Snooping is completely warranted.

[rocio]

Snooping is no better than the actions of the cheater

 

Again, this is a pretty extreme and bizarre statement.

 

There aren't always easy ways to find out whether your spouse is having an affair. Generally, they do go out of their way to hide such things.

[OptomisticGirl]

Again, this is a pretty extreme and bizarre statement.

 

There aren't always easy ways to find out whether your spouse is having an affair. Generally, they do go out of their way to hide such things.

 

Again, it's a balance of your gut and actions. I knew both times I was cheated on something was up. Did I snoop the first time? No and at least I had my integrity when I didn't unlike the last few times when I did. It's not black and white, no, there are shades of grey but like with cheating, sometimes no matter how good your justification is, it's still just wrong.

[Saffron_]

Again, this is a pretty extreme and bizarre statement.

 

There aren't always easy ways to find out whether your spouse is having an affair. Generally, they do go out of their way to hide such things.

 

So true. In fact most affairs are discovered when a) The spouse finds evidence accidentally b) Someone tells the spouse of the affair or c) The spouse snoops to find evidence. Sometimes affairs are admitted to but more often than not they're denied.

 

OG that was a bizarre statement! I don't think a person cheating on their spouse can be put in the same league as someone snooping to uncover evidence of infidelity.

[OptomisticGirl]

So true. In fact most affairs are discovered when a) The spouse finds evidence accidentally b) Someone tells the spouse of the affair or c) The spouse snoops to find evidence. Sometimes affairs are admitted to but more often than not they're denied.

 

OG that was a bizarre statement! I don't think a person cheating on their spouse can be put in the same league as someone snooping to uncover evidence of infidelity.

 

Its different opinions then. I am an ex snooper and I see it as the same level on the concept of it's a betrayal of trust. That trust may already be broken by the cheater but what if they didn't cheat? As I said, it's not all black and white and there is no perfect scenario, but snooping is wrong same as cheating is.

[rocio]

If I had given my partner good reason to believe I was cheating, I wouldn't feel betrayed if he checked into it, for example checking my phone. If anything, I would feel awful for having put him in that situation.

[OptomisticGirl]

If I had given my partner good reason to believe I was cheating, I wouldn't feel betrayed if he checked into it, for example checking my phone. If anything, I would feel awful for having put him in that situation.

 

That's giving your partner good reason - not doing it just because they may be cheating. He comes home with lip stick in his collar, you pretty much have your answer.

[Saffron_]

I very well comprehend it. I have been cheated on and was living with him when it happened, had bills tied to my name and everything. It's never easy to walk away but again, if your having to ask yourself that question, your relationship is pretty much in the tubes. Wthout trust, there IS no relationship. No amount of wondering is ever okay to snoop, doesn't matter if you have been together five years or 30 years.

 

With respect, having bills tied to your name isn't as big a tie as let's say, owning a home together. Leaving a relationship when you own property together could leave you in a terrible financial mess if not homeless. You might end up priced out of the area you currenty live in and need to move far away. Maybe you wont be able to sell. Maybe you wont be able to afford a place of your own and so you'll have to rent or share a place with a flatmate. Or if you're married to the cheater and decide to divorce, once again that's gonna be very costly, it might involve dividing mutual friends as well as joint assets, you might get screwed over in the divorce and see your spouse walk away with much more than they put in. And if you have children, well you risk causing them significant emotional trauma by breaking up the family home, having to only see them half the week, maybe moving away so they don't have as much access to one parent as they'd like.

 

All in all there's usually too much at stake to 'just walk away' from a relationship and most sensible people are reluctant to do so unless they're pretty damn sure that their spouse is ******* someone else behind their back. Suspecting that they might be often isn't reason enough. So unsurprisingly they want to know without a shaddow of a doubt that what they suspect is happening, is actually happening.

[OptomisticGirl]

I didn't own our home but I had to leave everything to move an hour away and everything fell back on me financially from our apartment. So yes, I do understand it's not easy to 'just walk away'. We will have to agree to disagree on whether snooping is ever justified.

[Brownstone322]

If I had given my partner good reason to believe I was cheating, I wouldn't feel betrayed if he checked into it, for example checking my phone. If anything, I would feel awful for having put him in that situation.

Be careful where you're taking this. Just because you don't mind having your personal belongings searched without your consent doesn't mean we all shouldn't. All of us, as adults, are free to waive our rights any time we want. But don't think for a second that your choices have anything to do with anyone else's.

 

There's always this contingent that thinks, "If you have nothing to hide, then what's the problem?" The private affairs of others are none of your damn business (and you know it); that's the problem.

 

In other words, just because you don't value your privacy doesn't cause me to value mine any less.

[rocio]

Be careful where you're taking this. Just because you don't mind having your personal belongings searched without your consent doesn't mean we all shouldn't. All of us, as adults, are free to waive our rights any time we want. But don't think for a second that your choices have anything to do with anyone else's.

 

There's always this contingent that thinks, "If you have nothing to hide, then what's the problem?" The private affairs of others are none of your damn business (and you know it); that's the problem.

 

In other words, just because you don't value your privacy doesn't cause me to value mine any less.

 

It's not that I don't mind having someone go through my personal belongings. It's just one of those things in the real world where you have ugly realities. It's like fighting a war to get rid of Hitler. Is war pretty? No. Is war cool? No. Is it sometimes necessary? Well, what's the alternative. You can live in a bubble where you all hold hands and sing songs about doing what's right. Then there's the world that grown ups have to live in.

 

Everyone has the right and the responsibility to protect themselves. If you have reason to suspect that your partner is cheating on you, then yes you can end the relationship on the spot. And that's likely the wise course of action if the relationship isn't too serious. If you're married, have children, etc. then that wouldn't be prudent. It also wouldn't be prudent to bury your head in the sand and continue to expose yourself to harm.

[DN]

If the thread was entitled 'Snooping is sometimes warranted' there may be more agreement.

[Fudgie]

I think snooping is *sometimes* warranted if you feel that your partner is putting yourself or your kids or someone else at risk for pretty serious harm and/or you have already confronted him with your suspicions and you have very good reasons to think that he is lying and you need to protect yourself.

 

I think confronting your partner first is the thing to do (unless you feel he may attack you for whatever reasons, if the situation is abusive). It's also good to check in with friends and other people about your suspicions BEFORE you start snooping and after you talk to him. I say this because some people are more prone to anxiety and blowing things out of proportions so it's good to have a sounding board.

[rocio]

I think snooping is *sometimes* warranted if you feel that your partner is putting yourself or your kids or someone else at risk for pretty serious harm and/or you have already confronted him with your suspicions and you have very good reasons to think that he is lying and you need to protect yourself.

 

I think confronting your partner first is the thing to do (unless you feel he may attack you for whatever reasons, if the situation is abusive). It's also good to check in with friends and other people about your suspicions BEFORE you start snooping and after you talk to him. I say this because some people are more prone to anxiety and blowing things out of proportions so it's good to have a sounding board.

 

Really? I would much rather have my partner check my cell phone than go tell friends and family that he thinks I'm cheating. I'm one of those people who thinks that the details of a serious relationship should stay within that relationship. (ENA is my sounding board!)

[OptomisticGirl]

It's really sbout how people view privacy. L and I have each others passwords to everything and most people don't want their SO to have that kind of access.

[Fudgie]

Really? I would much rather have my partner check my cell phone than go tell friends and family that he thinks I'm cheating. I'm one of those people who thinks that the details of a serious relationship should stay within that relationship. (ENA is my sounding board!)

 

Honestly, I think if my SO is the paranoid sort who can let his insecurities overrun him, I'd much rather he have a talk with his close friends as a sounding board before he goes rifling through my stuff. If they are close with him, they will know how to calm him down and talk him out of violating my privacy for no good reason other than to temporarily quell his insecurities.

[rocio]

It's really sbout how people view privacy. L and I have each others passwords to everything and most people don't want their SO to have that kind of access.

 

Ok, but the context is cheating or hiding information. I'm assuming that if your partner were cheating on you, he would probably go out of his way to hide it in some way - whether that was by opening up a new e-mail account or whatever. So then if you happened to see this new e-mail account and had reason to suspect cheating, would you go ahead and read the e-mails? That's basically the question here.

 

Whether or not you have each other's passwords is irrelevant.

[OptomisticGirl]

No I wouldn't look.

 

I only bought it up as that's why people have differing opinions on if snooping is ever okay. Some are tight on their privwcy, others aren't.

[Fudgie]

I think "snooping" means that you're going through your partner's stuff that you're not supposed to. Like you hacked his email or something. Or you somehow obtained his password without him knowing.

 

If he gave you his email passwords willingly and told you he didn't care if he looked at his stuff, I don't think that's snooping.

[Madamdiva007]

I'm naturally a very insecure person, and I've been very badly hurt by a cheater in the past, but I still don't condone cheating. I've had some major insecurities in my current relationship, but I'm in therapy and I know these are MY issues, not his. There have been a few girls that he's had conversations with via text or FB. At the time of those conversations, I started to get really worried and curious, always wondering what they were talking about. I kept telling myself though that I really have no reason not to trust him, and that he has the right to talk to whoever he wants, and I don't need to know every little detail about it. Well, come to find out these exchanges were perfectly harmless and I had nothing to worry about. Boy am I glad I didn't snoop! I can tell you right then and there, that would have been the end of the relationship for him.

 

I will also add that my bf has never gone through any of my things, like my phone, email, or FB. He's never asked for any of my passwords nor I him. We are both very private people, him more so than I but I respect that. As insecure as I am and even though I have absolutely nothing to hide, I would never appreciate it if I found him snooping on me, and would be pretty upset with him. I would feel like he totally destroyed my trust, and I would always worry that he would continue to go through my things behind my back.

 

My therapist has told me that if the relationship comes to snooping, it's over. And I agree with that. I'm a firm believer that most things, most of the time, present themselves ( I do know this isn't always the case). I feel that if my bf cheats on me or is cheating on me, I will eventually find out. If that were to ever happen, I know I will be able to walk away from the relationship with my head held high and all my dignity and pride, knowing that I never lied to him or did anything behind his back.

[mikem]

Snooping is warranted in my opinion if you have that sickening feeling in your stomach and there is already some evidence something is going on. It can save you a lot of wasted time in a relationship that needs to end 'sooner then later'. The reason it is valid, in my opinion, is the person you are dealing with isn't trustworthy and is a liar. It is helpful to find some corrobarating evidence so you can get that closure.

[hexaemeron]

Snooping is warranted in my opinion if you have that sickening feeling in your stomach and there is already some evidence something is going on. It can save you a lot of wasted time in a relationship that needs to end 'sooner then later'. The reason it is valid, in my opinion, is the person you are dealing with isn't trustworthy and is a liar. It is helpful to find some corrobarating evidence so you can get that closure.

 

So what happens if/when you find nothing?

[Brownstone322]

So what happens if/when you find nothing?

Snoopers don't worry about that, because, according to their "gut feeling" (never mind what a joke that is), they're certain to find something. And they're right, too. Because when your mind is made up, you'll always find "evidence" of what you're looking for. It's called self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

I'm with you. It's really hard to get toothpaste back into the tube.

[FarthestEdge]

So what happens if/when you find nothing?

 

You keep digging deeper and deeper. You lay in bed trying to figure out how they could be so smart, as to not leave ANY evidence at ALL. When you see a hair on the shower wall, you examine it, pulling hair out of your own head trying to determine if it's the same length and colour..

 

You maybe spend hours and hours scouring dating websites looking for their hidden profile...You google every nickname you've ever known them to have...it must be here somewhere!

 

You listen to your partner more carefully, only to look for holes in the story..you question them. Then you ask the same question 3 days later, to see if the answer changes.

 

You spiral down into a dark pit of grief wondering why you can't catch them, and why they would be so cruel. See, it doesn't matter if there's no proof. You *believe* it so its true, regardless of the facts. And you grieve the relationship you *seem* to have, knowing that it is only an illusion, waiting to evaporate into the mist....

 

THAT'S what happens when you find nothing...Sound like fun?

[hexaemeron]

Almost makes you wonder if people really want to be happy, or if they're just addicted to the idea that drama makes a relationship feel "real".

[Brownstone322]

Dude ... I mentioned before that you seemed to be good at this ... but, jeez ... you're the snoopmeister!