Snooping is completely warranted.

[Kitkat973]

My partner and I have an open-door policy. I know his passwords and accounts, he knows mine. If I want to check anything, it's available. By no means do I think that it's something that would work for all couples, but it works for us.

 

If your relationship is to the point where you're going through your partner's things without their permission, I think that might be a sign that there really isn't much of a relationship left.

[BluePanda]

It always breaks my heart when I hear about people who have been cheated on for years and looking back they had a hunch something was wrong but chose to trust their partner. They almost always say they wish they'd known so they hadn't wasted their tiime on something that was ultimately a lie. The not knowing can destroy a person and yes even though invading someones privacy is a betrayal, so is cheating! And it's a far worse one! Sometimes doing something that would ordinarily be wrong can in a certain situation be right. It's just not as black or white as it's always right or it's always wrong.

 

I completely agree. It also breaks my heart. If i had to weigh snooping vs cheating on a moral scale, snooping would be low and cheating would be inconceivable. The snooping partner wants to know if they are being taken advantage of, lied to and the like. The cheating partner is betraying someone's love, and possibly their trust.

 

 

Exactly.

 

OP- aside from the fact that you are using your own paranoia (or as you call it, intuition) as the reason to justify violating your partners privacy, I have to ask.

 

What if you don't find anything? What if you get the password and there are no e-mails/texts? What next?

 

You have already convinced yourself there's something to find...so when you find nothing, your paranoia will increase and you will continue to dig deeper and deeper, until you are obsessed and see things that simply aren't there...

 

Are you going to install a keylogger? a nannycam? Spend hours online trying to figure out the cell numbers on the bill, or search for hidden dating profiles? Are you going to inspect undergarments and count condoms? Hire an investigator to tail? At what point, will you be ready to give up proving to yourself that your partner has figured out what you already *know*...that you don't deserve them?

 

Because that's most likely what this is about. Insecurity. Your intuition is nothing more than fear rationalized as instict.

 

I can tell you from personal experience that if you choose to go down this rabbit hole, the insanity and grief you will experience will be entirely your own doing.

 

Don't go there. Talk to your partner, and examine yourself...is it really your partner you mistrust, or your own judgement?

 

And if you mistrust your partner that much, your energies would be much better directed towards rebuilding your life without them. Snooping won't make someone faithful, but it will destroy your integrity and the trust within your relationship.

 

 

 

Firstly, I never said that I would be violating anyone's privacy, nor have I done so (yet). There is a fine line between paranoia and intuition - I feel like the topic has devolved into a discussion about paranoia. Perhaps some people are projecting here, due to their own past experiences and of course that's completely understandable.

 

I don't feel insecure, this is more about the right to have control of who is and is not a part of your life for your own well being. How can you make an informed decision when you suspect your partner of infidelity? I for one am not comfortable with simply letting it go, as I wouldn't want someone like that in my life. Ignorance is not bliss, it just is; if you let it go unchecked and it turns out true you realize all of that time is gone and could've been spent with someone might not have done this to you.

 

Is it at that point that you "emotionally grow" and tell yourself you won't let this happen again? Or better, the next time it does you are more equipped to handle being deceived?

 

I agree these situations help your emotional growth, though this doesn't warrant letting them happen to you. The years of your life are not negligible. I see this all the time in married couples. The partner who was cheated on rationalizes the years of their partner's infidelity as "useful" to avoid handling the fact that they let this happen to them - they suspected all along but did nothing.

 

The exception being someone who is completely blind sided by cheating partner, though I think this is unlikely after months or years of being together.

 

Not convinced of anything at this point. There are reasons to suspect in my opinion. I would probably snoop until there were results or until, after some time, I had reason to believe nothing was actually going on (which isn't such a hard concept to grasp).

 

Another option I like is simply ending the relationship. Good advice. If someone doesn't appear trustworthy they probably aren't, and this would affect your relationship.

[FarthestEdge]

Some more food for thought:

 

 

 

You cannot control another person, and I don't understand how you can say snooping is NOT violating someone else's privacy. And I agree that you have a right to choose who you let into your life. Likewise, your partner has a right to CHOOSE if they are going to BE in a relationship with someone who assumes they are a lying scumbag cheater, until proven otherwise....and that's what snooping says. That's what "checking up" on someone says: "I don't trust you. I believe you will eventually cheat if you haven't already. So I am going to watch you like a hawk until you slip up"

 

I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who feels the need to check up on me. And when DH told me he was tired of being treated like a dirtbag and being watched as if he were a child, I finally listened.

 

The only 'evidence' you have supported here is your 'gut feeling'. That doesn't cut it. If you think your partner is cheating you ASK them. If they deny it and you still don't believe them, the relationship is pretty much done regardless of the truth. Either your partner is a cheater and a liar, or you just have no faith in their character...either way...dunzo.

 

You want to torture yourself looking for proof that isn't there, knock yourself out. You want to take the hard road to 'discover the truth' rather than simply ASK and make a decision whether or not you believe...go ahead. But you are only bringing pain upon yourself.

 

I have been with DH for 23 years. We have built a wonderful life together and brought 2 amazing children into the world. It's been a fabulous journey. If he ever cheats on me, I will deal with it then. And while I would be angry, hurt and betrayed, I will not feel as though my life has been wasted. It's NOT been a waste, no matter how it ends. But as I said before, I'll cross that bridge if I come to it. In the meantime, I'm not going to miss out on what we do have or ruin an amazing journey, spending all my time looking for an ugly damned bridge that most likely will never appear.

 

I'm trying to save you heartache, because I put myself through it once, but you seem determined to ruin what you have. I wish you well.

[BluePanda]

Thank you for your input.

 

Snooping is definitely an invasion of privacy. I meant to say that I hadn't done it as of yet, though I plan to. In terms of which is by a far margin lesser of the two evils, snooping takes the cake. Your argument is basically be the better person, which I can understand. A very mature point of view. Though I can't bring myself to let something like this go and pay for it immeasurably, possibly much later in life.

 

The problem with simply leaving if you only suspect or distrust your partner is the regret you have to endure later. Constantly you will wonder if you broke up with that person unnecessarily and ultimately threw away something good. In this case finding proof is the better route. If you find evidence the anger and revulsion would definitely help you get over that person.

 

Pain makes everything sharper in my experience. If X person is cheating that pain is coming, I just choose to figure out now rather than (possibly much) later.

[DN]

I think there is a distinction between snooping on someone who has done nothing to warrant suspicion and someone who has. The difficulty is in deciding what constitutes reasonable suspicion and too often people rely on 'gut instinct' based on almost nothing.

 

What is perhaps a good analogy is the police requiring a warrant to tap phones. They have to present a judge with reasonable and credible evidence before the judge is supposed to grant the warrant and that means more than a cop saying "I have a gut instinct". Now it may be that they get the warrant too easily sometimes but that is because the judge isn't doing his or her job properly. A partner in this situation also needs to do their job properly and that means not allowing doubts based on their life experiences rather than the real behaviour of their partner.

 

If you have any doubts about snooping - don't. If you have no doubts then think it through again and again before snooping.

 

Saying it is the 'lesser of two evils' is not good enough to violate privacy and if you get caught your (innocent) partner would have every justification in dumping you on the spot and never going anywhere near you again. You would be lucky if he didn't take legal action against you because snooping in someone's e-mail or mail is a felony.

[Tresha]

If my partner started snooping on me, I would feel betrayed. I have nothing to hide, and he could easily go through my phone, email, etc. If he did, though, something in the relationship would die ... and it would not be due to *my* actions, and it would not be due to lack of love. It would be because the relationship I thought I had with the man I love was obviously an illusion.

 

My husband is a recovering alcoholic. I know all about hiding and lies, symptoms of withdrawal and neglect. I know all about suspicions that turn out to be true. You will find out without snooping if anything is there. If you can't believe him and can't wait for evidence to present itself, you may not be able to sustain a relationship with this man and should tell him.

[BluePanda]

I think there is a distinction between snooping on someone who has done nothing to warrant suspicion and someone who has. The difficulty is in deciding what constitutes reasonable suspicion and too often people rely on 'gut instinct' based on almost nothing.

 

Saying it is the 'lesser of two evils' is not good enough to violate privacy and if you get caught your (innocent) partner would have every justification in dumping you on the spot and never going anywhere near you again. You would be lucky if he didn't take legal action against you because snooping in someone's e-mail or mail is a felony.

 

I would probably understand if my partner left me due to snooping. Though I don't think any reasonable person in a serious relationship would leave simply because their partner is checking up on them, unless it became constant. In that case, I would honestly accept that break up. Don't believe I lack reasons to be suspicious, and said reasons for suspicion are not always concrete or tangible. Discussion of legal action is... a bit ridiculous.

[OptomisticGirl]

I would probably understand if my partner left me due to snooping. Though I don't think any reasonable person in a serious relationship would leave simply because their partner is checking up on them, unless it became constant. In that case, I would honestly accept that break up. Don't believe I lack reasons to be suspicious, and said reasons for suspicion are not always concrete or tangible. Discussion of legal action is... a bit ridiculous.

 

It's actually not. You can be jailed for it.

[BluePanda]

Doesn't make it any less ridiculous. You don't have to break the law to snoop either.

[NotSoDead]

Well if any future relationship you have and you catch your partner snooping on you, you know you can't get upset. Otherwise you would be a hypocrite.

[OptomisticGirl]

Doesn't make it any less ridiculous. You don't have to break the law to snoop either.

 

I personally would dump the insecure partner who snooped on me. Without trust there is no relationship so I wouldn't even try to venture in to a relationship if I were you because you aren't giving your all to your partner. From the get go you are mistrusting them, no matter how you try to spin in that it's okay, it's not. And I doubt any partner you may have would disagree with me - unless, of course, they are insecure as well.

[DN]

Discussion of legal action is... a bit ridiculous.

Good luck with that thought. Also good luck with the idea that someone won't break up with you. My view is that they might well do so - not just for the breach of privacy but for the lack of trust. If you think someone isn't going to be insulted by you thinking that have such a low character as to cheat on you then you don't understand people very well.

 

I also agree with OG that you are really not in a healthy enough frame of mind to be in a relationship - a potential partner deserves more than you are able to give.

[Tresha]

It is illegal and people have been prosecuted ... successfully. It is no different than going through your neighbor's mail. Just because you love someone and they love you enough to build a life together does not mean you are the same person. Your partner has legal rights that you do not get to usurp. He also has basic human rights: the right to privacy, to maintain his dignity (not be treated like a child), and the right not to be humiliated and betrayed by his spouse. Even if he has wronged you he has these rights. Perhaps he has wronged you, you feel so sure, so why not just end it?

 

Lots of people break up with spouses/partners who become too invasive (snooping, clingy, smothering, its all the same thing, insecurity and mistrust). It is a valid reason whether it is one you personally understand or not.

[hexaemeron]

I like how you justify committing a fatal breach of trust against someone with the goal of somehow preventing the possibility of that someone breaching your trust? That's like punching someone in the face and then saying "Well, you might have punched me at any moment."

 

... insecurity.

[DN]

I like how you justify committing a fatal breach of trust against someone with the goal of somehow preventing the possibility of that someone breaching your trust? That's like punching someone in the face and then saying "Well, you might have punched me at any moment."

 

... insecurity.

And you can't prevent it anyway. Nor can you be satisfied that he hasn't or won't because no one can prove a negative. Even if you can't find evidence there is still the belief that he could or would - "just because you are paranoid, it doesn't mean they aren't coming to get you" type thinking

[Saffron_]

Doesn't make it any less ridiculous. You don't have to break the law to snoop either.

 

Gotta agree with this. I'm not sure what kind of snooping other people are talking about but I'm thinking checking mobile phones, call history y'know, stuff like that. In fact most of the things people do to uncover an affair are legal come to think of it so yeah I agree with BluePanda that all this legal action talk is a bit ridiculous. I've never felt like I had to do that but I do know people who have and in every case, the person doing the snooping did so to find proof because their partners were denying the affair and it was wrecking their lives. It's true that a person could just leave if they suspected something going on but an affair affects more than just the two people having it. Some people will deny affairs until they're blue in the face but with solid proof issues can be confronted, the hurt party can get answers no matter how hard they are to hear and things can either be worked on or ended.

 

BUT I do think snooping should only done when a person is almost positive they're being cheated on and just wants some solid concrete evidence. I wouldn't look down on anyone for doing that. If you don't have a damn good reason to check up on someone then don't do it! I don't think you can use the excuse that because someone hurt you before, all subsequent partners should lose their right to privacy.

[OptomisticGirl]

Going through someone's mobile without their consent is a violation of their privacy.

[Saffron_]

Sorry, snooping is still never right.

 

I think you see everything as either black or white OG. And we've already established that going through someones mobile without their consent is a violation of their privacy. But sometimes there are good reasons and I think it's naive not to realise that.

[DN]

But the OP said it's OK to snoop with just a 'gut feeling' and that is very far from credible evidence. People like to claim that their gut feelings are never wrong but they discount all the times they are wrong. The more paranoid people are the more likely they are to have a gut feeling.

[OptomisticGirl]

I think you see everything as either black or white OG. And we've already established that going through someones mobile without their consent is a violation of their privacy. But sometimes there are good reasons and I think it's naive not to realise that.

 

Even if it's a good reason you shouldn't do it. I suspected my ex of cheating on me. Went through his phi d. Yep, he was. But I still snooper and it was WRONG. If you even have to ask yourself 'is this person cheating on me?' then you jus need to leave the relstionship because you clearly don't trust them if yu have to ask yourself.

[Saffron_]

But the OP said it's OK to snoop with just a 'gut feeling' and that is very far from credible evidence. People like to claim that their gut feelings are never wrong but they discount all the times they are wrong. The more paranoid people are the more likely they are to have a gut feeling.

 

Well I agree that snooping based on just a 'gut feeling' is wrong. I don't think it's ok just to snoop on the off chance you might find something or if you're a paranoid person in general.

[Saffron_]

Even if it's a good reason you shouldn't do it. I suspected my ex of cheating on me. Went through his phi d. Yep, he was. But I still snooper and it was WRONG. If you even have to ask yourself 'is this person cheating on me?' then you jus need to leave the relstionship because you clearly don't trust them if yu have to ask yourself.

 

Most people that have a lot tied up in a relationship such as owning a home together, being married or having children prefer to have solid evidence before they 'just leave the relationship'. Just leaving these things isn't easy and I'm not sure you comprehend that.

[OptomisticGirl]

Most people that have a lot tied up in a relationship such as owning a home together, being married or having children prefer to have solid evidence before they 'just leave the relationship'. Just leaving these things isn't easy and I'm not sure you comprehend that.

 

I very well comprehend it. I have been cheated on and was living with him when it happened, had bills tied to my name and everything. It's never easy to walk away but again, if your having to ask yourself that question, your relationship is pretty much in the tubes. Wthout trust, there IS no relationship. No amount of wondering is ever okay to snoop, doesn't matter if you have been together five years or 30 years.

[rocio]

Even if it's a good reason you shouldn't do it. I suspected my ex of cheating on me. Went through his phi d. Yep, he was. But I still snooper and it was WRONG. If you even have to ask yourself 'is this person cheating on me?' then you jus need to leave the relstionship because you clearly don't trust them if yu have to ask yourself.

 

Depends on the relationship. If you've only been dating a few months, then absolutely, yes. If it's a serious relationship and you have commitments toward each other - ie: a house, a social circle, children, a marriage... then it's not so black and white. You need to have good, sound reasons for ending a serious relationship where other people are going to be affected, where your finances are going to be affected, etc. You can't just end it on a gut feeling, but you also can't be naive enough to ignore gut feelings (assuming that you're generally a rational person and you trust your instincts), putting your health and reputation at risk.

[OptomisticGirl]

Depends on the relationship. If you've only been dating a few months, then absolutely, yes. If it's a serious relationship and you have commitments toward each other - ie: a house, a social circle, children, a marriage... then it's not so black and white. You need to have good, sound reasons for ending a serious relationship where other people are going to be affected, where your finances are going to be affected, etc. You can't just end it on a gut feeling, but you also can't be naive enough to ignore gut feelings (assuming that you're generally a rational person and you trust your instincts), putting your health and reputation at risk.

 

I agree but there are other ways to go about finding the truth then stooping to snoop. Snooping is no better than the actions of the cheater - and this is coming from someone who use to snoop.