,

 

Tell me - are you fine if you found that your GF had put a keylogger on your computer MONTHS ago so she could assuage her own worries? Instead of just TALKING to you, she's been reading all of your FB, IMs, passwords, porn searches, everything?

[hexaemeron]

So, ah when you go over to a friends house and use thier bathroom, do you rifle through their medicine cabinet, or sneak into their bedroom to look in their bedside table? I mean after all you are entitled to know who you are associating with, right?

 

Wow.

 

It's like I've been saying. People get this attitude that their own security is more important than anything and everything else. Respect, boundaries, privacy. The cycle of betrayed trust and violation now rests on the person who was wronged before. I was wronged, so now I will wrong others so I will never be wronged again!

 

It's sad, really.

[tresqua]

However, obviously no one likes to be snooped upon but to say that it doesn't happen in one form or another in relationships (i.e. checking phone, asking why the person didn't call or text you back) especially when your gut may have a feeling - well, personally, I think that the majority of relationships do have that.

 

Interesting how you lump "checking their phone" and "asking them why they didn't call you back" together as "snooping".

 

I think that in addition to boundary issues and lack of respect for your relationship partner, you're confused about the difference between snooping and "not completely trusting" your mate.

 

Sure, most relationships don't go the distance, yes people lie, many cheat and betray, so to keep your guard up to some extent and asking questions when you've got concerns is completely justified, but there's a BIG difference between open communication and going behind their backs and checking up on them. That's where "boundaries" come in to play.

 

Seems to me you've completely rationalized doing whatever it takes to virtually prove their love and devotion to you even if they've done nothing to warrant your suspicions, even though it means a complete invasion of their privacy, and that leaves me wondering why do you even bother getting involved with someone in the first place? Doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun.

[Maverick44]

So, ah when you go over to a friends house and use their bathroom, do you rifle through their medicine cabinet, or sneak into their bedroom to look in their bedside table? I mean after all you are entitled to know who you are associating with, right?

 

Wow.

 

Read my post and you'll see that is not what I said. However, you can skim just the same as you have and keep your current post.

 

Maverick

[Maverick44]

Maverick,

 

Tell me - are you fine if you found that your GF had put a keylogger on your computer MONTHS ago so she could assuage her own worries? Instead of just TALKING to you, she's been reading all of your FB, IMs, passwords, porn searches, everything?

 

I'm saying people have done it and assuaged their fears and their relationship has been fine. I also did indicate that people do not like to be snooped on.

 

Ya best not get caught - especially if nothing is happening.

 

Maverick

[Maverick44]

It's like I've been saying. People get this attitude that their own security is more important than anything and everything else. Respect, boundaries, privacy. The cycle of betrayed trust and violation now rests on the person who was wronged before. I was wronged, so now I will wrong others so I will never be wronged again!

 

It's sad, really.

 

A person can live with those ideals as I indicated. I do hope that there is no reason for a person to have to have fears that would have them wanting to snoop.

 

Maverick

[Maverick44]

Those are examples that raise questions in many a person's mind - especially when pervasive.

 

Well, we all rationalize our points of view. I'm fine with mine and your questions about it. If your gut was right in 'snooping' on them, they crossed boundaries as well, correct?

 

Again, I did indicate that compulsive snooping is probably a cause for therapy. There is a gray area - however - a person can choose to live in the white (ideal), black (compulsive snooping), or gray (reasonable doubt causing snooping).

 

Reasonable doubt is usually driven by a combination of factors - not a sole factor. As the factors accumulate (distance, lack of sex, lack of communication, hostility, and a multitude we can all throw together), a person begins to doubt their relationship and can even feel, when they talk, that their partner is hiding or lying about things.

 

For me, that reasonable doubt would put me in the gray area where I would snoop.

 

Maverick

[im_the_undead]

HELL YES ! SNOOP AWAY

that's how i caught my recent ex bf, and the douche had an excuse for everything.. AND then he ignored me for a few days and then dumped me.

F it, good riddence.

 

what i've learned from this is that when we have a gut feeling something isn't right, it's because it usually isn't.

 

 

p.s. when you're married, there is no such thing as privacy. don't even fathom the idea. it's not going to happen.

[hexaemeron]

HELL YES ! SNOOP AWAY

that's how i caught my recent ex bf, and the douche had an excuse for everything.. AND then he ignored me for a few days and then dumped me.

F it, good riddence.

 

what i've learned from this is that when we have a gut feeling something isn't right, it's because it usually isn't.

 

 

p.s. when you're married, there is no such thing as privacy. don't even fathom the idea. it's not going to happen.

 

Boy, you sure make marriage sound great! Why do you think you're so important that someone's identity and privacy are worth less than your sense of security. Paranoid security is not healthy. Sometimes people take advantage of you and sometimes they won't. It's a roll of the dice. Acting like thought police does nothing but make you a miserably, unhappy people no one wants to be around.

[FarthestEdge]

p.s. when you're married, there is no such thing as privacy. don't even fathom the idea. it's not going to happen.

 

Really?

 

I've been married 17 years, and we manage to have privacy where we want/need it.

[Seraphim]

I give my husband privacy in our marriage and he gives me privacy too. Some people do believe in privacy even in marriage.

[Seraphim]

Really?

 

I've been married 17 years, and we manage to have privacy where we want/need it.

 

Me too, exact length of time. If I rifled my husband's stuff he would dump my purse out on the table and go through my stuff. I give him his space and he gives me mine. I have no desire to live in his pocket.

[FarthestEdge]

Read my post and you'll see that is not what I said. However, you can skim just the same as you have and keep your current post.

 

Maverick

 

It's exactly the same thing. You think you are entitled to install keyloggers and hire PI's to make YOU feel better. What gives you that right? People use computers now, as diaries, and sites like this like a therapists office. What makes you entitled to read the things that your partner chooses not to share?

 

Just because they are in a relationship to you, and have made promises expressed or implied, does not grant you the right to track them like they are on probation...that's not a relationship...

 

And people keep saying they're justified if they are right...what if you are not right? How do you justify that? Even if you are right, you've just violated their faith in you just as they've violated your faith in them...

[Seraphim]

Personally if I found someone had done this to me, we would be getting divorced.